A/N: Here goes another chapter! 22 down, about 29 more to go. You'll be happy to know that I just finally wrote the last chapter of this story! Yes, I'll have to go back and do some editing but overall, we are smooth sailing from here on out. Which means that I can actually post a lot quicker than once a month so yay for that! We are now going to be getting into some knitty-gritty goodness in this story so stay tuned.

Disclaimer: You know how this goes. I am not J.K. Rowling and therefore own very little to do with this story...except for a few characters and plot points. But other than that, it all belongs to her!

Goodbyes on the Balcony

By ByeByeBirdie

Chapter 22: Of Voldemort, Heroes, & Letters

++LILY++

"Ah, I was wondering when the girlfriend would attempt to come to the rescue," Voldemort sneered, his voice so cold and callous.

James whirled around, his eyes wide with fear. "Lily, go! You shouldn't be here!"

"How noble," Voldemort drawled, his eyes rolling in disgust. "But I don't think she'll be going anywhere."

I formed the words to say Expelliarmus but before I could I was knocked to my feet and my head was slamming into the hard ground. I heard James shout my name followed quickly by a pleading request to Voldemort to leave me alone.

"Do you always play the role of a martyr, Mr. Potter?" His voice provided me with chills as I attempted to reorient myself.

"This has nothing to do with her so just leave her out of it!" As my eyes unblurred, I saw James standing in front of me, his wand stretched out towards Voldemort.

"The Muggleborn is tainting the wizarding name, Mr. Potter," he sneered, twirling his wand in his hand menacingly. "This has everything to do with her."

"That Muggleborn is one of the best goddamned witches in the entire wizarding world."

A smirk appeared on the villain's face. "You mean the girl that is faceplanted in the mud? Oh, yeah, she's a real hero. But how about this. If you think she's so good, what do you say about having her join our side?"

"'Our side?'" James' voice sneered through the darkness. "We aren't on the same side and we never will be!"

"Oh, we'll see about that, Mister Potter."

"No, we won't. Stupefy!" I heard James cry out.

As I regained composure, ignoring the large bump on the back of my head, I noticed that Voldemort had dodged the curse with such unfortunate ease. "You're going to have to do a lot better than that if you plan on making this a real fight."

James' deflected a bright jet of blue light that came soaring at him. My heart skipped a few beats, fearing Voldemort's nonverbal spells. Another light, this time orange, fell from the end of Voldemort's wand towards James.

"James," I pleaded hoarsely, desperately trying to catch my breath.

As my gaze fell upon Voldemort in horror as he advanced towards James, I noticed that there was one thing that James and I had on our side: it was two against one. As I glanced behind me, I noticed that the forest had grown eerily dark. James and I had put ourselves so far out of the realm of possibility of saving as we were deep into the forest, deeper than I had even realized. The forest had nearly emptied out completely. Death Eaters had apparated scared off and all Aurors and Order members had retreated back to Potter Manor. The three of us were alone.

"Relashio!" Voldemort cried out, ignoring my whiny voice altogether, a manic smile plastered on his face as an invisible rope wrapped around James' neck.

"James!" I cried out once again, my voice louder as I watched him fall to his knees, scraping at the invisible rope around his neck as his face grew in horror. "Stop!" I reached for my wand and pointed it towards Voldemort. "Stupefy!" I knew it was a weak execution but I was desperate to stop him.

It barely knocked Voldemort over, but it did halt the Choking Curse from furthering attacking James.

"You silly girl," the villain sneered, his sights now on me. "You really should have listened to your pathetic boyfriend when he told you to go. Though at least I can now have fun torturing you and watching as your boyfriend fails to save you. Crucio!"

All I remember from that moment was immense pain equivalent to a thousand, no a million knives being pierced continuously into my body. I remember screaming at the top of my lungs, not caring how pathetic I probably sounded. I remember thinking that death would be a far better release than the pain I felt. And as the curse weakened over the minutes, I remember James screaming my name out.

"You stay the hell away from her!" James urged, throwing a disarming spell followed by a stunning spell followed by a choking curse towards Voldemort to no avail. "Leave her alone! It's me you want!"

Voldemort's wand finally turned away from me and I let out a loud gasp, desperate to ignore my strong desire to slip into unconsciousness. "You're right," he said with a smirk. "I do want you. You have proven to be a strong asset, Potter. Join the Dark Side. You'd be a better man for it."

James scowled. "A man? No, that would make me a traitor."

"Choosing to defend Mudbloods makes you a traitor to all that our world stands for, Potter," his deep voice sneered. "Not to worry, however. She won't be around much longer for you to defend." He raised his wand again and was about to send another Cruciatus Curse when James stepped in front of it.

"NO!" I shouted as I watched James fall to the floor once again and writhe around in agony, biting his tongue to keep him from yelling out. "Stupefy!"

That time, it did hit Voldemort and his curse stopped inflicting James.

"You silly girl!" he sneered. "You can't beat me! It's a waste of your time to try. Relashio!"

"PROTEGO!" James' shouted as best he could, a weak protection shield erupting between myself and Voldemort before the spell could hit me. I felt relief fill me knowing James was okay.

"A protection shield?" Voldemort cried out in disgust, breaking it apart in a matter of seconds. "If you're going to fight, you might as well fight like a man! Crucio!"

It was too fast for either one of us to stop it and it hit James in the chest, sending him back towards the ground in pain once again. He was clearly trying to stop himself from yelling out as I crouched beside him. Just to spit Voldemort, I stood up again and yelled out, "Protego!" A strong shield erupted out of my wand. I knew we only had seconds before he would break through it as I turned to James. "James, are you alright?"

He attempted to scramble to his feet. "We've got to get back," he said hoarsely, trying to clear his throat. "The forcefields are still up. We need to lose him."

"You think a flimsy Shield Charm is going to keep me away from you!?" Voldemort's voice boomed.

