A/N: Whoa, what is this? I'm updating only 8 days later!? Yeah, that's right - feel free to clap and cheer because I am back with another chapter! Y'all have been so good to me with your reviews that I thought you deserved this.

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns the Harry Potter series. I merely revel in it.

Goodbyes on the Balcony

By ByeByeBirdie

Chapter 17: Of Showers, Cigarettes, & Exposés

++LILY++

"Did any of that tequila get into your mouths or did you think pouring it over the rug was a better idea?"

I smirked as three identical groans followed. James' peeked one eye open from the barcalounger he was laying on as Sirius threw a pillow over his head from the couch. Remus was sprawled out over the coffee table which could not have been comfortable.

"You do realize that you three have to go into work this morning, right?"

"Stop yelling," Sirius muttered, pulling the pillow tightly over his head to cover his ears.

I rolled my eyes. "This is my normal voice, Black."

"I never realized how screechy it was."

"BLACK!"

"I said stop yelling!" he whined.

"Then don't give me a reason to!"

"You're still doing it!"

"You're still lying on the couch covered in booze. What's your point?"

Sirius hesitated long enough to grab a fistful of his shirt and draw it up to his nose. He recoiled. "Merlin, did we shower in a tub full of tequila last night?"

"If you two are going to carry on with this conversation, might I advise you doing it elsewhere?" James muttered through a stifled yawn, curling up into a ball on the chair as he closed his eyes once again.

"It's seven-thirty in the morning, James, and you have that-"

"Bloody hell, why didn't you say so!?" James shouted, practically jumping off the couch. "I'm supposed to be at work in a half hour!"

"Pipe down, will ya!?" Sirius snapped as James kissed my cheek and headed out of the room. I prayed he was headed towards the shower.

"I could say the same for you!" Remus finally chimed in, shooting Sirius a glare from atop the table. He stretched his arms over his head, cringing as he did so. "Lily, you should really consider investing in a fur-lined coffee table."

"I'm pretty sure we never intended for that hard wood to be slept on," I drawled. "Feel free to clean this room up before heading out."

Sirius blinked, slowly sitting up off the couch. "That wasn't a real suggestion, was it?"

I chuckled as I wandered out of the room, praying that whatever the hell the three of them discussed last night was enough to put James in better spirits. He deserved to be happy. And while I knew that he couldn't be happy all the damned time, at this point I would take anything I could get.

I heard the shower running as I headed into my room and I smiled. Quickly followed my a smirk. Completely impulsively, I threw my T-shirt over my head and tossed my pajama shorts aside before slipping into the bathroom.

"Lily? That you?"

"You didn't expect it to be Sirius, did you? Because I got to say, that's mildly creepy," I teased, stepping out of my underwear as I crept closer to the shower.

"I'm sorry if we made a mess in the—well, well, well," he said, grinning as I thrust the shower curtain to the side and slipped into the shower beside him. "And a good morning to me."

I grinned, pressing my lips to his. "So when do you need to get to work?"

"Work? No work. Work can wait. Work bad. Very bad."

I ran my tongue up the side of his jaw, stopping right below his ear. I could feel him harden at even my slightest touch. "I'm thinking that's not the only thing that's going to be bad this morning," I whispered, pressing my exposed breasts up against his chest as I pushed him up against the cool tiles to kiss him passionately.

"That's it. I'm quitting my job," he spoke between gasps for air, our kisses igniting in intense desire.

His hands roamed through my wet hair as our lips melded together with a refreshing intensity. It was these small moments, these impulsive sex-driven moments, that made me realize why we loved each other so much. The world could be coming to a crashing halt around us and as long as we had each other by our sides to remind us of the good, that world would still be able to go on living if even for a brief moment. More importantly, we would still be able to go on living.

If only I had known then what we were about to find out I never would have let James leave that shower.

++FABIAN++

Something bad had happened. I couldn't be sure of it but I had a pretty good feeling that we were all about to get awful news. It was quiet. And it was never quiet at the British Auror offices. Moody had pulled Sydny into one of the back rooms and soon after, James was pulled back there. Frank, Alice, and I kept glancing at each other for some sort of explanation but none of us had even an attempt of a justification.

"You think an Auror died?" Alice eventually dared to ask.

I shook my head quickly. "No," I argued. "Why would Sydny and James be called in because of that? The only reason one of them would be summoned was because the other had died. And we can already rule that out." To be honest, all of this speculation was keeping my mind off my break-up with Keegan and right now, that's all I really cared about.

"Well, someone must have died," Frank murmured.

My heart ached. I prayed that wasn't the truth. "Hey, Moody called those two into a conference room on Wednesday. Maybe this is just a follow-up."

"You think the look on Moody's face this morning was just because he was following up?" Alice pointed out.

I sighed. "A guy can hope."

We all fell silent again, returning to the stack of paperwork that we didn't want to start on but knew that it kept us busy enough that we were willing to do it in that moment.

"Hey, Fabian."

I gazed up at Sirius in surprise. "What are you doing here? Meeting with Harlan?"

Sirius hesitated before shaking his head. "No," he admitted. "I'm actually here for you and James."

"James is in Moody's office. But what's up?"

Another long hesitation, his eyes gazing reluctantly over at Frank and Alice. "I can wait for James."

"I'm here."

We all whirled around to face James. He looked broken, lost even. His face, etched with a frown, was white and his eyes shone with pain. "What's going on?" Frank dared to ask. I was glad he was the one to ask. I was too afraid of the answer.

He snuck a peek at Sirius, regret building up on his expression. James' bottom lip trembled slightly and he looked so stiff with shock. He didn't speak immediately, clearly trying to wrap his own head around whatever the hell just happened. But he was scaring me. I was about to tell him to blurt it out, when he finally opened his mouth. "Wyatt and my father are dead," he whispered.

Shocked silence filled the room.

I was grateful for Sirius in that moment, immediately rushing to James' side and clapping him on the back. "Oh, jeez," he whispered. "James, I'm…I'm so sorry," he said. The words were hollow.

Another bout of silence. There wasn't anything else to say.

Finally, James spoke. "They were murdered. By Voldemort himself."

"James-" Sirius started.

"Why does this keep happening?" he whispered hoarsely.

No one even tried responding.

I could have sworn I saw the guilt weigh more heavily in James' eyes but before I could analyze, he turned away from me. "I'm going to go find Lily. Feel free to talk about me when I leave."

"We aren't-" I started.

"Don't argue. I know you will." He merely shrugged before stalking off. I let my gaze follow him until he was in the elevator before glancing back towards Sirius. "You knew about this?"

He shot me a look. "Of course not. Why would you ask that?"

I shrugged. "Why else would you be here?"

His eyes showed regret, guilt even. And the way he was looking at me I had a feeling that whatever he had come to say it included me. "It doesn't even matter anymore," he said, shaking his head. "I just pray that James is done dealing with these bullshit tragedies."

