A/N: Back with another chapter after you all begged me! To make up for the long wait, I've given you a very long chapter so I hope you enjoy. You've had to wait for a lot of resolutions and answers so I hope this answers them. I know that both James and Lily are not your favorite characters right now and frankly, they're not mine either. But hey, some people have to hit rockbottom before they can rebuild their lives and that's what both of them are doing. I will say that some of my favorite lines are in this chapter! I wish I had more to say than thank you for reading and reviewing, but I think that says it all. So with that said, on to the next chapter!
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns most of the characters and backstory in this fanfiction. If you recognize a name, it's hers. If you don't, it's mine.
Goodbyes on the Balcony
By ByeByeBirdie
Chapter 27: Of Burgers, Fights, & Headlines
++REMUS++
My nose was bleeding, James' hand was bruised and I wouldn't have been surprised if it was broken, it looked as if Sirius still had a shard of glass oozing into his forehead, and Peter was covered in grime and sticky alcohol from head to toe. On top of that, we were all sitting on the edge of the sidewalk side-by-side like a bunch of bums as we ignored the hustle and bustle of drunk witches and wizards crowding the street around us. We were a hot mess. The Marauders had come a long way and not for the better. So how did we get there?
To answer that, we have to go back a few hours.
++JAMES++
I knew Lafevre had just been trying to help as best she could by giving me some clarity on why Voldemort was targeting me. And she did. But all this time I thought I wanted to know why Voldemort had it out for me and in the end, it didn't make a difference. He was still gunning for me no matter the reason and that was all I could inevitably focus on. I couldn't question the past. I couldn't wonder the what-ifs if my father hadn't been the one to take down the Executioner. I could only worry about the present and the future. And the fact of the matter was, I was worried that the future would never come.
Ultimately, I knew LaFevre just wanted to stop blaming myself. And maybe if I stopped blaming myself, I'd stop punishing the people around me. But it wasn't about punishing. It was about protecting. Maybe it wasn't my fault, but that didn't stop me from thinking I could do something about it. But it was that 'maybe' that had me questioning it all. I shouldn't have listened to Keegan. I shouldn't have wanted to. I mean, when have I ever wanted to listen to her?
Unfortunately and very annoyingly, she was right. And I hated that she was right.
But because she was right, I found myself later that evening pressing the 2 button in the elevator instead of the lobby button to head home. A desperate part of me wanted, no needed, to see Lily. Even if it was just to see her. While Remus believed I was an idiot and while Sirius couldn't even begin to understand and while Kay wanted to murder me for hurting her best friend and while Sydny thought I was putting too much pressure on myself and while the entire office clearly disapproved, I needed to know that I did the right thing. Or at least what felt right. But more importantly, I needed her to know that.
I was expecting more words filled with hurt. I was expecting anger. I was expecting tears and frustration. I was expecting Lily to tell me she hated me.
What I wasn't expecting was a front row ticket to the Lily and Shane snog session.
Words can't even begin to describe how I felt in that moment. A jumble of emotions passed through me. Shock. Confusion. Anger. Rejection. Horror. Sadness. Heartbreak. Betrayal. Guilt. Disgust.
I tried walking away surreptitiously but considering my girlfriend…okay, ex-girlfriend, but the girl that I loved with all my heart and who I had let go for her own good, was snogging some other bloke, I couldn't exactly be as quiet as I had anticipated.
"James!" Lily cried out in shock, pulling away from Shane when her eyes met mine.
"Evans," I said coolly, reverting back to my childish Hogwarts days.
She glared at me. "What the hell are you doing here?"
"I could ask you the same thing."
"No, not really considering I work here."
"Last I checked, your office was next door."
"Last I checked, you're a prat who shouldn't be showing up unannounced considering you're not my boyfriend anymore."
"Oh, is that what you're so concerned with? That I'm showing up unannounced because we're not dating anymore? Or because you didn't want me to find out you're a tart?"
"Hey!" Shane finally spoke, looking at me in surprise and yet disgust. "Don't you dare go calling her unwarranted names unless you want to hear the ones I have for you."
"Oh, shut it, will ya, Redford?" I snapped. "All this time I thought you were a good guy. I actually sorta liked you. But the second the chance becomes available for you to move in on my girl, you jump at it. You're such a-"
"Your girl? Your girl!?" Lily sputtered, her eyes expanding with rage. "Are you kidding me? I stopped being your girl the moment you said you didn't love me anymore! What the bloody hell is wrong with you, Potter!? You and I are over. We're finished. You made pretty damned sure of that. So I get to snog or date or be a tart with whoever the hell I want to be, y'got that?"
I felt my heart tighten. "So you two are dating then?" I asked in as calm a voice as possible.
"It doesn't matter if we are or if we aren't," she spoke coolly, shaking her head. "You don't get to ask me that question. You don't get to ask me any questions."
I didn't know what to say to that so I remained mute. For once in my life, I didn't have a response.
"Get out, James," she continued, her voice soft with anguish. "And don't bother coming back."
It hit me in that moment that everyone else had been right. I was an idiot. They did understand, maybe even more than I did. I deserved to be murdered. I had been putting too much pressure on myself and I let it affect the relationships I had with the people I loved. Lily in particular. Everyone had a right to disapprove.
