A/N: I appreciate all of the great reviews! We're finally starting to get into some of the knitty-gritty details of each of these characters, specifically Lily and James. More to come on them in this chapter. And then some! So why bother reading this when you can just read the chapter? Onward!

Disclaimer: Oh do I love J.K. Rowling. Sadly, I am not her.

Goodbyes on the Balcony

By ByeByeBirdie

Chapter 5: Of Inflatable Dolls, Lattes, & Karaoke

++JAMES++

I couldn't sleep at all. I found myself tossing and turning, wondering why I was so set against marriage. It wasn't Lily I was set against, it was the whole situation. But I didn't know how to explain it without feeling that usual sort of panic I did when I thought of the future. I'm done dealing with any change. Because every single time change has been thrown my way, it has always bad. And maybe I'm being a tad cynical and paranoid, but things were finally going well and for once, I just wanted to keep it that way.

As I sauntered into the Auror department with an extra large latte in my hand that Monday morning, barely muttering a hello to Janine who looked slightly disappointed at that, I couldn't help but continually replay the conversation from the night before over and over in my head, increasingly becoming frustrated with both our arguments. It was difficult for me to look Lily in the eyes and tell her that marriage probably wasn't in the cards for me. I wanted so badly to please her, but I had to protect myself first. And the idea of bringing Lily into my crazy, hectic, dangerous world scared the hell out of me. I had already lost too much. The idea of drawing closer to her and potentially losing her was too overwhelming to even think about.

"Hey, James!"

I glared at Alice. "Do me a favor and try to be less cheerful, will ya?"

She quirked an eyebrow as I eased into my chair with a groan, taking a sip of the latte in my hand. "Not a fan of Monday mornings, are you?"

"Not this Monday morning," I grumbled.

"Dare I ask why?"

I sighed, leaning back in my chair. "No reason," I muttered, not wanting to get into it.

"Well I call bullshit on that," she snorted, leaning up against my cubicle walls. "Is it because the newbie will be here today?"

I groaned, forgetting that the French Auror Sydny Lafevre's first day was that day. Of all days. "Damn, I forgot about that," I grumbled.

"How the hell could you forget about that?" Alice asked, curiously. "It's Slaughterhouse Syd for Merlin's sake."

I sighed. "Yeah, well, I'm a bit distracted right now," I murmured. Before she could ask why, I blurted out, "Lily and I got into a fight last night."

Alice offered me a sympathetic smile. "Well, we all have our share of fights. Whose fault was this one?" she joked.

I frowned. In all honesty, I didn't know how to answer that question. She was the one that had brought up the proposal from three years ago, but I was the one who turned it into a dispute. "I don't know," I said honestly. "We're both to blame I guess."

She cocked her head to the side. "Well, why don't you just do what all men do?"

I groaned. "Do I dare ask what that is?"

"Pretend to stew for a couple of days and then go crawling back to the girl after withdrawal of sex apologizing for whatever it is you may or may not have done."

I scowled. "Not all men do that!"

She snorted. "You guys always forget how stubborn we can be. Withholding sex is how we get what we want."

I rolled my eyes. "I'd like to think we're a little more complex than that."

"You're not."

"Not only am I in a fight with Lily, but I'm about to be in a fight with you," I scoffed, a hint of a smile on my face.

She laughed. "Sorry, but I speak the truth," she said with a shrug. "So my advice is to just apologize."

I frowned. "It's not exactly something I can apologize for," I admitted with a sigh.

She looked intrigued as she leaned against the edge of my desk, stealing another sip of my latte. I tore it out of her hands, giving her a look. She rolled her eyes and said, "What do you mean you can't apologize?"

I didn't know if I wanted to get into it, but I also knew that Alice wouldn't leave me alone until I informed her of the argument. She had a knack of getting to the bottom of things and feeling the need to resolve disputes. Most of the arguments settled between Lily and myself occurred because of unsolicited (and sometimes solicited) advice from Alice. "Lily wants to get married."

Alice hesitated, narrowing her eyes curiously. "You mean the girl that you've been dating for nearly four years and are madly in love with wants to, gasp, marry you? How ludicrous."

I rolled my eyes. "Your sarcasm is unwelcome."

She chuckled. "Pray tell, how did this result in an argument?"

I turned my gaze away from her prying eyes and reached for my latte as more of a stalling technique than anything else. "I like things the way they are," I muttered. "Why does anything have to change?"

Confusion passed over her eyes for a brief second before she groaned, smacking the palm of her hand against her forehead. "Please tell me you didn't inform the girl who is head-over-heels in love with you that you didn't want to get married."

I pursed my lips, remaining silent.

The next thing I knew, she was smacking me.

"OW!"

"You don't tell the girl you've been dating for four years you don't want to marry her, James!"

"I didn't tell her I didn't want to marry her. I said I didn't want to marry. Period, end of sentence."

She shook her head, rubbing her temples. "You do realize that to her, they mean the same thing, right?"

I rolled my eyes, pursing my lips. "Why is marriage such a big deal anyway?" I grumbled, slumping down in my chair. "It's just…just a piece of paper."

Okay, that time I wasn't entirely surprised when she smacked me in the back of the head.

"It is more than a piece of paper, Potter, and you know it," she accused, glaring at me. "That piece of paper is a symbol of love and commitment."

"Both of which Lily and I already have," I pointed out.

She rolled her eyes, clearly aggravated. "It's an understanding that the union is more important than the individual parts, James. It's an understanding of each other as one entity. It's an understanding of the vows you take to honor and cherish each other through all of the good and the bad that might be thrown your way. It's more than just a piece of paper, James. It's even more than love. It's devotion."

I could feel myself getting increasingly anxious and impatient, for reasons I couldn't necessarily name. My heart had skipped a beat at the emphasis of 'and the bad' and I wondered if Alice could see the fear that I was feeling. "Wow, nice speech. How long have you been rehearsing that?"

She narrowed her eyes. "Well, I can definitely see why you two argued," she said wryly. "But while your dry humor and sarcasm may have fooled her, I'm not buying it."

"There's nothing to buy, Fisher," I muttered. "I'm simply hoping you'll take the hint and drop this subject altogether."

She frowned, her eyes bearing a hole through my skull as I attempted to sift through the folders on my desk. She eventually stood up off my desk, her lips pursed hesitantly. "Look, James, I can't tell you what to do. Mostly because I don't know what's going through your head and I certainly don't know what's going through her head. But if you're just putting up this wall because the future scares the hell out of you, welcome to my world. Welcome to all of our worlds," she said scathingly, gesturing to the entire Auror office. "It is really difficult planning for the future when we sure as hell know that the future might not even exist for very long. We've seen Aurors disappear and we've seen Aurors die. But you can't protect Lily from our world by not marrying her. I hate to break it to you, but she's already in our world. Because she's in your world. And that won't change if you just remain a couple or if you get married. So honestly, I'm not sure what's holding you back nor am I going to attempt to speculate, but personally, I think you're being an idiot."

I had no idea what to say. Mostly because a part of me knew I was being an idiot. I just didn't know how to stop being an idiot because I didn't know how to stop panicking. It was easier pretending I could control our futures if we didn't get tied down with each other. And I certainly didn't like thinking that she was already in my world because the whole idea of keeping a distance from her was to keep her away from the dangers that presented with myself as an Auror. She didn't deserve to worry. I worried enough for the both of us.

"I have to get down to the court rooms," Alice said, breaking me from my thoughts. "But think about it, James."

