A/N: So many reviews! I can't say thank you enough for everyone who is spending their time not only reading my story but also reviewing! I know last chapter couldn't have been everyone's favorite because most of you think James is being a prat. Well, let me tell you something: I agree! But what would you do if everyone around you was being picked off one-by-one by the most dangerous villain? I know he's not your favorite character at the moment, but let him brood and sulk so he can figure out exactly what he wants out of his life. In the meantime, here's another chapter for you. I have a feeling more than tomatoes will be thrown at me after this one...

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling, how I love thee and your ownership to all things Harry Potter.

Goodbyes on the Balcony

By ByeByeBirdie

Chapter 24: Of Tequila, Sex, & Selfishness

++KEEGAN++

I hadn't gone over to Sirius' flat with any intention whatsoever with snogging the guy. In fact, I hadn't intended to go over to Sirius' flat at all. I was perfectly content drinking myself into a stupor, looking at old photos of myself and Tristan, and putting it all to rest. But as I finished off a six-pack of beer all by myself with nothing but my depressing thoughts, the idea of putting it to rest seemed far-fetched. So instead of drowning myself in my ridiculous sorrows, the idea of company sounded a lot more inviting. When I headed over to Sirius' and Remus' flat, I had assumed they would both be there and I could suggest a Blarney's trip. And if they hadn't answered the door, then my guess would have been they were at Blarney's and that's where I would have trekked to next. Everything had changed when Sirius and Sirius alone answered the door.

It wasn't really registering with me that I was snogging Sirius Black. Later, I blamed the alcohol. At that moment, I didn't blame anything. I was perfectly alright with where this was heading. I was vulnerable, I was in despair, and I was hurting. Knowing that Sirius Black knew exactly what that felt like, in a weird way, drew me closer to him that evening.

I climbed on top of him, straddling his already excited lap, very aware of his hands slowly slipping down my back. "Are we really kissing right now?" I whispered, momentarily taking my lips off of his.

"Not when you're talking," he said with a teasing smile.

I smirked, our lips once again coming together frantically. "Are you always Mr. Jokester?"

"Pretty much," he whispered, his fingers slowly crawling up the inside of my shirt against my bare back.

I felt a shiver run down my spine at the warm touch and I pressed my body up against his in primitive response. "Where's Remus?" I asked breathlessly.

A smirk appeared on his face. "Why? Want to make this a threesome?"

I sat back, shooting him a look. "Don't be crass."

"Ironic coming from you right now," he teased.

I shut him up by crashing my mouth hard against his. "I was asking about Remus, you total arse," I said with a snicker, "Because I was wondering if he was home and going to awkwardly walk in on us."

He grinned, reaching for the hem of my shirt and pulling it over my head. As he let it fall to the floor, he said, "No, he's in France with Peter for the night. We're home-free."

I ripped open his button-down shirt, buttons flying in every direction. "Good," I whispered. "I have a feeling it's going to get hot in here."

"I have a feeling it already has."

I chuckled, stripping off my bra to expose my breasts. He grinned, pressing his lips to my right breast as his hands started tangling through my hair. "Now this is more of what I had in mind for my Friday night," he teased.

I rolled my eyes. "Shut up and fuck me, Black."

He grinned as my hands fumbled with his jeans. "Whatever you say, Miss Rouge," he whispered, his lips finding mine. "Whatever you say."

++SIRIUS++

Keegan was throwing her T-shirt back on over her head as I reached for my jeans. I gazed over at her, still a little thrown over the fact that I just had very hot, raunchy sex with Keegan Rouge. A girl who I thought hated every fiber of my being. I guess hate was code word for secret lust. Eh, or at least drunken lust.

"Stop staring at me," she said with a chuckle, wiggling into her sweatpants. Sweatpants that I was weirdly turned on by.

I grinned, not bothering to reach for my shirt. The buttons were all missing anyway. "We don't need to discuss this, do we?"

She snorted. "Merlin, I hope not."

I laughed. I never actually knew the girl had humor inside of her that wasn't mean and cynical. "I knew there was a reason I liked you."

"Hm," she mused. "I didn't know you liked me at all."

I shrugged. "You're not half-bad," I said, winking at her.

"He says after having sex with said half-bad girl."

I chuckled again, watching as she threw her hair up into a messy ponytail. She had a smile on her face. A smile I was still trying to get used to. Typically, she had a surly smirk framing her cautious expressions. Cynicism and despair often gleamed in her eyes. Or at least when they weren't completely vacant. And suddenly, things had changed for her. An odd sense of complacency filled her every movement. It was a new Keegan Rouge. And I didn't hate it.

"Seriously, stop staring," she whined, grabbing her wand and sticking it in her back pocket. "I'm heading out now, but thanks for tonight." She wiggled her eyebrows at me before heading towards the door.

"Rouge, wait," I stopped her.

She hesitated at the door before turning around. "We don't need to talk about this, Black."

"No, I know," I said dismissively. "I…I just want to make sure you're alright."

Surprise shone in her eyes as she shrugged. "Hm, that's a weird question to ask me after what just happened between us."

I shot her a look. "Considering you weren't my biggest fan and yet we just slept together, I think that begs the question if everything is alright with you."

A hint of blush fell upon her cheeks as she shrugged. "I'm fine, Black," she urged. "It…it's been an interesting day, I won't deny that. I should be in a bad place after what I found out, but I'm oddly okay. Er…I guess thanks for being there for me."

"Oh, like I'm complaining about that," I teased.

"You're being crass again."

"It's what I do best."

"I know." She smiled. "Good night, Sirius."

I don't know why, but this may have been the first time ever having slept with a girl that I felt weird watching her walk away. I felt as if something was off. I was more than happy to not discuss what just went down between us, but as I watched Keegan leave my flat, I wondered what had really been going through her mind when she had first walked into my flat. Was she really okay? I didn't know the answer to that question. But the unusual glint of happiness in her eyes told me that perhaps she would be. Maybe this was just her attempt at moving on.

I should have just headed to bed, putting that evening to rest. But as I reached for my wand to fix the buttons on my shirt, I somehow felt compelled to get out of there. I felt slightly trapped and confused over the occurrences that happened that evening and I needed to clear my head.

I wasn't surprised that I found myself at Blarney's. I wandered into the very crowded bar and was surprised to see a flash of red hair perched on a stool at the bar. I meandered through the crowd as best I could before plopping myself on to the empty stool beside Lily. "Lily-bean? What are you doing here?"

She turned towards me and immediately, I knew something was terribly wrong. Her eyes were completely bloodshot and her face was streaked with mascara. Her expression was filled with immense sadness and she looked like she was about seconds away from bursting into tears. "It's Friday night," she muttered. "Where else would I be?"

That was supposed to be my line. I couldn't figure out if she was mocking me or if she really felt as if she had nowhere else to be on a Friday night. "How about hanging out with your boyfriend on your Anniversary?" I snickered.

Her head spun so fast my way, I wouldn't have been surprised if it had fallen off. Her eyes widened, her mouth dropping open slightly. "You…you know it's our Anniversary?"

Uh-oh. That didn't sound too promising. "Er…yeah. Of course. Why?"

She sighed and clinked the ice in her now empty drink. "Well, that makes one of you."

I hesitated, slightly confused. "What?"

"Nothing," she whispered hoarsely, her eyes suddenly brimming with uncontrollable tears. "I really don't want to talk about it."