Because in telling Lily I didn't love her, in hurting her in the worst way possible and in making her believe everything that we had ever been through was some sort of falsified pretense, it hadn't been the right thing for her. It hadn't even been the right thing for me.
It had been the right thing for Voldemort.
And I had done exactly what he had wanted all along.
Damnit, what the hell was wrong with me?
And now? What did I have? I was alone. I was miserable. I was filled with so much anger and resentment. I had let myself go many months ago, maybe even years, with the knowledge that things will never turn out alright.
But what's worse was I had let Lily go with that knowledge. My knowledge. Not hers. She made the decision a long time ago to believe in a positive outcome. I had always liked that about her. We balanced each other out. I couldn't help but be cynical about the future but with her telling me things were going to be alright, I could almost believe they might.
Except they weren't alright. They weren't anywhere near alright. I was so far removed from being alright that it was laughable. But it wasn't because Brite died or JT died or my father and Wyatt died. It wasn't because Wyatt or my father had abandoned their family during a time of need. It wasn't because Lily had nearly been attacked or because Dezzy and Drew had been kidnapped.
It was because there had been a day during all of these tragedies, a day I most certainly cannot pinpoint because it had occurred so covertly, that I started truly believing things wouldn't turn out alright. Before that day, I had merely wondered if things were perhaps not going to be alright. I had wondered and I had dismissed it. Until another day went by where the wonder slowly developed into uneasy denial. And then comprehending. Last but not least, belief. I believed everything was going to end badly. I had stopped hoping things would work out and started knowing they wouldn't.
But just because Lily wasn't a part of me anymore didn't mean things would work out for me. It didn't mean everything would be alright. Letting her go didn't mean the burden was lifted off of me.
It just means I inevitably let Voldemort win. I had let him believe he took everything from me. Everything. My friends, my family, my past and my present and my future, and I let myself believe that he took my ability to love.
Except he didn't. In the end, it was me and only me who had really screwed that one up.
But as I stumbled out of the Ministry that day, I realized that even if I could fix it, I wouldn't. Because even though I wasn't alright and even though I had let Voldemort win, at least I knew in the bottom of my heart that she may be alright. She could be safe. She could stay alive. I never should have let her go in the first place but now that I have, I had to move on from that decision.
Besides, considering she was already snogging some other guy, it was clear she had already moved on. Now it was my turn.
++REMUS++
Now, I can't be entirely sure what had gone down in Shane Redford's office. James has made pretty damned sure to keep that scene bottled up in his own mind. But I knew that that had been the tip of the iceberg for him. So naturally James ended up at Blarney's. Because where else would he go to drink his sorrows away? He had already drank all of the alcoholic beverages in our home and I purposely didn't buy more in hopes that James might actually remain sober for a few hours. I had clearly been wrong.
So I wasn't surprised even in the slightest to get an owl with a napkin (yes you heard me right, I said napkin) in its grasp. Just a few hasty scribbled words were there with Melinda's signature at the bottom, but I knew it wasn't going to be pretty when I arrived at Blarneys.
James needs you. Come fast. – Melinda
Apparently I wasn't the only one to get that damned note because as I was apparating to the front entrance, I heard a pop behind me and there was Sirius. Before I could even snipe at him, another pop reverberated and Peter appeared.
"Melinda?" Sirius questioned him.
Peter nodded, holding the napkin in his hand.
I sighed and opened the door to the bar. It wasn't very hard to find James. He was the one yelling towards the chef in the back to bring him a decent burger.
"I don't recall ever agreeing to babysit James when we became friends ten years ago," Sirius muttered.
I glared at him. "I seem to remember him having to babysit you after a certain black-eyed Gryffindor you just so happened to have loved disappeared in the middle of the night."
"Remus!" Peter cried out in shock.
I had no regrets for the words I said, though by the hurt daggers in Sirius' eyes he wasn't too amused by my insult. Without another word, I trudged over to James and took a seat beside him in the only other empty stool.
James barely glanced at me before groaning. "That seat is saved," he drawled, taking a huge gulp of beer.
"Oh, for who? Your beloved cousin Major Mood Swing or your distant relative Sergeant Sulky?"
He scowled at me. "Sod off, Remus. I'm not in the mood for your attempts at being funny."
"Then what are you in the mood for?" I sighed.
He snorted, his gaze falling upon the kitchen doors once again. "A burger that's actually cooked to the way I order it!" he cried out, his voice carrying throughout the bar.
"James," Melinda spoke from behind the bar. "Either shut up or go home."
"You can't tell me what to do," he snarled.
"She kinda can," Sirius argued from behind us. "She's the bartender, mate."
James whirled around to glare at him and scowled at the sight of Peter standing there as well. "Go the hell away. All of you! I don't need you looking after me, thank you very much! I'm fine!"
"You're fine, hm?" Melinda drawled, rolling her eyes. "Then why, pray tell, did you find it necessary to try starting a fight with a guy for eating a burger?"
"Burgers shouldn't be pink on the inside," James snarled. "He was a sissy for ordering it rare."
I groaned. "You started a fight because you didn't like the way someone ordered a burger?"