I sighed. Of course I would think about it. It was all that was on my mind.

++SYDNY++

New girl here. Let me just say right off the bat that you probably don't want to get to know me. I have baggage. A lot of it. And I won't share it. I'm merely here to do the job I was assigned to do and keep my hands clean as much as I possibly could.

Famous last words? Merlin, I hope not.

I had no idea what to expect from my move to the British offices from France. A part of me was excited, but another part of me was nervous. The mission that I was on was a difficult, nerve-wracking one and I just hoped I could make Dumbledore and Moody proud.

I was already in awe. Not only was the Auror department three times the size of the French Auror department, but the French Ministry building held no comparison to the British Ministry. You could probably fit the entire French operations in the atrium of the British Ministry. While I had stood out at the French office (seeing as we only had ten of us in total there and there are at least thirty Aurors if not more at the British offices), I had a feeling that I would be blending in more. Which might just be a blessing in disguise.

I was supposed to be meeting Alastor Moody at one o'clock but the petite girl in the lobby (Janet? Janice? I have no idea what her name is—I'm horrible with names) told me that both he and the Head Auror, Rufus Scrimgeour, had gotten called away earlier on official Ministry business down in the court rooms. She had sent me back to James Potter's shared cubicle since I knew it would be where I would be eventually occupying. The offices looked fairly empty and I wondered what emergency was taking place in the courtrooms. My curiosity always got me into trouble, however, so I tried not to harp on it.

One could only twirl around in a desk chair for so long before needing to find something else to entertain them. I noticed a stack of crime reports on the corner of the desk opposite me and was instantly curious. I wondered if their procedures were different than the French Auror procedures. The recent attack on the States was on top so I couldn't help myself as I perused through it. I glanced up to see if anyone was around before opening it. The file was filled with a bunch of background checks, crime reports, witness statements, and photos. I picked up one of the photos of the massacre, a frown spreading across my face.

"What are you doing?"

I jumped, throwing the photo back down on to the pile, and glanced up to greet a very stony look. "Sorry, I was just-"

"Reading something that isn't any of your business?" he snorted.

I hesitated. Seeing as I was now an employee in the British Auror department, he was wrong. "Well, that's technically not true," I started. "I'm-"

"Being overly nosy?"

"Uh, no," I argued hastily. "I was just-"

"So you're saying it's alright to go through someone else's things?"

Okay, I was getting annoyed with this guy. Who did he think he was? "You saying it's alright to interrupt me when I'm trying to explain myself?" I retaliated immediately, narrowing my eyes.

That got his attention. "Well, you're certainly an aggressive one," he snorted. "Who the hell are you?"

"Who the hell are you?"

He narrowed his eyes at me. "I happen to be the guy whose seat you're sitting in and whose work you shouldn't be looking at," he snapped.

My heart skipped a beat and my look softened immediately. "You're...you're James Potter?"

He gazed at me, his eyes filled with scrutiny. "How did you know that?"

A distant memory suddenly flashed through my mind and I blurted out, "You look so much like your brother."

I could tell he was getting increasingly irritated with my evasiveness. "Grant?" he said in surprise.

I had no idea who Grant was. I could only guess James had another brother. "No. Wyatt."

He froze. I could tell I said something not only unexpected, but something shocking. It was only then that I remembered how long it must have been since Wyatt had been in touch with his family.

You're an idiot, Sydny.

"How...how do you know Wyatt?" James asked, his voice barely above a whisper. He slowly grabbed hold of his desk to balance himself.

Oh, shit. I should have kept my mouth shut. So far, I was not doing a good job at blending in. "I...I used to work with him," I said vaguely.

"When? On what?" he asked quickly, his voice full of concern.

Truth be told, I technically still worked with him even though I hadn't seen him since the beginning of our mission. I calculated in my head. "Er…eight years ago?" I murmured.

"Oh. After he left." James took a deep breath in, exhaling softly. "On what?"

I could tell he was desperate for some sort of answers. "It was a long time ago," I said evasively. I thought it was time to change the subject. "Sorry to barge in like this but neither Scrimgeour nor Moody were around."

"You still have yet to tell me who the hell you are," James pointed out irritably.

Before I could respond, a deep voice behind us both answered for me. "Ah, so I see you've met the newest member of the team, Potter," Moody said. "And the person who will be occupying your cubicle with you for the time-being."

A dark cloud spread across James' face. It was clear he wasn't looking forward to working with me. "You're Slaughterhouse Syd?" James responded dryly, giving me a once-over. I knew exactly what he was thinking. I was a very petite blonde-haired woman who looked like she should have gone down the route of runway modeling. I didn't look like a typical Auror. It's what everyone thought of me when they found out who I was.

My eyes narrowed quickly. I'm not sure who had donned that nickname first, but it wasn't one I liked to brag about. "I prefer Sydny," I drawled coolly.

"I prefer Lafevre," James responded.

"Gee, nice to meet you, too," I snorted, rolling my eyes. I couldn't tell if I was going to like working with James or not. He was definitely one surly son of a bitch, but that could just make one damn good Auror. From what Moody told me, he was one of the most promising newer Aurors so a part of me was intrigued. I just hoped he never found out one of the main reasons I was there or he may pull his wand out on me.

Moody quirked an eyebrow, glancing back and forth between us. "Hm, I get the feeling I may have missed something."

"I was simply pointing out to Miss Lafevre here that she's sitting at the wrong desk," James drawled, giving me what I could only assume was an icy glare. But there was a softness lurking beneath that made me think he was still thinking about Wyatt. I almost felt guilty for bringing him up. Almost.

Moody shook his head, clearly not willing to deal with the childish argument that was about to ensue. If Moody wasn't there, I would have propped my feet up on his desk and leaned back in his chair. But seeing as Moody was my superior, I slowly climbed out of James' chair and moved to the chair opposite him. I didn't bother apologizing, however.

"So, am I assuming that you don't want to be the welcoming committee, James?" Moody joked, flashing him a smile.

James quirked a single eyebrow, a look of distaste on his face. "Alice is a much better tour guide than I am."

Moody laughed and turned to glance at me. "Alice is in court room 3 right now, but she should be back up in a few minutes time. She can help you get settled."

"Is she as friendly as this guy is?" I snorted.

James shot me a look. "Oh, she's just peachy," he drawled sarcastically. "You'll get along swimmingly. She'll have you throwing slumber parties with her in no time."

"Oh, stop being crass, Potter," Moody chuckled.

James rolled his eyes and turned his back on me, returning to the pile of paperwork I had left on his desk.

"For now, Sydny, why don't I go ahead and at least introduce you to who's in the office?"

Anything to get away from Mr. Cranky Pants. "Sure," I agreed.

The introductions didn't take long. A lot of the Aurors were either in training, in the weight room facilities, or down in the court rooms dealing with what I learned was some recent arrests of potential Death Eaters in Central America.

By the time I got back to my cubicle, I could still see the scowl resting on James' face. But considering we'd be working together, I thought it might be best to attempt to make things work between us.

"I think we got off on the wrong foot, James," I said awkwardly.

"Oh? And what gave you that idea?" he snorted, not bothering to turn around and face me. "The fact that you were going through my stuff and I caught you? Or the fact that you somehow knew my brother eight years ago but successfully avoided talking about it? Yeah, don't think I didn't notice the subject change."

