It's been awhile guys, but I'm glad you've all been so patient with me. I have gotten a lot of your messages on Tumblr and on here, and I can't express how grateful I am for you all that have been checking up on me. I am doing much better these days; like really good actually, so hopefully I'll be back writing completely soon. I have been placing my thoughts towards my writing rather than my life; planning a lot I want to happen in here and TITS. So with that said, thank you all so much for everything as always. If you have anything you want to express to me, please feel free to ask through Tumblr (still limited internet access, so again just send messages on TUMBLR. You don't have to have one to ask me anything there.) This has everything that you guys favor so I hope you enjoy and I'll hopefully get started on TITS next chapter tomorrow the latest.
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Chapter Eight.
It has been a few weeks since my last nightmare and I like to think it had to do with both Tina and Santana's words of wisdom. I'm finally coming to the realization that I'm not being as supportive as I could be for my girlfriend. She's the one that could potentially pass away from this and yet I'm worrying more about myself; even if I believed I was worried for her too. Santana wouldn't ever admit it often, but I know she's scared of what this could mean for us, but she and I have waited two years too long for this moment—we can't give up yet.
Since my last nightmare though, our relationship has taken quite a bit of a turn. I'm over Santana's much more and being the affectionate, loving girlfriend that I should be. I went to her last appointment and Rachel says that even though her heart does seem to be weakening since the last time we saw her, Santana is still a strong candidate for the transplant and that she will keep word circulating about being in need of an organ donor.
It worried me when she said it, but it wasn't enough for me to just think of myself. I chanced a look at my girlfriend and her head was down, staring at our clasped hands in her lap. Her thumb caressed the skin between my forefinger and thumb—it's when I knew I had to show my support. I wrap my free arm around her completely and kiss the top of her head then advanced to her nose, to eventually her lips. I stared into her eyes for a moment and I could see her charm and that usually carefree spirit slowly dissipating before me. That's who she is and if that's gone, who is she? I can't let that warm spirit of hers dissolve because of this.
It's the middle of the night and I'm laying in bed wide awake, I turn over to see a sleeping Santana. Each time she exhales a breath, her chest jumps in a way that shows she's having a harder time breathing than normal. I lay there for a moment just watching her till I finally get up and straddle her hips. I lean forward on my elbows and make a trail of kisses down her neck. I hear a content sigh escape her lips as her hand rests underneath my shirt, making light circles on my lower back. When I finally move away, her eyes are just barely open but there is a content smile playing on her lips.
"Another nightmare?" She asks concerned, running her other hand through my hair which in turn makes me relax instantly.
I shake my head. "I just can't sleep. I'm thinking about so much and I'm worried about you," I confess because I know there is no need to be dishonest with Santana. She's never judgmental and even though I know she tries to be strong in my wake, the hero needs to be saved every now and then.
She traces each contour of the features of my face with her fingertips, letting her thumb brush on my bottom lip, till she rests her hand on the nap of my neck to pull me closer to her lips. They connect briefly till it grew more urgent prompting Santana to ever so gently turn us over so she was now hovering over me. Her fingertips ghost at the hem of my shirt, teasing the idea of pulling it over my head before doing so and discarding it somewhere else. I listen to each intake of breath she takes, knowing full well where this is leading but I'm not entirely sure where this will get us.
This is merely a distraction from my thoughts and I'm well aware of that; however, do I let this continue or do I stop it because I'm afraid it'll take too much out of her. I don't have much time to decide because by the time I figure it out, Santana's already pulling my underwear down leaving a trail of kisses in her wake. My mind is in a haze and I feel dizzy with the gratifying feeling of Santana's tongue, licking my inner thighs as her hands stroke the outer parts. She gently pulls them apart and slowly licks a line up the slit. I let out an unsteady breath as I tense at the not so sudden action—I knew it was coming. I bite my bottom lip as she licks another and takes my clit into her mouth with swoop of her tongue, capturing it with her delicious lips. She sucks it as she plays with my entrance, making circles around it, letting a whimper escape my lips.
