Goodbyes On The Balcony

by ByeByeBirdie

3 years after Hogwarts, James and Lily are back with old and new friends by their side. Their lives are motivated by fear, their world surrounded by immense danger. As they each fight for their lives and for their loved ones in a world centered around Voldemort, the struggle to survive the war against him is nothing compared to the struggle to survive the wars within themselves.

20. Of Inventory, Pancakes, & Aprons

A/N: Yay, another chapter! It's a long one so I hope you enjoy it. Nothing else to say here!

Disclaimer: Ohhh if only I was J.K. Rowling. Sadly, I am not.

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Goodbyes on the Balcony

By ByeByeBirdie

Chapter 20: Of Inventory, Pancakes, & Aprons

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++DEZZY++

I didn't bother knocking on the large wooden door or ringing the doorbell at Potter Manor. I had lived there once upon a time so barging in felt natural. "JAMES!" I screamed at the top of my lungs when I entered the foyer. I knew screaming wasn't going to do anything, but it always entertained me to try. "JAMES!"

Naturally, I found him sitting in the study poring over some sort of report. Does this guy ever sleep? It was a Saturday for Merlin's sake. "Knock, knock," I said while entering.

He glanced up at me. "Y'know, you could actually knock instead of just saying it."

"Eh, I'm more for invading one's privacy," I teased, slipping into one of the chairs in front of the desk.

"Yeah, I got that the day you blabbed to Mom that I was in love with a redhead when you were only ten-years-old."

I grinned, remembering the day I was spying on my older brother from our shared bathroom and heard him talking to Sirius about some girl's pretty red hair. "Hey, it worked out for you in the end, did it not?"

"With Lily maybe," he snorted. "Not so much with Mom. She grilled me for weeks wanting to know all the details."

"To which Sirius finally informed her that that redhead hated your guts."

He met my gaze and I saw a hint of nostalgia staring back at me, a smile creeping on to his face. "Those were the days," he said softly.

I had a feeling it was Brite, Jaron, Wyatt, and Dad he was thinking about in that moment.

"So whatcha doing here, little sis?" he asked.

"What, a sister can't visit her brother on a Saturday afternoon?"

He snorted. "Considering your Saturday afternoons are usually spent helping that husband of yours do inventory in the back rooms of the bookstore, a brother is going to be a little suspicious."

I chuckled. "Oh, we do more than inventory."

James made a face. "Somehow, I didn't need to hear that."

I couldn't help but laugh. Even though Drew and I are now married, James was still trying to convince himself that Drew and I have never had sex. And I use every opportunity to let him know he was in way too much denial. "Drew was the one who sent me over here actually," I said, changing the subject.

"What? Why?"

"Because Nora is putting together a shopping list for Christmas Eve dinner and wants to get a head count of who's coming."

He stiffened slightly before rolling his eyes. "She does realize that Christmas Eve is over two weeks away, right?"

"Yeah, apparently she freaked out this morning that fifteen days were not enough days to plan an elegant Christmas Eve gathering."

He made a face. Needless to say, Nora Gilmore was not exactly one of James' favorite people. "Imagine how she'd feel if she were in our mother's shoes planning an event for nearly one thousand guests."

Ah, yes. The infamous New Year's Eve Auror's Ball. Even after Dad had left, Mom had continued with the tradition of holding the Ball in the Potter Manor ballroom. This year was no different even with everything that's unfortunately happened to our family recently. "You know Nora. Any dinner that includes her mother has to be perfect, down to the table settings. She's driving Drew up a wall with her millions of questions. Hence, why I'm here."

"Because Drew can't deal with her heckling anymore so he sends his newlywed wife to do his dirty work for him?"

"Precisely."

He cracked a smile. "What do you need from me?"

"Head count," I reiterated.

"Why are you asking me that?" he asked curiously. "How should I know?"

"Because Drew's brothers would be decapitated by their own mother and grandmother if they didn't show up to the annual Christmas Eve dinner. It's the one time they all ever get together anymore," I urged, giving my brother a look. "So the only guests up in the air are your friends."

I saw his eyes flicker to the file in front of him. "Not all," he muttered.

"What?"

He pursed his lips. "You said it's the one time they 'all' ever get together anymore," he grunted, shaking his head. "But that's a lie."

I frowned, not sure what to say. Of course I knew he was alluding to Riley, but I wasn't sure exactly what response he expected from me. Thankfully, I didn't have to say anything because he changed the subject.

"I'll mention Christmas Eve dinner to Lily and the guys," James interrupted, a sigh escaping from his mouth. "I'm sure you can count them in. The only person you might have to put in the no pile is me."

Well, that threw me for a loop. "What? What do you mean 'no?'"

"Someone's got to be on call at the Auror Department at all times, even on Christmas Eve. This year, that someone is me."

I glared at him. "You do realize that Nora Gilmore is the Chief of Operations in the Auror Department, right? She can find someone else to replace you on Christmas Eve. She's not going to let you skive our traditional Christmas Eve dinner to sit around the office and twiddle your thumbs by yourself."

His jaw tightened, his gaze falling back on to the folder on his desk. "So you're willing to let some other poor bloke sit around the office and twiddle their thumbs, taking time away from their family just because you want me to share a meal with people I already pretty much spend my time with for the remaining 364 days of the year?"

Something was up with James, that much was obvious. It wasn't like him to miss out on any sort of family reunion. We all knew how important those family reunions were, especially now. I reminded him of that. "Have those other poor blokes you mention lost three brothers and a father?"

He shot me a look. "You're now trying to guilt me into coming to dinner?"

"I've never had to guilt you before, James," I snapped.

Irritation flickered in his eyes. "You think I want to work on Christmas Eve, Dez? I don't. But I am. Deal with it."

I clenched my fists so as not to lunge across the desk and smack the shit out of him. "How about you first deal with whatever the hell it is that's going on in your head because I hate to break it to you, it's affecting all of us." I rushed out of the seat and headed towards the door.

"For Merlin's sake, there's no need to be dramatic," he scoffed.

I halted at the door, whirling around. "I'm not being dramatic, James," I snarled. "I'm being honest. Something you're not doing."

"I am so tired of everyone trying to tell me what I'm thinking or feeling," he scowled, leaning back in his chair defensively. "Maybe that's why I'm avoiding dinner."

I hesitated. "So you are avoiding dinner?"

He rolled his eyes. "It was a joke," he said dryly.

I was pretty sure it wasn't. "Was it?"

He picked up his quill and leaned over the file folder on his desk, giving me a gentle dismissive nod. "You can leave now."

I didn't oblige, my eyes fixed on him as he sat over that report on his desk. My heart skipped a beat as I realized he looked so much like Dad. I could remember the many times I would sneak into that very same study as a little girl and catch Dad with his crinkled eyebrows and the tip of the quill perched on his lips. I didn't want James to end up like Dad, so consumed by catching Death Eaters that he didn't know how to appreciate those he loved. James deserved a better life than our Dad ended up living. "James," I said softly. "I don't know what's going on with you, but I do know that the guy I know wouldn't blow off dinner with all the people he loves and cares about. So please don't let what's going on in the world and in our own family change the James we know. We need you and I know you need us, too."

Before he could even attempt to argue, I was out the door.

---

++SIRIUS++

It was Friday Night Dinner and I just really prayed it wasn't nearly as awkward as the last trip to Corner Joe's. But once again, we were all sitting around the table at The Lebanese Tavern. Some of us were there because we had nothing better to do, but I think most of us were there because we hadn't seen James in nearly three weeks and were worried about him. Lily had told us he was definitely coming (my guess is she threatened him with no sex if he didn't show up) so we decided to all show up.

And yet, he wasn't there.

"I was supposed to have a date tonight," I muttered, perusing the beer list. "Evans, where the hell is this boyfriend of yours?"

She shot me a glare. "He'll be here. I think you can wait until tomorrow to date whatever call girl it is you found on the wrong side of the tracks."

"Hey, that's not fair," I argued with a sly grin. "I haven't dated a call girl in years."

"Why am I not surprised?" Keegan whined, shaking her head in disbelief.

I rolled my eyes. "Who's ready to order some alcohol?"

I wasn't surprised when everyone responded with a resounding 'Me!'

Once we ordered a round of drinks, Lance turned back to Lily. "So any idea where that beau of yours might be, Miss Evans?"

She frowned, burying her nose in the menu. "He'll be here," she repeated, although this time she sounded slightly unconvinced.

I shared a glance with Remus. Seeing as we were his best friends, we'd often see him more than anyone else in the gang. Except I haven't seen him since his brother and father's funeral reception. Every time I tried to drop into Potter Manor, he wouldn't be there. Every time I tried to stop into his office, he was off in the training facilities or with Moody. I knew he was hiding something. I just wasn't so sure what.

Speak of the devil, James finally swooped in. "Hey, sorry I'm late, guys. I was-"

"At work," we all chorused together.

James didn't look amused as he slid into the empty seat beside me. "Please tell me someone ordered me a beer."

"We weren't sure you'd show up," I pointed out with an apologetic shrug.

"Lily threatened to kick me out of my own house and sell the Manor to the Lestranges if I didn't show up tonight," James explained, making a face. "And I was about 99% sure she wasn't lying."

"How would you get in touch with the Lestranges?" Remus snorted, glancing over at Lily.

"I'm in the international trading industry. I can snap my fingers and get information from anyone anywhere about anyone anywhere," she said with a cheeky grin. She winked at Remus playfully. "Word of advice: don't ever mess with me, Lupin. I have ways of making people pay."

