A/N: Yeah, yeah, this is where you call me a bad person for making you wait so long. I had a tough time with this chapter. On some days I liked it. Some days, I hated it. So the editing part of it was a tad more difficult than most. But I really hope it was worth the wait. Not much to say except thank you all for your wonderful reviews. Please remember that patience is a virtue for a reason. Both in regards to me updating and in regards to the plot line of this story. At times it may get a bit slow but it WILL speed up. And for all of you looking for a bit of Riley action, that is coming! Maybe not in this chapter...or the next...or even the next...but she will be included. I urge you for patience! Which is ironic because I am a highly impatient person...
Disclaimer: Oh sure I'm J.K. Rowling. And I'm married to Prince William with a kid on the way.
Goodbyes on the Balcony
By ByeByeBirdie
Chapter 19: Of Drinking Games, Eyebrows, & Oreos
++JAMES++
I was exhausted. I had been working pretty much every waking moment. When I wasn't at the office, I was in the study at Potter Manor. Lily tried getting me to go to Corner Joe's, but the idea of plastering a fake smile on my face while making aimless chitchat with a bunch of people I knew would just be staring at me with pitying eyes didn't exactly grab me. I instead woke up early that morning and headed to the training facilities. I wasn't surprised to find Fabian there. He often used the early mornings on the weekends to get in a good training. It was the quietest time. The most peaceful. It was easy to get lost in your thoughts. Which should have been a reason to keep me away, but there was something comforting about it just being Fabian and myself there. And one of my favorite traits of Fabian was that he wasn't overly nosy or inquisitive. He didn't ask me how I was doing or send me those annoying sympathetic looks. Maybe it was because he, too, had lost a brother. Or maybe it was because he, too, used those early mornings to lose himself in his own thoughts and didn't want to be bothered by my thoughts. I didn't care what it was. I was just glad he kept to himself.
Well, mostly.
"I heard you talked to Keegan," he had said at one point.
I hesitated at the unexpected interruption, glancing up at him curiously. "About?"
He shot me a look. "You know what I'm talking about."
I slowly stood up from my position of push-ups, dusting myself off. "Tristan," I had muttered.
He nodded.
"Yeah, I spoke to her."
"Can you believe she kept it from us all this time?"
Again, I paused. "I'm not surprised she kept it from me. Maybe I'm a little surprised that she kept it from you."
He shrugged curtly, stretching his arms over his head. "I'm not," he murmured. "She was a pro at keeping secrets."
I had frowned, unsure what to really say at that point. "I'm sorry that you two broke up," I spoke softly.
He slowly met my gaze, shrugging. "It was inevitable. She didn't want to open up and what kind of relationship is that?"
"Fabian-"
He cut me off. "She said you blamed yourself for what happened to Tristan."
I sighed. "How can I not?"
"You weren't there, James," Fabian said. "You couldn't have saved the Moreaus and you couldn't have saved your brother or mine."
Maybe I couldn't save them then, but I should have been able to save the people around me now. I thought back to the night Keegan interviewed me. I had kept a lot from her. I wasn't as open as I probably should have been. But I couldn't tell her that being around me was disastrous for anyone, including her. And if anyone outside my family and the Daily Prophet ever found out she was attempting to write an exposé, it would be disastrous for her. Deadly. She had to have known that but was just pretending everything was fine. Something she was quite good at. But that didn't mean I wanted to divulge every little secret, fearful that she would realize how risky this exposé would truly be to her livelihood. So I wasn't candid with her. I lied and skirted the truth a lot. And I could tell she knew I was holding back. Maybe one day I'd be able to tell her the horror that had become my life. Maybe one day I'd be able to tell anyone. But right now, it had to be my secret. Otherwise, everyone around me would wind up dead.
I couldn't help but wonder when I became so dark and depressing, always thinking about death and destruction. I used to be so happy and carefree, enjoying just living in the moment. My friends had come first before all else that was going on in my life. And now, all I could focus on was work. It was easier that way.
A week later I had woken up and realized I couldn't continue trying to control my life through work. Diving headfirst wasn't going to change what happened in the past and what may happen in the future. So while I had planned on heading back into the office one morning like I had been doing so mechanically for so long, I found my mind on something completely different. So it didn't come as a surprise when once I apparated, I found myself in Hogsmeade outside Hogwarts instead of outside the Ministry.
It was time I spoke to Dumbledore.
I had been avoiding Dumbledore and ignoring him because it was easier being angry at him than admit it was really me I was angry with. I was angry for letting things get so out of hand. For watching so many people close to me die. For watching myself fall apart. I wasn't angry at Dumbledore. I needed him.
"James, this is a surprise," he greeted me when I walked into his office. I felt chills on the back of my neck. It had been a long time since I stood in that office. I had been just a kid.
Sometimes I wish I was still that kid.
"Hey," I murmured, slipping into a chair in front of his desk.
He leaned back in his oversized chair, never letting his gaze waver from mine. "I'd ask how you're doing, but based off the way you've been avoiding me recently, I believe I already know the answer."
"It's not you I've been avoiding," I blurted out.
He offered me a curt nod. "I realize that."
I glanced up at him and was surprised to not see sympathy in his eyes. It seemed that everyone I looked at recently was giving me those pathetic pitying eyes. I hated those eyes. And I was grateful to see that Dumbledore was just looking at me. Not pitying me.
I found myself blurting out, "Why didn't you ever tell me about Wyatt?"
A bit of surprise fluttered in his eyes. "It wasn't my place."
"Whose place was it?" I murmured, harsher than intended. "Because it seems to me Wyatt was a bit busy these past eight years."
"He didn't want to tell any of you," he admitted with a frown. "He didn't know how. He didn't want to risk any of your lives for his ultimate decision."
"You mean your ultimate decision?"
Dumbledore's steady gaze still didn't waver.
"You were the one who asked Wyatt to join Voldemort's army."
He hesitated. Which was a surprise to me. I can't remember the last time Albus Dumbledore hesitated. "Tom Riddle was the one who had asked Wyatt to join Voldemort's army."
Oh, I knew Tom Riddle well. I was still receiving letters from him requesting my presence in Voldemort's army. I had no idea who Tom Riddle was but I loathed him with a serious passion. "Wyatt had said no. We have all said no. Brite, me, Sirius, Dezzy, I can only assume Grant has been asked and has refused. Wyatt didn't say yes to Tom Riddle. He said yes to you. Because you asked him to."
Dumbledore was staring at me with those wise and patient eyes of his. I hated those eyes sometimes. It was hard to lash out at someone with eyes like those. "You're right," he finally spoke. "I did ask him to go on a very dangerous and deadly mission. Very much like the same mission I asked you to do when I requested your help with the Order."
"That's not the same thing," I spat out in a hurt whisper. "Wyatt had to go undercover in Voldemort's army. The bad guys. I'm trying to bring down Voldemort on the side of the good guys. If I ever wanted out of the Order, the consequences wouldn't be death. At least I'd hope not."
His patience didn't falter, letting me finish seething before responding. "Your brother was a very brave and ambitious man, James. He could have told me no, but-"
"He never would have said no to you," I snapped.
Another long pause. "I know," he eventually spoke. "And maybe that's a part of the reason I asked him."
Well, that surprised me. Didn't think Dumbledore would admit that.
"James, you have to understand that we were all desperate for answers back then. Voldemort was rising into power and his right-hand man, the Executioner, had just gone mad and innocent people died at both of their expense. We knew that Voldemort was shaping together an army but we didn't know what to expect from it. I may have been a bit hasty, but before I even considered forming the Order I needed to know what we were looking at. I knew your brother would be able to help us. What's more is that I knew he would want to."
"You sent him straight into an ambush," I snapped, ignoring nearly every word he just spoke. "He was never accepted. Voldemort used him and played him. Voldemort killed two of his brothers without even letting him know! It was total nonsense."
"No," he said with a frown. "Not total nonsense. You might not want to hear this, but Wyatt did exactly what I hoped he would undercover. It was the type of work we needed to start the Order. He pointed us in the right direction of a lot of potential raids, helped us throw numerous Death Eaters into Azkaban, warned us before attacks or kidnappings or murders were to occur, informed us of Voldemort's hidden agendas. He helped in every way-"
"The only thing he helped was Sydny Lafevre make her name known in the wizarding world by taking credit for his work."
He was getting frustrated by my interruptions and quick judgments, that much was obvious. But Dumbledore had always been so good at being patient even when it probably wasn't warranted. "Yes, we needed a liaison who wasn't me in order for the mission to work. And after all she had been through, I knew she would want to be that person."
