A/N: It's still Tuesday in my neck of the woods. Let's go for a two-fer.

Disclaimer: I do not own How to Train Your Dragon. I do own an assortment of OCs, a few of whom are trying to make me regret creating them.

How to Train Your Marching Band

Chapter Five: Personalities Collide

"C'mon Ashlyn! The longer you take to run your laps, the less time you'll have for lunch! And you've still got two more to go!"

Ashlyn might have given Hiccup the finger, but if she had, he missed it when Astrid sidled up next to him.

"I thought it was just one more." she said.

"One extra for making me stand out here waiting on her." Hiccup muttered with more than just a slight vindictive tone in his voice. "Astrid, you don't have to stay out here too. Go eat lunch."

"I'm keeping you company." she said. "Besides, I'd rather not be there if the twins start throwing their food at each other." she added with a frown. If the twins started fighting during meal-times, they usually regressed to toddlers armed with peas. Astrid had once had the joyful experience of washing chocolate pudding out of her hair and she was not keen to repeat it.

Hiccup remembered this (it had happened to him too) and continued watching Ashlyn's progress around the perimeter of tower field. Nine times this morning she had failed to acknowledge a veteran's advice. Apparently it meant nothing unless it came from either Gobber, or Mr. Todd and Mr. Jacobs, two of their drill instructors who had been present today. She had pissed and moaned when Hiccup told her to run ten laps, but to be fair, he had warned her well in advance.

She was going to be a fun one to deal with; Hiccup was really starting to understand that. Marie had been right. Ashlyn was going to be one of those people. Someone who had a modicum of playing talent, but didn't possess the drive and the determination required for marching band and had only joined because their friends had too. The people who didn't realize that marching band was actually a lot of work and afforded absolutely zero opportunity to slack off while they were "on the clock", so to speak.

Sure, it looked easy and fun on the outside, but the sheer amount of multitasking that went on from one chart to the next threw "easy" off a cliff.

If Ashlyn had been looking for a class that would let her slack off with her friends and still get a good grade, then she should have signed up for Music Appreciation.

This was marching band. Things actually happened.

If they were really lucky (not that Hiccup thought they would be), Ashlyn would get booted out. It was still early in the season. They could fudge the hole.

The morning practice had been something like hell. The temperature had climbed quickly and everyone had been slick with sweat within the first half-hour. Gobber ran a hard band and he expected nothing less than their A-game. It was nothing the rookies had been prepared for. Some of them had wobbled under the heat and had ended up on the sidelines feeling dizzy and faint. Gobber had spent had entire ten-minute break expounding the reasons they had coolers and water out here and how important it was to stay hydrated and if for some bizarre reason they had failed to bring water, then there was Kool-Aid and Gatorade and no one is going to the hospital on my watch! Hiccup had watched his rookies like a hawk during breaks, making sure they were getting some water in them before he let them back onto the tarmac.

Needless to say, it was relief to end morning practice.

Ashlyn puffed her way through her final lap and slogged up to her section leader like she had just been put through inhumane torture that would have given the Supreme Court a collective aneurysm,

"Can I go in now?" she asked with a barely concealed note of contempt in her voice.

"Yes you can, but remember: the next time a veteran tells you something, listen to them." Hiccup said firmly. "Next time you fail to listen, I may just let Marie decide how to address your inattention."

"You don't want that. Trust me. She's diabolical. She'll probably make you run a lap around the school. With weights on your ankles. While you give her a piggyback ride. In this heat. She weighs more than she looks." Astrid told her. Marie was vindictive on a good day; downright sadistic on a bad.

"Yeah, there's a reason Fishlegs has started calling her a 'Dark OverLord'." Hiccup said.

"With minions."

"Right, she has minions now. Watch out for them."

Another one of those 'you are so full of crap' looks came sneaking out, but Hiccup ignored it in favor of getting to his lunch break in a much more timely manner. Since both Astrid and Hiccup had managed to convince one of their respective section-mates to take their water coolers in for them, they set off across the grassy median and back to the athletic hall entrance while Ashlyn gathered her things.

"Way to go, Hiccup. Threatening your rookies with your scariest section-mate." Astrid mumbled when she was certain they were out of earshot.

"Well, you were no help. You were egging me on." Hiccup pointed out.

"I know, but it's so easy to make up scary things about Marie." Astrid reminded him. "Because- y'know, if she hears a rumor about herself, she usually tries to make it true."

"Believe me Astrid, I'm familiar with Marie's modus operand." the section leader assured her wearily. He sighed heavily. "Oh, she's going to be the difficult one. Never showed up for any of the June sectionals and I didn't exactly make those one hundred percent optional. Remember the parade practice back in July? Right before the Fourth? Ashlyn was half an hour late for no reason and she still had the gall to point out that Marie was late too. You should have seen the look on her face when I said I knew that Marie wasn't going to be coming. For a moment, I thought I'd taken a winning lottery ticket from her."