"He's not."

We all whirled around to face Sydny who was looking rather dejected. "He'll never be done dealing with it," she murmured with a shrug.

Sirius glared at her. "And what do you know?"

The look on her face told me she knew more than she was letting on. "Nothing," she spoke. "Just go be by your friend's side. That's all he needs right now."

"Don't tell me what he needs," Sirius scowled. "I'm his best friend. I already know what he needs."

"Oh yeah?" she snorted. "And what's what?"

"The truth," he responded a little too quickly.

That shut Sydny up. Which was a huge accomplishment for her. "How much do you know?" she asked curiously.

"I know that Wyatt returned three nights ago quickly followed by his father and both have turned things upside down. And now they're both dead, leaving James with a bunch of unanswered question. Your turn. How much do you know?" he retaliated, glaring at her.

The look on her face pretty much told all of us she knew more than she was letting on. No one said a word, but the silence spoke for us. Eventually, Sydny merely said, "I know that I have somewhere I need to be right now."

"Aw, c'mon," Sirius heckled, glaring at her. "Don't go after him."

She glared back. "Who said anything about going after him?"

He smirked. "My guess is, Slaughterhouse," Sirius snapped, "Is that you've been in on whatever conspiracy theory is dictating James' life. In fact, I'm betting that you're probably right smack dab in the middle of it."

"Oh, let up, will ya? No need to be overdramatic by labeling Potter's life a conspiracy theory," she retaliated.

Hm, this argument was bordering on entertaining.

Sirius threw back his head and laughed. "Overdramatic, hm?" he snorted. He help up his fingers and started ticking them off. "One, his brother disappears without so much as an explanation. Two, his brother dies by the hands of Death Eaters. Three, his father abandons the family. Four, his other brother was kidnapped, held hostage for four days and tortured endlessly, and then eventually murdered. Five, his sister and brother-in-law were kidnapped to be magically saved by you. Six, he, his girlfriend, and coworkers are attached in the basement. Seven, the prodigal son returns! Eight, his father shows up here looking to get in touch with Wyatt. Nine, they go and gets themselves killed by Voldemort himself. I'd continue but I'm running out of room on my hands so please feel free to let me know when none of this is sounding overdramatic or like a conspiracy."

She fell silent and I could have sworn I saw a distant tear in Sydny's eye. As quickly as it showed up, it was suddenly gone. "You don't know what you're talking about, Black," she snapped. "It's noble of you to want to try and stand up for your best friend, but trust me when I say, you can't protect him. This isn't your life you have to worry about. It's his. And it's falling apart with every minute of every day that goes by. So please stop worrying about him, Sirius. Not only for his sake but for yours. It's only going to make matters worse."

I had absolutely no idea what to make of that little speech of hers. Sirius Black was James' best friend and Sirius was going to worry about James until the day he died. To which 'he' I was referring to dying, I wasn't entirely sure. But I couldn't for the life of me figure out how worrying about a friend was going to make matters worse. Because I'm pretty sure James hit 'worse' six tragedies ago.

I could tell that Sirius wasn't sure what Sydny meant by her words either. "I'm not trying to be noble," he started, "I'm just being a friend. Something you clearly don't know much about."

Ouch.

"Then go be his goddamned friend, Sirius!" she barked, glaring at him. "Because I'm pretty sure that's what he could use right now. Not your worry or your concern or your nobility nor does he need this pathetic bickering you and I have got going on. Just go find the guy and be there for him!"

It was obvious that Sirius did not appreciate having some girl he barely knew tell him what being a friend to James meant. "I don't need the girl who's fucking up his life to tell me what to do, Lafevre. For all I care, for all James cares, for all any of us care, you can go straight to hell."

Shock shone in her eyes. I knew it wasn't because she wasn't used to someone telling her to go to hell (James has said it a few hundred times to her already). I tried gauging her reaction, but found myself unable to figure out what it is she was shocked about.

"I'm not fucking up anything," she said softly. "I'm trying to help."

"By keeping secrets?"

"You don't know anything, Black," she said breathlessly.

He smirked. "Maybe I do."

"His life falling apart has nothing to do with me," she pleaded.

"Oh, so you've noticed that this life is falling apart?" he snorted.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"It means nothing," Sirius sighed quickly, shaking his head. "Just go ahead and do whatever the hell it is you were about to do."

"Sirius-"

"Just go," he pleaded.

She didn't say another word. Instead, she turned around and walked away. Which, alone, surprised me. Sydny never gave up on an argument.

"Harsh," spoke Alice when Sydny was gone.

Sirius shrugged. "The girl knows more than she's letting on."

"Duh," I chimed in. "Seems to me you were right in saying she was in on this conspiracy theory surrounding James' life."

"I know," he murmured, shaking his head in disbelief. "I'm just not sure how."

Silence filled the cubicle. All four of us were squished in the cubicle that Alice and I shared, but I suddenly felt that it was empty. Without James, we were nothing. He was our rock. He was the guy who told us exactly what he thought. What he felt. He was the one who made me realize that being a Auror was worth it. After Caleb was killed, I was second-guessing. I was wondering if this was the right career path. James sat down next to me and told me that obviously the world works in mysterious ways but we were there to attempt to sort out those mysteries. Being an Auror and being an Order member was tough. A lot went into it. But James always seemed to realize that we were doing some good. We were attempting to help the wizarding world. So I kept at it. Because of James. And now, I was beginning to wonder if he was the one who was losing faith.

"Poor James." Frank's words forced me back to reality. "How do you think he's taking the news?"

Silence. Eventually, Sirius broke. "It's been a long time since he's seen or talked to either one of them. But that doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt. Another two members of his family gone. Dead. A family of eight now down to four. It's depressing. And it sucks. He deserves better."

"This has to be purposeful, don't you think?" Alice questioned, staring at Sirius.

Sirius glanced at her, eventually shrugging. "I don't know what I think anymore."

Silence followed once again. Alice and Frank were sharing some sort of meaningful look and I could only guess they were somewhat glad that it wasn't either of their families being attacked. Me, on the other hand, I didn't know what to believe. For some irrelevant reason, I was thinking about Keegan.

"Why are you here, Sirius?" I dared to ask again.

He frowned, his eyes focusing in on mine. "I'm going to go find James."

Avoiding the question. Interesting. "'Kay," I muttered, when in all honesty, it wasn't okay. Sirius was hiding something. But in that moment, I let it go. This wasn't about me anymore. It was about James.

++JAMES++

I really was planning on going up to see Lily on the fifth floor. But as I headed into the elevator, I found myself heading towards the ground floor instead. And then I did something I haven't done in years. I smoked a cigarette. There was a small stand right outside the Ministry that sold crappy cigarettes and I eagerly bought a pack. If there was ever a time I needed a cigarette, it was most definitely in that moment.

