A/N: To think I was worried about this chapter being too short, it turned out the longest one yet! I hope I didn't ramble too much ._.
Thanks again for your lovely reviews, your delightfully kind words make me want to write more 8D
Chapter 9
Zim had been aware of the human's shouts for attention but had chosen to ignore them, favouring instead preparing his device for his Tallests arrival. The drill had begun burying itself deep in the Earth and needed some time now to complete its task. It would probably be a few days until the Tallests reached the Earth. They had been in a relatively nearby galaxy when he'd called them, but he didn't know what sort of technology they had these days as to how fast they could travel.
Zim suddenly found he had nothing else to do, so he decided to return to the room where he was holding the Dib-human to check on him. He'd gone quiet some time ago, but despite this he just couldn't seem to forget about that wretched creature. He swore he felt nothing for him but for some reason the human was frequently on his mind. It was frustrating.
As Zim entered the room he spied the pathetic figure bundled up underneath his coat, his tearstained cheek pressed against the glass. The Dib was asleep for now, he'd clearly worn himself out screaming like that. How pathetic. Zim stalked closer to the tube, peering in curiously. Ugh, disgusting – it had vomited, regardless of being in such small quarters. Filthy humans.
Zim moved back to the console and tapped some buttons, sending the tube shooting upwards into the ceiling and causing the boy fall out and onto his face.
"What the-" Dib panicked, waking up as his cheek smacked the cold floor.
"Don't even think about moving. I'm just getting rid of your disgusting mess." Zim growled without looking up. He tapped a few more buttons and the tube slid back shut, turning white hot and incinerating Dib's mess. Dib looked nervously at the tube. He didn't like the thought that Zim could potentially turn that on while he was still in it. Feeling a bit dazed Dib scrambled to his feet, looking towards the Irken who seemed to be avoiding meeting his eyes.
"Why bother?" He muttered, scowling as he rubbed at his sore cheek.
"I won't have your filthy germs anywhere in my base." Zim replied tersely.
"Well then you'll have to get rid of all of me won't you?" Dib looked at Zim defiantly, but he still wouldn't look him in the eye. Zim glanced at the container to see that the process was complete and opened the prison once more.
"Get back in." He gestured at the prison and finally looked towards Dib, his dark expression daring the boy to disobey.
"What's the point? What are you gonna do just leave me in there?" Dib saw Zim's anger flicker.
"What difference does it make? All you stinking humans will be dead soon."
"Then why keep me alive at all? Why don't you just kill me now and be done with it?" Dib knew he was digging now. He wanted to know if Zim really would kill him. Even if he did, he wasn't sure if he cared that much anymore.
"Get back in that cell!" Zim yelled, starting to lose his temper. The truth was he didn't know why he couldn't kill the boy. He sure felt like he wanted to right now.
"NO! Don't make me watch! I won't sit here and watch you throw your life away!" Dib's voice cracked with emotion.
"What?" Zim chuckled, bemused by the Dib's words. "It's the humans who'll be dying not Zim."
"I thought you were supposed to be smart now." Dib said bitterly, wiping the smile off Zim's face. When Zim had no response he continued, "You told me that if you went back to the Tallests they would most likely kill you. You were going to send them your invention, keep a safe distance, not bring them to see it."
"It was the most logical action to take, to use it on the planet I'm on now and prove that it works. They'd never respect me otherwise." Zim dismissed his words.
"But Zim what if they don't care about your stupid machine? What if they're just coming here to kill you?" Dib deplored Zim to see reason.
"Zim's creation is not stupid! And neither are my Tallests! They will see the brilliance of my machine and it will prove to them that I am a worthy invader." Zim said confidently, looking at Dib challengingly.
Dib wilted. There would be no getting through to him. With the inhibitor on Zim's loyalty to his leaders couldn't be overridden by any other feeling. Dib sniffed back his tears of frustration, refusing to cry right now. He had to do something or Zim was going to walk straight into a trap, he felt sure of it. Plus, he was not going back in that damned tube.
"You're such an idiot." Dib mumbled, gathering his courage as he formulated a plan quickly. He saw Zim bristle. "You're just as stupid as your leaders, and it's going to get you killed."
"Irken's are not stupid." Zim growled dangerously baring his teeth, his antennae folding back rigidly.
"You are. Stupid enough to believe they're going to take you back. They probably can't wait to get here and kill you. Then they'll finally have rid of you like they wanted all along." Dib couldn't look Zim in the eye as he said it, but it had the desired effect.
He saw Zim's tolerance fail as he snapped and lunged for the boy much like he had earlier, but this time Dib was ready for it. He dodged Zim smoothly, ducking down and bursting into a run instantly as he heard Zim crash to the floor behind him. He was grateful now for having dedicated such a large portion of his life to knowing the layout of Zim's base and understanding Irken technology. He took as many twists and turns as he could to try and delay Zim, knowing the Irken would soon be hot on his heels. He only had moments - he could already hear those metallic spider legs clacking against the passageways. Dib's head spun as he ran and he was amazed that he didn't fall over, adrenaline carrying him forward.
"Do you really think you can hide from me in my own base you fool?" Dib heard Zim's enraged voice echoing from another chamber. He sounded just far enough away, he had to take his chances.
