A/N: Yeah, I'm a bad person for leaving you with two cliffhangers. But enough about that. Let's just dive right into the next chapter!
Disclaimer: Almost everything you read here belongs to the talented J.K. Rowling...except for the occasional character and plot line.
Goodbyes on the Balcony
By ByeByeBirdie
Chapter 16: Of Amends, Tequila, & Hate
++SYDNY++
I froze completely when I heard that Jonathan Potter was in the office. He had been the liaison in the British office when the situation with my father occurred and now that he was the Second in Command at the Italian Auror Offices, I could guarantee he had been fully briefed on the incident. I was afraid that with Jonathan Potter in my presence, my entire cover would be blown.
"Uh, sure," I heard James mutter behind me to Dedalus. "Send him down."
I buried my head in my work, my heart beating a mile a minute. I heard the footsteps but didn't dare turn around. Not a word had been uttered for quite some time and I could only presume they were staring each other down.
Finally, James spoke. "Dad," he said, his voice wavering slightly, "What are you doing here?"
"Your brother's back."
A sigh escaped James' lips. "Yeah, I know."
Pause. "You do?"
"Yeah, he came to see me two nights ago," he muttered hesitantly. "Well, he actually came to see you and Mom but seeing you abandoned us four years ago and Mom doesn't live in Potter Manor anymore, I was the one who spoke to him."
There was a lot of bitterness in James' voice and I suddenly felt very sorry for him. He had had this amazing life for so many years and starting with the day Wyatt disappeared, his world had started to collapse. For the first time since I came to London, I realized we had a lot in common.
"Is he alright?"
"Well, he's not dead so I guess there's that," he drawled sarcastically.
"And he really came looking for his mother and me?"
"Dad, what the hell are you doing here?" James asked, his voice growing with irritation.
By the sounds of rustling, I assumed that Jonathan Potter leaned up against James' desk with a heavy sigh. "Look, James, Wyatt is in immense danger. He will be…er…well, I can only presume that he will be going into hiding soon. I would-"
"I already know this."
There was another long pause. "How much did he tell you?"
"Dad!" James cried out irritably. "As far as I know, you haven't bothered showing your face in London since JT's funeral and you certainly haven't set foot in this office since you transferred to Italy so this must be pretty damn important. Do you mind just getting to your point already?"
"I need to see him."
Even I was shocked by that declaration.
"You drove him away. Why the hell do you need to see him now?" His voice was filled with accusation.
"I know I drove him away. I-I know that I was the reason he ran off," he whispered. "I need to make amends, James. Or at least talk to him. And I know that I need to do that before he goes into hiding or I'll lose any chance of speaking to him. I don't expect you to understand, but-"
"What I don't understand is what I can do to help."
There was another long pause where I couldn't help but wonder the same thing. It was obvious that he hadn't known James had had any contact with Wyatt so how could James help him get in contact with Wyatt?
"Well, I'm not really here to see you," he finally said.
Yet again, I was filled with confusion.
"Well, then who are you here to see?"
"Her."
I didn't need to be facing them to know that both of their eyes were resting on the back of my head. I was left completely dumbfounded. How Jonathan Potter had any clue that I was involved with Wyatt was beyond me. I slowly turned around in my chair to face the two of them. James was staring at me, looking helpless and downtrodden. I figured that had more to do with seeing his father than it had to do with me. But Jonathan was looking at me with a hopeful expression, almost desperate.
I played dumb. "And who are you?"
James rolled his eyes at me. "Don't pretend you haven't been listening."
I sighed and glanced towards Jonathan Potter. It had been nearly nine years since I had seen him last (and those circumstances were definitely graver) and I wondered if he even knew who I really was nine years later considering I had supposedly fallen off the face of the Eart. Glancing at him, he looked infinitely older. Large bags filled the spaces under his eyes and his hair was now completely gray. His right leg was jittering anxiously and he looked distressed. Something told me it was a permanent look and not just due to his son's reappearance after so many years. "How exactly am I supposed to help you?" I asked hesitantly.
"I've been told you might have information on his whereabouts."
"What?" James asked, confused.
I hesitated, ignoring James. "Who did you talk to?"
He hesitated, his gaze flickering slightly over at his son.
"Let me guess," James interjected with a mutter. "Dumbledore or Moody?"
Jonathan didn't respond immediately, the frown on his face becoming rather permanent. He met my gaze. "Alastor," he said softly. "I had him promise years ago to inform me if he ever heard of Wyatt returning."
"Who says Wyatt even wants to talk to you, Dad?" James asked, the bitterness of his tone shining through.
"He probably doesn't but that's not going to stop me."
"He's in danger, sir," I pointed out hesitantly. "If I put you two in touch, you're putting yourself in danger."
"I know all about the danger he's in and I appreciate your concern, but-"
"You know?" James said with an irritable groan. "Bloody hell, did everyone know before I did?"
The words were ignored by Jonathan. "I know the only reason he put himself in the ultimate precarious position was because of me. So I would hope you could understand the severity behind my reasons for needing to speak to my son."
I could. I just wasn't so sure it was a good idea.
"Oh, just help him, Lafevre," James snapped. "Maybe then he'll scurry off back to Italy and leave the rest of us behind. Leaving a family behind seems to be a common theme amongst the Potters."
Ouch.
"James, please-"
"I have to go help the recruits with concealment training," he spoke coolly, climbing off of his chair. "Nice seeing you again, Dad." The words were filled with sarcasm.
I jumped up from my chair, blocking James' way out of the cubicle. "You don't have that training for another hour," I pointed out.