"Yeah, and why's that?"
He let out a heavy sigh. "That's not for me to tell."
Why was I not surprised. "Fine, I'm not here to chat about Lafevre anyway," I muttered irritably, shaking my head. "Her involvement means little to me. Wyatt died because of what you asked him to do! You don't get to keep your hands clean on this one."
"I never said I did."
"Why? Why did you ask Wyatt? Why did you tear apart my family? Why did it have to be him? Why did it have to be anyone!? He died and for what? What cause? What justification? Why did Wyatt deserve to die?"
"He didn't deserve that. He was just one of many who died fighting for what he believed in."
"No! He fought for what you believe in!" I snapped, my frustration getting the better for me.
Dumbledore frowned, brooding calmly. And for some reason that really made me mad. "You have every right to be angry, James," he said slowly. "But it's not me you're angry with."
"I know!" I cried out, my bottom lip trembling due to sheer aggravation. "It's me! For being so unbelievably stupid to not have realized what was right in front of me! First, Brite dies. Then, JT does. Then he goes after Dezzy and Drew, next was Lily. Now Wyatt and my father are dead. How could it take me this long to realize that this entire time, Voldemort was out to get me!" I know I sounded hysterical but I was finally just letting it all out instead of keeping it trapped inside of me.
"You're not stupid, James," he said firmly, ignoring my shouts. "You couldn't see it because a lot of people made sure you wouldn't."
That didn't comfort me one bit. "Yeah, a whole lot of people who have been working together for eight years to try and protect me and my family. And a lot of good that has done us." It wasn't meant to sound bitter. Just the opposite. It was meant to sound helpless.
"Your brother and your father were good men, James," Dumbledore spoke softly. A little too softly. I glanced up and wondered if there was even more that he was hiding from me. "They died nobly. Fighting for you."
"But when is it my turn to fight for me?" The words were out of my mouth so quickly.
His stoic gaze met my desperate one. "You already are, James."
I sighed. "Then why doesn't it feel like it?"
"Don't let the tragedies define you, James," Dumbledore spoke swiftly, offering me a sympathetic smile. "That's what Voldemort wants."
How could I not let the tragedies define me? It was my family, my own flesh and blood, dying by the hands of Voldemort to spite me. "I'm trying to not let them define me," I spoke softly, slowly shaking my head. "But it's hard not to."
"I know," he said with a curt nod. "But you're strong, James. And you have a ton of people around you who are going to be there for you, even during the tough times. Don't give up on yourself."
Yeah, I have a ton of people around me now. But how long would that last? "He's after Lily," I blurted out, the desperation evident in my voice.
There was a mere flicker of panic in Dumbledore's eyes. It was brief, but I definitely saw it there. "He's after everybody," he said vaguely.
That look in his eyes might have been brief, but it was enough to frighten me. It was clear that Dumbledore, too, believed that Voldemort was after Lily. "Tell me what to do," I croaked out.
Dumbledore sat back in his chair, scrutinizing me for a few seconds. He narrowed his wise eyes as he contemplated my request pensively. He looked at me hesitantly as if he wanted to say something that I might not want to hear but eventually the hesitation gave way to reluctance. "Nothing," he simply spoke.
"Nothing?"
"Don't change what you do and who you are because you're afraid."
Those words stuck in my mind for the rest of the afternoon. I wanted to believe that I didn't have to change the way I lived my life because of a murderous villain but my mind was crammed full of fearful paranoia and there wasn't a whole lot I could do or think to get rid of it.
I didn't have anything left to say and as I looked over at Dumbledore, I know that he didn't either. I merely nodded my farewell and walked out of his office, trying desperately to think of anything and anyone that wasn't Voldemort. I didn't succeed.
Later, as I walked the halls of Hogwarts and let myself live in the past for just a few extra minutes before heading back to work, I wondered how it was Dumbledore recognized that I was afraid. I thought I had always been so good at looking and acting strong around other people even though inside, I was screaming.
But naturally, nothing ever got by Albus Dumbledore.
++LILY++
It was two weeks after the funeral of Wyatt and Mr. Potter and I had barely spoken two words to James. I tried not to take it personally; I knew I shouldn't take it personally. Whatever and whoever James was avoiding, I knew it wasn't me. I knew it was himself. But it didn't change the fact that I missed him. I missed the people we used to be together.
It was after ten o'clock at night when James wandered into the kitchen. He glanced over at the table covered in candles and a fancy tablecloth that I had found hidden in one of the upstairs linen closets. "What's this?"
I glanced over my shoulder from cleaning dishes. "If you don't know what dinner looks like by now, I'm a little bit frightened."
He barely cracked a smile. "It's after ten o'clock. At this point, it's more of a midnight snack."
I shrugged, throwing a pot into the drying rack. I knew that I could have been using magic to clean the dishes but there was something so comforting and relaxing about doing dishes the old-fashioned way. "It's probably been two weeks since you've had a proper meal, James," I said softly. "I just thought I would do something nice."
I could see the inner turmoil in his head as he met my gaze. "You didn't have to go to so much trouble."
"I've been home since seven o'clock," I said dryly. "It's no trouble."
He winced and I was grateful to know he actually could recognize when I was a tad bitter. "Well, thanks," he murmured, sliding into one of the kitchen chairs.
"Beer?" I asked.
He glanced down at the pork tenderloin. "Does beer go with pork?"
"Do you really care?" I said with a hint of a smile.
Once again, his facial expression remained motionless. "Nah."
I went into the refrigerator and tossed him a beer before returning to my last few dishes. I heard his fork scraping the plate behind me hastily but I didn't bother turning around. If he wanted to keep this awkward distance between us, so be it.
I finished up the last mixing bowl and slid into the empty seat across from James. "You ready to talk to me?"
His eyes lifted from his plate long enough to shoot me a confused stare. "What?"
I shrugged curtly. "You've successfully avoided me for two weeks, James. And frankly, I've let you avoid me. But not anymore. What's going on?"
He quickly averted his eyes. "I'm just busy, Lils," he murmured. Well, he was using my nickname. That was a start.
"Bullshit," I retorted. "You're using work as an excuse."
"An excuse for what?" he scoffed.
I shrugged. "You tell me."
He rolled his eyes. "Was this dinner some sort of ridiculous bribe? You supply me with a good meal in hopes I'll suddenly open up about my crappy life?"
My eyebrow shot up irritably. "I didn't realize I had to bribe you in order for you to talk to me."
His stoic gaze didn't waver, reluctance flickering in his hazel pupils. "There's nothing to talk about, Lily," he retaliated. "I'm sorry if you moved in here thinking it would be an endless party every night but my work is very important to me. After everything that-"
"Don't you dare patronize me about me moving in here. Did I think it would be an endless party every night? Hell no. Did I think I'd actually get to spend some time with you? Yeah. How stupid of me."
"Your sarcasm is unbecoming right now," he muttered, shoveling mashed potatoes into his mouth quickly.
"Your nonexistence is unbecoming all the time." It was a ridiculous thing to say and even after I said it, I was cringing at the way it sounded.
He didn't let my words faze him. "I'm busy, Lily," he repeated irritably. "There are Death Eaters to be caught, plans of Voldemort to be destroyed, crime reports to pore over, recruit trainings to-"
"If you use work as an excuse one more time, so help me Merlin, I'm moving back in with Keegan," I muttered, shaking my head in disbelief.
He fell silent, meeting my frustrated gaze. Neither of us spoke, me just wanting the truth from James and he just wanting to sweep this all under the rug for now. Which I wasn't about to let happen. Eventually, he sighed. "Don't move out," he whispered, shaking his head. "I'm…I'm sorry, Lils. I am. I don't mean to sound like I'm making excuses."
"Then don't make excuses," I pleaded.
He didn't respond, instead picking up his empty plate and dropping it into the sink. He pulled out his wand and cleaned the dish in a matter of seconds. He levitated it to the drying rack before turning back to face me. I prayed this was the part where he would tell me what was going on with him. I wanted him to open up and let me in because it was killing me being so distant from the man I was so very much in love with.
There was a brief flicker of anguish in his eyes before it was replaced with his usual determined, vacant glint. "You want to put on a movie?"
Well, that threw me for a loop. "Uh…what?"
He shrugged. "You're right. We haven't been spending any time together. But I'm home now. So let's put on a movie. You can choose. Except if you choose a Meryl Streep movie, don't think I won't force you to move back in with Keegan for good."