I shouldn't have been surprised when Moody told me about Wyatt and my father. Wyatt had said a couple of times that he was in danger. That Voldemort was going to go after him. But when Moody informed me of the news, I was still in awe and disheartened. Wyatt finally returned and I lost him again. I still harbored some angry feelings towards what Wyatt did, but our conversation at the Dragonfly Pub ended up being somewhat comforting. After Brite and JT dying, it was nice having a brother I could talk to again. I was afraid that Grant would never come around. In fact, I wasn't even sure where Grant was. Last I heard, he had been traveling through China. He really only keeps in touch with Mom these days.

I shook my head, wondering why it was Grant I was thinking about. Maybe pondering his whereabouts was easier than thinking about Wyatt and Dad. In fact, I knew it was easier. It was more comforting thinking about my family members that still existed versus those that have not been able to escape the hands of Voldemort.

To be perfectly honest, I had no idea what to think about my father's death. Ever since he had left Mom and fled to Italy, I haven't seen or spoken to him. Not once. Until he showed up here out of nowhere trying to make amends after too much time had gone by. Time where we could have had some form of contact. But I avoided it. And he had avoided it, too. Whenever our Auror offices had to make any contact with the Italian Auror offices, I somehow found a reason not to be anywhere near it. Frank and Caleb had been sent to Italy the previous year after an attack on the Italian Ministry's family had proved nearly fatal. The Minister's nephew and niece had been captured and the Ministry called in all the forces to search for them. When they returned, Frank briefly mentioned that my father had been running the search. But I changed the subject before he could tell me anything more. All I needed to know was that the nephew and niece had been found off the coast nearly bludgeoned to death but they inevitably survived. I hadn't ever wanted to think or talk to me father again. Not until he admitted he had been a bit of a coward for disappearing the way he had. I understood the sentiment behind his reasons but that didn't mean I would ever fully understood why he left when he did. And now I would never get the chance.

What used to be one big happy family was now being crushed at the very seams. And as my eyes gazed over at a window in a nearby shop, all I saw was myself in the middle of it all. Brite, JT, Wyatt, my father. They died because of me. And it was that haunting revelation that made me want to scream. At the top of my lungs. Until it all disappeared, including myself. I wanted to fade into a black hole for however long it took to keep the people I loved safe. I wanted to warn every single person in my life that they were in danger and I wanted to be the one to protect them.

I didn't do any of that. I merely stood there smoking my cigarette and watching the smoke evaporate into the air. In that moment, it was the only thing I knew how to do that wouldn't make me go completely crazy.

"Hey."

I clenched my teeth, sneaking a look towards Lafevre. "What, you have some sort of tracking device on me?"

She shot me a look. "Didn't take you for a smoker."

"Didn't take you for a stalker," I retaliated with a shrug. I gestured towards the pack of cigarettes in my hand. "Want one?"

She hesitated. "Ah, why the hell not."

I lit it for her and we stood in silence, smoking our cigarettes. I felt slightly rebellious.

"James-"

"I don't want to hear it," I muttered quickly, shaking my head. "I really don't."

She frowned but nodded.

"Hey, remember when you told me you were here to protect me?" I chided, swallowing hard. "I hate to point out the obvious, but you suck at it."

She cringed, letting out a deep sigh. "I know, James," she whispered, hanging her head shamefully.

"Oh, come off it, I'm just messing with you," I murmured, recognizing the look of regret and guilt in her eyes. "You're not the one who should be protecting me and my family. That should be my job."

"It's one hell of a job to take on," she pleaded, shaking her head. "Don't blame yourself."

"Too late."

She sighed, flicking the finished cigarette but towards the ground and stepping on it. "James, if anyone should be sorry here, it should be me."

"Forget it."

She didn't. "James," she said softly, turning to face me, "I was the one that set up that meeting between Wyatt and your father even though I knew the risks. It's my fault they both died. Not yours."

I glanced at her with an impenetrable frown. "So you were right," she continued, swallowing hard. "I'm doing a shitty job trying to protect you. I've been here all of a month and in that time, your sister was kidnapped, you were attacked, your girlfriend nearly died, your long-lost brother returned, and then he and your father were killed. And somehow I'm in the middle of all of it. Me. Not you."

She was borderline hyperventilating and I reached out, grabbing her shoulder. Probably the only form of comfort either one of us have ever really extended to one another. I could see the surprise in her eyes. "Lafevre, don't blame yourself," I muttered, shaking my head. "You-"

"I have to so that you won't," she interrupted desperately.

I sighed. "You wouldn't be here to protect me if Voldemort wasn't after me, Lafevre. So please just…just," I hesitated before blurting out, "Just stop trying to make yourself feel better by confessing all your failures."

"I'm not trying to make myself feel better," she argued. "I'm trying to make you realize that-"

"That my life sucks?" I summed up with a snort.

She shrugged. "That's one way of putting it."

Silence followed. I hesitated before deciding to light another cigarette. I bought them, I might as well use them. "Maybe Dumbledore and Wyatt had the right idea," I murmured in self-pitch. "Maybe I should just give Voldemort what he wants and join his side."

"Oh, yes, and look how well that turned out for Wyatt," she said angrily. "Don't you dare start thinking things like that. You're a better person than that, Potter. You're a fighter, not a quitter."

"I'll be a quitter if it saves the people I love!" I practically shouted. In fact, I think I did shout it.

"You really think Voldemort is going to stop going after your friends and family if you just hand yourself into him?"

"Worth a shot."

"No," she snapped. "It isn't. You don't get a shot, Potter. If you give into Voldemort, you're giving up your entire life. You can't choose to leave in a few months or years when you realize you want out. If you leave, you die. Look at what happened to Wyatt. So stop thinking your problems would be resolved if you surrendered to Voldemort. Stop thinking it and stop saying it!I refuse to let your mind be melded by one of the most vindictive, uncaring villains in history."

"Not your decision." At this point, I was merely saying the things she didn't want to hear to get a rise out of her. It was definitely working.

She stomped her foot like a child and I could tell she was about two seconds away from whipping out her wand and using it on me. I found it mildly entertaining actually. "Dammit, Potter, promise me you won't run into Voldemort's arms. Promise me you'll do whatever the hell it takes from the good side! Promise me you won't kill or kidnap or torture any innocent lives just because Voldemort has turned you against your kind! Promise me, Potter."

I was shocked at the terror and anger that rang in her every word. "Lafevre, I just can't be-"

"The next words out of your mouth better be that you bloody promise," she snapped.

I sighed, my lips pursing out of instinct. I wondered why she was so angry. So irritated. It's not like she had any sort of claim on my life. "What, don't want the mission that was handed to you to be a complete failure?" I sneered. "If I give myself up, then the last eight years were a waste of your time? Don't want this to go down in the history books as the worst mission ever? Hate to break it to you, Slaughterhouse, but I don't give a flying fuck what the outcome of me handing myself over to Voldemort might be on you. I have family to think about. Friends. And you ain't one of them."

