I had been busy with a couple of my DS9 fics as well as struggling with the beginning of this one. The original version of it was pretty crude that Vytina was wary of it and said it wasn't in Iris' character even though it was funny as hell and based on a certain phone call made by Will Ferrell in "The Campaign". I revamped the original and made it still inappropriate but otherwise safer - and the results are still hilarious. XD

Chapter Twenty-Two

Prank Calls and a Date Night

"Hey, you big old hunk of a professor. This is your call girl calling. I realized you never gave me the date and place where we will have our Friday night date. Swing by during the day to let me know. Oh, and I almost forgot. While we're there, how about we do something crazy weird like get wild and crazy in the bathroom? I have all of the necessary equipment available. And now I have to go. I have to return to work. Don't forget to stop by the workplace near the end of the day."

~o~

"This is something to die for, I'm telling you." Edward was almost laughing his lungs out, or rather his ass off from what Iris was picturing in her office. She sat at her desk near noon, doing just what she was doing, eating a turkey sandwich and melon slices for her lunch break, wearing her tight black silk dress with a plunging neckline this time paired with her white blouse buttoned down by four, patent pumps, and her hair bunned. And Eddie was detailing what he'd caught on camera thanks to help from Jervis' genius spy tech devices implanted in Warner's phone while the message played itself aloud in his voicemail - even better than speakerphone - for the whole class to hear during a lecture the professor was giving. "Okay? I loved every second of it."

"I wish I'd seen it myself," Iris said as she took another bite from her sandwich. "I would have fingered myself to it but imagined that Jonathan was the one I sent it to."

Eddie guffawed loud on the other line from his office at Competitron. "Seriously, doc, that's more than I needed to know! But here's this, and I'm telling you right now, those poor students were disgusted and most likely to have bad dreams from the images conjured up in their poor little minds later on. And Dr. Long, who happened to stop by for a visit, is hopping mad. That makes the situation even more troubling for Warner thanks to the bug that prevented him from turning off the message before it finished playing."

"Good old Jervis," she praised, giggling like a madwoman at the fantasy her mind conjured up as the poor crowd of students listened to a very inappropriate voicemail left on an old man's mobile by a mysterious younger woman. Thinking that made her cheeks burn as she recalled how awkward she'd felt after making the recording in front of Harley and the others - most importantly, Jonathan, whose poor ears had heard more than he'd intended. Iris had managed to find Warner's mobile in his suit jacket pocket that night at the club while she performed for him without him noticing anything else, before retreating to the back alley for Jervis to install his latest invention, and then return inside to run into him with the pretense that he'd dropped his phone - which happened to have his face inside the open-up screen. Good thing he didn't ask how she knew. It was then that he'd told her that their "date" was at seven Friday night, but never the place.

"So what are you going to say if he comes by?"

"I'll act all innocent and say I had no idea that sort of thing would happen," Iris answered sweetly. "He'll believe the words of a woman he's got his predatory eyes on."

Edward snickered. "Good luck with that."

"And trust me, Eddie, he will swing by," Iris intoned with a slight menace to her voice, not meant to scare but to humor. "He still has yet to tell me the location of our date."

"Be careful with him, Iris," he warned. "Whatever you do, don't let him get into your pants or try anything Jon and I don't like so we'd want to kill him."

She sighed in agitation. "Don't get too protective of me. I've made plans to phone Jervis about that. Something like a shocking device that will stun his ass into a coma for a week or however long he can manage."

He roared into laughter before stifling himself. "Oh, I'm sorry, Iris. That's so hilarious and more than I would ever go as far to say." There was a pause. "Shit, I have to go back to work, but I'll talk to you soon."

"You, too," Iris replied, hanging up in time to hear a knock on the door, and Carl's voice calling in for the next patient session. She smiled when Arnold Wesker and his puppet Scarface were brought in.