"Well, I know now to never get on your bad side," he murmured with a snicker, burying his head into his menu.

Lily grinned, glancing around the table. "Anyone else want a piece of me?"

Silence followed with a lot of awkward glances. "So, who's ready to order?" Drew said with a chuckle, earning a laugh from all of us. I noticed that James didn't laugh.

"Speaking of food," James spoke, glancing slightly over at his sister. "Are you all in for Christmas Eve dinner at the Gilmores?"

Dezzy glared at him. "I told you about this Saturday and you're bringing it up six days later?"

James shrugged his usual standoffish shrug. "I've been busy."

"Shocker," Lily muttered, cringing when she probably realized how dry she sounded.

James' eyes flickered over her way before returning to his sister's. "I'm asking now, aren't I?" he continued. "So who's in?"

"Well, I think you know that you can count me in," Kay chimed in, smiling at Lance.

Lance made a face. "As much as I'd like to get out of a night with Gran grilling me out the bookstore, she would personally behead me if I opted out."

"Yeah, I figured you two were a guarantee," Dezzy snickered. "I was more wondering about the others."

We all glanced around at each other. We've been going to the Gilmores for Christmas Eve dinner for the past three Christmases but there was always a slight hesitance. Nora Gilmore was always more than happy to entertain our gang, but I think I don't only speak for myself when I say the dinners were still a tad awkward. I had never hung out at the Gilmores much even when I was staying at James' and now entering their large estate, I was only ever reminded of the daughter that had left me behind without a goodbye. It couldn't have been easy for James to show up there; he had grown up being Riley's best friend and vice versa. He had spent plenty of time at the Gilmores and now when he was there with the Gilmore family, I couldn't imagine him being able to ignore the empty gaping hole that should have been filled by Riley Gilmore. Maybe I was thinking too much into it and maybe I was being a tad dramatic, but one can't always help how they feel.

Remus' words broke me from my concentration. "Yeah, I'll be there," he muttered with a shrug. "It's not like I have any other option unless I wanted to spend the evening alone which I don't fancy doing."

Silence filled the table, which was a huge feat for all of us.

"Aw, jeez, that wasn't meant to be depressing. Just telling it straight," Remus clarified, rolling his eyes. He changed the subject. "Peter, you in?"

He made a face, hesitating slightly. "Nah, my father's insisting on having a proper Christmas this year. Apparently that means I have to spend it with family."

"Don't you spend enough time with them at the pub?" I snorted, knowing that Peter would rather spend his time with anyone besides his crazed family members.

"You would think."

"Is Grant going to be there?" I asked curiously.

Drew nodded. "Yeah, he's back in town. And he's showing up with his new flavor of the week apparently. Tanya something? Sonya? Anya? Kenya?"

"Something ending in –ya," Dezzy chimed in with a snicker. "If she even lasts another week."

"You going, Sirius?" Remus asked.

I snickered. "Of course. I look forward to it every year if not for the sole reason except the glares I get from the high and almighty Granny Gilmore."

"You do realize that Gran's surname isn't actually Gilmore, right?" Lance snickered.

"Granny Gilmore has a nice ring to it," I argued with a grin.

"As will your eye if that woman could do what she really wants to do to you."

"A woman who wants to punch you? That's nothing new," Keegan teased. "Not that I blame her."

I rolled my eyes. I had absolutely no idea where she and I stood so I felt like I was constantly on edge around her. "Oh, yes, I'm pretty sure that the woman hates me more than Voldemort."

"Why? Again, not that I blame her. But I highly doubt she hates you because you're a chauvinistic womanizing pig."

"Hah!" Kay blurted out with a laugh. "If only she knew."

Keegan clearly looked confused, but I tried steering the conversation away from where I knew Kay was headed. "Gran prides herself on the prestigious Gilmore name and her societal status," I started slowly. "So having someone from the Black family, a family in which stands against everything that Gran believe in, not only hanging out with her…um…sons but hanging out in her house, is pretty much the worst thing that could possibly happen to her."

I wasn't surprised when Keegan burst into laughter. "Why am I not surprised that even the elderly females hate your guts?"

"She doesn't hate my guts," I argued. "She just…well, she's not exactly…you could say that perhaps…"

"The words you are looking for are 'she hates your guts,'" Lily teased, elbowing me in the ribs.

I grinned. "I am rather hateable."

"And you sound so proud of that fact," Keegan chuckled, an amused grin on her face. "So I've got to ask, if the woman hates you as much as it sounds like, exactly why does she allow you to spend the holidays with her?"

"Eh, you can thank my mother for that," Dezzy chimed in, shaking her head. "She told Drew's grandmother that she would be uninvited from the Auror New Year's Eve Ball if she so as much said one bad word to Sirius."

"Gran never approved of Sirius moving in with us," James chimed in with a shrug.

"Gran never approved of Sirius, period," Drew sniggered, shaking his head in disbelief.

I grinned. "I love being the rebel in the Gilmore clan."

"You're not the only rebel," Drew reminded me, sharing a look with Lance. "We're the Gilmores who work in a bookstore."

"A successful bookstore," Kay argued with a hopeful smile.

"Hah, like that matters," Lance snorted. "If you're not an Auror with a wife, you're not good enough in Gran's eyes."

"Well, you got one part right," Kay said, squeezing his hand.

"And at least you're still around," Dezzy muttered to Lance, finding a sudden comfort in her wine. "You certainly got that part right."

I stiffened, my eyes migrating towards the tablecloth. I ignored the curious gaze from Keegan who thankfully didn't question Dezzy's statement.

Remus grinned, always the one to ease the tension. "Could you imagine what Gran would think if she ever found out Sirius here dated her only granddaughter? That woman would surpass glaring at you and go straight into hexing you into an oblivion."

Laughter filled the table, as forced as it seemed. "I'm impressed that three drunken Christmas Eves and New Year's Eves haven't accidentally divulged that information," Dezzy admitted with a chuckle.

"I'm thankful," I was quickly to correct. "I don't rightly think I'd enjoy being hexed into an oblivion." Not to mention the fact that I had no desire to mention Riley Gilmore in the presence of anyone related to the Gilmore family. It was better to steer clear of that topic of conversation.

"Wait," Keegan interrupted, confusion spreading across her face. "What granddaughter are you talking about? I was under the impression the Gilmore children were entirely male," she said with a hearty laugh.

And there was that awkward silence once again.

I sighed and, uncertain why I was so willing to provide information about Riley to a girl who I recently went head to head with about her, murmured, "Her granddaughter was Riley."

She froze slightly, glancing over at me slowly. "As in…"

I met her gaze. "As in Riley," I muttered. I was suddenly very aware of the nine pairs of eyes staring at me.

"Oh" was all she said.

Silence once again.

Awkward.

"So who's ready to order?" I interjected with a chuckle. A slightly awkward chuckle, but it was a chuckle nevertheless. And I was grateful when James and Remus followed in my footsteps and laughed. And suddenly, we were all laughing. It felt good to laugh. It felt good to not be controlled by Riley's actions. Once upon a time, I couldn't even think about Riley without feeling immense anger welling up inside of me. Now, I felt nothing. Because to me, she was nothing.

"I still need a beer!" James whined.

"I'm ready for a refill," Lily agreed.

"Another round of drinks for everyone?" Drew suggested.

I nodded. "Where is our waitr-"

"Whoa, wait a minute. As in Riley Gilmore?" Keegan interrupted out of the blue.

Now all eyes were on her, confused by the return of the prior subject. "Yeah," Lance finally spoke, his voice a little on edge. "She was…well, is my sister."

"No, was is the correct verb tense," James snapped, rolling his eyes.

I barely heard what either Lance or James had to say. I was focused on the slightly panicked glint in Keegan's eye. "Why?" I urged, narrowing my eyes. "Do you know her?"

She quickly shook her head. A little too quickly. "Only in the strictest sense of the word," she argued hastily. "She's…she's a writer, right? I've read some of her stuff."

"You read Australian newspapers?" I objected.

"I read every newspaper."

I could have interrogated her more, but I really just wanted to change the subject. I didn't want to be discussing Riley Gilmore at all, especially not with Keegan. I sighed, turning towards Lily.

"I'm assuming you'll be at the Gilmores on Christmas Eve, Lily-bean?" I asked.

She smiled, lifting her eyes from the menu in front of her. "Of course," she agreed, stealing a glance towards her boyfriend. "Anywhere James is going to be, I'm going to be."

Dezzy snorted while James suddenly became very interested in the wine list, frowning.

It was obvious those two were hiding something. Lily noticed it, too. "What?" she asked.

A scowl appeared on Dezzy's face. "Tell her, James."

"Tell me what?"

Yeah, tell her what?

All eyes were now on James. He shrugged curtly, not bothering to glance up from the wine list. "I'm…erm…well, I won't be at Christmas Eve dinner."

The glimmer of excitement in Lily's eyes dulled quickly. "What is that supposed to mean?"

James sighed. "I have to work on Christmas Eve."

"Have to?" I practically blurted out, earning a look from James.

"Yes, Sirius, have to."

Silence filled the table, an awkward silence as they all tried to come up with the right thing to say.

"You work more than anyone in the entire Auror Department, going in early and staying late. Working on weekends, going on more missions than anyone. When you're not doing paperwork, you're in the training facilities. When you're not in training, you're educating the new recruits. And you can't take off one night?" Lily asked, her voice strained. I could tell by the frown on her face she was trying desperately not to lose her cool.