I had absolutely no clue what I had done to earn such a cold shoulder from James Potter, but I was officially done trying to appease him. "And don't think I didn't notice your rudeness, Potter," I snapped. "What crawled up your ass and died?"

He glanced over his shoulder long enough to throw me a glare. "Wow, do you talk to everyone you just met that way?"

"HAH! Look who's talking."

"Well, I can see that you two won't be getting along anytime soon," a female voice drawled from behind me. She smiled at me and extended her hand. "You must be Sydny."

I shook her hand. "Would I be assuming correctly if I said you were Alice?"

"Assume away," she said before glancing over at James. "You taking your frustrations with your girlfriend out on the new girl, Potter?"

James scowled. "No need to get Lafevre involved in my personal business."

"Don't worry, I'm still focused on the part where you actually have a girlfriend," I drawled, quirking an eyebrow. "Is she inflatable? Are you frustrated because she sprung a leak?"

Alice erupted in laughter as James whirled around in his chair to glare at me. "Don't pretend you know me."

"Oh, don't worry, you're not worth my time," I smirked. "Shall we commence the tour, Alice?"

I was glad when James simply accepted the brush-off. I had no idea what his problem was but I didn't really care enough to find out. I could still do the job I was given without liking James Potter.

++CALEB++

At first, I had become an Auror because it was what both Gran and my mother wanted for me. And after Rafe had dropped out of Auror recruitment training only six months into the program quickly realizing he wasn't meant to be an Auror, I thought it fell upon me to satisfy the family matriarchs. I had learned that sometimes it was just better to give into their crazy antics than to question them. But as it turned out, it thrilled me being an Auror. For the first time in my life, I felt as if I was actually doing some good in the world.

Moody had caught me as I was traipsing off the elevator mentioning a tip of suspicious Dark activity near the outskirts of Hogsmeade. He bid me to visit the site immediately and bring someone along. Considering most of the Aurors were in the court rooms, there weren't many to choose from. "James!" I cried out, peeking my head over his cubicle. "Moody needs us out in Hogsmeade. Suspicious activity was reported by Aberforth. Strange lights coming from the caves and Aberforth thinks he may have seen Malachi Mulciber and Serpus Avery fleeing."

James was out of his chair in a heartbeat. That was when I first noticed the blonde sitting across from him. "Er…hey," I said as James reached for his robes.

She nodded at me. "I'm Sydny."

"Ah, so you're Slaughterhouse."

She sighed. "I'm never getting rid of that name, am I?" she muttered.

I chuckled but before I could retort, James was grabbing my arm. "Hello? Possible Death Eater activity going on? Can we save this idle chitchat until later?"

Hm, not sure what that was about, but I quickly led us towards the elevators. Once we were outdoors and a safe distance away from the Ministry building, we apparated to the perimeter of Hogsmeade, right below the caves. We both pulled out our wands, uncertain what we were going to find there.

"So not a fan of the new girl, hm?" I muttered as we sauntered up the beaten pathway of stones.

He frowned, choosing to not reply.

"That bad?" I winced.

He met my gaze, pushing a stray branch out of our way. "She said she knew Wyatt."

I froze, my face slowly paling. "As in…your brother?"

He offered a curt nod.

I tried recalling the last time anyone had mentioned Wyatt Potter. I came up blank. "How…I mean…when…why…what?"

"Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction."

"I-I haven't heard that name in years," I whispered.

"Nor have I. So you can imagine my surprise when she mentioned him," he muttered, his gaze falling upon collapsed rock beside him. "This pile of rocks is recent."

A nod followed from me, recognizing the dust that had fallen below the rocks. "Footprints," I muttered, nodding towards footprints in the mud to the right.

I met James' gaze and knew that whatever it is we were going to find in the caves, it probably wasn't going to pretty.

I was right.

"Bloody hell," I swore, my hand immediately going to my mouth in horror as I glanced down at the mutilated body in front of me. It was hard to tell what the gender was based on the matted blood all over the face. One swollen eye stared up at us, bones sticking out in every which direction. The robes were torn and the body lay there half-naked. I was about ask if James knew who it may be but I noted the ashen look on his face and had a feeling I already knew the answer to that question.

"That's…that's Wynona Wilkes," James said in a hushed tone, his voice hoarse with trepidation.

I furrowed my brow. "Who?"

"I went to school with her," he said, shuddering as he quickly looked away from the mangled body. I didn't blame him. She didn't look human. Slash marks framed her body, blood poured from her face, and her neck was bright red, a pretty good sign of the Choking Curse. "She was a Slytherin."

"Well, that explains it," I muttered.

He shook his head. "No, she wasn't like them. She kept to herself for the most part, not wanting to be associated with her housemates. I don't think she was a Death Eater."

I frowned. Why was she chosen to be so horribly maimed? What could she have done to possibly deserve such torture? She wasn't just murdered, she was practically dismembered. "C'mon, let's get to Aberforth. We need to ask him a few questions," I muttered.

"We're just going to leave her here?" James asked desperately.

"We'll get word to Moody. He'll send someone to collect the body."

James didn't look like he wanted to leave her, but eventually he turned away and led us out of the cave. We walked in silence. I couldn't imagine what James was musing about, but he looked so disheartened. I was starting to wonder if being an Auror was really taking a toll on him. "Hey, you said Wilkes, right?" I questioned as we headed into Hogsmeade.

He nodded.

I frowned. "Was she the daughter of Ramona and Dannon Wilkes?"

He shrugged. "I can't be sure. Why?"

"They were murdered just last month," I said. "Remember? The Dark Mark was found over their home."

James' eyes narrowed curiously. "Yeah, I do remember that," he said softly. "What do you think Voldemort wanted from them?"

I didn't respond. I didn't have a response. I stopped wondering what Voldemort's thought process was a long time ago.

"Do you think he wanted them all to join his ranks?"

Once again, I remained silent, but I had a feeling James just hit the nail on the head.

We walked the rest of the way into Hogsmeade in silence. I couldn't tell you what James was thinking but I sure as hell was just trying to rid that horrible image of the mangled girl out of my mind. "James? How did Sydny know Wyatt?"

He shook his head, seemingly unperturbed by the change of subject from the Wilkes. "I don't know. She didn't tell me. She just said she knew him right around the time he disappeared."

I opened my mouth to ask the question I was so very much curious about, but I quickly shut it.

"What?" he sighed, recognizing my hesitance.

I glanced at James, biting down on the inside of my lip curiously. "Do you think Wyatt is still alive?"

He frowned, shrugging very abruptly. "At this point, I have far more people I prefer to spend my time worrying about," he muttered.

I wasn't surprised that he avoided the question. He had always been a pro at avoiding any sort of emotion that showed the slightest bit of vulnerability.

++JAMES++

By the time Caleb and I got back to the office, we were so worn out and both feeling a bit down. Okay, a lot down. I hadn't known Wynona Wilkes well but it didn't matter. Knowing that an innocent bystander had been tortured endlessly for God knows how long was enough to make me want to go find the bastards who did it and kill them in cold blood. I don't normally agree with fighting murderers with murder. I used to be all about justice. But what good was believing in justice when it was obvious that justice was never going to be served?

I dropped into my desk chair with a sigh, dropping the crime report form on to my desk haphazardly. As I glanced down at it, I had the sickening realization that what I was going to write about Wynona Wilkes might very well be the last thing ever written about the poor girl.

"Bad day?"

I stiffened. The last thing I wanted to deal with was some interrogative girl I barely knew but already disliked. "You could say that," I muttered.