"C'mon!" James urged, grabbing my arm and running back towards his property line. Jets of light threw past us and James and I kept turning around to send spells and curses back at him. Voldemort's face grew with rage when none of the spells were hitting us.

"Diffindo!" I cried out.

"Petrifocus Totalus!" I heard James clammer.

"Stupefy!" Voldemort's voice boomed out.

"Relashio!" I shouted.

"We're almost there," James whispered to me, his voice frantic and panicked.

"CRUCI-aghh!" Voldemort screamed as the protection charms around the house activated and he rammed into them. Seconds later, he had disappeared.

++JAMES++

"He's gone, he's gone," I reassured her as I wrapped my arms so tightly around her and buried my lips into her matted hair as we both fell to the grass in exhaustion. "The forcefield has been reactivated. He can't touch us. He's gone, Lily. He's gone. We're okay."

Suddenly, Lily was pounding her tiny little fists into my chest, letting the tears run down her face. "We are not okay," she sobbed, continuing to smack me. "If you think it's okay to rush headfirst into a battle against a hundred Death Eaters without any sort of backup, you're delusional, James! So, no, we are not okay because it's so clear that you are not okay!"

She had a point. I grabbed ahold of her fists, whispering desperately, "I'm sorry, Lily. I'm…I'm so sorry. I-I just…" I trailed off, no legitimate excuses on my tongue.

"You just what?" she snapped, the tears running down her cheeks. And yet, to me, she never looked more beautiful as the moon reflect the vulnerability in her eyes.

"I-I don't know," I admitted in a guilty whisper. "I-I just snapped."

She let out a choked sob, tearing her hands out of mine as she brought them to her face as an attempt to wipe her tears to no avail. "Well, don't," she sobbed, shaking her head vigorously. "Dammit, James, I need you. And I was this close to losing you because of your stupid, rash decision! Don't you get that? This…this can't just be about you. It has to be about all of us."

I know, Lily. Why do you think I did what I did? Because if I had even a slight chance of saving you and everyone else, I was going to take it.

I didn't say that. Instead, I whispered again, "I'm sorry."

I could tell she didn't believe me as the tears fell faster. "Are you? Because frankly, I feel like everything you've been doing lately has led you to this."

Another good point.

"I love you so much, James and…and you…you could have died! How could you do that to me? How could you just rush into battle without…without…" Her sobs overtook her as she brought her hands to her face as an attempt to calm herself.

I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and drew her close to me, kissing her hair and the side of her face and her forehead and her cheek and her ears and her neck. I could barely get any words out so I let my lips show the reassurance and gratitude that we were both safe. Eventually, my mouth met hers in a fiery passion, both of us clinging to each other as if we were the last people on earth. And in that moment, we could have been.

The backyard was completely deserted. We had been so deep into the forest, no one even knew we were still there. Everyone else had clearly retreated. As quickly as the battle begun, it had been over. Neither side was prepared for the full-blown confrontation that they truly aspired for. One day down the line, both sides would be prepared and ready for a fight. That night just wasn't it.

"How could you do that to me?" she repeated when we eventually pulled apart for air. "I-I could have lost you, James. I should have lost you. How…dammit, I hate that you did that! How could you do that?"

"I'm so sorry," I whispered. And I meant it. I truly meant it. All I ever did was love her. And tonight, as much as I tried proving that to myself, all I did was break a lot of hearts. "I am, Lily. I'm so sorry."

Another tear slipped down her cheek as she gazed up at me. "I was so frightened, James," she whispered. "Not for me, but for you. When Sirius said you had rushed into...And th-then I saw you with him…I was so…" she couldn't even finish her sentences, trying hard to catch her breath.

"Shh," I whispered back, my lips right up against her ear as I ran my fingers gently through her hair as my attempt to soothe her. Eventually, my hands framed her face as I kissed her forehead before gazing her in the eyes with as much confidence I could muster. "It's over now. We're both alive. We're safe, Lily. We're fine. We're fine, Lily," I tried to reassure her.

She didn't say anything but I saw a flicker of fear in her eyes. She placed her hands over mine tightly, letting her tears silently slip down her face. "Don't ever do that to me again, James," Lily whispered, her hand brushing up against my hair with a frown. "I love you so much. I-I can't live without you."

I didn't bother responding, embracing her tightly. The problem was I couldn't live without her either. But Voldemort was going to do everything in his power to have me do so.

Lily and I eventually traipsed back into Potter Manor, exhausted but for the most part unharmed, save a few scratches and bruises here and there.

"Where have you been!?"

I felt my mother ram into me for a tight embrace and I dropped Lily's hand from mine. "Mom, I'm fine," I reassured, groaning as she gripped on to me tighter. "But I won't be fine if you crush me."

She let me go, tears streaming down her face. "Everyone else got back forever ago. I was worried sick about you!"

I saw Lily turn away and I had a feeling that in moments like this, she still wished her mother was alive. "We were fighting Voldemort," I murmured.

My mother's voice wasn't the only one to cry out. A chorus of "What!?" filled the kitchen. I whirled around to see half of the Order and the British Auror Department staring back at me. Clearly, most of them had taken refuge there. I immediately searched the room out of habit and was grateful to see that everyone looked fairly uninjured, just like Lily and myself. Kay was flitting around helping with those who did suffer any injuries. I noticed a few other Healers and mediwitches so she must have called in some backup. Based on their dress, they had been at the Ball as well.

"Yeah, Voldemort was here tonight," I sighed, falling into a chair that Sirius had summoned for me.

"What did he want?" my mother asked, confused and overwhelmed.

I didn't really have an answer to that so I didn't respond. I felt Lily come up behind me, her hand being gently placed upon my shoulder. "An ambush," she spoke softly. "That's what he wanted."

"Well, he got it," Sirius snorted, ever the subtle one. "Maybe not the way he wanted, but he definitely got an ambush."

I felt my voice speak up. "Were there any…?" I trailed off, not able to finish the question.