"No," James argued hesitantly. "I tried starting a fight but bloody Bouncer Gabe intervened."
"He means me," the other bartender spoke up from the other side of the bar. The guy that Sirius always called Beefcakes and the guy James always called a bouncer. I just called him Gabe. "I'd get him out of here if I were you before he tries starting another fight."
"Oh, you want a piece of me bloody Bouncer Gabe?!" James demanded.
"I would snap you in half in a second," he said dryly before returning to a group of ladies who were clearly trying to flirt with him.
"I could take him," James mumbled irritably. "Where's my burger!?"
"You could not take Gabe and please don't try," I argued, shooting him a look. "Any particular reason you're even more positively charming tonight?"
"Oh, gee, the sweet talk is so flattering," he drawled sarcastically, finishing off the contents of his beer glass. "Melinda, I'm going to need another one."
She shot him a look but before she could say anything, a guy to James' right stepped up to the bar. "Can I get two shots of firewhisky?"
"Hey, buddy, I was here first!" James barked.
The guy snorted but ignored him.
"Do you get off on being rude?" James snarled.
"James," I warned, the concern in my voice overwhelming.
He ignored me, his focus solely on the muscular guy standing beside him. "I won't be ignored, buddy, so go ahead and defend yourself."
"James, cut the crap and let's get out of here," Sirius urged, smacking James' shoulder in what I could only presume was supposed to be a reassuring way.
James grunted, but hopped off the barstool. He barely took one step before glancing back towards that muscular guy. "I bet you like your burgers cooked rare," he snarled.
And then James punched him.
++SIRIUS++
"What the hell, man!?" the guy who had come up to the bar to order two shots and clearly hadn't foreseen getting punched screamed out, clutching his nose. "You really want to go at it!?" he snarled, lunging for James. They toppled to the floor as James got a nice right hook against his cheek.
"JAMES POTTER, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM!?" Melinda's frantic voice came from behind the bar. Screams were emitted from those in the near vicinity, drinks were being spilled, girls were racing away as guys ran to the scene to put bets on who might win. And Remus, Peter, and I were all shouting at James to stop being an idiot.
Melinda shot a pleading look towards Beefcakes. "Gabe, do something, will ya!?"
Beefcakes snorted. "Unlike James deems me to be, I'm not the bouncer," he muttered irritably as he poured two beers for a customer.
"James, stop!" Remus shouted out, finally trying to cut in between the two going at it on the floor.
Which was a mistake on his part because the elbow of Innocent Bystander (that's what I'm calling the guy James punched) went straight towards Remus' nose.
"Fuck!" Remus swore, stumbling backwards.
"Well, you've proven yourself quite useful, Moony," I drawled sarcastically.
"At least I'm attempting to help," he snapped.
"They're guys. They're blowing off steam. Give it a minute and they'll go their separate—hey, what the hell!" I shouted when a second guy came barreling towards James and lunged at him. "Who the hell are you?"
The guy ignored me but I had a feeling he might have been who the second shot was for. I let out a loud irritable groan before attempting to intervene. No way was I going to let two guys beat up my best friend, scowling as Innocent Bystander once again took a swipe at my best friend's face. I pulled out my wand and sent a stinging jinx towards the second guy (we'll call him Not-so-Innocent Bystander), who proceed to yelp like a little girl and jump off my friend, scraping at his neck in pain. "You want a second one? I mastered them when I was only eleven," I sneered.
"Damnit, Sirius, why the hell would you pull out your wand?" Remus snapped as Not-so-Innocent Bystander pulled out his on me and barked, "Diffindo!"
I winced as a slash mark went across my arm, blood slowly oozing out. "That the best you could do?" I snorted, looking at the small albeit deep cut. "Diffindo!"
The guy tried jumping out of my way, sloshing a full mug of beer on to Peter, but a much larger gash appeared on his shoulder. I grinned triumphantly.
"Dammit, Sirius, stop encouraging him," Remus snapped, pulling out his own wand before Not-so-Innocent Bystander could retaliate, his wand already in my face. "Protego!" Remus shouted. An invisible shield erupted among us all, blasting each of us backwards. James slid across the floor, I fell against the bar and rammed my forehead into James' empty beer glass with a sickening crunching sound, Peter ducked and started crawling towards the exit, Remus rammed into Not-so-Innocent Bystander where they both then proceeded to fall to the floor, and Innocent Bystander slammed his head into the bar stool with a groan.
James was attempting to get up to clearly return to the fight but with Remus grabbing ahold of his one arm and me grabbing ahold of the other, we were successfully able to drag him out of Blarney's while he squirmed and screamed at us the entire time.
"LET ME GO!" he shouted, struggling to free himself of our grasp.
"James, what the hell is your problem!?" Remus snapped, tightening his grip around James' right upper arm.
"My problem is you right now, Remus!" he snarled, continuing to writhe while rage shone through his eyes. "Let go of me!"
"So that you can go punch some other guy for no apparent reason?" Remus snarled.
"Oh, get up off your high horse, Moony, and let go of my bloody arm!"
"More like your bloody face," I muttered, glancing towards the blood stains on James' face.
"Have you seen yours?" he snorted, nodding towards my forehead. I gently let my right hand knead the spot and winced immediately. There was definitely some glass embedded in a cut. Just great.