Dib rushed over to the nearest console, gasping to catch his breath as he began typing furiously into the keypad. He knew he probably only had less than a minute before Zim caught him. There were censors everywhere in his base so he'd soon know where the human was. Dib swiftly programmed a pair of mechanical arms to fall from the ceiling primed and ready, and isolated their controls from voice commands so that Zim couldn't instruct them. He calibrated the arms to restrain the next thing that passed through the entrance, completing the coding just in time as he heard that metal clattering closer.
Dib's heart pounded as he waited, the seconds suddenly dragging out into slow motion. Just at that moment a figure appeared at the doorway and in a flash of movement Zim was ensnared by thick cables. They twisted around him, holding his arms in close to his body so that he couldn't move. His spider legs got entangled too, rendering them useless as the stronger arms mangled them. For a moment Zim was stunned into silence, but his rage quickly flared as he realised the restraints wouldn't respond to his voice, and he began snarling and writhing against them. Dib let out a relieved breath hardly believing it had worked, shakily approaching the struggling Irken.
"How DARE you use my own base against me!" Zim's fumed, completely incensed. Dib winced a little, Zim was kind of terrifying right now and it wasn't helping his confidence.
"Zim… please calm down, you're going to hurt yourself," Dib could see grazes appearing on the Irken's arms at his shoulders where the skin was exposed as Zim thrashed against the metal. "ZIM STOP!" Dib snapped grabbing Zim's by the shoulders. Finally the alien stilled, a shiver passing through both of them as their skins touched.
"Get your hands off me now." Zim warned Dib in a low voice, his red eyes blazing.
"No not until you listen!" Dib took a moment to calm himself. "I don't want to see you get hurt. There has to be a way we can work this out, I refuse to accept that this is how it ends. We were so close Zim… I still care about you!" Dib searched Zim's face for emotion. The Irken seemed to calm somewhat and looked back at him quizzically. Why on Irk would the human still care about him?
"You must still have the memories. Don't you remember? Playing video games, sleeping over, sitting on my roof and stargazing…" Dib smiled wistfully. He began rubbing small circles against Zim's skin absentmindedly. Oh how he'd missed being this close to Zim. "I can't tell you how sorry I am for hurting you. If I could take it back I would, I'd do anything. Please Zim." His words seem to wash over the Irken, his red eyes staring back in mild confusion. Zim thought back over those memories. It was so strange, they just didn't feel like his anymore.
"You must feel something. I know you do, that's why you can't kill me." Dib squeezed Zim's arms, his eyes welling up. Zim was so unreadable right now but he was being so calm, and it gave Dib courage. "I know there's good in you…" He couldn't hold it in any longer, and he leaned in to press his lips against Zim's keenly. For the briefest of moments he thought he'd won, elation bubbling up inside him. But then he felt the Irken's sharp teeth sink into his lip as Zim bit him viciously.
Dib fell backwards from the shock and pain, blood spilling from his mouth.
"What makes you think you can touch me like that human?" Zim growled, spitting the taste of Dib's blood from his mouth. "Did you think that my emotions would come back magically by your luurve power?" He mocked spitefully. Dib felt his heart break just a bit more. He had been stupid to think he could win Zim over with the inhibitor switched on.
"Computer!" Zim yelled suddenly, "Activate the secondary arms and GET ME OUT OF HERE!"
A second pair of mechanical arms flew from the walls and began ripping apart the ones that held Zim. Dib felt his heart sink more as Zim jumped free - he'd failed. Why had he wasted so much time? He should have just locked Zim away properly, and now it was too late. He held his lip against the flow of blood, not bothering to get up off the floor. He couldn't get away from Zim now. He felt the Irken approach him and looked up to see Zim scowling down at him, arms folded - he looked livid. Dib sniffled and looked away. He couldn't face those eyes any more, they weren't the ones he'd grown used to.
"This is how it should be. You grovelling and snivelling at my feet, not the other way around." Zim looked down at him, wiping his mouth once more to rid his lips of the taste of human. He couldn't help but feel like he should be getting more satisfaction than he was at seeing the boy so crumpled and defeated. He knew the sight used to bring him joy, but now he found it made him somewhat uncomfortable. He grabbed Dib roughly dragging him up to his feet so that he could bind the boy's wrists together behind his back. He walked his prisoner in silence back to the container, releasing his wrists before throwing him back into the tube and locking it down once more.
"I won't make the same mistake twice." He warned bitterly through the glass. "Try anything like that again and I will bite your lip right off." He waited for some kind of response but the Dib merely slumped to the floor, turning his back on Zim and huddling up as best he could under his coat once more. Zim's anger prickled but he shook it off, turning away.
"I have to go and fix my pak legs now thanks to you." Why was he explaining himself? He shook his head and left the human in silence.
Warm skin, soft delicate lips brushing against his own, arms pulling him close. Gentle fingers caressed his antennae so caringly, and suddenly an alien tongue was in his mouth. Such a familiar scent, and a feeling of belonging and security.
Zim opened his eyes. It took him a moment to find his bearings in the dark space as he sat up slowly. The room he was in wasn't soft blue colours and comfortable bedding like the one he'd just been dreaming, but dark hues of red and purple, everything cold and sharp and metallic. He shook his head sleepily trying to find his senses.