If she hadn't already thrown her cigarette butt on the ground, she probably would have burnt my eyeballs with it. I had never seen such rage emanate from her before. She was glaring at me like I was Voldemort and I had just killed every single person she cared about. I knew the look well. I've practiced the look. And the day that I met up with Voldemort, I swear that that will be the day that looks could kill.

"You might be the most selfish son-of-a-bitch on the planet, James Kenneth Potter."

I didn't bother asking her how she knew my middle name. I'm sure she had her ways.

"You really going to leave behind those you love? Behind those people that have already lost so many? Your mother? Your sister? You really want to turn into the guy that you swore you'd never turn into? The guy who abandons everyone in sight without so much as a care how it affects them? Your father? Wyatt? Riley Gilmore?"

Okay, that one I was a little curious about. How the hell did she know about Riley?

"You can run, Potter, but you can't hide. What's happening to you is real life. And it's not going to stop even if you surrender yourself as bait. Voldemort doesn't have a bleeding heart. He's going to continue terrorizing your friends, your family, your coworkers until they're all dead and buried in the ground. And then he's going to kill you. He won't care if you're on his side. He won't care that you made the ultimate sacrifice. All he cares about is killing innocent people. And unfortunately, James Potter, you're one of those innocent people."

She whirled around to storm off, clearly not in the mood to deal with my petty self-pity. But I wasn't about to let her leave without hearing my side. "How is that any different from what he's already doing?" I called after her, not caring for her self-righteous speech one bit. "He's already terrorizing everyone in my life! Killing so many innocent people that are directly related to me! People I didn't even think I cared about! My bloody brother and my father are gone, two people who I haven't given a second thought to in years, and now they're dead! Because of me! All because they're merely related to me! Because for some goddamned unknown reason, Voldemort is trying to destroy my life!" It took me a second to realize that tears were slipping down my cheeks. Maybe I was more upset about Wyatt and my father's death than I initially thought.

Sydny fell silent, her eyes never straying from mine. I turned away quickly, inconspicuously wiping away the stray tears and trying to catch my breath.

"James," she said softly behind me. "Look at me."

I cringed. Of all the people I didn't want to see me cry, Sydny Lafevre might have been on the top of that list. "Just leave me alone," I spat out in a frustrated whisper. "Please."

"Please look at me."

I sighed and when I knew I was presentable enough, I turned around, flashing her an irritated look. "What?"

"You asked me that day we were trying to make up our schedules why I wanted to be Auror."

Huh? "Er…yeah?"

"I'm ready to tell you."

++SHANE++

I was in Lily's office when Sirius walked in. A look of terrorizing remorse was apparent on his face.

"Hey," he greeted, taking one of the empty chairs without asking.

"Hey, there. What are you doing here?" Lily asked, barely glancing up at him as she perused the proposal in front of her.

"Where's James?" he questioned, disregarding the question.

Lily smirked, highlighting a part of the wording on the proposal. "You've visited us numerous times over the years, Sirius. I would have thought you'd know by now that James is on Floor 2."

A frown appeared on his face. "He said he was coming to find you."

"Well, he didn't." She finally looked up and the amusement in her face quickly disappeared. She, too, probably finally noticed the horror on his face. "Why? What's wrong?"

Sirius hesitated, glancing ever-so-slightly at me. I suddenly felt like an intruder. I could tell he had bad news. Horrible news actually based on the overwhelming concern in his eyes. He bit down on his bottom lip before saying softly, "Wyatt and Mr. Potter are dead."

Oh, shit. I didn't know much but I knew that the last thing James Potter needed was another two deaths in his family.

Lily's face went white, her body rigid. She didn't speak for quite some time, letting the shock absorb her. "When?" she whispered hoarsely.

"This morning. Voldemort himself."

She was out of her chair quicker than a hyena. "Oh, no," she whispered, tears welling up in her eyes. "Is James alright?"

He shut his eyes, shaking his head slowly. "Would you be?"

"Where is he?"

"I thought he was here."

"He's not."

Silence again. Eventually, Sirius spoke. "He doesn't deserve any of this."

A tear slipped down Lily's cheek. "I know."

Looking at how broken Lily looked, I couldn't imagine how James felt. For the first time in my entire life, I prayed for him.

++SYDNY++

I could feel James staring at me and I wondered if he could hear my heart beating a mile a minute. I closed my eyes and thought back to that day where I sat in Headmistress Lorenzo's office all by myself as an innocent and naïve teenager, knowing that my life was going to change drastically. It wasn't just the worst news a person could hear. It was terrifyingly disturbing in every way. I would never forget the anger and the betrayal and the hurt that I had felt in my heart that moment. Tears had been streaming down my face as I thought of my peers looking at me as if I were a leper. I thought of the way the professors would treat me differently because of the family I had been born into. I thought about what it would be like if I were the one dead. I thought about how I wanted nothing more than to have the floor open up and swallow me whole.

And then suddenly the fireplace opened up and a man stood in front of me. A man I never saw before but who I saw had compassion and understanding. He gave me a choice. I could stay at school and deal with the aftermath of my father's horrible decisions or I could go with him and have the chance to avenge the horrible decisions made by him. It didn't take me long to choose the latter. So I went with that man, never once looking back.

That man had been Albus Dumbledore.

"Honestly, James," I started slowly. "I don't know when it was I decided I wanted to be an Auror. It was just the only choice for me."

"What?"

"Nine years ago, my…" I started, gazing up at a curious James. I tried to word my next statement very carefully. "My family died. All of them. Voldemort's doing." It wasn't completely a lie.

He cringed, his mouth dropping open slightly.

"I had a mother, two brothers, and a father," I said, trying not to say that last word with too much distaste. "And then suddenly, I didn't."

"Sydny," he said softly. My first name sounded odd on his on tongue. "I'm sorry."

I shrugged. "Long time ago," I murmured.

"So you became an Auror out of revenge?" James asked curiously.

"No," I argued. "I became an Auror because it was my ticket out."

"Out of where?"

"The wizarding world that I grew up in. The…" I hesitated, but couldn't find a reason not to add, "The Italian wizarding world that I grew up in."

I saw surprise flicker in his eyes. I had become so ingrained with the French wizarding world it probably never crossed James' mind that I wasn't originally from France.

"Becoming an Auror was my ticket out of hell," I muttered. "Away from the pity. Away from the stares. Away from the judgments. Away from the whispering and the gossiping. Away from the speculation and the hatred. So I jumped on it. I don't know how they...er...how they did it, but two months later, I found myself working my arse off in the French Auror Department's recruitment program. And I haven't looked back since."

He hesitated. "Don't know how who did it?"

He certainly knew how to ask the right questions. I gazed at him guiltily. "Albus Dumbledore and Alastor Moody."

His jaw grew rigid. "The same people who chose Wyatt's fate," he murmured.