James sighed. "Someone has to be on site and on call. Unfortunately, that someone is me."

Drew chimed in. "So I'll ask my mom to assign someone-"

"So that someone else misses out with their family? I don't think so," James grumbled. "Now where is that waitress? I need a drink."

"Oh, big shocker, James is avoiding an uncomfortable confrontation," I muttered, shooting my best friend a look.

James glared at me. "Hah, like I'm the only one?" he snorted.

He had a point.

"It just seems like often you've been hiding behind work a bit, James," Remus said cautiously, his voice soft and filled with concern.

James' expression grew rigid, his fingers tightening around the wine list in his hand. "I'm not having this discussion right now," he growled, his eyes skimming the reds.

"Right," Lily murmured. "As if you'll have this conversation later."

He slammed the menu down on to the table. "That's it. I'm okay with letting the Lestranges buy my Manor," he snapped, jumping out of his chair and slamming it into the table.

Lily pushed her own chair back, grabbing his arm. "No, please don't go," she pleaded desperately. "We're sorry. We just…we're just worried about you, James, that's all."

"I don't need you to worry about me."

"Maybe not, but this isn't about you. It's about us," she argued, getting up off her chair and putting her free hand in his. "We care about you, James. And we know that you've unfortunately been through a lot. Especially recently. So as your friends, we have the right to be worried about you."

"Do I have the right to hate it?" he muttered, a hint of a smile on his face.

She let out a sigh of relief, as did I, and smiled back up at him. "Of course," she said, giving him a brief kiss before dragging him back to the table. "Now are you thinking red wine or white?"

"Firewhisky."

We all laughed, recognizing the humorous smile on his face. If he was joking, then maybe things wouldn't be so bad after all. It was obvious that there was still a lot of hesitance in his eyes, but I could tell he was trying to just enjoy living in the moment. For the rest of the evening, he let out the occasional joke and laughed along with the rest of us. He entertained us with stories from the office and poked fun at his sister when she claimed she wanted to try making eggnog from scratch for Christmas Eve. He compared living with Lily versus living with myself and Remus, finding himself with a fully stocked refrigerator and a rather clean Manor, and chimed in with Keegan when she started poking fun at all the little quirks Lily had as a roommate, much to Lily's displeasure. It felt like old times and James acted like the old James, not letting life's unfortunate incidents affect the way he lived.

I just hoped it would last.

---

++SYDNY++

"It's your last chance, James, to change your mind," Nora said, hovering over our shared cubicle.

I heard James sigh behind me. "I'm sorry, Mrs. G," he murmured. "Someone's got to stay behind, right?"

She sighed. "Well, feel free to stop by when you're finished. Dedalus Diggle is taking the midnight to six shift and Merlin knows the festivities at my home are going to go way past midnight."

He chuckled. Even without facing him, I could tell it was forced. "Alright. Hopefully, I'll see you tonight."

I waited for Nora's footsteps to fade out before turning around. "You're the one on call tonight?"

He nodded. "Yep."

"On Christmas Eve?"

"Yep."

I frowned. "Go home, Potter."

He didn't even glance up from the files on his desk. "Were you not listening? I'm stuck here tonight."

I rolled my chair over to him and whirled his own chair around to face me. "Hey!" he argued, as his quill scribbled a line across the page.

I ignored him. "James, do you know why my coworkers like me?"

"I wasn't aware your coworkers liked you."

I tore his quill out of his hand and chucked it at him. He ducked, laughing as I continued, "They like me because I don't have any family and I don't have any friends. You know what that means?"

"You're slightly pathetic?"

I shot him a look. "Are you done with the jokes?"

"Not even close."

"It means, Potter," I continued with a snicker, "that when an Auror needs to stay back and be on call just in case, God forbid, something happens, that Auror can be me. While all other Aurors are spending Christmas Eve with their wives and husbands and girlfriends and mothers and fathers and sisters and aunts and-"

"I think I get it."

"And uncles and grandparents and children," I continued, ignoring the interruption, "I can be the one manning the desk. James, you are one of those people who has family and friends. It's Christmas Eve for Merlin's sake! And I can guarantee you'd rather be spending this time with them than with me."

He frowned, shoving his chair away from me. I could see fear resting on his face plain as day. "I don't mind staying here, Lafevre," he muttered, shaking his head. "I've got a lot to do."

"Like hide?"

He met my gaze. "We've been over this before," he said coolly. "I'm not hiding and I certainly don't need you telling me how I'm feeling."

"It's Christmas Eve, Potter," I said pleadingly. "And I'm pretty sure you don't want to be spending your holidays with me."

"Who said I would be?" he snorted. "You're free to leave."

"Nope," I said, shaking my head. "I'm not going anywhere."

He frowned. "Why are you so determined to force me out of the office?"

My heart skipped a beat and I turned away from his scrutinizing stare. I pressed my lips together tightly, thinking back to the Christmases I used to spend as a child. When I thought my family was normal. And now nothing in my life was normal. "Life is short, Potter," I said softly. "You of all people should realize that. And-"

"I do realize that," he was quick to intervene. "And that's why…I just can't…I don't know…how can I…"

I saw desperation in his eyes as he swallowed the rest of the words. "What are you so scared of?" I asked curiously.

He shook his head. "Everything," he admitted with a curt shrug. He whirled his chair around, clearly trying to tell me he had no desire to speak on the subject anymore. But I wasn't about to let him get out so easy.

"Do you really think that throwing yourself into work is going to make any or all of your fears go away?"

"No," he was quick to argue. "But at least my work is the one thing in my life I have an ounce of control over."

"Aren't you trying to control your life by pushing away those in you love? Your friends, your family, Lily? By keeping them at a distance, isn't that your way of attempting to control how their lives are going to be led? Is that fair to them?"

I saw him stiffen but wasn't surprised when he didn't respond.

"Like I said, Potter," I said softly. "Life is short. Would you rather spend that short life completely alone and by yourself? Or with the people you love?"

"I'm not alone," he argued. "I'm here with you, aren't I?"

I groaned. "Oh please tell me you wouldn't rather spend your life with me?"

He chuckled, glancing behind his shoulder at me. "Gee, don't sound so disgusted."

"I'm not disgusted, I'm frustrated," I snorted, rolling my eyes. "Go home, Potter."

He slowly shook his head before once again turning his back on me. I sighed, wanting so much for him to realize how lucky he was. "James," I said, my voice soft and vulnerable.

I don't know if it my use of his first name or if it was something in my voice, but he slowly turned back around to face me. The movement seemed reluctant but at least he was listening. "Yeah?"

I opened my mouth to speak the thoughts forming in my mind, but I found it difficult actually getting the words out. It wasn't something I spoke of often, if at all, and I didn't know where to even start. I felt my heart start to race as I once again was brought back to the Christmases I used to share with my family. The tinsel lining the house, the smell of pine filling the foyer, my brothers fighting over the last gingerbread cookie, the hymns my mother would sing on Christmas Eve, the ham my father prided himself on perfecting. I felt a lump form in my throat and it was my turn to whirl my chair around. I couldn't speak my mind with the scrutinizing stare James was giving me. "I'm a prime example of what happens to those who have to watch their own loved ones live a short life," I said softly. "My family, my entire world even, changed in an instant. Everything I ever knew, everything I lived for was taken from me. And it's difficult moving away from that. Moving on. Moving past the heartbreak and pain. Yes, surprise, surprise, I do know how to feel something. Or at least I used to. I couldn't tell you when it happened or even why it happened but somewhere in the past eight years, I just stopped feeling anything."

When I didn't continue, not knowing how to, he asked, "Why are you telling me this?"

"I don't want you to live that way," I argued, whirling my chair around to face him, my eyes filled with determination and even regret. "You don't have to live that way. You still have people in your life who love and care about you. Don't let them go. Don't move on from that. Don't move past it. Not when you don't have to."

He tried opening his mouth to respond a few times, but nothing came out. He just stared at me, with his own eyes displaying regret. What he regretted, I didn't know. "And what happens if that day does come for me?" he eventually asked. "The day where I, too, lose it all. The day where I have to watch those I love have their short life ended. The day where my world changes in an instant. The day where everything is taken away from me. What happens then?"

I've never heard such fear and anxiety in his voice. It almost scared me. "Why are you always so determined to disparage the future when you have no idea what could possibly happen?"

He snapped his eyes up towards me. "No, Lafevre, the worst part about all of this is that I do have an idea of what could happen. I've watched three of my brothers get killed, my father get murdered, my sister get kidnapped, and the girl I've loved since I was eleven years old get attacked. And that's only the beginning! You and Dumbledore have pretty much informed me of that."

"See, this is why I thought it was better for you not to know any of this!" I cried out, frustrated. "I don't want to see your fears take over your life! Dammit, you deserve better than that!"

"Would you change it if you could?"

That question threw me a little. "Would I change what?"

"All of it. Any of it."

"Oh, gee, that explains it."

He sighed, running his fingers through his hair like he so often did when he was feeling overwhelmed with anxiety. "Would you go back and change the life you had before Voldemort took away your family? Would you change anything you did or felt after he took them away? Is there anything in your life you wish could have gone differently?"

"You mean besides the fact that I wish my family was still alive?" I muttered, although that wasn't an entirely accurate statement.

"Yeah, besides that," he said, rolling his eyes.

I hesitated. But only briefly. "No," I said firmly, meeting his curious gaze. "I made my choices. Some of them were harder to make than others, but…but I don't regret the decisions I was forced to make because of what happened."

"And what about before they died? Would you change anything?"