I narrowed my eyes in scrutiny, suddenly realizing that she was wearing one hell of a sexy cocktail dress. And then I next noticed her tear-stained cheeks. I gasped. "Oh, bloody hell, do not tell me that my arse of a best friend forgot your Anniversary."

She bit down quickly on her bottom lip, clearly trying to stop the tears from falling. Unfortunately, they slipped out anyway. "Whatever, it doesn't even matter anymore," she choked out, swiping underneath her eyes.

"Of course it matters!" I snapped, frustration coursing through my every vein. James Potter may have been avoiding and ignoring all of us for weeks, months even, but to forget his four-year Anniversary with the girl he loved? He was a dead man. "I'm going to murder that kid!"

Lily's bottom lip trembled, blinking the tears away. "Not if I kill him first," she whispered. She sighed, holding up her glass. "Melinda! Need another!"

I caught Melinda's eye and saw her frown. I sighed. "I guess I'll have what she's having," I said with a shrug.

Melinda walked over to me and reached for a half-empty bottle of tequila, placing it in front of me. "Might just be faster to stick a straw in the bottle and drink straight from it."

I quirked an eyebrow. "What?"

She nodded towards the bottle. "She already pretty much drank half of it."

I gaped at her. "She drank a half bottle of tequila!?" I hissed.

Melinda shrugged. "I tried cutting her off and she threw a lime at me."

That would have amused me if the whole situation didn't frighten me slightly. I glanced over at Lily, who was glaring at the both of us. "She deserved it," she muttered. She reached for the bottle, but I quickly took it out of her reach.

She looked far worse off than someone who felt cheated by her boyfriend forgetting their Anniversary. Something was seriously wrong. "Lily, what the hell is going on?"

She scowled and slumped down on the stool without answering.

I sighed and glanced up at Melinda. "She say anything to you?"

Melinda shrugged, shaking her head. "Nah, but I've found that in situations like these, the person either lost their job, a break-up occurred, or someone died."

My gaze fell upon Lily, wondering if I've ever seen her look like such a hot mess before. "You didn't really kill James, did you?" I asked with a smile, trying to get her to laugh just a little. She clearly needed it.

She didn't laugh. She didn't even smile. She just shook her head, the tears once again blurring in front of her emerald eyes. "No," she muttered. "And I didn't lose my job either."

Huh? "What?"

"Nothing, Sirius. Just…just give me the damned tequila," she whispered desperately, her voice cracking as a new set of tears spilled out.

I glanced back over at Melinda with a sigh and was surprised to see complete shock registering on her face as she stared incredulously at Lily with widened eyes. "Are you…are you saying what I think you're saying, Lily?" she said softly.

Okay, now I was even more confused. "What? What's she saying?"

Lily's eyes shut as she attempted to furiously swipe underneath them as if she didn't want to be that girl in the bar bawling her eyes out. "Just get me another drink please," she whispered hoarsely.

"Tequila doesn't make your problems go away," Melinda spoke.

"What?" I asked again, looking back and forth between a horrified Melinda and a depressed Lily.

Lily glared at Melinda. "I don't need a psychology lesson. I just want to forget tonight ever happened, Melinda, and I'm pretty sure tequila is going to do that."

"What happened tonight?" I whined.

Melinda didn't respond. She merely opened the tequila bottle to pour another margarita for her.

"Melinda!" I chastised, glaring at her. "Don't give the girl any more alcohol. She's clearly had enough."

She sighed, meeting my gaze with a deeply saddened expression. "Sirius," she said softly.

"What?"

She snuck a peek towards Lily who was clearly trying to ignore us and let out a deep sigh. She blinked before turning back to me, sadness filling her eyes quickly. "She and James broke up," she spoke softly.

My initial reaction was to burst into laughter, shaking my head. "No way," I argued. "Not possible."

Before Melinda could respond, Lily turned to me and cleared her throat. "Apparently it is possible because it happened," she whispered, suddenly looking very sober and very damaged.

I gaped at her, my whole body freezing in complete shock and horror. I had to pause that moment in time as I tried to register what she had just said. It took me quite a few seconds to regain my composure. "What!?" I screeched.

"You heard me," she choked out, her voice cracking once again.

I blinked, in complete disbelief. Seriously. I didn't believe it. At all. It was James and Lily. James and Lily. I don't care if he was being a distant robot recently. I never once thought that it would lead to this. "But…but…how?"

She found a sudden interest in fingering the straw in her empty margarita. "Well," she whispered, biting down on her tongue, "When the guy you've been with for four years up and tells you he doesn't love you anymore, that usually signals the end of the relationship."

"He did what!?" my voice rang out throughout the bar. "Are you sure!?"

I cringed at the glare I received from the fiery redhead. "Do you really think I misheard the words 'I don't love you anymore?'" Her words were angry and filled with shame.

"Er…no," I murmured, slumping down guiltily. "Bloody hell, I really am going to murder that kid with my bare hands!"

"Get in line," she whispered, not even bothering to attempt to wipe the tears away that were furiously slipping down her cheeks. A sob escaped her lips and she brought her hands to her face to try to mask the pain I know she was feeling.

I instinctively wrapped my arms around her shoulders and drew her close to me, feeling an overwhelming feeling of sympathy coursing through me as the girl that had always been so stable fell apart in my arms with uncontrollable sobs.

I sighed, glancing back towards Melinda. "We're going to need an army full of tequila shots."

She nodded. "I'm on it."

When she brought them back, I slid one Lily's way. "Do you want to talk about it?" I dared to ask.

She didn't respond, taking a gulp of tequila.

"I wish I could tell you what was going through my best friend's mind, Lily-bean," I spoke softly.

"Does it matter?" she responded in a hoarse whisper. "He fell out of love with me. That's all I really need to know, Sir-"

"No, I refuse to believe that that's all this is," I argued firmly, shaking my head. "He's been going through a lot, Lily, and he just got caught up in the war."

"He told me he didn't love me," she snapped. "I think that's a bit more than just getting 'caught up in the war.'"

She had a point.

"I wish I could make sense of all this for you," I said softly.

"There's nothing to make sense of, Sirius," she whispered. "It's clear he stopped loving me a long time ago and only now just got the courage to tell me."

It broke my heart to hear her talk this way. So I tried to reroute the conversation. "Alright, how about we just take a shot for everything we hate about James Potter?"

She turned to me in surprise, skepticism in her eyes. "What?"

I shrugged, gesturing towards Melinda. "Hey, Mel, we are-"

"Don't call me Mel."

"-going to need that entire bottle of tequila and two shot glasses."

She gave me a look. "I am not giving you the entire bottle-"

"Here's thirty galleons. Will that suffice?"

She hesitated, shrugging. "Alright then," she said, grabbing the tequila and two shot glasses and sliding them towards me.

I poured two tequila shots and passed one to Lily, holding mine up. "I hate James Potter for hurting you," I spoke, downing the shot without hesitation.

She glanced curiously at me. "That's supposed to be my line," she murmured, tossing the shot down her throat. Her words were definitely slurring by this point. But hell, if talking wasn't going to work, I was more than willing to try alcohol.

"I hate him for running into an ambush on New Year's Eve," I said, pouring another shot and drinking it.

"I hate him for pushing me away for so long." Another shot.

"I hate him for losing himself."

"I hate him for buying a bloody engagement ring and not doing anything with it."

