I want to apologize for the long delay. I started another story, I work, and I have a situation at home with my grandmother. If you're following my other story, you're already aware that she is dying of cancer, but she's getting worse mentally as well, so I have to tend to her first before writing unfortunately. Nevertheless, I mentioned this was going to be updated with Traces in the Sand, but I didn't finish that one yet. I felt like this needed more updating than the other story since it's been my main focus mostly, but don't worry it'll be updated hopefully sometime within the week. My brother is coming into town to see my grandmother, plus I am working still, so don't hold me to it too much. Anyway, this chapter isn't that interesting, but I didn't want to leave you guys hanging. So with that, I'm sorry this is super late and I hope you enjoy the chapter.
Chapter Six.
I woke up with a strange eerie feeling. The room was quiet and it was like a déjà vu hit me like a ton of bricks. My eyes searched the room, knowing instantly that it wasn't my own. It was like I was back where I was a year ago, only this time—I wasn't alone.
I feel warmth next to me and steady breathing from the other side. I smile subconsciously at the love that washed over me. I felt a strange sense of peace and comfort knowing that this wasn't a dream. I watched the girl I fell in love with sleeping soundly with almost not care in the world. Her arms draped protectively around my midsection.
I lean further into her embrace, resting my head above her heart. It beat with a rapidness that made me remember that I could lose this all in an instant. I fear it, but all the while I know I need to push through and be strong for her.
I kiss her softly from her neck to her lips, before sliding my way out of her grasp. I needed to shower; to think and to get my day started. I had a lot of things to deal with, like take care of my living situation with Brittany and explaining how the engagement to Caroline just can't happen anymore. I'll hurt her; I already have, but this is the right thing. I'll feel lost if I don't and my happiness is what's at stake here.
I turn the water on and let it go warm, before stepping inside. I sighed content as it rushes down my bare skin. It was already slightly heated from last night and having another warm body pressed to it the entire night. I close my eyes and just let the water run, before I hear the shower curtain rustle and arms wrap around my lower abdomen.
The next thing I feel is lips ghosting over my shoulder and tender fingertips brushing over my skin. I shudder when the lips make their way up my ear and take them between teeth. I groan at the feeling as those perfect lips turn into a smile, knowing exactly what gets me.
"Where you going?" She whispers into my ear as if to hide a secret. I turn in her arms and finally meet tired brown pools and a dripping tan body. I bite my bottom lip in thought. This was everything I imagined it would be. Looking at her knowing she's officially mine and no one could take her away from me—except God apparently.
"I have to talk to Brittany about moving in with her and Caroline about us," I explain especially if Santana and I are going to be together, I have to be honest with her; not like Caroline. I've hid so much from the other woman that I can't just do that to her—they're not the same.
Santana stares at me for a moment, taking a deep breath and sighing. She nods nevertheless to show she understands what I need to do, then leans forward and kisses me deeply. She pulls away and rests her head on my forehead. "There are some things I need to tell you," she mumbles and I look at her concerned, but whatever it is; we'll get through it, so I nod for her to continue.
"Well my next appointment is today this afternoon, so if you'd like to come you're more than welcomed to," she begins and I nod frantically, like as if it's even a question. I want to know everything and how long it'd take for her to get a transplant—I need answers.
She looks away for a moment and I know there is something more, but she's afraid to tell me. I just hope there isn't something else that will ultimately decide her fate is only death. I'm just begging some higher power to not take her away from me, so much so that I feel tears stinging my eyes. The water from the shower hide it very well though because I don't want Santana to see me cry; I can't be weak for her.
"I'm not on the transplant list," she says quietly and those words just knock me into my chest. She's known about her condition for a long time; time that could've easily been spent on a list to get a new heart—chances could've been that she already could've had one, but now she confesses she's on even on it.