He'd just been grabbing a few hours of rest before his Tallests arrived so that he was fresh-faced, but somehow he just felt more tired. Why had he been dreaming of the Dib creature? He was sure it was a memory, but it was from when his inhibitor was inactive so he couldn't make any sense out of it. He could think of his actions, of every move they'd both made but he just couldn't fathom why or what he'd been feeling. The Dib had tried the lip pressing thing on him before and he hadn't liked it. But had he before? He must have if he'd let him. He felt so very confused. Perhaps his brain had been trying to work it out while he was asleep, while his pak was on standby.
'You must feel something. I know you do, that's why you can't kill me.'
Why hadn't he killed the Dib? He had told himself that he wanted the boy to suffer as punishment for betraying Zim, but was that really it? It was time he worked this out. For some reason he couldn't stop thinking about the Dib, but whenever he did all he felt was confusion. It was out of instinct that he didn't kill him, it just didn't feel right to. But it wasn't like he felt affection, or want for him. He didn't feel happy when he was near him or looked at him.
By Irk, he really had to sort his head out before his Tallests got here, he so wanted to please them. That triggered a new thought. What was it that he felt for his Tallests? Like didn't really come into it, it wasn't his place. It didn't matter what he thought of them – that was irrelevant, they were his leaders regardless of his personal opinions. What he did feel though was respect, a desire to serve and protect… loyalty. His stomach dropped sickeningly. That was similar to what he felt towards the Dib. But why should he feel loyal towards the human? Was that why he was keeping him here? He thought of the coming invasion. Had he been keeping the human in his base to subconsciously protect him?
Zim growled in frustration at himself. He was still mad at the boy, but now knowing he couldn't kill him made him feel stressed. He couldn't have his Tallests find him keeping a pet human, that just wouldn't do. He was going to have to figure out what to do with the nuisance.
Before he had even realised where he was headed he was on his feet and approaching the containment chamber once more. It had been at least a day or two since the incident, and Zim hadn't been in since. He'd deliberately kept himself busy and preoccupied. He'd spent most of the time fixing his mangled pak legs, the human had really messed them up. Loath as he was to admit it though, he was impressed that the Dib had been able to operate his base like that.
The boy was still huddled up on the floor, leaning against the glass wall. He was sleeping but his face didn't look peaceful at all. Zim crouched down next to the tube to get a closer look at him. Dib shivered suddenly in his sleep, his eyes scrunching tighter shut. Was it cold in here? Zim couldn't tell. Maybe it was for a human. The boy was certainly very pale save for where blood stained his face around his injured mouth. The wound glistened grotesquely. Dib looked more pathetic than he'd ever seen him before.
Zim exhaled and rested his head against the glass, closing his eyes for a moment. Try as he might he just couldn't see a solution to this problem. He couldn't be loyal to both the Dib and his Tallests, it just wasn't possible. Once the planet was invaded the Dib would be taken too, there was nowhere he could hide him that he wouldn't be found. Besides Zim would be too busy to look after him, he was sure the Tallests would want to deploy him to a new planet right away. All of mankind would be slain. Perhaps some might be enslaved, but was that really better? It was certainly no life.
Zim slowly opened his eyes and found amber ones looking straight back at him. He felt a jolt of shock but couldn't move, a rabbit caught in headlights. Dib hadn't moved either, he was just staring back at him mystified. The silence hung thickly in the air and finally Zim caved, hurrying to his feet. He brushed himself down self-consciously and folded his arms, feeling irritated at having been caught looking at the Dib-thing and refusing now to meet his gaze.
However as Dib began to get to his feet Zim couldn't help but turn and look as the boy wobbled about, leaning heavily against the glass for support. The boy leaned his forehead against the glass near Zim, continuing to stare.
"What are you looking at?" Zim complained, feeling unnerved. Dib shrugged weakly.
"You started it." His voice was small and croaky. The boy looked so pained, Zim could see his legs shaking. Dib sighed, giving in and turning away – what was the point. Zim's antenna quirked, noticing how the fight had completely left the human. Dib dropped himself clumsily back to the floor, leaning back against the glass.
"What's wrong with you?" Zim asked irritably.
"This is what happens when you don't have any food or water." Dib muttered sullenly, trying to get himself comfortable on the cold, hard ground.
"Ugh…" Zim moaned, throwing his head back in exasperation. "Humans need so much sustenance."
Dib looked up in surprise as Zim walked promptly away without another word. Maybe he should have tried being nicer. He knew it almost definitely wouldn't have made any difference, but he regretted it now. Even fighting with Zim was better than the emptiness of this cell. He was starting to go stir crazy, anxiety and dehydration taking their toll. Even so he soon lost consciousness, too weary even to keep his eyes open.
Dib jerked awake what felt like only seconds later, though it could have been hours, or even days for all he knew. Zim had thrown a bag onto the console nearby and was now hitting keys typing some command into the computer. He yelped in surprise as the tube flew up from behind his back and into the ceiling once more, and again he fell inelegantly backwards where it had been supporting him.
"Why are you letting me out this time?" Dib asked warily. He wanted to sound angrier than he did, but he was just too grateful to be out of that damn thing.