The day passed by smoothly, but no sign of Dr. Warner just yet, except Iris knew he would come soon. But she got by just like she normally did. However, as she was just leaving through the double glass doors like everyone else would, she accidentally bumped into something - or rather, someone - and looked up to meet a pair of burning eyes belonging to none other than - "Dr. Warner," she said coolly, forcing a smile to her face.

He didn't smile back. "Do you have any idea what happened to me today?"

She tried to look innocent. "What are you talking about? That message I left you?"

"Exactly. I don't even want to know how this happened, but as soon as it went to my voicemail, it turned on for the entire class to listen to. And Dr. Long, the dean of the school who was dropping by for a visit." His face was beet red. "And he accused me of inappropriate conduct in terms of electronic inboxes in front of a classroom of bright young minds. I tried shutting it off, but I can't even figure out what caused it. And he threatened to file sex offense against me if anything happened again."

"Oh, God, I'm so sorry," Iris whispered, bringing both hands to her face, keeping up her act. "I had no idea that sort of thing was going to happen. Can you ever forgive me?" She put on her best "trying not to cry" look, hoping it would help.

It worked. Warner's face softened into a forgiving smile. "Of course, my dear. I could never stay mad at a pretty little one like you." Iris mentally cringed, even when he tried to bring his hand to place on her shoulder, moving fast to give him the excuse that she was in a hurry. "Now, wait a minute," he called to her. "Where do you think you're going? Didn't you want me to tell you our place for our date Friday?" he asked with a twinkle in his eye.

"Oh, I almost forgot. How foolish of me. Where is it?" Iris answered as she unlocked her car door with her remote.

"The Rose Café," he responded. "I'm sending you something to wear."

Panic erupted in her. If he was sending her something that would show more than she'd wanted, enough to arouse his sick imagination… "I appreciate it, but I'm a grown woman. I can pick out my own clothes."

The look he gave her roared obedience. "I'm afraid once you receive it, you have no choice, Iris DeLaine."

She got into her car fast and started it without hesitation, buckling up as soon as she locked all the doors and windows and backed out of the driveway fast while keeping to the limit. Terror all but coursed her veins. She feared that whatever Warner wanted her to wear would result in him making his move on her, like touching her leg from down to up until he got under her skirt. Good thing she called Jervis earlier to let him know of her plans. "Large enough to shove a pack of humpback whales on top of you," she'd said. That sounded funny to her own ears, and it made her feel much better as she drove on home to Jonathan. Ivy and Harley were staying there, too, having taken up Alice and Jervis' old bedroom. She could only hope they didn't do anything to wreck that beautiful aquarium or anything else precious.

Jervis had said that he'd have her new equipment ready by Wednesday evening and that she would not be disappointed. When had he EVER let her down? Already she knew it was going to be great. But for now, all she needed was some time with Jonathan, a refreshing dinner, and a good night's rest.

~o~

Jonathan heard himself hiss as he sat on the foot of Iris' bed and heard her moan of agony. Not physical pain, but the pain of having to wear what Warner bought her to wear for their date. It was now Wednesday evening, which meant the date night was two nights away. He did not like this one bit, having said that before, and he never got tired of it.

"Oh, God, no way in hell I'm wearing this."

"What does it look like?" Jonathan dared to ask even though he didn't want to know. There was the sound of clothes tossed around.

"I don't even want to put it into words," came the agitated response. "There are no words for this hideous thing he's forcing me to wear."

All he understood was that Iris would look beautiful in it - in his own eyes - no matter how the dress looked, and besides, he'd planned on tearing that thing right off of her as soon as she returned from dinner with that monster and making love to her in order to make her too tired to go to work the next day. "Would you just come out and let me take a look at you?"

She sighed again, and the Japanese screen to the closet opened, and out stepped Iris. Jonathan felt his breath catch in his throat. She was absolutely amazing, and he'd never seen her in red before; she'd often said that it wasn't her normal color of choice despite how fiery, maddening, and passionate it was. The dress had a slit to the left side that ended mid-thigh, an asymmetrical neckline that showed her bare right shoulder and arm, whilst there was a single sleeve covering the left arm. Words did her no justice. He could just imagine her on the final night but wished it was him who took her to the Rose Café as he'd done before and in that very dress. Red and rose and a flower like Iris fit perfectly in the same sentence.