Hm, a joke. That was a good start. But I had a feeling this sudden decision to watch a movie was so that we could avoid talking about what was bothering him. I wanted to interrogate him further but at that moment, I just wanted him. I didn't want to start a fight. "Well, I sure as hell am not watching old Quidditch matches on WiziSports."
He smiled, but when I turned to look at him, I was surprised to see guilt staring back at me. "Lils," he spoke, his words barely above a whisper.
I frowned. "Yeah?"
"I hope you know how much I love you," he said softly.
Relief warmed my heart as I slowly got up off my chair and walked over to him. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my lips hungrily to his. "I do," I whispered.
He brushed my hair away from my face with his lips. "C'mon," he said softly. "Let's go watch that movie."
I grabbed his hand and we headed into the downstairs den. I can't remember what movie we ended up watching and I can't remember what we discussed or what time we ended up drifting to sleep. The only thing I remember is feeling awkward in James' arms.
And I've never felt awkward in his arms before.
++JAMES++
The image that ran through my mind every time I looked at Lily was her lying dead in the St. Mungo's morgue. It scared me, it depressed me, but most of all, it distanced me. I knew she deserved a better boyfriend. I knew I deserved to be a better boyfriend. But she deserved, more than anything, a better life. And I wanted so desperately to give that to her.
I just wasn't so sure how.
++REMUS++
Sirius had somehow convinced me that making a drinking game out of wizarding chess would be a good idea. I think he was quickly regretting that when he realized how horrible he was at wizarding chess. He was about four beers in and three shots down to my half a beer and one shot. And it was barely eight o'clock at night.
"You ready to surrender yet?" I sniggered, as I captured one of his knights.
He cursed before chugging half of his beer. "I should have suggested making a drinking game out of Exploding Snaps instead," he muttered.
"Padfoot, for as bad as you are at chess, you're much worse at Exploding Snaps."
"Aren't there any games you suck at?"
"Nah, I'm awesome."
He shot me a look and I couldn't help but chuckle. "Stop stalling and move."
He glanced down at the board, narrowing his eyes curiously as if he were really scrutinizing the game. He was interrupted by a knock on the door. "I'll get it!" he cried out immediately, jumping up from the dining room table.
"We're not through here, Sirius!" I called out after him.
He merely grinned, swinging the door open. "You have impeccable timing, Lily-bean."
I scooted my chair and peeked around the corner to the front door. "You have atrocious timing, Lily," I corrected.
She glanced at Sirius briefly before moving her gaze to me. "Do I want to know what you two are up to?"
"Probably not," Sirius and I said in unison. We did that often.
"Good answer," she said offhandedly. "You two up for Blarney's?"
"Hell yeah," Sirius responded immediately.
I glared at him. "This doesn't get you out of our game."
"Sure it does," he said with a curt shrug, reaching into the coat closet for his jacket. He pointed to mine and I nodded. He threw it towards me as I climbed out of the chair.
"What game?" Lily asked.
"Drunken wizarding chess," Sirius reported.
She rolled her eyes. "Must you guys turn everything into a drinking game?"
"This is Sirius we're talking about," I chimed in. "Are you really surprised?"
She chuckled, stepping out of the doorway so we could follow her out. "Any particular reason for tonight's Blarney's excursion?" I asked curiously. Lily wasn't usually the one to initiate a trip to Blarney's. It was usually Sirius actually, and Lily was often so busy or spending her free time with James that she was typically the one being dragged to the bar and not the one who was doing the dragging.
There was a slight hesitation from her and when I glanced in her direction, I noted distress in her eyes. "No, not particularly," she lied. "James isn't home and I didn't fancy spending another night by myself. And considering Sirius' second home is Blarney's, I thought it was prudent to invite you two along."
She was hiding something, but I didn't press it. She clearly wasn't in the mood to discuss.
"Should we invite Rouge?" Sirius said as an after-thought.
Well, there's a sentence I never thought I'd hear from Sirius Black. Lily stared at him with her mouth hung open before lifting her eyes towards me. "Did hell freeze over recently?" Lily asked dumbfoundedly.
"I don't think so. Do pigs now fly?"
"Not that I recall."
Sirius rolled his eyes. "Jeez, it was just a question."
"You just asked if we should invite to Blarney's a girl who you have a written list for all the ways you'd decapitate her," I pointed out.
Lily gasped. "You actually have a list for that!?"
Sirius ignored her, as well he probably should. "Hey, the girl is all alone now thanks to you, Lily-bean, and on top of that we have all learned she lost her fiancé in the worst way possible! I'm just trying to be nice."
I blinked. "I didn't realize you knew how to be nice."
He shot me a look. "We don't have to invite her. I was merely asking a straight-forward question. Didn't realize it was such a big deal."
"Did I mention the decapitation list?"
"Merlin of Agrippa, I'm never inviting anyone anywhere ever again," Sirius muttered, shaking his head in disbelief.
Lily couldn't help but snicker, striding across the hall to Keegan's apartment. Since I've moved into the new apartment almost three weeks ago, I've been in her apartment only once. And that was to borrow ice. Lily pounded on the door. "KEEGAN, WE'RE GOING TO BLARNEY'S!"
It didn't take long for the door to swing open. "And a good evening to you, too," Keegan snickered.
"Grab your jacket and let's go," Lily said with a grin.
"And what if I'm busy writing an article for Malone or cleaning the apartment or researching for the Potter exposé or rearranging-"
"Researching for what?" Lily interrupted almost immediately. My thoughts exactly.
Keegan hesitated. "The Potter family exposé."
We all stared at her, blinking confusedly. "I repeat: what?" Lily snapped.
She frowned. "James didn't tell you?"
"You're writing an exposé on the Potter family?" I blurted out, my heart skipping a beat. This didn't sound like a good idea.
She sighed, nodding slowly. "Yeah, James asked me to."
"Is that such a wise idea?" Sirius asked, that very question on my mind as well. "After everything he's been through?"
"Maybe that's why it is a wise decision," Keegan argued. "It's not like hiding has done the Potters any good. Maybe it's time for the world to see who they really are."
"And what could you possibly know about who they really are?" Sirius retaliated immediately, narrowing his eyes.
Her stare turned cool. "I don't," she scoffed. "But I'm willing to find out. Hence the research remark."
He rolled his eyes. "For the record, I think this is a bad idea."
"For the record, I don't care."
Sirius' jaw stiffened and I could tell he was clenching down on his back teeth so as not to lash out at her. "Does Mrs. P know you're doing this?"
A good question. "Yeah," she said with a shrug. "She gave me a whole bunch of boxes that used to belong to Mr. Potter. Boxes filled with crime reports and background checks and criminal history statements and Wizengamot trial testimonies. And there are apparently more in James' study."
I still thought this could be a potentially horrible idea. I could understand James' desire to get the truth out there but who's to say that Voldemort won't hear about this exposé and want to target the Potters even more than he has. Because I had a pretty damned good feeling that whatever Keegan might dig up, it had a lot to do with Voldemort and his army.
"What exactly is the focus of this?" Lily asked curiously.
Yet another good question.
Keegan hesitated, shrugging. "I don't know. But after some more research, I'm sure I'll figure it out."
Silence followed.
"Isn't it obvious what the focus will be?" I finally spoke.
All eyes turned to me. "What do you mean?" Keegan asked curiously.
I shot her a look. "The center of all the Potter drama and tragedies has been one person," I said, trying not to sneer my words. Lily turned away from me; I had a feeling she knew exactly who I was referring to, but both Sirius and Keegan were looking at me with curious eyes. "Here's a hint: he starts with a V and ends with oldemort."
Keegan cocked her head to the side curiously. "Remus-"
"Why Wyatt left, why Brite died, why Wyatt and Mr. Potter died, why Dezzy was kidnapped," I continued, not wanting to hear Keegan attempt to moralize her exposé, "Those boxes that Maya gave to you all consist of notes and reports on Voldemort and his men. So don't pretend like you don't know what direction this exposé is heading in. Because I'm pretty damned sure that this exposé isn't going to just be about the Potter family. It's going to be the Potters vs. Voldemort. Here's a working title for you: 'Potters vs. Voldemort: Who Prevails?'" I grunted. "Oh, and for the record, once this exposé gets out, I can guarantee the latter will."
I'm not sure why I was so vehemently against this idea. Maybe I was just done watching one of my best friends lose control of his life. And I realize that this exposé was probably his idea of trying to gain some of that control back. But he was going about it all wrong. The moment this exposé got released and all the intimate details of the Potter family and their ties to Voldemort were uncovered, Voldemort would stop at nothing to destroy them.