"Casualties?" Remus murmured, meeting my fearful gaze.

I merely nodded.

Silence filled the room. And I suddenly didn't want to hear the answer anymore.

"Two Death Eaters," Moody spoke gruffly. I locked eyes with him, knowing the next words out of his mouth would be names I wouldn't want to hear. "And Benjy Fenwick. He had the unfortunate experience of running into Bellatrix Lestrange."

I saw Lily's hand rush to her mouth in horror but I remained expressionless. At this point, death seemed to be a natural occurrence. The only thing unnatural about it that night was that it had to happen on my property.

"It could have been a lot worse," Dumbledore spoke up, entering the kitchen to let his gaze linger on numerous fatigued and agonized faces. I saw Frank and Alice latched on to each other atop one of the kitchen countertops. Bruises were already forming on Frank's forehead but Alice looked unscathed. Marlene's arms were wrapped tightly around Gideon's body as tears streamed down her face (I thought they were in off mode of their relationship status, but I guess a near death attempt brings people back together). I let out a sigh of relief when I gazed upon Dezzy's brooding face as she buried her head into Drew's chest, both of them getting away with only a few scrapes here and there. Remus looked wary with a black eye, Sirius looked angry with a gash across his forehead, and Peter looked scared with no visible injuries. Nora Gilmore was standing between Lance and Rafe, and Scrimgeour stood in the back of the room, looking rather shell-shocked. Professor McGonagall was leaning up against the pantry, looking rather tiny beside Hagrid. Kinsgley Shacklebolt, Caradoc Dearborn, Dedalus Diggle, Edgar Bones, Dorcas Meadowes, Hestia Jones, John Dawlish stood around the room. The list of people went on. But while most of the people in the room were staring up at Dumbledore in anticipation of whatever he was about to say next, I couldn't help but notice that Sydny was staring at me with an expression of pure tortured guilt framing her face. I had to turn away, knowing that all she wanted for me was to be left alone from Lord Voldemort for longer than a few days.

Dumbledore continued. "We should be thankful to Miss Keegan Rouge and Sirius Black for being observant while on the back patio. We all should all remember to be that vigilant at all times."

"It was Keegan, not me," Sirius murmured, although I could have sworn he was blushing. "She was the one who noticed it. I only confirmed it."

I glanced around the room, realizing that Keegan wasn't there. As Dumbledore continued to speak to all of us, I attempted to slip out of the room unnoticed. I felt Lily, Sydny, and Sirius staring after me but thankfully, none of them came rushing after me. I trudged into the ballroom, surprised to see it virtually empty. Dumbledore must have cleared everyone out once the Death Eaters and Voldemort disappeared. There were a few stray people, and I scowled at the sight of Jasper Malone and his two best cronies, Victor Hans and Baxter McWhinney. They were clearly working on a story angle. I was about to head out in search for Keegan when I paused and changed direction.

"Hey, Malone!" I cried out, frustration seeping in my every vein.

His head shot up and an eager grin spread out across his face. "James," he said with fake sympathy. "How are you feeling? Any sustainable injuries?"

"Oh, cut the crap," I murmured, rolling my eyes. "Have you seen Keegan Rouge?"

Hesitation flickered n his eyes. "Er…why?"

"Because that girl is a goddamned hero and I'd like to thank her for it," I snapped.

Victor and Baxter both attempted to hide their scowls with very little luck. Malone shot them a look. "Hero? How so?"

I frowned. "Have her write the front page story on tonight's attack. She'll explain it all there." I whirled around to head back out.

"She probably went home," Baxter's voice rang out. "Danger isn't exactly her middle name."

I turned back around to glare at him, sensing amusement in his voice. "She's writing an exposé on my family, a family that has dealt with more danger in a few years than you three will ever write about in your entire lifetime! Don't count her out. She's probably around here somewhere getting the real scoop from other guests and Aurors while you three are in here huddled together getting squat." I don't know why these three men rubbed me the wrong way so much but I didn't bother sticking around to hear them attempt to defend themselves. I knew that the wrong person to piss off was the Editor-in-Chief at the Daily Prophet, but Jasper Malone was a power-hungry cheapskate who would do anything for a story.

I sauntered out of the room, knowing that Keegan had to be around here somewhere. In the wake of a story, I couldn't imagine her running home.

There was a small voice in the back of my head that reminded me that she didn't bother to appear at the hospital when Fabian was there. And that was one hell of a story.

I shook the thought from my head as I wandered around my own house. The library, the study, the dining room, the game room, the rec room, the guest corridors, the master suite, the bathrooms, the old house elf's chambers, the east wing. I eventually traipsed up to the west wing of the house where my bedroom resided. I was about to search my room when I saw that the door to Wyatt's room was open a crack. I froze. Not because I was scared but because I could have sworn that the door always remained closed.

The door creaked open as I peeked in. Keegan jumped, whirling around to face me. "James!" she gasped. "I'm…I'm sorry. I shouldn't be in here, I know, but-"

"No worries," I said softly, my eyes flitting around the room slowly. Everything was covered in a thin, no a thick, layer of dust. There were photos covering the walls and his dresser that were hard to see through nine years worth of dust, but I knew what was behind that dust. Photos of he and his friends, photos of his brothers and sister, photos of mom and dad, photos of his ex-girlfriend Emma, etc. I walked over to the dresser and picked one up in particular, my hands shaking. I blew on the dust, coughing as it was thrust up into my face. I felt numb as I glanced down at all of us nearly fifteen years ago at the beach. It was one of the few vacations that my father actually joined us. We all looked so happy. Tears blurred in front of my face as I realized that half the people in that photo were dead.

I dropped it back on to the dresser with a deep sigh, turning away immediately. As I did, my eyes fell upon his wall of fame, a wall that had once been dedicated to old Daily Prophet articles about mainly Brite. As I glanced up at it I was reminded of the fact that it now included nearly as many articled about my father. He had to have been collecting them for years before his disappearance but I deduced that he must have only put them up on his wall shortly before his disappearance.

