Thank you so much Jenjoremy for beta'ing this for me. You're the best. Thank you Gredelina1 for all you do for me and the story xxx
Chapter Eighteen
Dean couldn't make his mind work. It felt like he was frozen completely by his devastation.
He had tried to prepare himself for this outcome, but he hadn't done a good enough job. It was Castiel that had failed. He had wiped away the beating Dean had received at Lucifer's hands. He had brought Bobby back to life, healing a broken neck. Dean had truly believed he could fix this for them. How was it possible for him to do all the incredible things Dean had seen and not be able to fix Sam's mind? He felt betrayed all over again. He had needed this from Castiel and he had let him down.
"I don't understand," Elsie said. "Why didn't it work? I saw the light and Sam's reaction. Something definitely happened to him."
"He can't be fixed," Dean said in a dead voice, sinking down onto the couch again. "This is it."
"No!" Alfie said sternly. "One thing has failed. There are other things to try. It's not over."
"Isn't it?" Dean asked. "What else can we try? This was supposed to be our miracle, and it failed. He failed." He glowered at Castiel.
Castiel looked unruffled by Dean's hostility. "I did physically heal him. There was dead tissue in Sam's brain and I repaired it."
"But he's still closed off," Elsie said. "Why isn't that better?"
"That was not something I could heal," he said. "It was more than just physical damage. It was something spiritual."
"What do you mean?" Alfie asked.
Castiel considered. "There is a wall around Sam. It's not organic. He created it himself. It's like he's protecting himself from something. I don't know how much of his mental health I was able to improve, but I could not remove the wall."
"That makes a change," Dean said bitterly.
"I don't understand," Castiel said.
Dean shook his head. "It doesn't matter. What you're saying is that you can't fix him?"
"I don't think I can heal more without Sam removing the wall. Even then, it might not be something that needs to be fixed. It could be that the extent of his damage now is self-inflicted. He could be fine if he opened himself."
"The disassociation," Alfie said thoughtfully. "He's doing it to himself."
"Why though?" Elsie asked.
"To protect himself," he said. "Think of when it started. Sam had just been dealt the news of Jessica and Bobby's deaths, and the fact that he had a brain injury. He was forced to face what had happened, and he was impacted with the grief of two deaths and a terrible personal loss at the same time. If he could find some way of protecting himself from that, wouldn't he? Wouldn't any of us?"
"He chose this," Dean said. "He's left me behind on purpose."
That thought was almost more painful than anything that had happened since the accident. Dean hadn't been enough for him to stay for. After everything they'd been through together, he'd chosen to leave him behind. Dean had given everything for him, and Sam couldn't give him this.
"It's not like that, Dean," Alfie said. "It was just too much for him to cope with."
"And it's not for me?" Dean asked. "He doesn't know what he's doing to me by choosing this?"
Elsie moved to sit beside him and she squeezed his hand. "He can't think of that right now."
Dean shook his head. He didn't have words to explain how he felt. They couldn't understand. They had read the books, but they hadn't lived it. It was impossible for them to understand what he and Sam did for each other, what Sam did for him, because it wasn't their life.
"I think I should go," Castiel said. "If someone could direct me to a motel, I will make my own way home tomorrow."
"There's a place in town," Alfie said. "I'll take you there now."
"Thank you," Castiel said. "I am sorry I could not do more for you, Dean. I wish I could have healed Sam completely, but at least you know now that this is something he can come back from. He just needs to do it for himself."
Dean laughed mirthlessly. "Yeah, that'll happen."
Alfie stood and gestured Castiel out ahead of him. Dean bowed his head and listened to their voices in the hall and then the opening and closing of the door.
"I don't understand how he could do this," Dean said after a long period of sitting silent with his hand in Elsie's. "He's left me alone."
"He had to," Elsie said. "It's the only way he could protect himself. If we're not real, then what he heard isn't either: Bobby and Jessica are alive, he's not injured, and life makes sense to him again."
"How can this make sense though?" Dean asked. "What kind of life does he have just drifting from room to room, ignoring us? That's not living; it's existing."
"We don't know," Elsie said. "He could be happy in his head. Perhaps there he sees the people he loves alive again."
Dean glanced over the back of the couch and through the window at Sam. "He doesn't seem happy. I know my brother, and like this he's hurting. If he would just talk to me, I could help him, but he won't even give me that. We could all take care of him, make him see there's reasons to keep fighting, but he won't let us."
"Perhaps Doctor Platt can help him."
"How? We can't tell him Sam had a miracle healing so it's okay for him to use all his tricks now." He released her hand and rubbed at his eyes. "I can't even be angry with him as it's my fault."
"How can it be your fault?"