Zim said nothing, but pointed to the brown paper bag on the counter. Dib stumbled to his feet and shakily made his way over to the desk. He peered cautiously into the bag, expecting some kind of nasty trick. His eyes bugged in surprise as his eyes fell upon food – there was a sandwich, a bottle of water and even some candy. He turned to Zim questioningly his mouth agape, but was speechless.
"What are you waiting for? I thought you were hungry?" Zim frowned back at him.
That was all the confirmation Dib needed. He plopped himself down in a chair at the console and eagerly grabbed the bottle of water first. His throat was raw, and the cool fluid felt so good. It stung a bit as it washed over the crusted blood on his lip where Zim had bitten him. Damn, that was going to be a problem. He was so hungry he felt like he could stuff the sandwich in his mouth whole, but it was going to be painful trying to eat it. He tore off a little bite, wincing as the action pulled at his sore skin. The bread tasted so good but the crusty edges were murder to his injured mouth.
Zim watched the Dib curiously, and was about to question the boys hesitation. Had he not chosen right? He had no idea what flavours the human liked but he couldn't care less, he could eat it or starve. The creature should be grateful he was getting fed at all. But then he realised it was because he was physically struggling with his wounded lip. Zim really had done quite a number on him. He felt a little smug, but the feeling soon faded. Zim shuddered in disgust as the human's fresh blood stained his food. Zim sighed and got to his feet.
"Come with me." He instructed firmly. Dib looked worriedly at him and clutched his sandwich tighter. "You can bring the sandwich." Zim rolled his eyes impatiently.
Nervously Dib got to his feet, tightly gripping his bag of food as though someone would take it from him at any moment. He staggered along the corridor after Zim, nibbling at small bits of food along the way. What was about to happen to him now? Zim was acting so strangely. What reason could he possibly have for feeding him?
Dib lurched clumsily onwards not really taking in his surroundings, so when they reached their destination he looked up in surprise – it was the medical bay. Dib paused uncertain what he was supposed to do as Zim went straight to the control panel and began entering commands. When he was done Zim turned around and saw the boy just standing there dopily gawking at him.
"Sit." He commanded brusquely, pointing at the bed in the centre of the room. Dib obediently perched on the edge, still feeling very nervous. Zim marvelled again at how defeated the Dib was. Crushing the soul out of these beings was so very easy. He walked over to the human, feeling a small trill of gratification at seeing the boy flinch as his sudden closeness. He took the boys chin in his claws, angling it so that he could lean in close and inspect the damage.
"So fragile." He muttered disapprovingly to himself. Dib felt his heart pound at the sudden intimacy of the moment. Zim's face was so close all of a sudden that he could feel his cool breath on his face. Dib stared at his smooth green lips, feeling the heat rise in his cheeks. And then just as quickly Zim was gone again, moving back over to the controls. He had to remind himself that Zim had no idea how personal that moment had been. The Irken probably couldn't even comprehend the concept of intimacy anymore. It hurt that Zim felt nothing in that small moment that had Dib's heart racing, he hadn't even noticed Dib's reaction. He felt his eyes well up. He couldn't seem to stop crying lately, it was so frustrating.
Zim walked back over with the correct tool in hand, but stopped short when he noticed the water starting to spill from the boys eyes.
"What is it now?" He asked impatiently.
"It's nothing." Dib wiped at his face angrily though more tears just replaced them, rolling down his cheeks and mixing with the blood still on his face. Zim's face pinched in repulsion.
"Stop snivelling, the pain won't last long. It won't be half as bad as when I fixed your ribs." Zim told him as he switched the tool on.
"It's not that, the pain doesn't bother me." Dib muttered sulkily, not meeting Zim's eye as the Irken took hold of his face once more, tilting it towards the light as he began sealing the wound. Dib was actually glad when the pain started. Having Zim take hold of his face once more was almost more than he could bear, and the pain distracted him focusing his mind away from Zim's closeness. Why was he doing this, was he just toying with him? Was Zim even aware of the pain he was causing him? It didn't seem so, but then why would he bother to help him if he didn't care?
"Why are you crying then?" Zim's voice brought Dib back out of his musings.
"What's the point of explaining, you don't even understand why people cry at all do you?" Dib said bitterly, wincing as the tool neared the sensitive edge of his lip. Zim's antennae quivered angrily.
"Humans cry when they are hurting, mentally or physically."
"But you don't understand how it feels. To need to cry because you're hurting." Dib added.
"Why is that bad? Look at you, you're miserable. What's the point of being unhappy if you don't have to be?" Zim paused, lowering the tool for a moment, genuinely interested in the Dib's response. He would love to understand what it was that had made him keep the inhibitor off for so long.
"Does that mean you're happy now?" Dib finally met Zim's eyes with this question. He was almost too afraid to ask it, but he desperately wanted to know. Zim scowled back him, frustrated at the Dib's evasion of his own question.
"Happy isn't important. Irkens don't need to be happy, they just need to do their jobs." Zim took up the tool once more, "Now hold still and stop talking. This bit is going to hurt." Before Dib could protest Zim hooked a claw in his mouth, pulling the lip out so that he could get the tool to the torn up inside. Dib only had a moment to be stunned by the claw in his mouth before the real pain began. He trembled with the strain of trying not to flinch away, doing his best to sit as still as possible.