The three of them were staring at me, slightly awestruck. It wasn't like me to stir up any trouble.
"Please, tell me how you really feel," Keegan responded sarcastically.
I shot her a look. "I think it's an overwhelming mistake, Keegan," I reiterated matter-of-factly.
"Yes, you've made that pretty clear," she snorted, shrugging. "But honestly, it's not really up to you."
I frowned. "You're really willing to put so many people at risk to further your career?"
She glared at me, crossing her arms bitterly. "This isn't about me, Remus," she snapped. "This is about showing the world that no matter what Voldemort does to the Potter family, they are still going to fight back. They are going to stand strong and fight for what's right. Fight for justice. Fight for themselves and for their lost family members. They don't give up and they don't back down. So is this exposé potentially dangerous and risky? Absolutely. But is it worth the risk? You bet your ass it is."
"No offense, Rouge," Sirius interrupted. "But you've only known James for a few months now. You don't know everything he's been through. So I'm sorry if I'm not going to listen to you idealize this ridiculous exposé."
"Fine, don't listen to me," she retaliated with a shrug. "But the only person I'm going to listen to is James. So take it up with him."
The three of us exchanged looks. We knew we wouldn't talk to James about it. As ridiculous as it probably was, it was easier walking on eggshells around him lately then try to strike up any sort of friction. It would just give him another reason to shut us out in the end.
"Can we just go to Blarney's now?" Lily murmured.
I wasn't really in the mood anymore and judging by the frustrated look on Sirius' face, he wasn't either. But I could tell Lily really needed a drink and she really needed some company. So I merely nodded. "Yeah, let's go."
We didn't mention the exposé again for the rest of the night, but I had a feeling we were all thinking about it.
Lily wasn't acting like herself at Blarney's that night. She plastered a smile on her face and joined in on the conversation when asked a question, but the smile didn't reach her eyes and her words were often short and mechanical. It was clear that whatever James was going through wasn't just affecting the way he lived his life but was also affecting Lily's ability to live hers.
"How goes the new apartment?" Keegan asked us once we were settled into a bar table with a few drinks underway.
I glanced up from my beer. "Smaller than Potter Manor," I said with a teasing smile.
She chuckled. "I'm pretty sure that's an understatement."
"Somehow Remus and I got the short end of the stick during this whole move," Sirius chimed in, poking Lily in the ribs.
She scowled, swatting at him as Keegan spoke up. "Uh, I am pretty sure I got the short end of the stick considering I have to deal with you living across the hall from me."
"You didn't seem to think you got the short end of the stick when you borrowed a half carton of eggs from us," Sirius retaliated, grinning superiorly.
"Whoa," Lily spoke up, her eyebrow shooting upwards. "You guys had real food in your refrigerator?"
"Yes, I thought it would be a wise idea to make omelets last weekend," I spoke with a shrug. "So I sent Sirius to the grocery store."
Two female skeptical looks stared back at me.
"He came back with eggs, gummy worms, marshmallow fluff, cheese wiz, and whipped cream. I'm actually surprised he remembered the eggs."
The two girls roared with laughter as Sirius scowled. "You did not specify what you wanted in your omelets, Moony!"
"Uh, I did too. I said cheese and vegetables!"
He hesitated, sipping his beer slowly. "I brought back cheese wiz. Isn't that close enough?"
Three groans filled the table, including my own. "How the hell do you put up with him?" Keegan asked me, thrusting her thumb in Sirius' direction.
"Uh because when he's craving gummy worms and eggs, he knows he can always find that combination in our kitchen?" Sirius responded as if that was the most obvious answer.
"Believe me when I say I will never be craving that combination, Pads," I groaned, shooting my friend a look.
He shrugged. "Oh, well. More for me."
"How are you not four hundred pounds?" Keegan sighed in mock disbelief.
"Well, the long walk from my bedroom to the kitchen does offer me quite a bit of exercise before I pig out."
Keegan let out an overdramatic sigh. "It is a damned good thing you're pretty, Mr. Black."
He grinned. "So you think I'm pretty?"
She rolled her eyes, taking a sip of her firewhisky and cola. "What I think is that you're a moron."
"A pretty moron?"
She couldn't help but laugh at the giddy eagerness in Sirius' voice as he playfully bounced up and down on his stool. "Yes, Sirius," she said with a sly smile. "You are in fact a pretty big moron."
He stopped bouncing long enough to make a face at her. "Must you always twist my words?"
"I'm a journalist. It's what I do."
"I'm going to have to remember that."
I rolled my eyes at their banter. While most of the time it was cringe-worthy, sometimes the two of them could really entertain the rest of us.
"Alright, Lily-bean, it's time you and I hit the dance floor," Sirius said with a hopeful grin, elbowing her in her side. I glanced curiously over at Sirius and wondered if he had noticed Lily's less-than-enthusiastic attitude and was trying to cheer her up.
"Er…what dance floor?" Keegan asked with a smirk.
"The one I'm about to create," Sirius retaliated suggestively, winking at her.
"Or we could just sit here and continue to enjoy our drinks in the midst of interesting conversation," Lily suggested instead.
"If I leave to go roll out a dance floor, that interesting conversation is going with me."
Smirks spread across our faces. "When was the last time you said anything even remotely interesting?" Keegan spoke up.
Sirius pretended to contemplate it. "I think I was five."
We couldn't help but laugh. It was good to see the two of them not going at each other's throats like they usually were but it was slightly unsettling. I was expecting one of them to blow up at the other any second now.
"Lily-bean, let's go!" Sirius whined, pouting pleadingly at her as he hopped off the stool.
"Why must you insist on making a fool out of yourselves and dragging me down with you?" Lily sighed overdramatically, shooting him a look.
"Oh, you love me," he said with a grin, stepping behind her to shake her shoulders a bit.
She groaned and I could tell she was giving in. "Alright, fine!" she said, shrugging him off as she slipped off the stool. "But dammit, you owe me a drink before you play some outdated song on the jukebox and choose to twirl me around this bar like a complete idiot."
"Deal!" he said, linking arms with her and heading off into the crowd.
When I glanced over at Keegan, I was surprised to see a genuine smile on her face as she watched the two traipse off. "Alright, spill," I blurted out. "What is going on with you and Sirius?"
She turned to me, startled. "What?"
I shot her a look. "Sirius was the one who wanted to invite you out tonight. Enough said."
She frowned curiously. "He did?"
I nodded. "So you can't tell me nothing's going on."
"No, it really is nothing," she argued. "We just…I don't know, swept some things under the rug I guess."
"How is that even possible when just last week you told me that you would totally strangle Sirius with your bare hands if you didn't think a black and white striped prison suit would clash with your mani-pedi?"
She grinned. "I do like my mani-ped-"
"Not my point, Rouge."
She made a face, nursing her drink slowly before saying, "Turns out, the two of us have a lot in common."
I waited for her to say something else and when she didn't I rolled my eyes. "Gee, please don't bore me with the details."
She cracked a smile, turning to look at me. "I'm sure Sirius has told you."
She didn't have to explain. I knew that she was referring to Tristan. I nodded.
"I know you understand, too, am I right?"
That time, she was referring to Jillian. I nodded again.
She let out a long sigh. "It's been a hard four years," she muttered.
My heart nearly broke for her then. "I can't imagine what you've been going through, Keegan. I don't think anyone really can until they've…" the words caught in my throat.
"They've lost someone they've loved?" she finished for me, meeting my knowing gaze.
I hesitated before nodding.
She didn't respond immediately, her lips pursing curiously together. "We're not going to actually talk about this, are we?" she asked slowly.
Thank God she said it because I had no desire to dredge up the past. "I'm okay with changing the subject."
She let out a sigh of relief as she clinked the ice together in her glass, her eyes stoic on the rim. "Y'know, I've talked more about Tristan over the past week than I have in the past four years," she mused contemplatively.
I frowned. "I'm sorry to bring it up."
"You didn't," she argued with a forced smile. "I was the one who alluded to him."
Well, that was true. "Yeah, but I'm still sorry. It can't be easy."
She hesitated before saying, "It should be. It's been four years."
I didn't say anything, though I couldn't help but think that even four years couldn't always heal an incredibly broken heart. I tried ignoring that thought as it depressed me far too much. I was still convinced that I'd wake up one day soon just to be completely over Jillian. It may sound naïve, but I was tired of still loving someone who left me on the day that we were supposed to get married.
