A/N: Hello good folks, I've been away for a while, combination of work and holidays.

Here's the next chapter and I hope you like it but it gets a bit dark towards the end.

As ever let me know what you think and I'll try to bring the happier times back soon.

You guys are brilliant and I realy appreciate all of your reviews.

Katie

I sat in front of the mirror waiting for the straighteners to beep. Absentmindedly I picked up my phone and checked for messages. I'd texted Cook earlier to see how he was but also to find out if he'd heard from Naomi. It'd been over two weeks since she found out about Danny and the fact Cook knew, she'd refused to speak to anyone since from what I could gather.

Cook was devastated, I don't think they'd ever really fallen out before. Sure they argued but I got the impression it always blew over quickly. His usual tactic of profusely apologising, regardless of whether he knew what he'd done to upset Naomi, wasn't going to work this time because she wouldn't see him let alone talk to him.

There was also something going on with Effy but Cook was pretty tight lipped about it and hastily changed the subject any time I asked after her. I mean I know after what happened with Freddie we were never going to be that close but we'd sort of developed a grudging tolerance of each other. Besides I could see Cook was worried and although I'd strenuously deny it if asked I suppose I'd become quite, hmmm, fond of him I guess you'd call it so I didn't like seeing him upset.

What? I'm not a totally heartless bitch you know, well not all the time anyway.

There was a beep and I began straightening my hair. Obviously, my main concern at the moment was Emily, I'd never seen her like this before. Outwardly she was acting like nothing had happened and was carrying on with her daily routine as normal, but I could tell she was only just hanging in there.

Normally we'd have sat down with a few bottles of wine, she'd have told me all about what happened and then she'd have a good cry. I'd do the whole comfort that turned into outrage thing at the bitch who'd dared to hurt my sister and offer to beat the living fuck out of whoever she was. It was what we did, it was a tried and tested path. Except this time it wasn't, this time Emily said she didn't want to talk about it, that she understood why Naomi hated her and that she didn't blame the blonde for reacting the way she did.

I'd even tried a change of tactics, urging Emily to contact her and force her to listen but Em refused. Her reasoning was that Naomi was emphatic, she really didn't want to see Emily ever again so why keep pouring salt into the wounds by attempting to contact someone who'd made it very clear it was over. The only slight concession she'd made was when I persuaded her to write Naomi a letter, it was old fashioned but it wasn't as in your face as turning up to speak to her nor as impersonal as an email. But the blonde hadn't even acknowledged she'd got it and there was certainly no reply.

I hated seeing Emily so down, it was like she'd given up without really trying, it just wasn't the Fitch way. She forced herself to be bright and cheerful in front of Danny but I could tell he knew something was wrong. Even at his birthday party last weekend I could see him glancing nervously at Em from time to time. I know she noticed as well because she kept smiling at him and telling him to go and have a good time with his friends. As usual, Mum and Dad had gone a bit over board and the whole place resembled a mini fairground, but hey it was a great way to get cool points with your mates when you were seven.

There was a gentle knock at the door and I looked over to find Danny standing unsurely, "Come in sweetheart."

He glanced from side to side and closed the door after him before he sat on the bed. I waited patiently for him to speak, "Your hair looks nice."

I smiled, he was already a little charmer, "Thank you, I'm going out later."

"With that chef man?" he asked.

I laughed, "His name's Cook Dan Dan, it's not his job."

He frowned, "Oh I thought he was like Brendon at Grandma's. Cook's a weird name."

"It's his surname, his proper name is James but he doesn't like being called that, it usually means he's in trouble." I explained.

Danny nodded in understanding, "Like when Mummy calls me Daniel Jonah."

I smiled wryly, "which seems to happening more and more as you get older. But that wasn't what you wanted to talk about was it?"

He shook his head and sighed, "Why is Mummy sad?"

"How do you know she's sad?" I asked gently.

He fidgeted, "I just know."

God, he was so like Emily sometimes, she was always rubbish at hiding things, ironic really the reason she was unhappy was she'd actually managed to do it for once.

"What is it precious? You can tell me anything, you know that." I pushed.

Danny looked up, "I got up to have a wee wee in the night and when I went past Mummy's door I heard her crying. I couldn't stop because I was bursting."

I went over to the bed and hugged him, "Oh sweetheart. Mummy made a new friend..."

"What a special friend, like me and Ellie?" he interrupted.

I nodded, "Yes, a special friend but they had an argument and Mummy's upset because they're not talking any more."

"What did they fight about?" he questioned.

I paused slightly, we were always trying to tell Danny lying was wrong so I doubt Em would thank me, "Er, it doesn't matter."

