A/N: Thank you all for being patient with me. I literally want to bang my head on the the table for allowing myself to wait so long between posts. All I can say was that I was kind of stuck on how to proceed and then I went through a season of funk. I won't bore you with the details of that...
I hope you enjoy this chapter. I enjoyed writing it. :) Oh, and sorry for any mistakes. Hopefully there aren't too many of those. If there are, kindly point those out and I will correct it. Thanks!
Without further ado...
Chapter 9 Dead Man Walking
Dean flipped bacon and gazed out the window in Cas' kitchen. His kitchen. Cas constantly reminded him that this house was now his home as much as it was Cas'. The last few weeks had flown by in a way even though there had been days that had dragged by endlessly. After a week of being at Uncle Bobby's, they had officially moved Dean to Castiel's house. Of course, Dean didn't have a whole lot of belongings so it really just consisted of a couple of duffle bags.
He started to work on the pancakes he was making for their breakfast as he thought about how scared he had been to move. He had just known that being in Cas' home would be when the true Cas would reveal himself.
So far, that hasn't been the case. Cas has been the same since the very beginning. Patient. Kind.
Selfless.
Dean was actually starting to believe that Cas really was who he seemed to be. That his goodness was true and not some act to gain Dean's trust. He still worried that it was all some elaborate game that the Dom was playing to gain Dean's trust only to use and abuse him.
Dean enjoyed cooking. So far, Cas had allowed him to eat whatever he cooked. Only a few times had his stomach been upset, but Cas figured it was because Dean wasn't used to eating some of the more fatty foods. He had been on a pretty strict diet...no. Don't think of him. Think of something else. Something else. Anything else.
Hamburgers. He absolutely loved hamburgers. He was pretty good at grilling them too. Dean didn't think he could eat too many of them. Cas also loved eating the burgers. Dean flushed with heat as he thought about the butterflies he gets in his belly whenever Cas compliments his culinary skills.
Hell, who was he kidding. Anytime Cas complimented him he got those damn butterflies. It was damn embarrassing what a little bit of praise from Cas would do to Dean...and what was even more embarrassing was that Cas seemed to know it.
Dean was plating breakfast when Cas walked in from his morning shower. He walked over to Dean and touched his face with the back of his hand before leaning forward to kiss his cheek. Dean felt like goo everytime Cas did that.
"Breakfast smells wonderful, Dean." Damn butterfies. Before Dean could reply, Cas continued as he motioned toward a chair. "Please sit." It was a smaill table and usually sat across from each other. It made Dean uncomfortable because it was harder to avoid those searing blue eyes. Dean swore that Cas could see his very soul with that gaze of his. He sat with his hands in his lap and waited for Cas to get settled. Cas took a bite of his eggs, and motioned toward Dean in a manner that Dean took for permission to eat.
He knew he didn't need permission to eat from Cas. They had discussed it, but in the end Cas understood that some things Dean just needed. Cas had just said that he understood and said something about time and baby steps that Dean can't really remember because he was just relieved that Cas understood his need for permission.
"Dean, I don't want to upset your routine but beginning tonight prior to bed I would like to do something different."
Dean has sort of developed a routine during the last couple of weeks, and that routine grounded him. He needed to know how his day was going to go before he started it, and he was glad that Cas understood that too. Dean did the same things every day at the same time. It was just how he did things. Now Cas was wanting to add something before bed. Whatever it was he would do it. Dean knew this day was coming.
Cas put down his fork, took a drink of his orange juice, and wiped his mouth with his napkin. "Dean, please don't be alarmed. I promise you that nothing more will happen between us until we have established clearly what your soft and hard limits are." Dean released pent up breath that he didn't even realize he was holding. "You have to understand though that we have to actually talk about things in order for me to learn what those limits are. Which is what I would like for us to do tonight. So tonight when you go upstairs to do you nightly bedtime routine, instead of getting in bed like you have been doing, I want you do try something different." Dean gulped. "It is your choice and whatever you choose to do I will be pleased with either way. Do you understand?"
"Yes, sir." Dean was glad his voice came out stronger than he felt. This was the moment he had been waiting for; then moment when his Dom would demonstrate who he really was.
Cas smiled gently at Dean. It was like he knew what Dean was thinking. "Remember this is your choice. How you choose will please me no matter what, and if you choose differently tomorrow night at bedtime then I will be pleased with that choice as well. Instead of getting into bed, I want you to wait for me. You can do that one of two ways. You may sit in the chair in our room and wait for me. All I ask is that you do not lean back in the chair to ensure you do not fall asleep waiting for me." Dean was confused. He expected something...sexual. Of course, he had yet to tell Dean his other option.
"Or you may kneel." Dean's eyes shot up to Cas' because this was not what he was expecting. "You may use a pillow if you choose that option."