I don't speak. I don't beg and I know that wasn't something she was looking for it. She was looking for me to relax without speaking about what really is causing me so much grief. We've talked about this countless amounts of time and no amount of talking is going to change the situation. I've been staying over at her place more and more though because I just don't want to miss a moment of being near her.
I feel her push through my entrance with two fingers and I groan as she thrusts frantically in and out. I let out an embarrassingly loud moan, thankful the walls are thick enough so no one hears. She's never done this before and I'm unable to control myself as she flicks her tongue frantically against my clit, rubbing it with her other hand as she continues her thrusting. I know I'm getting exceptionally vocal and I feel the buildup happening much quicker than I imagined it would, till she pulls out and just rubs my clit.
"Oh my God San," I breath out, running my fingers through her silky dark locks to let her know to continue her ministrations. Whatever I was worried about is long forgotten as she gets back to thrusting inside me again, but my screams have definitely returned. "Oh fuck San, fuck!" I throw my head back as I feel my climax reaching its breaking point, suddenly making itself known as my hips buck into her.
All I see is white dots around the dark room as she kisses her way up my stomach. As she comes face to face with me I see a sheen glistening on her features with a proud smile on her face. I narrow my eyes and peck her lips, then the rest of her face. She giggles and that's when I taste what is not sweat.
My mouth drops. "Oh my God San! You didn't?" I shriek and she laughs louder kissing my neck several times then wipes her face clean with part of her shirt; I cover my face in embarrassment.
"Babe what are you doing?" She asks and I don't look at her. I feel mortified that I was so engrossed in what she was doing that I let myself get out of control that much.
"I can't look at you without being embarrassed," I take the pillow next to me and cover my face. I hear a light chuckle escape her as she rubs my sides gently.
"Never be embarrassed because you squirted," I throw the pillow at her face, enticing another smile as she catches it mid laugh. I turn over and slide on top of her as she stares up at me like I'm the only person in this world. Regardless of how truly mortified I feel, this girl is the most amazing person I could ever have the pleasure of loving and being with. Even with her health issues and emotions about it all, she still worries about only me.
"I love you," I whisper to her as the sides of her lips quirk up ever so slightly. "But please never use that word again," I add with the complete and utter seriousness laced within it.
She laughs, but agrees, pecking my lips softly. We turn over next to each other and I find now I can probably fall asleep. I didn't want to talk about any of the future or her health anymore. I just wanted to live my life with her, even if it means I am potentially running out of time. I just want to know that I'm making the most of the time I do have with her because I know she wants the same which is why she avoided conversations earlier—there is nothing to say simply because we can't predict anything; just hope.
She circles her arms around me, resting them on my stomach and I smile at the warmth it sends through my body. As I'm drifting into a slumber, I hear, "I think you shot me in my eyes," Well there goes the mood I earlier tried to establish.
x.
I am awoken the next morning by something heavier than paper, but lighter than a body overlapping my waist. My eyes slowly open to see a breakfast spread on a small lap table accessorized with two eggs, half the plate full of bacon because my baby knows how much I love my bacon while a mug of coffee is placed on the night table next to me. I smile at her effortless beauty. She looks like she just rolled out of bed, placed her hair in a messy bun and still managed to cook me breakfast.
"I know you're capable of doing all of this on your own, but I thought I'd do something for you to show how much you truly mean to me," she sits down crossing her legs as I sit up and take a piece of bacon between my teeth. I moan instantaneously at the tingling sensation it gives me in my mouth—she's getting plenty of kisses later.
"This bacon is amazing babe," I comment and she smiles just enough for it to reach her eyes as well as show off that perfect dimple.
I lean forward and peck her lips gently as I grab the mug on the night table. I take a sip of the warmth that smells of Hazelnut, then place it down where I found it, meeting her content stare. I bite my bottom lip to hide the blush that is creeping up my neck—did it suddenly get hot in here? We sit in a blissful silence with nothing but our thoughts encircling the bedroom. To think this is how my life has become in a few months really overwhelms as well as makes me cherish the fact that we're here. A year before if you told me I'd be having breakfast made by the love of my life, sharing kisses and hot passionate sex I'd believe you, but if you told me that it was Santana and I never really got over her, but she finally told me how she felt for me, I wouldn't have believed that, but this is real and it's everything I had hoped for, but never thought to be reality.
