The staircase leading up to the rookery had never felt steeper. It wasn't physical fatigue; the two days since their expedition had returned to from the Western Approach had given Cassandra ample time to recover from the exhaustion of the road. No, the problem was more in her churning guts than her legs, but in spite of her anxiety, she pressed onward. She didn't trust anyone else to help her with this problem, and she definitely needed help.
When she finally reached the top of the stairs, Leliana was waiting for her, birds and papers set aside for the moment. The bard had become increasingly grim of late, but today, a small smile pulled at her lips and there was a twinkle in her green eyes.
Does she already know?
"Cassandra? It's lovely to finally see you again." There was a teasing note in Leliana's voice, which didn't surprise Cassandra. Normally, she came to see her friend much sooner after returning from a mission, and even if she didn't yet know the reason for the delay, Leliana was too astute not to suspect something was amiss.
She sighed and slumped back against the railing. Without it there, it would be all too easy to fall the several stories down to tower floor: a fall which, just then, didn't seem like the worst thing that could happen to a person. "I'm sorry I didn't visit sooner. It's not that I was ignoring you. I have been thinking about… things."
Leliana settled into her desk chair, regarding her with a bemused smile. "And what things might those be?"
Cassandra hesitated before answering. She had intended to get Leliana's advice, but now that she was here, actually saying what had happened aloud was proving to be a struggle. "You must know that Morrigan came with us to the Western Approach," she began at last.
The grin did not leave Leliana's face. "I would be a very poor spymaster if I did not. Please, go on."
She took a deep breath, summoning her courage. If she could face demons and dragons, she could admit what she'd done, at least to someone she trusted not to judge her for it. "While we were there, we encountered an artifact left behind by the ancient Tevinter. It drew on the energy of a rift in order to…" She stopped and tried again. "It affected our minds, and while under its influence, we…." Her head bowed and her voice dropped so low that Leliana had to lean forward to hear her. "Morrigan and I became sexually involved."
Leliana didn't seem to be surprised by the revelation, but she was sympathetic, her smile giving way to a look of concern. "I can see how that might be upsetting. I know what it is to have my mind affected by magic." Cassandra bit her lip. Leliana had told her about her encounter with the Sloth demon inside the Circle Tower, how it had tempted her with visions of a peaceful life spent in prayer and contemplation before the Warden had come to rescue her. If only Cassandra's own experience had been so simple.
"It was upsetting, but not in the way you're thinking." She couldn't meet Leliana's eyes as she explained. "It was... the best I've ever had." She didn't have the most extensive range of romantic experiences to draw on, but she'd never felt anything like the burning, unquenchable passion of that day. Even now, remembering it made her skin tingle, no matter how much she might have wished otherwise.
"Oh, my." Leliana fought gamely to keep a smirk off of her face, but Cassandra knew her well enough to recognize the struggle.
"Do you think you could try not to be amused by my plight?"
Leliana got up from the chair and walked over to join her by the railing, giving her shoulder a comforting squeeze. "I am sorry. Truly. It is only, Morrigan… it is strange to imagine the two of you together."
Cassandra slumped down even further, planting herself on the ground beneath the bard.
"Do you think it seems normal to me, Leliana? I can barely tolerate the woman. And a woman… I had not even thought myself interested in them that way. Maker, none of this is anything I had ever considered."
"Perhaps it was simply the effects of the artifact rather than any desire of yours that made it pleasurable?"
Something in Leliana's tone suggested she didn't believe that, and Cassandra decided not to tell her the same lie she had failed to convince herself of. "No. The Inquisitor discovered that the artifact only brought our desires to the surface. It didn't make us do anything some part of us had not considered. And besides…" She hesitated before beginning the final part of her confession.
"Besides, what?" Concern and interest warred in Leliana's voice.
"It was not simply what happened in the ruins that's troubling me. I have been thinking about Morrigan since then." She knew her face must be practically the color of her friend's hair, but she made herself continue. "In that way. That's why I came to you. I have little skill in these matters. You must have some idea what I can do. How I can rid myself of these feelings, or how best to deal with them. Please help me."
Leliana gave a small sigh, and her smile vanished. "You know better than most how difficult it is to make our feelings disappear. The Maker gave them to us for a reason. Better to let them run their course without casting judgment on yourself than to go off into the wilderness for another year of fasting and prayer."
"Part of me wishes I could do that," Cassandra grumbled. Her face remained fixed in a frown, but she sensed that Leliana could see the vulnerability behind it. Although they didn't always agree, the spymaster had learned to read her with startling accuracy even when other people couldn't.
"Surely you do not wish to give Morrigan such power over you. It would only make her arrogant."
Cassandra's brow furrowed. Another image of Morrigan flashed in her mind, one in which her arms were crossed and her delicate chin was tilted up in a superior way. The witch had a way of gazing down her nose at someone even when they were taller than she was. "Isn't she already?"
"Please, Cassandra. I am attempting to be serious." Leliana knelt beside her until their faces were level, staring directly into her eyes and refusing to let her look away. "You may try and dismiss this as Morrigan has done, but denying your emotions will only give them more power over you. You are a passionate woman despite being a Seeker, and you should not deny your nature. Instead, turn it into a strength. Be honest with yourself, explore what you are feeling, and then decide on a logical course of action from there."
"You almost sound as though you want me to repeat the experience," Cassandra mumbled.
"Not necessarily. I did say a logical course of action, after all. But pretending it never happened is not logical. At least, not for you."