"You are absolutely beautiful," he breathed. "There are no words for it."

All she gave him was a little shy smile before she turned and strode back in to change. "Jervis will be here soon with the new weapons," she called over the screen. Jonathan felt disappointment arise with the knowledge that she was changing back into her regular clothes. At least he got to plan ahead of pulling it off of her after that night, he thought with a sly smirk. He'd hate to have to damage that beautiful dress if he were lost in the haze of bloodlust.

Iris had switched into her sheer silk robe - which he glimpsed a little of her breasts and lower center - by the time she slipped out of the dress she called hideous. Perfect timing because the doorbell rang, and they both dashed for the staircase and for the front door to answer. There stood Jervis with a small box and his face pasted with the widest grin ever that Iris returned. "Let's see what you've got."

~o~

Friday night. Six-thirty PM. Oh, how she dreaded it.

Here she stood in front of the tall mirror in her bedroom, looking over her reflection and feeling her stomach quench. This woman was not her at all. The female staring back at her with the same dark-lined Caribbean blue eyes and naturally rosy lips glossed to a shine had her curls barreled with a curling iron and tossed over her bare right shoulder to cover that ear and show the other, which dangled with a chandelier teardrop earring set with rubies that captured a radiant red and featured the tiniest of diamonds. Her dress fell to the floor and formed a puddle around her feet. She'd dabbed herself with the perfume she saved for special occasions, a sassier scent that would cast a black magic spell, its namesake of "Black Magic", and make a man want a woman all the more - fresh Tunisian orange and sensual jasmine - in an exquisite packaging; the bottle was round with a black crystal lid, and was adorned with black lace and an exotic black rose.

"You look wonderful." Jonathan took her in with his eye, praise all but evident in his silvery blue orbs.

"Except I don't feel like it," she confessed, making eye contact with him in the mirror. "I feel like I'm going to start my monthly cycle and bleed to death."

He winced slightly at her bringing up one of the natural elements of her femininity, but a crooked grin took place soon after. "I think you'll be safe. I trust you with every fiber of my being…" He stood from the bed and walked over to her so he could wrap his arms around her. He was wearing a buffalo-check shirt and pajama pants, the combo making him more of the farm boy from Georgia he had been long ago and more handsome than he was. "…and I know you have better instincts than I did, and I know you'll prevent him from touching you. You'll be fine, my love." He pressed a kiss into the bared nape of her neck. The sensations of pleasure shot through Iris like a minor electric current, and she melted into it, growing heated below her stomach, but there was no time for physical contact. She unwillingly broke away.

"Later, I promise," she swore, pressing a finger to his bottom lip. He took the tip of her finger, now painted a bold ruby red, and kissed it tenderly. He watched her leave the room for her car outside to drive to the beautiful Rose Café…where he waited for her.

But first, she had to run into a certain blonde clown at the bottom of the stairs in a chemise black with little pink ribbons on the straps and between the bust. "What do you want, Harley? I have to get going."

"Not just yet, Blue. I got something for you to slip into your date's drink so you don't have to worry about spending the whole evening with him." She waved something in her face, something that was a clear bottle of a solution she could only identify as…eye solution.

"Are you serious?" she asked, flabbergasted. "You want me to slip this into Warner's drink? How the hell am I going to do that when I'm wearing protection and the fact he wouldn't be able to turn away from me and make it easier?"

Harley rolled her eyes. "Take it from me. Make something up that turns his eyes away from you for a moment, and the sooner his head's turned, zip zap like lightning and dump a large splash. The sooner the better, the sooner he downs down all that glass, he'll be gouging out into the toilet for the next twelve hours," she finished with a wink. Iris rolled her eyes and accepted the bottle, slipping it into her black patent clutch before heading out the door.