He frowned, "yes it does, I wouldn't have asked if it didn't matter."

I could see the way the conversation was headed, much as I loved my nephew, he was like a miniature Jeremy Paxman at times, once he got hold of something he'd keep needling away until he got an answer he was happy with. Emily always said it served me right because I was the same, but I'm sure I was never this annoying. Personally, I blamed JJ because Danny had clearly inherited his logical streak.

"Auntie Katie, I'm waiting." he said exasperatedly.

See what I mean? "Look Danny, Mummy kept something a secret from her friend and when she found out she was cross."

His eyes widened, "Mummy told a lie?"

Oh fuck, now I was in trouble, "Not exactly, she just didn't tell the whole truth."

He jumped off the bed, "I'll ask her myself."

Em was going to kill me, "Danny, wait, I'm not sure that's a good idea."

I followed him downstairs just as he cornered Emily in the kitchen, "Hello handsome..."

"Mummy, lies are wrong aren't they?" he started.

Emily looked puzzled, "Yes Danny, I've always taught you that."

He folded his arms, "So why did you lie to your friend?"

There it was, the death stare.

"He asked why you were sad, what was I supposed to say?" I said feebly.

Emily's face softened as she turned back to Danny, "I don't know sweetheart, it was wrong and I shouldn't have done it."

"And now your friend's cross, which is why you're sad?" he asked.

Emily nodded gravely, "Yes, she's very cross and I don't blame her. Which just goes to prove why lying is never a good thing. "

Danny took her hand, "I'll be your friend."

"Thank you." she said with a smile.

"But I can't be your best friend because Ellie's mine so I have to be hers." Danny clarified.

Emily shook her head and laughed, "I'll settle for just being a normal friend. Now why don't you go and play while I have a quick word with Auntie Katie."

Danny looked between us both and pulled a face, "uh oh, this is a Daniel Jonah time."

I scowled at him as he ran off before I turned back to my twin, who had a face like stone, "Well Katherine, care to explain why my son is asking questions about Naomi?"

Yup, there it was, I'd been full named, "Danny heard you crying last night and he wanted to know why you were upset."

Emily's face fell, "He heard me? I thought I'd been so careful."

I looked sceptical, "Em, even before that he could tell you weren't ok."

Her hand came up, "please Katie, I've already said I don't want to talk about it."

"But I'm worried about you babes, it won't do you any good bottling everything up." I state gently.

Emily's lip began to wobble before she took a deep breath and steadied herself, "listen K, I fucked up spectacularly. Naomi trusted me and I lied to her. Not only that I made her friends lie on my behalf and I wasn't even the one to tell her the truth in the end, that fell to my ex-girlfriend, who also happens to be her boss."

"I know but..." I start.

Emily shook her head, "There is no but Katie, what I did was despicable and I don't blame Naomi for hating me, if I were in her position, I'd find it hard to forgive as well."

"Maybe, but I know you and you'd at least give her a chance to explain." I argued.

"What's to explain Katie?" she exploded, "there is no justification, well not one that doesn't make me seem dishonest and selfish. I was in love, I'd finally met someone who fucking blew me away and I didn't want to spoil it. It makes things worse not better Katie."

I hugged her as the tears started to fall, "Oh babe, there must be something you can do?"

I felt her shake her head, "There isn't, the letter was my only real hope that she might listen but it didn't work. I just have to face facts, no matter how much it hurts, Naomi never wants to speak to me again.

She pulled away and wiped her eyes, "Honestly, there's no point in me trying and making her hate me even more."

I sighed, "Ok, if you're sure?"

She nodded, "I've lost her."

"I've got to go out, I said I'd meet Cook. You'll be ok?" I asked.

She motioned towards the lounge where I could hear Danny on the Wii, "Thanks to you, I have a feeling I'm going to be facing lots of questions this afternoon."

I shrugged, "Sorry."

"It's ok, I can hardly tell him it's wrong to lie and then not be honest can I? Say hi to Cook, well if he can stand to hear my name mentioned that is." Emily said with a sigh.

"Will do, see you later, well probably tomorrow." I said with a grin.

Emily rolled her eyes, "At least one of us is getting some."

I picked up my keys from the hall and the smile left my face as I closed the front door behind me. I reached into my bag for my phone and dialled the number. A sleepy voice greeted me.

"Cook it's me."

"No I'm still coming over, but I need a favour first..."

Maybe there wasn't anything Emily could do, but that didn't mean I couldn't have a bloody good try.