"So many ways," Dean said. "If I could have got through to him before Lilith, I could have stopped Lucifer being freed at all. If I hadn't been so convinced he would fail and let Lucifer in, I could have found another way to stop him needing to take the dive. If I'd paid attention to what Castiel was doing, he would never have been in a position to want to break Sam's wall in the first place. It would be hidden from him still, and he never would have had the crash." He groaned. "This is on me."
"No," she said firmly. "It is on Castiel. He broke the wall. He set this in motion. I know enough about you to know that each of those things you listed was a mistake. You would have been doing all that you could to stop it. Lay the blame where it belongs: not at Sam's feet or your own, at Castiel's. He did this to you both."
Dean nodded, knowing she was at least partially right. "He asked if I hated Castiel, Emmanuel I mean, and I told him I didn't know. I know now. He has destroyed Sam and I can never forgive him for that. He's ruined everything, and he was supposed to be family. You don't do that."
"You don't," she agreed. "He was wrong and he did something terrible. But killing him is not the solution."
"I couldn't if I wanted to," Dean said. "I don't have the right weapon."
"But do you want to?"
"I don't know. For what he's done to me and Sam, I could, but he's doing good in the world now, and I can't take that away from other people."
"Good. Let him go and do what you can here. There must be a way to reach Sam, we just need to find it."
"I don't know how," Dean said. "I know Sam better than anyone else in the world, and I have no idea what to do next."
"Izzy!" she said, suddenly excited. "She reached him before; he was different when she was here. Perhaps she can reach him again."
"No," Dean said dully. "We can't do that to her. If she comes and he's closed, it will hurt her. She doesn't deserve that. She's just a kid."
His absolute defeat settled over him and he felt his eyes burning. There was nothing he could do to fix this. He could risk a little girl's heart, but it would be unfair. They had hurt so many people in their lives already. They shouldn't do it to a child.
He blinked and a tear slipped down his cheek. Elsie crooned softly and stroked his hair and he knew he had to get away. He couldn't breathe. If he stayed, he would break, and if he did that, he didn't think he would ever find a way to put himself back together again.
"I've got to go," he said, getting quickly to his feet. "Can you watch Sam?"
"Of course. Where are you going though?"
"I don't know. I just have to get out." He forced a wet smile and bent and kissed her cheek. "Thank you, Elsie."
Leaving her sitting in shock and sadness, he walked into the hall and grabbed his jacket from the hook by the door. The air outside dried the tears on his cheeks as he walked away from the house. He made for the car and then diverted away. He wanted to get loaded and he wasn't going to risk driving with the amount of alcohol he planned to have in him by the end of the day.
Leaving his brother to the care of his friend, he set off along the street in search of oblivion.
Dean sat in the corner of the bar watching people coming and going. It had been almost empty when he'd arrived, and he'd had no trouble getting a private table, but it was busier now night had fallen fully and he was the only one sitting alone. His expression had kept anyone from trying to join him though, and he was left in peace. It was strange that in a place this loud and busy that he felt peaceful in a way he could not alone in a room.
He ran a finger around the rim of the shot glass of whiskey in front of him distractedly then took a draw on his beer. He wasn't drunk, nowhere near in fact, but the presence of the option in front of him helped.
He saw movement at the bar and sighed. He should have known this would happen eventually. Alfie was here. He spoke to the bartender who pointed in the direction of Dean's table. He looked relieved as he caught sight of him and hurried over. Dean pushed away his drinks as Alfie took a seat beside him.
"I thought you would be drunk by now," he said in lieu of a greeting.
"So did I. But apparently, it takes more than half a beer to give me a buzz," Dean said with a shrug.
"Indeed. I was told that you bought these drinks hours ago and haven't finished them yet. So your intent was to get drunk when you arrived; what changed?"
"You," Dean said. "I couldn't be with Sam yet, and I wanted to be drunk so bad, I wanted to be wasted, but I knew I couldn't leave you and Elsie to deal with it either. If something happened, you would have called, so I needed to stay sober."
"I'm glad of it," Alfie said. "Alcohol poisoning is never an answer to any problem."
Dean nodded. "Took me a long time to learn that one."
"You have now, and that's what matters. In the morning I am going to take Castiel to the bus depot and see him off on his way home."
"Good," Dean said.
Part of him wanted to keep Castiel there. To make him try again and keep trying until he fixed Sam, until he broke down the wall and made him Sam again, but he didn't think it would work. He also knew he couldn't stand to be around him a moment longer than he had to be. Every time he thought of Castiel, he thought of Sam and what he had been. He wanted to strike out when he thought of what Castiel had done to them.
"He seems genuinely remorseful," Alfie said.
"He doesn't know the half of it."
"Exactly. He feels he has failed and he is totally unaware of just how much."
Dean's hands fisted. "I can't even think about him right now, Alfie. It feels like I'm on fire when I do."
"I understand. You should come home though. Sam is there."
"What's the point?"
"Sam is the point," Alfie said passionately.