I nodded. "Yeah."

"So you were forced into being an Auror," he said slowly. "It wasn't a choice for you."

If only he knew. "Yes, I was technically forced," I whispered. "But I was ready to fight back. For my mother and my brothers. For my family. For love and compassion. For justice. For freedom. For the right thing. For-"

"Revenge?"

I hesitated and eventually nodded. "Yes, maybe revenge was a part of it. But tell me that revenge wasn't a part of what motivated you to climb to the top here at the Auror Department."

He didn't respond.

"Voldemort kills innocent lives," I spouted. "What's worse is that he manipulates so many people into thinking that that's okay. That killing is simply a sport and they're fighting for the greater good. That pureblood wizards and witches are the only people who deserve to live in the magic world. People get pulled over to the Dark Side and suddenly, everything they've ever done or thought has disappeared. They go crazy. Whether there's an Imperius Curse on them or they're just so torn in their own minds, they eventually can't tell right from wrong anymore." Believe me, I would know. I sighed. "And it's that reason, and maybe that reason alone, that I'm an Auror. These Death Eaters don't need saving from Voldemort. They need saving from themselves."

"Saving?"

I shrugged. "Maybe not the right word. But however we can help these poor suckers who have been conned into helping Voldemort, I'm fine with. Imprisonment. Death. Torture. Who cares how it's done as long as it's done."

He didn't reply immediately. I could tell he was a tad confused. But I neglected to tell him the worse part. Hopefully, he'll never find out. Hopefully, no one will ever find out. "Sounds like you think some of these Death Eaters are actually good people."

I had to hold my tongue before saying something I would regret. "Anyone who joins Voldemort in order to help his cause isn't a good person," I argued, shrugging. "But maybe at one point in their life they were."

He frowned, narrowing his eyes at me. "What aren't you telling me?"

A lot. "Look, you wanted to know how I became an Auror and I told you."

"No," he said slowly, shaking his head. "I wanted to know why you wanted to be an Auror. I didn't want to know how you became an Auror."

"It's the same thing," I lied.

"No, it isn't," he scowled, giving me a look.

I shrugged. Damn, he could read people well. I hated him for that. I chose to remain quiet, flicking my finished cigarette butt to the ground and smashing my foot into it.

"If your family had never died, would you be here now?"

No. Because I wouldn't have had a reason to leave. "I don't know," I responded vaguely.

"You do know."

I blinked, turning to meet his curious gaze. "One day they were my family and the next day they weren't." In more ways than one. "I had to leave. I-"

"No, that's where I think you're wrong. No one ever has to leave. It's a choice. A decision. One that should be owned."

I frowned. "I didn't have anything left, Potter," I said softly. "So yeah, did I make the decision to leave the way I did? Yes. But not a whole lot of people noticed. Or cared."

His frown matched mine. "I'm sorry that you lost all of the people who noticed you and who cared about you," he said softly.

Not all of them cared. "Yeah," I whispered. "I am, too."

I could feel his eyes on me as I turned back to look towards the dingy street. He probably had a million other questions swarming but I was praying he would leave it alone. I didn't want to talk about my unfortunate past anymore and I knew he could understand the sentiment of letting conversations go when necessary.

"Are you a pureblood, Lafevre?"

I blinked, thrown by the random question. I wasn't sure what that had to do with anything, but I shook my head. "No," I muttered. "I'm half. My father was a wizard, my mother wasn't."

"You said you had brothers?"

"They weren't wizards either," I whispered. It's probably what inevitably killed them in the end.

"Hm."

"Why do you want to know?"

He hesitated. "I'm just curious," he said with a sigh. "I'm just trying to figure out what it is Voldemort is even looking for. Seems to me he no longer cares if you're a Muggleborn or half-blood or pureblood even though we were all under the impression his mission was to go after anyone with Muggle blood. But I'm a pureblood and he's out to get me and my family."

I frowned. "I couldn't tell you why Voldemort was after you." A partial lie. "But I have a good feeling it has nothing to do with your blood status."

"Yeah, I kinda figured that one out on my own."

He looked so depressed. So disheartened. He was always so strong and confident. At least he acted that way. The guy standing in front of me wasn't the James Potter I knew. He was shattered, slowly being ripped apart at the seams. He clearly didn't want to be strong or confident anymore. He just wanted normalcy. Sadly, he wasn't going to get that.

I'm not sure how long we stood there in silence, but I could tell he didn't have anything else to say. Didn't want to say anything else. I could have walked away. Maybe I should have. But I felt myself rooted to that spot. Maybe subconsciously I wanted to make sure that James would be okay. Well, as okay as he possibly could.

Eventually, he spoke. "What do I do now, Lafevre?"

His words were filled with so much uncertainty. Confusion. Pain. I wish I had an answer for him. I gestured for him to hand me another cigarette. He obliged. We stood in silence, watching the swarms of Muggles surround us, hustling and bustling off to their everyday routine. Sometimes, I envied them.

"Unfortunately, Potter," I spoke eventually. "I'm not sure I know."

He merely replied with a sigh.

I turned to him curiously, even though I had a feeling I knew the answer to the question I was about to ask. "Have you talked to Sirius?"

He shook his head. "No."

"I think you should be the one to tell him."

"I know."

"James?"

"Yeah?"

Silence followed. Eventually, I said, "I'm sorry."

He didn't reply, but I didn't expect him to. He didn't need my sympathetic apology. He simply needed answers. And unfortunately, I couldn't give them to him. I wanted to. I just couldn't.

++JAMES++

I knocked lightly on the door. Then a bit harder. I wasn't entirely sure if this was the best thing to do, but I needed her to help me. As much as she possibly could. She was my last hope and I prayed this would work.

After Sydny finally walked away that day, I let my thoughts consume me. I knew that I wasn't about to surrender myself to Voldemort. I should have. I could have. But I had too much to lose. And I hated that Sydny Lafevre had gotten to me. I couldn't leave everyone behind. Especially Dezzy and my mother. They've already lost so much. I wasn't about to add to the mix. But I continued standing outside on that street corner earlier that day trying to come up with other possibilities. And after the entire pack of cigarettes was gone, it finally hit me. There wasn't anything I could do but tell the truth. Even if this truth wouldn't even remotely come close to setting me free. No, it would probably just land me into more trouble. But I had no other option.

Keegan opened the door, clearly surprised to see me. "James?"

"I need a favor."

She cocked her head to the side and eventually gestured me into the flat. I expected it to look drastically different, but truth was, the living room looked exactly the same. Except for a painting created by Lily's mother that had once adorned the wall over the couch, everything looked like it had before Lily moved out.

"Are you planning on moving?" I asked, surprised to see boxes lining the living room and kitchen.

She hesitated. "Uh…just doing some Spring cleaning."

I narrowed my eyes at her curiously. "It's December."

"Well, I'm getting a head start."