Naomi

What the fuck was that awful banging noise? As I gradually woke up I realised it was the sound of my head thumping. I groaned and rolled over only to come face to face with an empty vodka bottle, yep that might explain the sweating, the mouth like the bottom of a parrot's cage and the fact I was still dressed in yesterday's clothes.

I hastily rolled away as I wasn't sure my delicate state could stomach the alcohol fumes. I heard a squelching noise and slowly sat up before I reached around my back. My hand connected with some thing gooey and I slowly peeled a squashed slice of pizza from my t-shirt. I flung it back in the box and threw it to the floor. Jesus I felt like shit and let's face it falling asleep on top of a pizza wasn't exactly my finest moment. I don't even remember ordering it so God only knows what state I was in when it was delivered.

Bollocks, this meant I had no choice but to change my shirt, I didn't want the bedclothes to get covered in sauce, if I was going to wallow all day, I wanted a nice environment to get slowly pissed in. I got up and pulled my t-shirt over my head before I let it drop to the floor. I scanned around and picked up a potential candidate. I did the sniff test, bit musty but it'd do. I put it on and flopped back into bed, tucking the duvet around me.

Welcome to my extraordinarily shite life, I went to work, glared at that cunt all day, then came home, got totally off my tits before I collapsed unconscious onto my bed until morning when I got up to do it all again. It was like the worst version of Groundhog day, ever.

Weekends were slightly better because I didn't need to get up at all, except to get more vodka or use the bathroom. I didn't have to shower or get changed if I didn't want to, which I didn't. But most importantly I didn't need to pretend to be civil to the bitch that ruined my life.

Fucking Mandy, if I thought I hated her before it was nothing compared to how much I despised her now. I'd sit in the office as increasingly elaborate fantasies of ingenious ways to torture, maim and kill her spun around my head. Every time she asked me to photocopy something I'd visualise repeatedly slamming her head against the glass. While I sat stapling I'd picture sending the staples like missiles into her body. As I typed things up for her every time my finger stabbed into the keyboard I imagined it was a knife spearing into her body.

Alright, you get the idea, so possibly I had some anger management issues and maybe I was shooting the messenger. But it was easier to direct my hatred towards Mandy, someone I didn't give a fuck about, than to direct it towards the three people I did, that would just lead to untold pain and I wasn't sure I could cope with it.

The trouble was Mandy was so bloody stupid she misinterpreted my intense glares as a sign of simmering lust. I mean the daft bitch hadn't even worked out that Emily and I were together, not even after she followed me from the bar that night. Mandy still believed Emer was real but she'd noticed my increasingly obvious brooding so one evening she'd forced me to go out for a drink with her under the guise of work. She asked me directly if Emer and I were having problems, I laughed bitterly and said something like that. She rubbed my thigh and asked if there was anything she could do to help.

She said it with a raised eyebrow and a wink so I knew I hadn't misunderstood what she was suggesting. Now don't judge me too harshly, I was drunk and upset ok? I'm seriously ashamed to admit it but I actually considered her offer, only for about a nanosecond but a tiny bit of me wanted to do it just to get back at Emily. Then thank Christ I came to my senses and I politely but firmly declined. Ugh, that would have definitely been a case of cutting my nose off to spite my face not to mention a deeply unpleasant, but no doubt memorable for the wrong reasons, experience. After that I kept things very distant while still maintaining just enough professionalism so she couldn't complain.

In a lot of ways I was glad I had work to throw myself into because I had fuck all else in my life. Since that night I hadn't spoken to Cook or Effy. They'd both repeatedly tried calling me but I always declined. They'd come round the house too and I'd hear hushed voices downstairs before Mum would try to get me out of my room. I always point blank refused.

I hadn't said more than a few cursory words to Mum either and she knew better than to ask but I'm sure the pair of them had filled her in. On the rare occasions I did go downstairs I'd catch her looking sadly at me and I could tell she was a hair's breadth away of offering me tea and sympathy. I didn't want her pity or her understanding. All I wanted was vodka and to be left alone, free to cry, listen to depressing music or just lament how God damn unfair life was.

And of course finally there was Emily. I tried not to think about her much because every time I did my reaction was extreme in some form or another. Sometimes I'd be overcome with such sadness and I'd spiral into despair over the way she'd lied to me. Other times I was filled with burning anger and I'd convince myself I hated the bitch. Sometimes I just felt totally humiliated and stupid I hadn't seen what was going on right under my nose. But regardless of how I reacted I'd always end up the same, feeling numb and desperately lonely. I'd loved her and finally trusted someone, only to have it all explode in my face.