"Something happen in the Hogsmeade caves?"

I pursed my lips. "You could say that," I repeated coolly.

"Gee, are you always this articulate," she murmured.

I whirled my chair around. "I've had a very long day, Lafevre, and the last thing I need is the third degree from some girl I don't know."

Irritation flickered in her eye. "Merlin, you really are one surly son-of-a-bitch, aren't you?"

"You don't know me, Lafevre," I snarled.

"I know that it's pretty obvious you had a rough day. Rough couple of days, perhaps?" she mused with an arched eyebrow. "And all I was trying to do was lend you my ear. Clearly that is the last time I will be doing that."

I cringed, feeling slightly guilty for jumping down her throat. "I like to stew in silence," I muttered.

"That sounds healthy."

"You know what isn't healthy? Being judgmental," I snapped.

"Neither is jumping down an innocent person's throat."

"Hah! Nowadays no one is innocent," I blurted out, the mental image of Wynona Wilkes' mutilated body flashing through my mind.

She didn't respond immediately and I took that as a good sign, pulling out my quill and starting to run thought the account of what I witnessed in the crime report paperwork.

"What did you mean by that? That no one is innocent?"

I groaned, knowing it was too good to be true. "Nothing," I muttered. "Can I just get back to work?"

I heard her sigh behind me. "You're referring to the war, aren't you?"

"On top of being interrogative and judgmental, you're apparently perceptive, too."

"And on top of being surly and very cynical, you're apparently annoyingly sarcastic, too."

I rolled my eyes. "Seriously, Lafevre, your chatter is cutting into my paperwork."

She let out an exasperated grunt but thankfully kept her mouth shut.

It didn't change anything, though. I still couldn't get Wynona Wilkes out of my head.

++SIRIUS++

That night, Remus and I were watching the top 50 Quidditch plays in the last century on WiziSports when James came sauntering in, plopping on to one of the lounge chairs with a groan.

Remus offered him a beer and he shook his head. "Need something stronger."

I snickered and went into our liquor cabinet. "I'm with you, Prongs," I said as I pulled out a bottle of Ogdens'. I poured two glasses and glanced over at Remus. "You want some?"

He held up the beer in his hand. "Nah. I'm fine with beer."

I clinked James' glass and settled back into the couch. "Why the need for a strong drink, James?"

James made a face, downing the whiskey in one gulp. "It's a twofold. One, Caleb and I found tortured Wynona Wilkes' body up in the Hogsmeade caves."

"Aw, jeez," Remus muttered. While we were never close with the girl, I knew that out of all of those damned Slytherins, she'd at least be one who could move on after Hogwarts with a few morals under her belt.

"Yeah," James muttered.

"Weren't her parents just murdered, too?" Remus spoke.

Damn, that guy seemingly knows everything. I might want to start reading the Daily Prophet more.

"Yeah," James said.

"Do we know why?"

He shook his head, holding out his glass for more whiskey, which I graciously poured for him. "What's the second part of your bad day?" I asked.

James made a face. "Slaughterhouse Syd started today."

Remus muted the TV and I sat up eagerly. "Ooh, is she hot!?"

"Stay away from her, Padfoot," he responded immediately, shooting me a look.

"All I want to know is if she's hot or not," I argued.

"And if I say yes?"

I hesitated. Damn, he knew me well. "Well, then I guess I will have to find more reasons to visit you at work."

"Stay away from her, Sirius!"

"You do realize that the more you forbid him to go near her, the more he will want her," Remus pointed out.

I nodded. "It's true."

James groaned. "What are you, a child?"

"Yes."

James made a face. "Please, Sirius, just try and focus your sexual energy elsewhere. I'm sure you have a rolodex full of women who can help you with that."

I rolled my eyes. "Fine, but this just means we'll have to hit up Blarney's tonight."

"And that's different from every other night how?" Remus snorted before turning his gaze back on James. "So why do you want Sirius to stay away from this girl anyway?"

"Well, one, I work with her and that would be awkward. And two, she's a total bitch."

When he didn't continue, Remus rolled his eyes. "Oh, gee, could you be more vague please?"

James shrugged. "When I was out grabbing lunch with Fabian, she had the audacity to sit at my desk and go through my files. And later that afternoon, she had felt the need to inform me that some of my notes were biased and off-based. She then continued to lecture me on how the French Auror department handled all background checks and that their system is more efficient. She talks back to me, she is overly sarcastic, she's constantly questioning my abilities, and she called Lily inflatable!"

Remus and I exchanged a look full of amusement. "I'm sorry, what was that last one?" Remus said, trying hard to contain his laughter with very little success.

James scowled. "The girl is no good! That's all you need to know."

"Y'know, this girl sounds an awful lot like someone else back in the day that you used to complain about," Remus pointed out, a sly smile appearing on his face. "The same someone else you just so happen to have fallen in love with."

James scowled. "I don't like what you're insinuating."

Remus shrugged. "I'm simply pointing out that you seem to like girls who challenge you even if you claim-"

"Lafevre isn't challenging me. She's just downright obnoxious! Don't put her and Lily in the same category. Lily's fiery attitude is sexy. Lafevre's is disturbing."

"She sounds hot to me," I chimed in.

He glared at me. "Stay away from her!"

I grinned. Based off the brief description that James had given to me, I had a feeling the girl had swagger. And I liked swagger. "You take all the fun out of the chase," I murmured.

"There will be no fun because there will be no chase," James argued, shooting me a look. "I'm serious, Padfoot. For once, can't you just listen to me?"

I exchanged a concerned look with Remus. There was a heaviness in James' voice that caught me off-guard a bit. "Okay, what's really going on?" I dared to ask.

"Nothing," he replied a little too quickly. "Maybe I had just started getting used to the idea of having a single cubicle when in walked Slaughter-bitch Syd."

"How long did it take for you to come up with that name?" I joked.

James shot me an irritated look. I knew that something was deeply bothering James, but I also knew that when he got into one of his pissy, discouraged moods, he wasn't about to admit why. I had a feeling it probably had something to do with Lily. It always had something to do with Lily. I wondered what idiotic thing James did this time.

"I have a feeling that you were already in a bad mood before Sydny came on the scene," Remus suggested.

James hesitated, finishing off his second glass of Jack Daniels before responding. "It's nothing. Are we going to Blarney's or not?"

I sighed. Honestly, I wasn't sure I wanted to spend the next few hours at a bar with someone who was clearly cranky and grumpy, but I didn't have an excuse as to why I wouldn't go. "Yeah, let's go," I murmured, levitating all of our empty glasses down to the kitchen. "Want to invite the girls?"

James shook his head. "No, let's just make it a Guys Night Out."

Yep. Something was definitely up between him and Lily. And based off the curious expression on Remus' face, he had come to that conclusion as well.

++JAMES++

By the time the three of us got home, I was definitely intoxicated and definitely frustrated. I had had a long and exhausting day. A horrible day actually. Every time I see a dead body or I find myself in a duel or an ambush, my mind always immediately went to Lily. Because I just prayed that she never, ever would be that dead body I uncover or on the end of a terrifying duel or being forced into an ambush. I didn't know how to not worry about her. She was all I could ever think about. And seeing Wynona Wilkes' dead body today just made me worry more. It was impossible not to.

And if dealing with Wynona's dead body wasn't enough to make it a bad enough day, everything about Sydny Lafevre rubbed me the wrong way. After the discussion with Lily the night before, the last thing I had wanted to deal with was the new girl waltzing in and already pretending as if she was in control. Who the hell did she think was? On even a normal day where I hadn't just had the argument of a lifetime with Lily, I would have hated Sydny Lafevre.