He scowled at me. "I need to prepare."
"Oh, you do not. You're a master of concealment charms, Potter."
"Compliments aren't going to keep me from leaving."
"They should considering I never give you any."
"Stop stalling me, Lafevre."
"Stop trying to run off!"
"Are you always this annoying?"
"Hah! Look who's talking, Potter."
"And now look who's leaving."
"James."
"Sydny."
I sighed. "You're impossible, y'know that?"
"James, please don't run off," Jonathan finally spoke up, desperation flickering in his eyes. "Wyatt isn't the only son I'd like to make amends with."
"You're about four years too late for that, Dad," James snapped. "Go find your other sons to grovel to. Oh, that's right, you can't because two of them are already dead! Are you just making the rounds now knowing we're all going to be picked off one by one sooner or later?"
The color in Jonathan's face drained as he steadied himself against the desk. "I'm making the rounds, James, because after all of these years, you deserve the truth."
"I've already learned the truth from Wyatt, thank you very much."
Jonathan hesitated as he slowly met my gaze. I could see the hesitant guilt in his eyes and I desperately prayed that whatever 'truth' he was referring to wasn't the truth I so desperately did not want James to know. "I'm not talking about the truth behind Wyatt's disappearance. I'm talking about the truth behind why Voldemort is after the Potters."
Oh, shit. My head was screaming in panic. I desperately tried to find anything to say to break up this reunion before it went too far.
Thankfully, James saved the day. "I hardly think you would know anything about that considering you walked away from the Potter name four years ago."
"I walked away to protect all of you," he urged in a guilty whisper. "I left because I thought that might lessen the target on your back Voldemort had been determined to put there a long time ago. A target that is there because of me. I thought I was doing what was necessary to save my family."
"Turning your back on us was the way to save us?" James scowled, his voice carrying over to nearby cubicles. I wasn't surprised when heads began to turn our way.
"Please just let me explain," he pleaded.
"I am so bloody tired of everyone leaving and bringing their secrets with him just to claim it's in my best interest," James snapped, the anger in his eyes unmistakable. "Maybe not keeping me in the dark is in my best interest! Did anyone ever consider that?"
I frowned. "Potter, you-"
"Don't even get me started on you, Lafevre," he snapped, shooting me the coldest look I've seen from him as of yet. "It's as if any time I find out anything about the happenings of my tragic life, you're just smack dab right in the middle of it."
You have no idea how 'in the middle' of it I really am, James Potter. "I'm sorry, Potter," I said softly. And I meant it. I really did.
"That would hold a lot more weight if you didn't have so much to be sorry for," he scoffed.
"I know," I admitted remorsefully.
"James, please," Jonathan spoke up once again. "Just hear me out. It's all I ask."
"You lost the right to ask me anything after abandoning your family," James sneered. There was so much hostility and resentment in his voice and in his expression. I knew that while a lot of it was targeted towards his father, some of it was targeted towards myself and Wyatt and Dumbledore and Moody and Voldemort and frankly, the world. "I get why you thought you had to do it but what about after what happened with Jaron? Was that not a tip-off that you running off to Italy didn't seem to sway Voldemort's plans? And did you even know that Dezzy was attacked recently on her honeymoon? Did you even know she was married considering you didn't bother showing up for the wedding? Do you know anything about our family anymore, Dad? Because frankly if you did, you would have tried making amends a lot earlier than now. Save your breath because I don't want to hear it. Now if you excuse me, I need to be anywhere else but here."
He slid past his father and practically stormed down the hallway. The uneasy expressions on my surrounding coworkers' faces didn't go unnoticed but my gaze fell upon Jonathan in the end.
"He's one hell of a stubborn guy," I said in an attempt to lighten the mood.
He frowned. "He's one hell of an angry guy," he said softly. "And he has every right to be."
I couldn't argue with that.
"Now where did we land on the whole you being able to help me locate Wyatt?"
++SIRIUS++
"But then he died," Keegan had said.
Oh, shit.
I froze, not sure what to even say or do. For the first time in my entire life, I had no words to say. My face drained of all color as I glanced up at Keegan, remorse weighing heavily in my eyes. "Keegan-"
"I don't want to hear it, Black," she spoke, her voice trembling with every word. "Ever. Don't ever try to tell me that I don't know what it feels like to not say goodbye or what it feels like to be abandoned. Don't talk to me about all the what-ifs and what-could-have-beens. Don't talk to me about heartbreak or losing the love of your life. Because at least Riley is still out there somewhere. Tristan Moreau is dead. And I realize that that means he didn't leave me on his own volition, but it hurts nonetheless. Maybe it hurts more. Because I know that I will never, ever get to see him again. I will never get closure and I will never be able to say good-bye to him. I'll never get any of that. So as weird as it may sound, you're lucky. Because maybe one day you'll find the answers to all those questions in your head," she spat out in a hurt whisper. Tears glistened in the bottom of her eyes and she didn't even try to disguise them. She gazed up at me and for the first time since I met her, I saw vulnerability. I saw fear. But mainly, I saw pain. "Unfortunately, I never will."
She slammed her empty coffee cup down on the table and stormed off before I could even process what was happening. I felt awful for the way I acted. I had been a royal jerk to her the other night and even now, I had been a bit cheeky. I had thought she was going to give me some spiel about how some guy had broken her heart years ago by dumping her and as it turned out, the worst thing that possibly could have happened to anyone happened to her. Riley might have disappeared in the middle of the night (which is an entirely different phase of hurt) but she was still alive somewhere. While I may not feel like I ever want to speak to her again, I could potentially get the answers to the questions running through my mind if I ever desired them. But Tristan was gone forever.