I screwed my eyes shut as Mum strode through the door, fucking cheek, this was my room, she didn't even knock. She threw open the curtains and picked up some of my clothes.

"You've got a visitor." she informed me tersely.

"For fuck's sake what part of 'leave me alone' does everyone find it so hard to understand? Get rid of them," I muttered as I covered my head with the duvet.

The quilt was pulled off me, "No Naomi, you get rid of them if you don't want to see them."

I started to protest, "but Mum..."

She shook her head, "I'm not going to keep doing your dirty work for you Naomi, you always accuse me of treating you like a child so this time you can act like a grown woman and fight your own battles. Effy and Cook told me what happened and I understand why you might be upset but I don't think this is the most mature way to handle it. I can't stop you sulking in bed all day but I don't bloody well have to help you either."

I scowled at her after her outburst and reluctantly got out of bed, I mean was it too much to ask that my own mother might be even the tiniest bit sympathetic? As for me 'sulking', how fucking ridiculous, I don't sulk and even if I did, which I think we've established I don't, I wasn't sulking now, I was wounded. Honestly, reducing this to something as childish as sulking, the cheeky cow.

"I'm not sulking, I'm hurt, deeply, deeply hurt because everyone I trusted has betrayed me in some way. And now you're doing the same." I said with a pout.

Mum paused, "Naomi, we both know that's not true. I'd have been happy to talk about it anytime, but you shut yourself away."

"I don't want to discuss anything, I just want to forget it all happened." I whined.

"This is typical of you Naomi, run away and bury your head in the sand. As usual it won't do you any good and in the end you'll be the one who ends up bitter and resentful." she replied with a resigned sigh.

I sneered, "Well, I don't have much choice about facing up to things do I? Because someone won't do me a small favour and tell whoever's here to piss off."

I huffily exited the room and made my way downstairs muttering under my breath. I tried out a few phrases of outrage in preparation for greeting either Effy or Cook, by far the most prominent was a simple 'fuck right off you cunt'. I entered the kitchen ready to start shouting and my breath caught as I saw who was sitting at the table. In spite of myself I couldn't stop my heart racing or the fluttering sensation as my stomach flipped.

She stared directly at me, "Don't get too excited, it's Katie."

I scoffed, "I'd hardly call that getting excited. What do you want?"

"To talk to you." she replied.

I shook my head, "Nothing to say, you know where the door is."

She refused to budge, "Naomi just give me five minutes yeah?"

"I'm busy." I responded as I sat down.

Katie gave a snort of derision, "Busy doing what? Working on perfecting the descent into alcoholism by the stench."

"Excuse me? How fucking dare you waltz in to my house and then insult me. Get out." I said sharply pointing at the door.

Her demeanour changed, "Look, I'm sorry, I guess we all have different ways of coping, I had no right to judge you for letting yourself go."

My eyes narrowed, "Seriously skating on thin ice Katie..."

She took a deep breath, "I'm not great at stuff like this, so I'll start again. I wanted to talk to you about Emily."

We both noticed my slight flinch when her name was mentioned, "Did she send you round?"

Katie shook her head, "No, she hasn't got a clue I'm here."

I rolled my eyes, "Yeah right."

"Seriously Naomi, Em would probably go ballistic if she knew, please believe me." Katie confirmed.

"Why should I? You're family doesn't exactly have a great track record when it comes to telling the truth now does it?" alright so it was a bit of a low blow but I couldn't help it.

Katie sighed, "fine, think what you like, but I'm not here because Emily asked me to come, I'm here because she's upset and I don't like her seeing her so unhappy."

I shrugged, "She should have thought of that before she made a complete fool of me."

"Naomi, Emily is really sorry for not telling you about Danny sooner..." she started.

"Oh that's alright then, you know if she's sorry, tell her all is forgiven." I said sarcastically.

Katie tutted exasperatedly, "I understand how you feel Naomi."

"Oh really? So you found out someone you were dating had a secret kid? That they got your mates to lie on their behalf? That they didn't even have the decency to tell you themselves but let someone else reveal all in a bar, in bloody public Katie, when you were just getting over the shock of finding out the woman who makes your life a daily misery just happens to be their ex?" my voice began to raise.

"Well no..." Katie said unsurely.

I sneered, "Then I really don't think you do know how I feel Katie, you can't possibly have the first clue how upset I am, how betrayed I feel or how humiliating it was to find out like that."

"Emily did want to be the one to tell you, she'd already said she wanted to talk to you about something and she was going to tell you that night." Katie reasoned.