"And who do I have to blame for that?" I snapped.
James ignored my comment. "Let go of me, guys! I'm fine! I'm not going to go back in there, alright? You don't have anything to worry about!"
I loosened my grip with a sigh as James ripped his arm hastily out of mine before doing the same with Remus. He let out a loud huff and started storming off.
"That's where you're wrong, James," Remus called out after him. "We clearly do have something we need to worry about."
James didn't bother stopping.
I sighed and rushed after him, Remus and Peter right on my heels. "James, you haven't punched a guy since Hogwarts," I started, shrugging. "And while it was mildly entertaining-"
"Sirius," Remus warned.
"-It's not you anymore," I pointed out. "And considering you've been apathetic and distant and cold up to this point, my guess is something set you off to this new irate behavior of yours. Want to inform us what that something might have been?"
"No," James said curtly, strutting faster down the sidewalk, trying to wipe the blood from his face.
I bet we looked like a bunch of idiots, all wandering the busy streets with scrapes and bruises and blood pouring down our faces. At least that's the impression I got when I noticed the stares we were receiving.
"James," I said.
He continued to ignore me.
"Fucking hell, will you stop please!? What the hell happened?" I snapped, reaching out to grab his shoulder and turn him around.
The glare on his face when I turned him around was unlike anything I've ever seen. And that's saying something considering the look on James' face towards me after he had saved Severus Snape from a near-death experience with Moony. Anger didn't even begin to describe what he was feeling at that moment. A slight panic appeared in the back of my head as I wondered what he could have possibly found out to make him this way.
"Lily was snogging Shane, that's what happened!" he barked, his hazel eyes dark with rage. "Now will you leave me the hell alone!?" He continued to rush down the sidewalk as the three of us remained rooted to the spot, shocked.
Lily was snogging Shane?
"Lily was snogging Shane?" Peter said, clearly reading my mind. "That doesn't sound like her."
Remus snorted. "You'd be surprised."
I glared at Remus and once again rushed after James. "STOP WALKING AWAY FROM THIS!" I cried out.
James froze and slowly turned around, the rage in his eyes replaced with guilt. "Lily was kissing another guy, Sirius," he snarled. "I have nothing else to do except walk away."
I frowned. When Remus and Peter appeared beside me, they were frowning, too. I wondered if we were all thinking the same thing.
James, m'friend, you put yourself here.
But when you just found out the girl you loved was snogging some other guy, your friends knew well enough to not say that.
"I know what you're thinking," James said broodingly as he hung his head shamefully. "That it's my fault. That if I hadn't…done what I did to her then she wouldn't have been snogging Shane."
He knew us well.
"And maybe you're right. Maybe she wouldn't have, but-"
"Maybe?" Remus interrupted, shooting him a look. "You really think using the term maybe in reference to her kissing another guy is going to let you off the hook?"
"Way to be heartless, Remus," I snapped, noticing the shattered look on James' face. "And you say you actually care for James," I couldn't help but add.
"He's right, though, Sirius," James whispered guiltily, falling to the curb with a defeated groan. He placed his head in his hands, propping himself up on his knees. "I don't deserve to be let off the hook. I shouldn't be allowed to be angry at her. I shouldn't be allowed to be jealous. I shouldn't be punching other guys. I shouldn't be drinking my pain away. I did this. I looked Lily in the eyes and I…I told her I didn't love her. I…dammit, I shouldn't even be allowed to live in the same world as her after I did that. Why did I do that? Why did I do that?"
His voice was on the cusp of being manic. He glanced up at us and it broke my heart to see how much pain was staring back at me. "That girl has done nothing but love me and care for me, putting up with me when I was a hot mess and she was there for me through everything. And how do I repay her? I…I-I tell her that I don't love her! I ruined everything. Everything. And...and I-I just can't come back from that. Ever. It's...it's over. I-I made it over between us. The girl I've loved since I even knew what love was, and I ended it."
And then for the first time since I've known James, even through Wyatt's disappearance and Brite's death, even though Jaron's kidnapping and death and through numerous Auror deaths and even through his sister's kidnapping and the attack on Lily and Wyatt's death and his father's death and Caleb's death, this was the first time in our entire friendship that I watched as a tear slipped down James' cheek. And then another. And suddenly he wasn't holding anything back as he let himself cry.
The three of us froze. We had never seen James shed a single tear let alone a bunch of them. This was unchartered territory and none of us knew what to even
He wiped hastily under his eyes, clearly embarrassed and feeling so much raw guilt. "Everything is just spiraling out of control," he murmured, clearing his throat. "And...and it can't be fixed. None of it can."
I really wish I had some words of encouragement for him but I didn't. I was at a loss of words for the broken friend in front of me.
"Guys, just go home," he said feebly, slowly shaking his head. "Please just leave me alone. You can't help me. No one can." Once again he dropped his head down, burying it in his arms as he shut his eyes tightly.
Remus, Peter, and I exchanged a look. A look bursting with sympathy and even empathy. Of compassion and yet trepidation. And instantly, we all dropped down to the curb beside our friend.
