This is Rita Skeeter reporting in The Daily Owl Post. I suppose you have read The Quibbler's pet muggle interviewing Mrs Hermione Weasley. As always, the muggle-born meddler attempts to pretend that her perverted masochistic tryst with the late Mr Gallia was rape. Perhaps she truly believes that the birth of a daughter is not evidence that she could not have been raped. That muggle science mumbo-jumbo that keeps getting spouted in support of her allegations might convince the muggle-raised, but we mages know better. That is why senior government positions should be reserved for the right sort of purebloods, who understand and share our values.
One thing that really disturbs me is that her husband has formally adopted the by-product of his wife's affair. Why couldn't they have the decency to give the girl the surname FitzGallia and leave her with Mrs Weasley's parents? Should she turn out to be magical (which some might think unlikely, being the daughter of a muggle-born and a muggle), she should be discretely educated at Beauxbatons or, better still, Ilvermorny.
The Weasleys should be the archetypal pureblood family, for all Arthur Weasley's eccentric love of all cheap muggle tat. He and that hectoring harridan that he marred, however, have let their offspring breed with not only half-blood and muggle-born mages, but even a part-Veela. Fleur Weasley may have been a Tri-Wizard Competitor and I have heard some say that she is pretty (I don't see it myself) but are those any reasons for uniting with a half-breed firebird?! Readers may well think that it is not.
For all our sakes, we need to act now! The Weasleys and Potters are clearly too soiled by muggle moral filth to be leading our world into the future. It is time to award the war heroes pensions and let them move on to pursue private interests, preferably in the New World.
There are many old families who could be fine exemplars of wizard morality. It is time to give one of them the chance to show why purebloods are born to rule British wizards.
"Now will you just let me kill her?!" Hermione demanded furiously. "I could plead temporary insanity due to extreme provocation…"
"You could do that in a muggle court, Hermione," Harry agreed. "In front of the Wizengamot, you will be facing a number of the Conservative Purebloods who agree with Rita's assessment of you. Given that some of the neutrals and moderates are beginning to show signs of turning against you, I cannot guarantee that you would be acquitted.
"With all the reforms that we have introduced over the last couple of decades or so, the occasional backlash is inevitable. We thwarted the Malfoy-Umbridge takeover just less than a year ago. Are you surprised that some of the conservatives and even neutrals and moderates are responding to Rita's character assassination so positively?!"
"I suppose not, Harry. It is just so frustrating…"
"…To have to keep fighting the battles of the past. We know, darling," Ron reassured her, "but many of the Conservatives have always seen us as dangerous revolutionaries, in our own way quite as bad as Voldemort or Grindelwald. Some neutrals and moderates agree with us in principle but are worried about how far and how fast we are going.
"Perhaps Hermione and I should talk about taking an extended sabbatical after first my paternity leave and then her maternity leave end, Kingsley. We are reasonably well off and the White Council would give us both good jobs in a flash.
"With us on long-term leave from the Ministry, it should be easier for you and Harry to weather the firestorm that Rita is stoking."
"It would be a shame to lose you for the duration, Ron," Kingsley rumbled, "but your family must come first. If that is what you both want…"
"It isn't!" Hermione grumbled. "The great lump, however, is right. If this keeps up, the kids will have to be our top priority and not reforming the ministry.
"Bloody Rita Skeeter! When this is finally all over, I intend to give her the hexing of her life!"
"Thank you for seeing us," Bill said to the Gringotts' Head Goblin. "We have a formal warrant from Minister Shacklebolt and Chief Auror Potter requesting details of where The Daily Owl Post is getting its funding from. Any assistance that you can provide will be of use to the Auror Department in their inquiries.
"Fleur darling, will you show him the warrant please?" His wife produced a parchment scroll, opened it and placed it on the Head Goblin's desk. The meeting was taking place in a private office and not in the great marble main hall, with all the cashiers and open desks. Bill and Fleur had decided discretion was the order of the day, not wanting to tip off Rita and her backers that they were looking into The Daily Owl Post's finances.
"Oui, Bill mon amour."
"Thank you. As you can see, sir, everything should be in order."