Finally it was done and Zim pulled away, wiping his claw in revulsion against the bed. Dib sat a moment trying to catch his breath, trembling.
"Better?" Zim asked bluntly. Dib felt his lip nervously. It tingled still, but the pain was easing rapidly. He could feel the smooth patches where Zim's sharp teeth had done their damage. He wondered briefly what it looked like – was that another scar he would bear for the rest of his life? He'd have fun trying to explain that one. Then he remembered his current predicament and how little it mattered in the grand scheme of things. Dib nodded curtly, using the bottom of his shirt to wipe his face clean of tears and blood.
"You can finish eating now." Zim reminded him. Dib reached for his sandwich with somewhat less enthusiasm than before, but after the first bite he recalled just how hungry he was and quickly wolfed it down.
Zim watched absent-mindedly as the boy finished eating. His question had struck a bit of nerve in him. Was he happy? It seemed a bit of an abstract concept. What was happy exactly? He thought it was success, achievement, so maybe when his Tallests arrived and he had impressed them with his magnificent invention then he would feel happy.
"Why are you helping me?" Dib asked, interrupting Zim's thoughts. He saw Zim falter at his question, but couldn't understand why. To be honest he was still waiting for the catch, for it all to be a nasty trick.
Zim genuinely didn't know what to say to the boy. He didn't want him to know about his mysterious feelings of loyalty, he didn't even understand them himself.
"Well? I thought you hated me? Why go from kicking the shit out of me and locking me up to feeding and healing me?" Dib felt his confidence increase at Zim's uncertainty, that and the sugar rush he was getting from finally eating.
"I don't know okay." Zim snapped. He didn't need to hear these questions asked out loud when he was already thinking them.
"I thought you didn't care?"
"I don't!" Zim yelled, and he meant it.
"Then why are you acting like you do?"
"Did you want to starve to death in that container?"
"Obviously not, but you still haven't explained why you didn't want me to!"
With that Zim lost his patience, grabbing Dib by his top and dragging him out of the room. He didn't want to have this conversation, he'd had enough.
"Why won't you answer me? Huh?" Dib persisted, struggling awkwardly along behind Zim as he was yanked down the corridor.
"I liked you better when you were starving and weak," Zim grumbled.
"Then why didn't you leave me that way?!"
Finally Zim's tolerance shattered. He stopped and slammed Dib fiercely against the wall, his top bunched up in his claws.
"Look, if you think that this is working out like some kind of fairy tale and my feelings for you are coming back miraculously just because you forced your lips against mine then it's not! I don't care about you! I don't feel anything for you!" Zim yelled in his face, trying to convince himself just as much as the Dib.
"Then kill me." Dib said seriously, and Zim's eyes widened in surprise, his grip loosening a little.
"You want to die?" Zim asked in confusion.
"I do if this is it now. If all of humanity really is doomed. If you really don't feel anything for me. Then I have nothing left to live for. You're just going to put me back in that fucking tube aren't you? So why keep me alive? So you can keep me as your prisoner, as your pet? So you can break me and then fix me so you can break me again? I'm already broken! Everything's broken…" Dib trailed off as fresh tears escaped his eyes. "If this is punishment for what I did, I'm sorry. You know I am. Just stop toying with me! I can't take it anymore, please just kill me. I can't go back in that cell… please…"
Zim looked at the Dib in bewilderment. It wasn't a concept his pak could process, wanting to die. It was so hardwired in him to survive, by any means necessary. Zim sighed, releasing his grip.
"You know I can't kill you." Zim looked at him sternly. Dib looked at him in surprise, amazed to hear Zim admit the truth. "And it really isn't because I have feelings for you. I don't know what you've done to me, but somehow I just can't. It's instinctive, my gut just tells me not to do it. So there, you got your answer." It wasn't the whole truth, but Zim was probably going to regret saying this much. When had he gotten so soft?
Dib didn't know if this made him feel much better. It was something, but it didn't really help.
"So… what now?" Dib asked nervously, feeling he knew what the answer would be. Zim looked at him ruefully. "Please don't." Dib whispered, closing his eyes in despair.
Zim pondered his options. It felt kind of wrong to lock the boy back up in his cell after all this, and it clashed against his feeling of loyalty. He wouldn't dream of locking his Tallests up, so why would he do it to the Dib? He couldn't just let the Dib free though, he would try to stop his plans and probably mess up everything. He couldn't let him wander his base either, he couldn't be trusted not to escape. Zim knew how well the boy knew his lab and how well he could work Irken technology. So if he didn't lock him back up he was going to have to supervise him constantly. Well, at least he didn't have anything else to do until the Tallests arrived.
"What do you want to do?" Zim muttered eventually. Dib looked up in surprise. This was not at all the response he had expected.
"To be honest, sleep." Dib chuckled wearily.
"More?" Zim looked at him cynically.
"It wasn't exactly restful sleep I was getting in that freezing metal tube you locked me in. I couldn't even lie down properly in there." Dib complained.
"So needy." Zim berated. Great, because what he wanted to do was watch the human sleep for hours on end, he thought sarcastically. At least it would keep him out of trouble. Zim huffed in exasperation, and began walking in the opposite direction. Dib stared blankly after him for a moment uncomprehendingly before hurrying to catch up.