"I don't fucking believe this. When Emily said she wanted to talk to me I thought it was going to be something like..." I paused, actually I didn't have a clue what I thought it was about, well alright I'd kind of hoped it might have been sex related. "It doesn't matter what I thought, the fact was that never in a million years did I expect it to be something so huge."

Katie nodded, "I know that and so does Emily, she totally understands how much she hurt you. Naomi, no matter how much you think you hate her, she hates herself more."

My shoulders sagged, I don't want her to hate herself, that's my job, "So why did she lie?"

Katie shrugged, "Only Em can tell you that, but I know she's desperately sorry."

"Not good enough Katiekins, I trusted her, I fell in love with her and it meant nothing, you must know why." I stated.

Katie shrugged, "It didn't mean nothing. The Emily you fell in love with is still there, she's still the same person."

I shook my head, "No she isn't, the Emily I fell in love with didn't have a fucking child who she kept from me."

Her eyebrow raised, "How would you have reacted?"

"Sorry?" I asked.

Katie stared at me, "Well you could be pretty possessive, Emily told me you'd put off letting her meet your Mum because you wanted to keep her to yourself for a bit longer."

There goes that fucking twins telling each other everything shit again, "All I meant was I was enjoying us spending time together, alone, getting to know each other."

The higher arch of the eyebrow told me she wasn't entirely convinced, "So how would you have reacted if you found out from Emily about Danny? If you knew that there was someone else who is a big part of her life, that you'd never have her totally to yourself?"

It was a fair question I supposed and it wasn't like I hadn't contemplated it myself. I didn't know how I'd feel, Katie was right I could be a bit jealous and possessive at times. I'd found it easier to focus on the fact I was upset because I'd been lied to, mainly because I wasn't sure I'd like the conclusion I reached if I ever really thought about the implications of Emily being a Mum.

I bristled, "I'd have been ok with it. I mean, I might not have exactly liked it but I'd have to accept it."

Katie sighed, "Accepting it isn't enough, Danny is her world, she won't do anything if it makes him unhappy."

"But she lied.." I state lamely trying to move the subject back to ground where I felt surer I was the one who'd been wronged.

Katie looked me straight in the eye, "Emily is the most amazing person I know, she got pregnant the only time she slept with a bloke, and it was a favour to her, quite frankly, freak of a best friend. She missed out on uni, and I got to go, let's face it we both know it should have been Em there and not me. I got some mediocre degree in events management and hospitality, Emily wanted to be a doctor, to make a difference and she's so fucking clever she would have done it."

I don't doubt it for a second, I can imagine Emily as a doctor, her caring nature would easily put people at their ease even if she had to give them bad news. Katie's information also explained why Emily always hastily changed the topic when I suggested she could always go to uni as a mature student. Well that and the fact it's hard to attend lectures when you've got the fucking school run to sort out. My resolve hardened again.

"So she was a widow at 18." she continued.

"She was fucking MARRIED?" I stated.

Katie looked sheepish, "guess you didn't know that either?"

I rubbed my temples, "No I didn't, she married JJ?"

Katie nodded, "when they found out JJ was ill they got married to make it easier for Dan, more legal."

I understood that, it makes it hell of a lot less complicated.

Katie sensed my undulating opinion so she continued, "The fact that she started up a business, one that's immensely successful is a testament to how bloody brilliant she is. And she did it all while raising a child who, even though I'm related to him, is totally adorable. She gave up everything Naomi, when all her friends were out getting off their tits she was at home, being a parent, a single parent. I don't expect you to understand, but she is the person you fell in love with. She is fucking superb."

I shook my head, "I can't.."

Even to me it sounds hollow.

"Yes you fucking can, she loves you and I know you love her too." Katie stated.

She sounded so sure, so confident in her assertion, "You can't possibly know that..."

Katie interrupted, "If you didn't you wouldn't be so upset, I saw your face Naomi when you thought it was her sitting here, your disappointment when you realised it was me, the way you flinched the first time I said her name."

For fuck's sake, it was bad enough that Effy could read me like a book, but now Katie was at it too, "I can't still love her, there's a massive part of her I don't even know..."

"Then try, Naomi I wouldn't ever do this for anyone apart from Em, but I will because I hope you understand how important this is. I am begging you to at least to speak to her, I'm not asking you to run into her arms but just speak to her, please." Katie pleaded.

Fucking hell, Katie Fitch was begging me, and I know how hard that must have been, even in the short time I'd known her I knew she wasn't the type of person to do something like that.

I rubbed my temples, "If I say I'll think about it will you fuck off?"

She nodded, "yes."

"Ok, fine, I'll think about it." I responded.