Alas I see her look down and fiddle with something in her hands. She sighs deeply and I want to know what she's grasping so tightly to, but afraid to voice it—it could be anything, so I just stare. I watch her every moment and every turn of her fingertips, every bite of her lip till it disappears in her mouth, then she looks up and her eyes are filled with worry along with such distance that I haven't seen in them since the year before she disappeared from my life. I suddenly feel a rush of fear coursing through my body that hits me to the core of my bones sending shuddering shivers down my spine. I'm reminded of the way I told her I loved her and she said making love to me was a mistake. I know this is nothing of the sort because we're not those people anymore. Regardless of what our pasts were, she is a new person and she isn't running from me any longer.
She smiles my way, almost to reassure me that whatever reservations I'm having in this moment are not needed. She moves the tray from my lap then leans down in front of me, rubbing her thumb up and down my cheek, before letting it glide over my bottom lip. She kisses just that one and it's over before I can even recognize her lips were even there. She laces our fingers together, mustering the best smile she could.
"I love you Quinn Fabray," she whispers blinking back a few tears that are threatening to spill out—what's going on that's making her so upset?
"I love you," I reply back with no way of hiding my deep concern for these intense emotions she's spilling out before me.
She smiles again, capturing her bottom lip between her teeth, chancing a glance down at her other hand then back up at me. "I know we've been through a lot and we still are with everything that's happening with my heart. I know you're scared—terrified even and I am too, but I'm trying to be strong and you're doing the best you can," she takes a deep breath, taking a pregnant pause. "I know you're afraid of losing me and not a day goes by where I'm not afraid of the idea of leaving you. The waiting game sucks ass more than either one of us can admit enough, so I'm done waiting," she lets out a shaky sigh, before holding up a blue box that can fit in the palm of either one of our hands.
My eyes immediately water at just that box because I already know of its contents. I know what is keeping it safe, but I'm preparing myself altogether what this could mean for us. Our eyes meet and I'm sure both of our set of eyes look the same and as she lets go of my hand to pop it open, the sound alone prompts me to look down at the beautiful diamond shining as bright as I could ever imagine. The band has small diamonds encircling the larger base, taking up about half the white band.
"I'm sure you know my next question, so please don't interrupt," she pokes my nose with tip of her finger, making me chuckle as my tears fall down my cheeks. "Will you please marry me?" She asks, sporting this big grin and I pull her up to my face, grabbing both of her cheeks and kissing her passionately.
I pull away and she brushes away the loose tears that have missed the journey with the rest of them. "That was a yes right?" She eyes carefully and I giggle, pecking her lips simply, whispering my answer into them.
"Yes and a thousand times more,"
x.
For the next couple of days, all I could do is stare at the amazing ring that accessorized by my finger. Getting engaged this time around, felt far less forced than it did when Caroline asked. I will admit I was happy then, but it feels so different with Santana. The fact is, my heart truly belonged to Santana and always will. With Caroline, I feel maybe I said yes because it was what was expected of me. I'm at the age where marriage and children are supposed to be in my future—near future that is. I felt like I was on borrowed time because of that reason. I probably could've married Caroline, had a family, and still be happy, but I think in some way, something would feel empty even through all of that and I know now that it's Santana.
I sit in a booth at a slightly crowded restaurant, waiting for Brittany because I wanted to share with her the big news. I don't come back to her apartment much because I've spent so much time at Santana's that I practically live there. I wanted to do this right though. I didn't want the obligation of getting together with Santana officially meaning that we had to live together. At this point though, it would just make sense, considering we're engaged now.
The bell rings above the door and my eyes jump up to see her rushing through with her scarf blowing behind her. I make sure to keep my hands in my lap, so she doesn't notice the rock I'm sporting. Instead she plops down in front of me and opens the menu.
"I am so starving and exhausted," she says, searching the menu for anything at this point I'm sure. I sip my water and open the menu for myself as well.
"Do you want to talk about it?" I ask curiously, peaking up to see if I gauged a reaction. She closes the menu almost dramatically with a huff, pushing it to the end of the table.
