A/N: Hello, is anyone there?

I know it's been a while but in my defence... No you're right there is no excuse so I'm sorry ok?

First thing I wanted to say is I hope Effy's pov in the last chapter didn't seem blase, it wasn't my aim at all. Nor do I want her behaviour in this chapter to seem unrealistic so sorry if it feels wrong to anyone, it's really not my intention.

Switching Naomi and Emily povs in this and although I've rewritten chunks of it I'm still not totally happy, but it moves things along so hopefully it'll do.

I will really, really try to update sooner this time, I promise.

Naomi

I stirred the eggs and sighed, I really hoped Effy was doing alright. She seemed a lot brighter, well ok, she seemed a bit brighter but I'd had enough experience to know that didn't always mean she felt less depressed. I'd stayed with her all last weekend, which was always what I intended but it seemed more important when Anthea phoned to say she'd be away a bit longer than she thought. I took the call because Effy refused to speak to her and when I relayed the news Eff snorted derisively while making some sarcastic comment about getting a shag being more important than her daughter's well being. I'd tried several times to pass on the message that her Mum was sorry, but she always gave me a sceptical look and countered if she didn't want anyone to get hurt she could always have kept her fucking knickers on in the first place.

Obviously I couldn't be here all the time as I had work, which was utter chaos at the moment with Mandy being more demanding than ever. I think she'd become used to me not minding working long hours in the couple of weeks I hadn't been speaking to anyone and so she just assumed it was ok now. I really didn't want to leave Effy alone so on my insistence she phoned Cook and he took over 'babysitting duty', as she sarcastically referred to it, when I couldn't be around. Eff grumbled about us treating her like a child but underneath it I could tell she was actually relieved we were taking care of her.

That's not to say Cook and I looked after her together, I was adamant about not being anywhere near him. I might have forgiven Effy but she only knew about Emily's secret for half a day and she'd urged the redhead to come clean. Cook knew for a lot longer than that and from what I can make out he hadn't put pressure on Emily in the slightest after initially agreeing to keep the kid's presence from me. I'd text Eff when I was leaving work and make sure he was gone by the time I got to her house. On Tuesday night she'd tried to force us to see each other but as soon as I found out he was still there I turned straight around and insisted I wouldn't return until he left. Effy hadn't tried that little trick again.

The toast popped up and I switched the gas off under the saucepan just as Effy entered the kitchen.

"Morning," I said brightly.

Effy shrugged and glanced at the clock, "Not really sure you can still call it that."

I was undeterred, "Well, you obviously needed the sleep. Scrambled eggs on toast ok?"

Effy gave me a half smile, "I'm going to turn into a scrambled egg if you're not careful."

I returned her smile, "They're nice and light, easy for you to manage and it's comfort food. I'll cook something proper for dinner. So how you doing today?"

She paused, "A four and a half, maybe a five."

I put the food on the table, "Hmmm, that's not too bad I guess."

We both sat down and started to eat in silence. The first time Eff got depressed I tried to get her to open up to me but it actually made things worse. When she was down she could never articulate how she felt and me asking her to try only left her more upset. So we developed a system where she could tell me how she was feeling without actually having to be explicit. It was a simple one to ten rating and I didn't stop worrying about her until she reached at least a seven. Four and a half wasn't that great but considering we'd barely got past a two or three for most of the week I took it as a good sign.

Effy reached for the salt, "You didn't have to take the day off you know?"

I nodded, "I know, but you know who is fucking off this afternoon on yet another 'research trip' so it isn't like I'm missing a whole day and besides she's been working my arse off so I think I deserve a break."

While we were eating I noticed Effy glancing nervously at me, it was like she wanted to say something but stopped herself. I was never sure whether to push things when she wasn't feeling great but the frequency of her looks increased so I decided to bite the bullet.

"Eff," she raised her eyes, "What's the matter?"

A shrug, "Nothing in particular."

I continued to stare, "Sure? I mean you would tell me right?"

She nodded but her eyes darted away as the doorbell went, "Can you, err, can you get that?"

"I'll get rid of them eh?" I questioned as I made my way to the door.

Effy gave a non-committal, "Hmmm."

I opened the door, snorted loudly and promptly slammed it shut again. I glared at Effy as I made my way back to the kitchen.

"So that's why you were so shifty?" I sneered.

She had the grace to blush slightly, "Please Naomi, speak to him. I hate the fact you're still fighting."

"I have nothing to say to that cunt." I responded sharply.

"Naomi, all I'm asking is that you see him. Cook's really sorry and he's miserable." Effy pleaded.

"He should have thought of that before he betrayed me." I spat towards the front door.

The letterbox flapped open, "Come on Naoms, please let me in, all I want is to let you know how really, really, really sorry I am I let you down. I should have told you straight away, I know that."

I folded my arms, "At least he knows what he's done wrong this time."