I shake my head and the tears begin to come out violently. Though we're still under the water, Santana can easily see now that I'm attempting to refrain from sobbing, but she leans forward and takes me further in her arms, letting me bury myself in her neck. I let them go and I silently apologize to her for not being stronger.
x.
After Santana and I got out of the shower, I explained to her that I'd be at her appointment which was at one. We agreed to meet at the hospital that way I could get everything I needed done. I decided my first stop was Caroline because at least while I'm there I can grab a few times of clothing for sleeping in and work.
Being that it was the weekend, she should be in even with this case taking over her entire life practically. I feel awful for springing this all on her now, when she has so much stress to deal with as it is, but it just needs to happen.
I unlock the door and slide in quietly. The apartment is silent and the windows have been casted down, which let's absolutely zero light in it except through the faint cracks. I gulp inaudibly, when I see Caroline in a chair nursing a glass of wine. The bottle sat next to her on an end table and my heart breaks for her.
She looks up and meets my eyes, before glancing back down at the carpet underneath the coffee table. I don't really know what to say or do, but the awkwardness of the situation is becoming overbearing. I want to get this over with, grab my things and go to Brittany's, and still even be a little early to Santana's appointment.
"I'm going to grab some things," I finally say quietly, slowly advancing to the bedroom. Prolonging everything isn't going to get me anywhere, so I have to push it forward on my own.
"So that's it then?" I hear behind me and shifting of the chair cushion which means she's gotten up. I sigh deeply as I pull the closet door open.
"You're just leaving and not letting us talk this out?" I look up as I hear the closeness of her voice. She is looking on curiously, resting her face against the doorframe. I look away pulling things off hangers and grabbing heels.
"I can't keep doing this to you and I'm hurting myself," I shake my head with a huff, pulling my duffle off the top shelf and placing it on the bed as I fold my clothes to place the items neatly inside.
"Tell me what happened," I stop my motions as I hear her breaking tone. What do I say? Tell her that Santana told me she loved me and it's all I've been waiting to hear from the moment I realized I was in love with her myself? That would devastate her, but she deserved to know the truth.
I stop completely and face her with my arms folded across my chest. She looks like she's prepared for the worst. She already knows I'm planning to leave her, so what more damage can be done?
"Santana is dying," I look down with a defeated expression. "And she told me she's loved me this entire time but didn't know how to tell me when she has her illness," I give her the cliff-notes version and I don't know how she's going to react to all of this. I know her enough to not get defensive about it or angry because that's just not who she is, but her reaction is still unknown.
"Well it already looks like you made your choice then," she finally speaks and turns away to let me finish getting my things. She looked defeated and saddened about me leaving, which is acceptable. I feel terrible about this, but at the same time, it shouldn't be wrong for me to go after my heart right? Santana is my heart and always has been, so why does it hurt so much to see Caroline hurting this way?
I caused this.
x.
My fists rack over the wooden door as I hold my heavy duffle in my left hand. I shift from side to side waiting patiently for Brittany to open her door. I sigh deeply, feeling a cramp hitting my arm, but I do my best to ignore it. I'm not entirely sure what I should tell Brittany about this situation. She's always been there for me and the greatest support system I could ever imagine, but to see me coming to her apartment with a duffle will definitely raise some questions.
When I hear the clicking of the lock and the chain being moved, her door pops open and she eyes me in disbelief. She has glasses perched on her nose, which she wears when she insists she's reading, but I know differently—it's quite comical.
"You have some explaining to do," she says sternly and I shake my head with no response as she moves away so I can be let in.
I walk to her couch and sit down, placing my duffle next to my feet as she sits down across from me, waving for me to speak, but I just look at her curiously. "Please Britt, I can't take you seriously with those things," I roll my eyes, letting out a deep sigh and she shrugs, pulling them off and placing them in her lap.
"Suitable enough for you?" Brittany states and I smirks, nodding.
"Yes thank you my dear," she replies sarcastically and then suddenly turns serious, knowing in reality Brittany wanted the truth. "I need a place to stay," I added and Brittany quirks her eyebrows questionably.