"It's been a while since you've been in here, hasn't it?"

Keegan's voice made me jump, forgetting that she was there. "The night he left," I said softly, falling on to the edge of Wyatt's messy bed.

"I'm sorry," she said again. "I didn't mean-"

"It's really okay," I urged. And it was.

She frowned. "Are you okay?" she dared to ask, slowly walking over towards me and dropping on to the bed beside me.

I didn't respond. I had no response. Because the answer to that was unequivocally no, but I couldn't bring myself to admit it. But how could I possibly be alright? That night, it wasn't just my property or my party that had been intruded upon. It was my life. And everything had come to a screeching halt when I went head-to-head with Voldemort. This was what the rest of my life was going to be like. And I couldn't invite Lily into that. Not when it meant her life could be over.

I just wasn't exactly sure what that meant.

"James?" she prodded softly.

"What brought you up here?" I muttered, changing the subject.

The frown on her face told me she knew I was changing the subject. "I needed to get away," she sighed, shaking her head slowly. "I've never…I just….things were…"

I glanced at her, seeing how unsettled and frazzled she appeared to be. "You've never been that close to a battle before, have you?"

She slowly shook her head. "I'm a writer. I write about battles. I don't live them," she said, her voice wary with anxiety.

"Keegan-"

"Do you know why I became a writer?" she asked, turning to look at me. Her eyes were wide with angst.

I slowly shook my head. "Why?"

"It was after Tristan died," she said, although I had a feeling that was coming. "I just…I just wanted an explanation," she continued, her voice trembling. "I wanted answers. And I-I felt like being a writer could give me the ability to provide explanations to not only the families that lost loved one but to the entire wizarding world who were desperate for answers. And tonight, I…I wondered if it's better to just leave those explanations and answers hidden forever."

I rested my hand on hers and she flinched slightly, clearly not expecting the intimate gesture. "You can provide me with answers," I said softly.

She met my gaze and offered me a strained frown. "What if you don't want to hear the answers I find?"

I glanced at her, startled. "Why? What do you know?"

"Nothing," she said sincerely, shaking her head. "But sometimes the questions you desperately seek answers for are better left unanswered."

"Keegan, you can't honestly tell me you believe that," I said with a skeptical frown. "You strove for answers for nearly four years. You wondered why it had to be Tristan. You wanted closure from-"

"Aw, jeez, not you, too," she muttered, rushing off the bed with an irritable grunt.

"Er…what?"

She shook her head. "You're right, maybe I did strive for answers to the many questions running around in my head. Maybe I thought I wanted, and even needed, closure. But it didn't change anything," she spoke, her voice catching in her throat. "Tristan is still gone and I'm still heartbroken."

I frowned. "Getting answers isn't about changing the past," I said softly. "It's about giving you the ability to finally move on. But maybe that's why you're so hesitant."

"Excuse me?"

I shrugged. "It's hard letting go of the past. Of the people we used to be. Of the life we used to live," I murmured, my eyes once again resting on the photos lining Wyatt's dresser. "Sometimes it's easier living in the past."

"You sound like Sirius," she muttered irritably.

Once again, I was confused. "What?"

"Nothing," she said quickly. "We should get downstairs before people start to wonder where we are."

"Keegan," I said, reaching out to grab her arm before she could pass by me. "What's going on?"

She whirled around and I saw tears reflecting in her eyes. "Is this what your life is like, James? Do you live your life in constant fear? Do you just wait around for the next tragedy to strike? Because I left that all behind in France! I can't live like that," she snapped. "I ran from that, James."

"Hey, hey, hey," I said soothingly, gazing at her helplessly. "I am not asking you live that life. I'm just asking you to write about it."

She swallowed hard, wiping the tears from her eyes. "How can you be so strong during this whole thing?"

I wanted to laugh. Strong? No way. I may have acted that way, but I felt far from it. My life was falling apart by the minute. How could anyone be strong when their world was crumbling in front of their very eyes?

Finally, I just said, "You're pretty strong yourself, Keegan Rouge. To go through what you have and to still be standing here today. You're pretty inspiring."

She blushed. "Don't use me as your inspiration," she muttered. "If you did, you'd be running away from your problems right now."

That thought did sound appealing. "C'mon," I muttered. "Let's get downstairs."

As I led us out of the room, I couldn't help but realize that the vulnerability and fear that Keegan expressed so openly were the feelings I was desperately trying to suppress. She had had four years to come to terms with her own life falling apart. I just prayed another four years wouldn't go by with me feeling so lost. For once, I just wanted to feel safe.

However, I had a sneaking suspicion that I would never feel that way again.

++SIRIUS++

The kitchen remained crammed with people for hours, all trying to figure out what the next step should be. Moody spent a good twenty minutes screaming at James for being so foolish while Dumbledore tried to calm both of them. Remus, Peter, Dezzy, and Drew retreated back outdoors to be sure that the protective barriers were still solid just in case anyone tried returning. McGonagall, Mrs. P. and Mrs. Gilmore returned to the ballroom to dismiss the guests with as much organization and orderliness as possible. Moody and Scrimgeour left with a mission to speak to all the Heads of Auror Departments throughout the world to discuss upping all training schedules. The only way to beat Voldemort was to be prepared.

Eventually, the kitchen emptied out and I was the last remaining. As I trudged back into the ballroom, I noticed the messy state it was in. I made a note to return the next morning to help with the clean up. The last thing James and Lily needed was to have to do it all on their own.

Speaking of James and Lily, I noticed that they had departed the kitchen hours ago. Lily had looked disheveled, angry even. And I didn't blame her.

I trudged up the stairs and knocked on James' door, pushing it open when there wasn't a response. Lily was asleep, looking impossibly peaceful in James' arms. James' gaze remained sullenly stoic on the window, clearly in another world. "James," I said firmly.