"So... she was hoping that Marie would get in trouble for being late?"

"Think she was really looking forward to it."

Astrid had to re-route her train of thought, starting to see what the problem was. This wasn't Hiccup complaining for the sake of complaining, but having a genuine grievance with his most uncooperative rookie.

"I was going to say that there's a Snotlout in every section..." she started, but trailed off.

"I'll take my cousin over Ashlyn any day. She's not deliberately obtuse; she really is that stupid."

"What makes you say that?"

"For one thing, she still isn't convinced I don't respond to my actual name. She thinks we're making fun of her." Hiccup replied.

Astrid blinked in bewilderment. "What... You don't respond to your actual name."

"I know. I've been 'Hiccup' for so long that when I hear 'Jacob', it just doesn't register. Even the teachers figure that one out." the section leader said. "Aw hell, even my dad calls me 'Hiccup'."

"That's when you know your legal name is long gone; when your parents use the nickname." Astrid nodded, still baffled over the idea. "What makes her think you're making fun of her?"

"According to her, it's not possible to stand two feet behind someone and repeat their name for a minute straight and not get a response unless they're actively ignoring you." Hiccup replied.

"Where'd she get an idea like that?"

"You tell me. You're the first person who started calling me 'Hiccup'."

It was something to thank Astrid for, at least. The nickname wasn't terribly humiliating and there was no blackmail-worthy story behind it; just a swift punch in the arm and Astrid shouting: "Hiccup! Stop hogging all the black crayons!", and then a few further punches to assure him that she was in fact talking to him.

The reason it was something to thank Astrid for was that it had finally given Snotlout something to call him.

For whatever reason, Snotlout had never liked Hiccup's legal name and refused to so much as acknowledge its existence. This had caused Stoic some distress, as "Jacob" had been one of Val's choices. No amount of reprimanding from the Jorgenson parents had changed that. Indeed, until kindergarten when Astrid had baptized Hiccup with his nickname, Snotlout had known his cousin by a variety of other monikers, the most common of them being "Weenie-boy".

They let themselves back into the school, picking up a more lively pace when the cool air washed over them and hurried back to the band suite to eat lunch. By the time they arrived, there was evidence that the twins had been throwing food at each other. A wad of used paper towels had been crammed in a plastic bag between Marie and Fishlegs, Tuffnut was still dragging a napkin through his hair and Ruffnut had smear of something brown on her pants leg.

"Hey Hiccup," Marie greeted him lazily. "How is our little nimrod?"

"I think she'll shut up and stop acting like a little nimrod. For now, at least." Hiccup replied. He leaned against the wall and slid down it until he was sitting flat on the floor beside his cooler. He flipped the top open and started rummaging around for his lunch. Astrid sank down beside him and tugged her own cooler closer.

"Next time she acts up, send her our way." Snotlout offered. He punched his palm with his fist and grinned ferally. "Coupla rounds with us and she won't know what hit her."

Marie snorted derisively. "Your ego?"

"Hey! We're percussion! Our ego is deserved!" Snotlout said righteously. "We're a lot better than you creepy little woodwinds!"

"I take pride in my creepy little woodwind status!" Marie snapped back. "Least I'm not holding a giant round thing around my crotch and beating on it!"

Hiccup cast a look over at Astrid. Their eyes long enough to give each other a long-suffering look, as if to say: There they go again... Snotlout and Marie had been engaging in some kind of feud-thing pretty much since the day they had met. Hiccup didn't know what had started it, but they disliked each other to the point where they deliberately cajoled one another into an argument over nothing at all. He was sure it was more of a case of clashing personalities, because it was easy for them to put aside whatever bothered them and focus during practice and competitions.

Nonetheless, half the time Hiccup didn't know who he oughta be rooting for.

"Huh, you guys are all talk. Everyone knows trumpets are the best." Tuffnut said proudly, straightening out of his usual slouch. "And I'm the best of the best."

Ruffnut all but body-slammed him into the floor. "Like hell you are! Everyone knows that I'm the trumpet prodigy! I'm the one who got the solo! I'm the one sitting in the first chair!"

"You both got the solo." Astrid reminded them, sitting down beside Hiccup. "And you're joint section leaders. Making you both first chair."

"Yeah!" Tuffnut shot at his sister. "You also hit like a girl!"

Ruffnut promptly socked her twin on the nose. Tuffnut yelped in pain and shoved her off, scrambling out of arm's reach.

"I am hurt! I am very much hurt!" he wailed, clutching his nose and sort of staggering to his feet. "I think I'm bleeding!"