I bite my bottom lip and begin to tell her about everything. "I lied about everything," I look down at my hands threading between each other and I sigh deeply. "I didn't talk to Santana to just get closure. We decided to put everything behind us—we missed each other, even just as friends, so we kept talking," I look up to meet Brittany's eyes and her facial expression softened at my admittance. I gulp at her silence because this is Brittany I'm speaking to—she's a girl of a million words. She always has something to say, so my tears start to come.
"I just didn't know where else to go when Caroline found out about us talking again. I went to Santana and I felt better, but I needed the closure because maybe I could fix things with Caroline and just be friends with Santana—so I asked her why she told me she was right for me then suddenly change her mind—,"
"Wait—wait, she told you that?" I nodded when Brittany finally spoke to understand everything. I nodded frantically. "When?"
"When we slept together a year ago," I told her and Brittany leans forward on her knees, shaking her head as she rubs her lips with her fingertips. I knew then and there that she was thinking about something, but that didn't mean she'd indirectly tell me what it was. There is something though and I'm positive it has to do with Santana mostly.
"She said she made a mistake?" She asks meeting my eyes again and all I could do was nod; there wasn't much else I can say, but clarify it. "And you believed her?" She adds in almost shock, that's when my eyes widen.
"Well no, but what the hell was I to do? Call her a liar?" I ask and she nods like it's almost obvious, but I'm not entirely sure why this is relevant now. It doesn't matter. This shit happened and now we're together again—well sort of and we weren't together even before, but besides that—I have my answers.
"This isn't the point Britt. I slept with Santana again—last night after mine and Caroline's fight. She told me she loved me for real and I—I left Caroline, but now I need my best friend," I tell her truthfully and calmly. She gives me a tight lipped smile and sighs, before getting up and grabbing my duffle. She walks around her coffee table with it and I begin to follow her—I hope she doesn't throw my things out the fire escape; not that she is the type anyway.
She brings it into her extra room and sits it down on the couch. "It's a pull out. It's not comfortable and I found it on the street, but I got it refurbished, so like it's still awesome," she shrugs and I smile gratefully; ignoring the fact that there is a possibility of a family of stray cats living in it, before taking her in my arms to hug her tightly.
"Quinn, I've always been there for you, no matter what. You're my best friend and I love you. I know Santana is someone you were destined to be with and I love when you're with her. You feel alive and like a kid again—you forget your control. Caroline couldn't bring that same emotion out of you that Santana could, but it didn't mean she was a bad person—it just wasn't right. Do what makes you happy and I'll love you all the same with zero judgment," she explains with a smile.
"I love you too," I mumble into her shoulder, before pulling away and she wipes tears I didn't even know sprang out. She scrunches her nose up a little, which makes us both giggle and I let out a deep breath I didn't even realize I was holding, when a thought suddenly hit me.
"There's a problem though," I tell her, before she could make any emotions or say anything. "Santana's sick—like seriously sick and if I can't get her on a transplant list, she could die," I break to her and she pulls me back into her arms, knowing I need the comfort. "I can't lose her Britt,"
"You won't honey," she whispers and honestly I hope her promise is actually enough to convince me of that.
x.
I walk into the hospital immediately after I get situated at Brittany's. I'm so thankful to have my best friend by my side through all of this, but at the same time it doesn't exactly seem like it's enough when I'm worried about Santana. I'm thankful nothing's changed with her physically, seeing as she was diagnosed with her condition awhile ago, which gives me hope and yet I'm concerned we've wasted too much time—I'm scared.
I take a deep breath and let it out when I see her slouched in her chair, sleeping. She looks so cute hunched over that I walk over to the desk to see if she's checked in at least, before she fell asleep—which she did, so I sit down next to her and kiss her head.