Ouch. "I hate him for being so afraid of marrying you."

She turned to me and I saw the tears glistening in her eyes. She didn't speak immediately, her eyes glazing over as she stared at the bar counter with a defeated expression. She finally sighed, turning towards me slowly. "I hate that I don't really hate him," she whispered, choking up. She didn't even bother pouring a shot. She grabbed the bottle and took a large swig. "Dammit, how can I still love him after what he did?"

I grabbed the bottle from her and took a swig myself. "You can't just get over loving someone in one night who you've loved for four years," I said softly.

She didn't respond immediately, gesturing for the bottle. I gave it to her. "I really wish I could, Sirius," she murmured. "I really wish I could."

I didn't have anything to say to that so I merely grabbed the bottle and finished off the tequila. I was definitely buzzed by this point, if not more, and Lily was clearly sloshed. Looking back, I wish I would have used that a sign to go home as it was clear neither one of us were in any state to continue drinking.

Instead, I bought another bottle from Melinda.

++LILY++

My head was pounding. Literally pounding. As if someone was tapping drumsticks against my forehead. I could hear a parade of drums running through my mind. It wasn't pretty and it was making me nauseous.

Or maybe that was due to the room spinning. My eyes were opened slightly and my room was swirling in a cross-eyed fashion. Wait, no, this wasn't my room. Which any other time may have concerned me, but I was just trying to piece together what had happened the night before that where I ended up didn't make a difference to me. I remember tequila, Blarney's, Sirius showing up at some point, and a nightmare involving James telling me he didn't love me.

Oh wait, that wasn't a nightmare. That was real.

I could feel an onset of tears rushing to my eyes again and I couldn't let myself cry again. If I started, I wasn't so sure I'd be able to stop. The pain in my heart was so intense, it was completely unbearable. I could literally feel my heart shattering into a million pieces and it didn't feel good. But I couldn't focus on it in fear of drastically falling apart in a matter of seconds. So I once again chose to divert my attention on the fact that I was definitely not in my bedroom.

Oh, and the fact that I was naked.

I cringed, turning to my right to see who was sleeping beside me and suddenly let out a loud gasp, followed by, "OH MY GOD!" before rushing out of the bed, pulling the bedspread with me to cover myself.

"What? What? What happened!?" a drowsy male voice spoke from the bed.

My hands were in front of my face as Sirius Black sat upright in bed, clearly confused. He first noticed that he was not wearing any clothing before letting his eyes meet mine. I peeked through my fingers and watched as the realization set in. "No, seriously, what happened?" he asked in a panicked voice, his eyes widening in horror.

"I don't know," I whispered, my voice cracking.

He slowly shook his head, his eyes not wavering from mine. "Well, I don't know either."

He sat there with the sheets drawn up to his chest as I stood hovering in the corner of his room as we stared at each other with a combination of shock, disbelief, panic, and most definitely confusion. Neither of us spoke for a long time as we both tried to piece together the events of the prior night. I could tell by the way his eyes were squinted that he was having a tough time remembering as well. Which should have brought some sort of relief to me but didn't. It just made me feel even worse.

Worst. Night. Ever.

"Well…um…" he started, clearing his throat. "Does it count if neither of us remembers it?"

I attempted to glare at him but it just came out as a guilty expression. "We will never speak of this again," I whispered. "Never. Whatever did or did not happen last night stays in this room and stays between us. I will get changed quickly and walk out of here as if this never happened. You got that, Black?"

He met my gaze but didn't say anything. "I'm really sorry, Lily-bean," he said, his voice soft with agony.

"Jeez, it's not your fault," I murmured. "There were two people involved, right?"

"No, not about that," he spoke, slowly shaking his head. "About…about you and James."

I cringed as I felt the tears welling up inside of me. But there was no way in hell I was going to attempt to wallow in the room where just a few hours prior, I was having sex with Sirius Black. And there was no way in hell I was going to let him be the one to comfort me.

Clearly, he did enough of that the night before.

"I don't want to talk about it, Sirius," I said hastily, wrapping the bedspread around my shoulders tightly as if that would erase what had happened between us. "I mean, do you really think this is the best time to be discussing this?"

He sighed, running his fingers through his messy hair. "No, I just…I don't want you hating yourself for what happened between us. I know what self-loathing feels like but people do crazy things when-"

"I don't want to discuss this, Sirius," I spoke, tears stinging my eyes. I wiped underneath my eyes, wishing I was anywhere but there. When I glanced over at him, I saw pity and guilty weighing heavily in his eyes. "Please," I continued, my voice cracking. "I just want to forget any of this ever happened. Please let me do that."

He nodded and opened his mouth as if to add something, but we were both interrupted by a voice booming throughout the flat.

"Hey, Sirius! Get your lazy arse out of bed!"

I can't remember the last time my eyes were as wide as they were as I heard a loud banging on Sirius' bedroom door. I wanted to run. I wanted to hide. I wanted to crawl into a black hole and never come back out. But before I could register what was happening, Sirius' bedroom door was creaking open and Remus was entering cautiously. I froze for lack of anything better to do, turning around to hug the wall as I let out a strangled groan.

Right. Like hugging the wall was going to keep me hidden.

"Our refrigerator is empty and you promised-" he stopped short as his gaze fell on me cowering in the corner. At first, he cringed and turned away clearly thinking he walked in on Sirius with a random girl. But the cringe quickly disappeared and he was suddenly turning to face me, his entire body growing rigid as our gazes met hesitantly, mine filled with desperation and his filled with horror.

As Sirius brought his sheet over his head with a strangled groan and I shut my eyes in complete and utter embarrassment, Remus finally spoke. "Please tell me this is your idea of a sick joke."

++REMUS++

I paced the flat, a million things running through my mind, as Lily hastily threw on the clothes from the night before in our bathroom. It only took her seconds and then suddenly, she was hightailing it past me.

"Lily-"

"Please don't," she whispered hoarsely, continuing towards the door. "Don't say anything now or ever. This never happened. I was never here."

"Lily-"

But she was opening the door and shutting it quickly behind her before I could say anything more and suddenly I was off in a flash. I didn't even bother knocking on Sirius' door as I barged in. "What the hell happened last night, Sirius!?"

He cringed, standing by his bed with only a pair of boxers on. "Oh, please, no yelling," he begged, whimpering.

"SIRIUS!"

He sighed. "I don't know what happened, Moony," he admitted in a small voice, a panicked look on his face. "Your guess is as good as mine."

I glared at him. A glare filled with so much animosity and rage. I suddenly hated the guy standing in front of me. Hated him."Here' a pretty good guess: you just slept with your best friend's girlfriend! So how the hell can you act so blasé about this?"

"Ex-girlfriend."

"What?"

He sighed, sinking back into his bed. "She and James broke up last night, mate," he said softly.

I am not sure which revelation surprised me more. The fact that James and Lily broke up. Or the fact that Lily and Sirius slept together. "What?"

"You heard me."

Shock. That's what I remember feeling. Shock and confusion. I knew that Sirius wasn't lying, but I wanted him to be. Because the idea of James and Lily breaking up was laughable. Mildly impossible in fact. Those two have been through everything together. But it was also really hard focusing on that when a half-naked Sirius had just slept with Lily. "So that makes it alright for you to sleep with her?" I muttered irritably, leaning up against the doorframe.