I scoffed. "Keegan," I warned.

She brushed me aside, heading to the couch. "Lily was just here looking for you," she said casually. Damn, I knew that she was probably worried. I should probably attempt to find her after this. Well, maybe not right after this. There's still someone else I have to talk to. "She told me about what happened to your-"

"That's why I'm here," I interrupted coolly.

Hesitance rested in her eye. "Yeah?"

"Write an exposé on the Potter family."

I froze. "What?" I asked when I finally found my voice.

"I'm done flying under the radar. Write an exposé. Please?"

"James, I-"

"My family has been through tragedy over tragedy. There are things you don't even know. Things that I probably don't even know. But things the world should know. Things I'm ready for the world to know."

"James-"

"My family is falling apart. A family of eight is now four. And maybe it's time I told people what's going on. Voldemort is after me. My family. And he started by taking Wyatt. By sucking him into his conspiracy…" I trailed off, shrugging. "Conspiracy vortex. He's a monster. And I want to be the one to stand up to him."

"James, I-"

"I don't know how long it will take, but you can interview my family. My friends. Friends of Brite and Wyatt and my father and JT. Go to the Italian Auror Department, talk to my father's old coworkers. My father's old study has tons of boxes of his and Brite's old case files and crime reports. You can go through them, find what you need to find. You can probably do plenty of research straight from the Daily Prophet. Plenty of articles have been written about my family."

"James-"

"Keegan, I'm begging you. Write the exposé."

She shot me a look. "James," she urged. "Have I once said I wouldn't do it?"

I winced. "Sorry, I-I just really need this to be written."

"I'll do it."

I smiled. "The funerals for my father and brother are tomorrow. You can get a lot of interviews out of-"

"I can't go to the funeral."

She said that a little too adamantly. "What?"

She sighed, swallowing hard. "I'm not a funeral type of girl. I'm sorry, but…but I can't go to the funeral."

She was hiding something. But in that moment, it wasn't about her. "How about the wake after the funeral? It's being held at Potter Manor."

She pondered. She didn't respond immediately, but eventually she said, "That could work."

I smiled. We were finally getting somewhere. "Thank you, Keegan."

She shrugged. "Malone is going to love this."

I chuckled. "I thought of that," I said. "It's dangerous. We're going to bring down Death Eaters. Voldemort even. Talk to Sydny. Talk to Moody. Talk to Dumbledore. Talk to me. I'm going to tell you stuff that's going to blow your mind. Blow anyone's mind who reads what you have to write. The Potter family is a mess. A mess of Aurors and…" I stopped short.

I saw curiosity in her eyes. The type of curiosity that came with a journalist. "And what?"

I met her gaze. "Death Eaters."

She froze. "What?"

"Exactly why you need to write this exposé."

She was definitely intrigued. She nodded. "Absolutely, James."

"Thank you."

She shrugged. "You're welcome."

I had no idea if this was a good idea or not. But I wasn't backing down. I was ready to expose the Potter family for what we were: a bunch of frauds. Well, Wyatt and me at least. My father, too. Even my mother had a lot to hide. It was time our secrets got put onto paper. Keegan Rouge would at least attempt to keep our name slightly virtuous. As virtuous as our name could possibly be. I just hoped that this wouldn't backfire.

Because I had a hunch that it probably would.

++SIRIUS++

James was officially MIA. I wasn't worried. I'd probably be MIA, too, if I just found two more family members had dropped dead. Lily was starting to hyperventilate but I think that had more to do with the fact that she wanted to be there for him versus any sort of worry due to his disappearance. I had gone back to question Sydny. There was no doubt in my mind she knew where he was. That she had found him and talked to him. And I'm not entirely sure I liked the sound of that. She had already caused enough drama and she had no idea what James had been through. She may have had an inkling but watching someone go through so much suffering is a lot different from just knowing about it.

Lily had gone back to Potter Manor and I ended up traipsing back to my flat. I had expected Remus to be back but much to my surprise, the flat was empty. I popped open a beer and sat down on the couch, wondering what James could possibly be thinking.

There was a light knock on the door and then it opened. Which wasn't a surprise. Most of my friends know by now to just wander in. No need for any formalities. I had expected it to be Lily but was shocked to see James at the front door.

"James," I said, jumping up from the couch. "How are you-"

"I don't want to talk about it," he interrupted, shaking his head. "I'm not here for me."

I hesitated. "Er…then what are you here for?"

He sighed. "Have a seat, Padfoot."

Uh-oh. I didn't like the sound of this. "Why?" I asked defensively.

"Just sit."

I obliged.

"My father and my brother weren't the only two found dead this morning," he started.

I froze, trying not to think of the numerous people that James could possibly be hinting at.

"Regulus was found dead, too."

Hm, that wasn't one of the people running through my head. I froze only slightly before frowning. "With…with your brother and-"

"No. Elsewhere."

"Oh."

"He drowned."

"Oh."

"Looks like he had been tortured before it happened. Most likely with the help of some Death Eaters."

"Oh."

"I'm sorry."

I sighed, shrugging. "I'm not."

He glanced at me. "Sure you are."

I rolled my eyes. "James, the last time I spoke to my brother was-"

"Doesn't matter," he argued, shooting me a glare. "When was the last time I spoke to my brother before two days ago? When was the last time I spoke to my father? It doesn't matter that you haven't spoken to Regulus in four years, Sirius. He's still family. He's still your flesh and blood who unfortunately died. You're sorry. You might pretend you don't care, but you do."

I wasn't sure where this determined, hard-ass attitude came from, but my guess is it had a little something to do with recent events. He knew plenty well that my family was nowhere near the kind of family that he had. And I didn't appreciate him comparing the two. "This isn't your family, James," I muttered. "It's mine. And I wouldn't even use the word 'family.' Blood-sucking, self-esteem dwindling, verbally abusive, Death Eater following sadists is a better term for the unfortunate group of people that I was stuck growing up with."

He sighed. "Sirius-"

I had no desire to listen to him attempt to romanticize Regulus' death. "Regulus did this to himself, James," I reminded him with a curt shrug. "He impulsively joined a group designed to killing innocent people and destroying lives. And the moment he tried to run out of sheer fear, he got himself killed. I don't have a lot of sympathy for that."

James clenched his fists, his glare intensifying. "It's the same thing Wyatt did, Sirius. But-"

"No," I interrupted, shaking my head. "It's not the same thing. Because Wyatt joined Voldemort at an attempt to protect his family. Regulus? He just joined to make his parents feel proud and to feel better about himself and his place in this wizarding world. Regulus and Wyatt may have died for similar reasons, but your brother's dead won't be in vain. My brother's probably will."

James sighed. "Your brother's death wasn't meaningless, Sirius. Maybe to you. But-"

"It was meaningless to those who mattered."

"What about my brother?"

I hesitated, confused. "What?"