She shakes herself awake, smiling dopey like at me, then leans over and kisses my lips softly. She pulls away and I couldn't help but smile back—it all feels so normal and natural to be this way publicly with her. "Did you get everything that you needed taken care of?" She stretches when she asks as a yawn escapes her.
"Yes, so I'll be living with Brittany from now on," I say with a small yet proud smile that I at least did what I was supposed to do, even if it did take a lot of pushing.
"You mean until I put a ring on it," she clarifies and I swear my heart skipped a beat when she said those words. The thought of having Santana as my wife is indescribable.
Before I could come up with any response, her name was called and she stood up. I get up too, placing my purse on my shoulder and grabbing her hand to lace our fingers together. The nurse does the routine check up on basics, like her weight and height, before bringing us into the room to wait for the doctor. It didn't take long till Rachel came walking in with her file and when she saw me she stopped short. Santana just waves it off to show it was okay.
"I'd like to clarify that it was Santana's idea for me to fake date her," I chance a look at Santana, who's eyes widen at Rachel's admittance.
"I didn't tell her you weren't my girlfriend," Santana says in a harsh tone, just as Rachel slapped her shoulder.
"Oh stop it, the woman is here for a reason which means you finally told her you love her, therefore she knows your condition and wants to know all the information. I'm a doctor—I'm not stupid," she says, looking over at me to confirm her response, which I nod to because it's all true.
I pull Santana down by her cheeks and kiss her on the lips. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I love her now tell her to let go of my cheeks—they're the lady killers," she jests, but I let them go anyway, even though she's right. That single dimple is what gets me, before I kiss her one last time and sit back down in my chair.
"Oh you two are adorable," Rachel says with a sincere smile. "Okay, but down to business. Now Quinn, Santana obviously brought you here because she has no problem with you knowing her situation, so with that said she has a condition called cadriomyopathy, which causes shortness of breath, fatigue, irregular heartbeats, dizziness, swelling of the legs, and bloating. Now from what I'm aware of Santana has most of these things and with this diagnosis, her condition could've gotten worse fairly quickly, but she's lucky. Due to her excellent health otherwise, her condition is actually a slow term case. It will get worse though, this is why she needs a transplant. She's been on medications to keep it regulated," Rachel explains thoroughly and I nod with each piece of information she gives me. I'm thankful she's not like most doctors that use large terminology so you can't understand what it is they're saying.
"And how long would it take for her to get a transplant if she gets on the list?" I ask because if it worsens before she gets a new heart, then it's almost not worth it, but we have to try. I will not give up on her that easily. I love her way too much for that to happen.
Rachel sighs, glancing at Santana who has been silent during this entire time. "There's no way of knowing. A lot of people all over the country need hearts, but the quicker she gets on it the better. The list is divided into seriousness and blood types, so it's all relative, but I've tried getting her on this list and she's refused every time," I look over at Santana. She's refused to get on the list? This is definitely new information that I didn't know and my heart sinks, knowing she could've been on it this entire time and was specifically asked, but she kept saying no. In a way this causes anger to arise. For all we know she could've had a new heart already and for some unknown reason, she said no.
"I want on it now," her voice breaks through finally and meets my eyes with a hopeful expression. Rachel meets her vision as well and nods furiously, making a note in the file to get her on the list, breathing out a smile.
"You are certain you want to do this? You were very adamant before," she checks and Santana leans forward to take my hand in hers, grasping it tightly. She rubs her thumb over the top of my palm softly and pulls it to her lips to kiss it gently.
"I'm sure. Get me on that list and I'll hold on till I get it," she says and I smile at her, forgetting my anger as Rachel nods confidently, getting up and walking out. I sigh deeply, getting up and resting my hands on Santana's thighs. I stand between her legs and I lean up to press my lips gently to hers. They linger together before we pull away and she cups my cheek in her hand.
"You're my heart," she whispers, leaning forward again to kiss me. "I love you and I'm staying here with you. I promise you that," and I believe her because I have no other choice, but to do just that.