"Thank you, Mr and Mrs Weasley. We shall investigate her funding stream for you. Of course, if mages would ever come up with a wizard equivalent of Companies House, this would be so much easier.
"One thing I can say is that, while there are the usual contributions from Houses such as Parkinson, Bulstrode, Nott, Fudge, McLaggen, Smith and so on, most of the funding comes from the United States. Even more interestingly, it is via regular transfers from a no-maj American bank account that our American colleagues cannot trace to any known witch or wizard."
"Why would an American muggle be bankrolling Rita Skeeter?!" Bill asked bemused.
"That makes no sense, mon amour. We must be missing something…
"Merci beaucoup for your time, sir."
"It can't be a great surprise that Rita is getting funding from no-maj America," Dean Thomas noted. The Longbottoms had invited everyone to a meal to celebrate the fact that a radiantly happy Susan had announced her pregnancy. Hannah and Neville were equally delighted. The three of them had prepared prawn cocktails to start; roast beef with Yorkshire pudding, roast potatoes, roast parsnips, carrots, suede and peas as a main; and bread and butter pudding with custard to finish.
"What do you mean, Dean?" Ron asked.
"Wednesday," Dean asked in response, "what does an intense campaign to stir up the general public into a moral panic conducted by the media remind you of? All Rita needs is to start calling The Quibbler and The Daily Prophet Fake News and open an invective-filled Twitter account…"
"You are right, mon vieux! This is pure Lee Atwater as refined by Steve Bannon!
"Everyone, the current No-Maj President of the United States is a businessman who managed to stir up a right-wing moral panic over immigration and globalisation to get himself elected. The campaign turned weaponizing the far-right press and mainstream media, plus effective use of new social media platforms, into an art form. Rita's British Wizard Strategy is brilliant in an awful way!
"Why bother with Unforgivable Curses when you can inflict the no-maj equivalent on people?! With the Imperius, you can control a handful of people, but with these techniques you can get millions to think just as you want them to…"
"That's good!" Ron cheered. "All curses have counter-curses! What is the muggle counter-curse for this?"
Dean and Wednesday exchanged bemused frowns. "Ron, mon vieux, there isn't one! All we can do is hope that either we can uncover enough to expose Rita or that something else comes along to distract the attention of all bar the hardcore Pureblood Conservatives. Until either of those happens, all we can do is try to keep our spirits up!"
"Hello everyone!" came a voice over the wizard wireless. "This is Algernon Runcorn with The Moral Mage. Our guest tonight is Rita Skeeter, editor-in-chief of…"
Hannah turned the wireless off at that point. She had a feeling that Ron or Hermione would be using blasting curses if she hadn't. Not that the Longbottoms listened to Albert Runcorn's son's pureblood rantings anyway. Rita was a regular guest on the show, which suited her vindictive gossiping.
"We even have right-wing shock jocks on the radio," Dean noted. "That is something else for Rita to exploit. Sometimes I wonder which side lost the Second War against Voldemort…!"
"Good to see you again, my pretties," Zelena gushed, as Luna, Rex and Louise came through the portal from the Dana House at Oak Falls. "I was pleased to get your text, Rex."
"Good to see you too, Zelena!" said Rex, as he and his wife pulled Zelena into a three-way hug. "Jean, Linda and Bob should be bringing Harriet here after school. Rolf should be bringing the twins over in a couple of hours.
"In the meantime, we are joining some friends in New York to follow Rita's audit trail. We would like you to join Luna in offering magical muscle should we need it."
"Of course, Rex! With Ava pregnant, she and her version of Henry asked to look after Robyn today. It is good practice for them.
"I get to spend quality time with friends and possibly curse people too! What more could a Mills girl want?!"
"Hi everyone!" said the familiar short bespectacled brunette as the party came through the portal to The Alchemists Arms from Storybrooke. "It seems like months since we last met…"
"It was two weeks ago, Velma," Rex said, hugging Velma Johnson nee Dinkley tightly. She had married J.I.G. "Jigger" Johnson, Rex's best friend since their schooldays at Sheldrake Grammar School, the summer before. Jigger himself, a short stocky redhead, was standing happily at her side. The rest of Mystery Inc were gathered around, as were the other three members of the Paranormal Investigations Bureau that Rex and Jigger were members of. Jon and Penny Warrender of the Lone Pine Club were seated on a comfortable sofa. George Jones nee Kirrin of the Famous Five was standing next to her husband Jupiter Jones of the Three Investigators. The other two Investigators, Pete Crenshaw and Bob Andrews, were also present.