"I have back to back rehearsals that I can hardly find time to sleep and eat. After I leave here, I have to return back to the stage and run through the production two more times, before I'm officially done," she explains and as she does so, the waiter returns as we give him our orders, he leaves, but not before Brittany orders something stronger than water.
"I'm sorry Britt—your show is opening next week though, right? So maybe they're just trying to be prepared," I reason because if I know anything about productions whether it was Cheerios or Glee Club, or theater productions, practice was always a must because without it you won't be at your best.
She sighs deeply as her drink is sat in front of her. "I know and you're right. I'm just being a bitch because I can't think clearly, but hopefully after this I will be," she smiles almost deviously as she sips at her drink.
"Okay now you called me, so what's up? The fact that we live together and you're never there only means we're in need of some together time," she adds and I couldn't agree more, so I'm hoping that she'll be willing to help me plan my wedding when she discovers the news.
"I know and I'm really sorry about that. I have work and you have work, and then I'm at Santana's because I can't sleep without her," I sigh which is the truth and Brittany knows it. I've had countless run ins where in a state of slumber, she'll have to sleep with me because I don't want to call Santana—it's gotten to the point where she told Santana about them and Santana said she could call her if there was ever an issue, but now that I sleep at her place the nightmares have become less of a burden.
"But they're better though right?"
I nod as I take another long sip of my water, just as our food comes. "Yes thankfully and Santana's been really good about it. She talks to me in a way that eases my worries with all of this. I have to just remember there is more people than just me at risk of losing her, you know?" I tell her and she nods understandingly.
"Yeah I get it, but it doesn't make it any less scary," she adds. "So still nothing from the transplant people?" she asks and I look up to meet her blue eyes and after a moment I shake my head.
"Usually the more serious cases go first and since Santana's isn't in a critical state yet, she has to wait," I explain, having serious flashes of seeing her on her death bed as we now finally get pushed up to top of the list—it's terrifying, but I shake my head of the thoughts because we're not there yet and I don't want to imagine us ever being there.
"Oh my god!" She suddenly shrieks and I look up as her eyes fixate on my ring finger. I lick my lips and begin to blush. "Quinn! Did she propose to you? When were you planning on telling me?" She asks a million miles a minute I feel like.
I chuckle lightly. "That's what this lunch was supposed to be about. She proposed over the weekend and we got sidetracked so I haven't found the right window to tell you—plus I didn't want to make it about me, I genuinely care what you're up to these days too," I told her and she smiled widely, shaking her head in disbelief.
"This is beautiful Quinn and I can tell this time around you're happy. You're glowing and this—this is who you were meant for," Brittany states as she holds my hand in the middle of the table. "We were in this very booth when you first told me about the stranger you met on the subway. You spent the night going to the movies with her while I picked on you, saying you were in love after only one night and now you're engaged to her. It's amazing how time flies and how right I was," she jests at the end, sipping her drink again as I laugh.
"Are you gloating or do you want to be my best friend and help me plan my wedding?" I ask and she smiles widely again, nodding.
"What kind of best friend would I be if I didn't?" She counters, holding her finger up slightly. "Oh and I am gloating. I have every right to because after all, I totally pictured this moment," she adds and I roll my eyes because she's completely right.
I won't deny I was setting myself up for my feelings towards Santana the moment I laid eyes on her book. Fate has a way of doing crazy things to us. Santana knew of me for a year before I finally noticed her which I still can't believe because she's so stunningly beautiful. I was so absorbed in my job that I just didn't pay attention to anyone else, but she did. I always wonder if she had the courage to come up to me back then, if I would have given her the time of day. I probably would have spoken to her, but I don't know how far we would have gotten. Her personality was just so fun and carefree in comparison to mine—it still is to be honest, but we definitely don't have as many days like we did when we were just friends. Now it just consists of some doctor appointments, cooking together, watching television together, having sex, and then sleeping. We act like we're married already, but even though that light that brought us together isn't as bright as it was, I can honestly say that when Santana gets that new heart it'll come back. I just know that the love of my life—the one I fell for all those months ago will shine and I can't wait to spend my life with her.