TMW Chapter 28
Mercedes POV
I'm not going to say I was stupid for going out with Sam, but I was STUPID. For like a week, I just moped around feeling like the biggest idiot. I let Kurt, Puck, and myself down. That night after he kissed me I felt the worse. I felt so stupid for giving Sam a second chance, for believing him. I had given him the benefit of the doubt and defended myself to Kurt and in the end, he'd made me eat more crow than I could stomach. I just couldn't get passed the fact that he'd manipulated me or lied to me or something. I don't want to believe Sam is capable of jerking me around purposefully. I mean, yeah, he's jerked me around pretty hard in the past, but not on purpose. At least I never thought so, but after the kiss – the kiss I was so sure I had made it obviously clear that I wasn't receptive to, or anything intimate between us – I don't know. I don't want to believe it, but all arrows point to me getting screwed over by my own judgment and played for a fool by a person I so desperately wanted to call a friend. It all seemed so surreal, like it shouldn't have been happening. I had made myself clear. I thought I did. Didn't I?
I replayed the afternoon over and over in my head and kicked myself for not recognizing (more like ignoring) all the little signs that were screaming at me that the whole idea of going on anything with Sam was a crackish notion and colossal mistake. One I could have avoided had I turned him around at the door after he gawked at me, or, before then when he texted me that he was outside. "Oh, sorry. I'm not going. Keep on driving." That's what I should have done. Do not get me wrong, I'm not trying to paint myself as a victim or saint by any means, but Sam slipped one on me that I wasn't looking for because he was my friend (or something close to it) and respected me enough to honor my wishes. He'd said he 'got it.' That wasn't just something I heard out of nowhere. Those words came from his mouth.
I continued to blame myself for it all going wrong. I had to have led him on somehow, but after a few sessions with Kurt, I started to realize that there was nothing I could have done outside of flat out turning Sam down that would have changed anything, which now I know I should have done. He also helped me to see that I hadn't lost all the progress I've made just because I gave Sam a second chance and things went wrong.
I know he had to be sick and tired of me whining and beating up on myself for being so gullible and foolish. I would have been too if the tables were turned, but just like Kurt, I would have stuck it out because I love him. The time with him really opened my eyes. There were some residual feelings from the tater-tot ordeal that I hadn't gotten over, but after listening to him and his "I told you so's" all of that stuff kind of just didn't matter because despite his harshness sometimes, Kurt is my person and I'm his, and he only wants the best for me. And Kurt is right; I shouldn't have given Sam the time of day. But it's so hard to listen to someone who seems to have it all: a beautiful boyfriend who adores him and self confidence in spite of being one of less than a handful of open gays in Lima. It's even harder to listen to a know it all, but I've learned better. It's much easier to listen to a know it all that always has your best interest at heart and loves you more than any lover can than following my own skewed logic and ending up burned.
The only other good thing that came from this mess with Sam is that I now have the confidence that I'm completely over Sam. I'll always love him, in a way, but I am no longer in love with him. So, the date was basically a blessing in disguise. When he kissed me it wasn't butterflies and fluffy puppies, it was more like hell fire and brimstone (maybe not that bad, but you get the picture). There was nothing about that kiss that I wanted, maybe in a different time, maybe if I were the same me that feared being alone. Maybe then. But not now. Now, it was unwelcomed and infuriating that he thought he could just get back with me so easily. That may have been me in the past but not anymore. You live and you learn, and I will not be that person again.
Suffice it to say, now that I've given myself time and accepted that Sam kissed me not the other way around, I am good, like legit good. I'm done with Sam. Yeah, there are still questions; like, why did he kiss me, or did he really love me. But, I don't see those questions ever getting answered, and somehow, I'm fine with that. Sam is still the same person he was when we first hooked up. I am not. And that is all I have to say about Sam.
Puck, on the other hand, I have quite a bit to say about. First, I really miss him. Since my anti-versary, I haven't heard from him. Best believe I tried to call him back after he hung up on me (I don't play that), but he wouldn't answer, anything. My calls, texts, emails. Nothing. I wasn't worried though because I figured he would react this way or worse at least he wasn't in my face. It was cool, he'd come around once his temper settled. That's what I thought, but after a week, I still hadn't heard from him and that wasn't cool.
Second, he didn't have to shut me out and stop talking to me altogether. We're friends. Friends don't do that (well they shouldn't, I get a pass because I'm a girl). What was worse, Kurt hadn't heard from him either, and when he called, Puck was short with him and hung up on him when he started to talk about me.
Obviously, he was mad, but he didn't have to be this mad. That's why I went to see him myself. He couldn't ignore me if I was in front of him. Nope, he'd probably yell or something. As I said before, that's what I thought, but I was so wrong.