He jumped, startled. "Shh," he spoke, stroking Lily's hair. "She's finally asleep."

I frowned. "Can't imagine how," I drawled bitterly.

He glanced up at me, clearly thrown by the hostility in my voice. He pressed his lips against her forehead and slowly slipped out of bed, trying not to wake her. He met me in the doorway and shut the door behind us both. Before he could ask me what was up, I exploded. "You want to tell me what the hell you think you were doing?" I snapped.

"Er…"

"Why in Merlin's name would you run headfirst into a Death Eater ambush? What could have possibly made you think that that was even remotely a wise decision!?"

"Um…?"

"Did you not even stop for one second to think about how your rash decision would affect the rest of us? Look what happened to Benjy Fenwick!"

"Sirius-"

"Seriously, James, what the hell is the matter with you!?"

"Well-"

"What were you thinking!?"

A pensive frown broke out across his expression as he slowly shrugged. "I was thinking you'd come after me," he said matter-of-factly. "And I was right."

I didn't realize it was possible but that made me even angrier at him. How could he just be so dismissive about this? I wanted to punch him or hex him or throw him down the stairs but I somehow refrained. Instead, I just smacked him on the back of his head.

"OW!" he cried.

"I should be doing worse than that!" I snapped, whirling around to flee downstairs.

"Sirius, c'mon!" he shouted after me, his voice pleading.

I stopped at the top of the stairwell, turning back around to glare at him. "You could have been killed!" I screamed, sure that I was waking up anyone who was trying to sleep. "Would that have made your life easier? Better? Would that have satisfied you, James? This crappy life that you've been handed, do you really think the answer to it is death!?"

"What? Sirius, c'mon, I was-"

"I know that this isn't how you wanted your life to turn out but it's about damned time you just learned to face it instead of running amuck in hopes a better solution will come about! Here's a little tip for you: sending yourself into some sort of suicide mission isn't the answer!"

"I am facing-"

"But hey, if you want to go off and get yourself killed, you go right ahead. But the next time, I might not be so quick to come to your rescue. I can't just stand around waiting until the next time you hit a breaking point, James. I'm not always going to be by your side to save you and hell, after tonight, I don't want to be by your side anymore. I refuse to watch you kill yourself."

"Sirius, please, just-"

"So go right ahead and chase after Voldemort all you want. I guess I've figured out what your New Year's resolution can be."

"Sirius-"

"Have a goddamned Happy New Year," I snarled, my eyes blazing with hatred.

He stared at me in shock but before he could get in another word edgewise, I was taking the stairs by twos and rushing out the door hastily. I wasn't going to let James get away with it this time. Not when he nearly got himself killed. If he wanted to play the role of heroic martyr and die in the process, I couldn't stop him. But I wasn't about to sit back and watch him completely self-destruct without putting my two cents in.

++REMUS++

I had been chatting with Drew and Dezzy in Dezzy's old bedroom (they had decided to say the night there instead of trek home. I think they just wanted to be sure that James and Lily were safe) when I overheard the scuffle between Sirius and James. I leaned up against the doorframe, shutting the door behind me to keep Dezzy and Drew out of it. "He'll get over it."

James emitted a yelp, whirling around. "Merlin, do you think it's a smart decision sneaking up on someone who just faced Voldemort?"

I glared at him. "Do you think it was a smart decision rushing blindly into a battle against a hundred Death Eaters?"

He winced, leaning up against the corridor wall with a sigh. "Not you, too," he murmured. "I already got berated by Lily, got the third degree from Moody, got scolded by Dumbledore, got screamed at by Sydny, got an earful from my mother, and got snapped at by Sirius. What do you have to add that I haven't heard already?"

I merely shrugged, striding past him towards the stairwell. "Nothing," I said coolly, though I certainly didn't blame Sirius for being mad at James. "I have nothing to say to you."

"What the hell do you all want from me!?"

It was the fear in his voice that made me stop. I slowly turned around. "We just want you," I said calmly, shaking my head. "Don't you get that?"

He sighed. "I'm standing right here, am I not?"

"No," I argued, narrowing my eyes. "No, you're not. This is not you. This is some cold, distant, confused, emotionless, workaholic version of you. We want the guy who shows up for Christmas Eve dinner. We want the guy who laughs with us at Joe's. We want the guy who starts drinking games at Blarney's. We want the guy who is never without a smile. I realize that in the last month alone you have been through more than anyone should ever have to deal with. But do you really think pushing away the people that love you is going to change that?"

"Yes!" he shouted, his voice reverberating off the walls. "Dammit, Remus, you don't understand! No one does!"

"Then help me understand!" I snapped.

He froze before slowly shaking his head. "Forget it," he muttered. "I'm getting back to Lily."

I reached out and grabbed his arm. "Stop shutting us out," I pleaded.

He hesitated, slowly retreating his arm from mine. Silence filled the hallway as James fell deep in thought. His gaze eventually met mine. "Would you do anything to save the people you loved, Moony?" he asked, his voice even and calm.

My heart skipped a beat. I let the girl I loved go because I thought she deserved better so yeah, I knew the answer to that question was unequivocally yes. "Why do you ask?"

"Answer the question."

"James," I warned.

"You would," he answered for me, shaking his head. "If you had to die for them, you would."

"I wouldn't go looking for death!"

He sighed, cringing once again. "Alright, that may not have been my finest hour," he muttered in shame, "But I-I just want it all to be over, y'know?"

"I know," I sighed. "But you're not going to be able to end this war yourself, James. You can't fix it single-handedly. So stop acting like you're all alone in this and let us help."

He turned his gaze away and I knew no matter what I had to say, he wouldn't be able to listen. He was too deep in his blame and guilt to be buried out of it by a few words from someone who couldn't seemingly understand what he was thinking. I could try and understand but it was obvious to me that James didn't really want anyone understanding. He was dealing with too much already; he didn't want to bring anyone else into his mindset. It was why he kept himself at a distance. Not because he was afraid, which he was, but because he didn't want anyone feeling what he was feeling.