He glanced up in surprise, turning to his right to see Peter and Remus and quickly to his left to look at me. "Wow, you guys really don't listen, do you," he muttered, running his fingers through his hair haggardly.
"We listened," Remus spoke. "We just chose to ignore it, you damned martyr." He had a teasing smile on his face.
"I'm not trying to be a martyr," James retaliated, shooting him a look. "I'm just trying to be honest. And honestly, you guys are better off without me."
"And honestly, that's bullshit," I snapped, shaking my head. "We're your best friends, James. We don't care how much shit you're going through, we're going to be right there by your side. Through it all."
"But, Sirius, I-"
"Don't 'but Sirius' me," I scoffed. "James, I have been there. I know what it's like to feel alone and helpless. I know what it's like to feel like your friends can't help you. Or do you not remember the Snape incident back in Hogwarts?"
Their three expressions froze, but it was Remus' eyes I met. His gaze had unexpectedly softened and he had to quickly turn away.
"And look where we are now," I concluded with a shrug. I turned my gaze back on James. "We all make mistakes. But that doesn't mean we're going to turn our backs on each other. No matter how hard you try pushing us away and no matter what mistakes we've made in the past or that we may make in the future and no matter what has happened or what will happen, we're always going to be best friends."
James frowned, swallowing hard. "You really believe that, Sirius?" he murmured, clearly unconvinced.
I shrugged. "We're the Marauders. I believe we can get through anything."
"Anything?" Remus' voice chimed in scornfully.
I stiffened, knowing what he was referring to as I met his stony gaze once again. I didn't speak immediately before finally deciding on, "We all make mistakes." My eyes didn't stray from Remus'.
"Which is a worse mistake, Padfoot?" James murmured. "You almost murdering our enemy by attempting to use Moony's condition?" I flinched. "Or me telling Lily I don't love her anymore even though that is so far from the truth?"
Silence followed. Or as much silence as there could be in the middle of a noisy street.
Finally, Remus spoke. "The latter."
James arched an eyebrow. "Really? I would have thought you'd say the former."
"Sirius makes stupid mistakes all the time," he spoke coldly. "This is new for you, however."
I rolled my eyes. "Clearly you don't remember the first six years of James' Hogwarts stay when stupid mistakes were his forte."
"You mean during the time when you were his right-hand man?" Remus snorted.
I shrugged it off. "I wasn't trying to impress a girl then."
"He got the girl in the end, did he not?"
"And then lost her," I sighed.
"Thank you for talking about me like I'm not even here," James whined, putting his head in his hands again defeatedly.
I glanced at my best friend and wished there was something I could say or do to make him smile again. He so needed it. I sighed. "Life sucks, James" was all I could think of saying. "It really sucks."
His brow furrowed as he slowly turned to look at me. "That's all you got for me? 'Life sucks?' Really?"
I shrugged. "I think it pretty much sums it up, doesn't it? I'm not going to try and sugarcoat it for you. I think you've had enough of that and clearly it hasn't been working," I spoke freely, ignoring the grimace on Remus' face. "I don't know if things are going to be okay and I don't know what to expect in the future. The only thing I can tell you is that life sucks. But when you have friends by your side, you get through it."
James' eye migrated towards my forehead. "Says the guy with a piece of glass sticking out of his head."
I grinned. "Have I mentioned recently that life sucks?"
James sighed and reached for his wand. "C'mere, you big moron," he said, trying to take a closer peek at the cut.
"Says the guy who was the reason behind this glass in my forehead," I teased, leaning towards him. "If you injure me any further, Potter, you're a dead man."
He shrugged, examining my forehead. "I'm already as good as dead with Voldemort, so I think I'll take my chances with you."
I jerked back irritably, frowning. "James," I said hesitantly.
"Oh, come off it. I was joking!" he reassured. And then it happened.
He smiled.
It was a smile over a Voldemort joke, but it was still a smile. And at that point, I was willing to take anything.
++SHANE++
Stunned doesn't even begin to describe what I had been feeling in that moment. I couldn't help but stare at Lily who looked so torn among a flurry of emotions. Horror. Guilt. Confusion. But mostly pain.
"Lily," I said softly, taking a step towards her.
"Please don't," she whispered, holding her hand up to stop me as her eyes shut tightly. "I-I'm not so sure I want to hear what you have to say."
My heart ached for her. Overwhelmingly so. She looked so crushed. So defeated. She didn't deserve to feel that way. "I'm sorry, Lily."
Her eyes fluttered open, bewilderment staring back at me. "You're sorry?" she said, surprised. "What do you have to be sorry about? I'm the one who just jumped you and then made you privy to an overdramatic fight with my boy—er, ex-boyfriend."
I shrugged. "I'm sorry that you're going through all of this."
"Stop being so damned compassionate," she muttered, shaking her head with a guilty sigh. "You're making me feel even guiltier."
"Guilty? What do you have to feel guilty for?"
She frowned, slowly shaking her head. "Never mind," she sighed, slowly taking a few steps back away from me.
I cocked my head to the side, reading the panic in her eyes. "You feel guilty for kissing me, don't you? Because of him?"
She dropped into one of the chairs opposite my desk. "Does it make me pathetic that I actually care what he thinks?"