I pursed my lips tentatively. "The only thing I wish I could do is go back in time and appreciate the time I had with them. That's always the hardest part of letting go. Saying good-bye to the people you love with the fear that you didn't say or do everything you wanted to before they were so wrongly taken away."

"No," he spoke, his voice hoarse. "That's not the hardest part."

I met his gaze. "Then what is?"

He swallowed hard and slumped down in his chair defeatedly. "It's not just about saying goodbye," he murmured. "It's about waking up every morning just to have say good-bye again and again when you realize they're gone and they're not coming back."

I didn't have to ask what he meant by that. I already understood. And what's worse, I agreed. For a brief moment in time, when you laid in your bed and let slumber take over your whole body and mind, those few hours were almost peaceful and resilient because you didn't have sad and horrible thoughts running through your mind. But as the sun rose, filling the sky with hues of pink and orange and the day was forced to begin, those few hours were interrupted by your eyes opening and the realization hitting you that those people you loved aren't in your life anymore. That realization will then hit you like a hundred bricks being thrown at your head.

"Is that what you're doing by hiding out here instead of with your loved one? Are you trying to get used to the idea of saying good-bye?" I dared to asked, glancing up at him. "To your mother, your sister, your brother, your brother-in-law, Sirius, Remus, Peter, Lily?"

He frowned, his bottom lip trembling. "Maybe that is what I'm doing," he admitted in a soft voice.

"Take it from someone who knows. Don't say good-bye unless you have to. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Life is short," I repeated cautiously. "So live it."

He stared up at me, his eyes clouding over with curiosity and uncertainty. Curious if perhaps I was right. Uncertain if it made a difference. It was scaring me how much I saw myself in James Potter.

"It's that easy, hm?" he eventually said, shaking his head in disbelief.

"No," I muttered. "It's not easy at all letting go of your fears and inhibitions. But if you don't, you're going to be leading a very lonely, abandoned life. And you deserve better."

"So do you, Lafevre."

I stiffened, shaking my head. "It's a little too late for me," I said. It wasn't meant to sound depressing, just honest. "But you still have people in your life who love you and who you love back. So please, Potter, go home. Go spend the evening with them."

"And leave you alone on Christmas Eve?"

"I'm used to it," I said with a strained smile. "You're not."

"You're not going to let me stay here, are you?"

"Not even a little bit."

He glanced at me. "Why am I so determined to live my life alone?"

I shrugged slowly, frowning. "Because when you're alone, you can't get hurt," I whispered all too knowingly.

I met his gaze and saw defeat in his eyes. "It doesn't really work that way, does it?"

"For me, maybe," I said softly. "But I really am alone. You're not, Potter. As you sit here by yourself and you think you're better off, you're still worrying about all of those people you love and care about. No matter how much you push them away and keep yourself at a distance, you're never going to stop worrying about them. So go the hell home, Potter, and be with them while you worry. It's a lot better than being by yourself."

He sighed as his eyes reluctantly grazed the paperwork on his desk. He reached over and flipped the folder shut, sticking his quill on top of it. "Alright," he muttered. "But only because my sister is attempting to make eggnog from scratch and I feel like I have to see this disaster firsthand instead of hear the horror stories tomorrow."

I laughed, letting out a grateful sigh of relief. I don't know why, but it made me feel better knowing that I was able to knock some sense into James. It was obvious his fear was making all of his decisions for him, but it was time for him to gain some control back of his own life. He deserved to make decisions and choices that will make him happy, not make decisions and choices based on fear and regret. "I'll see you Monday, Potter," I said, offering him a smile before turning my chair back around to my own desk.

Even though I was used to being alone during the holidays, sometimes it still hurt. It was hard not being reminded of the good times I used to have. It might have been eight years since I shared Christmas with anyone but myself and a bottle of red wine, but my heart still sometimes ached for the way things used to be. Just because I was used to it didn't necessarily mean I cherished it.

"Hey, Lafevre?"

I jumped slightly, not realizing he was still there. "Hm?"

He paused. "I'm sorry that you're used to being alone on Christmas Eve."

I froze but when I turned around to glance up at him, he was gone.

---

++JAMES++

When I left the Ministry, I couldn't get Sydny's words out of my head. She was unfortunately too wise for her own good. She knew so much about what I was thinking and feeling and there were times, I hated her for it. Sometimes, I just wanted to live my life in self-pity and frustration, but she wouldn't allow me to do that. And I knew it was for my own good but when I thought about what was happening all around me, the death and destruction mainly, it was hard letting go of so many, as Sydny put it, fears and inhibitions.

I wandered the streets surrounding the Ministry, trying to convince myself that by spending one Christmas Eve with my family, that didn't mean I was going to wake up tomorrow to find them all dead.

I groaned, realizing just how ridiculous I sounded.

But that didn't change any of my fears.

It was nearing nine o'clock, when I finally just took a deep breath and apparated to the Gilmore household. As I slowly strolled along the walkway, I could hear the laughter coming from within. I couldn't help myself as I peered into the window. They were all surrounding the dining table and my heart pinged with adoration. Sirius was getting an earful from Gran, trying to send panic glances towards Remus, but Remus was clearly too entertained to save Sirius. Lily was sipping her white wine, making polite conversation with a girl I didn't recognize, but looking at the way Rafe Gilmore was staring at her, I had a feeling she was probably his girlfriend. Billy Gilmore was chucking olives at Grant to see if he could catch them in his mouth and occasionally, my mother or Nora would turn to them and scold them. Keegan clearly looked slightly out of place, this being her first Gilmore Christmas Eve event, while she made small talk with the father of the household. Drew and Dezzy were holding hands under the table, filling their plates with a second helping. Lance and Kay were huddled at one end of the table, their foreheads pressed together as, I'm sure, they whispered sweet-nothings in each other's ears. Even after four years, it was obvious how much they loved each other. Unconditionally. I wished I had that. Not to say I didn't love Lily, but there were recent conditions that made my love a tad wary.

As I watched them all clearly enjoying their evening, I found myself rooted to that spot by the window unable to go in and change the cheerful dynamic among the group. My life was less than cheerful and I didn't want to ruin that for anyone. They all deserved to be happy. And unfortunately, happiness was something I was finding hard to come by.

I can't be sure how long I stood there watching my friends and family, but after the toast Gran gave (an extremely lengthy toast she gave every year about all the great things we have to be thankful for), I found myself retreating and wandering down the winding street. I couldn't tell you what was running through my mind or why I was refusing to enter the Gilmore house and join in the festivities, but I found myself so desperate to be anywhere but there. I passed my own home, not wanting to fill my night alone in a dark, musky home that was just going to remind me of all the Christmases past I spent with my family.

Not to my surprise, I ended up in front of Blarney's. When I traipsed inside, I saw that it was virtually empty. A few drunk customers here and there, most of them looking miserable. But that's probably expected seeing as they were spending the holiday in a bar.

"Hey, Melinda," I greeted the bartender as I slid into an empty bar stool. "Get me a double shot of firewhisky."

She looked at me curiously. "You do realize it's Christmas Eve, right?"

"Well, that explains the ringing of the bells at the church down the street," I drawled sarcastically. "I'll take that drink now."

She frowned but obliged. As she put it in front of me, she asked, "Are you alright?"

"I am now," I muttered, bringing the glass to my lips and taking a sip of the burning liquid.

"Want to talk?"

"Not even a little bit."

She sighed. "Well, you know where to find me."

"Yep, when I need another drink, I'll know where to find you."

"Not exactly what I meant."

"Melinda," I sighed, shaking my head. "Right now, I don't want to talk, I don't even want to think. I just want to sit here and enjoy my firewhisky. Is that so hard to ask?"

She frowned but shook her head. "Can I at least say one more thing?"

"I have a feeling I won't be able to stop you."

She shrugged. "I've been the bartender here for nearly two years. I've seen a lot of people come in here, their problems displayed plain as day on their faces. And most of those people had a very similar problem: they were completely alone and that's why they were drowning their sorrows in alcohol," she spoke, shaking her head in disbelief. "But unlike those other patrons who I've been forced to listen to as they spill their crises to me, you are not alone. So don't face your problems alone. You have a swarm of people who love you. And you aren't going to find what you're looking for in firewhisky."

I frowned, finding myself very irritated with the speech. First it was Sydny, not it's Melinda. Two people who barely knew me. What gave them the right to judge me and my actions? I downed the rest of my firewhisky in a single gulp. "I'm going to need another double shot."

She sighed and with a clear disapproving look, she reluctantly poured more firewhisky into my glass.

---

++LILY++

Christmas Eve wasn't the same without James. The Gilmores always threw a grand party and I would be lying if I said I didn't have fun. But it just wasn't the same. It didn't feel like Christmas without James by my side, trying to pin me under the mistletoe with his frenzied kisses or trying to force spiked eggnog down my throat or his off-tune humming of Christmas carols or the extra flute of champagne he'd steal for me during dinner once he'd realize I despise eggnog or the toast he'd make (following Gran's rather boring toast) where he would inevitably say how grateful he was to have me in his life.

Tears sprang to my eyes as I wandered into the empty Potter Manor. As I stood in the middle of the foyer, I realized how small I suddenly felt even standing in an enormous mansion. But what was the point of living in that enormous mansion when I didn't get to share it with anyone?