Dean shook his head, but not in refusal. He was just bewildered. Confused.
"Dean, listen to me. How you choose to wait for me tonight is completely up to you. If you choose to sit tonight then kneel tomorrow night, I will be completely ok with that. You will understand more tonight when we talk, and we will only be talking. Just know that I didn't tell you this right now for you to obssess over all day, even though I know that you will. I told you this so that you know what to expect tonight. I know how you value your routine."
Dean nodded as he looked down at his plate of barely touched food. His stomach was a bundle of nerves. "Yes, sir."
"I should have waited until after you ate your food to say something. I apologize if I have upset you. I promise that other than talking, nothing further will happen between us until we have establised clear limits."
Dean looked at Cas. He didn't see anything but strength and concern in the Dom's face. Dean knew that he was slowly learning to trust the Dom, but it was a process. A slow process. Over the last few weeks, Cas has continued to give Dean hand jobs upon waking in the mornings. Just thinking about those moments made Dean uncomfortably hard in his jeans. He as glad he was sitting at the table so Cas would not see.
Those hand jobs were like the greatest thing Dean had ever experienced. Waking up each morning with an orgasm that wasn't induced by his own hand was bliss. At first he was reluctant. He held back, but every time Cas coaxed that orgasm out of him with gentle touches and praise. Dean never came without having Cas' permission, but Cas always gave it to him. Every time. Cas realized after the first couple of times that Dean was holding back, trying not to beg, trying not to give Cas the satisfaction of knowing how his touch affected Dean. After that, Cas' started getting a little more demanding along with his praise. He wanted Dean to give him all his sounds and all his moans. Dean found himself giving in and then begging for release. Begging in a way that he never thought he would again, but it was different with Cas. The begging was like his very own praise for his Dom. Afterwards, Cas always cuddled him and never sought to relieve himself. Dean had felt guilty that his Dom was not getting his release, but Cas assured him that he was ok; that it was for Dean. He didn't understand it, though. Doms always came first. Literally and figuritively. Or so he had always thought.
Since he was getting the daily morning hand job, Dean wasn't as desperate for sexual release. However, he still couldn't reach orgasm on his own. He had tried a couple of times in the shower without success and was thankful he could blast the cold water from detachable shower head toward his cock in an effort to make it go away. He stopped trying and just lived with whatever sexual frustration he experienced now with the knowledge that the next morning he would be able to get off. After spending so much time with his own hand, he sort of enjoyed not touching himself at all now except out of neccessity. Cas was the only one touching his cock in a sexual manner. Somehow that thought just made him harder.
He still worried over what would happen if Cas decided to stop touching him. Dean thinks that he would die from blueballs because if Dean never orgasmed by his own hand again that would be just fine with him. He had given Cas control over his orgasms.
Cas controlled his orgasms.
Before he could panic over that thought, Cas started talking again. "Ok. So I see I have successfully freaked you out, which wasn't my intention. Dean, it is just a choice on how to wait for me and our discussion. That is it. We won't be discussing everything tonight either. It will be a process. OK?"
"Yes, sir...um it will be just a discussion about limits?"
"Yes, Dean." Cas watched Dean for a minute before nodding as though he decided on something. "Dean, I tell you what. You make your decision on how to wait for me tonight, answer a few questions for me, and I will reward you. Is that plan good with you?"
Dean wondered if he could come just from hearing Cas talk, because hearing Cas say he would give him a reward made his dick jump in his pants. "Yes, sir. That sounds good, sir."
Cas nodded. "Good. Now you need to finish eating Dean before you get started with the rest of your day."
Dean managed to eat slowly and waited for Cas to leave the table before he finally got up to clean up the kitchen with a raging hard on.
Somehow Dean didn't think it was going to go away anytime soon, but instead of it making him feel trapped, desperate, and frustrated in a bad way, it somehow felt good to be horny and sexually horny for a release that only Cas could give him. He accidently rubbed himself on the chair as he was cleaning up and then repeated the action deliberately before realizing that he was practically humping a chair pretending it was Cas' hand. He jumped away from the chair, took a deep breath, and asked himself what in the hell was wrong with him. When had he gone from dreading Cas' touch to craving it?
It was going to be a long day.
XXXXX
Castiel was going to die of blueballs regardless of all the times he got off in the shower. He started taking showers at night and in the morning just so he could jerk off in the shower. He was a Dom and should have more self control than that, but Dean had a way of testing that self control. He knew that Dean was beginning to trust him and he wanted to continue to foster that trust. After discussing everything with Missouri, she approved. She said she didn't have to know all the details, but felt that Castiel would know exactly how to proceed based on the needs of his sub. That was just how soul mates worked. She was more confident in his abilities than he was.