"So how about that subject change?" Keegan interrupted my thoughts with a hopeful grin.
I chuckled, nodding. "Considering the prior subject was a bit depressing, I wouldn't say no to a new topic of discussion."
"So tell me, oh swift one, how is it you went home with Sydny Lafevre after the charity event when all the guys in the room were drooling over her?"
I could feel my cheeks grow hot. "On the other hand, I prefer the depressing subject."
She laughed, elbowing me playfully. "Alright, fine. How about we just find you a girl to fool around with here?"
"How about we find you a man?"
She made a face. "I was afraid you'd say that."
I shrugged, thinking about Fabian. "Not ready to date?"
"Is anyone ever ready to date?"
I blinked. "Well, I can tell you that you're asking the wrong person that question."
She frowned, slowly meeting my gaze. "I'm noticing that we keep returning to depressing subjects."
I forced out a smile. "How about we go join those two goofballs attempting to get that table of girls out on the nonexistent dance floor?"
A sly smile spread across Keegan's face as she glanced over at Lily and Sirius, the latter trying to turn on the charm at a table full of four girls. "Five galleons say they shoot him down."
I laughed. "No way. You see that blonde girl? She's looking at Sirius like she wants to eat him up. She's going to go for it."
"Yeah but the girl with the green scarf looks like she wants to stab him with her sharp manicured nails."
"Ah, so the look you often have in your eye around him?"
She couldn't help but laugh, rolling her eyes at me. "We've turned a corner, remember?"
"I'm going to have to see it to believe it," I teased. "So do we have a bet or not?"
"Oh, you're on," she said with a grin, lifting her glass up to clink to my beer.
I couldn't remember who ended up winning the bet but it was the first time in a long time where Keegan and I just hung out without bothering to let our past relationship history run every thought through our mind. Turns out, Keegan Rouge wasn't so bad when she wasn't trying so hard to keep secrets from us.
++LILY++
Even a night out with Sirius' crazy antics, Keegan's teasing demeanor, and Remus' laidback attitude couldn't make me forget James' recent disappearing act. Especially when I traipsed back to Potter Manor well after midnight and James still wasn't home yet.
If trying to talk to James wasn't going to work, maybe it was time to talk to someone else.
++SYDNY++
I was knee deep in a stack of old crime reports when I heard a woman clear her throat behind me. I glanced up, somewhat surprised to see Lily Evans standing there. While she was James' girlfriend and now roommate, I didn't see much of her on the 2nd floor. She popped in very occasionally but she was busy and James was busy that they rarely associated with each other in the office.
"James isn't here," I said with a curt shrug. "He's in the training facilities with Alice."
"I know," she murmured, a frown deepening her face. "I'm…er…I'm not here for him."
I hesitated. By the way she was looking at me, I had a good feeling she was there to speak to me. I just wasn't sure why. "Oh," I said for lack of anything better to say. "Dare I ask who you're here to see?"
She glanced to the cubicle on her right, noting the empty desk of Alice and Fabian and then glanced to the cubicle on her left, noting the empty desk of Frank. I was very intrigued. "Look, I don't know you very well, Sydny," she started slowly, "Actually I don't know you at all. And I feel very weird even coming down here to talk to you, but…"
I was now definitely intrigued. "But?" I urged curiously.
She fixed her stare on me and I saw fear in her eyes. Blatant fear. My heart skipped a beat, not sure what she could possibly say next. "Send James home."
I hesitated, confused. "What?"
"I have no idea what's running through his head and it's not like I think you do, but I don't think he's going to listen to anyone right now except for maybe you. So please send him home. I want my boyfriend back."
She was rambling and I saw the tip of her ears turn a light shade of pink. I knew she was embarrassed to be standing in front of me practically begging me to force her boyfriend out of the office and I could tell she was a little disheartened that she hadn't seen him in a long time (he's been staying later and later recently and my guess is that he hasn't returned home at a reasonable hour since the death of his brother and father). But I didn't see embarrassment or sorrow within her. I just saw the fear. And I knew why. She was afraid that she was losing James. More importantly, she was afraid that James was losing James. It's what I was afraid of as well. "I'll do what I can," I said awkwardly.
She nodded, a bit of relief washing over her. I'm sure she had been afraid I'd question her request, but I knew well enough not to. "That's all I ask," she murmured before whirling around to walk out.
"Lily!" I cried out after her as an after-thought.
She turned back around, forcing a smile on her face. "Yeah?"
"He's going to be okay."
A frown spread across her face and she slowly shook her head. "You don't know that."
She was right. I didn't know that. But the hesitant, cautious look on her face made me want to believe it. For her sake. "Give him time."
"How much time?" she blurted out.
I didn't have an answer to that so I chose to ignore what I hope was a rhetorical question. "I'm sorry," I said instead. "It can't be easy for you watching him like this."
She slowly walked back towards me, a curious glint in her eyes. "No," she admitted. "But I'm used to it." She cringed immediately. "Merlin, how horrible does that sound?"
"James loves you, Lily," I pointed out for lack of anything better to say.
She snorted, giving me a look. "I highly doubt he's discussing our love life with you, Sydny."
I shrugged. "No, but he doesn't have to discuss it with me for me to know how much that guy absolutely adores you. I'm pretty sure you're the only thing keeping him going these days."
"Well, then maybe he should try and spend a little more time with me." The words were out of her mouth quickly and she cringed, probably realizing how selfish that may have sounded.
"He will," I urged. "He's just going through some things right now."
"I've noticed," she said dryly. "Just send him home, will ya?"
I nodded, watching her walk away. I knew that Lily had to be overwhelmingly worried about James if she had sought me out. And I felt bad for her. Because even though I said that James would be okay and all he needed was time, I wasn't so sure he would ever be the same again. Death affected you in ways you never thought possible. And it wasn't just a single death James had to deal with. It was numerous deaths. He was watching his family fall apart and he wanted so desperately to stop the tragedies with very little idea how. Sometimes I wonder if it was easier losing my entire family in a single slash of a wand. Because even though it was painful to watch the person I deteriorated into, I eventually was able to pull myself out of the depression and the horror that had invaded my mind. And now, I really had nothing and no one to lose. I would never admit this to anyone, but it was a hell of a lot easier living your life when you only had yourself to worry about. James always retorted that I didn't have any friends but honestly, that's the way I liked it. I think he was worse off. Because it wasn't just his life he was fighting for; it was Lily's and his mother's and Sirius', Remus', Peter's, and his sister's, his brother's and Frank's, Alice's, Fabian's, and Kay Richard's, Lance Gilmore's, all the Gilmores'. He had people he cared about and he had people who cared about him. And as nice as that could sometimes be, I wouldn't trade my lonely life for his for anything.
"Remind me to kill Moody later."
I was startled from my thoughts by the sound of James' voice. I glanced up and couldn't help but snicker. One of his eyebrows was singed off and his entire body was covered in dust. "How did stealth training go?"
He shot me a look, pointing to his nonexistent right eyebrow. "How do you think?"
I reached for my wand. "C'mere," I said, grinning.
He looked at me hesitantly.
"I'm not going to remove the other one!" I argued.
He snorted. "I was more wondering if you knew how to make an eyebrow grow back. But now that you put that thought into my head, I think I'd prefer to live a few weeks with a single eyebrow."
"Potter," I whined. "I refuse to have a partner who looks like a fool." I hesitated. "Oh, too late. Now, will you get over here?"
He glared at me. "You're making it easier and easier to say no to you."
"If you don't come over here, I will curse off your other eyebrow."
"Easier and easier, Lafevre."
I couldn't help but laugh and was surprised when James joined in soon after. It was good to hear him laugh. He reluctantly headed towards me. "Keep still," I murmured, pointing my wand at his face and muttering a brief curse.
Before I could say anything, Fabian appeared at my side. "Didn't realize you enjoyed multicolored eyebrows, James."
"LAFEVRE!"
I ducked as James attempted to swing at me. "Fabian," I warned.
Fabian doubled over in laughter, shaking his head. "I was kidding, James!" he snickered. "I heard your whole interaction."
James hesitated, making himself cross-eyed by attempting to look up at his eyebrows as he brought his hand up to run over the new eyebrow. "If I find out you did any funny business, Lafevre," he muttered under his breath.
"Me? Never," I teased, thrusting my wand back into my pocket.
"Well, that provided me with enough entertainment for the day," Fabian said with a grin. "Nora has some new assignments for me and Alice so I'm going to head down to her office to talk to her. Please don't change the color of James' hair until I get back, Sydny."