"Right, gang," Fred Jones began, "when we get to the bank, this is what we shall do. We shall split up…"
"…Hunt for clues, get chased by some nutter in a monster costume, you set another inept trap and we catch the culprits entirely by accident," Jon finished for him.
"Since we are following an audit trail, this will be Jupiter, Velma and I at computer terminals, Fred. I doubt that we shall find a faked haunting at the place."
"Can we stay there if so…?"
"Nice try, Shaggy," Daphne Blake noted. "We wouldn't be that unlucky anyway…"
"Roh Roy!"
"No, Miss Blake, we have categorically not got a ghost, demon, werewolf or any other creature of the night at this branch," the manager told her sternly. "To the best of my knowledge, we don't have any at our other branches either.
"Mrs Johnson, we have confirmed that your court order is valid. We shall provide you, Mr Jones and Mr Warrender with the Wi-Fi code and passwords to allow you to access the information that you are authorised to view. Mr Jupiter Jones, that is…"
"No worries, Mr Jenkins. I'm not as nerdy as my second cousin…"
"Mr Jenkins, what my esteemed relative is endeavouring not entirely successfully to communicate verbally is that he is more gifted in regard to physicality than with technology of recent chronological development."
"I can't take you anywhere, Jupe!" George jokingly complained. "Velma, Jon, keep him out of trouble please!"
A sudden uproar came from the lobby. A cashier came running in. "Mr Jenkins, sir, this will sound crazy. I swear that it is true. There is a vampire running amok in our lobby…"
"See, gang! I knew that we would have a mystery to solve!"
"Jeepers!"
"Jinkies!"
"Zoinks!"
"Ruh-roh! Raggy, Relp!"
"Gleeps!"
"Petrified Paintpots!"
"Crystallised Cheesecakes!"
"A vampire!" Luna exclaimed brightly. "I never knew that they were customers of no-maj banks in the States.
"Zelena dear, I hope that you are as good at conjuring and throwing fireballs as your sister is…"
"How did it go, guys? Did you find any clues…?"
"It was disappointing. I was hoping to ask the vampire which Court it belonged to. Apparently, it was a disgruntled caretaker in disguise…"
"Don't worry, Sis! It almost always is when Mystery Inc are involved!"
"Really, Rex? Why would muggles in fancy dress keep pretending to be monsters?! How odd…"
"In our community, it is a regular occurrence, Luna," Louise assured her. "You are not a proper teen sleuth until you have solved your first faked haunting!"
"Zelena was awesome!" Daphne gushed. "She did her green smoke thing to get close to the villain, before knocking him out with one hell of a left hook. Luna then discretely edited the memories of the staff, customers and criminal alike so that they remember the punch and not the magic beforehand."
"She wasn't that impressive. I never got to set a trap…"
"As I said, she was awesome!
"What about you three? Did you find anything that could help?"
"Daphne, the bank account in question is regularly enhanced by significant donations via a series of financial institutions covering all continents bar Antarctica. All these accounts are in the names of various American companies, none of which officially exist. I can only assume that these are fictions devised to hide the involvement of persons or corporations who wish to conceal their identities for probable illicit motivation."
"Gleeps, Jupe!" Pete complained. "Not everyone here has learned to speak Jupiter Jones yet."
"Firstly," Jon noted, "you don't seem to have fully learned it yet, Pete. Considering that the Three Investigators solved that Terror Castle business well over half-a-century ago, you have had ample time to learn the lingo.
"Secondly, Jupiter was saying that we are dealing with bank accounts scattered around the globe, all opened in the names of non-existent American companies.
"All of these accounts have been opened with enough evidence to satisfy some very stringent rules on proof of identity. Whoever we are dealing with is a pro!"