The Rose Café was one of the most romantic dining spots with open-air fashion. The place was rather simple and minimalist with the black and white settings and beautiful chandeliers lighting up the room. Serving one of the best foie gras in the city, the French cuisine there was wonderful without a doubt.

And there sat the man she loathed seeing. He was in a black suit and a dark navy tie over a white shirt that clearly showed how morbid he was in both appearance and nature. The sooner he spotted her, he gave her a sick grin and motioned her over with a beckon of his finger. Sitting beside him was a clear bottle of wine she recognized as Pinot Grigio, along with a couple of beautiful tall-stemmed, mouth-blown flutes with stylish gold spirals. She mentally sneered at the luxury she'd have to spend with this man who violated her Jonathan and damaged both his mind and his pride. "I see that dress complements you rather well…just as I imagined it." Iris flinched at the way he said that. "Would the lovely lady care for some champagne before we order?" Oh, now he was making fruitless attempts to be the gentleman at dinner. How predictable. But she decided to play along.

"Very much," she answered with a voice like liquid silk - as smooth as the pale golden fluid that now filled the flute before her.

Warner was eyeing her curiously even though he was still smiling. "You know, I'll be honest, I was taken by surprise at your sudden sweetness to me, and that message," he added with a nervous chuckle. "Because if I recall correctly, you were very hostile towards me at the start. Why the sudden change?"

Iris gave him a false sweet face. "I figured you can't stay angry at one person forever. Besides, I find myself wanting to know more about you. Such as, how long have you been teaching in college?"

He chuckled as he picked up his menu. "You continue to surprise me. Well, I went to Russia to study for my Ph.D., and that's where I graduated. Over four decades ago. That's where I met your grandmother, and she was so beautiful I couldn't stay away from her. In fact, you remind me so much of her. That same fiery personality, that ethereal beauty…but then she left me for your grandfather." Iris tried her best to hide her disgusted face behind her menu. "After that, I relocated to New Jersey, where I taught at Gotham University up until an unfortunate incident that made me lose my job. I was in the hospital for some years before I was released, and Gotham University accepted me to return."

"I was a student there," Iris said, though she didn't want to tell him anything of herself. "Professor Crane was my teacher there for three years until he was wrongfully dismissed for no proof of 'unorthodox methods'."

Warner nodded. "Ah, yes, Jonathan Crane. My student at the same university for all five years, indeed. You know, he was the youngest doctor ever to get a degree in psychopharmacology. Too bad he threw it all away for the life of a criminal, from what I read." Her temper threatened to burn her blood to lava bursting through her flesh at the way he spoke of her Jonathan like that. He lowered his menu and winked at her. "You remind me so much of him, as well. Accomplishing everything at such a young and exceptional age."

"Except I never achieved it in a way you may be thinking," Iris replied coolly. He raised an eyebrow.

"Just what exactly would I be thinking?"

Iris shrugged, still pretending to look innocent. "Oh, maybe that I gave head to get my degree. Which I didn't. I'm not the type of person for that. I am just great at what I do. Life taught me so much that I went through school so fast. So…" She twitched an eyebrow at him. "…are we ready to order or what, Professor?"

Warner cleared his throat and nodded, lowering his menu down. "Of course." He looked up to the waiter who had just approached. "I would like the Coquille St. Jacques if you please." That was a dish of baked scallops with white sauce served on an actual seashell plate. The waiter nodded as he wrote down the order, and then turned to her, the young lady of the evening.

"Grilled lobster with drawn butter, please," she asked sweetly, batting her eyelashes at him, making him blush and nod with the words "Excellent choices" and walking away. It was then that her luck happened.

Warner had given the waiter a warning look at "checking out" his date and had turned around to follow where the young man was heading into the kitchens, and this was when Iris saw her opportunity. Seeing as no one else looked twice at them, she had her clutch unzipped the whole time, and it made it easy for her to draw out the unscrewed eye solution and quickly make a big spray into Warner's wine glass, hiding it once more just as he was turning around to look back at her.