Maybe she did have an idea of what I had gone through. But I sure as hell didn't have a clue what she had gone through. Nor did I try to even understand. I wasn't sure exactly why I had egged her on that morning. But I had a feeling it had more do to with curiosity than actual compassion like I had said. I hadn't been ready to hear what she had to say. Because maybe she had been right the other night. Maybe a part of me had been scared that she knew a little about what I had gone through with Riley. It's a lot easier pretending as if you're fine when someone isn't staring at you in scrutiny every time you say you're fine. It's the look of pity I sometimes saw from Remus. The look of pity I sometimes gave to Remus. I didn't know the whole story of what happened between him and Jillian, no one did, but heartbreak was heartbreak. And when you lost someone earlier than you had anticipated without a goodbye and without any closure, that heartbreak hurt even more. It's what happened to me. It's what happened to Remus. And it's apparently what happened to Keegan.
No wonder Keegan was so cynically sarcastic and defensively guarded all the time. Why shouldn't she be? She lost the love of her life in the worst way possible and I could guarantee she was afraid it was going to happen again to the next guy she dated. It's why she didn't like to get close to anyone. To guys or to potential friends. It's why she ran all the time. Because it's harder staying put when you might have face the reality of your failed relationships. Some by choice, some not. All starting with Tristan Moreau.
I froze. Wait, had she really said Tristan Moreau? As in the Tristan Moreau? My heart stopped as my coffee cup fell out of my hands and to the table, splattering lukewarm coffee on to my slacks. But I barely noticed.
My mind was swarming with a million overwhelming thoughts. The only one I tried listening to was the one telling me I needed to talk to James and Fabian.
++JAMES++
My immediate reaction was to storm down to the training facilities and take my aggression out on the track. But as I slipped past Moody's office, my feet had an entirely different plan.
Without even bothering to knock (an error in judgment clouded by frustration I later realized), I pushed open his half-shut door and then proceeded to slam the door behind me. I didn't really want witnesses for the shouting match I was about to have.
"I have always looked up to you, Moody," I started rather calmly. "You have been an inspiration to me since day one here. Since before I even started here! I heard all about you through my father and through Brite and through Nora. You were someone I always strove to become. I had believed that I could trust you with my life – and hell, on occasion I have trusted you with my life! But to find out that after all of these years, you've been keeping a vaultfull of endless secrets about my life has made me question a lot of that trust!" I knew I was on the verge of hysterics but at that moment, I didn't care.
He blinked, clearly thrown by the early morning interruption. He placed his quill slowly down on his desk and leaned back in his chair, a frown creeping on to his complacent expression. "I understand you're angry, James, but I think we both know it's not me you are truly angry with. You are just taking out your frustrations on me."
"With just cause," I snapped.
"I never said it wasn't justified," he was quick to argue. "You can yell at me and insult me and berate all you want as I've scolded myself on numerous occasions for the way things have turned out."
"Does that include having my deadbeat father show up at the office out of the blue because you decided it would be a good idea for him to know Wyatt is back?"
Moody frowned broodingly. "Jonathan showed up here?"
"He's with Lafevre right now."
He blinked. "He's here now?"
"That's what I just said, isn't it?"
His eyes met mine. "That must have come as quite a shock to you."
"Ya think?" I snorted. "Why all the secrets, Moody? Why the conspiracies and the sneaking around and the backstabbing? Why has my life been so enamoring to you these past couple of years?"
"James-"
"Was I only accepted into this damn Auror Department because you wanted to keep a close eye on me?"
"Now that's not fair," he retaliated, giving me a stern look. "You and I both know you're one of the best damned Aurors in this Department so don't go belittling your career out of frustration."
"Well, what do you expect me to believe?" I shot back, slowly pacing across the floor as I often did when feeling anxious. "From what I understand, the tragedies of my life have been in the forefront of your mind and Dumbledore's and apparently some chick I only just recently met and, oh yeah that's right, Voldemort's, yet I'm only just finding out that death is pretty much inevitable for every single person in my life!"
"Don't you think that's a tad dramatic?"
"Can you blame me for being dramatic, Moody!?" I roared.
"No," he responded almost immediately. "I know you're freaking out inside, James. I know-"
"I'm not freaking out."
A smirk appeared on his face. "Screaming at your boss isn't freaking out?"
I frowned, halting my pacing to gaze at him in pure unamusement. "I'm not screaming. Just venting."
He shrugged. "Whatever it is, you have every right to be concerned. You've been provided with a lot of information recently that I'm sure is making your head spin. Whatever Albus or Sydny or Wyatt told you can't be easy to retain."
"How the hell did you know I spoke to Wyatt?" I muttered. "Do you and Sydny hold clandestine meetings every night to talk about the happenings of my life?"
He chuckled. "We keep each other informed."
"Why did you move her here?"
"Excuse me?"
"Seems to me that she was doing a better job of being a protector when in France. She shows up on the scene and then suddenly people are dying and being kidnapped and being attacked left and right."
Moody's eyes turned wary. "She's not working for Voldemort if that's what you're insinuating."
"That's not what I'm insinuating," I was quick to argue. "I'm just wondering why now. Why after all of these years of her apparently working for you did you think now would be a good time for her to be transferred here?"
He hesitated, not entirely meeting my gaze and I had a feeling that whatever he was about to say was going to be a vague version of the truth. "She requested to be transferred."
"Why?"
He shrugged. "You'd have to ask her that."