Effy made a last ditch attempt, "Naoms, if you speak to Cook it'd make me feel better, I'd definitely be a five then."

My eyes narrowed but I moved towards the front door, "That was a dirty tactic Stonem."

I opened the door and Cook fell backwards, I shot him a glare and went straight back into the kitchen, after a minute he sheepishly followed me.

"You've got five minutes to plead your case, but I should warn you I'm not in a forgiving mood so it's going to take a hell of a lot more than a pathetic sorry." I explained with a sneer.

He shifted uncomfortably and took a few deep breaths but his next move came as a total surprise. I yelled loudly as Cook dropped to his knees and held his clasped hands towards me.

"Naomi, I'm so very, very sorry I didn't tell you about Emily's kid as soon as I found out. I never, ever meant to hurt you or betray your trust, I know how important that is to you and I would never put our friendship in jeopardy for anyone. Please forgive me, please..." he pleaded.

I stared at his best innocent face, "So why didn't you tell me?"

"I wasn't happy honest Naoms, I gave Emily a right piece of my mind." he began.

"Didn't think you could spare much." I interjected.

Cook frowned but carried on, "Emily really begged, she wanted to tell you herself and she made it sound so reasonable. Then she gave me that look where she's like Bambi, you know the one with the big eyes."

"Hmmm, having been on the receiving end of the doe eyes more than once I can sort of understand why you might have agreed." I mumbled and Cook sensed I was thawing slightly.

He nodded, "She swore she only needed a day or so, I wouldn't have said yes if I knew it would go on longer, please Naoms, you've got to believe me."

I stared at his face with its hopeful expression, "Fine, I believe you but if you ever do anything like this again I'll fucking kill you, ok?"

Cook leapt up and threw his arms around me, "I've missed you babe."

I pushed him away, "I might be talking to you but it doesn't mean I've totally forgiven you."

He gave me a cheeky grin, "Yeah it does, I knew the begging would work."

I rolled my eyes, "You better have meant every word Cook..."

A look of panic crossed his face, "Honestly, I did Naoms, every last bit."

"So that's why you and Katie get on well then?" I questioned.

"Huh?" he shot back.

I winked at Effy, "His girlfriend likes to beg too, came to see me specially last weekend."

"Katie ain't my girlfriend." Cook spluttered.

I raised my eyebrow, "It's a terrible thing, being in denial Cook. But she did get my address from you I assume?"

Cook scowled at me, "Well, yeah, she was supposed to be coming round to mine when she phoned and asked for it so I thought she might take a detour."

"Did she tell you how it went afterwards?" I questioned.

He shook his head and blushed slightly, "We don't do a lot of talking when we see each other..."

A small smile played around Effy's lips, "So the great Katie Fitch threw herself at your mercy, this day gets better."

I returned her smile, "She came to see me last Saturday, to beg me to give Emily a second chance. It was heavily caveated, you know 'I wouldn't normally be caught dead doing this for anyone else apart from Emily' type of stuff but I was still impressed she tried."

Cook coughed, "So you gonna? Give Emilio another chance."

I shrugged, "Haven't really given it much thought..."

Effy snorted, "Of course you haven't."

"Eff, I've been busy taking care of you, I told you that was more important." I snapped.

"And what about when you're at work?" Effy countered.

"Been busy there too." I mumbled unable to meet her eye.

Effy reached for my hand, "Naomi, I really appreciate everything you've done for me this week but you can't keep avoiding things. It's obvious you still have feelings for Emily."

I sighed deeply, "Maybe I do still have feelings for Emily, but I really don't know what they are anymore. Part of me wants to believe the woman I fell in love with is still there but I'm not sure I can get past the part of me that's still outraged and hurt she lied."

"All the more reason to speak to her then, ain't it?" Cook said gently.

I rubbed my temple, "It's not that simple though is it? It's not just about if, and it feels like a massive if at the moment, I can forgive her for lying, there's also the small matter of her having a son. What if I find it harder to get over that?"

"Naoms, you won't get answers to any of those questions unless you go and see Emily. I genuinely don't think she intended to hurt you, I wouldn't be arguing her case otherwise." Effy persuaded.

"She tries to hide it well but it's obvious she really misses you and is totally in bits." Cook offered.

My head rose, "You've seen her?"

"Errr... umm..." Cook started, clearly unsure how to respond.

"It's ok, I'm not angry, I just want to know." I explained.

He gave a sigh of relief and nodded, "I've been over to Katie's once or twice. At first Emily was embarrassed and apologised loads for dropping me in it with you but I told her it was my place to say no."

I glared slightly, "I think it's best we don't rake over that again eh? What about the kid?"

"What Danny?" Cook asked.

"No Cook, Naomi meant some random kid not related to Emily at all, you dumb prick." Effy responded sarcastically.

He shot her a look, "Someone's feeling better..."

"Er, hello? Can we focus back on me and my dilemma here?" I stated exasperatedly.

