My darling Molly
It feels so good to be able to say your name Molly, even if it's only written here. Not Medic or Dawes or Dawsey, although I do find that one rather cute.
I've been whispering your name to myself for a long time now. I almost screamed it out loud when you went after Smurf in that minefield, especially when you managed to nearly blow yourself to kingdom come in the process. I have never been that much in awe of someone as I was of you that day. You were fucking awesome!
You will receive this letter this letter if my mantra "stay focussed, stay alert, stay alive" has failed me. My only hope and prayer is that you haven't been caught up in my failure and you are still alive, that is very important to me, you are very important to me.
I realised I had to write this letter to you after happened in your tent. You've left on R and R, the sound of your helio has faded into the distance. I don't look forward to the days ahead without you here. Besides you being "the nuts" when it comes to treating my blisters, Molly you've crept into my heart and mind on this tour and pitched your tent there.
Not something that I would ever thought could happen, that I would fall in love with anyone, let alone with the mouthy replacement medic for the Under 5s. My first impression of you at Brize told me that you would be the bad apple this tour.
My god, Molly, the way you looked at me with gorgeous eyes after I had completely put you down in front of everyone. My heart stopped and I found it hard to breathe let alone concentrate. I knew then that my life had been changed but I also knew that nothing could happen between us even if you had feelings for me.
Those moments in the tent will keep me going until you come back to me. You said you will, I should have made you promise me. When I held your arm to write my request it was small sparks of electricity ran right through my body.
Your skin was so soft, I couldn't believe that anything out here in the dirt, heat and dry could be so soft and perfect. Only you, Molly Dawes, could possibly be that one thing. I got to hold your hand. It must have shocked you when my large, roughed hand held your small, delicate one.
I can still smell your shampoo. I shall always things always think of you when I smell peaches. How lucky was I to catch you after your shower, with your hair still dripping. I couldn't believe my luck finding you in your PT short shorts, with your tanned legs on display and tank top, showing inches of your cool, fresh skin.
I can finally say how I really feel about Private Molly Dawes, but I'm not actually here to say it. Shit Molly, I'm sorry! I'm being so selfish telling you, especially if you don't feel the same way. Lady Luck has a really twisted sense of humour.
Molly, I love you! You are the complete package- wickedly smart (mouth as well), tough, courageous, great sense of humour, compassionate plus you are absolutely gorgeous, even wearing you fatigues. Better in your shorts and tank top but I'd get nothing done if you wore that all the time.
You have no idea how many times I've had to put my hands in my pockets to stop from touching you. To catch a tendril of your hair and curl it around my finger, to stare into the depths of your eyes or kiss your sweet, soft lips. I'm going to do all those things, and much more, when we get home from this tour. And if I'm not there at the end, know that when the breeze gently blows your hair or touches your cheek, that's me reaching out to you.
Molly, I have watched you blossom on this tour and you need to promise me that you will be brilliant especially if I'm not there anymore. Go on to be the best version of yourself. I know you can do it, I believe in you!
There are some things I need to tell you Molly (I'm smiling again as I write your name)
I love you!
At home, I have an ex-wife. Her name is Rebecca. Our marriage has been over for quite some time but the divorce has been finalised while I'm on this tour. She has never understood my need to be on tour. You are everything she is not- beautiful, brave, kind, loving, smart, loyal, outspoken and infuriating- the list could go on. I am so grateful that I got to love you, even if it was from a distance.
Be brilliant!
If you're not running away, although knowing you, you are running flat out towards the danger, I have a son, Sam. He's part of my life, the one and only good thing to come out of my marriage to Rebecca. I think you would love him, Molly. He is the very best parts of me, I think.
I'll ask you here, Molly :-) not to hate me for not telling you earlier but I just couldn't find the right time or words to tell you.
I'd also ask that you to visit Sam, once if you can, and tell him that you knew me and that you loved me (if you do) and that despite where we were and what was happening around us, I was happy when I was with you. Although not when you were disobeying orders and putting yourself at risk!
The other thing I need to tell you is, my first name is Charles. And I expect that you call me that from now on when you talk about me, not to 2 section but everyone else in your life. You wouldn't be calling me Sir or Bossman if we make it home together so if you go home alone don't call me those things when you talk about me or remember me.
Given how we met I would say that Lady Luck was smiling on me when she sent you as my replacement. But she is, using a phrase you will understand, a right bloody cow for what she has done to us now. Taken the chance for us to be happy together away from us. I love you Molly, my Molly.
Yours for always
Charles
Author's Notes
Thank you to everyone who has read all of these "Letters". And to my reviewers…much love!
To those who are wondering, I've never received a letter "from beyond the grave" nor have I had to write one to my loved ones. Thankfully, in both cases.
This last letter, for whatever reason, was the hardest one to write. The others seem to just flow out of my pen, well pencil actually. This one resisted so it will be the last one in this "Our Girl" story.
To my source of information on things military- thank you! If I've dragged up unpleasant memories by asking the questions, I'm sorry. And I love you.
Suze21