"We will have to try a different tack then," Penny suggested brightly. "How many mysteries have we solved between us over the years? I am sure that all the great minds we have in the former young adventurer community should be able to decide on the next course of action…"
"Alternatively, we need the world's best financed Great Detective," Rex noted. "That means we get the joy of consulting Grumpy of Gotham City…"
"This entire day seems to be involving muggles in fancy dress. It must be the wrackspurts. Nobody would behave so strangely otherwise…"
"Luna, dear," Rex began, "have you heard that old saying about people in glass houses and throwing stones?!"
"No, Rex. That would be a silly thing to say. Nobody lives in greenhouses, unless they are plants. Even if they did, the panes would break.
"And people called me "Looney"!"
"Apparently, Rex, Louise and company have found that they are dealing with someone who has made following the money normally almost impossible," Gomez told the Secret Circle general council. "We need to find one or more persons with the resources to set up bank accounts in at least fifty countries via a number of non-existent American companies.
"We've spoken to Batman, who has put Batgirl onto the search. She has contacted a friend in Sweden, who is a fellow expert computer hacker, as well as Tony Stark. Hopefully, one of the three will be able to follow the money all the way back to the source."
"I still can't work out why some American muggle wants to fund Rita Skeeter," Ron commented. "I don't see what they would get in return."
"It must have been boring watching some nerds on computers, Sis," Regina noted.
"On the contrary, sister dear, I got to sock a lunatic dressed as a vampire in the jaw. That was fun!"
Zelena turned to one of the groups seated at smaller tables a distance from the large round table used by the council. "How was Robyn, Henry One?"
"She was adorable as ever, Auntie Zelena," replied the first of the four versions of Henry Mills present. He was in his late teens and married to Ava "Gretel" Zimmer, who had a now very noticeably baby bump. There was an adult Henry from an alternate future sitting alongside his wife Jacinda and their daughter Lucy, another Henry from an alternate universe engaged to Violet Morgan of Camelot and a fourth Henry from a Wish Realm in which the Evil Queen had killed the Charmings.
"Why does my life have to get so complicated?!" Regina complained.
"You know what they say, Regina. There's no rest for the wicked…"
"Save it Swan! In any case, I was Evil. It was Zelena who was Wicked…"
"Tony, Lisbeth and I are still following the data trail, Harry," Batgirl said over the secure Skype link to the pulse-hardened laptop on his desk. Behind Batgirl was the top level of the Batcave, where the computer platform, the costume vaults, the "garage" for the various land vehicles and a monorail to the "hangar" for the Batplane and Batcopter were located. There was a lift to the lower levels, with gyms, dormitories, workshops, laboratories, the Subway Rocket station and the quay for the Batboat. "It will be a long process, as the money into the other accounts is flowing in from yet further accounts, in the names of other non-existent persons and businesses from all around the world.
"It would take a very sophisticated computer system to produce the algorithms to keep the funds in constant flux between accounts. Whoever is behind this must have significant technology as well as wealth. This is not some amateur or amateurs, Harry.
"We will find him, her or them eventually, I am sure of it. Don't expect speedy results though!"
"Thank you, Barbara," said Harry, deciding to use her given name, being the only one around. "Don't rush please. We want to have a clear audit trail to whoever is responsible.
"In the meantime, I'll ask Millie and the Furies to keep their eyes on Rita. If we can find some wizard secrets that she wants preserved, Rex can report them in The Quibbler.
"Once we find out what her other backers are after, we shall see how prominent purebloods feel about being used as a front for wizard-muggle business dealings…"
"So," said the American voice via a secure Skype-call to Rita's pulse-hardened laptop, "your pureblood friends are seeing their chance to bring down Hermione Weasley and the whole Shacklebolt Ministry down with her.
"In return, they will grant The Daily Owl Post Ministry-Favoured Status and are happy to sell to you at cheap price land for a new headquarters. You in return sell some of the residual land to me for a new mall. There are some non-magical villages nearby who would appreciate cheap transport to a major retail centre."
"I'm sure that it would be a goldmine," Rita agreed, "although the local muggles say shopping centres rather than malls. Some cheap land owned by the Ministry hardly seems adequate reason for all this effort, though."
"As you know, I have my own reasons for wanting a number of largely British wizards learning why you do not cross me…"