Cook shook himself, "Sorry. Yeah he was there too."

Effy rolled her eyes at me, "For God's sake, shall I hold him while you hit him? This is like pulling teeth Cook, I'll speak really slowly so you understand. What. Is. Danny. Like?"

"Oh right, I was getting round to that. He's a good lad, bit shy at first but once he warms up he's ok. He's a bit of a whizz on computers, absolutely whipped my arse on the Wii and he seems pretty bright. He was telling Emily about some experiment he'd seen on the telly and was explaining why he knew it was going to go wrong. Lost me after about five seconds." Cook finally said.

I smiled wryly, "That might be more of an advert for your stupidity than him being clever."

"Oy, be nice or you ain't getting any more info out of me." He replied with a pout.

I paused, if Cook thought he was alright then he probably wasn't a total brat, "But what if we don't like each other? Mandy...

"The cunt." Effy and I said at the same time before I carried on.

"Well she said he ruled the roost or words to that effect." I said with a frown.

Cook shrugged, "So you going to see Emily then."

I bristled, "I haven't made my mind up yet."

Effy chuckled, "Naoms, you're already worrying about Danny's reaction to you, I think it's safe to say you've decided to speak to Emily."

"I suppose listening to what she has to say is only fair." I responded.

The two of them sat back and looked expectantly at me. After a couple of minutes they were still staring.

"What?" I asked.

"Strike while the iron's hot Naomi." Effy said patronisingly as Cook nodded.

I tried and failed to hide my panic, "Right now?"

Raised eyebrows, "Why not?"

Think Naomi, come on, there has to be a good reason why I can't see Emily this second apart from the truth, which is I'm bricking it. I mean ok, maybe I was coming round to the idea of seeing her again but not now for fuck's sake, I was nowhere near ready. I checked the clock and heaved a huge sigh of relief.

"I can't, it'll be right in the middle of the lunchtime rush, it's always busy on a Friday." I stated confidently.

Cook shrugged and got his phone, I grabbed at it wildly, "Don't call Katie and check."

Effy sighed, "Come on Naomi, it'd make me really happy if you got this sorted as soon as possible with Emily."

My eyes narrowed and I pointed at her, "You get to use that line once a day at most, you've already used today's by making me speak to Cook, don't push it."

Effy shrugged in defeat, "Fair enough, but Cook won't let you have any vodka until you see Emily."

"Oh don't be so ridiculous, that's blackmail, Cook wouldn't be so childish." I said with a laugh until I saw from the look on his face that actually yes, he would.

They continued to stare until I couldn't stand it anymore, "Fine, ok? I'll go now, right now, this second."

We sat in silence until Effy coughed and Cook tapped his watch.

"All fucking right, I'm going..." I said as I reluctantly got up.

"Best of luck." they chorused and I gave them both the finger before I made my way to the bus stop.

I cursed under my breath as a bus arrived straight away, it was bloody typical, if I was in a hurry I'd have had to wait ages, but when I was hoping to buy myself some thinking time hey presto here it was.

I sat down and tried to order my thoughts. What was I going to say when I got there? After five agonising, stomach churning minutes I hadn't got any further than a suitable greeting and even that was only a spectacularly unimpressive "hi".

I glanced out of the window and nearly had a heart attack when I realised where we were. I mean for fuck's sake it was a Friday afternoon, there should have been loads of traffic and plenty of people at the bus stops, but oh no, today the roads were relatively clear and even the traffic lights seemed to be working against me, every single one was green.

In what felt like record time we were in town and my stop was coming up, I pressed the bell and got off the bus. I looked over at the shop as a customer left and checked my watch. I ambled over and took a minute to look inside, there was only one customer so I couldn't even use the excuse it was busy to aid my procrastination. Katie was serving but I couldn't see Emily anywhere, maybe she wasn't here today. But even I knew that was a desperate attempt to clutch at straws, Emily went into the shop everyday.

I saw some movement out the corner of my eye and turned my head just as Emily walked in from the back. In spite of everything I couldn't stop my breath catching or my pulse skyrocketing, she was truly beautiful. In a pathetic attempt to make myself feel better I'd spent the last three weeks trying to convince myself that because she lied to me she'd have lost her allure and I wouldn't find her attractive but that little piece of deception was blown totally out of the water as soon as I saw her again. I wondered how on earth I'd managed to keep a straight face when I accused Cook of being in denial earlier, he clearly wasn't the only one.

I continued to observe through the window. Katie asked Emily something and the redhead shook her head sadly before she took the money for the order. Katie squeezed her shoulder as she made her way to the back of the shop and Emily flashed her a quick smile. The customer took his change and left, so Emily was now on her own. Come on Naomi, you can't put it off anymore. I steeled myself and pushed the door open.

Emily was facing away from me and she hastily wiped her eyes when she heard the bell go, "Sorry I won't be a minute."