"Not sure if you've noticed, though you'd be blind not to, but we're not exactly the type to swap the intimate details of our personal lives with each other."
He tried to suppress a smile with little luck. "I think you two might be two of the most stubborn people I've ever worked with."
"Thanks, it's one of my best traits," I said quickly with a teasing smile.
Dammit, how does Moody do that? One minute I'm furious with him and the next, I'm joking with him.
"Keep your head up, James," he urged, a sense of pleading in his voice. "If you don't, you'll be swallowed into a pit of fear and depression and you're better than that. We need you ever-so-sprightly."
"Did you just call me sprightly?"
He grinned. "It was either that or nimble. I thought you'd prefer the former."
I rolled my eyes. "You really are mad, y'know that?"
"So I've been told."
As I wandered out of his office, I knew that the anger and fear and betrayal resting in the pit of my stomach had very little of it targeted towards Moody. Four years of working under him has taught me that he has always had his Aurors' best interests at heart and has proceeded to treat everyone with the respect they deserved. And I just had to go storming into his office and give him a reason not to respect me.
Dammit, these past few days have really been screwing with my head. I just prayed that eventually the overwhelming drama would die down.
I knew deep down that that was a prayer that would never come true.
++SIRIUS++
I had no idea if I was doing the right thing. Hell, I had no idea what to even say but I knew I had to do it now before I chickened out. I wanted so badly to let this information die with me (and inevitably Keegan), especially seeing as James did not need any more tragedies coming back to bite him in the ass. He's already been dealt a pretty crappy hand and I hated to pile more on top of him, but what choice did I have?
"Hey, Sydny," I greeted, resting up against James' desk.
She glanced behind me, looking rather unsurprised that I had shown up. "Merlin's beard, word travels fast around here," she muttered.
I had no clue what that meant. "What word?"
She frowned, gazing at me curiously. "You're not here because one of the other Aurors thought it best to warn you?"
"About what?"
"Frank or Alice? Fabian? Nora or Moody?"
I shook my head. "Tell me what?"
"No one?"
"Will you quit talking in code and tell me what you're babbling about?"
She slowly turned around in her chair to face me. "Well, then what are you here about?" she asked, avoiding the question.
"Sydny."
She sighed, running her fingers anxiously through her long blonde locks. "I'm only telling you this because Potter is clearly in need of help, exhibited by his yelling match with his boss, and I'm hoping you might be able to give it to him, but-"
"Yelling match? With Scrimgeour?"
"Nah, Moody. But he-"
"What?" That thoroughly shocked me as it was evident James had always immensely looked up to Moody.
"I know, it came as a shock to all of us."
"So what set him off?"
She frowned, a deep crease appearing between her eyebrows. "His father did."
My brow furrowed hesitantly. "Excuse me?"
"He showed up here this morning."
"He what!?"
"Yeah, my reaction precisely."
I felt my limbs slowly grow numb as I tried to imagine what could have gone through my best friend's head running into his dad for the first time in three years. I steadied myself against the desk as the room slowly started to fade into the background, wondering why the hell the world was desperate to throw such tragedies and unfortunate surprises at James Potter. He deserved better. "What the hell did Mr. Potter want with James?"
She sighed. "He…he didn't want anything with James. He actually came looking for me. Asking about Wyatt."
That somehow just made it worse. "Where is James now?" I said softly.
"Training facilities," she replied immediately. "Be careful with him. He's been through a lot late-"
"You don't think I know that?" I snapped, shooting her a look before strolling out of the cubicle back towards the elevator.
I found James sprinting around the track and took a hesitant seat on one of the benches.
He nearly passed by me but after a quick double-take, he jogged over to me. I conjured up a towel and tossed it to him. "What are you doing here, Sirius?" he asked, swiping the sweat from his forehead.
I hesitated. What I had originally come to tell him clearly now had to wait. I wasn't about to make that day any worse for him. "Well, for one, I would love a play-by-play on your fight with Moody. Not many people are willing to go up against him."
He slowly removed the towel from his forehead. "Oh, you heard about that, hm?"
"Yeah," I said, nodding. "I heard about the other thing, too."
He didn't look me in the eye as he dropped on to the bench beside me. "I don't want to talk about it, Sirius. That's why I'm here and not up in that bloody cubicle with Lafevre and the rest of those curious Aurors constantly looking over my shoulder."
"We don't have to talk about it," I agreed with a shrug. "But I know it couldn't have been easy having your father show up after all these years just to find out he was actually looking for Sydny."
He sighed. "Story of my life, hm?"
"What?"
He frowned, slumping forward on the bench so he was resting his elbows on his knees. "When Wyatt showed up at Potter Manor, he hadn't come looking for me either."
I wasn't sure what he meant by that but I didn't question it. He looked so disparaged that I didn't want to add to it in any way. Based on the way he tilted his head to the side, I had a feeling he wasn't done saying what he needed to say anyway.
"And what really sucks," he continued, a tell-tale sign of regret visible in the crease on his forehead, "Is that I'm actually hurt by it. Two people who I have come to really be disappointed in and who I shouldn't care less about at the moment show up out of the blue and a part of me had actually wished they had sought me out. Two people who I have pretended to hate all this time but who I can't actually manage to for…hell, I don't even know. But what does that make me? A hypocrite, that's what."
"James-" but he cut me off.
"I haven't finished my run," he said, abruptly standing up off the bench. "See you later."
"James, c'mon," I urged but he was rushing off before anything could be said.
Dammit, all this time, I thought I had the most screwed up life but I was beginning to wonder if James took the cake on that one.