I shook my head, leaning up against the credenza behind me. "Not at all," I urged. "You're still in love with him, Lily."
"I don't want to be."
I offered her a crooked smile. "You can't always help who you love." Believe me, I would know. "Especially a guy you've been with for four years."
She didn't say anything immediately, clearly mulling over my words. "I'm sorry, Shane," she whispered, tugging at the end of her hair guiltily. "I'm not normally like this."
There was such guilt and confusion in her words, I had a feeling she was apologizing for more than just kissing me. "Given the circumstances, I don't think you have much to apologize for."
She blushed. "Well, with what happened on Friday and now. I just…I don't know, I don't want you thinking…please don't…I hope you know…" she dithered awkwardly.
And then I realized what she was referring to. "Wait, are you afraid that I'll think less of you because of what happened between you and Sirius and now you and me?"
She blush on her cheeks turned darker and she looked away.
"Merlin, Lily, I could never think less of you!" I spoke hastily, stepping off the credenza and walking around to the front of my desk and leaning up against it to face her. "You don't have a malicious or immoral bone in your body. Just because-"
"How can you say that after what I did with Sirius…" she whispered, trailing off.
"Because I know you," I continued with a curt shrug. "I've known you for about ten years and have worked closely with you for three of those. I even dated you for a few months about seven years ago. We all make mistakes, there's no question about it. But you would never do anything to intentionally hurt someone. You're a good person. And one of these days you'll be able to believe it again."
I could tell she was still in denial but I didn't have any other arguments. Over time, she would be able to forgive herself for her mistakes. And over time, she would get over the fact that James told her that he didn't love her. One day, someday, she would be able to see her life without James.
She met my gaze and eventually said, "Can…can we just forget that this whole thing ever happened?"
"I'm not so sure I'm going to be able to forget snogging a gorgeous woman."
She cringed, crimson flooding to her cheeks. "Stop flattering me. I don't deserve it."
"A gorgeous woman always deserves flattery."
She groaned. "Stop!" she whined, a smile on her face.
I chuckled, shrugging. "Consider it forgotten, Lily."
"Thank you," she said softly.
I glanced over at my desk, a stack of paperwork staring up at me. I shrugged. "What do you say we get out of here and go get pissed at a pub?"
"That sounds like the best idea you've ever had."
I laughed, stepping up off the edge of the desk. "Hey, it was I who initiated the idea for quarterly assemblies between all of the companies for a better chance at international peacekeeping, did I not?"
She pretended to throw my comment around in her mind before shaking her head. "Nope, I still think getting wasted tonight on your money was the best idea you've ever had," she teased, climbing out of the chair and heading towards the door.
"What? I didn't say anything about paying for you, too!" I argued.
She grinned mischievously. "Dude, my boyfriend of four years told me he didn't love me. The least you could do is pay."
I scowled, but was grateful to see that the smile was still on her face even after admitting the cold, hard truth aloud. "You play dirty, Miss Evans."
"Don't forget your wallet," she teased, winking as she whisked herself out of my office and led the way to the elevator.
I wasn't surprised when I ended up paying for all of the drinks that night.
++KEEGAN++
"Sirius!" I said in surprise when he knocked on my door. "What the hell happened to your face?"
He sighed. "James decided it would be a good idea to start a bar fight over hamburgers."
I blinked. "What?"
"Oh, that and he caught Lily kissing Shane."
"What?"
"Yeah, that was pretty much his reaction, too. Now please tell me you have a way of making me forget that my face feels like it got run over by a herd of giants." He grinned suggestively at me.
I chuckled. "I don't want blood on my sheets," I teased.
He shot me a look.
I laughed. "Oh, come here, you big baby," I said, closing the gap between us to kiss him.
++LILY+
I was definitely a little more than drunk that evening but I had a great time. Shane and I went for drinks often after work but there was something different about that night. Maybe because it was the first time I actually felt as if I wanted to move on from James. And the only way I realized that was from spending an entire evening not thinking about him or bringing him up in conversation. It was as if a weight was lifted off my shoulders, knowing that maybe I could have a life without him. Was it the life I thought I would be living? No. But I could dwell on the past and dwell on the words James spoke to me without so much as understanding it or I could try to look forward and realize I didn't need him.
The problem was, no matter how much I knew I didn't need him, that didn't stop me from wanting him.
But instead of just admitting that to myself, I was apparently doing everything in my power to distract myself. I was making huge errors of judgment and I was so massively ashamed by it. First with Sirius and then with Shane. No matter how distraught I was didn't mean I could go hooking up with random people. I knew in my heart it was just my way of trying to gain some sort of comfort from the people I was close with to know that the past four years hadn't been a complete waste of time, but that didn't make . He had been my family for four years. I had already lost one family. Losing another was unbearable. And somehow Sirius had been there by my side when it had all gone wrong and all I wanted to believe in that moment was that my heart wasn't as broken as it felt. And Shane was saying all the right things to me. All of the things James used to say to me and let go of.
I had just needed something to be able to control since my break-up hadn't been one of those things. But it wasn't control I gained. It was just shame. I wasn't gaining control, I was spinning out of control. I didn't even know who I was anymore. And that's what I hated the most. James had taken my heart and my confidence and my love. He didn't get to take the rest of me, too.