"Did I ever once say what happened last night was alright?" Sirius snapped. "Don't judge me, Remus. A lot of tequila was involved. And I don't mean half a bottle. I mean two entire bottles. Shared between two of us! And only a tiny bit of that actually made it into margaritas. I don't remember a goddamned thing after two o'clock in the bloody morning and I guarantee she can't remember anything after midnight. She broke up with her boyfriend, Moony! The guy she has been in love with for four years decided to tell her that he doesn't love her anymore! THE GIRL WAS A MESS!"

I frowned. "James told her he didn't love her?"

"Yeah."

"What the hell did he do that for?"

"Beats me."

My head was spinning in so many different directions. Something seriously wrong had to be going through James' head if he was telling Lily that he didn't love her. I was going to have some words for him later. But first, it was Sirius' turn. "Just because James did a stupid thing doesn't mean you had to go and do an even stupider one, Sirius," I snapped, shooting him a look. "How the hell could you sleep with Lily?"

"Will you quit focusing on that?" he whined.

"It's kinda hard to ignore," I snapped, glaring at the guy in front of me. He was my best friend. But in that moment, I disliked him more than anything. Both of my best friends deserved a smack across the head. "What, slept with every other broad in Great Britain that you had to result in hooking up with your best mate's girl?"

"That is not fair," he snarled.

"No, you know what isn't fair?" I snapped, my anger getting the better of me. "The fact that because you're so bloody unhappy with the way your goddamned life turned out that you actively do things to sabotage the happiness of everyone else around you."

"Excuse me?"

"You've lost any sort of reason to believe in love because of a single experience and you've dicked around for four years because of it. And now you just dicked over your best friend. How could you stoop so low? How could you go as far as to screw over the only person who has always been there for you? And for what? Because you are so bloody unhappy and don't seem to apparently care about anything but yourself recently? Dammit, get over yourself, Sirius! Start living your life instead of denying how it's actually turned out!"

My words were probably a bit harsh. Okay, they were definitely a bit harsh. And possibly unnecessary. I blame my anger in the moment. But how dare he sit there and pretend that whatever it was that had happened between him and Lily wasn't a big deal. It was more than a big deal. It was beyond appalling and definitely deplorable. I was so angry, so livid with Sirius. I didn't care that he was drunk. That was no excuse. None. He was a better person to blame his mistakes on alcohol. And that was the most frustrating part. He was a better person than the man sitting in front of me. And yet he clearly didn't think so.

I was about to tell Sirius that when his next words stopped me in my tracks. "Are you talking about me or yourself?" he snarled.

I glared at him. "Oh, don't you dare go there. You-"

"And why the hell not? You're allowed to throw accusations at me but I'm not allowed to throw them right back at you? Hate to break it to you but you're just as unhappy as I am. Probably more so. So don't stand there and displace your unhappiness on me. Whatever happened last night was a stupid, drunken-"

"'Whatever happened?'" I repeated, glaring at him. "You slept with Lily! That's not just a whatever kind of thing, Black! The girl is one of your best friends! Not only that, she was your best mate's girlfriend!"

"Really?" he snapped. "Relationship advice from you?"

I sighed and was about to point out that I wasn't trying to give him advice, but he continued with words I never thought I'd be able to forgive him for. "Sorry if I'm not about to listen to a guy whose fiancée left him at the altar," he sneered. "You don't get to reprimand me for any decisions I make when it comes to other girls when you couldn't even keep your own girl around."

I'm pretty sure my heart stopped. Every bone in my body went numb as the vehement words ran through my head. It was the biggest slap in the face and it hurt a lot more than I would have liked to admit.

I take back what I said before. He was most definitely not my best friend.

"I-I cannot believe you just said that. You bloody bastard," I choked out. "You complete jackass.You have the-"

"I'm the bastard and the jackass?" he snorted. "You have been sulking around for five months whining about the fact that Jillian left you when in reality you have no one to blame but your goddamned self!"

"Excuse me!?"

"You told her to leave! You basically pushed her out the door! You told her you weren't good enough for her and that she shouldn't marry you and she eventually listened! She walked out on you because you sabotaged your own bloody relationship. So you want to stand there and tell me that I sabotage the happiness of others? Go right ahead. But look in the bloody mirror, Moony! You and I are apparently one and the same."

If murder was legal, I may have throttled him right then and there. "Let me get this straight," I said through gritted teeth. "You're comparing my fiancée walking out on me to you sleeping with Lily? Are…are you serious!?"

"I'm not comparing anything. I'm merely pointing out that you're a hypocrite," he spoke with the roll of his eyes.

I had to tighten my hands into fists so as not to reach for my wand and send a curse his way. I don't know how he found out about the conversation I had shared with Jillian a week before the day that was supposed to be our wedding day, but did he really dare throw it back in my face? He wasn't there. He wasn't me. He didn't understand. He would never understand. And I was not about to attempt to explain it to him.

"You're an even bigger bastard and jackass for thinking that you and I have landed ourselves in similar situations." I sneered. "What you did with Lily and inevitably to James was a selfish act of typical Sirius behavior. You do this all the damned time. It's always all about you. You didn't think about what you were doing. You just did it because in the moment it seemed like a great idea. What I did to Jillian, telling her she deserved better than me, was beyond selfless. I loved her more than anything in the world and I needed her to know that spending the rest of her life with me was damaging to her. Maybe I did sabotage our relationship but I did it for her. And in absolutely no way was you sleeping with Lily for anyone else but yourself."

"Remus, I-"

"And I think I'm allowed to sulk and pout and whine because when I had told her everything I felt she needed to hear, she disputed all of it. She told me I was being an idiot and she was going to marry me. And then she just walked out without warning and I was left standing at the altar alone. I wouldn't be so sulky and pouty and whiny if she had just been honest with me from the very goddamned beginning!"

"Oh, right, like you wouldn't have-"

"And I think you may be the biggest bloody prick of all time for bringing any of that up to me right now," I spoke, my words cold and unforgiving. Oh, I was so furious. Livid actually. I wanted to shatter the lamp on his bedside table over his head and pray he slipped into a state of unconsciousness so I wouldn't have to hear any more of his bullshit. "Have I ever once thrown what happened between you and Riley in your face? No! Because I know how much her disappearance hurt and I know how much it destroyed you. So what the fuck is the purpose of humiliating me now? It doesn't change the fact that you slept with Lily and it doesn't change the fact that Lily and James broke up."

"I know, Moony, and-"

"Now I'm going to go find James because even if he did tell Lily he didn't love her, I know that the guy is probably hurting. And unlike you, I actually have the ability to commiserate with what my friends are going through."

"I already feel bad without you trying to-"

"I'm not trying to make you feel bad. I'm simply trying to point out that you're a selfish prick and you repulse me, Sirius Black. And honestly, I'm not so sure I want anything more to do with you."

Before he could say another word, I was whirling around and slamming his bedroom door in his bloody face. I hated every fiber of his being at that moment. I didn't care what he did or what he said. I was so done with him. I didn't need to be reminded of the worst day of my life, no matter what I told Jillian or didn't tell her. She still left me unexpectedly on a day that was supposed to be the happiest day of my life. I was allowed to sulk and I was allowed to whine. Hell, I saw Sirius sulk and I heard him whine for months after Riley walked out on him. And there was absolutely no difference in what happened to him and what happened to him. I could have told Sirius he had been a complete and utter disastrous mess after Riley left and he was to blame for telling her to go in the first place, but I wasn't the jackass. No, that job was clearly reserved for Sirius.