++SYDNY++
I hadn't seen James since he stormed out earlier but I wasn't surprised that he chose to remain hidden. I had no idea what I wanted to say to him anyway so I was somewhat relieved that he was MIA.
It wasn't until mid-afternoon that he reappeared. He was still wearing his work-out clothes, the sweat soaked through his T-shirt. I glanced up at him as he traipsed into our cubicle. He didn't say anything or even look at me. But he looked like a righteous mess. And that was saying a lot because as much as I knew a war had been brewing in James' mind and heart, he had always been so good at showing absolutely no sign of being burdened by any of it. Until today.
He grabbed a stack of folders and headed out.
"Potter, wait," I pleaded.
"I have nothing to say to you right now, Lafevre," he muttered, shrugging. "I have nothing to say to anyone. I-I just want to go home and forget that these past few days ever happened."
"You're going home?" That shocked my beyond belief. It was about two hours earlier than I've ever seen him leave the office.
He nodded.
I smiled. Maybe home was exactly what he needed. "Alright. I'll see you tomorrow."
He looked slightly surprised that I didn't push it but merely nodded as he walked out.
I returned to my stack of crime reports, my thoughts immersed in Jonathan Potter and Wyatt and James and Voldemort. I wondered how Wyatt was going to react seeing his father again. I wondered what Jonathan would say to Wyatt and if Wyatt would be in a forgiving mood. I wonder if Jonathan would try to reach out to James again. I wonder if James would let –
"Lafevre?"
My thoughts were interrupted by James' voice.
"Potter? I thought you left."
"Why did you transfer to our Department?"
Of all the things he could have said, I was confused by that one. "Excuse me?"
He frowned. "Moody said you requested to move here. Why?"
My frown matched his as I slowly met his hopeful gaze.
"Please tell me this isn't another one of your secrets you're so determined to hide from me. You've got to give me something here, Sydny. Please."
I had never heard James say my first name or plead with me. So as I glanced up into his desperate-filled eyes, I decided to go with the truth this time around. I sighed, clearing my throat uncomfortably before saying, "It was right after the attack on the west coast. Regulus had been caught and then provided the Ministry with some names of Death Eaters who proceeded to go to jail. Some of them were Voldemort's most loyal, longstanding cohorts. Voldemort was livid. And Wyatt wrote me and said that things were just going to get worse. A lot worse. That we hadn't actually seen what Voldemort was capable of."
I remembered reading that letter and feeling such burden in his every word. For the first time in a while, I could sense the panic and fear emanating off the parchment.
I explained this to James, who looked rather calm as I spoke. "I felt helpless in France when it seemed all of Voldemort's righthand men were all British. I felt helpless there waiting for someone to tell me what to do when I could be part of the real action here. Moody agreed it might be wise to move me here. But the only way he would transfer me here is if I kept an eye on you. I agreed."
James frowned. "So that's it? You just felt helpless?"
"What, don't believe I could actually feel helpless?" I said with a teasing smile at an attempt to lighten this very dark mood.
"No, I do," he murmured. "Even the strongest of people are going to feel helpless at times."
I bet he was speaking from experience. "I'm sorry that it feels like ever since I showed up, things have just gotten worse for you."
He locked eyes with me, defeat twinkling dimly behind his glasses. "Things have always been bad."
"James-"
"Good night, Sydny."
The James Potter that walked out was someone I barely recognized. He looked so defeated, so clearly lost and broken over the events that have occurred recently. I wanted to believe that there was something I could do to halt the surprises that kept being thrown in James' direction but I was at a complete loss.
I was also at a loss as to why I seemed to care so much. I had always kept my heart out of my work and somehow James was actually worming his way into it. I knew it was because he reminded me a lot of myself.
And the reason I cared so much was because I didn't want anyone to turn out like me.
++LILY++
I knew immediately something was wrong when I heard my boyfriend's footsteps in the foyer at five-thirty that evening. I couldn't remember the last time James left the office before seven o'clock. "James?" I called out from my hideout in the library. I was curled up on the couch with some proposals that needed editing for Nyger, a glass of wine resting on the table in front of me.
Seconds later, I saw him peek into the room. He tried to smile at me but the smile didn't reach his eyes. It barely even passed for a smile. "You're home early," I said softly.
"Tired," he murmured, resting his head against the doorframe with a sigh. "Didn't exactly get a lot of sleep last night."
I frowned. Something seemed really off with him. He was talking but it was as if the words were robotic and void of any feeling. My heart skipped a concerned beat. "Hey, are you alright?"
He blinked, his expression unchanging. But the pain in his eyes was unmistakable. He didn't say anything, clearly trying to keep his emotions in check with very little luck. I could see the tortured emptiness resting heavily in his eyes. He was beginning to scare me.
I slowly sat up, placing the proposals on the table beside my wine. "What happened, James?" I dared to ask, my heart starting to race anxiously.
His bottom lip trembled subtly and he had to bite down on it to stop himself from showing any other form of vulnerability in front of me. In front of anyone. I knew the way James' mind worked. The slightest bit of vulnerability and he was afraid he would never be able to bounce back.
"James?" I whispered.
And then suddenly it was like he didn't even care anymore about being strong. There was a glimmer of a tear blinking in his eyes as he took a wobbly step into the library. He avoided looking at me as he fell into the couch beside me. For the first time since Brite's death, I saw the broken heart not only in James' eyes but in his entire demeanor. He just looked lost and hopeless, like a scared puppy locked outdoors in a rainstorm.