And I think was the hardest thing for me to grasp. I had been best friends with James for over ten years and yet I couldn't say or do a damned thing to make him feel even the slightest bit secure. None of us could. He really did feel alone. And what killed me was that there were hundreds of people who really were alone in this world and James certainly wasn't one of them.

When I glanced at him, I saw defeat staring back at me. "You would do anything for those you loved." Before I could respond, he responded for me. "And so would I."

"James-"

"Good night, Remus," he said dismissively as he turned his back on me and headed back into his room, shutting the door in my face.

I sighed. "And a Happy New Year to you, too, James."

++JAMES++

I was the talk of the Auror office the next morning. Everywhere I went, I noticed eyes staring at me, I heard the frantic whispers, and I saw the pointing. But you don't do a stupid thing like running headfirst into a battle against a hundred Death Eaters without being the subject of office gossip.

As I slid into my chair early, I desperately tried to forget about the argument I had shared with Sirius the night before and the words that Remus spoke to me. I knew they both had a right to be frustrated and mad. Truth was, I was frustrated and mad at myself for the way I've been acting. But what else was I supposed to do? I was trapped in a world I so desperately wanted out of. I knew I had family, I knew I had friends, and I knew I had Lily. But for how long? And was it enough?

As I recalled the way Voldemort tried going after Lily, I knew I couldn't live like this anymore. It's like I told Remus: I would do anything for those I loved. Especially Lily. So what was my next move?

I knew what I should do. What I had to do to keep her safe.

I just wasn't so sure I could go through with it.

++KEEGAN++

I found myself reading through the letters Wyatt wrote to Sydny when he was working with Voldemort at any moment I had. There was a lot of information in there that shed light to so much over the past seven years. Wyatt mentioned so many people and places that I remembered. I read about Muggle deaths and those who tried defying Voldemort. I recognized names of people who had become Death Eaters and I recognized names of those who had died innocently. Wyatt warned Sydny of certain plans and as a reporter, I did my research and realized just how many people she had saved from death. She really had been a hero. Actually, he had been a hero.

I was in the middle of one of Wyatt's letters late that night when there was a knock on the door. When I opened it, someone was standing there with today's front page of the Daily Prophet held up in front of his face. "Sirius," I groaned, swiping the newspaper out of his hand.

"Nice article," he said with a grin, trying to grab the paper back from me with no success.

"Wow, a compliment. Didn't know you had it in you," I drawled, crumpling the newspaper up in my hand. "What are you doing here?"

"Complimenting you apparently," he teased. "Or I guess complimenting Kevin Rouge."

I made a face. "It was Malone's stipulation. I could write the article but couldn't put my actual name on it."

"I'm just impressed he actually let you write it."

"Apparently I should be thanking James."

Confusion crossed Sirius' face. "What?"

"Yeah, that was my reaction, too," I said with a shrug. "Malone didn't tell me more than that. You'd have to ask James yourself."

He frowned. "No, thanks," he muttered, rolling his eyes. "Anyway, I just thought-"

"You mad at him for last night?" I interrupted, sensing hostility in his voice.

"Wouldn't you be?" he snorted. "I didn't come here to talk about him, alright? I just wanted to tell you that the article about last night's ambush was well-written."

I narrowed my eyes at him. "What aren't you saying?"

He shrugged. "You kinda forgot to mention the fact that it was you who saved the night."

"I didn't do anything but point out a few lights in the distance," I murmured. "I wasn't the one fighting those goddamned Death Eaters. I wasn't the one fighting Voldemort. I'm tired of people trying to pin me as the hero. You're the hero, Sirius, not me."

He looked taken aback but considering I've never even attempted a compliment his way, I wasn't surprised. "None of us would have been prepared to fight them if it wasn't for you pointing out those few lights, Keegan."

"You're the one who flew into action, were you not?"

"Only because you gave me the reason to."

"For a battle that lasted a few hours, I was a part of it for a few seconds, Sirius!"

"Do you realize that those Death Eaters would have broken through those protective barriers and come barreling into Potter Manor unbeknownst to any of us if you hadn't noticed them on the perimeter of the forest? Do you know how many people could have died last night? Stop counting yourself out in all of this."

"Are we seriously arguing about this?" I groaned irritably.

He cracked a smile. "Well, we argue about everything else. Why not argue about our heroic tendencies?"

I shot him a look. "I'm no hero. I may be observant, and perhaps because of my observation, lives were saved. But that doesn't make me a hero, Sirius."

A frown slowly crept on to his lips. "Why are you so determined to not call yourself a hero?"

"Why are you so determined to call me one?"

I was shocked to see helplessness in his eyes. "I'm…I'm really sorry for what I said yesterday," he blurted out. "About Tristan. I never would have been able to forgive myself if-"

"Alright, hold it right there," I interrupted, shooting him a look. "Don't you dare get all sappy on me now, Black. I told you yesterday I didn't want an apology. Nothing has changed since then."

"Except for the fact that Death Eaters and Voldemort nearly ambushed a thousand people last night, including you and me."

"We're alive, are we not?"

"Benjy Fenwick isn't," he muttered.

I met his gaze. "And that's what makes him a hero."

To that, he couldn't argue.

++SIRIUS++

We stared at each other sullenly. Awkwardly. She finally opened her door further and nodded towards her apartment. "You coming in?"

My eyebrow quirked instinctively. "You're actually inviting me in?"

"Er…yes? Did you not get that from my 'you coming in' question?"

"Why?" I asked, shocked.

"I don't know, because we're being slightly creepy loitering in the hallway?" she snorted, rolling her eyes. "I mean, seriously, what kind of question is that?"

I shot her a look. "This is typically the part where you say good-bye and slam the door in my face, so I think I'm allowed to be a bit surprised."

"Are you coming in or not, Sirius?"

"Yes. But only because I'm curious what you're up to."