I didn't care if I never spoke to the guy again. He was beyond selfish and I didn't need a friend like that.

Hell, neither did James. I just prayed he never found out about what happened between Sirius and Lily. I had a feeling it would destroy James. And considering he was one of the few friends I had left, I wanted to keep him around.

++JAMES++

I groaned when the curtains in my room were drawn open and sunlight peeked through. "What the hell?" I muttered, throwing my covers over my head. "Why am I being woken up so early on a Saturday?"

"It's eleven o'clock."

I peeked outside my bedspread at Remus. "What the hell are you doing here?" I murmured.

"Trying to figure out what possessed you to tell your girlfriend that you stopped loving her."

Damn, word gets around fast. I threw the covers over my head with a groan. "Go away, Moony," I urged.

"So that you can use sleep as your excuse to forget about the stupidest thing you've ever done? Hell, no. You don't deserve to forget it."

I had no desire to listen to Remus pester me or scold me. I knew I couldn't take back what I did to Lily and I certainly wasn't proud of it or okay with how I handled the situation. I absolutely didn't need Remus to tell me that.

I rolled out of bed with a sigh and without bothering to throw a shirt over my exposed torso, I trudged past Remus and down the stairs towards the kitchen.

"Where are you going?" he groaned, following me.

"Downstairs," I murmured, sauntering down the stairwell and towards the kitchen.

I could feel him shooting me a look. "Gee, thanks for being specific."

I reached into the refrigerator. "What's a better mid-morning drink? Beer or firewhisky?"

A scowl escaped from his lips. "What is with everyone drowning their sorrows in alcohol?"

Before I could respond, another voice chimed in from the doorway. "It helps numb the pain, Moony. I seem to recall that it worked for you just a few months ago."

I whirled around to glare at Sirius. I had been under the impression he was still mad at me for New Year's Eve so I was surprised to see him there. "What the hell is this? A party in my kitchen? Go home, guys." I reached for a beer since it was the closest thing to me and tried storming past Sirius but he blocked me from getting any further.

"Not until you tell us what the hell the matter is with you," Sirius snapped.

"That's a pretty long list," I retaliated dryly.

"You think this is a joking matter?" Remus snorted, folding his arms crossly across his body. "That telling your girlfriend you don't love her is in any way funny?"

I whirled around, a glare permanent on my face. "Don't you dare judge me, Lupin. You have no idea what the hell is going on with me."

"Because you won't tell us!" Sirius barked.

"It's none of your goddamned business!"

"You're our best friend, Prongs," he snapped, rolling his eyes. "And while that may be for reasons that are unclear at the moment, it happens to mean that we care for your well-being. Once again, for reasons that are unclear. But when you first rush headfirst into a battle against noneother than Voldemort and about a hundred of his bloody Death Eaters and then three days later you forget your bloody Anniversary which on its own is-"

"You forgot your Anniversary!?" Remus groaned.

I made a face but was very aware of the hostile glare Sirius sent towards Remus. Hm, not sure what that was about but I didn't have a chance to contemplate because Sirius continue, "-which on its own is already pretty horrible, but then you up and tell the girl that you have had feelings for since the very first day you set eyes on her that you don't love her anymore, that pretty much screams that your well-being is clearly at stake. So tell us, Prongs, what the hell is going on?"

"You don't get it, Sirius," I spoke, my voice soft with burden. "This isn't about my well-being anymore. It's about hers." I tried slipping past Sirius but once again he pushed me back.

"And exactly how is shattering her heart into a million pieces for her own well-being?"

I frowned, turning around to sink into an empty kitchen chair since it was obvious Sirius wasn't going to let me pass. "It just is," I muttered.

"Gee, please stop. Your explanations are over-excessive," Sirius drawled sarcastically.

"Sarcasm isn't helping the situation any, Sirius," Remus snapped.

My eyes narrowed at the glaring contest the two of them were having at that moment. Something was definitely going on there. "There isn't a situation, Moony. It's all in your head," I muttered dryly.

"Liar."

I twisted the cap from the beer in my hand and chucked the cap towards the sink. It fell short by a mere few inches and clinked against the kitchen floor. I let it lie there.

"James, are you trying to be completely and utterly alone in your life?"

My heart sunk as I glanced towards Sirius, the question sounding rather profound coming from his mouth. "What kind of question is that?"

He shrugged, running his fingers through the end of his hair as he leaned up against the doorframe. "Seems to be pretty logical with the way you've been acting lately."

I slammed my beer bottle against the kitchen table, ignoring the droplets of excess beer that fell to the table. "Three of my brothers are dead, my father's dead, some bitchy Know-it-All appeared in my office from France clearly with a hidden agenda, my sister and brother-in-law were kidnapped and could have been killed, the bloody love of my life was attacked and I hear the goddamned Death Eaters have her on their radar, and then suddenly my house was under attack and Lily and I faced Voldemort himself! So I'm sorry if I've been distant or quiet or cynical or irritable lately, but how the hell am I supposed to act when my entire world is falling apart around me!?"

"Wow, dramatic much," Sirius spoke sarcastically.

I glared at him, wanting nothing more than to just throw my beer bottle at his head. Which I might have done if I didn't want to finish it off first. He didn't get to belittle my feelings with mere sarcasm. Not now. "Fuck you, Sirius," I snarled, grabbing my beer again and trying to hightail it past him.

He jumped in front of me once again. "Life isn't always going to be what you want it to be, James, but it's the only one you've got so you've got to just deal with it!"

"Pretty sure I said that about someone else earlier," Remus muttered.

Sirius glared at him. "We're not talking about me, Lupin," he snarled back.

Yep, something was definitely going on between them.

"Sirius, get out of my way," I demanded through gritted teeth.

"Not until you tell us what's going on!"

"You don't get it," I muttered through gritted teeth.

"I don't get why you broke up with Lily by telling her you don't love her? Yeah, you're damned right I don't get why you made the stupidest decision of your life."

"IT WAS THE ONLY DECISION I COULD MAKE!" Anger burned through every word I spoke. I whirled around and changed my game plan, storming outside instead, slamming the door behind me.

"Where the hell is he going?" I heard Sirius groan behind me.

"Gee, now you care about him?" Remus muttered.

I continued hightailing it through my backyard, ignoring whatever petty fight the two of them were going through. I guarantee I didn't really care about it. I had bigger fish to fry.

"JAMES!" Sirius cried out after me, but I ignored him.

I didn't know where I was going. I just kept walking. And when that didn't feel like enough, I felt myself speed up to a light jog. And then suddenly I was sprinting. To where? I had no clue. I just felt like I needed to get out. Get away. Get away from Sirius, from Remus, from their judgments, from their totally true statements that I didn't want to admit were true.

I just wanted to get away from myself.

A thought hit me that maybe I could just run forever, fall off the grid. Hide out somewhere where no one could find me. Which meant no one else would get hurt because of me. I could have done that. I should have done that. But I didn't.