I was a mess of conflicting emotions, I almost felt sorry for her but my resolve hardened when I remembered how she'd lied to me and how shit I'd been feeling. But then again, I was here so I clearly wanted to give Emily a chance to explain, even if nothing else came of it.

I took a deep breath, here goes nothing.

"Hi, can we talk?"

Emily

I spun around so quickly the plate I was holding slipped completely from my grasp. It soared through the air like a discus before it smashed against the one of the refrigerated counters and I silently thanked God that I was short otherwise it might have smashed the glass, or worse still taken Naomi's head off.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. Are you ok?" Naomi asked as I finally allowed myself to look at her.

There they were, the perfect blue eyes, staring at me with concern, that's got to be good right? It must mean that she still feels something. EMILY! I chastised myself, stop running away with things, all it means is that she doesn't want you to hurt yourself, that's just basic human kindness, not that she still cares about you.

I nodded and Naomi's expression changed to a more impassive one. I stepped around the shards and reached for the dustpan and brush. I swept up the broken plate, desperately trying to control my emotions. It was stupid that those four simple words had immediately made me feel lighter than I had in weeks.

For God's sake, there I go again. Come on get a grip, all Naomi said is that she wants to talk, it's a start but it doesn't necessarily mean anything. But no matter how hard I attempted to listen to my head, I knew it was my heart, which had lifted as soon as I heard her voice and was now beating furiously, that was going to win the day as I was filled with hope that the blonde being here did count for something.

I jumped as Naomi kneeled next to me and held out some newspaper, "Here, you can put it in this."

I went to take it from her but she stopped me, "it's ok, I'll wrap it up, it was sort of my fault after all."

"Thanks," I replied with a small smile as I tipped the contents into the centre of the paper and stood back up.

I was in the process of replacing the dustpan and brush when Katie marched in, "What the hell was that?"

"I dropped a plate." I said quietly.

Katie tutted, "For fuck's sake Emily, that's the third one this week. I know you find it hard to concentrate because you're always thinking about Naomi but this is costing us a fortune..."

My eyes widened and I motioned to the floor, "Katie, shut up will you?"

She rolled her eyes, "Don't look like that, I wouldn't say anything about you being such a sap in front of other people..."

Naomi rose from the floor, "I may be wrong, but I think Emily was trying to tell you I was here."

Katie panicked and the verbal diarrhoea started, "I knew that, pffft, of course I knew you were here. I meant other, other people, you know people who aren't you. When I said Ems was thinking about you..."

"Katie! Not helping. Shut the fuck up." I hissed while wishing the ground would open up and swallow me whole.

Thankfully she stopped and held her hand out to the blonde, "I'll take that, you know, leave you two alone."

Naomi passed over the broken plate with a small smile, "Thanks, that'd be good."

I glanced at my watch and did a quick calculation, if I shut the shop now that gave me about an hour before I'd have to leave to pick Danny up from school, I hoped it would be enough time. When I looked back up the blonde was frowning slightly.

"Sorry, I came barging in without thinking. I can come back another time if that'd be more convenient?" Naomi offered.

"NO!" I shouted startling both Katie and Naomi.

There was no way I was letting her leave without us talking. What if she said she'd come back another time but after thinking about it changed her mind? I couldn't risk it. I turned to Katie with a pleading look.

My twin smiled, "Sure it's ok Em, I'll pick Dan up. Maybe I can take him to McDonalds to give you a bit of extra time?"

I pondered her suggestion briefly, selfishly all I cared about was making sure Naomi stayed, if that meant pumping my child full of processed crap then it was a trade off I was prepared to make just this once.

"Great, thank you, but make sure he has salad, not chips and orange juice not coke. Oh and something with chicken, not beef..." I trailed off as both women stared at me sceptically.

Katie rolled her eyes, "Alright Em, no need to stress."

I turned to the blonde, "Normally he's not allowed anywhere near there. One because I don't like him eating that rubbish, it's full of additives and fat. But also, places like that are the death knell for businesses like this. Doesn't really send out the right message about the quality of our freshly prepared sandwiches if I let my son eat burgers all the time."

I knew I was over explaining but on top of everything else I didn't want Naomi to think I was a bad mother as well.

She smiled slightly, "It's ok Emily, I'm sure once in a while as a treat won't do any permanent damage."

Katie coughed, "Right, so that's sorted. I'll get out of your hair. See you later losers."

She swanned out of the front door with a slight wave. Naomi and I stood in awkward silence for a while. In the end we both started to speak at the same time, then we did that whole, 'after you, no after you, no I insist' routine until Naomi shrugged.

"I was just going to observe that Katie is still Katie," she said wryly.

I nodded, "I suppose she's entitled to be a bit insulting, she is doing me a big favour after all."

"What were you going to say?" Naomi enquired.

I made my way over to the door and locked it before I turned the sign to closed, "Just that I was going to shut the shop, so we didn't get interrupted."