He shut his eyes tightly, clearly just trying to block out the rest of the world, as he slowly leaned over and placed his head into my lap. I instinctively started running my fingers through his hair gently, just trying to provide whatever comfort I could before finding out what had caused such a minor breakdown.
Eventually, he spoke, his voice hoarse and trembling, "Have you ever felt so overwhelmed that you wanted to scream and cry and hex someone and hide under a floorboard all at the same time? That you just wanted to start walking towards the horizon and never turn back? Have you ever just hoped that if you closed your eyes and prayed hard enough that you could turn into someone else? Anyone else?"
I felt tears well up in my own eyes at how positively helpless he sounded. His voice sounded choked up, the words filled with so much anxiety. I pressed my lips against his forehead, letting them linger. "Yes," I said softly. "I'd be lying if I said I haven't felt that before."
He finally opened his eyes, turning to look up at me with remorseful wide eyes. "I'm sorry that you ever had to feel that way," he whispered, turning on his side as he traced circles along my bare leg. "No one should ever have to feel that. It's one of the worst feelings in the world."
I offered him a small smile of reassurance, stretching out my legs beside him, so I inevitably trapped him up against the back of the couch. He hooked his arm underneath my leg and drew me close to him, resting his head against my stomach. "What happened today, James?" I asked, resuming the stroking of his hair.
Silence followed except for the sounds of his heaving breathing. I didn't push it, letting the question linger resignedly in the air.
When he spoke, the words sent a shocked shiver down my spine. "My father showed up at the office today."
I had to blink numerous times before realizing he had actually said that. "Your…your father?"
He nodded curtly, helplessness once again filling his expression. His bottom lip began to tremble again but he didn't bother trying to hide it this time. "It's like I've been just trying to hold everything together for so long – through Brite and Jaron's deaths and through Caleb's death and through Dezzy and Drew being kidnapped and then our attack and having to sit by your bed in the hospital without knowing what would happen and then Wyatt's return and finding out Sydny and Moody and Dumbledore have been keeping secrets from me. Everything has been so…so messed up and I've gone on pretending it hasn't been. But I can't pretend anymore. This is real. It's happening. And unfortunately it's happening to me. Everything that's happened has just been piling on top of each other on top of me and today was the last straw," he spoke in a choked whisper. "My father showed up asking for Sydny to help him find Wyatt and I-I just snapped. It was like I was watching every single one of these heartbreaks flash through my eyes and I needed an escape. Taking it out on my father seemed to be the easy option."
A tear slid down my cheek as I listened to him convey the years of emotions he had been holding back. I had wanted this for so long and now that I was watching his vulnerability on display, I could only wish that he had never had a reason to be this helplessly vulnerable. "Did it work?" I asked, already knowing the answer.
"I'm home early and I'm acting like a whiny prat. What do you think?"
"I think you're nothing like a whiny prat," I said with a reassuring smile, pressing my lips against his temples.
He gazed up at me, a sigh escaping from the end of his lips. "I'm sorry to be dumping this all on you. I just-"
"James, you never have to be sorry for that," I cut him off desperately, pulling lightly up on his hair lightly so that he was forced to look up at me. "That's what I'm here for. I'm always going to be here to listen to you. The good, the bad, the overwhelming. I love you, James. And when you're suffering, I am, too. You have to know that I will always be here for you to open up to. And maybe opening up to me might just be the way to once again become…well, perhaps underwhelmed?"
I was grateful when a smile crossed his lips. "Well, I'm pretty sure feeling underwhelmed is never going to happen, but considering about two minutes ago I thought my heart was going to explode out of my chest and yet somehow you've talked me down, I guess I can see your point."
I leaned down to kiss him then, so grateful to have this man in my life. Our lips met briefly and yet so serenely. My lips molded to the desperation in James' lips, our tongues tangling together in a necessary heated passion. Our teeth grazed lightly as his hands inched up my thigh. It wasn't hesitant in the slightest, the need to be intimate with one another driving our kisses to be crushingly uninhibited.
As I slowly rolled on top of him, our legs weaving together yearningly, he whispered, "This certainly helps, too."
I giggled as my lips crashed against his once again. It started off slow and hesitant but it was clear we were both on the edge of breaking out into irresistible urgency, wanting – no, needing to fulfill our anxieties and fears through unbridled passion. As he pressed his lips hungrily to mine, with the kind of speed and desperation to complement our screaming heartbeats, I wouldn't help but be very aware that the fiery ardor emanating from deep within both of our hearts was something that had somehow been minimized over the past few months. Not to say that we didn't have passion because even four years later, his kisses were something I constantly craved. But it was as if the world had recently provided us with so many distractions that the intimacy we often felt for and with each other had been dwindled down to mere complacent adoration.
Except for that very moment. I had never wanted anything more in my entire life than I did in that moment and I had a feeling it had a lot to do with wanting to give James even the slightest ability to forget the recent events of his life. I wanted to be able to help him in any way I could and seeing as James wasn't exactly the most talkative when it came to his feelings, kissing him seemed to be the second best option. I was so in love with him that I just wished there was a way for me to remove all of the pain and angst that his life had become. I know I couldn't do that one kiss at a time but it was a start.
His lips trailed up my jawline towards my ear. "This morning I just wanted to walk away from this life and never turn back and now I can't seem to remember a single reason why," he whispered, his words muffled against my skin as he pressed a kiss behind my ear.
I frowned sullenly as his trail of kisses sped down my neck. "Walking away doesn't stop the world from turning."
"I'd be fine with that as long as that world just stopped turning upside down."
I pulled my head back to look at him, framing his face with my hands so he had nowhere to look except in my eyes. "It will, James."