"Someone ever looks at you the wrong way, I'm going to get my hands on them," he growled, and she shivered. She could only imagine what he'd do to Jonathan if he ever found him…

"Well, to take your mind off that for a while…" Iris began, picking up her flute and raising it. "…why don't we drink a toast for tonight?" she finished.

"To what, if I may?" he asked, raising his.

"To…" Iris struggled for words. "…success." That was all it took, and after their glasses clinked, she sipped her slowly and watched as he downed his nearly to the point of finishing it all off before the food arrived. She thought what a pig he was. Her stomach clenched. But then again, his would begin to, as well.

"Well, that was some toast," he said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Indeed," Iris agreed, setting her glass down, her mouth still tasting the flavor of green apples with a white peach undertone, flowers, and citrus. She had never felt so refreshed in all her life. Perhaps it was because of the way she saw Warner begin to look as if he was getting sick, and she could have sworn she heard his stomach growling. She giggled at both that and his face flushing.

"My apologies, Dr. DeLaine. Just hungered more than I was before." She almost snickered at how she had him for a fool at the moment. This increased as soon as the food arrived, and Warner jumped from his chair. Iris pretended to look concerned.

"Are you okay?"

He gave her a weak smile. "Oh, I'm fine. Just suddenly have a…" He trailed off as he slapped a hand over his mouth and hurried away from the table for the men's room somewhere in the direction where the kitchens were. The waiter looked after him with a raised eyebrow.

"I guess he must have lost his appetite," he joked, making Iris laugh. "Here's your grilled lobster, mademoiselle." Iris' stomach gurgled at the sight of the lobster tail drawn over in butter and sided with whipped garlic mashed potatoes. The sight of the scallops on the seashell made her decide that poor old Warner - she giggled at the sarcasm in there - wouldn't mind if she swiped his food and took off after paying for it herself.

"How did it go, Blue?" Harley called excitedly from the kitchen as Iris entered through the front door. She and Pamela were sitting at the island, still in the same chemise from earlier while the redhead wearing a sheer lime green one with nude underparts, both sipping one of the rich red wines Iris owned. She was too distracted to care, but she was in a good mood because everything went according to plan. Warner didn't so much as try to make a move on her or touch her and would spend the next twelve hours or so bursting his stomach to small pieces into the toilet. It was nearing eight o'clock when she returned home, and previously she'd left a text message on the new phone she'd bought Jonathan telling her she was on her way home.

"Perfect," she answered simply as she walked to the elevator and pressed the button for the second level. "Just absolutely perfect now that I am on a full stomach after a sumptuous alone meal while he spent the whole time in the men's room, and I brought his food with me for Jonathan and myself while he never knew I left."

Pamela's laugh was high and hearty. "Ah, that was genius! I knew you would make him look like the dummy he is. And you better get a good night's rest and have some sweet dreams then!" she yelled as soon as she heard the ding of the elevator.

Iris laughed as she walked in and pressed the button. "Sure I will." She looked down at the food she'd decided to save for Jonathan and herself. "But first thing's first." The idea had come to her just now: Jonathan had said earlier that he'd tear her dress off as soon as she returned, so perhaps she could entice him with Warner's dinner she'd brought home - the seashell plate and all - perhaps she could get him to say, "I'm hungry, but not for food," and make him go for her just like that. She headed to Jonathan's room first, but he wasn't there, and she began to feel panic seep into her even when she discovered he wasn't in his bathroom either. That left one other place she knew. She headed to her room across the hallway only to find that the bathroom light was on, but the door was slightly ajar. She smirked as she set down the package of food on the bed and proceeded to slip off her dress, shoulders down, so it was in a sparkling red pool that she kicked off. The black heeled sandals she saved for special occasions followed, but she was left in her strapless red lace bra and bikini. They were lined underneath like the electric fences you found around military bases or prisons, and right now they were automatically off, so no harm would be done to Jonathan…except it would be her to remove them in front of his eyes. They had a button console sized in the back to fit with the hook to her bra, and upon removing that first, the wires would turn off altogether - and on when she put the garments on. After discarding her jewelry, she picked up the seashell with the still-hot food and walked into the bathroom…where she got a surprise.

