Kili felt as though he were about to retch. He'd finally done it, he'd finally summoned the courage to profess his feelings. And she had fled him. She had pushed him from her, admonished him, and told him to abandon this.
But...she had not answered his question. Her hesitation could have spoken to many things, but he believed in his bones that she could have loved him. She knew it and didn't want to say so. Could he blame her? In truth no, but it gave him a little satisfaction nonetheless.
That tiny bit of satisfaction was overshadowed by the soul crushing knowledge that he finally had his answer. "This is not to be," she'd said.
He didn't even have the chance to broach the subject of being lovers, which she would clearly reject. And he should have been ashamed of himself, but by Mahal he would have taken her any way he could have her. Anything to make the madness eating at his soul subside.
Pulling himself together the best he could, Kili turned and departed the dark halls to finally join the revelry below. He needed a stiff drink to calm his nerves.
Ila was rushing through the dark corridors, afraid he was pursuing her but sure he was not, a hand on her belly and moving as fast as it would let her. She could barely believe what had just happened, but so many things that had passed between them made sense now.
Taking her time on the stairs, she climbed them carefully and finally pushed open the door to their chambers. Closing the heavy gold door behind her, she leaned on it for a moment to rest and catch her breath. Supper would be along soon, enough time for her to calm down. She closed her eyes and sighed another deep breath, trying to slow her heart beat.
"Darling," Thorin's voice cut through the room like a knife, causing her eyes snap open wide.
What was he doing here? Her mind screamed at her. It was coming from their bedroom, and she knew she must answer.
"Sweetheart," she replied, giving herself time to straighten her hair and dress as she walked across the antechamber and to their bedchamber.
She walked in the room, looking around for Dwala and or Zahra perhaps, but only saw Thorin sitting at her vanity.
That is very odd, she thought, and a horrible sinking feeling started in her stomach. Something is wrong…
Thorin hadn't looked up at her, but was studying himself in her mirror. His face was like stone, betraying no emotion, except that he seemed surprised for some reason.
"What took you so long that I should beat you here? And I do not see your escort…" His voice too was like stone. Hard, grating, yet dangerous.
"I came as quickly as I can in my condition, Thorin. As for Kili—"
"Tell me dear...do you find me old?" He interrupted her, but still did not look at her. He only studied himself in her vanity mirror, but she was clear in the reflection behind him.
Ila was so confused, and quickly becoming frightened.
"Thorin what is the matter with you?" Ila demanded in an unsteady voice. She had not even thought about how she was going to tell Thorin about what Kili did…..she was still in shock. But then she knew she'd had no intention of telling him at all. Only terrible things could come from it. She had handled him, would handle him if he needed more convincing that she and he could never be, and no one had to be the wiser. No relationships had to be ruined.
"I ask because I'm so much older than you... Old enough to be your father. Perhaps you would have been happier with Kili...you two are the same age..."
Ila felt her heart drop from her chest to her feet in an instant. He must have seen them. But didn't he see her reject Kili's advance?! She had admonished him and flown from his presence. Surely he could not be angry with her when she had done nothing to encourage him.
"Thorin stop that!" Ila cried. "I don't know what you mean to suggest but-"
Thorin, who had been eerily calm until that point, came up off of the vanity stool so quickly it looked supernatural. He kicked the stool from under him so hard it flew into the wall behind him and shattered into pieces, wood bits falling here and there.
Ila had no time to react, Thorin was exploding on her.
"Do not treat me like a fool! I saw you! Both of you! How long has it been going on?!"
Ila's face was contorted in horror. He hadn't seen it all then, only the worst part.
"Thorin it's not what you think! Please let me explain!" I'll cried but Thorin wouldn't have it.
"Explain?!" He mocked her. "Oh but everything is already explained!
"I pushed him away! I told him I didn't share his feelings!"
"And why should I believe that? When you have gone out of your way ever since you came to the mountain to be with him? That night before we wed when you and he snuck out and he brought you back? When you begged me not to take him to the Blue Mountains? When you begged to learn the bow from him?! All so you two could be alone! Even tonight, when you slip away with him, after pleading so eagerly to attend the tournament. You must think I am the greatest fool to draw breath!"