Her eyes narrowed, "really consider it?"

I sighed exasperatedly, "Yes."

"That's all I was asking." she replied.

"That's all you're getting." I shot back.

She sighed, "Actually there was something else..."

I glared at her, "What now?"

"Cook gave me a message. He said 'Effy's in a bad way, it's started again, only it feels worse.' he said you'd know what that meant." she stated.

I frowned, Jesus I hoped not. I showed Katie to the door, "I wish I could say nice to see you, but I'd be lying and therefore a hypocrite."

She paused, "Naomi, Emily gave you a second chance, all I'm asking is that you do the same for her."

"Fuck off Katie, I hardly think me running away after we kissed and Emily hiding the fact she had a child is the same thing." I snapped.

Katie stared, "I'm not saying it is, but in spite of my protestations she did give you a chance and you proved me wrong, you we're the annoyingly perfect girlfriend after that. I don't think you're the type of person to give up on something that felt so right, please don't prove me wrong again Naomi."

I nodded, "Like I said, I'll think about it."

I closed the door behind her, my head was swimming with all the things Katie said, I quickly ascended the stairs and went into the bathroom. I turned the shower on and got undressed before getting in. I relaxed slightly as the water pulsed against my skin but my thoughts were still in turmoil, there were so many choices I had to make, what if I got them wrong? What if I ended up getting hurt even more? By the time I got out of the shower I knew clearly what I had to do next. I was grateful Mum had left my bedroom and so I could get dressed in peace, I rolled my eyes slightly at the pile of clean clothes she'd also deposited on the end of my bed but I was thankful for that too really. I pulled on a pair of jeans and a shirt before running downstairs, I grabbed my keys and wallet before I shouted I had to go out.

I caught the bus and before long I found myself standing in front of a door. I knocked insistently until a pale woman opened it.

"Hello stranger, come on in." she said with a weak smile.

I kissed her cheek, "Hey Anthea, is she here?"

Effy's Mum nodded, "hardly come out of her room for five days."

Shit, this wasn't good, "How bad is it?"

She looked away, "Almost as bad as the first time."

"Oh fuck." I said in understatement.

Anthea sighed, "She won't talk to me, maybe you can try?"

"Where's Jim?" I said looking around.

She coughed, "He had to go away on business. Look Naomi I need to go out, can you stay with her?"

I nodded, "Of course, when will you be back?"

She reddened, "I'm not sure, probably tomorrow, is that ok?"

Again I nodded and she looked relieved. I watched as she picked up an overnight bag, before she left she turned back, "If you do get through to her can you tell her I'm sorry?"

"I'll tell her, have a good time." I finished as Anthea smiled wanly at me as she closed the door.

I took a deep breath and made my way upstairs, I paused outside Effy's room and mentally prepared myself for the scene I was about to find. I really hoped both Cook and Anthea were wrong and it wasn't as bad as they thought but I steeled myself because I had a horrible feeling they'd actually been trying to soften the blow.

Effy

I tried and failed to lift my head from the pillow, I was sure I'd heard the door go but whoever was there had obviously fucked off. Good thing too, if it was anyone for me it would only be Cook and I couldn't face his worried glances at the moment. Being honest I couldn't face much at all apart from the comfort of my bed, although after being in it for five days straight calling it comforting was becoming a stretch. In some ways the stale, sweaty smell reassured me I was still alive, the trouble was I wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad thing.

My psychiatrist had tried to tell me I shouldn't feel things so much, that I needed to control my emotions more, shows what a fucking useless cunt John Foster was. I was Effy Stonem, tapping into people's feelings, noticing things other people either couldn't or wouldn't was what I did, nowadays it was what my employer paid me for, if I didn't have that then what was I? In a word, nothing.

The downside of being so intuitive and not being able to switch it off was that sometimes it meant I couldn't stop the dark thoughts from bubbling into my consciousness. The deep rooted ones that seemed to just be there within every fibre of my being, always waiting for the right time to resurface. They were the ones that told me I was nothing, I didn't matter at all, if I disappeared off the face of the earth it would barely cause a ripple in anyone else's life, in fact they'd be relieved, the ones that spoke to me and asked what right did I think I had to exist, so why didn't I do everyone a favour and vanish.

Most of the time I kept them at bay, most of the time I resembled someone who was maybe not exactly happy but was at least contented enough with life. But sometimes I just didn't have the energy to fight them off. The first time I had what my parents described in their own special, not giving a fuck way, as 'an episode' was when I was 17 and Dad found out Mum was screwing his boss. I had collapsed into a pit of depression that ended with me trying to slash my wrists, Cook found me slumped on the bathroom floor, blood everywhere and to this day I'm not sure the horror has ever left him.

