Chapter Five.
I'm dying Q,"
Her words echoed in my ears sending the blood rushing through them. Everything in my body forced me to stop in my tracks. My heart hurt as I turned to face her. Her eyes were full of fear and determination. Her bottom lip trembled as I watched her from a far enough distance.
"Wha—what?" I shake my head, begging internally for it to not be true, but she kept a straight face. This wasn't some twisted sick joke that she's spurring out to just get me to stop walking away from her, so we can talk.
"You—you can't be," my voice cracks, but she looks down at the pavement and doesn't say a thing. She looks defeated as her eyes close so there is no way for her to even make eye contact with me. She feels like she's hurting me so much so that she can't look me in the eyes.
"Please just say something," it comes out as a sob and it shakes her from her position. She looks back up and I see the tears slowly making their way down her cheeks. I've never seen her cry before and to watch her now look so vulnerable kills me inside. She didn't have the heart to tell me because—why?
"I thought—I thought I was protecting you," she breaths out and I shake my head, having what felt like anger coarse through me. How long has she known about her condition? How long did she know that there was a chance she wouldn't walk this earth anymore? What made her think she could protect me from this?
"From what?"
"From being upset when I left you," I scoff at her answer, rolling my eyes as I rub the tears from my cheeks. That is the most ridiculous response I have ever heard because regardless of how our friendship turned out, whether it just stayed as merely a friendship or a relationship, she still had a certain place in my heart, so where is the logic that I wouldn't be upset?
"I can't deal with this right now," I breath out as I begin to walk away from her.
"Quinn—Quinn wait," she calls to me, but I keep going letting my eyes tighten closed as she continues to call to me. I can hear her walking behind me, but I don't stop. Her voice is getting more broken by the second. "Quinn stop!" she sobs. "Don't walk away! I love you. Please don't walk away!"
I gulp and those three words stop me. I turn around and she's officially breaking down. She's bent over as a wrecking sob courses through her entire body, causing her form to shake. I realize what me walking away from her was doing to her now. What me walking away a year ago may have done to her. Did she run away from this city in order to be away from me? How I'm handling this situation is irrational. This isn't just me and it's Santana suffering. I begged for answers and she's giving them to me, yet I'm the one walking away to save myself. I forced her to tell me the truth. What hell are you doing Quinn?
I walk back to her and stand in front of her as she tries to calm her crying down. "Don't tell me that just because you want me to talk. Don't you do that Santana," I beg to her. I don't need her to play with my feelings like that and she just shakes her head, shutting her eyes to stop the tears from coming.
"I'm not," she looks up as she continues to shake her head. Her voice is strained from the crying and the fact that she told me the three words I desperately wanted to hear finally makes my tears begin to fall hard.
"How long?" I need to know if these feelings are recent or they've been plaguing her brain for as long as mine have.
"Before you even knew I existed," she whispers and that sends a punch into my chest. She's loved me this entire time and hasn't said a damn thing. I was blinded by her feelings for me and every moment I've spent with her, made me fall for her more and more, yet this entire time she already knew. I don't know if I should be grateful, angry, relieved; I don't know what to do or say right now. So many emotions are pushing through my brain that I just can't function.
I should be happy that she's in love with me. I should be, because I've craved everyday for this moment since I realized I was falling for her, then I get dealt with this realization. She won't ever really be mine, because she's dying. From what? I still don't know, but I know that we have to talk about that. Right now, I asked for answers inside her head and she's finally telling me.
"What are you talking about?" She stands back up straight, rubbing the tears away as she sniffles. She sees now I'm not going anywhere and composes herself to the best of her ability. I can't tell what she's going to say next and I'm afraid.
She takes a deep breath, closing her eyes one last time, before exhaling slowly, flicking her eyes back open to begin speaking.
"Two years ago, I started my job at the university. I was nervous as hell and sitting on the train, I wanted something; anything to focus on that will calm me the fuck down. In the corner of my eye I saw you in your blue blouse with your bust high skirt. Your hair was up that day and as you held the bar, you stared at your phone like something interesting was on the screen. I watched you for a few moments and as the doors opened to let us both off, you walked out and as did I. It was the first time I realized how relaxed I felt that entire morning. I silently thanked your presences for doing so.
"That night I walked back into the route to head home. My day went amazing and you were there. Your hair was down this time, and it looked like you had a rough day. You were still beautiful, regardless of how drained you seemed. I wanted to talk to you, but I didn't know what to expect, so when we got to your stop, I knew that it was just a wasted chance, so I gave up.
"Over the next few months, I continued to see you on the train, at least five days a week; sometimes more, but I never had the heart to talk to you. I vowed I would each time, but when I would finally talk myself into it—the train would stop and you'd walk out. I would've chased you, but I didn't want to look like a freak, so I stayed back. I didn't even know if you were gay or straight anyway, but then I heard you talking to who I assume now was Brittany about how she can't set you up with one of the dancers she works with. You answered after a pregnant pause "I don't care if she's flexible"," she chuckles and I breath out a laugh; I remember saying that.