I was pouring myself a large glass of water from all of the alcohol I consumed that night when there was a knock at the front door. Glancing at the clock, it was after midnight so I couldn't for the life of me figure out who it might be. I frowned and reluctantly opened it.
I was shocked to see Maya Potter standing there.
"Hi, Lily," she spoke with a smile.
I couldn't even remember what I had felt in that moment but I could imagine it was a combination of confusion and shock. "Hi."
"I-I know it's late, but Sirius stopped by earlier to tell me...well, that doesn't matter," she murmured hastily. "I just realized that I had been so focused on what was going on with my son that I never once stopped to think of you."
I wondered what Sirius had told her that made her immediately think of me but I didn't harp on it. "It's alright," I found myself saying, shrugging. "I didn't expect you to."
"But I expect it of myself," she continued, bowing her head in shame. "And I just need you to know something."
I nodded hesitantly.
She looked up at me, the guilty adoration in her eyes unmistakable. "Just because you're no longer a part of my son's life doesn't mean you're not a part of mine."
The words nearly knocked the wind out of me, crushing the tiny bit of stability I had gained from that evening. I had been able to hold it together for an entire evening and yet here was the woman I could call a second mother to me telling me she would still be there for you. I had desperately hoped that would be the case when James broke up with me because I had already lost one mother. I didn't want to lose another. But as I let the words soak in, I realized that her standing there was just another reminder of how much had gone wrong. "That means a lot to me," I whispered. Because it did. Just because I was hesitant to accept the words didn't mean they weren't significant.
"I'm always going to be here for you, Lily," she continued.
"I know," I choked out, trying to desperately blink back the tears.
She simply reached out and embraced me and after a night where I hadn't thought of James once, I let him once again sink into my thoughts.
Dammit, he was always going to be there.
++JAMES++
I spent nearly my entire Saturday on my balcony with a twelve-pack of beer and my anxious thoughts to keep me warm.
I thought about Brite and the positive outlook he had on life no matter what was going on. He always cracked a joke and made us laugh when we heard our parents fight. He was the one who let us believe we could move on past Wyatt's disappearance. He would hate the way I was acting.
I thought about JT and the way his laugh could fill up a room. He reminded us to laugh even when our hearts were breaking. He kept us all young and innocent in a world that wasn't.
I thought about Wyatt and his ability to let things go. He wasn't easily bothered by the little things that in the larger scope of life were insignificant. He had always believed that it was the people in your life who mattered, not the day to day activities.
I thought about my father and his need to protect his family. I shared that with him and I just prayed that my fate wouldn't inevitably be the same as his. If I continued carrying on the way I had been, there wasn't a doubt in my mind that it would.
And I thought of Lily. The girl I devoted four years to. The girl who never gave up on me even when I deserved it. The girl who was always filled with optimism even in an abysmal world. Who knew when to make me laugh. Who knew what truly mattered. Who was there to protect me in every way she could. I tried to do the same for her but in the end, I just failed myself.
Maybe it was time I just admitted that I had failed. I had failed her. I had failed our relationship. I had failed my heart. And I had failed all of the people who had died at the hands of Voldemort. The people who I should be honoring in every decision I make. And instead I was just destroying their memory by letting Voldemort take over my mind and soul. I needed to make a change. I couldn't live like this anymore.
I finished my last beer and strolled back into my bedroom, never looking back.
++REMUS++
Sunday morning came and I was grateful for a morning of sleeping in. Of course, James had other plans for me.
"Moony, get your arse out of bed!" James cried out, barging into my room.
"Oy! Shut up, will ya?" I muttered, rolling over and throwing my bedspread over my head. "It's far too early to deal with your sulking self." In fact, it was nearing ten o'clock but I had been out late with Peter the night before, desperately needing a break from James. And Sirius.
James let out an irritated grunt. "It is Sunday morning, Moonylicious."
"Don't call me that!"
"It's Sunday, Moony."
I rolled back over and peeked my head out, cracking an eye open. "Yeah and last I checked that was the day for rest."
"Or the day for Corner Joe's."
I froze, my other eye fluttering open as I stared up at him. "Seriously?"
"Why wouldn't I be serious about that? We've been going to Corner Joe's every Sunday morning, give or take a few, for the past three years."
I glared at him, sitting upright. "Give or take a few?" I snorted. "The last three Sundays I have tried dragging you out of bed to Corner Joe's you told me to go straight to hell, proceeded to throw an empty beer bottle at me, and said you were never, ever going back to Corner Joe's."
He shrugged. "I changed my mind."
I found myself smiling. "You did?"
He nodded before running his fingers through his hair nervously. "Look, I know that I've been…"
"An ass?"
He shot me a look.
"Stubborn?"
His look intensified into a glare. "Yes, fine, but-"
"Unapologetic?"
"Alright, yes, but-"
"Cynical?"
"Yes, but-"
"Selfish? Sulky? A royal prat? Inconsiderate? Angry at the world?"
"Yes, yes, yes, and yes," James sighed.
"You missed a yes."
"Eh, I chose not to say yes to royal prat. I don't deserve to be compared to royalty."
Another smile crept on to my face. "You're making a non-cynical joke."