He got quiet, but he didn't take his eyes off me. I sensed guilt emanating from him. Which just made me wonder what the hell he was going to throw at me next. Finally, he spoke. "Wyatt and Regulus were planning on going into hiding together."

Well, that threw me for a loop. "What?"

"They both wanted out. They talked about it before Regulus got caught by Aurors in the States and thrown into Azkaban. Wyatt was the one who warned Regulus about Dezzy and Drew. And once Wyatt escaped, the plan was to make amends with family and then he and Regulus were going to go into hiding together. I-I guess they just waited too long before doing so."

A million thoughts were swarming through my head. "How ironic," I eventually murmured.

"Hm?"

I forced a smile out. "Your brother and my brother? A Black and a Potter teaming up? Sounds a bit familiar."

James met my gaze. It was clear the irony wasn't lost on him. "I know."

I finished off my beer and placed it carefully on the coffee table before saying, "So my brother really wanted out?"

James nodded. "Yeah."

I wasn't sure what to think about that. I would have bet my life on the fact that my brother was a coward. A coward who would have gone along with Voldemort's every plan. I'm surprised that he and Wyatt had even discussed the possibility of escape considering the danger that that posed. "Interesting," was all I could think of to say.

"So maybe your brother didn't die in vain," James pointed out.

I sighed, glancing over at him curiously. It wasn't my brother I really wanted to discuss right now. "Look, James, I appreciate you attempting to make me feel better, but I'm pretty sure I'm not the one who needs to feel better."

He got up off the couch abruptly. "I already told you that I didn't come here for me, Sirius. I just thought you had a right to know what happened to your brother."

"James-"

"I've got to go. I have to tell Mom about Wyatt and my father," he said, heading towards the front door.

"James-"

"I don't even know if Mom knew about Wyatt returning," he mumbled, his hand on the door. "So this should be an interesting conversation."

"James!" I called after him before he could walk out.

"What?"

"I'm really sorry."

He stiffened. "I'll see you later."

I sighed as the door shut behind him. He was hurting. That much was obvious. But he would never show that or admit that. He was going to continue acting strong and being guarded. It's what he did best. I just hoped it didn't backfire on him once day.

++MAYA++

James didn't often show up on my doorstep unannounced so when the doorbell rang and he was standing there, I couldn't help but be a tad curious. But I invited him in for tea. When he nodded in agreement, I definitely knew something was up. My son hated tea.

"Well, this is a surprise," I spoke, gesturing for Ralphie, my house elf, to fill the tea kettle. Sometimes it felt silly to have a house elf in a small flat for just me but he provided me with a sense of comfort. "What brings you here, James?"

Silence.

I turned away from Ralphie to glance behind me, noting the distress in my son's knitted eyebrows. "You already sick of living with Lily?" I joked, knowing that whatever he had to tell me I probably didn't want to hear. So I stuck with some jokes to lighten the mood first. When he informed me was moving in with Lily, I wasn't surprised. I don't consider myself old-fashioned so the idea of my son living with his girlfriend before marriage didn't faze me. And it was about damned time James moved in with Lily. I knew that he's been guarding his heart a bit more since the death of Jaron. He's afraid to lose anyone else. And now with what happened with Dezzy and Drew, I can only imagine what was running through his head. I just prayed that Lily would stick with him even through these rough patches.

He didn't even crack a smile. "Oh, she's fine. This isn't about her."

I sighed, sinking into a kitchen chair as Ralphie returned to the living room to finish up dusting. "Yeah, I figured as much." I glanced up at him. "Just tell me."

"Hm?"

"You came here to tell me something so just say it."

He nodded slowly, clearly trying to figure the best way to tell me what he had to say. I used that time to run through the million things he possibly could tell me. If it was something about Dezzy, he wouldn't be so calm so I thankfully ruled her out. I thought that perhaps one of his friends or one of my friends had died. Nora Gilmore ran through my mind. I don't talk to her much anymore—she had always been more of Jonathan's friend than mine. But she was the Chief of Operations in the Auror office so James would know if something had happened to her. Or maybe it wasn't about a death at all. Maybe Dezzy and Drew were rethinking their marriage? No, that couldn't be it. Maybe new information on what happened to Brite or Jaron. Or maybe-

"Wyatt returned."

I froze. Okay, that wasn't even on the list of things I was thinking about. "What?"

"He came back."

I literally had nothing running through my head. I had no idea what to think or even what to say. My son who had disappeared off the face of the planet eight years ago had resurfaced. Had resurfaced and somehow sought James out. "He's…he's alive?" I croaked out. After so many years, a mother could only assume that a son who had the nerve to leave without a good-bye must have wound up dead.

He froze, his eyes widening with agony. "Mom," he said softly.

That told me everything I needed to know. I may not have seen Wyatt in eight years, but he was still my son. Another son that had died. A mother can only take so much. "He's dead, isn't he," I whispered, tears welling up in my eyes.

He swiftly got up from the chair and came around to embrace me tightly. Which just made the tears slip down my cheek faster. Thank God I still had James. I think about the danger he puts himself in every day as an Auror and I consider it a good day when he returns from the office alive and well.

"He was alive when he came back," James spoke softly. "He…he actually came back looking for you."

I wiped the tears from my eyes. "What?"

"He came back to Potter Manor looking for you and…and Dad," he said. He said 'dad' quite hesitantly. I don't remember the last time that I spoke to James about his father. "Obviously he didn't realize you didn't live there anymore."

That made me want to cry even more, but I tried as hard as I could to keep the tears from falling. I needed to be strong for James. He had already dealt with so much; I didn't want him to see me break down. But the idea that Wyatt had returned and immediately came looking for me gave me a sense of comfort. Not much, but just enough to make me feel that I didn't completely fail as a mother. "Did he tell you what he's been doing all these years?"

James' expression grew soft. Too soft. Eventually, he spoke. "No, not really."

It was a bold-faced lie. But if he felt so determined to lie to me then I was going to let it happen. I've already dealt with so many blows to my family. Whatever James knew was probably yet another thing I didn't want to have to deal with. "How did he die?"

"How do you think?" he murmured.

Fuck Voldemort.

"There's more."

I groaned, turning away from him as I attempted to blink back the tears. "Just tell me."

"He was with Dad when he was murdered," he said hesitantly, his eyes focusing in on mine curiously.

I whipped my head up to face him, gasping. "He…he…"

"I'm so sorry, Mom," James whispered, shaking his head.

My whole body froze in horror and shock. In all honesty, I've rarely thought about Jonathan since he left. If ever, if I could manage it. There were definitely times he popped into my head. But I did everything to ignore those thoughts. I still harbored some angry feelings towards him. I know why he left. He told me. He didn't just up and leave like Wyatt had, leaving a mere note behind. He was actually brave enough to tell me he was leaving. He just wasn't brave enough to stay. He blamed himself for our family falling apart. And no matter how many times I reassured him he wasn't to blame and that I never onceblamed him, he just couldn't listen. So he left. At a time I needed him most.