She began to protest, "I don't want you to lose any business because of me..."

I motioned towards the tables, "Look around Naomi, we're not exactly heaving with customers and besides this is more important."

"If you're sure..." she said hesitantly.

I swiftly nodded, "I'm positive. Can I get you something? A sandwich or a coffee?"

We both knew I was stalling for time, delaying the inevitable difficult conversation we were about to have but I wasn't quite ready to face it yet and from Naomi's look of relief I guessed she felt the same.

"I've eaten thanks but a coffee would be good." she said as she sat at one of the empty tables.

Phew, that answered another of my internal dilemmas. I had thought about suggesting we went upstairs to talk as it's more comfortable but we'd had sex on that sofa and I was worried the memory would make an already awkward situation ten times worse.

My hands were shaking as I prepared our drinks. I know I'd already kind of explained things to Cook, Effy and Katie but it was a lot easier trying to justify myself to them than to the blonde sitting a few feet away from me. As various excuses raced through my mind I grew even more nervous, Jesus if they sounded pathetic to me, how lame we're they going to seem to Naomi?

I sighed deeply, there was nothing else for it I had no other option than to be totally honest with her and answer anything she asked me truthfully. The trouble was it scared the shit out of me and there were no guarantees anything I said would make a blind bit of difference in the end.

I placed the coffees down and sat opposite Naomi, we both blew on the liquid before taking a sip. I wondered if I should just launch into an apology but the blonde beat me too it.

"Before we say anything else I wanted to apologise for pushing you like that, it was inexcusable and I'm sorry." she said seriously.

"It's ok, you were angry and you'd had a big shock." I replied.

She shook her head, "No Emily, there's never any justification for violence towards women, no matter what the provocation. I'm ashamed I let my temper get the better of me, especially given the strong views I have on the subject."

I thought about making light of it with a jokey reply but quickly decided against it. I didn't want to give Naomi any reason to think I wasn't taking this seriously.

"It was under pretty extreme circumstances but I know it was completely out of character. Thank you for apologising though, it means a lot." I said gently.

She nodded and we lapsed back into silence. Over the past few weeks I'd played out various scenarios of how I'd behave if by some miracle I ever got the chance to speak to Naomi again. Most, no wait, all of them involved me begging for forgiveness, not a single one entailed the pair of us sitting staring into space like a couple of zombies. This wasn't going to plan at all and as I was the one in the wrong I figured it was up to me to break the deadlock.

"Can I ask you something?" I ventured.

Naomi looked relieved I'd finally spoken, "Sure."

"What made you change your mind? About seeing me I mean." I asked.

Alright, so maybe it wasn't exactly the grovelling apology I should be giving but it was a start. She shifted in her seat and I worried I'd made a mistake putting her on the spot like that, I was supposed to be the one getting the hard time here.

Her brow furrowed, "A combination of things I guess."

I didn't want to push too hard but I needed to know, "is it just that you've had time to calm down?"

She scowled, "Who said anything about me calming down Emily? I'm still incredibly angry, justifiably so in my opinion."

Shit, shit, shit, "I understand that completely, it doesn't matter why you're here, I'm just glad you are."

She sighed, "Sorry, it was a perfectly reasonable question."

"I sort of gave up hope after you didn't respond to my letter, I reasoned if that didn't work then nothing would." I explained.

Naomi looked sheepish, "I didn't read it. I tore it up and threw it straight in the bin."

Now I was really perplexed, "Oh, I thought maybe you'd reflected on what I said..."

She shook her head, "I did reflect on things but not because of the letter. If you want to know what really tipped the balance you should ask Katie."

"Sorry?" I replied with a frown.

Naomi stared at me like she was trying to gauge my reaction, it was obvious I didn't have a clue what she was on about, "Katie came to see me last weekend."

I gasped, "Fuck, I specifically asked her not to interfere. I'm sorry Naomi, I'd have stopped her if I'd known, but you have to believe me I didn't ask her to, she wasn't there because of me..."

The blonde smiled, "Hey, it's ok. Katie was very clear that you hadn't sent her round, in fact she said you'd kill her if you knew."

"I still might..." I mumbled.

"You should go easy on her, I probably wouldn't be sitting here if she hadn't come over to my house. She really stuck up for you." Naomi replied.

"She did?" I asked unsurely.

Naomi nodded, "Yeah, she explained a few things about JJ and the sacrifices you'd had to make because of Danny. For what it's worth I think you'd have been an excellent doctor."

I blushed, it wasn't something I ever really told people in case they thought it was a silly dream to have, "I might not have even got into medical school, so it wasn't like I was really giving anything up."

"Maybe not, but you did miss out on uni and at least I understand now why you never liked to talk about it." Naomi said with a sigh.

The silence was back and once again we sat lost in our own thoughts.

"So I should thank Katie, but she obviously wasn't the only thing that persuaded you." I stated.

The blonde frowned, "What do you mean?"