The worst part was that all I really wanted to do in that moment to make myself feel better and to make that day suck just a little less was go crawling into Lily's bed, knowing that the comfort of having her beside me was enough to make me smile. But I couldn't do that. And I had no one else to blame but myself.

I grabbed another beer from our refrigerator (and made a mental note to pick up more) and headed out to the balcony outside my bedroom. It was past midnight, but I knew that I would just toss and turn for a second night in a row if I even attempted to crawl into bed.

I couldn't get Alice's words from that morning out of my head no matter how I tried. I knew that marriage wasn't just a piece of paper and I had only said that in hopes that she would just get off my back, but truth is, I knew that marriage was a sacred union of two individuals, two hearts, and two souls. But maybe that was the problem. Because it seemed as of lately my soul was lacking.

My routine lately had become exactly that: routine. I went through my every day activities without so much as a second thought. I stopped thinking and overanalyzing and caring and just started doing. Not to say that I didn't love my life and my friends and especially Lily. It was just a hell of a lot easier loving it all when I didn't have to continually agonize over what the next day was going to bring me. Or even just the next minute. Worrying was easy. Loving unconditionally wasn't.

First, Brite died and Bianca was left heartbroken. Next, my father left and my mother was left heartbroken. Then, Riley left and Sirius was left heartbroken. After that, JT died and my entire family was left heartbroken. And then Jillian left Remus and he was heartbroken. And I watched as others around me lost family members and loved ones by the hands of Voldemort. I was often stuck picking up the pieces. It was hard not to feel scared when I watched so many other people crumble around me. So maybe a part of me was trying to protect not only Lily from danger but myself from pain. Maybe I was just trying to protect us both from getting hurt.

Which is ironic considering our argument most definitely hurt her.

I don't know why I had neglected to tell Remus and Sirius earlier about the debate that I had had with Lily on Sunday. Probably because I knew what they would say. They would tell me to marry her. Which would be practically amusing coming from them. One, a guy who wouldn't touch marriage with a ten-foot pole. The other, a guy who had his heart crushed on what should have been his wedding day. Then again, maybe I'm the last bit of hope for the Marauders when it comes to a happy ending.

If I ever got that happy ending.

++LILY++

On Monday, I had hoped James would come crawling back to me with an apology. By Tuesday, I had just prayed that he would show up on my doorstep with a mere explanation. And on Wednesday, all I wanted was him. I didn't need the apology and I didn't need the explanation. I just wanted him. And if I didn't have any sort of dignity or willpower, I would have just gone to him, pretending the argument never happened.

Except it did. And I couldn't ignore it.

I always told myself that love was enough to conquer all. That even in the darkest and hardest of times, love would still prevail. But maybe I was wrong. Maybe there was more to commitment and devotion to one another than just love. There had to be more. Because in the darkest and hardest of times, you wanted more than just love. You wanted comfort. Security. Support. Honesty and loyalty. You wanted to know that everything was going to be okay. You wanted to know you would never give up on each other. You wanted their whole heart. I wanted James' whole heart. And right now, I didn't have it.

I knew that James loved me. But sometimes, it felt like he only loved me with half his heart. After Jaron's death, James started slipping away. His heart started breaking. Half his heart nowadays was in defensive mode, filled with mere concern and worry and fear for not just me but for everyone. Which was sweet and protective in its own way. But not the way I needed it.

As I slid into bed on Wednesday night, painfully aware that I didn't have the comfort of James beside me, I wondered if we'd be able to figure out exactly what our next move was going to be.

Because this whole avoiding each other thing wasn't working for me. And knowing James, I knew it probably wasn't working for him either.

++FABIAN++

"I am not going to be on call on both Friday and Saturday nights! I have a life you know!"

"Watching sports and drinking beer with your friends is not a life!"

"Yeah, well at least I have friends!"

"That's not saying much considering I just moved to this bloody city!"

"I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't have any friends back in France!"

"Who the hell are you to insult me and my life, Potter?"

"Oh, but it's okay for you to insult my life of watching sports and drinking beer?"

"That's not an insult, that's true!"

That's when I decided it was time to pop my head up over my cubicle to interrupt the fight breaking out between James and Sydny. "You guys do realize that everyone in this damned department can hear your lame argument, right?"

James rolled his eyes, irritation flickering in his eyes. At the staff meeting that morning, to no surprise to any of us, Moody had paired James and Sydny together as partners. We were never supposed to go out into the field alone, hence the idea of partners. One partnership was expected to stay in the Auror department on call at all hours of the night in case an emergency popped up. And at that moment, we were all supposed to be writing down our schedule preferences and while the rest of us seemed to have managed to handle that, James and Sydny were at each other's throats over the simple task. "Tell that to Miss Whore-house Syd," James muttered.

She glared at him. "How original," she drawled dryly. "And I'm sorry that I am actually trying to do my job."

"Work doesn't need to consume your whole life, Lafevre," James scowled.

"Maybe not to you, but being an Auror is my whole life. And I'll be damned if I don't live up to my own bloody expectations of myself because of you!"

There was a sense of aggravation in her voice that I could swear wasn't targeted towards James.

"You seriously need a hobby if your entire life is consumed by a job." I neglected to point that James' entire life was consumed by his job, too.

"This isn't just a job to me, Potter!"

James fell silent, gazing at her curiously. He sat back in his chair, his eyes filling with skepticism. "Why did you want to become an Auror?"

Shock registered on her face. "What does that have to do with us coming up with our on-call schedule preferences?"

He shrugged. "Sounds to me like you have a lot to hide."

"Yeah, and it sounds to me like it's none of your business!"

He shrugged. "Why did you want to become an Auror?" he repeated.

"I'm not going to sit here and play a ruddy game of 20 Questions, Potter!"

James threw his quill down, letting out an aggravated cry, and glanced up at me. "You are so bloody lucky to have Alice as a partner, Fabian."

This certainly was going to be an interesting partnership.

"Except I have to work around not only mine and Alice's schedules but Frank's, too," I reminded James. "So be grateful you only have to work around two schedules."

"I can second that!" a familiar voice called out from a cubicle on the other side of Fabian. "Not that I don't enjoy being paired with Frank!"

"That didn't sound very sincere, Caleb!" Frank argued back with a teasing grin.

"We're not talking about me, we're talking about James and Sydny!"

"Don't make me put Fridays and Saturdays down as our first choice for on-call nights!"

"I'm sure Alice would appreciate that!"

"Just as much as Shannon would!"

"Oh, will you two shut it?" James groaned. "This isn't about either one of you!"

"Are you sure? Because your and Sydny's screams seem to be making it about everyone in this department!" Caleb cried out.

"Hear, hear!" half a dozen Auror cries filled the room.

James glanced over at Sydny out of the corner of his eye. "See what you've done?" he muttered.

"Oh, right, because I'm the only one to blame here," Sydny said sarcastically, rolling her eyes. "What Moody was thinking when he paired you and me together is beyond me."

"Are you guys fighting again?"

James and Sydny stopped glaring long enough to glance up at Alice who had just traipsed in from a session with the recruits.

"Yes," I responded for them.

"Stay out of it, Prewett," James scowled.

"Believe me, I wish I could!" I retorted, shooting him an amused look. "But it's difficult when your screams fill the entire department and I'm forced to eavesdrop."