Glancing at the grandfather clock, I saw that it was nearing two o'clock in the morning. I probably should have just gone to bed, but I wasn't tired at all. I should have been, but all I could think about was James. I did quickly head up to our bedroom and throw on some flannel pajamas before finding myself in the kitchen. I steamed up a hot cup of cocoa and made my way to the living room where the Christmas tree I had to decorate myself stood brightly. Glancing at the fireplace, I grabbed my wand and made a fire before reaching for a blanket and cuddling on to the couch. With the Christmas lights from the tree twinkling brightly, the cocoa warming my hands, the fire cackling and providing a sense of comfort in the room, all that was missing was James.

I wasn't sitting there long before hearing faint footsteps in the foyer. I stiffened only slightly, but didn't bother moving from my comfortable perch on the couch. If he wanted to reach out to me, he would. If he didn't, I wouldn't have been surprised.

My gaze fell fixatedly on the fire embers even when I saw his shadow looming in the doorway behind me.

"You're still up?" he asked.

I could only nod.

"How was the Gilmores?"

I slowly placed my cocoa down on the coffee table in front of me and turned around to face him. He looked disheveled, confusion and concern all wrapped into a single stoic expression. "I missed you tonight," I said softly.

He winced slightly. "I-I'm sorry, Lily."

He almost sounded like he meant it. "I don't need you to be sorry."

He hesitated. "Well then, what do you need?"

I sighed, bringing the blanket up to my chin anxiously. "You."

He took a step into the room, the fire lighting up his face. "I'm here now, aren't I?"

I frowned, staring at him skeptically. "Are you?"

His eyes narrowed, confused. "What do you mean?"

I swallowed hard, turning away from him to face into the fire. "You're never home, James. And even when you are home, it doesn't seem like you are. You're distant, you're detached, you're evasive. I just…" I trailed off, my voice soft and concerned. "James, I don't know what's been going on with you lately and I don't need to know. I just need you."

It was obvious to me that guilt flashed across his face as he slowly made his way over to where I was sitting. "Lily," he said softly, reaching out and brushing my messy hair from my face. "I'm always going to need you, too."

I sincerely hoped that that was true. "I'm sorry about what happened with your father and your brother, James," I said softly, drawing my knees into my chest. "I'm sorry about what happened to your sister and Drew on their honeymoon. I'm sorry about what happened to us that day at the Ministry. I'm sorry about what happened to Caleb. I'm sorry that you're stuck dealing with so much loss. But just because you've lost a lot of good people doesn't mean you should lose yourself."

He frowned hesitantly, slowly shaking his head. "It's not that, Lily," he murmured. "It's just…" he trailed off, not providing me with any answers.

"Yeah?" I practically pleaded.

His lips pursed and I could see the words on the edge of his tongue. I prayed hard for whoever was listening that James would finally just open up to me.

His hesitation gave way to reluctance. "I love you, Lily," he murmured, reaching for my hand to squeeze it. "It's just…"

Once again he trailed off, the fear emanating his in his expression.

"It's just what?"

He sighed, shaking his head slowly. "I don't know," he whispered. A lie.

"James, you've got to be able to let go of everything that's happened," I urged, drawing his hand up to my lips so I could kiss the tips of his fingers. "Right now, there's just you and there's me. That's all that matters, James. And it's all that ever is going to matter if you just let it."

A slow smile crept on to his face. "I know you're right," he whispered.

"But it doesn't make dealing with the rest of the world any easier?" I suggested.

Awe flickered in his eyes and it was as if for the first time in a month, he and I were finally both on the same page. "I'm sorry, Lily," he said softly, his voice soft and vulnerable. I didn't have to ask what about. I knew he was referring to the way he had been disappearing lately. He looked me straight in the eye and this time, I knew he was sincere.

My heart skipped a beat. Even after four years, he still looked so devilishly handsome. I could see the fire dancing in his hazel eyes, his cheeks flushing from the warmth emanating in the room, and his long, shaggy hair was still irresistible to me. I reached up and brushed his hair from his face, whispering, "I love you, James."

He grabbed my hand, kissing the heel of it softly. He tugged my arm lightly, clearly wanting me to get up off the couch. "Dance with me, Miss Evans."

My eyebrow levitated into my hair. "You want to dance?"

He chuckled, outstretching his other hand to me. "Humor me, Lily."

Still skeptical, I pushed the blanket off of me and stood up. He grabbed his wand and in a mere second, Celestina Warbeck's voice filled the room from the radio. He smiled down at me, unexpectedly twirling me around (where I stumbled out of pure confusion) before he placed his left hand firmly in my right hand and put his other free hand on the small of my back. It sent a chill down my spine as I wondered when the last time I was really intimate with my boyfriend. In seconds, his cheek was burying into my hair as we slowly sashayed around the room. In only seconds, my confusion and skepticism were being replaced with complacency and joy. It felt so right being in his arms and I just prayed he was turning a new leaf. That whatever was truly bothering him, he wouldn't let it affect his relationship with me or even his relationships with his family and his friends, people he's been so keen on avoiding in the recent weeks.

I couldn't tell you how long we spent in the living room swaying to the sweet, soothing voice of Celestina Warbeck but it was the first time in a long time I felt that maybe things were going to be alright.

He eventually broke the comfortable silence that had risen between us. "Merry Christmas, Lily."

I smiled, burying my face in the nook of his shoulder. This was exactly where I was meant to be. "Merry Christmas, James."

---

++JAMES++

She had been right. She often was. And for once, I was determined to just focus on that moment. Focus on the fact that that day was just about me and her. Not about the rest of the world. No, only the two of us mattered on that Christmas morning. I did everything in my power to cast my fears aside for that day as best I could, vowing to give Lily the Christmas she deserved. Christmas had never been a favorite holiday of hers as it continued to be a reminder of the family she once loved so no matter what kind of funk I may have been in, I was not about to give her another reason to hate Christmas. I wasn't as heartless as it appeared I could be.

We spent most of that early morning in the living room, cuddling underneath the blanket and discussing our favorite childhood Christmas memories as we watched the fire die out. When the fire eventually did expire, I scooped Lily up into my arms and dragged her up to the bedroom, our fiery kisses leading us the whole way. We made love (twice) like we haven't in so long, letting our passion and our love for each other be the ones to guide us to overwhelming pleasure instead of becoming plagued by fear and hesitance. We eventually drifted off to sleep and before she could wake, I had snuck downstairs to attempt to make her gingerbread pancakes. It was like old times once again and I loved every minute of it. I just wished it could be like this every day.

"There's nothing sexier than a man at the stove."

I jumped, her voice startling me. "You're supposed to still be in bed!" I scolded, although it was hard pretending to be mad when she looked so casually gorgeous in my oversized sweatshirt.

"Then you shouldn't be making such delicious-smelling breakfast foods," she said, a coy smile spreading across her face. She slowly walked over to me, wrapping her arms around my waist from behind and running kisses up my bare arms until her lips nipped lightly at my neck.

"You're making it impossible to flip these pancakes," I groaned, the spatula in my hand trembling.

"Suddenly, it's not pancakes I'm in the mood for," she teased, her fingers inching downward, playing with the band on my cotton pajama pants. Pants, might I add, I threw on without bothering to put a pair of boxers on first. So you can imagine the erection that shot up at her soft touch against my pelvis.

I shut off the burner and whirled around in her arms, my lips crashing hungrily with hers. I threw the spatula on to the counter haphazardly and entwined my fingers in her silky hair. Dammit, she was so incredibly sexy. My fingers perched on the edge of the sweatshirt as I pulled it over her head impatiently, letting it collide with the floor. My hands migrated towards her tight buttocks and I lifted her up, throwing her on to the messy counter with a trail of aggressive kisses.

"Merry Christmas to us," she giggled, pressing her breasts against my bare chest impetuously as she wrapped her legs tightly around my waist, pulling me close to her.

"You're the best gift I've ever received," I whispered, my eyes meeting hers in a sensual passion before I planted my lips against hers, our tongues immediately intertwining with each other. "I don't need anything more. Ever."

"I love you, Ja-" she didn't finish her sentence as my mouth was now pressed against hers again, my hands running down the smooth of her back, skimming her thighs, sliding up the inside of her leg. I could feel her squirm slightly at where the obvious next location would be for my fingers to graze. And she moaned when my fingers did indeed make a quick circular motion around a certain sensitive mound. I grinned, my lips taking a breather from her mouth to suck lightly on her right nipple. She already looked so flushed and immensely satisfied that I couldn't help but smile. Four years later, and we still had so much overwhelming passion for each other.

Which was suddenly interrupted by a very badly-timed entrance from my so-called best friends.

"Merry Christmas—aw, hell!" Remus cried out, shielding his eyes and turning his back on the sight of his two friends hooking up on the kitchen counter. "That wasn't a sight I needed to see on Christmas morning. Hell, that's not a sight I need to see ever!"

"Merry Christmas to me," Sirius said from behind Remus, a grin breaking out on his face. "Looking good, Lily-bean."

I wrapped my arms around Lily, screening her from Sirius' leers, and pulled her off the counter. "Sirius Black, remind me to kill you," she whined as she reached down to pick up the sweatshirt and throw it over her head.

"You do realize this mansion has about twenty bedrooms, right?" Remus muttered, his back still turned to us. "Why must you taint the kitchen?"

"And it's nearly noon! Don't you two ever take a break from sex?" Sirius joked.

"Was that an actual suggestion?" I teased, pulling the waistband of my pajama pants up higher on my waist.

"Don't you two ever knock?" Lily grumbled, throwing her hair into a messy ponytail.

"As if you could have heard us," Sirius snorted. "I mean, minus the fact that you two were knee deep in oral sex, this mansion is a death trap for doorbells and knocking."