"So where are we going now?" Dib tried, but Zim ignored him, not even bothering to look back.
Eventually they reached a smaller room than all the others, and to his surprise it was actually one Dib didn't recall having seen before. It was dimly lit, with a small platform to one side and the usual screens and console on the other, though they were much smaller and simpler than in the other rooms.
"These are my resting chambers, you can sleep there." Zim motioned to the platform before moving to sit at his desk. It was so simple that Dib hadn't at first realised it could be a bed, but he supposed Irkens didn't sleep all that often. It felt intimate to Dib that Zim should offer up his own bed to him, but he knew that Zim probably wouldn't even consider a bed to be a personal thing. It was logical - that was where he slept, and Dib had asked to sleep.
Dib approached the platform apprehensively, trying to remind himself just to be grateful. It was mostly flat, but where humans would have pillows and then perhaps a head board, the platform simply curved upwards. He presumed this was to support the head and compensate for the Irken's pak. He sat down on the surface testing its comfort – it wasn't so bad. It was very minimally padded, but it was still heaps comfier than the cold metal floor and glass wall he had been sleeping against so it was a big step up.
"Is there not any blankets or anything?" He criticised. Zim's base was so cold.
Zim glanced sheepishly to a corner of the room. He was ashamed to admit it, but the bedding that he had created for Dib when he had stayed on the couch lay there he knew. He recalled the night that it had all begun to go wrong between them, when he had stabbed the Dib in the shoulders with his spider legs. He had been so distraught, and he had found comfort in that bedding because it reminded him of the Dib's bed, and also still held his scent. That memory seemed such a world away. How silly to take comfort from such a pointless inanimate object. Still, the boy didn't need to know why they were down here.
Thankfully Dib didn't need telling and followed Zim's gaze to the corner. He was surprised to see a duvet there, discarded in the corner. He was sure it was the same one he'd slept with that one time. He got up and went to grab it, pleased to find the pillows here too.
"I don't know how you can sleep without any bedding. Don't you like being comfortable?" Dib said as he carried them over and began to make himself comfy.
"Not important." Zim mumbled without turning around.
Dib shook his head – he should have known that would be the answer. He lay down and felt his eyelids grow heavy almost instantly. He bundled himself up tight in the duvet, smiling as he thought of the last time they had cuddled up under them on the couch. They still smelt of Zim a bit, and Dib caught himself inhaling the scent deeply. It shouldn't bring him comfort but it still did, and it soon lulled him off to sleep.
Zim relaxed a little as he heard the humans breathing deepen. That meant no more annoying questions for a while, he could finally get some peace and quiet. He brought up the details of the drill to monitor its progress and began checking that everything was running correctly, running several fairly unnecessary diagnostics for the lack of anything better to do.
Zim was quite engrossed in some lines of data when the Dib began moving about restlessly. Zim groaned in annoyance. It hadn't even been an hour yet, he'd been sure the Dib would be out for longer than this. He turned around expecting to see the human getting up, but found he was still sound asleep. He was just tossing and turning, fussing as per usual. Zim scowled and turned back to his computer. A short while later the Dib began making small noises in his sleep. Zim growled in frustration, his concentration shot. He couldn't focus on his work with all this noise and distraction. He stormed over to the bed in irritation.
He looked down at the boy's face. It was scrunched up tight as if the human were in pain, and beads of sweat were forming on his skin. How gross, Zim thought. He couldn't handle the annoying noises the Dib was continuing to make, he was going to have to wake him up to tell him to be quiet. Zim perched on the bed so that he could reach over and shake the boy awake, but no sooner had he touched the boys arm than had Dib rolled over towards him and grabbed at his wrist.
Zim's eyes widened in shock and he was about to yell out angrily, but he soon realised Dib was still asleep. He watched as Dib pulled his arm in close to his chest, clutching it possessively. He didn't look pained any more, but instead a peacefulness had been restored to him. Zim huffed in aggravation but conceded. At least the boy was being quiet now, and the diagnostics could run themselves. Zim pulled the rest of his body onto the bed and tried to make himself comfortable, fitting his pak comfortably into the curve as he lay on his back. No sooner had he done this than he found Dib wriggling closer to his body. He stiffened warily, but the boy stopped before he encroached too much on his personal space, simply snuggling his face against his upper arm and hugging it closer.
Zim tried to make himself relax. This was so wrong, imagine if his Tallests could see this. How would he explain it? They would certainly kill anything that rivalled his loyalty to them. But did it? His loyalty to his Tallests was simple, logical. They were his superiors, and it was obligatory. That's why he couldn't comprehend his loyalty to the Dib though – it wasn't logical. He had absolutely no reason to feel this way, in fact quite the opposite considering the way Dib had betrayed him. Perhaps it was instinctive due to the boy's height? That was a distinct possibility, he mused.
He scowled at the ceiling in frustration. Having his inhibitor back on was supposed to make everything simple again, so why wasn't it? At least it didn't hurt any more he supposed. He pulled tetchily at the boys iron grip on his arm, trying to loosen it a little. The Dib was so damn needy – humans were useless. Regardless of his taller stature there was nothing about him to feel inferior to, no Irken no matter how short would ever bow before a dumb human.