I shrugged, "Well you said she called round last weekend, it's Friday today, so I'm guessing you weren't totally convinced by what she said, well not at first."

A cloud passed across her face and I was worried I'd pushed her too far again, "Actually, Katie also wanted to pass on a message from Cook about Effy. At that stage I hadn't spoken to either of them since the night I found out they knew about Danny and hadn't told me. They'd both been in contact, but I was so angry at their betrayal I refused to see them. When they stopped calling round I just assumed they'd got the message and were leaving me to cool off."

Katie had mentioned in passing that Cook was worried about Effy, but he wouldn't tell her why. I was almost afraid to ask, but I could see Naomi was obviously concerned about something, the least I could do was let her talk about it if she wanted to.

"But they weren't letting you cool off? There was another reason?" I asked gently.

Naomi bit her lip and nodded, "Eff found out her Mum was screwing some guy behind her Dad's back, it's not the only time it's happened. Although she hates them arguing she can cope with that a lot better than the thought of them getting a divorce, it petrifies her. We were 17 when Anthea had her first affair and Effy got so depressed she tried to kill herself. Ever since then she's spiralled down on occasion and I suppose finding out it had happened again coupled with the fact we'd argued was enough to send her over the edge."

Christ, the impact of my actions kept getting worse and worse. Not only had I lied to Naomi and asked her two best friends to do the same I'd now found out that in the process I'd totally isolated her at a time when Effy really needed her. I thought I couldn't despise myself any more than I already did, turns out I hadn't even got close.

Naomi sighed and continued, "Normally, I'm around to watch over her, you know keep her safe? But this time I was being pig headed and refusing to speak to her. I'd never have been able to forgive myself if anything happened to her. So that's mainly why it took me so long to come and see you after Katie's visit, I've been spending all my free time with Eff."

I knew I couldn't put it off any longer, so I gingerly reached over and placed my hand on top of hers, I wasn't sure if Naomi would be ok with the contact but I took the fact that she hadn't pulled away screaming as a reasonable sign.

I took a deep breath, "Naomi, I can't even begin to express how sorry I am, for everything. I shouldn't have kept Danny's existence hidden in the first place and for you to find out the way you did was appalling. I know you might find it difficult to believe but I honestly did want to be the one to tell you. I'm so ashamed that I basically forced your friends to cover it up, doubly so now I know the full extent of how much pain that caused you. I didn't set out to hurt, humiliate or betray you in any way and I'm so very, very sorry that's what ended up happening."

She stayed silent but didn't move her hand, instead she stared into space. I attempted to keep my expression as neutral as possible, I wanted Naomi to know I was being genuine but I didn't want her to accuse me of being manipulative with my 'puppy dog stare' again. When she finally looked at me, her eyes were filled with sadness and I could see for myself exactly how much I'd hurt her.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she asked quietly.

I stared at our hands and swallowed, all of the answers I had seemed inadequate.

"I mean I understand why in the beginning, it's not something you spring on people over dinner on your first date. But it was four months Em, that's a long time." she continued.

"I know." I responded.

She withdrew her hand and I immediately felt worse due to the loss of contact, "Is that all you can say? This is your big explanation is it? You didn't mean for it to happen, you know it was wrong, you're sorry. Maybe they're all true, I really don't know, but I still don't understand how you could lie when you said you loved me."

My head snapped back up, "They are all true and I do love you Naomi, that hasn't changed."

She sighed exasperatedly, "How can you say that? If you genuinely loved me you'd have trusted me enough to tell me about Danny."

"It wasn't about not trusting you..." I began but I was interrupted by a scoff.

"Oh come on Emily, that's bullshit. I've had your sister begging me to speak to you, I've had Effy and Cook badgering me to give you a chance to explain, what's the fucking point if you won't even be honest with me? I'm giving you one last chance and I want the truth this time." she spat at me.

I could tell from the steely look in her eyes that she was serious, this was the last chance saloon and if there was any hope at all for us, which was looking increasingly unlikely by the second, I couldn't afford to mess this up.

I gulped, "Fair enough, it was a combination of a lot of things I suppose and I'll explain as best I can. If I'm not making myself clear or you don't understand something then you need to tell me and I'll try to describe it differently. But please believe me it won't be because I'm lying or trying to mislead you in some way, I promise."

Naomi folded her arms, "Ok, I'm listening."

Naomi

I sat back and waited. Maybe I'd been a bit harsh but apart from the, admittedly heartfelt, apology I hadn't got a lot else from her. Yes, we'd talked and ok she was pretty nice when I opened up about Effy but I was still waiting to understand her reasons for keeping the fact she had a seven year old son from me.

I wasn't stupid, I didn't expect her to come out with it straight away. She'd obviously want to wait until she was sure we were going somewhere first. But as I'd pointed out, we were together for the best part of four months, it's a long time to keep up that sort of pretence.