Lily's face turned the color of crimson, a glare appearing on her face.

"Besides, we smelled pancakes," he said, ignoring the look he was receiving from Lily. "How were we supposed to know you put pancakes aside for sex?"

"I think it's time we got an impenetrable lock for the front door," Lily muttered.

"Then we'll just use the back door."

Lily's glare intensified.

Sirius grinned sheepishly. "Please tell me there are more pancakes."

"Can I turn around now?" Remus asked hesitantly.

Lily rolled her eyes, stepping up on her tiptoes to give me a quick kiss on the cheek. "I'm going to go shower and get changed. Try and keep these two in check while I'm gone."

"That's asking way too much of me, Lily," I sighed.

She chuckled. "Thanks for the pancakes," she said slyly, winking at me.

I smirked, pressing my lips against hers. "We'll have leftovers later."

She grinned, giggling, before shoving past Sirius and Remus and heading upstairs.

"Like we don't realize 'pancakes' is code for sex," Sirius snorted.

I could tell that he wasn't surprised when he got a spoonful of batter chucked at his face.

---

++REMUS++

"So things are good between you two, hm?" I asked James as I wandered over to the stove to turn on the burner. I reached for the bowl of pancake batter and scooped a few spoonsful on to the pan.

He shot me a confused look. "We've been together nearly four years. What do you think?"

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, but you haven't exactly been around much in the past month. And it was obvious it was affecting that naked girlfriend of yours."

James scowled, hoisting himself on to the counter beside me. "You guys have the worst timing in the world," he muttered, ignoring my other comments.

"You're the one going at it in the kitchen," Sirius snorted. "You do have a bedroom, y'know."

"Eh, we already used it last night," he said dismissively, handing me the spatula. "Twice."

"What, making up for lost time?" Sirius inquired, slipping into one of the kitchen chairs.

I cringed as James frowned. "I've been busy," he muttered with a casual shrug. "But it's Christmas. And I'm going to give Lily a Christmas she deserves."

"Which apparently consists of sex, sex, and more sex," Sirius teased.

"This coming from the King of Horniness," I chimed in with a laugh.

Sirius grinned. "That is my idea of a very Merry Christmas."

He ducked again as another spoonful of pancake batter went flinging towards him.

"Stop throwing pancake batter at me and start actually using it to make pancakes," he whined, wagging a finger in my direction.

I chuckled and obliged, flipping over the three pancakes in the pan. "We didn't mean to interrupt you today, James," I apologized with a shrug.

"Speak for yourself," Sirius said with a grin. "I'm all for catching a glimpse of Lily nak-"

"I wouldn't finish that sentence if I were you," James warned, glaring at him.

Sirius chuckled, shrugging sheepishly. "Since we were eleven years old, the three of us have spent Christmas together," he explained, pretty much taking the words out of my own mouth. "So Remus and I didn't think any differently of today. But obviously things have changed. The three of us don't live together anymore and let's face it, you're…you're going to marry Lily. So we-"

"Whoa, let's not get ahead of ourselves," James quickly interrupted, panic flashing across his face. "You guys are welcome here at any time. You should know that. And it's Christmas. I can't imagine spending Christmas with anyone else but my beautiful girlfriend and my best mates." He hesitated. "Not only because one of those best friends apparently helps makes delicious pancakes."

I smacked his shoulder with the spatula, laughing lightly. "James, are you still planning on asking Lily to marry you on your Anniversary?"

"SHH!" he said, shooting me a look as he glanced worriedly over to the kitchen door. "What are you doing, bringing that up when she's right upstairs?"

I exchanged a nervous glance with Sirius, reminded that Lily already knew about the impending engagement. "Why are you avoiding the question?" Sirius asked.

James rolled his eyes. "Can we just focus on Christmas, hm?"

I frowned. He really was avoiding the question. "James, what's going on with you?" I said slowly.

"Nothing, except my empty stomach. Those pancakes almost done?"

"You're a pro at avoiding questions," Sirius accused, rolling his eyes.

"Can you two please stop the speculation?" he demanded, letting out a low growl. "I'd rather not get into anything, especially today. Can't we just enjoy the holiday?"

"This coming from the guy who skipped out on Christmas Eve dinner," I snorted, flipping the finished pancakes on to a plate.

"I was working!"

"Yeah, because we've never heard that excuse from you," I muttered, levitating the plate of pancakes on to the kitchen table.

"I change my mind," James scowled. "You guys are uninvited over here."

I sighed. "James, we're just worried about you. We don't want-"

"Don't be," he pleaded. "I already have Sydny LaFreak on my case. And apparently Melinda."

"Melinda?" I asked curiously. "The Blarney's barmaid?"

He sighed. "Look, I may have been a tad AWOL recently," he said cautiously, hopping off the counter and heading to the refrigerator to grab the syrup. "But I'm here now, aren't I? And so are you, no matter how untimely your arrival was." He chuckled, shrugging. "So let's just…just live in the moment and enjoy today. We can't predict what will happen tomorrow or the next day or even next year. I say we just eat these damned pancakes before they get cold and start getting ready for tonight."

Once again, he was avoiding the question, but I sighed and let it go. I didn't want to get into an argument with him on Christmas and as I met Sirius' gaze, I could tell he didn't either. "Right. Tonight," I muttered as I turned off the burner and joined Sirius at the kitchen table.

I didn't let the nervous glances shared by James and Sirius go unnoticed but I didn't bother commenting. I knew what the looks were for and I was choosing to ignore it.

For the past three Christmases, Potter Manor hosted an intimate Christmas dinner for the old Hogwarts crowd. It was just the four Marauders, Lily, Kay and Lance, and Jillian. I was already dreading the void that would be at the dining room table. And the void that would be in my heart. That spot at the table, I know, was going to be replaced by Keegan this year. Which in a weird way, I was happy about. At least there wouldn't be an empty chair to remind me of what I lost that year.

Glancing over at Sirius, I wondered if he felt the same empty, void feeling every Christmas when it was painfully obvious that a certain raven-haired beauty by the name of Riley Gilmore wasn't there when she probably should have been.

I actually thought of skipping out but realized the idea of being all alone on Christmas was a lot worse than spending it in the company of my friends.

Even if Jillian Greene was the only thing on my mind.

---

++KAY++

After we stopped into the Gilmore home for some cocktails and appetizers (and some much anticipated scolding for skipping out on dinner and instead choosing to spend the evening at Potter Manor), Lance and I were traipsing into James and Lily's place with a sigh of relief. As much as there were times I enjoyed the large family aspect that came with a Gilmore family dinner (the multitudes of wine helped), Christmases had long become a time for the old Hogwarts clan. It felt right and comfortable. The first Christmas after Hogwarts, I think we all pushed for more of an intimate gathering mostly for Sirius' sake. It was important for all of us to remember the good times that Hogwarts brought to us, the memories of us just enjoying each other's company. We needed to be around each other during a difficult time to remind ourselves that Riley's disappearance didn't have to run our lives.

"Hey there! The Gilmores have arrived!" Lance shouted as we entered the foyer.

I giggled and rolled my eyes, not bothering to correct him that I'm technically not a Gilmore yet. "Why do you insist on shouting every time we talk into this house? Merlin knows they can't hear you," I pointed out, grabbing his hand and heading towards the kitchen where I had a feeling the rest of the group would be gathered.

"I only do it to hear my echo," he teased, squeezing my hand.

"You do realize you can do that in the Gilmore Manor, right?"

"And get screamed at by Gran for raising my voice? No thanks."

I couldn't help but laugh as we sauntered into the kitchen, noting that we were the last to arrive. "Merry Christmas!" I said.

Lance grinned as James immediately handed him a beer. "Yes, it is."

"Want one, Kay?" he asked with a laugh.

"I'll just take wine," I said, heading towards the refrigerator for the white wine. "But nice apron."

James scowled, turning his gaze on his girlfriend. "Lily made me wear it," he whined.

She grinned, kissing his cheek. "You're wearing a white shirt, honey, and you insisted on helping with the turkey. And-"

"No, you made me help."

"And Merlin knows you are going to get that turkey juice all over that white shirt of yours without an apron," she teased.

"Yes, but did the apron have to be pink?" he pouted.

"I think you look rather pretty," Sirius teased, ruffling up his best friend's hair.

"Quit it!" he whimpered, ducking from Sirius' playfulness. "That's it, no turkey for you."

Sirius snorted. "Like I'd want to eat a turkey you had a hand in making. I'll stick to the bread basket and beer, thank you very much."

"And the apple pie, I'm sure," Remus chimed in from the kitchen table where he sat with Peter and Keegan.

He hesitated. "Please tell me James is staying away from the making of that pie."

Lily laughed, returning to the stovetop. "Don't worry. That's all me."

Laughter filled the kitchen as Lance slipped into an empty kitchen chair. With my glass of wine in hand, I dropped on to his lap with a grin. "So how has everyone's Christmases been?"

Sirius grinned. "Lily and James certainly had a very merry-"

"SIRIUS!" a chorus of two voices cried out.

My eyebrow peaked. "Er…do I even want to know?"

"No," Remus chimed in, rolling his eyes. But the ends of his mouth were turned upward. "It's time to ask someone else about their Christmas. Keegan?"

She made a face. "Well, let's see, I did laundry in the morning, cleaned the bathroom in the early afternoon, and for the rest of the day I ignored letters from Malone about coming into the office for some Potter exposé updates. So it's been a fairly festive day," she teased.

"That's what you did today?" Sirius asked in what sounded like sincere sympathy.