I grinned. "Ooh, now there's an idea."
James swore, glaring at Fabian. "You're no longer my friend."
He shrugged, unfazed by the comment. "Eh, I've got plenty others," he joked before meandering back to Nora Gilmore's office.
James sunk into his chair, making a face. "If you so much as change a single hair on my head, don't think I won't curse you with a full-body binding spell. They were my specialty back at school."
I shrugged. "That was four years ago."
"And I used it on Sirius last month for stealing the last beer without replacing it."
I snickered. "How mature of you."
He merely shrugged, turning his back on me while he attempted to shake the dust from his clothes.
For the rest of the afternoon, we mostly worked in silence. He got up a few times to travel to the file room and I mostly worked on the training schedule for the recruits that Moody has assigned to me to compile. But my thoughts were barely on that schedule. The conversation I had with Lily kept popping into my head. I wanted to help her because I knew how she felt. The problem was, I had no idea how I was supposed to approach James about it.
It was nearing nine o'clock when I started packing up to leave. Not to my surprise, James was still hunched over his desk scrutinizing crime reports. Probably the same crime reports he had been scrutinizing over for days, the subject being the death of his brother and his father. "James, go home," I blurted out.
He jumped, probably forgetting that anyone else even existed. "I'm busy," he said hollowly.
I rolled my eyes. "If I had a knut for every time you said that, I'd never have to work again."
He merely shrugged.
I sighed, whirling around in my chair to face the back of his head. "James, when was the last time you left the office earlier than ten o'clock?"
"Why does it matter what time I leave?" he muttered.
I stood up and move around his chair, grabbing the crime report off his desk and out of his hands.
"Hey!"
"I know this may sound a tad hypocritical coming from me, but stop making work your entire life," I urged, giving him a stern look. "Unlike me, you actually have a life outside the Auror Department so maybe you should actually try and live it."
He rolled his eyes, trying to reach for the crime report and failing. "Don't tell me what to do, Lafevre," he grunted.
"I'm not," I was quick to argue. "I just don't want you to get so caught up in the tragedies in your life that you forget to appreciate the good in your life."
He frowned, his fists clenching. "Don't psychoanalyze me, Lafevre," he scowled. "You don't know a thing about my life, so don't you dare-"
"Have you not been paying attention?" I interrupted, shooting a him a look. "The one person's life I know more about than my own is yours!"
"You know facts," he snarled, shaking his head. "But you don't know me. You don't know what I'm thinking or feeling and you certainly don't know if what I'm doing is getting caught up in the ridiculousness that has become my life. You may know the whats but you don't know the whys. And I'd really appreciate it if you just backed off and let me do my work."
His eyes were cold. Vacant. His voice flat. Monotonous even. I haven't known him long, but the person I was looking at today was a completely different person than the person I had met almost six weeks earlier. It was as if the December chill brought a new chill to James Potter. I knew he just wanted me to hand him the crime report and let him continue self-destructing, but I've been in the position that he's been in before and I didn't want James to go down that path if he could avoid it. "Lily was here earlier," I found myself saying.
He glanced up at me, confused. "What? When?"
"I don't know. Around 1?"
He frowned. "She knew I was in training then."
"I know."
He hesitated. "Huh?"
I shrugged. "She misses you, James."
A glare appeared on his face. "Don't presume to tell me what the hell is going on in my girlfriend's head."
"It's not a presumption," I pointed out. "It's a fact."
Oh, he was angry that much was obvious. But of course he was. Who was I to talk to him about his girlfriend? I barely knew the girl. Hell, I barely knew the guy. Like Potter had mentioned, I might have known facts but other than that, James Potter was a complete mystery. "Don't you dare act like you know anything that's going on in my relationship, Lafevre," James sneered. "If you want to try and psychoanalyze me and speculate about my life, I can't stop you no matter how much I try. But don't mess with my relationship if you know what's good for you. You got that?"
"Damnit, James, she just wants you to come home to her once and a while!" I argued, ignoring his demands.
He grew silent, worry lines etching into his face between his eyebrows. "This isn't about you, Lafevre, so please just stay out of it."
"It became about me the moment Lily requested my help."
"I mean it, Lafevre: stay out of it," he repeated angrily, rushing out of his seat to head into the back kitchen.
I fell silent, watching him retreat to the kitchen area. I had a feeling he wasn't getting a cup of coffee but just needed to get away from me. Which I could understand. He was right; I should stay out of it. But it was hard when I saw so much of myself in James. He was burying himself in work to avoid dealing with any sort of emotions that have stemmed from the loss of so many people. If he was rummaging through old files, he didn't have to think about the night Wyatt disappeared. If he was running background checks on potential Death Eaters, he didn't have to focus on Brite or Wyatt or Jaron or his father's death. If he was pushing himself to his breaking point down in the training facilities, he didn't have to think about what his mother must be going through. If he was meeting with Ministry officials at other Ministries, he didn't have to blame himself for the tragedies in his life. If he was scheduling time with the recruits, he didn't have to fear the future. It was easy getting lost in your work. It was easy hiding from the real world. It wasn't so easy admitting that your world is falling apart and there was nothing you could do about it.
Reluctantly, I trudged to the kitchen. James was sitting at the small rectangular table off to the side. The kitchen was drab, very vacant. But as Aurors, we didn't spend too much time in there anyway. We ate lunch at our desks (if we had time to eat at all), so the only time we were ever in the kitchen was to grab a quick cup of coffee. "James," I said softly.
He groaned without glancing up at me. "Haven't you left yet?"
I leaned against the doorframe, crossing my arms guardedly. "Almost," I said. "But please let me just say one thing."
He rolled his eyes. "Merlin knows I won't be able to stop you."
I shrugged, letting the comment slide, before saying slowly, "You have friends, you have family, and you have Lily. You're lucky that you do. Because they're the ones who are going to get you through the hard times. So let them get you through the hard times. Because hiding from them, hiding from the real world, and hiding from yourself isn't going to change anything."
He locked eyes with me briefly where I noted such suffering before he turned away. "I'm not hiding," he said with what he must have thought was a firm tone but I just thought sounded sad.
"Of course you are. Because I'm pretty sure you're the only person who has ever sat in that chair, Potter," I said with a slight smile. "People don't exactly linger in this crappy kitchen."
"That's because I'm hiding from you," he snorted.
I shrugged. "Fine, hide from me. I'll allow that. But don't hide from-"
"I'm not hiding at all!" he argued, frustrated. "Hell, would I have asked Keegan to write a damned exposé on my family if I were hiding?"
Well, that was news to me. "What?"
He sighed. "I asked Keegan to write an exposé on the Potter family. It's about damned time the world learned the truth."
I glanced at him hesitantly, not sure how I felt about that idea. I gathered my thoughts before saying slowly, "You do realize that by writing a tell-all on the Potters, you're going to be revealing eight years of hard undercover work that Dumbledore, Moody, Wyatt, and I have done to protect not only your family but the entire wizarding world from Voldemort's scandalous plans, right?"
He merely shrugged. "Yep."
"Hm, okay. Just making sure you knew that."
He cracked a smile. "Shouldn't you be screaming at me right now to stop this ridiculous exposé from getting out?"
"I should," I agreed. "But I won't. Because I don't actually think it's a terrible idea."
I couldn't help but chuckle at the dumbfounded, awestruck look on his face. "Er…come again?"
I frowned. "Of course if you ever tell Moody or Dumbledore that I said that, I'd have to kill you myself."
He looked baffled and I was actually finding enjoyment out of it. "Can we go back to the part where you thought this exposé was a good idea?"
I sighed. "I don't know if 'good' is the right word, honestly. I just think maybe it's time."
"Elaborate please," he demanded.
I glanced down at the floor with a heavy sigh. A sigh of guilt and regret. Of fear and yet hope. I so desperately wanted everything to work out for James. Even though I had a pretty good feeling it never would. "I feel like we've exhausted so many of our options, if not all of them," I admitted in a small voice. "I don't know what else to do to help you and your family, James. So…so maybe the only option we have left is to come clean. Tell the world your story. Your family's story. What has hiding done except-" I stopped short.
"Except kill my brothers and my father," he finished. When I glanced up at him, I was surprised to see a sad smile on his face. "This story needs to be told. For them."
"And for you," I added.
He gazed at me curiously. "You don't think this story is just going to make things worse for me?"
"I don't know," I murmured with a shrug. "It might. It probably will. But at this rate-"
"How can things really get any worse?" he muttered.