He hadn't always been so stiff and rigid. Before Brite came along, he was one of the sweetest, most caring men I've ever met. He was a romantic at heart, whisking me away on weekend getaways when he thought we needed some time off. But the moment Brite was born, Jonathan threw his whole life into his work in order to give his son (and eventually all of his children) a sense of security and accomplishment. He wanted to provide everything to his children that his father provided to him and his grandfather provided to Jonathan's father. Every male in the Potter family had been an Auror. And so he always thought that Brite and Wyatt and eventually James, Grant, and Jaron would want to follow in his footsteps. And maybe he pushed them a little too hard. Maybe he thought his strictness and excessive rigidity was good for his sons because that's what he got from his father and what his father got from his grandfather. But the moment Brite died, something broke inside of Jonathan. He suddenly realized that his strictness and rigidity and sternness was just that. That there was no good rhyme and reason to it. I only prayed that before he and Wyatt died, they had a chance to really hash things out. Because the one thing that had never changed during any of this was the fact that Jonathan loved our children. He thought he was doing them a favor leaving. And now he would never get the chance to explain to them how much he loved them.

"Your father loved you," I blurted out, staring determinedly at my son. Now, my eldest son.

He met my gaze, nodding slowly. "I know."

I had to turn away from him. He looked so much like his father and Wyatt. He looked so much like Brite and Jaron. "Do the others know?" The 'others' used to consist of so many people and now, I only had James, Dezzy, and Grant left. It broke my heart to think of my family torn to shreds.

He shook his head. "Not yet."

As the mother, I thought it should be me to tell them. But I could guarantee I wasn't anywhere strong to do so.

"I'm on my way to tell them now," James spoke.

I was grateful to have James in my life. I glanced up at him briefly and saw such pain in his eyes. Pain beyond his years. He tried to be so strong for all of us and he did a pretty damned good job at it. But I hated that he felt so obligated to do so. I couldn't imagine how much his heart was hurting from the death of his brothers and now his father. I couldn't imagine it because he wouldn't let me. "Thank you," I whispered breathlessly, wiping away a stray tear and grasping James' hand.

"How about that tea?" he asked with a sympathetic smile.

I could only nod at his attempt to lighten the mood.

"I'm not sure how you're going to feel about this," he began as he headed to the stove. He could have asked Ralphie to do it but I know James was just trying to busy himself. "But I asked Keegan to write an exposé on the Potter family."

I hesitated. He was right; I wasn't sure how to feel about that. "That's a long history," I said slowly. "Exactly where are you starting and ending this exposé?"

He shrugged. "She's the one doing the research so it's up to her. I guess she'll figure it out."

I glanced towards the living room where Ralphie was hustling around. I thought of Brite. My sweet, genuine Brite who always put others first. I thought of Jaron. My baby of the family who never failed to have a smile on his face. I thought of Wyatt who was the stubborn one of the family but who had a heart of gold. And I thought of Jonathan. The man I fell madly in love with back during out Hogwarts days. Everything had been so easy back then. And now? Everything had changed. I sighed and turned back to face my son standing in front of me. "I have a whole bunch of your father's old case files here. And there's about two bookshelves full back at the study in Potter Manor. They might be useful to Keegan."

He met my gaze, pouring a mug of water and sticking the tea bag in. "So you're okay with this?"

I shrugged. "Yeah, maybe this is what our family needs," I muttered. I didn't know if that was true. I still had two sons and a daughter to think about. And I had their families and friends to think about. An exposé could just make everything worse. It would put the Potter family on display for everyone. Including noneother than Lord Voldemort. But maybe it was time for the rest of the wizarding world to see that the Potters are more than just a deteriorating family. We were once a happy family. A happy family with goals and dreams that kept us living our lives to the fullest. Now, I merely lived my life on a day-to-to basis, waiting for the next tragedy to strike. It was depressing.

"I don't know what she's going to find," he admitted, handing me the warm mug of tea. "It could be bad."

"I know," I spoke softly, blowing on the tea. "It probably will be."

Glancing up at him, I saw a brief flash of guilt in his eyes before it was replaced with the hesitant vacant look he so often displayed on his face. "You going to be okay?" he asked.

No. Yes. Eventually. "Yeah."

"Mom?"

"Hm?"

"I love you."

++LILY++

I couldn't believe that it was just that morning I was jumping into the shower with James and now, he was nowhere to be found. A lot can go on in the span of twelve hours. I hated that.

I wasn't necessarily worried because James had disappeared. I wasn't worried because he hadn't checked in with me. I was worried because I loved him and he was hurting. And I just wanted to be with him. Not because he needed me. But because I needed him.

Three days living with James and I had barely spent any real time with him. I missed him more now than ever before. I know he loved me. But did he need me anymore? The moment that he found out about JT's kidnapping, he had been standing on my doorstep. It had been one o'clock in the morning and even though he lived with Sirius at the time, it was me he came to. We sat on my bed for hours until morning came, no words spoken between us but no sleep penetrating us either. He was vulnerable. Sad. Scared. Lost. And he showed it.

That was the last time I ever saw him like that.

I didn't know what James could possibly be feeling over Wyatt and his father's death. I knew he couldn't be pleased. But I had no idea what to believe anymore when it comes to James' emotions. It's been a long time since he'd been willing to show any honest emotion beside fake happiness.

I heard the front door open and I immediately rushed into the foyer. "Hey," I said breathlessly, falling into his arms as he wrapped them securely around my shoulders.

He kissed my hair and held me close. For a long time we just stood there. He gripped me tightly, squeezing my shoulders as if he never wanted to let go. And I never wanted him to let me go. He didn't say anything and I didn't either. I had a feeling all he really wanted was to hold me and in that moment that was all I had needed from him.

Finally, he spoke. "Please tell me we have tequila in this house."

I cracked a sympathetic smile and kissed his cheek. "Just the tequila soaking the game room carpet."

He didn't even laugh, merely shutting his eyes tightly and swallowing hard. "Can we just go to bed?" he whispered, his voice cracking.

I glanced at the grandfather clock in the foyer. "It's not even nine o'clock yet."

He opened his eyes, desperation flashing in them. "It's been a long day," he croaked out.

Tears sprang to my eyes and I tried blinking them away. It was my turn to act strong. "I love you, James."

There was a flicker of surprise in his eyes that I couldn't read. "I love you, too," he murmured.

As we headed upstairs, I couldn't help but wonder why he sounded so unsure of himself.

A/N: Yet another depressing chapter. But I hate to break it to you, they are all kinda in the middle of a war here so depressing chapters will be unfortunately easy to come by. But that's what they get for being both Aurors and Order members. I wish I could say it gets more uplifting from here but I think we all know that's probably not going to happen for a while.

Next: funeral reception, comfort from an unlikely person, and more about Tristan.