She shrugged. "It's like any other day I suppose."

Sirius frowned but didn't say anything else, but I was intrigued to see his gaze hadn't left hers.

"Well, it sounds like a better day than ours considering we hung out with Gran all day," Lance chimed in, earning a smack to the back of the head by yours truly. He chuckled, kissing my forehead affectionately.

"Oh, absolutely," Keegan agreed, shuddering. "I'll take being alone over being with that woman any day." Even though she said it with a smile, I could tell that smile was a tad forced.

"Ah, right, you've finally met the infamous Granny Gilmore last night," James said with a sympathetic smile, pulling the turkey out of the oven. "Does she scare the daylights out of you?"

"Daylights, hell, whatever you want to call it," she whimpered, grimacing. "Does she grill everybody she meets?"

"Oh, absolutely," I said, nodding furiously. "'Are you married?' 'Are you going to get married?' 'Are you dating someone if you're not married?' 'What's your surname and what's your ancestry?' 'Do you have a respectable job?' 'Does your job interfere with your dating life?' 'Have I asked you yet if you're married?'"

"Yep, that was pretty much how it went down," said Keegan with a frantic nod. "You can only imagine what she thought of me. I'm not married, I'm not dating anyone, the Rouges have done nothing in history except disappoint family members, apparently working for the Daily Prophet would be respectable if Malone hadn't been appointed Editor-in-Chief, of course my job interferes with my dating life because I let it, and, hm, oh yes, I'm still not married."

"Please tell me you didn't mention that you were dating Fabian and broke up recently," Peter spoke up curiously.

She made a face. "Yeah, that unfortunately came up thanks to Sirius."

He grinned. "Oops?"

She smiled, rolling her eyes. "Gran told me I was an idiot for breaking up with such a prestigious fellow," she muttered with a sigh. "You guys couldn't have warned me before I was thrown into the lion's den? Or at least told me what to say or not to say?"

"No way. When she's grilling you that means she's not grilling the rest of us," Sirius pointed out.

"I'm pretty sure Gran still found time to grill the rebellious Sirius Black," James snorted. "Okay, I think this turkey might be done."

"Who you calling a turkey?" Sirius scowled, a teasing smile breaking out on his face.

"That would definitely be you," he said with a grin. "So who wants to help set the table?"

Silence followed.

"Gee, way to be in the Christmas spirit," he teased. He reached for his wand and summoned the silverware.

"We'll help," I urged, pointing to myself and Lance.

Lance shot me a look. "Speak for yourself."

I glared at him. "Do you want to get laid later?"

He grinned sheepishly, picking me up off his lap and jumping up. "Let me help you with that silverware, James!" he said, rushing over to the counter and picking up what he could.

I grabbed the remaining forks and knives and meandered into the dining room after my sexy fiancée. "Can you believe next year we're going to be celebrating Christmas as a married couple?" I said softly, my heart fluttering at the very thought as I placed the silverware down on to the expansive table.

He smiled, letting the silverware in his own hand clang to the table. He reached over and grabbed my waist, brushing a strand of hair from my face. "That's too far away if you ask me," he whispered, pressing his lips to mine. His soft, irresistible lips that still made my toes curl.

"Remind me why our engagement had to last seventeen months?" I whined, wrapping my arms tightly around his neck.

"I believe that was your choice Miss I Want to Get Married in the Fall but Need More than a Couple of Months to Plan," he teased. "We could just leave now and elope, making this Christmas the first Christmas as a married couple."

A sly smile spread across my face. "Do you think anyone would notice if we cut out now?" I whispered.

He grinned but before he could respond, voices spoke behind us.

"Yes."

"Absolutely."

"You haven't gotten very far with the setting of the table, hm?"

Lance and I whirled around with sheepish grins, met with Remus, Peter, and Keegan who were looking rather amused.

"Damn, we lost out on our moment," Lance sighed overdramatically as I took a step out of his grasp. "But now that you are all here, feel free to take over the setting-"

"No way."

"Nice try."

"Not a chance in hell."

Lance sighed. "Yeah, I didn't think that would work."

---

++SIRIUS++

I knew why our Christmas dinners never escalated into including more of the group. I knew that my friends thought it was better to remind us all, maybe mostly me, of the memories we shared, and what we could share, that didn't need to include a certain ex-girlfriend of mine. But to me, I would much rather spend my holiday with a mob of people. At least that would keep out the possibility of any vacant quiet inside my head. Vacancy that often appeared when I was alone and/or thinking of my past with a beautiful black-haired beauty.

Lily and James headed back into the kitchen to pull out dessert while Remus and Peter somehow got sucked into helping with the dishes. Kay and Lance helped cleared the table and I used the excuse that I needed another beer to quickly skip out. With a six-pack in my hand, I slipped out the sliding kitchen door out on to the patio.

Turns out, I wasn't the only one who needed to skip out.

"Keegan," I said, surprised to see her already sitting on the bench swing.

She stiffened, sipping her red wine. "Black."

I hovered in the doorway before sliding the door shut behind me and joining her on the bench swing. I didn't say anything, staring out into the vast backyard, sudden visions of my childhood summer days spent out there with the Potters. A nostalgic feeling crept up inside of me and I had to chug half my beer to get rid of that overwhelming sense of emotion that came over me. I didn't do emotion and I wasn't about to start there.

"These heat lamps really work," I said for lack of anything better to say, nodding to the few heat lamps that lined the patio.

Keegan let out a snort, and then a few giggles before bursting into laughter. She turned to give me a look. "That's the best you could come up with?"

"Well, it was either that or 'damn, this Christmas sucks,'" I muttered. "I decided to go with the upbeat comment."

She frowned, tearing her eyes off of me. "Damn, this Christmas sucks."

I hesitated before nodding. "Don't they always."

She merely nodded and I could see the sad burden emanating in her eyes. I wondered if she was thinking about Tristan. Actually, based on the way she was staring nostalgically at the ground, I had a feeling I didn't have to wonder.

"Sometimes I really despise the holidays," I muttered as an attempt to fill the silence.

"Sometimes?" she muttered with a scoff.

My gaze fell on her, shrugging knowingly. "It's all the fake cheer and overwhelming merriment. The stupid decorations and the cheesy songs. The mocking twinkling lights and the forced gift-giving. The happy couples smothering the rest of us with their holiday spirit. It's all too much."

She turned to meet my gaze and I cringed, realizing that that all sounded far too whiny. I was about to say as much but she cut me off. "I know what you mean," she murmured. "The holidays are supposed to be a time to recognize joy and happiness, but..."

"When was the last time we felt any joy or happiness?" I finished for her

When I glanced up at her, I saw that she was so obviously fighting tears. "Damn, this Christmas sucks," she blurted out in a hurt whisper.

I wanted to reach over and squeeze her hand or say something super comforting or tell her everything will be alright or do something to make her forget that it was Christmas. Instead, I nodded. "I know," I sighed.

She met my gaze and slowly clinked her wine glass to my beer bottle. "I'll toast to a crappy Christmas."

"Cheers," I murmured.

Silence once again fell over us but for once, it wasn't awkward. It felt comfortable, fitting for the moment. As much as perhaps we both needed endless chatter from multitudes of people to fill our heads with anything but Riley or Tristan, but in some weird way being alone to immerse ourselves in the memories of the past may just have been the thing we really needed.

"I'm sorry this Christmas sucks," I spoke once my first beer was finished.

Her jaw tightened as she at first said nothing. She opened her mouth a few times to say something but nothing came out. Eventually she turned to me. "I was supposed to spend today with Fabian. And his family. It was supposed to take my mind off why this holiday sucks so much. And instead, I'm…"

"Sitting out here alone?"

She frowned, staring down at her drink. "I'm not alone," she said hollowly. "You're here, right?"

I had a feeling I wasn't the person she wanted there. "Ah, yes, probably the last person you want to be dealing with I'm sure."

She hesitated, shrugging. "Voldemort might top that list."

I cracked a smile. "Glad to know you're mulling it over still. Just let me know once you decide where I fall on your most-hated list."

I was hoping for a smile from her but she only blinked, the words barely registering with her. She swiftly finished off her wine and turned to me. "I could have savored my relationship with Fabian," she muttered hesitantly as if she was still contemplating that idea.

I tossed her a beer, glancing skeptically at her. "Except you didn't know how to?" I suggested curiously.

As she opened the beer and brought the bottle to her lips, she slowly shook her head. "No," she whispered, her voice hoarse. "I think I've realized it was because I didn't want to."

I didn't respond, knowing she would explain if and when she wanted to. We sat there in silence, drinking our beers and staring up at the night sky. I couldn't tell you what was going through her mind, but I wanted so desperately to hop on to my broom and fly up into that sky. And maybe never come back. Did that sound selfish? Desperate? Maybe. But sometimes I wondered if life would just be easier if I left it all behind.

I could feel her gaze on me so I looked to my right to meet her eyes. She looked so scared and fragile and I had a feeling that whatever she was about to say, it was going to be something depressing to do with Tristan. "Do you miss Riley?"

Well, that wasn't what I was expecting. "No," I lied.

She shot me a look that told me she didn't believe me.

"Yeah," I corrected with a sigh. "Maybe a little bit."

"I miss Tristan every day, but...it's getting hard to remember him," she muttered.

"What do you mean?"