"Let me guess," Alice whined, propping herself up against James' desk. "You two have yet to come to agreeable terms?"

"Oh, I've come to agreeable terms," Sydny inserted immediately. "He hasn't."

James narrowed his eyes. "I refuse to be on call four days out of a seven-day week when there are nearly fifteen partnerships in this office!"

"Impressive, you've learned how many days there are in a week."

I couldn't help but chuckle. I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about Sydny. James was definitely right; she certainly had a lot to hide. But she also brought tons of amusement to the department. While I was already getting irritated by the arguments that broke out between her and James, it ironically brought me back to the days at Hogwarts when James and Lily used to have heated debates. It was somewhat nostalgic and I, for one, was curious who was going to eventually claim total authority and come out on top: James or Sydny.

James glared at her. "Have you always been this so obnoxious?"

She grinned snidely. "Yes. But you in particular bring out the worst in me."

"What an honor," he said sarcastically, wiping away a fake tear.

Sydny let out a frustrated scoff before standing up abruptly. "I'm in desperate need of coffee," she murmured, glancing briefly over at James. "Mostly because I need caffeine but partly because I need something to throw in Potter's face."

"Oh, then you can pick me up a latte, too," James retorted.

I snickered when she flipped him off and stormed out.

"It's been two and a half days, James," I said, quirking an eyebrow. "Any chance you know when this back-and-forth bickering will cease?"

"Don't look at me," James grunted. "This is all her doing."

"It takes two to argue," Alice challenged.

"No, it takes two to tango," James corrected. "It takes one to be obnoxious and insufferable."

"You don't think you're being a bit obnoxious back?" I pointed out.

James glared at me. "I am seriously not in the mood for some ridiculous pep talk, Prewett. She doesn't get to waltz in here one day and attempt to control everything. She-"

"No, because apparently controlling everything is your job," Caleb's voice interrupted. Just a few seconds later, he was appearing at the side of James' cubicle, leaning his arms on top of the cubicle wall with a knowing look. "Or at least trying to."

James scowled and I cringed inwardly, knowing that while we all agreed with Caleb, saying it aloud to James wasn't going to go well. "Don't be condescending, Gilmore," James snapped. "I've had a shitty week to say the least and I don't need your bullshit."

"Who said anything about bullshit?" Caleb argued with a curt shrug. "You know I'm right."

"I know I'm going to kick your ass if you say anything more on the matter."

Caleb sighed, exchanging a look with both myself and Alice. There wasn't much we could say when James was in one of his moods (my guess is something happened with Lily recently) to show him he was being unreasonable. He was stubborn as they come and wouldn't give in to anything we had to say. "If you say so," Caleb muttered, heading back to his own desk.

James sighed. "Would it be wrong of me to start drinking now? Might make it easier to compromise with Sluttyhouse Syd."

"Do the names make you feel better?" Alice snickered.

"Quite," he responded immediately. "Who's got a flask?"

I snickered. "Can't you just wait until Majestic's tonight?" Once a month, the Aurors all have a standing date at Majestic Bar across the street from the Ministry for Karaoke. It was a way for us to just let loose and have a bit of fun as a way of distracting ourselves from the horrors that Voldemort and his Death Eaters unleashed upon the world.

"That's six hours away!" he whined.

I glared at him.

He slumped down sheepishly. "Okay, fine, but can I complain about the many ways Syphilis Lafevre bugs me the entire time?"

"Only after I've gotten drunk," I joked.

"Um, James?" Alice said, a guilty look playing across her face. "I…uh…I hate to break it to you, but I kinda invited Sydny out tonight."

James groaned. "Why the hell would you do that!?"

"Because it's an Auror night out. She's an Auror as much as you wish she wasn't," she snickered. "Besides, she's new in town. She doesn't know anyone."

"Yes, as you so kindly pointed out earlier, James," I chimed in.

James glared at me. "Seriously, anyone have a flask?"

"Drinking on the job? I knew you were no professional."

With an annoyed look, James turned to gaze at Sydny. "Don't make me accidentally knock that coffee out of your hands on to your chiffon top."

Sydny quirked an eyebrow. "Do I dare ask how you know what chiffon is?"

"I have a girlfriend."

"Ah, yes, the inflatable one."

Alice and I both couldn't help but laugh as James smacked his forehead against his desk. "Need. Flask. Now," he murmured.

Sydny just grinned. "I do have that effect on people."

Yep. Definitely going to be an interesting partnership.

++JAMES++

I bailed on Karaoke pretty early on in the night much to Frank and Fabian's protests. But after about a half hour of Sydny making fun of my beer choice and Caleb's and my rendition of Jackson 5's "ABC", I was done dealing with her. It didn't help that Alice kept pestering me about Lily. Which meant that everyone found out she and I were in a fight, giving them ample opportunity to pester me as well.

Lily. I haven't seen her in three days but it felt like weeks. I wondered what was going through her mind because I sure as hell wasn't sure what was going through mine.

I grabbed a beer from our fridge (I was grateful that Remus had picked up some more earlier that day) and headed out to the balcony off my bedroom. I would say I spent about 50% of my time on that balcony. It looked out over the expansive backyard and when I was worried or nervous about something, the vast square footage somehow made me feel slightly comforted. It was quiet and peaceful and reminded me that life didn't have to always be so crazy and chaotic. And considering I was worried or nervous most of the time, that balcony had become a best friend fast.

I heard a rustling outside my door and glanced back. I nodded acknowledgement at Sirius before turning back to the skyline.

"Aren't you cold?" Sirius asked, leaning against the doorframe.

"No," I murmured.

"What are you doing home so early? I thought it was Karaoke night."

I frowned. "It is. But Bitchy Lafevre tagged along and I didn't want to spend any unnecessary time with her. So I skipped out."

"So the hot girl is still bothering you?"

"You don't know she's hot!"

Sirius shrugged, a cheeky grin on his face. "I choose to believe she's hot."

I turned to glare at him. "Don't make me ask you again to stay away from her."

Sirius grunted, rolling his eyes. "Okay, okay," he muttered. "But in return, you mind telling me what the hell is going on with you? You've been acting weird all week."

"Weird how?"

"Quiet."

"Hm, that is weird, isn't it," I muttered. It was my lame attempt at a joke.

Sirius sighed. "What happened with Lily, Prongs?"

My heart skipped a beat. I'm not surprised that Sirius picked up on the fact that I was bothered by something to do with Lily. I pursed my lips, gripping my beer tightly out of fear. Even the mention of Lily's name put me into a tailspin. Maybe I worried too much. Hah. Did I just say maybe? I definitely worried too much. Too bad I didn't know how to stop. "Why do all of the names of the problem girls end with y?" I muttered irritably.

There was a long pause, most likely due to confusion. "Uh…what?" he eventually said after processing my random question.

I cracked a smile. "Sydny, enough said. Lily's been on my case lately and her name ends with y. Dezzy was most definitely a problem child growing up! Riley, definitely enough said. I'm not sure what problems Kay has caused but I'm sure we can include her, too."

Sirius was giving me an incredulous look. "Is this what you've been thinking about all of this time out here?"

"I'm drunk," I pointed out. Not entirely true, but what did Sirius know? "I don't have a lot of thoughts swarming through my head."

"Well, I guess Frank's certainly a lucky guy to be marrying someone named Alice."

"And Fabian's lucky to be dating Keegan."