"I knew nothing about you, but each time I'd see you, I knew gradually I was falling for you. I didn't have to know your name or what you did for a living; I just had your presence alone to go by. I knew you were interested in females, so maybe I had a chance, then I thought you were above me because of how classy you dressed for work and how I dressed in sweats on occasion to my job as a professor. In hindsight, I'm nothing more than an upper level teacher; where would I stand a chance with someone like you? So I talked myself out of it again," She stops for a breath and I am just so awestruck by her words that I don't speak; I just let her continue.
"Finally it came down to me just saying "fuck it" and just do it. I had a doctor's appointment, so I was early and you weren't on the train that time, plus it was Saturday. I didn't expect to see you early. I found out from Rachel that I had this heart condition that can get severe if I didn't get a transplant. I remember my blood running cold when she told me, but my thoughts only went to you and how I was thankful I didn't take the plunge to finally talk to you. I went to the park to think and read, I at least wanted to finish The Hunger Games because my little cousin begged me to read them. So for her, I was going to finish them before there was a chance I could die,"
"I was so engrossed in the book, that I didn't even originally feel someone bump into me. I heard the apology and looked up, meeting your hazel eyes. It was the first time I realized there were specs of brown within them. They were breathtaking, but all I could do was smile at your apology and watch you walk away. I felt like in some way it was fate though. In a city with millions of people, I see you almost every day on the same route as me and in Central Park. New York is nearly big enough to lose yourself in, yet I see you more often than should be considered normal,"
"You've loved me six months before we met?" I clarify after her confession and she nods fearfully, almost as if I'd reject her now. If anything, her entire confession of how she knew she loved me makes me love her ten times more.
I pull her by her belt loops to me and lean closer to her lips. "Tell me again," I whisper and she takes a deep breath, taking my cheeks into her hands, before capturing her lips with mine. A surge of fire courses through my body and I wrap my arms around her neck, deepening the kiss. I fucking missed these lips so much it pains me and now it isn't forced or full of aggression and anger, but love; real love that I know is true.
"I love you," she whispers into my lips. "I love you so fucking much Quinn and I'm so fucking sorry for hiding all of this from you," I don't say anything to her apology, I just wanted to feel those full lips on mine again, so I just pull her back in to my embrace.
The slow pace we created didn't falter and it didn't have to. I felt warm inside knowing that I didn't have to guess and wonder where she stood on my level of feelings. I knew everything and she's here telling me so. It pains me to think that I'm on borrowed time with her if she doesn't get a transplant; it terrifies me, but I can't let her go again. I'd rather die than be away from her another second like this and I'm making damn sure I'm not leaving her side.
x.
Coming back to Santana's is bittersweet. I'm sliding my jacket off and tossing it on her couch as I scan the room. I've been in here countless time, but never really paid attention to much detail. Each piece of furniture and picture frame was in place. She has a bookcase laced with hard and soft cover books along with DVDs.
Feeling warm arms wrap around my midsection, pulling me back to reality. I feel her lips ghost just under my ear, laying feather like kisses underneath it. I close my eyes contently reveling in the fact that it is no longer a dream or a mistake. Her lips are as soft as velvet as they lower down the length of my neck.
Hitching my breath at her fingers dancing along my skin, she pushes further up over my ribs, placing slight pressure. A moan escapes my lips and I knew then that if I turned around and met those brown pools, I'd be putty in her hands—so I did.
Her eyes met mine and we stood this way, almost as if to memorize every bit of each other's features. She cups my cheek, thumbing it gently, before capturing my lips with her own again. It's easy and not rushed like it was a year ago.
I don't even realize we've moved to her bedroom till I feel her sit me down on the side. She leans down in front of me, sliding my shirt over my head, before lowering me down completely on her mattress. I watch her as I trap her legs with my own, not wanting the feeling of her near to go away. She's sliding her own jacket off and pulling her shirt over head just as I sit up to unbutton and unzip her pants.
She breathes deeply, watching me slide the fabric down her tan legs. I kiss along her hipbones, running my hands over her abs, never once losing eye contact. Her muscles flex with each touch and breath, before she steps out of the pants and slides her way up and landing back to my lips.
I wrap my arms around her neck as she hooks hers under my butt, squeezing it firmly, sliding me further on the bed. I moan in pleasure, feeling it deep in my core. I need more than this. It's slow and sensual; something we lacked before, but it's not enough.
I flip her over and straddle her hips as she runs her hands up my back to the clasp of my bra, and with one swift motion, it lands to the floor. She sits up and palms my breast, enticing my nipples, while kissing along my collarbone and shoulders. I groan louder, grinding my hips into her.