Cas just felt like he was going to screw something up by pushing Dean, but Missouri assured him that Dean would be able to take a little pushing if done correctly.
He had meant what he said about being pleased with however Dean chose to wait for him tonight. The idea in giving him a choice was to see where he was at in his trusting Cas.
A kneeling sub was a demonstration of trust and submission. He would be really surprised if Dean knelt for him tonight. He hoped they would get there in the future, but he was honest enough with himself to admit that having Dean kneel for him tonight would probably make him bypass the discussion and skip straight to the reward.
Of course, he gave Dean the choice of sitting. If Dean chooses that option, he will be happy too.
Ordinarily, the custom was for a sub to wait for their Dom naked but Cas knew Dean wasn't ready for that yet. It didn't stop the Dom from wishing that he would walk in to the bedroom tonight to a kneeling naked sub.
XXXXX
It had been a long day.
Dean had spend the entire day doing his usual routine of house cleaning and cooking. The idea of tonight was always on his mind. Every time he thought of the night ahead, he somehow pictured himself in the kneeling position. He had to make a special effort to think about sitting. It was rather concerning.
Did Dean want to kneel for Cas? He felt that he did, but he wondered if it was too soon. If he would regret it. He knew that once he knelt for Cas, that once he surrenderred to Cas in that way, there would be no going back.
He stressed over it all day. He had also been hard for most of the day thinking about his reward. He just had to make a decision and make it through some questions. Easier said than done.
The day had dragged by as he contemplated everything. They had at supper together, homemade burgers and fries, while watching an episode of the latest season of Dr. Sexy on Netflix. It was difficult to concentrate on the show when all he could think about was how the moment of decision was getting closer and closer. Dean cleaned up their mess once the episode was over and looked at the time. They had time for one more episode before Dean's usual shower and bedtime routine. He wasn't sure he was going to make it and knew that he had a cold shower in his future.
Their silence was awkward but it was heavy with the knowledge that something was going to change tonight. At least that was how Dean felt. He just wasn't sure if he was ready for it to change. He wished he could see his brother. He had left a couple of weeks ago for college and that had been so difficult for Dean, but Cas had been so comforting during that time. He missed his brother. It was hard having him leave when it seemed as though Dean just returned.
The episode ended with Dean not really knowing what had happened. Cas turned the TV off. "Dean, please go ahead and do what you need to while I go check emails and finish up a few things in my office. I will be up in about an hour so that should give you plenty of time, right?"
"Yes, sir." Dean nodded quickly.
Cas got up from the couch, touched Dean's cheek briefly before walking to his study.
Dean took a deep breath and made his way upstairs. He couldn't shake the feeling that he was headed toward his doom. He wondered if this is how people on death row felt. Dead man walking and all that. Then berated himself, because he wasn't losing his life. He was just taking a shower and waiting for his Dom.
He undressed and stepped into the hot shower after allowing it to heat up for a couple of minutes. He still avoided mirrors, and the steam from the shower always helped that.
He thought about what was going to follow the shower. His decision. Again, just like all day, the image of him kneeling came to mind. He shook his head even as his cock hardened at the thought of kneeling for his Dom. For the first time all day, the image was different. He was naked, where before he had always been in his sleep clothes. For a second he panicked. Was he supposed to be naked? Cas didn't say anything about stripping and waiting naked. Of course, he didn't say anything about clothes at all. Just to decide how to wait.
Was he supposed to be naked?
He decided that if Cas had wanted him naked he would have specified that.
Ignoring his hard on like usual, he picked up the shampoo and washed his hair. After that, he soaped up and rinsed off well. He never touched himself, but decided to wash there last. He soaped up and holy cow it felt good to touch himself. He thought he might explode if he continued to stroke his shaft. This was the closest to orgasm by his own hand that he had gotten since leaving Michael, but the desire to be brought to completion by his Dom outweighed the desperation to just get off. He took his hand off his erection and rinsed off. He contemplated turning the water on cold to get rid of his erection, but decided against it.
Before he could analyze that decision, he turned off the water quickly. He dried off as quickly as he could while avoiding his straining erection. Dean really hoped his reward was an orgasm. Just that thought made his cock twitch and he noticed a bead of precome at the end. He took his finger to the precome and wiped it off. He pulled on his clothes as carefully as he could but the movement against his cock made him bite back moans of pleasure and frustration.
He opened the door of the bathroom and headed toward their bedroom. He didn't hear Cas, but that was typical. He entered their bedroom and stood there contemplating his decision. Ever since this morning, he knew what his decision would be whether he was ready for it or not. With that terrifying thought, he just prayed that his Dom would know what to do and not hurt him.
He had the dead man walking thought again. He shook his head, because he wasn't dying.
He was just surrendering.