"He doesn't care if I'm there or not. He probably doesn't even notice anymore. He has closed himself to me completely. No matter what's happened before, he's never been like this. He's run from me and hidden, but he's not done this."
"I am sure he cares in his heart. He just can't show it. Perhaps he doesn't think you're real, but you're still his brother in his heart. He knows who Dean is, even if he can't see that it's you. He needs you."
"No, he needs a miracle, and we already tried that. It failed. He's gone."
"What will you do then?" Alfie asked. "You can't sit here forever. The bar will close and you'll have to go somewhere."
"I don't know what to do. I can't think of any other way to help him. I know we should be fighting again, but I can't do that with Sam the way he is."
"Would you leave him with us?" Alfie asked.
"No. It's not your job to take care of him."
"It is ours as much as yours, Dean. You and Sam are our family now. If it would help you to be away, we will happily take care of him while you take care of yourself. You could come back anytime, but while you're gone, we will keep him safe. Doctor Platt can continue to visit. He might be able to help him still. It could be easier now that Sam's mind isn't so confused. This barrier he has created around himself, withdrawing from us, is something psychological that could be fixed with help."
"It wouldn't feel right," Dean said. "I know what you're offering, and I am so grateful, but I can't do it."
"Not even for Sam? If he was in his right mind, would he want you to stay and suffer or leave and take care of yourself and others again?"
Dean considered. He knew what Sam would want, and that was him fighting to save others. He didn't think he could do it though. Alfie and Elsie had already been too good to them. He couldn't ask them for more.
"I don't think so."
Alfie nodded. "You don't have to decide yet. The option will always be open. Perhaps give yourself a few more days to think about it. See how it is to be with Sam now and see how you feel."
"I will." He was sure his decision wouldn't change though. How he felt might, but the fact Sam would need him wouldn't.
"Will you come home now?" Alfie asked.
Dean nodded. "I guess I'd better."
He stood at the same moment the man at the table beside his own did. He bumped into him and quickly apologized, but the man glowered at him with what looked like genuine hatred and fisted his hands. Dean would have ordinarily been happy to fight the man if it was offered, he might enjoy it even given the way he felt with all his suppressed rage towards Castiel, but he was with Alfie and would not do that to him.
He apologized again and slid away from him to the door. They got out to the cool night air and Dean took a deep breath.
"That was uncomfortable," Alfie said. "I thought you were going to fight him."
"For a moment, so did I," Dean admitted.
Alfie turned for the parking lot behind the bar and Dean went after him. They were almost at the car when the man Dean had bumped into before came out. He looked furious though oddly excited. Dean knew trouble was coming.
"Get in the car, Alfie," he said.
He didn't look to see if he obeyed, but after a moment he felt Alfie step up beside him and he cursed under his breath.
"I don't want trouble," Dean said, raising his hands.
The man grinned. "That's a real pity, because I do."
"Look, I'll buy you a drink and we can call it good," Dean said, reaching for his wallet.
"I don't want a drink, Winchester, I want the angel." He blinked once and his eyes turned red.
Alfie sucked in a breath, and Dean snapped at him to get back even as he took a step back.
"Here I was, running my patch for deals, and I overhear you talking about the angel," the demon said. "I heard you and your brother had dropped off the map lately, and now I know why. You've been cozying up with the angel that double-crossed Crowley. I'm getting a promotion for this. He's been looking for Castiel for a while now. He knew he wasn't really dead, and he was right. The king is a genius."
"And yet he hired a dumbass like you," Dean said, reaching into his pocket for the demon knife. "I think that's some pretty crappy judgment." He brought out the knife and tossed it from hand to hand. "Get in the car, Alfie."
The demon laughed as Alfie finally obeyed. "I'll be right with you, Grandpa," he called after him. "I'll just deal with the Winchester first. I'm not allowed to kill him, but there's no rule against me pounding him into the ground, and I have free rein to kill someone like you."
Feigning fear, Dean stepped back again and when the demon came at him, wide smile in place and fisted hands ready for the attack, he rocked forward and jabbed up with the knife. It slipped between the demon's ribs into his heart. His red eyes widened and moment before he dropped down dead.
Dean rushed around to the side of the car and threw himself in. "Drive," he said quickly. "Go steady. Don't draw attention to us."
Alfie obeyed in silence, clearly in shock.
Dean felt no remorse for killing the demon, but he felt incredible guilt for the fact Alfie had witnessed it. Alfie thought he had been a good man, and Dean had just shown him the truth.
Dean wasn't just his friend or a brother. He was a hunter, too, and that made him a killer.
So… Alfie just had the truth slammed in his face. I didn't originally plan to bring danger to Alfie and Elsie, but when the story took this direction, I ran with it.
I know in canon Emmanuel said he could heal spiritual problems, too, but I tweaked it this time.
Until next time…
Clowns or Midgets xxx