Zim soon grew tired of trying to puzzle it out, and decided to get some extra rest. Hopefully this time his sleep would be peaceful and clear of confusing dreams.
Dib stirred some time later. His first thought was that he felt quite stiff from the hard, unforgiving bed, but he still felt better rested than he had in a while. Even an Irken bed felt like bliss after trying to sleep in that tube. The second thing he became aware of was that he couldn't see. No, that wasn't right – it was just that his face was pressed against something warm. He drew his head back and tried to focus on what was in front of him.
His heart nearly stopped when he realised it was Zim's arm, and that the Irken was lying on the bed next to him. When the fuck had that happened? Dib carefully peeled his grip away from the arm, frightened of waking Zim and invoking his wrath. He took a deep breath to calm himself, and sat up carefully.
It was so strange to see Zim sleeping, it was amazing how much it changed him. When he was awake he seemed to have a permanent frown on his face – at least since turning the inhibitor back on that was. But now his expression was so soft, his mouth hanging ever so slightly open, his chest rising and falling peacefully. It was like back before he had turned it back on, and Dib couldn't help but smile at how sweet he looked.
Suddenly Zim shifted, and Dib panicked that he was going to wake up and catch him staring at him. What he wasn't expecting was for Zim to roll off his back and towards him, his arm reaching about dopily for the hold it had lost. Zim's brow crinkled in his sleep, and he made tiny mewling sounds that just made him even cuter to Dib. Dib knew it would probably get him in trouble, but he couldn't resist the urge to reach for the hand that clawed at the bed. His heart skipped a beat as their fingers intertwined and Zim seemed to be at peace once more.
Maybe there was hope for them yet, Dib smiled. Zim seemed to be having doubts today, maybe there was a small chance he could convince him to turn the inhibitor back off? He glanced at Zim's pak wondering briefly if he could do it himself, but quickly discarded that idea. He'd got in more than enough trouble with Zim already. He noticed a blinking light on the pak, which reminded him of a computer on standby. Was it possible that while he was asleep the pak and henceforth the inhibitor were switched off?
"D… Dib…" Zim mumbled in his sleep, barely audible. Dib gasped, a blush forming on his cheeks. He lay back down facing Zim, their faces close and their clasped hands between them. Dib marvelled at how perfectly Zim's claws seemed to fit between his fingers, despite being so different.
"Zim…" Dib sighed, his gaze drawing back up to the Irken's face, and lingering on his lips. "I wish you knew how much I love you." He whispered.
Before he knew what he was doing Dib leaned over to plant a gentle kiss on Zim's lips. His heart pounded as he felt Zim respond, and before he knew it his tongue was in Zim's mouth, feeling once more that beautifully strange alien tongue. It was a slow and passionate kiss, one that Dib thought he would never feel again.
Just as it was starting to get heated he felt Zim groan and shift, bringing Dib to his senses. Quick as a flash he rolled himself over facing away from Zim, pulling his fingers from the Irkens claws. He pulled the sheets up to hide his blazing cheeks and waited anxiously. He felt Zim sit up, waiting for some kind of angry yell or attack… but nothing happened. He sensed Zim lie back down and cautiously turned to peek. Zim was lying with his pak back against the curve again, but his eyes were open. He stared ahead, frowning lightly. Dib was dying to know what was going through his head.
Zim was in fact feeling incredibly embarrassed. He'd just been having another one of those awful dreams again, one where the Dib was mashing his face against his own. He knew the Dib couldn't know that but he still felt guilty and terrified of getting caught out. He suddenly became aware of a pair of eyes peeking at him from under the duvet. Shit… had the boy seen something? Dib's eyes widened as Zim looked right at him.
"Hey," Dib said in a tiny voice, feeling self-conscious and not sure what else to say. Zim simply narrowed his eyes at the boy. Dib tried to gather his confidence. He had to give talking Zim around one last shot. They were running out of time so it was now or never. "How come you got into bed with me?" Dib asked as he emerged from the duvet, rolling back over so that he was facing Zim.
"I was tired." Zim lied, turning his gaze back to the ceiling. First words out of the boys mouth and he was already being annoying. "It is my bed after all." Dib didn't buy it, but tried to ignore Zim's cold response.
"I'm sorry I was sorta… clinging on to your arm in my sleep." Dib confessed.
"It's fine." Zim replied bluntly.
"Really?" Dib looked at him in shock, and Zim turned back to him questioningly. "I just thought… I thought you'd be mad that's all." Zim didn't say anything, and just returned his gaze to the ceiling once more. Dib thought for a moment before proceeding, trying to be delicate. "You were so mad at me before, but you don't seem it anymore."
"I am still mad at you." Zim said quickly.
"You're not acting like it."
"Do you want me to be mad at you?" Zim bristled. Not this stupid argument again.
"No of course not! I was just wondering what had changed."
"Punishing you helped I guess. Maybe I should do it some more." Zim grumbled, folding his arms.
"Zim… you do know how sorry I am don't you?" Dib said sincerely.
"I already told you, your apologies don't mean anything to me."