"Perhaps." She averted her eyes as soon as she was able, but Leliana was difficult to look away from. Cassandra stared into her lap instead, rubbing one thumb over a callus on the opposite hand. It was a pity all the extra hours of training these last few days had done nothing to erase the haunting memories from her mind. "I think you might be right. The sooner I accept what happened and understand the reasons behind it, the sooner I can move on. There must be some reason beyond the physical for my attraction to her. If I can figure out what it is..." She paused, hesitating as she remembered Leliana's earlier words. "Wait. Who told you that Morrigan tried to dismiss what happened between us?"
"I assumed," Leliana said, rising back to her feet and returning to her desk.
"You assumed? And what, exactly, prompted that assumption?"
"I have spent a good deal of time in Morrigan's company. She is an expert at ignoring feelings, both her own and those of the people around her."
Cassandra's eyes narrowed suspiciously. In spite of Leliana's skill as a liar, she still wasn't convinced. "Forgive me for prying, but you did not seem very surprised when I told you what happened in the Western Approach. Is being intimate with Morrigan really something you might have expected of me?"
"Magic is often unexpected," Leliana replied coyly.
"Answer the question."
The spymaster folded her arms on top of her desk, all business once more. "No. It isn't something I might have expected of you."
"I knew it." Cassandra jumped to her feet, her vulnerability and confusion giving way to anger. If Leliana had already known about her regrettable encounter with Morrigan, there were only three possible sources of her information: The Inquisitor, Sera, and the witch herself. It didn't take a brilliant mind to deduce the most likely suspect. "It was Sera, wasn't it?" she snapped, rounding on Leliana. "She told you."
Leliana returned her look of fury with one of surprise. "No. Sera didn't tell me anything..."
"Then you heard it from someone else, and she told them. The irresponsible little miscreant! Maker preserve me, all of Skyhold probably knows by now."
"Cassandra..."
Leliana tried to call her back, but she shook her head, storming off toward the stairs. "Thank you for the advice, Spymaster, but I fear I have an urgent problem to attend to." She headed out of the rookery without waiting for a response, stomping down the steps two at a time and clenching her hands into fists. When she caught up with Sera, she was going to make sure the rogue regretted it.
She started her search with the garish room in the tavern Sera called home, but when her quarry wasn't there, Cassandra moved on to Skyhold proper. Her next thought had been that the elf was with her new lover, but when Varric informed her that the Inquisitor was busy with Josephine, that too was ruled out. Without any further leads, she was reduced to stalking through the castle more or less at random in search of the damnable rogue.
As she scanned every nook and crevice for the spot where Sera might be hiding, Cassandra could feel her anger building. It wasn't enough that she'd humiliated herself under the influence of the artifact. Now that depraved reprobate had to spread her shame to rest of the Inquisition. Though the storm clouds above her head kept anyone else from speaking to her, she could only imagine what they must be thinking. The noble Seeker, caught rutting on the ground with an Apostate. She would see be the butt of every joke in Skyhold before the day's end.
By the time she finally found Sera, a black rage had enveloped her thoughts, blotting out everything but a desire for revenge. The rogue was lounging on one of the walls overlooking the courtyards, and at the sight of her, Cassandra snapped. "Get down here! Immediately!"
Sera vaulted down off of her perch, landing a few yards away from Cassandra. "What's that, then? Knickers inna twist again, yeah?"
"Do not play dumb with me, Sera. Not that it's much of an act with you. Who did you tell?"
The elf crinkled up her face, feigning ignorance remarkably well for someone who Cassandra had never thought of as skilled at deception. "Tell who about what now?"
They were already drawing a few stares from some of the soldiers in the courtyard and on the faint hope those that those watching didn't know her secret yet, Cassandra refrained from saying it aloud. "You bloody well know what I'm talking about." She narrowed her eyes menacingly at the same time she dropped her voice. "The thing you promised Morrigan you wouldn't reveal after we returned to Skyhold."
"Oh, that thing." That infuriating smirk Cassandra had become all too familiar with covered Sera's face. "Yeah, didn't tell anyone. So piss off. Go punch a mage, or whatever you do for fun when you're not doing... that."
Her strike came so quickly that even the nimble elf wasn't able to evade it. She caught Sera with one hand, grabbing her and pressing her up against the stone wall behind them. A part of her wanted to simply starting hitting, to find a physical outlet for the frustration that had been building up inside of her ever since that day in the ruins, but she had just enough self-control left to stay her hand. Instead, she resorted to yelling.
"I do not know why you're bothering to lie, you little delinquent. Leliana is aware of what happened, which means you either told her yourself, or told someone else who did, and since I cannot imagine anyone else who was there being foolish enough to…"
"T'was not her."
She spun around at the sound of Morrigan's voice, allowing her captive to slip out of her grasp as she did. With a parting shot of "Bloody daft bint," Sera scurried off, but Cassandra scarcely paid her any mind. Instead, her attention was held entirely by the woman now staring at her with a disdainful look on her irritatingly pretty face.
"What do you mean?" She was scarcely able to believe that Morrigan herself could be the source of Leliana's information, and yet she doubted the witch would've let Sera off the hook unless she was sure of her innocence.
Morrigan crooked her finger, beckoning Cassandra to follow as she turned around. "Come with me. I doubt very much that either of us wants to continue this conversation in full view of the rest of the Inquisition."
Suddenly conscious of growing crowd she had attracted, Cassandra obeyed the suggestion without protest, following Morrigan toward a small supply room located in one of the nearby towers. Her head spun as she walked. Every time she thought she had hit bottom, the Maker seemed to delight in proving her wrong. She had just made a fool of herself in front of everyone, she would probably have to apologize to Sera for falsely accusing her, and worse still, she was about to be trapped with Morrigan in a confined space yet again. If things were going to get more humiliating, she couldn't imagine how.
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