Jonathan was sitting in the bathtub, smirking and facing her, back against the rim, arms out on either side of him, but the water was clear as crystal so that she could see his spread limbs and knees poking through the water's surface so that she could see the shaded area between his legs. Also, sitting on the marble rim of the tub was a small jar filled with glittering blue crystals, a product of the Kama Sutra line she recognized as Treasures of the Sea - complete with a real seashell scoop, they were nature's most precious filled with minerals from the sea, to create a silky, soul-awakening romantic bath for two. Well, if they were going to have a shared bath this way, it was a good thing she'd brought seafood for a bath for two. She walked over and set the dish down beside him. His eyes followed that, and then back up to her as she began to discard her undergarments, leaving herself naked to him and him only, one hand on her hip. This time her legs and crotch area had been shaved tonight and smelled delicately of the floral essence of honeysuckle, and a smaller triangle shape at the fork of her thighs where fluid heat was beginning to form like the boiling depths of the sea. Jonathan was looking her over like Poseidon would look at a sea nymph. She climbed in then, sitting on top of him so that he couldn't see her face and her his. The fact that they wouldn't be able to see each other made it easier.

Resting against him in water warm enough to almost sear the first layer of skin off was an arousal all on its own. He leaned in to nestle his face into the spot between her neck and shoulder, teeth gently biting the sensitive spot. Iris closed her eyes and lifted a hand to bring him down further, fingers sliding through his silken hair. The feel of his wet pubes turned up the heat; she also felt that he'd shaved off some of the hair down there, too, just for her. There was something else she wanted to feel from him; first, she reached over to grab a scallop and bring it to his nose so that he got the idea of what she was trying to do. He lifted his face from her neck and looked at the food with hungry eyes. She brought it to her left breast that was facing him, placing it to the nipple there so it hardened, butter dripping onto it - and a little into the water - and trailing up her breast and to her mouth, popping it in so she could savor the buttery, salty taste. His baby blues darkened with lust and hunger at the sight, so he took this as a sign to pay attention to her breasts, leaning forward and taking in the buttered nipple into his mouth and sucking the pebbled bud, the electrical sensations shooting throughout her breast to her entire chest, before he removed it to work his warm, moist tongue up the trail left by the scallop and to her mouth, savoring the butter flavor of her lips left by the sea meat. His other hand had come up behind her, fingers ghosting her sides under the water and rising out to grope her other breast, then leaned over, shoulder bumping against the breast he'd played with his mouth, and took another scallop for himself to do the similar thing and pop into his mouth, then let her work her way from his nipple to his lips, taking turns in this little game of seduction in the Greek-themed bath until they finished off the seashell dish.

The Rose Café was a real restaurant in "Pretty Poison", Poison Ivy's debut episode in the animated series. She dated Harvey Dent before she poisoned him with her kiss - this was before he became Two-Face. The interior and exterior detail was based on yet another restaurant, the name I can't remember as it has been a while.

Iris' "protective undergarments" were based on "shock panties" that the main heroine in "Mommy Fiercest" by Cells-girl wore for protection against Lyle Bolton as she worked to save her men - Joker, Scarecrow, and Riddler - from Arkham and him. I tried to contact Cells-girl to tell her she inspired me and that it made me laugh so much I could not resist the idea, but no response. Last I heard she might be leaving the fandom, but I hope to God I am wrong because her stories are so damned funny. I'm not the only one who thinks so.

The use of eye solution to make Victor Warner sick and save Iris' skin also came from the movie "Wedding Crashers", so Owen Wilson's character could have Rachel McAdams' while her boyfriend (Bradley Cooper) puked his innards out the rest of the night. XD