Then there was the fact that she knew how hard I found it to trust people, how much it scared me that someone might have that sort of hold over me. For virtually the first time in my life I'd let my defences down and completely laid myself bare with Emily only to have her throw it back in my face. On some level I did believe her when she said she was sorry and that she still loved me, but without a proper explanation it was never going to be anywhere near enough for me to risk getting hurt again.

"I'm sorry Emily, but this is time limited so I suggest you start talking unless you want me to walk out of here and never come back." I said sternly.

I knew it was a bit cruel and maybe I shouldn't have got a small sense of satisfaction as she panicked but I was sick of us skirting around the issue. Besides, when I'd run away after we kissed, Emily wasn't exactly easy on me either so I felt entirely justified in being as demanding now.

She took a deep breath, "When Danny was born the fact I had a baby wasn't really an issue in terms of dating. I was so knackered, the only thing that interested me on the rare occasions I did get some time to myself was sleeping. When I was awake, my only focus was him, I was so worried I was going to get something wrong, Jesus I was only a kid myself, how the hell was I supposed to know what to do? I had a lot of help but the massive sense of responsibility doesn't go away just because someone else is babysitting."

This was all very interesting, in an abstract way, but what did it have to do with why she'd kept a secret from me?

Emily quickly spoke again, "Sorry, I have this tendency to be verbose when I'm nervous. I'll try to get to the point more quickly."

I gave her a half smile, "I do remember and I'd rather you told me too much than not enough."

She nodded, "Ok. So for the first year I was too tired to think about meeting anyone. Then JJ started to get headaches and even though at first he didn't think they were anything I was still worried. When he finally went to the doctors we knew it was serious because of the speed he got appointments for tests, they saw him within a few days. I don't know if Cook or Katie told you but when we found out the tumour was inoperable JJ and I decided to get married?"

My eyebrow raised, so Cook knew she was married but failed to mention it, although to be fair I suppose I didn't really give him the chance. Let it go Naomi.

"Yeah, Katie managed to drop that particular bombshell." I replied and watched as she looked away embarrassed.

"It wasn't anything lavish, why would it be? But it still took planning, which on top of having a baby and hospital visits meant I had even less time. After JJ died I was devastated, not just because I'd lost my best friend but also because Danny was going to have to grow up without his Dad." She paused.

I knew exactly what that felt like and fleetingly I felt sorry for the kid. Knowing how much Emily fretted about things, it must have been the cause of a fair few sleepless nights for her too.

"That must have been a really tough time for you." I stated softly.

"Yeah, it was. But I can see this is about as clear as mud to you. I wasn't telling you any of that to make you feel sorry for me. I was trying, very badly I expect, to show you that the first three or four years after Danny was born were no go areas as far as women were concerned. I had a baby, I got married to my best friend, my fake husband died and then I set up a business. While all my friends, who disappeared one by one by the way, were off out having the time of their lives, I was at home." She stated matter of factly.

I tried to digest what she was saying, surely she can't mean what I think? There's no way. I looked at her strangely and I wondered if I should just ask. I hesitated a few times before Emily put me out of my misery.

"I can tell you've got a question, I meant it Naomi, I'll answer anything you want to know." she stated.

I coughed, how could I put this subtly, "Didn't you ever go out?"

She smiled, "And by that I assume you mean did I really go without sex for four years?"

Shit, obviously not as oblique as you think Naomi, I nodded, "I know casual sex isn't really your style, but you must have been gagging for it, I know I would have been."

Emily laughed, "Naomi, I clearly haven't conveyed how exhausted I was, honestly for the first couple of years nothing was further from my mind."

"And what about after that?" I asked cautiously but really I didn't to want to know about the other girls.

She blushed, "Ok, I admit as Danny got older and he slept through the night, I wasn't as bothered leaving him with my parents."

I knew a flash of jealousy had crossed my face, "So you acted more like your friends?"

Emily sighed, "There's only so much DIY you can take. It's not just about having an orgasm, sometimes you miss contact with another person, even if it doesn't last or mean anything. So yeah, I had some one night stands. Katie and I would go out on a Friday or Saturday and if I was lucky I'd pull. It wasn't ideal but it kept me from feeling totally lonely."

"I suppose I'm in no position to judge." I replied. "But I don't get what this has to do with us."

"Katie came back from uni so we decided to turn the business into something more permanent which is when we bought the shop. Danny was almost ready to go to school and my parents tv career had taken off. They gave us the house and things slotted into place. I was at an event and I met someone called Vanessa, there was an instant attraction but to be honest I thought it was only going to be a one night thing. But we exchanged numbers and met up for dinner a few times. After that we started seeing each other regularly, a few times a week. After a couple of months I decided I wanted her to meet Danny so I told her I had a son. Quickest meal of my life, she couldn't escape fast enough. Apparently, it wasn't part of the deal. So I became more cautious." Emily stared off into the distance.