We locked eyes and I saw understanding staring back at me. Because even though things could technically get worse—he still had so many people in his life he cared about—I knew that he felt like he had hit the bottom of the barrel. He was feeling lost. Out of control. Depressed even. He didn't know if he would ever be able to pick himself back up again but I'm not sure he could hit a lower point in his life than right now. He wasn't the same person I met a month earlier. Things had changed. He had changed. And I think he felt as if he would never be happy again. So could things get worse for him? I wasn't so sure.
"I'm going to get going," I eventually said. Yeah, I had a microwavable dinner and a glass of wine with my name on it at home so I was clearly in a real rush. "You should think about heading out, too."
He rolled his eyes, pushing himself off the chair with a stifled yawn. "I thought we moved on from that conversation," he muttered, a hint of a smile on his face.
"You should know by now I never give up."
"You're a pain in my arse, Lafevre," he sniggered, gliding past me and back to his desk.
"You're not exactly all puppies and rainbows yourself, Potter!" I cried out after him.
I simply received a chuckle in response.
++LILY++
A tear slid down my face. I glanced at the clock and noted that it was one o'clock in the morning. I hadn't gotten a minute of sleep that night. James still wasn't home. Which didn't mean much. That bed stayed pretty empty. He started coming home later and started leaving for work earlier. I rarely saw him. He skipped dinners and skipped Corner Joe's. He volunteered for Order missions and stopped hanging out with his friends. He became a loner. He became distant. He became someone I barely recognized.
I patted the empty spot in bed beside me, praying to whatever God was listening that James Potter would be alright. He needed to be alright. I couldn't watch him be in any more pain. I couldn't watch him crumble in front of my very eyes. I knew that he was strong, like Dumbledore had mentioned the night of the reception. But one can only stay so strong for so long until he fell apart. I was beginning to feel as if James was slowly starting to fall apart. And I wanted to be there for him, to help put himself back together.
Except he wouldn't let me.
I crawled out of bed and threw on one of James' oversized sweatshirts. My initial instinct was to head out to the backyard, to one of the Adirondack chairs. Every time James needed to clear his head or needed some time to think, he was down in one of those chairs. So I thought maybe it would do me some good. But when I got down there, another idea popped into my head that took over. I found myself apparating to Sirius and Remus' flat.
I tapped lightly, praying that they were light sleepers. Or that they weren't even asleep yet. Glancing at my watch and noting that it was after one o'clock in the morning, I thought that that last hope was probably wishful thinking.
Sirius answered the door, stifling a yawn. "Lily-bean?" he murmured, wiping his eyes. "What the hell are you doing here?" His eyes widened suddenly, now wide awake. "Oh, no, tell me James is okay."
I hesitated, shrugging. "I wish I can say for certain that he was but he's not home yet."
"Where is he?"
"Still at work probably," I murmured.
He narrowed his eyes, confused. "At one in the morning?"
"I don't know," I said hastily. "I just know he's not home."
He looked puzzled. "Lily-bean, what's going on?"
Tears filled my eyes and before I could stop them, they were streaming down my face. "I'm losing him, Sirius," I whispered, my voice hoarse and disheartened. "And I don't know how to get him back."
He looked shock for all of a second before reaching out to wrap his arms tightly around my shoulders, pulling me close to him.
"Lily?"
I picked my head up from Sirius' chest and saw Remus standing behind him.
"What's wrong?" he asked shakily, his face going white.
I shook my head. "Nothing," I said, my voice wavering. "It's nothing. Everyone's fine. Everything…" I trailed off.
He frowned. "Everything isn't fine," he said softly.
I barely made out Remus' face as the tears blurred my vision. I shook my head. "No," I whispered. "No, everything isn't fine."
"Is this something tequila might help?" Sirius asked softly.
No. "Can't hurt to try," I muttered, swiftly wandering into their apartment. I noted the worried glances shared between Sirius and Remus but chose to ignore them.
Sirius barged over to their liquor cabinet and drew out the tequila, summoning a few glasses from the kitchen into the living room. He poured a shot and handed it to me. "Drink."
I knew that it absolutely wouldn't do any good, but I was okay with taking the Sirius approach and drinking my problems away. "I do have work tomorrow, y'know," I said with a sad smile. It was my lame attempt at a joke. But that didn't stop me from downing the shot anyway. The burn of tequila down my throat felt surprisingly comforting.
"Eh, go in late," Sirius suggested with a shrug. "Live on the edge once and a while."
I can't live on the edge. Because if I did, there would be a good chance I'd teeter straight off said ledge into a black hole. "Pour me another," I murmured. "And please don't make me drink alone. That would be pathetic."
Remus frowned, worry lines etched into his forehead. "Lily," he said softly. "What's going on?"
I sighed, my grip growing tighter around the shot glass as Sirius poured me another. He poured himself one, too, and we drank it together. "I don't know what to do anymore," I said vaguely. "James is…" I trailed off. "He's slipping away from me and I just don't know what to do or say to make things any better. It's like everything I say or do nowadays is wrong."
"You might feel like he's slipping away, Lily-bean, but he's not," Sirius argued, shaking his head. "He's just falling into his usual habit of-"
"No, it's different," I murmured. "And maybe I haven't had a chance to notice it in the past because I never used to live with him, but he feels like a completely different person now. A person I don't know. He barely speaks to me when he's home and when he does, it's like he doesn't want to be speaking to me. Even on the weekends, he finds every excuse in the book not to be around me. It feels like he doesn't want to be with me. Which I know to you might sound ridiculous, but you're not around us all the time."
"It does sound ridiculous," Remus jumped in, shooting me a sympathetic look. "Because that guy adores you. And right now maybe he just doesn't know how to show it or how to deal with it because he's going through so much, but that doesn't change-"
"I know what he's going through," I retaliated coolly. "I've been there, remember? And when Jaron died, he needed me. He showed me that he needed me. He might have become withdrawn, but he still wanted to be with me. He still talked to me. He still came to Friday night dinners and Sunday morning brunch and he trekked to Blarney's with us and even though he was hurting, he still showed that he needed me. That he needed all of us. Now? He's…"
"Scared?" said Sirius. "Just like Rouge suggested. He's afraid of losing anyone else."
"He can't live his life in fear," I murmured pleadingly.
"Then tell him that," Remus suggested with a shrug.
"He doesn't want to listen to me," I said painfully, shaking my head. "And I don't know how to make him listen."
"You can't make him do anything," Sirius pointed out, knowing all too well. "You've just got to give him time."
I frowned. "That's what Sydny said," I muttered irritably.
Sirius and Remus exchanged a confused glance. "You talked to Sydny?" Remus eventually asked.
I shrugged. "Sadly, yes. She's the only one he ever spends any time with nowadays so I didn't really have a lot of other options."
Remus gazed at me, his eyes full of regret and anguish. I could tell he was at a loss for words, but there was such sadness on his face that I wondered if he understood how I truly felt. I met his gaze and neither one of us were able to tear our eyes away. Eventually, he spoke. "You really do feel lost, don't you." His words were soft and vacant.
I turned away from the scrutinizing gaze, biting my bottom lip hard to stop the tears from flowing. "I just want to help him," I whispered, shaking my head. "Problem is, I don't know how to anymore."
"You guys will figure it out," Sirius said quickly. "You always do."
I wasn't entirely convinced. "What if he doesn't want to figure it out?" I dared to ask.
"What do you mean?"
I frowned, biting on the inside of my lip hesitantly. "I just mean, what if…" I trailed off, not able to even admit out loud that there was always a possibility of James not wanting or needing me anymore.
"Oh, don't you dare go there, Lily-bean," Sirius quickly argued, shooting me a glare as he got up from the couch and headed into the kitchen. My guess was he was going to go looking for a bag of potato chips. "He might be a little out of his element right now, but he is madly in love with you and that won't change. The guy wouldn't have bought you a diamond ring if he didn't want to be with you."
I froze and I felt Remus stiffen beside me. "Er…what did you say?"
Sirius froze in the kitchen doorway, realizing too late his mistake. He slowly turned around. "Er…I-I said…uh…well…diamond earring," he emphasized hesitantly. "Why, what did you hear?"
I narrowed my eyes at him. "He bought me a diamond earring?" I snorted. "As in one earring? Singular?"
"Well, he didn't want to buy you the other until he was certain you loved it."
"Sirius!" I barked.
"What? They're expensive!"
"Sirius!"
"How about we just forget I said anything. Who wants some day old macaroni and cheese?" he muttered, shuffling into the kitchen.