"I'll have to make a mental note to stay away from girls whose names end with y. Guess I can't go out with Hailey again."

"Do you ever really go out with the same girl more than once?"

Sirius cracked a smile. "What's Lily been on your case about?"

Damn, I thought we dropped that subject. "Nothing."

"Liar."

I frowned, letting out a sharp sigh. I hesitated before eventually saying, "Marriage."

There was a long stint of silence and had to turn around to make sure he was still standing there. A look of intrigue was plastered on his face. "Marriage, hm? Are you two planning on-"

"No," I interrupted immediately. "Well, she wants to. But I…I don't know. I just…"

Sirius sighed. "Not that I should be the one promoting the barbaric custom of marriage, but you have been dating Lily for nearly four years. What do you really expect?"

I cringed, finishing off the rest of my beer. "Am I a horrible person for wishing that this subject never came up in the first place?"

"Yes."

I glared at him.

"Sorry, but I speak the truth."

I really wish I had thought of grabbing another beer.

"Where did you two leave things?" Sirius asked curiously.

"We…we kinda didn't," I admitted. "It's very open-ended."

He hesitated. "I have absolutely no idea what that means."

I sighed. "Yeah, well, neither do I."

"We need Remus."

"What?"

Before I knew what was happening, Sirius was traipsing through my room screaming out Remus' name. Great. Not only did Alice and the entire Auror department and Sirius know my personal business but now Remus was getting involved. I should have just kept my mouth shut.

"This better be good!" Remus grumbled from inside my bedroom. Minutes later, he appeared in the balcony doorframe. "What do you want?"

"Talk to your friend," Sirius requested, pointing at me.

"About what?"

"Marriage."

Remus quirked an eyebrow. "I always knew you two were meant to be together."

"Not marriage with me, marriage with Lily, you prat," Sirius argued, smacking Remus on the back of his head.

"Ow," Remus murmured, rubbing his head. "What's there to talk about? You finally giving into peer pressure and proposing to her?"

"No," I muttered. I didn't have to ask him what he meant by peer pressure. With everyone I know either getting married or getting engaged, it was as if a bigger force was pushing me towards the idea of proposing to Lily. But it was the bigger force called the dangers that Voldemort presented that was making me so hesitant. "I…I want things to just stay the same. What's so wrong with that?"

"The fact that Lily will leave you if you don't get your act in gear," Remus responded immediately.

I jerked my head in his direction in shock. "That's a little extreme, isn't it?"

"Let me ask you a question: is she going to give up her desire for marriage?"

I frowned and didn't respond.

"Let me ask you another question," Remus said softly when I remained mute. "Are you going to give up your desire to not marry?"

I shut my eyes tightly, wanting to get away from all these questions and ambiguity in the balcony that I have come to know as my sanctuary. "Let's go back inside."

Remus and Sirius shared a concerned look which I ignored as I swept past them into my bedroom. I stifled a yawn and lay down in my bed with an irritated groan. Sirius leaned up against my dresser and Remus took the beanbag chair in the corner (yes, I have a beanbag chair. Sirius bought it for me as a joke). "What are you thinking, James?" Remus dared to ask.

I stared up at my ceiling in bewilderment, silence engulfing the three of us. Remus was right; I didn't know if I wanted to give up my desperate and yet unreasonable need to just keep things the way they were. Every time I tried to make a change, something bad happened. And for once, I just wanted to keep things stable. But I also didn't expect Lily to give up her desires to be with me until the end of time, tied together in matrimony. I eventually said in all honesty, "I don't know."

"Well," Remus said slowly, "Do you want me to tell you what I think you're thinking?"

I hesitated. Probably not. "Am I going to want to hear this?"

"No."

I sighed. "Go ahead."

He exchanged a quick look at Sirius and I suddenly had a feeling they've discussed this particular subject before. Eventually, Remus turned to me with a sigh. "I think you're hiding behind Lily."

Hm, not exactly what I was expecting. "Hiding behind her?" I snorted. "Why would I be doing that?"

"I'm not saying you're not in love with the girl," he started, giving me a knowing look, "Because Merlin knows you have been ever since you set eyes on her on that Hogwarts train ten and a half years ago. I'm just saying that there's a part of you that's holding back from her, a part of you that fears your relationship, a part of you that wants to play it safe."

"Excuse me? What are you babbling about?" I grunted, my eyes bleeding frustration.

Remus fixed his stare on me, his face firm as stone, his eyes hard as ice. His expression remained even, his lips forming a tight line as he designed to get my undivided attention. "You are not your parents, James," he said confidently, his words drawn out and determineted.

I froze, realizing exactly what he was referring to. Exactly what I've been pretending not to be so concerned about. "I have no idea what you're talking about," I lied.

Sirius rolled his eyes, using this time to chime in. "Yes you do," he argued. "James, just because your parents' marriage didn't work out, doesn't mean that yours wouldn't either."

I really needed to find people who didn't seem to know everything about me. Even the things I was too afraid to admit. "You guys don't know what you're talking about," I argued, my teeth gritting together angrily.

"Yes, we do," Sirius and Remus said in unison. They did that a lot.

"And you know it," Remus added, shooting me a look.

I opened my mouth to retaliate but found no argument. Because sadly, they were right. Well, they were partly right. There was a lot more to do with it than even they realized. Than even I realized sometimes. I turned away from their scrutinizing gaze. "This isn't just about my parents," I admitted in a small voice, a heavy sigh escaping from my lips.

"Then what is it about?" Remus asked curiously.

That slight bit of vulnerability gave way to futility and I shrugged coolly. "It's about the fact that I have to get up early and go to the training facilities to help Lafevre prepare for her training session and it's nearly midnight. So if you don't mind-"

"You are such a coward, James, y'know that?" Remus interrupted with a desperate grunt. "If you don't want to tell us what's running through your head, you should at least have the decency to tell Lily. That girl deserves more than what you have been giving her."

Did he not know that I realize that? That Lily deserved more than my fearful attitude I've been giving her? I didn't need to be berated by a friend who should know exactly what it feels like to lose the love of your life. "I'm not going to ask her to marry me, Remus. I can't do that to her," I grunted vulnerably, drawing my expression into a glare.

"Can't do what? Make her happy?" he snorted.

"No," I grunted, my frustration at the situation getting the better of me, "But thank you for being condescending."

"I'm not trying to be condescending," he retaliated. "I'm trying to understand."

"You can't understand!" I snapped, shaking my head. "No one can understand! How the hell am I supposed to ask that girl to marry me!?" I roared, my voice on the brink of trembling. "I would never wish a life of inevitable failure and overwhelming heartbreak on anyone!"

Sirius and Remus exchanged a silent look of confusion. They really needed to stop doing that. "What are you talking about, James?" Sirius dared to ask.

I knew that I just backed myself into a corner. I knew I couldn't ignore my feelings anymore. I couldn't continue worrying without attempting to do something about it. So maybe it was time to tell someone exactly what I was so scared of.

I sighed, shutting his eyes tightly. "Just look at every couple I've ever known," I eventually said, slumping down on my bed. "My mother and father? He left her after thirty years of marriage. Thirty years of what was supposed to be a loving committed marriage disappeared in a matter of seconds. And please don't take offense to this, Remus, but take a look at you and Jillian."

He tensed up immediately, a cringe on the edge of his lips.

"She waited until your wedding day to break it off," I sighed. "And Bianca was in the midst of planning her wedding when Brite was murdered. She never even got to see her wedding day. You were never engaged, Sirius, but look at what happened between you and Riley. You were more than heartbroken when she disappeared."