"Even so. I wanted you to know that I realise how badly I must have hurt you to make you want to turn your inhibitor back on. I'd do anything to change what I did. Anything." Dib waited anxiously for Zim's response.
"You can't change it though." Zim's cold words cut through him like a knife. There was silence for a time as they both brooded over their own thoughts.
"You admitted you can't kill me," Dib knew he was on thin ice bringing this back up so he spoke carefully, "You said it was instinctive, because of something I'd done. But you still have all those memories. Don't you know why you can't kill me? You should."
Zim thought about this for a moment. He was mad at this subject being poked at again, but in all honesty he wanted to know the answer himself. Maybe he should talk to the Dib about it. He was probably the only one with the answers.
"I can remember it all. But it all seems so… surreal. Like it happened to someone else. Those memories don't make any sense to me anymore." Dib's heart sank at Zim's words. "But…" Dib looked up in surprise, "I do have another feeling for you." Zim admitted awkwardly. "The only thing I can liken it to is my feeling of loyalty that I have towards my Tallests." Dib's jaw nearly hit the ground, butterflies swirling in his stomach.
"You… you feel loyalty to me?" Dib was astonished by this revelation. It explained why Zim hadn't been able to kill him, and why he'd eventually released, fed and healed him. He knew he shouldn't get too excited, but it was so much more than he had expected from the conditioned Irken.
"I suppose it's only logical. Clearly we had some sort of friendship when I could feel other things. All of those other emotions have been removed so that friendship no longer means anything to me, but there still seems to be some sort of residual obligation from having had that bond, even if it doesn't make sense anymore. The inhibitor doesn't change feelings it removes those we don't need. Turning it back on was never going to make me hate you." Zim attempted to explain, the truth suddenly tumbling unbidden from his mouth.
"Loyalty is important to an Irken. But it's not meant to be for anyone other than our own race. I never would have developed it for you in the first place if you hadn't deactivated my inhibitor." Zim grimaced. He could see the human still smiling giddily from the corner of his eye. "It's not going to do you any good though, so you can wipe that stupid smile off your face. I'll never feel more loyal to you than I do to my Tallests, and when they get here you're going to wish that I had just killed you." Zim finished coldly. "I might not hate you but I can't like you either. With the inhibitor on it's just not possible."
He locked eyes with Dib. The human looked so hurt and moisture was gathering in his eyes, but Zim simply frowned back unmoved. Just when Dib thought his heart couldn't break any more he kept being proven wrong. He felt a lump forming in his throat and tried to choke back the urge to start sobbing.
"Zim… I-" Dib began his voice thick, but they both fell silent at the sound of doors opening somewhere down the corridor and loud urgent footsteps.
"What the…" Zim sprang up in a flash, his antennae standing on end.
"Irken Zim, show yourself!" He heard the Irken voices echoing down the corridor. They were close.
"Quickly, take those sheets and get under the bed!" Zim whispered urgently to Dib.
"But Zim-" Dib began to protest but Zim cut him off.
"NOW! You can't let them see you, they'll kill you on sight!" Zim hissed.
Dib quickly bundled himself up inside the duvet and wriggled beneath the bed, leaving a gap in the sheets for him to peek through. He could just make out Zim's booted feet as he walked briskly over to the door and opened it.
"Guards, what is the meaning of this? I would have happily come aboard the Massive-" Zim began formally, but he didn't get to finish. Dib heard a sickening thwunk, and suddenly his eyes met with Zim's as the Irken hit the ground hard. Zim's expression was pained, a look of terror that turned Dib's blood to ice as their eyes locked. Dib made to get up, desperate to try and help but he stopped short as Zim shook his head at him briefly, his eyes imploring him to stay put.
Dib watched in horror as one of the guards put his foot harshly on Zim's back to hold him down as he clipped some sort of device over Zim's pak, and cuffed his wrists together behind his back. Dib could feel himself trembling so hard he was surprised the Irkens couldn't hear it. He had to do something, he just had to! He couldn't let this happen! But Zim's eyes kept him rooted to the spot, never once leaving his. Without warning one of the guards drove his weapon down ruthlessly hard across Zim's head and the Irken fell limp, his eyes turning empty.
Dib had to clap a hand to his mouth to stop himself from yelling out. The brutality of the scene was nauseating. He could do nothing but watch, helpless as his precious alien was dragged mercilessly away, leaving a thin trail of blood in his wake.
A/N: This was a tough one. I wanted Zim to not just be a total heartless bastard but I felt I was constantly walking a fine line of making sure he wasn't getting emotional, I hope I pulled it off okay. It's very tempting to get carried away and start writing fluff. The urge to write fluff is so strong D: I felt I had some leeway as he's never been not-defective before, so it wasn't like he was just going to go back to being super crazy. That's why loyalty is the best way for him to describe his non negative feelings. He needs to act conditioned, but not dumb, but still feel like Zim… it was tough basically. I like the idea that when he's sleeping his pak goes onto standby like a computer, and maybe that means when he's asleep the inhibitor is also on standby, so he gets crazy emotional dreams that confuse the fuck out of him when he wakes up. Ha.
I hope this didn't turn out too rambly, it did start to feel like I was to-ing and fro-ing between them a lot, but then I suppose that's a fairly realistic representation of when you fall out with someone. :P Anyway thanks for reading! x