When I finally stopped to catch my breath, I noticed I was in the field where my family and the Gilmores often played Quidditch when we were younger. I shut my eyes tightly and suddenly, I could see Brite zooming around on his Lightning Rod 5000 with his cocky smirk on his face as he flew circles around Rafe who perched on his Silver Arrow. I felt Caleb's presence as I recalled his impeccable blocking skills at the hoops. I think his Quidditch reflexes helped made Caleb one of the best defensive Aurors we had had in the Department. I saw Wyatt trying to do his damned best to beat the older siblings with such determination and a surprising amount of grace. I smiled sadly as I remembered the yelling matches between a young Dezzy and Drew over who had been cheating. I thought of the fights that broke out between Riley and Lance over who got to use the brand-new Cleansweep. My smile wavered slightly as I remembered my mother and father screaming our names out to come in for dinner before our hands became permanently wrapped around our brooms.

As I opened my eyes, the smile immediately disappeared as I realized that that was all in the past. The Quidditch games that used to be the only thing we ever worried about was that of a mere memory. I wanted so desperately to go back to being an innocent and naïve kid where the smile on my face felt real and genuine. When everything felt easy and fun. That field used to represent never-ending hopes and dreams, in ourselves and for our futures. Now that field just looked abandoned and rundown.

Much like my life.

++SIRIUS++

Remus and I remained completely silent as we attempted to chase after James. When we finally caught up with him, I felt an overwhelming rush of sadness fill me up as I saw him sitting hunched over in the middle of a vacant field. The Potter Gilmore Quidditch field. Or at least that's what I had come to dub it as.

I tried exchanging a look with Remus to see what our next move should be, but Remus was already walking up to James and dropping on to the damp grass beside him. He slipped his jacket off and handed it to James.

James didn't say anything but thrust the jacket around his shoulders.

I felt a frown fill my face but I, too, sat down on the grass on the other side of James. None of us spoke. None of us looked at each other. James' eyes fixated on a single spot in the sky, his eyelids occasionally blinking. Remus started picking at a blade of grass and based on the strained and angry frown on his face, I had a feeling he wasn't thinking about James at that moment. Instead he was still peeved at me. Which, to be fair, I totally deserved. My eyes were drawn to James, trying to get a good read on him without any success.

"Sirius, do you still get letters from someone named Tom?"

I was startled by the sound of James' voice a few minutes later. "Er…yeah," I said. "Not as frequently. And I don't read them anymore. It's the same garbage anyway. Why?"

He didn't answer but somehow, that didn't surprise me.

I was surprised by Remus' next words. "I'm getting letters now, too."

Both James and my head swiveled towards him. "What?" I said, shocked.

"Looks like Voldemort's army is trying to recruit werewolves to the Dark Side."

"Oh, Merlin," I muttered, glancing at James to see what he thought of that. I was confused to see relief resting in his eyes. "Why do you look pleased at that concept?"

James shot me a look. "I'm not pleased that Voldemort is recruiting werewolves," he muttered. "I'm just…" he trailed off, his gaze falling upon his empty beer bottle. He eventually shrugged. "I'm just glad I have you guys," he murmured embarrassedly.

"Because you no longer have Lily?" I dared to ask.

James scowled. "Can we please just leave her out of this?"

"No," Remus said, clearing his throat. "What did you mean earlier when you said you felt as if breaking up with her was the only decision?"

James didn't respond.

I sighed. "James, why did you ask about the letters I'm receiving from Tom?"

He frowned. "I just…it's not…I don't know," he dithered.

"Could you be less articulate please?"

James didn't crack a smile. "It's not the worst thing in the world that you're receiving those letters."

"It's not the worst thing in the world to be requested to join the Dark Side every month? That's news to me."

"If he wants you, Voldemort is going to keep you alive. Until the moment you truly are expendable to him, you're not on his radar. You're not his target. Not now. You have time to live your life. Not everyone has that luxury," he muttered.

"Luxury?" Remus finally interjected, his voice filled with helpless confusion. "I've never heard anyone call threatening letters from a vicious murderer a luxury before. You want to tell us what's going on now?"

I was a step ahead of Remus, which was quite unusual. "Oh good Godric, this is about Lily-bean, isn't it?"

The way James' face fell told me the answer was yes.

"You do love her, James," I sighed. "So the only plausible reason I could think of for you to tell her otherwise besides the fact that you're one hell of an idiot is because you are trying to protect her or protect yourself. So which is it, Potter?"

"You don't know what you're talking about," he muttered, but the way he held his head shamefully told me I did.

And the grimace on Remus' face told me he was angry that I had been the one to figure it out. But I didn't have time to gloat.

"No, he does," Remus murmured, frustration clearly in his voice. "Who are you trying to protect here, Prongs?"

James' face crumbled. Pain beyond his years flickered in his eyes. His lips tightened, his cheeks flushed, and his bottom lips trembled. I could have sworn there was a faraway tear in his eyelids but he blinked before I could know for sure. I had never seen the guy look so fragile, so vulnerable. It wasn't like him to show any sort of weakness. I knew in that moment something serious was going on with my best friend. And it frightened me.

"She deserves to live her life," he eventually croaked out.

"And you don't?" was Remus' immediate response.

"It's not about me anymore," he muttered.

"You keep saying that," I pointed out hesitantly. "How is it that your life isn't about you anymore?"

He sighed, rubbing his eyes wearily. "It just isn't."

"There you go again being specific," I groaned.

"The less you know the better," he sighed.

"Isn't that what Sydny told you when she arrived on the scene? Isn't that what Wyatt told you when he returned? And didn't you hate-"

"They were right."

Well, that's a first: James admitting he was wrong.

"Does this new sulky James have something to do with what they eventually told you?" Remus asked, frowning.

James didn't respond but the panic in his eyes told me the answer was yes.

I put two and two together. "Let me guess," I sighed. "You telling Lily-bean you don't love her has something to do with what they told you, too?"

James shook his head. "No, not about what they said," he murmured.

Remus shook his head. "James, it's clearly-"

"It's about something Dumbledore said."

Huh?

"Huh?" Remus read my mind.

James picked up a blade of grass and started peeling it. "She deserves to live her life," he repeated, shaking his head. "And she…she can't do that with me."

"James, did you ever think that maybe you are her life?" I pointed out. "That her life is worth very little without you?"

"And my life is worth nothing without her!" James shouted, glaring at me. "I-I just can't…I can't…" he trailed off.

"You can't what?" Remus asked.

James' bottom lip trembled as he drew his knees into his body, hugging them tightly. He tried opening his mouth to say something, anything, but the words couldn't form. It was as if he was all out of excuses that he had nothing left to say. He looked so small, so vulnerable, that he was seriously beginning to fright me. He had never exhibited any form of weakness. I had always been under the impression it was because he was afraid if he did, he would never able to find strength again. But it seemed like he hit that breaking point and I wondered if he'd ever be able to come back from it.

James eventually spoke, his words barely audible over the winter breeze. "I can't be the reason she dies," he whispered, his voice breaking. "I-I would never be able to forgive myself."

I glanced over at Remus, but he was too busy staring sympathetically at our brokenhearted best friend. "What is that supposed to mean?" Remus dared to ask the question that was on my mind, too.

James threw the stripped pieces of grass in his hand back on to the ground, his expression now unexpectedly even and calm. He lifted his head and turned to me, staring at me with sad determination, before turning towards Remus. Finally, he spoke. "Voldemort is after her. And it's all because of me."

And before Remus or I could even question what that meant, James was lifting himself off the grass and heading back to the house.

++LILY++

When I left Sirius and Remus' apartment, all I wanted was to disappear. Find a black hole, crawl into it, and escape the hell that had become my life. I hated James for obvious reasons, I hated Sirius for the way he was making me feel right then, I hated Remus for having to find out of the stupidest decision Sirius and I made the night before. But mostly, I hated myself for all of it.