Once again, her eyes rolled but she didn't wait for me as she whirled around and headed towards her living room couch. I shrugged before following her, shutting the door behind me. "Should I offer myself a beer or what?"

She glared at me. "You raid my refrigerator enough, Black. I'm surprised you feel the need to actually be offered a beverage."

"Fair point," I said with a teasing grin as I headed into her kitchen. I cracked open a beer before heading back into her living room. "Alright, have at it. What do you want from me?"

"Nothing," she urged, shaking her head.

I rolled my eyes and was about to call bullshit on the matter when a pile of parchment on her coffee table caught my eye. I picked up a letter but before I could get very far, she was ripping it out of my hands. "Don't you ever mind your own business?" she scowled, hastily collecting the letters into her arms.

"No," I said bluntly. "What are they?"

"It's called a letter," she spoke dryly. "I didn't think you were that ignorant."

I glared at her. "Who wrote them?"

"Does it matter?"

A sly grin broke across my face, recognizing her irritation. "Clearly it does."

Her lips pursed hesitantly before sighing. "They're the letters that Wyatt wrote to Sydny while he was undercover with Voldemort."

I froze, vaguely realizing that my jaw was dropping. "How…" I didn't even get to finish my sentence.

"Sydny thought they would be useful for the exposé."

"Are they? Useful I mean?"

She glanced down at the letters in her hand. "They're certainly captivating," she murmured. "It's no wonder her nickname is Slaughterhouse Syd. Wyatt pretty much did the research and she just showed up on the scene in the nick of time to kick some pathetic, measly Death Eater arse."

I snickered. "How descriptive."

She shrugged, reaching over to swipe the beer from my hand. I scowled as she took a swig and handed it back to me. "Can I ask you something?" she said hesitantly.

"Sure."

"What's the Order of the Phoenix?"

Once again, I froze in shock. How did she know about that? I stalled by sipping my beer leisurely. "I don't know," I eventually lied with a shrug. "Should I know what that is?"

Her eyes narrowed defensively. "Don't play coy with me, Black. I know you know what it is."

I leaned back against the couch with pursed lips. "Doesn't mean I'm going to tell a reporter what it is."

She frowned. "I'm not asking as a reporter," she said softly. "I'm asking a concerned friend."

I snorted. "Since when?"

She glared at me. "Sirius, this is completely off the record," she swore. "I'm asking because I know my friends are all a part of some dangerous organization and I want to know what they're getting themselves into."

"We knew what we were getting ourselves into the moment Dumbledore requested our presence in the Order," I sighed. "You don't need-"

"So this was Dumbledore's doing?"

I swore. "Seriously, Rouge, this needs to be off the record," I pleaded. And I never plead. "Otherwise, you're putting a whole lot of people in immense danger."

"Oh, right, because you don't all do that to yourselves already," she muttered, turning away from me.

I frowned. "We did have a choice in the matter," I spoke. "We chose to fight."

I saw her shake her head slightly. Whether it was out of disappointment or fear or defensiveness, I didn't know. But I continued, my voice still filled with a slight pleading. "Do you remember what happened to Mariana Humphries?"

She blinked, clearly confused. "Yeah," she said softly. "Wasn't she a big part of the reason so many people died on that west coast attack back in October? Including herself?"

I nodded. "Yeah," I murmured sullenly. "And if information about the Order of the Phoenix gets in the wrong hands, there's going to be another attack like that one. Except on a much larger scale."

She met my beseeching gaze and slowly nodded. "I already said this was off the record," she spoke carefully. "And I meant it. So you can stop scaring the hell out of me and just tell me."

My frown deepened hesitantly, my gaze never faltering from hers. I felt my heart slowly start to race at the idea of telling a report all about a secret organization designed to destroy Voldemort. But for some absurd reason I would never be able to justify, I trusted her. I cleared my throat. "Do you remember why Voldemort went after Mariana Humphries?"

She nodded slowly. "Yeah. She was trying to form a group in the States devised to focus their time and energy on abolishing Voldemort."

My lips pursed instinctively as I offered her a single curt nod. I didn't say anything, but I saw her eyes widen slightly at the implication. "Holy Merlin, you're telling me there's a group like that here in Britain?"

I shrugged.

"And you're in it."

It wasn't a question. I merely nodded.

"Are you bloody insane?"

I blinked. "Hm, not the reaction I was expecting."

"You're all going to get yourself killed one day," she snapped.

I rolled my eyes, unperturbed by her shock and frustration. "We're at war, Rouge. Some people might be living in denial, but there's no way around it. Innocent people are dying every damned day and I'm not going to stand around and watch as more die! So-"

"You don't think I know that people are dying every day?" she muttered, her eyes narrowing irritably. "I work for the goddamned Daily Prophet for Merlin's sake. And I happen to have lost my fiancé to Voldemort. So I know that people are dying every damned day, Black. That doesn't mean you should be out there asking for death."

I merely shrugged. "We're at a point in this war that people need to start figuring out where their loyalties lie. People need to start picking sides. We-"

"Between life or death?" she snorted.

I slowly shook my head. "No," I said softly. "Between fighting for your life or living it in fear."

I saw her jawline tighten. "Fighting for your life?" she repeated slowly. "In other words, you're fighting to the death."

"That's the glass-half-empty side of things," I said with a teasing grin.

She met my gaze. "I don't find this amusing."

"Yeah, well I have to," I urged, sighing deeply. "Because if I don't, everything…" I trailed off, my heart slowly constricting at the idea of all the tragedy that has struck me and my friends.

"Becomes real?" she finished.

I hesitated before shaking my head. "It's already real," I murmured. "I just can't let it consume me."

"Like how Riley's departure consumed you?"

I glanced at her, startled. She cringed and I had a feeling she hadn't meant to say that aloud.

"Sorry," she said hastily. "I didn't mean to bring her up."