I was sectioned and sent to a clinic to recover, that's where John Foster came into my life. At first I thought he was genuinely trying to help me, even when Naomi and Cook told me they found him creepy and that he'd all but threatened them to leave me alone to recover in peace I didn't listen. In hindsight I should have, the guy became obsessed and tried to cut me off from everyone who cared about me. He convinced himself that we were meant to be together and practically brainwashed me into believing it too. It wasn't until I unexpectedly came round during a hypnotherapy session I realised what a bastard he was.

At first when I woke I couldn't work out what was going on. My skirt was hitched up around my waist and as my eyes adjusted to the darkened room I realised Foster was sitting on the therapy couch. That's when I felt his hand rubbing against me as he panted away. I was pretty drugged up most of the time so I found it hard to move, but I tried, I really tried honestly. In my head I was screaming no at him but my body refused to respond. He kept muttering things which I couldn't hear but then he started to tremble and I understood what he was doing to himself so I was glad his comments weren't audible. I've never felt so ashamed as I lay motionless when he finally came into what must have been a specially prepared pile of tissues. The cunt had really thought of everything.

Afterwards he calmly removed his hand, did his trousers back up and pulled down my skirt. I kept my eyes shut as he kissed me and told me we'd made progress, soon I'd be ready for him to put his fingers inside me and after that we could make love properly. I felt sick but I was too afraid to move as I heard him wash his hands and sit back down in the chair opposite me. He then brought me out of my 'trance' and when I opened my eyes I found him smiling serenely at me like nothing had happened. He even had the temerity to repeat we'd made real progress today. I left the room in a daze and knew I had to call Naomi and Cook as soon as I could.

They both rushed over and refused to go away when Foster tried to stop them seeing me. Eventually they threatened to get the clinic's chief executive and so he relented. When I told them what had happened they were both horrified. Cook wanted to confront Foster straight away, he kept repeating he was going to fucking kill him but Naomi was more measured, in fact her calmness was a bit scary. She told Cook to back off and said the most important thing was to get me out of here. They gathered my things and we made our way to the reception. I stood with Cook's arms wrapped around me as Naomi patiently explained that we were leaving, in spite of the protestations of the nurses she stuck to her guns and before long we were back at hers. Gina took one look and ushered us inside.

I slept for what felt like days but every time I woke up I'd be greeted by a pair of concerned blue eyes asking me if I was ok and could she do anything? Naomi saved me.

A few months later I picked up the local newspaper and read about a break in at Foster's house, the burglars didn't take much but apparently he'd interrupted them so they beat him half to death with a baseball bat he had lying around. Cook said it was what he deserved, I distinctly remember Naomi saying it was karma. I'd asked them outright if it was them, something they both strenuously denied. It was a few weeks later when I was feeling better that I saw Cook talking to one of the bouncers at a club. Cook handed over a load of cash and slapped the bloke on the shoulder telling him he owed him one. They could see I was worried but Cook had given me his cheeky smile and said it was just about getting drugs. I knew they were lying but they refused to admit anything, all Naomi said mysteriously was what goes around, comes around.

We'd rarely spoken about it since, the only time it was mentioned was one night when we were off our tits. I was raking over old ground when Cook gripped me in a bear hug and told me to let it go. I protested that I didn't want either him or Naomi to get into trouble because of me, she'd stared directly at me and said they would do anything to make sure I was safe. Cook had added, not so subtly, that no one could prove anything. We collapsed laughing after that as Naomi elbowed him in the ribs and called him a stupid, indiscreet prick.

I sighed as the door opened a fraction, "Mum, it's fine, I just want you to fuck off and leave me alone."

The door opened wider, "Hey, it's me."

I retreated further into the duvet, "You can fuck off too."

In spite of my request Naomi walked into the room. She opened the curtains and started to tidy up, "It's a lovely day, shame to miss it. I thought we could go for a walk around the garden or something."

"Seriously Naomi, fuck off and leave me be." I said wearily.

She tutted, "Can't do that Eff."

I snorted, "So why haven't I seen you for over two weeks?"

I heard her sigh, "Look, I was really hurt by your actions and I'm sure you thought it was the right thing to do but finding out all of those things in one night was awful. I felt so let down."

She sat down on the bed before she continued, "On reflection I might have over reacted a bit but it's ok, I've thought about everything and I forgive you."

Her words were like a red rag to a bull, she forgave me? I felt a searing anger spread throughout my body.