She turned back to me, "That pretty much became the story of my life. Everything would be going well until I'd tell them about Danny and then you wouldn't see them for dust. Sometimes it was simply about the fact that I had a child or sometimes because they didn't like the fact I couldn't be impulsive. It pissed them off."

I had to ask, "Were there a lot of women?"

Emily shook her head, "No, I'm not talking about many, just a few people I liked and I thought it was better to get the fact I had a child out of the way sooner rather than later."

"What about Mandy? How long did you and she date?" I questioned.

"About three months, I hadn't been out with anyone for a while and I met her at a reception. She's pretty adept at flattery and I suppose I was taken in." Emily answered.

I frowned, so basically she'd been with Mandy less time than me but still been honest about Danny.

"Naomi, she met Danny by accident, I'd learnt my lesson by then. We were in town one day and she was shopping with Shelly. It was mutual hatred at first sight." Emily explained.

I smiled, "He sounds like a very good judge of character."

Emily laughed, "I suppose so. But please don't believe everything she said, of course I don't want to bring anyone into his life that he doesn't like, but it's not automatically over if they're important to me."

I stared at her, "Was I important to you?"

She nodded, "Yes and you still are."

I pinched the bridge of my nose, "So why weren't you honest?"

She rubbed her temples, "Because I was scared and a coward."

I hadn't expected that answer, "Go on."

"Naomi, I wasn't lying when I said I felt an instant connection with you. There was just something there." she began.

I raised my eyebrow.

"I'm not talking about the fact that I was attracted to you, you're gorgeous, that goes without saying. I mean something more than that, I don't know, some sort of resonance. Jesus, I sound like my mother." She sighed exasperatedly.

I smiled, "More worryingly, you sound like my mother."

"Hey, leave your Mum alone. Look, Katie is always taking the piss because sometimes I meet women and all of a sudden I let my imagination run away with me. I daydream about all sorts of things that might happen in the future but I never did that with you." Emily stated.

I scowled, "Great, thanks very much."

Emily shook her head, "You don't understand. I didn't do it because I wanted it to be a surprise."

I was more confused than ever.

"I didn't need to make up stuff because for the first time in my life I really believed that it would happen, that there might be a future for us, something to look forward to that wasn't a fantasy." She clarified.

I was starting to get scared now because I realised that maybe I'd been thinking the same way, "Don't be daft, we only went out for a few months."

Emily nodded, "I know, it sounds crazy, far too fast but it felt right didn't it?"

I bit my lip, "Yes, which is why I'm still at a loss to work out why you didn't tell me about Danny. If it was so perfect, why hide something so big?"

"I'd met the woman of my dreams, I was totally in love and I didn't want to spoil anything. Like I said, I'm a coward. At first I was scared it might frighten you away if you knew I had a child so I convinced myself it was better not to tell you. Then after a while it became more about the fact I hadn't been honest and you might hate me for lying. I tied myself up in knots and I couldn't see a way out where I didn't hurt you or look like a selfish bitch. I couldn't stand the thought of losing you, which is ironic if you think about it, so I buried my head in the sand and hoped it would sort itself out." Emily said softly.

I sighed, "I don't hate you, I wouldn't be here otherwise, but I have to be honest and say I'm really not sure how I do feel about you. I don't know how I can be when there's a massive part of your life I know nothing about."

Emily exhaled, "You could find out if you wanted to, if there's a chance we might still be able to be together? You could meet Danny."

The intensity of the situation was crashing in on me, my head was pounding and I couldn't keep hold of, let alone process, the myriad of thoughts that were shooting rapidly through my brain.

"If it was just about me working out if I could cope with you having a son it might be different, but it's not is it?" I ventured.

"I know I didn't tell the truth and as a result I hurt you. But as a very wise woman once said to me, I'm not expecting you to trust me completely now. All I'm asking is for you to maybe give me the chance to win your trust back over time?" Emily said shyly.

I smiled, "She does sound intelligent."

"She is, it's one of her best qualities." She replied.

I looked at the deep, brown eyes that were fixed on me and made a decision, "Is it ok if I think about it, meeting Danny I mean?"

Emily nodded, "Of course it is."

I stood up, "I just need some space..."

"Naomi, it's ok, honestly. I understand completely that this isn't something you can decide lightly." Emily said as we made our way to the door.

She undid the lock and held it open, "It was good to see you."

"Yeah you too and as a very wise woman once said to me, I won't keep you hanging around, even if my answer is no." I responded.

Emily placed her hand on my forearm, "Take all the time you need. It's a big decision, I appreciate that. But regardless of the result, I am sorry, I never meant to hurt you and I do love you."

I stared at her and could tell she was being sincere so I smiled, "I know."

I ran to catch my bus and as I sat down I looked back to the shop where sure enough Emily was still watching. I gave her a small wave and she smiled back. I sighed deeply as we moved out of sight, now all I had to decide was what the fuck I was going to do next.