"None of that is true! You only chose to read it that way!" Ila pleaded, moving towards him but he retreated from her, so that they moved around the room in a strange dance.
"And the baby. The one in your belly. Did you think I wouldn't find out about that either?!" His voice was acid, burning Ila with every word. His face was contorted in rage and disgust. His eyes were bright with madness.
"How dare you even suggest that?" Ila was wounded, but now she was furious too.
"I saw his hands on you….it makes perfect sense now. We were so careful…..I withdrew from you every night, until that one time you wouldn't get off me fast enough. You knew you were pregnant by him and wanted to cover it up. And Thora-"
"Thorin!" Her scream warned him not to go further. Say what he wanted about her, Ila would never forgive him if he suggested Thora was not his.
"You tried to get rid of her when she was in your womb! That little 'accident' while I was in the Blue Mountains. You didn't want my baby, you wanted his—"
Ila slapped Thorin's face so hard his vision blurred. She had managed to close the distance between them while he was spewing his mad accusations at her.
He seemed to not even register the pain, or that she had touched him at all.
"...the babe is his isn't it?" He almost whispered. Eyes unblinking, looking like a great predator that had finally cornered his prey.
Ila felt her heart physically breaking inside her chest. She felt the cracks running through it, spreading with his every accusatory word, and finally breaking apart under the weight of them.
"Thorin," she was pleading now, on the verge of sobbing "...how can you ask that—"
"I saw his hand on your belly! How he held you! And I have barely come in you-"
"BUT YOU HAVE! AND I WOULD NEVER LAY WITH ANOTHER, I LOVE YOU!"
Ila screamed in desperation, but could tell her words did not reach him. He didn't believe her, and she simply couldn't make him.
Thorin looked wild and dangerous, and being frightened and bereft she turned towards the door. She needed to find Kili and make him explain, or Dis even to talk some sense into him, if it were possible. She just couldn't bear to be alone with him anymore, whatever the case.
"Where do you think you're going?" He growled from behind her. Ila threw open the doors to their antechamber and tried to hurry to the outer door, but she was in no state to run.
Thorin grabbed her by the shoulders and spun her around.
"You'll not go running to his arms, you'll not leave these rooms until I decide what to do with you, do you understand me?" He barked, his grip painful on her shoulders.
"Let go of me!" Ila demanded and tried to fight herself free of him. He however began to drag her back towards the bedroom, but she resisted as best she could. Pounding at his chest, she started to beat at him with all her might, letting her emotions free on him. She somehow made it out into the corridor, her fear gave her strength she didn't know she had then.
She had to find someone to make him believe. She couldn't let him lock her up in here before she got help, someone to aid her in making him see reason. Dis wasn't far if she were in her rooms...The stairs were right there….
Ila reached the top step, but Thorin was on her, griping her arms again. In the great scuffle and battle of wills, Ila turned and slapped at Thorin again, not hard, only to free herself, and he grabbed her wrist to stop her. She tripped, tangled in his legs and awkward with her state of advanced pregnancy, and she fell hard on her bottom, onto the stone steps beneath her.
The impact jarred her body, and Thorin hadn't been able to let go of her arms in time to let her break her fall, nor could he catch her. It took the air out of her lungs, and she slid down three more painful steps before he could stop her, each connecting with her bottom harshly and rattling her very teeth.
Ila immediately knew something was wrong. Pain spread through her abdomen and didn't subside. Ila's heart beat rapidly, fear gripping her soul.
She moaned in pain, and Thorin who was still standing let her arms go and knelt beside her.
"What is the matter?" He asked wildly, still enraged but another emotion seeping into his madness.
Ila couldn't answer him, she was too terrified and in too much pain.
All she could do was hold her belly and rock back and forth, whimpering "No...not yet...please not yet..."
Thorin jumped to his feet, leaping down the steps in bounds that took three or four at a time. Ila heard the sound of his iron tipped boots thundering away on the stone, the sound of his calls for help getting farther and farther away.
Ila slumped forward clutching her belly, sobbing and screaming as she felt her world crumbling on top of her.