She chewed on the inside of her lips as she contemplated what to say. "Sometimes, I forget what what we had. Tristan and I, I mean. I'm afraid of losing sight of what we were and who he was. When I close my eyes, I want to be able to still smell him. I want to feel the way his lips felt on mine. I want to remember the way he held me close during thunderstorms. I want to see the way his eyes sparkled when I walked into the room. I want to remember who I was when I was with him."

A slow frown spread across my face. When I faced her, I saw the heartache in her eyes.

She continued. "But when I try to conjure up a memory, sometimes I just forget those things about him that I don't want to forget. That I can't forget. I won't allow myself to forget, Sirius. I just…I just can't. I'm so…" she swallowed hard. "Scared to let go, I guess. And I don't know why. Or maybe I do and I just don't know how to admit it."

I didn't say anything immediately, recognizing that she was just talking to get it out but that she didn't necessarily want a response.

"I-I don't know why I'm telling you this," she muttered, a blush of red spreading across her cheeks.

I hesitated. "Because you know that I know what you're afraid of," I said softly, my eyes never straying from hers.

She turned away from me. "Oh really?" she muttered hesitantly.

I shrugged. "You're afraid that if you let yourself truly love another guy, Tristan will eventually be completely erased."

She whipped her head around to face me, a knowing frown on her face.

"Like Fabian," I continued. "But here's the thing, Tristan won't be erased. No matter who you let into your life, Tristan will always be there. You'll always remember him. But…but he doesn't have to define you anymore." I probably sounded like a hypocrite.

She tried to chug her beer to ignore the tears that were sliding silently down her face. "I don't know who I am if he doesn't define me."

"You're Keegan Rouge. You're the most determined, strong-minded, confident girl I know. Even if it's all an act."

She swallowed hard, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand. "Does Riley still define you?"

I met her gaze and shrugged. "Parts of me I suppose, yeah."

She frowned. "That makes us slightly pathetic, doesn't it?" she said, a hint of a sad smile on her face. "That these people who haven't been in our lives for four years still hold a part of who we are."

"Pathetic?" I contemplated. Probably. Maybe a little. These people have been out of our lives for years and yet we can't seem to let them disappear from our minds. "No. It just makes us nostalgic." Probably a lie.

"Are we ever going to get over it all?" she blurted out.

I hesitated, sipping my beer. "Maybe when the right person comes along. The person who will help define the people we are today and not the people we were in the past."

She merely nodded, once again fighting back the tears. "Is it weird that we're talking about this?"

I cracked a smile. "Kinda."

A sad smile appeared on her face as she slowly sipped her beer, the void feeling in her eye giving me a pretty good idea that she was thinking about Tristan.

"Thank you, Sirius," she said.

I turned to her, confused. "For what?"

She pursed her lips, slowly lifting her eyes to meet my gaze. "For understanding."

My heart skipped a beat, my mouth hanging open in shock.

"And I'm sorry," she muttered, turning away with a shameful frown.

I blinked. "For what?"

She finished off her beer and chucked it back into the six-pack. Eventually, she glanced up at me. "That you understand."

---

++LILY++

I awoke the next morning, a smile on my face. I remembered a time when I hated Christmas. When it merely reminded me of the parents I lost during that holiday. But for the past four years, James has helped me realize that Christmas could be about the present. It could be about me and him making memories that could replace the bad ones I have unfortunately had to endure.

And while James has been distant and cold for about a month now and he made me feel so alone, he made it up to me in a single day. It was like he was back to being the guy I fell in love with. We were back to being Lily and James, that envious couple that loved each other with all of our hearts. We spent Christmas laughing and joking, sharing memories with Remus and Sirius, and stealing away for a few must-needed love-making. We topped it off with a perfect evening of great friends, good food, and fun frivolity. It was perfect.

But when I rolled over and saw that his side of the bed was empty, I knew that nothing was perfect. That it was far from perfect. Clearly nothing had changed.

I was once again alone.

---

++SYDNY++

Why was I not surprised when I sauntered into work and there was James buried in paperwork?

"How was your Christmas?"

He merely grunted.

"That good, hm?" I snorted, rolling my eyes as I slid into my rolling chair.

He glanced up from the paperwork, shooting me a sideways glance. "It was fine. Like any other I suppose," he murmured. "And yours?"

"Quiet. Just the way I like it."

He stared at me curiously. "You were here, weren't you."

It wasn't a question and I couldn't help but shoot him a sheepish grin. "Guilty."

He rolled his eyes. "Well, don't get used to spending holidays here because you will be attending the New Year's Eve Auror Ball."

I couldn't help but cringe. "Oh, the infamous Auror Ball. Yeah, I might have heard about it once or twice or a thousand times."

"Well, you're invited obviously. All Aurors are."

"Gee, that makes me feel so special," I teased.

He kicked the back of my chair playfully, whirling me around. "It's one of the most prestigious events in the wizarding world. You'll be missing out if you skip."

"And why would I want to spend my New Year's Eve surrounded by hundreds of people?"

"Thousands actually," he corrected. "And because it's pretty much mandatory for all British Aurors. At Scrimgeour's insistence."

"Doesn't someone have to stay back?"

"That's what the newbies are for," he teased.

"Hate to break it to you, but I'm a newbie here."

He rolled his eyes. "You're making this quite difficult, you realize that?"

"Making what quite difficult?"

"Look, you forced me to depart here on Christmas Eve and now I'm returning the favor. You are coming to the New Year's Eve Auror Ball at my place and that's final," he said with a smug grin. "Now, there was a suspicious Muggle death in Bristol early this morning. Moody wants me to go check it out. You in?"

I made a face. "Will it get me out of going to this Ball of yours?"

"No."

I sighed. "Yeah, alright. Let's go."

He grinned, throwing on his jacket. "These Balls are always a hoot. People are still talking about last year's fist fight between the wife of the Australian Minister of Magic, Harrow Fynn, and apparently Fynn's mistress."

I couldn't help but burst into laughter, remembering the article written on it the following day. "That will teach Fynn to try and hook up with her in your library."

He laughed, gesturing for me to grab my jacket and follow him out. "That library has gotten more action than two teenagers in a Hogwarts broom closet."

"Gee, what a lovely mental image," I teased. "Can we stop for a cup of coffee on the way?"

"Do you live, sleep, and breathe caffeine, Lafevre?"

"Pretty much, yeah."

He chuckled as he led us out of the empty Auror offices. "Fine, we'll stop at the Java Hut first," he caved, rolling his eyes. He pressed the button to the elevator before giving me a curious sideways glance. "Have you ever been to the Auror Ball?"

I froze slightly. Yes, I had been there once. Nine years ago when my father had been an Auror. If that's even what you call what he was. I had found it so glamorous and exciting at the time. Now, the idea of being at the Auror Ball made me sick. I instead said, "Large-scale events where people brag about their accomplishments and drink themselves into a stupor is not my idea of fun."

"That's crazy talk!" James teased.

"I prefer to lay low," I admitted, ignoring his joking demeanor.

"Why does that not surprise me?" he muttered, rolling his eyes.

I merely shrugged. I wasn't about to get into it with him.

"Wow, a very stimulating conversation. Please do go on, Miss Lafevre."

I shot him a look. "How about I focus on coffee first?"

"How about you focus on telling me something about yourself. Anything. Your life is a complete mystery to me, Lafevre."

"My life's a mystery to me, too, Potter," I muttered. "Leave it alone."

He sighed. "You're still coming to the Auror Ball."

I merely swore.

---

++SIRIUS++

"If we're late, I'm telling Prongs it's all your fault!" I growled, emerging from the kitchen with a beer.

"I'm just finishing up this damned report that I need to submit in two days."

"Do that tomorrow and shower now!"

Remus glanced up from our dining room table. "Since when were you in such a rush to get to the New Year's Eve Auror Ball?"

I snorted, giving him a look. "It's New Year's Eve, Moony. The loneliest, horniest night for all single women," I started, dropping on to one of the empty dining room chairs. "There will be an array of girls at Potter Manor tonight reminiscing on their past year just to realize that they are still boyfriendless and alone. And all they're going to want to do is forget that empty feeling inside of them and have one crazy night before forcing themselves into a New Year that will probably prove to be just as alone and empty. Alcohol will help. But sex with a nameless stranger will do the trick. Enter moi! And the earlier I get to Potter Manor, the more girls I will be able to add to my little black book tonight."

Remus sighed. "Why do I bother asking you questions anymore?"

I shrugged. "Get in the shower, Moony!" I demanded.

He couldn't help but chuckle, dropping his quill to the parchment in front of him. "Alright, alright. Don't get your knickers in a twist."

"No, that's what I'll be doing later to all of those alone, boyfriendless, empty girls."

He groaned, scooting his chair back from the table and heading into his room. "Seriously, I need to keep my mouth shut around you."

I laughed and before I could respond, there was a soft knock on the door. Remus hesitated before making a motion to get the door.

"NO!" I whined. "You go shower, I'll answer the door."

"It's probably Keegan. You sure you want to answer that?" he snickered.

"GO SHOWER!"

"Man, how many girls are you planning on sleeping with tonight?"

I glared at him.

He chuckled before disappearing into his room.

I trudged to our front door, ready to give Keegan an earful about how I could not care less which earrings she was debating about wearing or what purse would go best with whatever dress she conjured up.

But when I swung it open, it wasn't Keegan that was standing there.

"Hello, Sirius."

I froze, my heart literally stopping. I'm not sure how long I stood there in shock before finally croaking out a single word.

"Jillian?"

---

A/N: Alright, how many of you thought that was going to be Riley? Sorry - not yet! But in due time, she will show up. I promise you that. But for now, just Jillian! Please review.