"A little blood never hurt anyone." Ruffnut muttered, surreptitiously rubbing her knuckles on her leg. God, her brother had such a hard head.

"I'm definitely bleeding!" Tuffnut brought one of his hands away from his nose, his fingers a little smeared by blood.

Ruffnut grinned predatorily. "Now do I hit like a girl?"

"Naw, you still hit like yer throwin' around slabs of meat." Tuffnut retorted, pinching his nose shut. A little bit of blood couldn't stop him from insulting his sister. "No momentum at all."

"I can see blood leaking down your face." Marie commented, making a small gesture to her own upper lip.

Hiccup took a closer look at the twin's face and saw the blood was squeezing out between Tuffnut's pinched fingers, despite the pressure. Nonetheless, Tuffnut acted like this was a mark of honor.

"Oh-- Fishlegs? Think you can be the smart one today?" Hiccup looked imploringly at his friend.

"Sure." Fishlegs put down his sandwich and got to his feet. "Tilt your head back and don't pinch your nose too hard. And don't tilt your head too far or you'll swallow some of that blood."

"Blood is awesome!"

"When did you become a vampire?"

The little group didn't really move until the doors had swung shut behind the other two.

"Don't need no penis to do what Ruffnut did." Marie exclaimed righteously.

Ruffnut's smile would have reduced a small child to tears. "Rock on."

They fist-bumped, looking massively smug for longer than was strictly necessary.

"Astrid? You want in on this?" Marie asked, extending her fist to the colorguard captain. Astrid looked at the fist, then shrugged and tapped her knuckles to Marie's.

Snotlout rolled his eyes at the display of feminine power and proceeded to devour his pudding cup in a manner reminiscent of wild dogs. The girls settled back into their spots and continued eating lunch, until Astrid realized that she was being stared at.

"You're not gonna turn on me too, are you?" Hiccup asked her worriedly.

"Don't worry, Hiccup. I'm not as evil as Marie." she assured him, sending a glare at the other senior clarinet as she did.

"I am not evil. I'm opportunistic." Marie corrected.

"And sadistic." Ruffnut added.

"And clever."

"And psychotic."

"But not evil."

"Big difference."

"Urg..." Snotlout groaned at a bag of celery sticks he had just taken out of his cooler. "Shouldn't have let Mom pack my lunch." He tossed them at Hiccup. "Here, you can have them."

Hiccup dodged the bag expertly. "I'm not eating your stupid celery sticks!"

"Hey, I don't want them either!" Ruffnut chucked them back in Snotlout's direction.

"Well, I'm not eating them! Here Astrid!" The burly percussionist lobbed the bag at Astrid who, in an admirable display of hand-eye coordination, batted it in Marie's direction, who promptly kicked them back towards Snotlout.

"Hey, I said I didn't want them!" he protested.

"Wait, wait! Give 'em here!" Marie jumped to her feet to snatch the flying bag of evil vegetables and marched out of the band suite. A moment of expectant silence passed then there were several loud squeals of surprise and a moment later, Marie returned with a satisfied air and empty hands.

"If anyone asks, y'all know nothin' about any flying celery sticks." she told them sternly.

"I dunno what you're talking about." Ruffnut commented innocently, lacing her fingers behind her head.

"So, Aunt Aggie's watching her weight again." Hiccup commented.

Snotlout snorted. "Wouldn't care if she didn't try to make us follow the same diet." he grumbled. "I had to eat Weetabix for breakfast."

"Poor baby! I had bran flakes!" Marie sneered back, only partially in jest.

"That only 'cause you take out almost all the raisins." Hiccup pointed out. For some reason, Marie simply couldn't stand very many raisins in her raisin bran. That somewhat defeated the purpose of raisin bran.

"Well, your mother obviously cares enough about you to ensure that you don't get all flabby." Astrid said to the percussionist.

"I'm not flabby. This, Astrid, is all muscle." Snotlout boasted, flexing his arms, blissfully ignorant of the disgusted noises from the surrounding girls.

Hiccup didn't doubt that some of it was muscle -- he had seen the gym set in the attic and all of it was used regularly. But Aunt Aggie routinely cooked up high-calorie meals with enough grease and fat to fell a bull elephant. That was fine for Uncle Spitelout. He was a dragon hunter, so he needed the caloric fortification. Snotlout, on the other hand, didn't.

Just then, they heard one of the underclassmen storming into the band suite, loudly demanding to know who had dropped a bunch of mushy celery sticks on them. As one, the remainder of the group looked at Marie.

"I might had chewed on them a little." the blonde admitted.

Astrid nodded her head in confirmation. "Evil. Evil and sadistic."

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