Sirius flinched at the name that no one had mentioned in his presence in over a year.

"So yeah, what else would I call it except for failure and heartbreak? Maybe complete and utter predestined fiasco is a better word for it? None of these break-ups could have been described as mutual or even comprehensible. They all tore apart as quickly as they were formed. And I don't want that to happen to me and Lily. I can't let that happen to us. I love her too much to lose her and…if keeping her at a slight distance from myself is the way to keep her then so be it."

They were both staring at me in awe, both of their expressions twisted in a sense of burdened sympathy. As they both attempted to form the words to argue my monologue, I added softly before they could come up with any sort of argument, "So I'm supposed to propose to the girl that I am head-over-heels in love with knowing that at some point in the future, our relationship will most likely be ripped to shreds in some sort of cruel, ugly affair?" I shook my head hurriedly. "You guys think it's crazy of me not to propose to Lily. But to me? The craziest thing I could possibly do is ask that girl to marry me. I've already had to deal with so much bullshit in my life. I just…I can't lose her, too. And I just feel like that's where we must be heading. So for once, why can't things just…just stay the way they are?"

It's all I wanted. Not just for me but for everyone around me. I just wanted stability for once. Was that so much to ask? Change has always frightened the hell out of me, mostly because change for me often meant tragedy. So why should it be any different with Lily?

"James," Sirius spoke, his voice filled with intrigue. "Whether you keep her close or you keep her at a distance, it's not going to change what's happening in the world. You…you can't control everything."

"Why does everything keep saying that?" I muttered irritably.

"Unfortunately, change is inevitable," Remus spoke up. "No matter how hard you hope for it otherwise. Life…well, it never works out the way we want it to."

I glanced up at him and I had a pretty damned good feeling he was thinking of Jillian. "How did you know you wanted to get married?" I blurted out.

Shock registered on his face. I don't know what made me ask the question. The awkward question. His expression softened and he stared down at a stain on my carpet (a stain I kept on my floor because it reminded me of Brite; after he and Bianca broke up for the first time, he came home stumbling drunk, stole wine out of the wine cellar and managed to spill half a bottle of pinot noir on my floor as he warned me to never get a girlfriend. Hm, maybe he had been right.). Remus glanced back up at me and shrugged tersely. "I don't have a long and detailed explanation for you, James. The only thing I can really is that I…I proposed because I-I needed her." He frowned, adding, "Or at least I thought I did."

I locked eyes with Remus and realized that with all of the concerns and fears and questions I had been asking myself, I never once put any concern into how much I needed her. And the truth was, more than loving her or wanting her or lusting for her, I needed her. Desperately so. She was the one that reminded me that no matter how much tragedy was occurring in the world around me, I could at least find comfort and solace in her arms. She reminded me what it was like to just be happy, no matter how arduous a task it might be. I didn't just love her. I needed her.

"Don't be so afraid of the future and of the possibility of tragedy that you're blinded by worry," Remus urged.

Damn, he knew me well.

"And don't be so afraid of the future that you find yourself afraid of the present, too," he added.

Seriously, it's like he was reading my mind.

Remus stifled a yawn and maneuvered himself off the beanbag chair. "Just a thought, James."

"That's at least two thoughts," I muttered.

Remus shrugged. "Well, I'm not Sirius. I do show signs of intellect now and again."

"Thanks for that, mate," Sirius snorted.

Remus flashed him a grin, smacking him on the leg and gesturing towards the door. "C'mon, let's go."

As Remus shoved Sirius out the door while Sirius attempted to list off the few times he used his brain, I said, "Thanks, Moony."

He offered me a dismissive wave while telling Sirius he was an idiot. Remus shut the door behind him, leaving me alone to ponder what my next move should be with Lily.

++KAY++

I meandered into my flat that night feeling rather down. I had just gone out for a few drinks with Lily and just after a few minutes, I knew something was wrong. Suddenly she was detailing the argument she shared with James on Sunday evening about their future together. With every word she spoke, my heart would develop distraught aches for both of them. They were both going through so much and it was obvious James was too terrified to even talk to Lily about his numerous worries and concerns. But there was no doubt in my mind that James Potter held more fear inside of him than anyone I've ever known. And hell, why shouldn't he? He's lost more than the rest of us combined.

Glancing at the time, I noted it was nearing midnight. I hadn't planned on staying that late as I was given the early morning shift at St. Mungo's and needed to be out the door in just four and a half hours but Lily was in clear need of a friend so I wasn't about to let her down.

As I slipped into the bedroom, I prayed that those two would work it out and soon. They were James and Lily. Two people who had strove to hate each other for six years and then beat the inevitable odds and shocked us all by falling in love. Both of them had lived through so much tragedy and misfortune and were able to find solace and comfort in being with each other. They provided us all with hope and happiness. If they could do it, any of us could.

Glancing at my sleeping fiancé, I couldn't help the smile that broke out across my face. All couples have their share of problems. And that doesn't exclude Lance and me. Starting with the drama back in Hogwarts where Riley first disapproved of our relationship. And since then, we've had arguments. One being that I work too many hours and don't get to spend as much time with Lance as he would like. Two being that his mother and grandmother meddle far too much. Three being that he will occasionally defend Riley if and when her name is ever mentioned. But while these arguments will be long and screaming will ensue, every single time ends in passionate make-up sex. And all was forgotten.

Unfortunately, I had a feeling that make-up sex wouldn't be the solution to Lily and James' problem.

With a cheeky smile, I threw off my mediwitch robes and let them scatter to the floor haphazardly, leaving me in merely my bra and underwear. I crawled on top of Lance, pressing my lips against the back of his neck. He stirred slightly, peeking one eye open. "Hey," he whispered breathlessly, the one word filled with so much love and adoration.

"Hey to you too," I murmured, kissing his shoulder before placing my head on the nook of his back. "Thank you," I whispered faintly.

He hesitated, reaching behind him for my hand to squeeze it. "For what?"

I squeezed it back. "For making it so easy to love you."

He slowly fell to the side, which made me slide off his back. His eyebrow arched when he caught sight my outfit, or lack thereof. "What's going on, Kay?"

This time, I climbed on top of him with a sad smile, resting my chin on his chest. "James and Lily are going through something."

He leaned over to kiss me. "What kind of something?"

"He doesn't want to get married."

Lance's eyebrows shot upward. "Ouch."

"Yeah," I sighed.

"So…what does that mean for them?"

"I don't know," I whispered softly, anxiety building up inside of me.

He frowned, reaching out and running his hands along the frame of my face, pushing my hair from my face before once again, pressing his lips to mine without a word.

I scooted upward on his body as the kiss intensified, our tongues intertwining desperately with each other. A light moan escaped my lips as Lance slammed his lips determinedly against mine. Kissing Lance never got old. I always felt such intense passion between us. I always will.

When our lips broke apart, my eyes met his with overwhelming desperation. "We're going to be together forever, right?" I whispered.

He smiled, his hands slipping down my back fondly. "I wouldn't want it any other way."

I don't know why, but relief filled my heart. I quickly sealed it with a kiss.

A/N: Lots of James, some of Lily, some insight on Sydny (yay!), and a tiny bit of Kay and Lance (who are a favorite couple of mine, by the way). Next chapter with thankfully provide us with the answer to the obvious question: what's going to happen between James and Lily? What do you think is going to happen? Please review!