He kissed my nose. "How can you be so sure?"
I couldn't. I wasn't. But I had to believe that at some point the tragedies had to stop. "I have to be," I whispered, meeting his lips with mine yet again. As they lightly grazed, I spoke, "I can't watch any of us go through any more pain. There's an uphill slope in front of us. There just has to be," I choked out.
I know I sounded desperate, feeling a rather unexpected onset of tears rush to my eyes. I tried blinking them away, but James caught them before I could. He pressed his lips underneath my eyes, quickly followed by swiping his thumb across before any of the tears could fall. "Hey, shh," he whispered, running his hands soothingly along my hairline. "I'm sorry to be such a bummer, Lily. Let's not think about the future right now, what do you say? Let's just think about this moment. Because hell, I'm kinda enjoying it." He smirked.
I whimpered a chuckle, touching my lips to his. "Dammit," I muttered guiltily, offering him a wary smile. "You're the one who comes in here needing to be talked down from a ledge and I'm the one who inevitably gets comforted." I touched my forehead to his. "You're too good to me, James Potter."
"Well, you deserve the best," he whispered, reaching out to remove the band holding up my hair into a ponytail. My hair cascaded down my shoulders as James buried his lips into the nook of my neck.
"Oh, I do, hm?" I said as his lips trained down my neck. He nudged the neckline of my shirt downward with his nose, pressing a kiss dangerously close to my breasts. "What might the best consist of?"
He grinned devilishly, meeting my impish gaze. "I have a pretty good feeling you're about to find out."
As he ripped my shirt over my head, I was definitely reminded of how much I loved him.
++REMUS++
"You know how we thought Wyatt returning was going to be the shock of the week?"
I pulled my head out of the refrigerator at the sound of Sirius' voice. "Bloody hell, what now?"
"James' father showed up at his work today."
I originally had my hand on a beer but I thought better of it and shut the refrigerator. "I'm thinking firewhisky. You?"
"Oh, most definitely."
As I wandered into our dining room towards the liquor cart, I asked, "What did he want with James?"
"He didn't," I muttered. "He wanted Sydny."
I glanced back into the kitchen where Sirius perched against the countertops. "Excuse me?"
"Looking for Wyatt I guess."
"How did he know Wyatt was back?"
"Beats me."
I poured two glasses and gestured towards the living room. Sirius took one of the glasses and followed me.
"So who's going to show up out of the blue next?" I muttered.
"Lord, don't ask that," he replied almost immediately as he settled into the couch. "I just pray it's not a member of my family."
I don't know. It might have been nice to hear something from my parents. They send me a postcard every once and a while but it's been months since I last heard from them. I tried hard thinking about them as I needed to not think about the idea of Jillian showing up out of the blue. She might not have been family but she had been close to it. She had ruined it single-handedly but she had been close to it. "Yeah," was all I could think of to say.
Sirius gazed over at me and I had to desperately avoid eye contact with him as he spoke. "Nothing has gone the way we had ever wanted it to, has it?"
I couldn't help but shake my head. "It would be nice to believe that we actually have control over the way our lives turn out, but as it so happens, our opinions and hopes mean jack shit. Fate has apparently dictated out lives whether we'd like to believe it or not."
He frowned. "Has fate made me born into a family who craves the Dark Side? Was it fate that caused you to be bit by a werewolf? Has fate caused your family to ignore you? Was it fate that brought such overwhelming tragedy on to James? Even to Lily? Why can't fate give us something to look forward to?"
I gazed into my best friend's anxious eyes. "It probably does. But it's just easier to focus on the bad."
"You could say that again," he muttered far too convincingly.
I sighed. "So how's James doing?"
"I don't know," he admitted. "I went to see him in the training facilities but he didn't want to talk. I could tell he wasn't doing too well though. He's just going to completely shut down one of these days if something good doesn't happen to him soon."
"Do you think there's anything we could do for him?"
Sirius frowned, shrugging. "Get him drunk so he forgets that this is the life he was given?"
"I'm not so sure getting him drunk is going to make him forget everything."
"Yeah, I know. But hell, it's worth a shot if you ask me."
I smirked. "Or ten shots. Preferably of tequila."
Sirius grinned. "I like your thinking, Moony."
++JAMES++
"Aw, hell!"
"Dammit, don't you have a bedroom!?"
"My eyes!"
"You are far too horny for your own good!"
I lifted my head off of Lily's hair at the sounds of my best friends' cries. I cringed, grabbing the blanket off the back of the couch and throwing it over my and Lily's naked bodies as I glared up at Remus and Sirius. "You guys should really learn to knock now that you don't live here anymore."
"I second that," Lily's muffled voice spoke against my chest.
"Like you would have heard us," Remus snorted.
"We come bearing the largest bottle of tequila the local liquor store had to offer, Prongs. You in?" Sirius asked with a quirked eyebrow.
I glanced curiously at my girlfriend who smiled, kissing my cheek. "Alcohol is second-best to sex when it comes to needing a release," she pointed out.
"Yeah, and there's no way in hell I'm doing the latter with you," Sirius argued. "Though I can't say the same for Remus."
"SIRIUS!"
Sirius ducked and rush out of the room, Remus quickly chasing after him.
I chuckled. It felt good to chuckle. "Thank you for tonight, Lily," I whispered, letting my lips dance sweetly against hers.
"You're thanking me for sex?" she teased, sucking lightly on my bottom lip.
"No," I whispered, running my fingers through her beautiful hair. "I'm thanking you for being able to make me feel better than I've felt in a really long time. Even with all of this going on, I know that if I can just come home to you every night, nothing else matters."