I went to the only place that suddenly felt safe to me: work.

Of course when I got there, I did anything but the work piling up on my desk. Instead, I sat and stared at the words in front of me as if they weren't there. I stared at the photos on my desk, most of them including James. I couldn't bear to turn them away. As if the moment I put those photos face down on my desk, the world I used to know would crumble in front of me. It was as if I was living some sort of dream. I was still so madly in love with him and yet he didn't feel the same. And I couldn't figure out what it is I had done to make him stop loving me.

I fell into my desk chair and for the first time since the night before, I let out all of my anger and sadness and hurt and pain in irrepressible tears. I bawled more than I had in a long time. I curled up in a ball and cried because James didn't love me. Because I slept with Sirius. Because I had no idea how I even got here. I just let myself go. I let it all out instead of holding it in like I so often forced myself to do. For the first time since my parents died and Petunia abandoned me, I felt so incredibly lost and I had a strong feeling I would never find my way back.

Eventually, I picked myself up and cleaned myself off and reached for a proposal presented by the North American Ministry about the possibility of their Aurors using Unforgiveable Curses. I don't know how long I had been staring at that first page, reading the same words over and over again, but suddenly, I was broken from my revelry when I heard my door creak open. I glanced up and while my intention was to smile at Shane, I didn't have the energy to smile.

"What are you doing here?" he asked curiously, slipping into the chair opposite me.

"Work," I said vaguely, shrugging.

He narrowed his eyes. "In a cocktail dress?"

My heart stopped as my eyes instinctively gazed over once again at the photos on my desk. After what I knew was probably a long disconcerting pause, I finally just shrugged. "Yeah."

He frowned. "What happened last night, Lily?"

Before I could get the word 'nothing' out, tears were once again filling my eyes. I tried blinking them away, but they were coming too fast. And suddenly, I couldn't look at James' face or even my smiling one in the damned photos on my desk anymore. I swung my hand out towards the series of photo frames on my desk and sent them all flying to the floor.

"Lily!"

"James and I broke up," I blurted out, slumping down in my chair with a choked sob.

"What!?"

I shook my head, reaching up to wipe the tears from my cheeks. "And then I slept with Sirius."

"WHAT!?"

"That felt oddly good to get off my chest."

Silence followed. I was actively avoiding looking up at Shane so as to not see the shame and pity in his eyes that I knew would be there.

Eventually, I sighed and glanced up at him. But it wasn't shame or pity that was staring back at me. It was compassion. "Say something, Shane," I pleaded.

He offered me a supportive smile. "You've had a pretty shitty twelve hours, haven't you."

And for the first time in those twelve hours, I smiled. "Thank you for not trying to make me feel better."

He shrugged. "I had a pretty good idea that no matter what I tried to say to cheer you up, it probably wouldn't have worked. I went with the truth in the end."

"And I thank you for it," I said in all sincerity. I felt so depressed and rejected about what happened with James and I felt utterly hopeless and guilty and discouraged about what happened with Sirius that I knew a few sympathetic, comforting words from Shane wouldn't make me feel any better. Not even in the slightest. And I didn't want to hear him attempt to build me up when I was feeling like the worst person in the world.

"Can I just say one thing?"

I nodded.

"James is a complete and total idiot for letting you go."

I blushed and then realized that I had been wrong. That kinda did make me feel better. "Thanks for always being there for me, Shane."

"That's what coworkers are for, right?" he said with a teasing smile.

"No," I argued, shrugging curtly. "That's what friends are for."

I could have sworn that a tint of crimson flushed to his cheeks but before I could comment, he quickly spoke. "Am I guessing correctly that your jackass of an ex-boyfriend doesn't know that you slept with his best friend?"

"Erm…yeah, you would be guessing correctly."

"And am I hopefully assuming correctly that a lot of alcohol was involved?"

I cringed. "That's an understatement."

"Don't beat yourself up over it, Lily," he said with a grim frown. "We all do stupid shit when we're feeling down."

"I slept with Sirius, Shane," I groaned, bringing my hands up to cover my face shamefully. "That isn't just stupid shit. That's like bottom of the barrel, lowest of the totem pole, worst person in the world kind of shit."

"You and your boyfriend of four years just broke up. People have done worse in the past."

"Can't you just let me wallow in self-pity?" I whined.

He laughed and shrugged. "For today. But starting Monday, I will be building you back up again."

I smiled again. It felt surprisingly good. "Did you know that North America wants to let their Aurors use Unforgiveable Curses?"

"So we're done talking about your horrible, no-good, one hell of a twelve hours?"

"Yes."

"Okay, and what the hell? What is wrong with North America? They really want to turn their Aurors into trained Death Eaters?"

I let out a sigh of relief as we both went into a rampage of the idiocy of the North American Ministry.

++REMUS++

I didn't know who I was most furious at: Sirius for still being the immature, selfish son-of-a-bitch he was four years ago or James being an immature, selfish son-of-a-bitch now.

"That kid is seriously screwed up," Sirius said huffily as we walked back towards Potter Manor. We could have run but we both knew that James needed a bit of time to himself. Key word being bit. I wasn't going to let him push me away like he was able to do with Lily.

"This coming from you," I snapped.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Bigger picture here, Moony. James and Lily broke up. Let's focus on that."

"How uncharacteristically unselfish of you," I couldn't help but mutter as I sped up, taking myself further away from Sirius. Thankfully, he kept his distance.

When I finally traipsed through the backdoor of Potter Manor, I knew exactly where I could find James. I took the stairs by twos and opened his bedroom door forcefully. "James Potter, stop wallowing in your pathetic self-pity and tell me what the bloody hell is going on with you before I…I burn down your house!"

James didn't say anything from underneath the covers but eventually, he peeked out. "You're going to burn down Potter Manor?"

I shrugged. "You don't deserve to live in such a gorgeous mansion if the only reason you're going to use it for is to hide."

"So the answer is to burn it down?"

"No, the answer is for you to tell me what the fuck is going on with you!"

"Remus-"

"Why are you so convinced that Voldemort is out to get you!?"

James sighed and slowly sat up. "Because he is," he said softly. "Dumbledore confirmed it."

"What do you mean?"

And then James told me the whole story. About a minute into it, Sirius appeared behind me and he, too, listened intently. We learned that Sydny was working with Moody and Dumbledore. We learned that it was Dumbledore who sent Wyatt to be a spy within the Death Eaters. We learned that James blamed himself for Brite's death. For Jaron's and Wyatt's and his father's deaths. We learned that Voldemort didn't want to kill James. No, he wanted to kill those around him so that James could be left completely alone. Why? None of us could be sure.

By the end, I felt helplessly sorry for him. He had been holding all of this in for months, battling his own feelings and thoughts on the matter without any outside help. Of course he had distanced himself from everyone – he could barely keep it together on his own much less trying to invite others into his burdened life.

"Just because that's what Voldemort wants doesn't mean you should give it to him," Sirius spoke, breaking me from my thoughts.

Sadly, those words couldn't be any truer. I hated that Sirius was right.

"I'm not acting like this because I'm giving into him. I'm…I just…I would never be able to forgive myself if I lost her," he said, his voice cracking. "She means too much to me. And I'm the reason that Voldemort seems to have his sights on her. I just…I felt like I only had one option."