Her lips vibrate into my breasts as she takes a nipple into those lips to suck firmly on. "Oh San," I muster, canting my hips harder than before as I strip her of her own bra, tossing it away with my own. She flips us over and kisses down the valley between my breasts, to my navel. I struggle to keep my breath regular as she slowly lowers my pants down my body, taking my panties with them.
The cool air hits me and I gasp at the feel. I have no friction pressing and it's driving me absolutely insane. I close my eyes tightly as she takes her time removing the pieces of clothing that I groan and start teasing myself to get some form of friction. I breathe out a few short breaths, before I stop and realize my clothing is past my feet and there is no movement.
My eyes open and Santana is standing there with just her panties on, watching me. I gulp inaudibly as I see her eyes have glassed over with want. I take my fingers away and she crawls back on the bed, over me and grabbing my hand that I was just using.
She then takes them into her mouth and starts licking up each digit, letting her lips get very bit of taste of me that I had on there. She moans softly and I can't take anymore, as I move my hips up into her. It's a silent plea because we've never needed much words before and I don't think I can form coherent sentences in this moment.
She lets each finger out with a pop, before kissing me deeply, sliding her hand between us. My scream is muffled by her lips as her fingers begin to tease my clit. She rubs it firmly, making tight circles that, only push me further.
"San, more," I pull away from her lips to let out a barely there whisper. I feel her get up and pull away. I groan at the loss of contact, that I almost yell when I see her on her knees, pulling her last remaining piece of clothing. It's the first time I see just how wet she is for me and I just want to taste her. She smirks and gets back on top of me.
I flip her over, wanting the dominance and attach my lips to her nipple. She curses in Spanglish, making me chuckle against her. "Dios Mio. Shit,"
It doesn't last long till I feel her hands on my bare backside again, pushing me further up to her. I pull away and I see that glint in her eyes and before I know it, my entrance is eye level with her and I'm sitting on her chest.
Her tongue darts out, licking up my slit and I gasp, pushing my hips into her. She holds my back, pulling me closer as she licks in circles around my clit, before pushing it deep inside. I thrust my hips into her ministrations as her eyes close, almost to savor the taste.
I slide my hand behind me and start rubbing her clit. Her moan vibrates against me, forcing my eyes to roll back into my head.
"Fuck San," I pull away regrettably, but only enough to reposition myself to face her. She dives back into me and I huff in surprise, not being able to see her movements any longer. I lean forward and I can smell her arousal, causing my senses to heighten just a little bit.
I flick my tongue against her nub and she's groaning against me again. I'm so fucking close and I just want to get her over the edge, so I slide my tongue along her slit up and down, encircling it, while forcing two fingers into her soaking cavity.
"Oh fuck me Q," she pants as I pull my digits out and back in. Before I know it I'm rocking back on her tongue and she's rocking forward on both my tongue and fingers. It feels so amazing to be this in sync with each other and I can feel the build up down in my stomach.
"Shit San, I'm so close," I moan into her and she slows it down; I know why too and I don't complain, even if I want the release that badly.
I work her up further and faster, forcing her to speed up again. My eyes fasten shut as I feel my walls clench, feeling my release course through me as her walls clench against me. My entire body begins to shake as she drinks every drop of me as I do her, before I slow down to a stop.
I pull away and slide off of her, going absolutely limp. My breathing is irregular as is hers, which only pushes me into overload and I slide up next to her, kissing along her chest and neck, trying to get her breathing back to normal.
"If you keep doing that, my breathing is only to get more rapid," she jokes, but I'm not laughing. I love her and she could die at any moment. Maybe this wasn't a good idea.
I look down regrettably. "I'm scared San," I whisper and she just cups my cheek to meet her eyes and kisses my lips softly.
"I know, but we'll get through this. Don't think for a second that I'll try everything I can to stay with you now," she says as I feel my tears begin to well up in my eyes.
"I just really love you," I sniffle and she pulls me closer. I rest my head on her chest. Her heart is beating rapidly, like it has prior. I hate that I haven't known about this yet the signs were obvious. It just feels so helpless that she's here with me, like this after making love finally, and it isn't always going to be this way; perhaps.
"I know and I'll love you till the day I die Q. There will never be another person that could steal my heart like you've done," she whispers into my head, placing a light peck into my hair. I just need to hope that we can always be this way. I can't think that she'll die every time I see her or don't see her. I just have to trust that she has everything under control.
I'll make this quick and easy. I work the next five days, so I don't know when I'll get the next update out. I thank you all very much for the reviews, reading, favoring, and alerting, and I hope this satisfies you all. Happy Valentine's Day or if you're single (like me) Forever Alone Day or just in general Happy Quinntana Day as we all seem to be calling it. Till next time everyone! :)
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