"Sirius!" I shouted.
A loud sigh was heard from the kitchen and he reappeared shortly after. Panic emanated from his eyes as he turned to glance at Remus. "Lupin, a little help here?" he begged.
"Oh, no, you dug yourself that grave. I ain't lying in it with you."
I turned to glare at him. "Please tell me you didn't know about this engagement ring, Remus."
"Technically, he said diamond ring. The word 'engagement' was never used."
I smacked him with a pillow. Hard.
"OW! Jeez, woman, it was a joke. You would have thought we said he was breaking up with you the way you're carrying on," he groaned.
I shot him a look. "James Potter admitted to me about a month ago that he wasn't so sure he'd ever want to get married, so I'm sorry if I'm coming off a tad shocked and crazy now that you're telling me he bought a diamond ring," I said haughtily, shrugging my shoulders very brusquely. I narrowed my eyes hesitantly. "Unless it's not for me."
"Okay, now you're acting crazy," Sirius snorted. He disappeared into the kitchen and reappeared momentarily with a box of Oreos and a bag of green grapes.
My thoughts were sidetracked by the food item in his right hand. "Grapes?" I asked curiously. "You do know those are healthy, right?"
"Remus bought them," Sirius was quick to argue. "I just thought you might want some."
"He's trying to get rid of them," Remus explained, rolling his eyes. "He doesn't want people to know we actually eat healthy once and a while."
"There's no 'we' in healthy, Moony," Sirius scowled, tossing Remus the grapes.
Remus chucked a grape at him.
"Hand me the Oreos," I murmured.
He hesitated. "You sure you don't want grapes?"
I glared at him. "Oreos go better with tequila," I argued, even though I was certain that couldn't be true. "Now, when did James buy this ring?"
"Damn, I thought we moved off that subject," Sirius muttered, handing me the box of Oreos.
"I'm not likely to forget my boyfriend buying me an engagement ring."
"Can you try at least?" Sirius pleaded with a hopeful look on his face. "Because if you don't and James finds out I told you, I will be dead. Literally. He will Avada Kedavra my ass, chop me into tiny little ring-sized pieces and scatter my disassembled body parts into the ocean. Do you want that?"
"If you don't start answering my questions, then I wouldn't be opposed."
Sirius scowled. "And after I gave you my Oreos."
"Which are mighty tasty by the way," I said with a shrug. "Now start talking, Black."
He exchanged a look with Remus who was clearly enjoying watching Sirius squirm. I had a feeling Remus was glad it wasn't him who spilled the beans, but he wasn't off the hook either.
Remus finally chimed in when it was obvious Sirius was at a loss for words (for the first time in his life probably). "Lily, James loves you. He wants to be with you for the rest of his life. He is going to ask you to marry him when the time is right. Do you really need any more answers than that?"
Yes.
"Why would we want to spoil the surprise by giving you all of the information?" he continued.
"The surprise is already ruined," I pointed out dryly.
"He still has to ask you."
True. I stuffed myself with another Oreo, my heart beating a mile a minute at the thought of marrying James. I couldn't help but get a bit excited over it. For so long, I wondered what the future held for me and James. For so long, I wondered what was running through James' head in term of our relationship. For so long, I wondered if he was ever going to ask me to marry him or if we were destined to just be boyfriend and girlfriend. And now, I could stop wondering. I knew he was serious about me and about our relationship and with everything that's happened to him, I was so relieved and so grateful. I needed him in my life. It was nice knowing that he needed me.
I wondered briefly if this might explain why James had been acting so distant and jumpy lately. Maybe he was nervous? Or scared? Or excited? Marriage is a big step so I wouldn't be surprised if he was worried about popping the question.
Or maybe I was just hoping that this was why he was acting so subdued. Because then I didn't have to wonder if it was something else. Something worse.
"I guess I should head home," I murmured, tossing the Oreos back to Sirius.
"And what makes you say that? The fact that you just ate half the bag of Oreos or the fact that it's nearly two in the morning?" Sirius scowled.
I grinned. "Thanks for the Oreos."
++KEEGAN++
Just like James had suggested, Malone was practically drooling over the idea of me doing an exposé on the Potter family. He, like anyone else who read the paper, was unquestionably intrigued by all of the unfortunate publicity they have earned for the deterioration of their family. He kept asking me if he needed Hans or Stevens or Cuffe to help me out with my research or interviews. It was his own little way of telling me he didn't think I could handle such a big project. But I was no way in hell letting anyone else help me. I had a tie to James Potter that no one else did so I was going to get the job done and I was going to get it done well.
Most of my time was spent poring over old case files and scheduling interviews with his family and his family's friends. I've neglected to talk to any of James' friends or girlfriend for a very obvious reason: I wasn't so sure I was ready to hear their take on James' life. Oh, and I didn't really fancy getting chewed out by any of them again. Remus' words certainly shocked me; he had always been the quiet mediator of the group. Conflict was never his thing. So his words shocked me. But it told me a lot. It told me that Remus was frightened for his friend and didn't want there to be any more reason for James Potter to be targeted. It was what I was afraid of in writing this exposé. But if James wanted his story told, I was going to make sure it happened with all the integrity in the world. Even with all the surprises I've found along the way.
I hadn't yet told Malone that Wyatt Potter had been a Death Eater. Well, a spy within the Death Eaters. I could imagine the field day he'd have when he found out. To him, the Potters were merely a good story with juicy gossip. To me, they were real people going through a lot of heartbreak. And I didn't want to expose any of that heartbreak to a man without a heart. I also chose not to tell him that noneother than the Slaughterhouse Syd who had recently been transferred to the British Auror Department had made her name known in the wizarding world by taking the secrets Wyatt knew and hunting Death Eaters down with it. I'm pretty sure the headlines of our next edition would be writing themselves.
There was a knock on my door and I jumped, forgetting that I was in my office (my small interior office that was probably once upon a time a utility closet) and not perusing my notes on my dining room table. I glanced up from my notes, expecting Malone to be standing there to ask me for a third time that morning how the research was coming. Imagine my surprise when I realized it was James' coworker.
"Er…Sydny, right?" I questioned, a curious glint in my eye.
She nodded. "May I come in?"
I shrugged and gestured her into my office. I couldn't figure out why she would be there but I knew it must have something to do with James.
"I know you're probably wondering why I'm here."
I slowly put down my quill and leaned back in my chair curiously. "You could say that."
She cracked a sad smile, putting a shoebox on my desk.
"If those are a size 7 Manolo Blahniks, you're my new best friend."
She laughed. "Alas, no."
She didn't explain what was in the box, but her eyes were fixed on the box the entire time.
"Sydny?"
"You're writing an exposé on the Potters, are you not?"
That threw me for a loop. "Yeah," I said hesitantly. "What's it to you?"
"You have to promise me you won't show James what's in the box until your exposé is finished. You have to promise you won't tell him about it or mention it. You have to promise me to keep it a secret until the time is right. Can you do that?"
I was getting increasingly curious. "What's in the box?"
"Promise me."
I've met this girl once, briefly for a matter of minutes, and she was practically begging at my feet. To say I wasn't a little bit suspect would have been a lie. "It's nothing illegal, is it?" I had to ask.
She shook her head. "No, just…private," she murmured hesitantly. She met my gaze. "Keegan, please just promise me you won't tell him I was here."
I saw desperation in her eyes and I found myself nodding. "Okay," I said against my better judgment. "I promise."
"Thank you," she said breathlessly. And before I knew what was happening, she was swooping out of her seat and out the door before I could say another word.
I was in a state of shock and confusion for a mere few seconds before I scrambled to open the shoebox. A bunch of sealed up letters popped up. They weren't signed but considering the contents of each letter were about Voldemort, the Death Eaters, and their many plans to kill, I could only assume those letters were all written from one person.
Wyatt Potter.
A/N: Whooaaa long chapter! So I hope you enjoyed it. Some more of Keegan & Sydny so I hoped you enjoyed that - they are 2 of my favorite new characters so you'll be seeing a lot of them. And while tension arises between James and Lily, she finds out that there is a ring on the table! More to come on that. I think this is a good chapter in showing the reason behind why I had decided to do the first-person narration in terms of James and Lily. They are so madly in love with each other and yet James is letting his overwhelming fear run his brain while Lily is letting anxious paranoia run hers. Question is - whose will prevail? Guess you'll have to continue reading to find out! ...or just know that in the end James and Lily get married. But that's just cheating. ;-)