"Yeah, except you didn't give her the option," I sighed, shaking my head.

"Because she never would have let me let her go!" he cried out, panic in his voice. "She would have fought to stick around and…and I can't let her do that. I can't be the reason she has to constantly look over her shoulder. I can't be the reason she has to live her life in fear. I can't be the reason she dies! I just can't! So I'm okay with hiding out in Potter Manor and if you feel the need to burn down the place, go right ahead and you can do it with me inside." He threw the covers over his head and slumped down.

"Why are we burning down Potter Manor?" Sirius asked.

I ignored him, waltzing over to James' bed and thrusting off his covers towards the floor. "You don't get to hide," I said stubbornly. "You made the decision to tell your girlfriend of four years that you don't love her and you have to live with that now. You don't get to sulk, you don't get to wallow, and you don't get to spout out suicidal tendencies. Stop being such a whiny prick because you put yourself here."

"Nah, Voldemort did that," he pouted. It was obvious he wasn't convinced of those words. I had a feeling he would always blame himself.

I glared at him. So did Sirius. "Oh really?" Sirius snorted, one step ahead of me. "Didn't realize it was Voldemort that told Lily you didn't love her. Not sure the break up would have gone the same. She probably would have been more pissed to be told by a murderous villain than mad at the actual words."

"Glad you think this is funny," he drawled.

"This is the farthest thing from funny," Sirius sighed, shaking his head slowly. "I just don't understand why you didn't feel like you could tell any of us, including Lily, before now."

"So that I could freak all of you out?" James muttered. "That's what I was trying to avoid."

"Does it look like we're freaking out?" I chimed in.

James frowned. "Well, then you're handling it a hell of a lot better than I am," he murmured.

"James, you cannot sit there and blame yourself for everything that has happened," I urged desperately. "One, because it's not healthy, and two, because it's just plain not true."

"Have you not been listening? It is-"

"Yes, I have. And now it's time you listen to me," I spoke demandingly, my eyes narrowing in determination. "This is all Voldemort's doing. Voldemort and his bloody Death Eaters. They are the ones actively out to destroy you. They are the ones going after the people in your life that you care about. You can't hide out just because your life isn't going the way you would have liked. James, you look danger in the eye every day. You're an Auror and you're a member of the Order. You've seen a lot of tragedy in your life. But don't let it affect the way you or your friends live their lives. That's exactly what Voldemort wants."

"I'm not letting it affect the way I live," James muttered.

Both Sirius and I gave him a look.

"Well, I'm not trying to," he corrected with a sigh.

"You just told Lily that you don't love her," Sirius said dryly. "You're not trying very hard."

"Will you quit throwing that back in my face?" James snarled, glaring at his best friend. "You don't think I realize that I hurt her? You don't think I realize that in one split second, everything has changed between us? You don't think I realize that she will never forgive me? I do realize that! I realized it all along! And I did it anyway? And you know why? Because I would never be able to forgive myself if I lost her! Why can't you understand that!?"

"No, I think I do understand," I spoke evenly. "I think it's you who doesn't understand. You're pushing the people that you love away because it's easier living alone than admitting that you are scared. You're avoiding your present because your damned future is so unpredictable. You're pretending as if you're protecting Lily when in reality, you are protecting yourself for dealing with any more pain. You're being selfish!"

"Jeez, is that your mantra for the day?" Sirius muttered.

"Oh, shut the hell up, Padfoot," I snarled, whirling around to glare at him. "This is not about you so for once, don't make it about you."

"Okay, who wants to tell me what's going on between you two?" James asked curiously.

"Oh, no you don't. Don't change the subject," I snapped.

"And why would I want to do that? I love being told that I'm being selfish when for the past few months all I've thought about was Lily and her best interest."

I ignored his sarcasm. I was getting pretty sick and tired of the dry jokes when the situation was far from humorous. Which, ironically, was something James just pointed out a few minutes earlier. "Was it in Lily's best interest to cause her immense pain and heartbreak? Was it in her best interest to make her feel like her entire world just came crashing down on her?"

"Remus-"

"Because that's what you did when you looked her in the eye and lied. And for what? So you could feel like shit? So she could feel like shit?"

"Stop berating me!" James finally shouted, chucking his pillow at me. I ducked in time but Sirius wasn't quite as lucky as he got smacked in the face with it. As if I cared. Serves him right. He deserves a hell of a lot more than a pillow smashed in his face. "Do you think for one second that I enjoyed what I did, Remus!? Because I didn't, but I had to do it! For her!"

I sighed. I wasn't getting through to him but it was obvious James was trying to get through to me and failing. We were just going to have to agree to disagree. "I'm sorry that this is what you felt you had to do," I said in all honesty.

He swallowed hard and quickly turned away. "Remus, she may be feeling immense pain and heartbreak, but I am too," he whispered. "She was everything to me. Is everything to me. I did what I felt like I had to do. The words came tumbling out and even if I have my moments where I wish I had never said them, I don't regret it. I won't regret it. So stop trying to tell me it was a mistake because I will never believe that. Ever. I did the only thing I felt I could do at that time to protect her. Now, if you don't mind giving me back my pillow and comforter, I would very much like to crawl back into bed and sleep for an indefinite amount of time to forget the fact that I am now alone."

I sighed. "You're not alone," I muttered, finding it immensely hard to watch my best friend deteriorate in front of me. "Look, I'll move back in. Merlin knows you don't need to live in a huge house by yourself."

"Oh, don't move in because you pity me," James whined.

"Believe me," I said dryly, my eyes migrating towards Sirius with anger, "You'd be doing me a favor."

The look clearly didn't go unnoticed by James. "Seriously, what is going on with you two?" he demanded.

"Nothing," I spoke dryly.

James rolled his eyes. "Whatever. You're both more than welcome to move back-"

"No," I interrupted determinedly. "We still have a lease. Makes more sense for Sirius to stay there."

James' eyebrow quirked. "And you're honestly telling me there's nothing going on between you two?"

"Yeah, if you want us separated so much, why don't you stay at the apartment?" Sirius muttered from the doorway.

I turned to glare at him as silence filled the room. With my gaze still on Sirius, I spoke. "Alright, James, you really want to know what's going on with us?" A smirk appeared on my face as panic reflected in Sirius' eyes.

"Fine, I'll stay at the flat," he snapped. "Wouldn't want too mush selfishness in one house anyway, right, Remus?"

Sirius shot me a murderous glare before whirling around and storming out of the house.

I was busy cursing Sirius in my mind when James spoke up behind me. "That's what you call nothing?"

++KEEGAN++

After what happened between Sirius and myself the night before, I thought it would be days, maybe even weeks before either one of us would have the courage to be in each other's presence. And yet at two o'clock on that Saturday morning, Sirius was standing in front of me. And not just Sirius. But the most depressed-looking Sirius I've ever seen in my life. He looked two seconds away from crying. His clothes were disheveled, his cheeks were flushed with vulnerability, and his eyes showed grave pain.

"Sirius," I said in surprise when I opened the door. "What's wr-"

"Remember how yesterday you were feeling like crap and the lowest of low so you decided to have sex with me to forget all of that?"

His words came out in a frantic panic. "Erm…yeah," I said hesitantly.

"Well, now it's my turn," he whispered before kissing me.

A/N: ::Ducks as all types of vegetables are thrown at her:: Alright so I have to say I am very curious what you all thought of this chapter so please review!