"Oh how very generous of you. You forgive me? Well that's ok then. The great Naomi Campbell has decided that we're friends again and all is right with the fucked up world." I spat at her.

She recoiled, "All I'm saying is..."

I twisted around, "What Naomi? What are you saying? It's always the same with you. Everything is always on your terms, what about me? When do I get to have a say in our pathetically one sided friendship?"

She frowned, "It's not one sided..."

I snorted, "Yes it is, why did you come around? To ask advice about what you should do about Emily? That's it, Effy will listen and tell me what to do, I'm sick of it, sick of it all, grow the fuck up and make your own decisions. You're like a fucking leech."

"I'm sorry..." she uttered but I was on a roll.

"You're sorry? You forgive me? Well you know what Naomi, I don't forgive you. Where were you when I was feeling helpless and alone? Where the fuck were you when Dad found out Mum was having another affair? Where could I go when they were screaming at each other? What was I supposed to do when he walked out, probably for good this time?" I stated as I started to cry.

"I didn't know..." Naomi began.

"No you didn't, you never do, you left me to fend for myself when everything is so shit and I had no one to turn to." I state through my sobs.

"You had Cook..." she countered lamely.

"Cook? We both know he hates seeing me like this, he doesn't know what to do and fumbles around like a lost little boy. You Naomi, you know what to do, but you fucked off. So I don't forgive you Naomi because you took away your friendship without asking." I shouted at her.

I struggled as she wrapped her arms around me and gripped me tightly while whispering she was sorry over and over. I pounded my fists against her and she took it all until I ran out of energy. She realised I was finished so she pulled away and gently wiped the tears from my face. Naomi leaned in and kissed me softly on the lips, it was tender and it wasn't anything sexual, it was all about comfort.

We broke apart again and her concerned gaze met mine, "I had no idea..."

I looked away, "I know."

She rubbed my arms and I inhaled sharply, I tried to move away but she was too quick, she grabbed one of my sleeves and pushed it up to reveal a series of cuts, "Oh Eff..."

"It's nothing..." I said quietly.

"How many times?" she asked.

I shrugged, "A few."

She glanced at my wrists, "But you haven't tried..."

I shook my head, "Just the cuts."

She stroked my face, "You should shower and then I'll make you something to eat."

"I'm not hungry," I protested weakly.

She led me into the bathroom and turned on the shower, she gently undressed me and l got under the spray, I washed as Naomi sat watch over me. When I was finished she wrapped me in a fluffy towel and sat me down. She dried me, patting my skin so she didn't hurt me.

She looked in the cabinet and found some antiseptic cream. "this might sting ok?"

I nodded and tried not to grimace as she slowly tended to every cut I'd made. She was meticulous and each time I flinched as it stung she apologised. She made her way up both of my arms, tenderly cleaning each one. Finally she found some bandages and wrapped them around my arms.

"Just so you're not tempted to reopen them." she said with a weak smile.

She knew me so well.

When Naomi had finished she stared at me, "Eff, please don't cut yourself, you've got people who love you, you're not nothing."

"I know it in my head but..." I paused, "sometimes it doesn't register."

"Effy Stonem, I bloody love you and I'd die if you weren't in my life, so promise me I'll never have to deal with that." Naomi said.

I gave her a weak smile, "I promise."

Eventually she led me back into the bedroom and found me some pyjamas. She stripped the bed and placed clean sheets on it. Finally she led me downstairs and made me sit at the table while she heated some soup. I couldn't face more than a few mouthfuls but Naomi said it was better than nothing. I felt a bit pathetic as she spoon fed me but it was nice to be taken care of, I didn't have to think about anything.

After I'd eaten we went into the lounge and Naomi looked through the DVDs, "How about Beaches?"

I smiled, "I don't have it, I'm far too cool for that."

She rolled her eyes, "I know where you keep the embarrassing films that you don't want anyone to know you own."

I shrugged, "Ok, Beaches it is but don't blame me when we're all puffy eyed and wailing."

Naomi put the disc into the player and we settled on to the sofa, "you ok?"

I nodded, "Naoms, about Emily, I didn't mean it, you can talk about her if you want."

Naomi reached over and pulled me into her side, "It's not important right now, this is about you and me alright?"

I nestled into her, feeling safe again, "Ok. You're going to stay aren't you?"

I couldn't help the needy tone in my voice but she smiled and nodded, "Of course I am."

"Naoms... I... I didn't mean to..." I began falteringly.

She pulled me closer and kissed the top of my head, "Shhhh, let's just watch the film. Don't worry about anything else, we've got plenty of time to talk about, I'm not going anywhere."