She smiled shyly, pressing her lips firmly against mine. Her tongue slipped into my mouth effortlessly, pressing her naked body up against mine. "You really know how to make a girl feel special, y'know that?"
I grinned and was about to respond when Sirius' shriek filled the mansion. "DAMMIT, POTTER, DON'T MAKE US FINISH THIS TEQUILA WITHOUT YOU!"
Both Lily and I laughed and she nudged me with her elbow. "Seems you've been summoned."
I shrugged and with another chaste kiss, threw on my clothes. I wasn't surprised to find Remus and Sirius sitting in the game room.
"Geez, took you long enough," Sirius snorted from the couch. "We're already four shots in."
"We're one shot in. He's exaggerating," Remus drawled.
Sirius rolled his eyes and gestured for me to join them. I obliged.
"So here's how this is going to work," Sirius said, pouring three shots of the tequila. "We are going to complain and vent and scream about all that's been going on in our fucked up lives one at a time and instead of anyone commenting, we're merely going to follow it up with a shot. Then when we're done with the venting, we're going to put it all in the past and move on. You in?"
It sounded far too good to be true but I hesitantly nodded. "I'm not going to say no to tequila."
Sirius smiled sadly, letting out a heavy sigh. "Okay, well then here goes," he spoke, raising up his shot glass. "Here's to losing Caleb. He was a good man and died far too young." He slid the other two shot glasses our way. We all lifted them up and clinked them together before downing the alcohol, the burning liquid sliding uninhibitedly down my throat.
Sirius poured another three as he turned to face Remus. "Moony? Anything you want to vent about?"
He frowned. "I hate what Jillian did to me. And I hate that I still hate it even five months later."
I looked over at him and saw betrayal resting in his eyes. I wanted to say something but seeing as that was against Sirius' rules, I merely downed the next shot. I tossed it back to Sirius and said, "I still have no idea what to make of my father showing up this morning. He wanted to…to make amends with me or whatever but why did it take him four years to come forward? Why did he have to wait until he heard about Wyatt returning to bother looking for me? And hell, was he even looking for me when he was really there for Sydny? I hate that he showed up. But what's really frustrating is that I actually hate it more that he didn't show up because of me."
Frowns appeared on both my friends' faces.
"Bottoms up," I said firmly, shooting them both a look before they could comment. They offered me lopsided, sad smiles before obliging.
"Can we take shots of water in between a few of these?" Remus muttered, grimacing.
Sirius glared at him. "No, because we're not complete wusses."
Remus rolled his eyes but couldn't help but laugh. "Alright, then. Sirius, you're up."
He stared intently at the tequila bottle, clearly trying to choose his next words carefully. "I hate that every time I read the goddamned paper, I'm just waiting to see someone with the surname Black being implicated in the next crime. I hate that it should make me feel better about the decisions I've made but it just reminds me of where I came from."
Another shot downed.
Remus' turn. "I hate that I haven't heard from my parents in eleven months. I hate that they were too busy traveling South Africa to even want to show up to my wedding. I hate that they didn't bother visiting or even sending a goddamned postcard when they found out Jillian dumped me. I hate that they don't care."
Another shot.
"I hate that I don't hate that Wyatt showed up," I spoke softly. "I hate that I don't hate meeting up with him last night. I hate that I don't hate him at all. I hate that he left – even if I can come to terms with the reasons why – but I don't hate that he returned. And I hate myself for not hating any of it."
One more shot.
We weren't drunk but we were well on our way. And suddenly the tequila was just a mere nonentity. We continued to get things off our chest without feeling the need to comfort each other or even offer words of sympathy but we didn't need the alcohol to make us feel as if we couldn't spew these words otherwise. We were just three best friends finally willing to admit the heavy burdens we've been carrying around in our hearts for months.
Sirius said, "I hate that four years later, I still hate Riley for what she did."
Remus' turn. "I hate that I still think about Jillian."
And me. "I hate that Sydny won't stop keeping secrets from me."
"I hate that Fabian spent seven months with a girl who was never going to love him."
"I hate that Keegan seems to be swimming in secrets herself."
"I hate that Brite and Jaron are dead. And I hate that they almost got Dezzy and Drew. Even myself and Lily. And I hate knowing they'll continue to go after us and there isn't much any of us could do."
Sirius sighed. "I hate that being a member of the Order is supposed to be an honor and yet all it does is put an even larger target on all our backs. And I hate that that scares me."
Remus frowned. "I hate going to weddings. I hate seeing how happy people are on their wedding day when I didn't get that same chance. I hate pretending as if I'm okay with going to weddings to be there for my friends when in reality, I'd prefer to be anywhere else but there."
I hesitated before saying. "I hate that I yelled at Moody today. I was angry at every other person in my life but it was easier taking it out on him so I yelled at him. And I hate that it didn't make me feel better. I hate that I'm just so angry and frustrated all the damned time. And I hate that I can't seem to shake that. I hate what my life has turned into. And I hate hating that because while I've been through so much, I still have reasons to smile. I just hate that it's so bloody difficult smiling sometimes."
Sirius and Remus met my gaze before Sirius said the last thing any of us would say that night.
"I hate Voldemort for giving us so much to hate."
++SIRIUS++
What I really hated was that I had more unfortunate news for James. But not for tonight. No, it would have to wait until tomorrow when I could tell both him and Fabian at the same time.
A/N: So sad :( Sorry the mini-cliffhanger but you'll find out more about that later. Please review!
Up next: more surprises, more tragedy, more confessions, and an unexpected request.