I shrugged. "You're right, though," I muttered. "I'm sure I don't have to explain this to you, but…I mean, for months after she walked out on me, I was a mess." I cringed, realizing how pathetic that sounded which just seriously depressed me. I hastily added, "I-I don't ever want to go back to that dark time in my life."

"Well, you're right, too," she murmured, frowning as she met my gaze. "You don't have to explain it to me."

Somehow, that depressed me even more.

++JAMES++

I spent most of New Year's Day cleaning up the ballroom. Sirius, Remus, and Peter stopped in briefly to help but Sirius refused to even look or talk to me, spending most of his time helping Lily in the kitchen. I tried talking to Remus about it, but he refused to get involved as he just pleaded with me to get my act together because they all missed the old James.

I didn't bother commenting on that. I missed the old James, too, but he died the moment Voldemort started messing with his family.

Eventually, the Marauders and it was just me and Lily alone in the house. She continued cleaning the kitchen while I cleared the ballroom and I was grateful for it, using that time to reflect on the ambush that could have happened the night before if Keegan and Sirius hadn't been there to halt it before anything could happen. We could have lost a lot more people than just Benjy if the Death Eaters had been able to penetrate the forcefields and ambush the manor. I don't know what I would have done if a battle occurred in my own home.

"Hey, there."

I jumped at the sound of my mother's voice, turning around to see her walking into the ballroom.

"This place looks good. Did the guys come over and help?"

I made a face. "You don't think I could do this by myself?"

"I think Lily could."

I chuckled. "She does know her way around a vacuum."

"Where is she now?"

"Kitchen," I responded, levitating the folding chairs into the corner of the room. "So I doubt you've stopped by to talk about Lily's cleaning skills, so what's up, Mom?"

She frowned, slowly walking my way. "I'm worried about you," she said softly.

Who isn't. "You don't need to be," I argued quickly. "I'm fine."

"You aren't," she said with a sigh, shaking her head. "You've been dealing with a lot, James, but I just want to make sure that no matter what happens that it doesn't affect the way you live for your life."

"I am living my life."

"By running into a battle against a hundred Death Eaters?"

I frowned. "I just want this war to be over."

She offered me a sad smile. "I know. It's what we all want," she spoke. "But the only thing that's going to be over if you choose to go looking for a fight is you. I've already lost three sons, James. I can't lose you, too."

I winced at the heartbreak in her voice. "Mom, you really don't have to worry about me," I pleaded. "Last night, I-I just snapped. That was all."

"And who's to say you won't snap again?"

Oh, I'm sure I would. "I can't say it won't happen again," I admitted with a sigh. "But what does everyone expect from me? People are dying every day. My friends and family are being targeted. I wake up every morning wondering who I was going to lose next. I considered it a successful day when no one I knew died! I can't live like this anymore, Mom. I just…it needs to stop."

I saw the utter sympathy in her eyes before she even spoke. My mother and I have always been close but we have actively avoided talking about this war together, both of us filled with so much fear for the future of our family. I knew her heart had broken the moment we lost Brite and it's never been put back together again. I just wanted everything to be okay. Not just for me but for her, too.

"Oh, honey," she whispered, placing her hands on my shoulders. "You can't stop Voldemort all by yourself. You've got to stop thinking it's all up to you. We are all doing our part to ensure Voldemort is destroyed but it's not going to happen overnight."

"I'm not naïve enough to think it's going to happen overnight," I contested with a shrug. "I'm just tired of Voldemort constantly going after us and yet we can't seem to the same with him."

A frown crept on to my mother's face as she swept a messy hair from my face. "You remind me so much of your father."

I blinked. "What?"

"He spent all his time tracking Voldemort and his Death Eaters. He was determined to put in the endless hard work in order to give his children a better future."

Even after everything that had happened between my mother and father, it was evident she still loved him very much. I frowned, taking a step back from my mother. "Maybe I'm just trying to do what he couldn't."

I could see the surprise and hurt displayed in my mother's eyes. "He died protecting the people he loved, James."

"And I'm trying to do the same, Mom!"

She hesitated. "Protect or die?"

"Mom."

"Don't 'Mom' me. I think it's actually a legitimate question considering your actions from last night."

"You already berated me for that so can we please not do this again?"

She frowned again. "I'm not trying to berate you. I'm just trying to understand what's going through your head."

"It's nothing new," I argued defensively. "I'm always going to focus on what can be done to take down Voldemort. Always."

She let out a deep sigh and I knew she didn't entirely believe me. "Okay," she said reluctantly, gazing at me with intense scrutiny. "But please don't lose sight of who you are while doing so, James."

I glanced up at my mother and lied straight to her face. "I won't."

++KEEGAN++

It was two days later and I couldn't get Sirius' words out of my head. I didn't consider myself a coward of any sort but the idea of being in an organization that was actively hunting Voldemort made me shudder. I obviously knew what he was capable of, and you're probably wondering why I wouldn't want to join the Order just to be able to get revenge on the guy who had no problem killing my fiancé, but I didn't want to see anyone else I knew get hurt. And it was pretty obvious that nearly all of my friends were members of this Order of the Phoenix.

I was at work ignoring the deadlines on my desk and instead sifting through some of Wyatt's letters. There were hundreds of them. I hadn't counted, way too many too count, but if I had I probably would have counted at least six hundred. Most of the letters weren't very long. Not more than a paragraph or so. Some were longer but most only provided brief information on some sort of upcoming mission the Death Eaters had planned. Wyatt was definitely thorough, giving as much information as possible. I found myself easily captivated as I read through them.

That day, my eye got caught on a crumpled letter due to the fact that it was the shortest one I've seen. And as I read it, I could see why. My whole body froze, my mouth growing dry as I read the words. My hand started shaking as I attempted to catch my breath. My eyes were drawn to one word on the page.

Moreau.

As in Tristan.

A/N: Well, that was an action-packed chapter...with yet again, another cliffhanger. ::Ducks as tomatoes get thrown at her:: Please read and review!