He blinked. "Er…I'm not sure how to respond to that."
"You're going to be okay, aren't you."
He didn't have to ask me what I meant by that. A slow smile spread across his face and he nodded. "Yeah," he said with a curt nod. "I think I might."
I grinned at him.
"I can't dwell on the past, Moony. I've somehow got to find a way to move on. I can start doing that by going to Corner Joe's."
"No argument here!" I said with a relieved sigh. I stifled a yawn and threw my bedspread off of me, aiming to get dressed and follow James to Corner Joe's. Before I could slip out of my bed, however, I hesitated. "You're still kinda an ass, though."
A frown replaced his satisfied smile. He sunk down on to the end of my bed with a deafeated sigh. "For what I did to Lily?"
I nodded.
"I know," he whispered. "But…"
"But you don't regret doing it."
He met my gaze and shrugged curtly. "At times, yes. But overall, no," he said softly. "I did what I felt I had to do. For her. For me. I do love her and that's why…that's why I did it."
"James-"
"But…I know that I can't use Voldemort as my excuse anymore," he hastily continued. "I and I alone made the heartbreaking decision to let her go. I hope you know, I hope everyone knows, that it wasn't an easy decision. Not even in the slightest. You think I wanted to hurt her? No. Of course I didn't."
"James-"
"But I had to do what I felt was right. And you can all call me selfish but I did it for her and only her. I have my reasons and I stand by them. I realize that no one will probably ever understand my reasoning, but I-"
"I understand," I found myself blurting out, my thoughts being hijacked by Jillian. I had told her not to marry me because I was trying to protect her. Plain and simple. And that's exactly what James felt he had to do with Lily. Except the difference was, I gave Jillian the option. James didn't give that same courtesy to Lily. "I do, James. But where I think you're still an ass is because you didn't let her know your reasoning. You're letting her think you don't love her. And is that really what you want?"
He frowned, contemplating my words. His brow furrowed curiously, his lips thinned stubbornly, and his eyes clouded over with uncertainty. "No," he said hesitantly. "But it's what I need."
I wanted to push him further, question his true intentions. I wanted to get more answers from him. I wanted to understand. But he wouldn't let me. He stood up abruptly and headed towards the door. "I'm leaving in ten minutes. And I have a good feeling you'll want to come along to enjoy the shocked looks on everyone's faces when I show up."
He swept out the door and I couldn't help but grin. Yes, this certainly would be entertaining.
++KAY++
"What's the point?" Lance murmured, rolling over in bed to prop himself up on his elbow. He didn't have a shirt on – just a pair of flannel pajamas – and his hair was sticking up in about a million places, his eyes weary and a frown rested on his face. But I thought he looked so incredibly sexy.
"I don't know," I admitted with a sigh, exiting the bathroom to face him. "I just feel like we can't disrupt the routine, y'know?"
"A routine put forth by James and Lily three years ago," he spoke, arching an eyebrow.
I frowned. He was right. September after graduation had come and gone without so much of any of us seeing each other. James was learning how to be an Auror, Lily had jumped headfirst into her apprenticeship, I was busy studying healing, Sirius was…well, Sirius was avoiding everyone and drinking his sorrows away, Remus was frantically looking for a long-term job, and Peter was at the pub round the clock. I remember when Lily barged into my bedroom when we had still been roommates on an early Sunday morning and demanded that we go to Corner Joe's. She forced me to bring Lance along, who brought Drew and Dezzy, while James picked up the remaining Marauders. Thus began a tradition that none of us had ever been willing to let go of.
Until clearly now.
"It's going to be like the last Friday Night Dinner," he sighed. "Everyone speculating about the two of them and trying not to harp on the fact that there are two glaring empty seats beside us. And what good is that going to do?"
"I don't know," I repeated frantically. "But I don't want the rest of us to give up on each other just because those two had given up one another."
He frowned. "Why would any of us give up on each other? Just because James and Lily are going through a tough time doesn't mean that anything else has to change."
I slowly re-entered the bedroom and perched on the end of the bed. "Lance," I said softly. "This changes everything."
"Why?" He was the one who sounded frantic now.
"Because they were the glue that held us all together."
"That's giving them far too much credit," he muttered.
"I'm just giving credit where credit is due."
"Kay-"
"Besides, you're really going to lie there and tell me that nothing has to change when you just said what was the point in trekking to Corner Joe's?"
His lips pursed guiltily. "Why must you always win our arguments?" he sighed, the ends of his mouth tugging upward. He grabbed my arm and pulled me closer to him, kissing me.
I chuckled, kissing him back. "I'm smarter than you?"
"No, that's not it," he whispered, his lips dancing across mine.
"You let me win?"
"Ah, that must be it," he teased, twirling a strand of my stray hair around his finger. "If you want to go to Corner Joe's, we will go."
I hesitated, curling up against his half-naked body as I intertwined my fingers with his. "I feel like we owe it to them," I said softly.
He smiled down at me, burying his lips in my hair. "You're feeling nostalgic because you haven't seen Lily in three weeks, aren't you."
My heart skipped a beat as I met his gaze. He knew me so well. Too well. Because he was right. Every time I tried going over to her apartment, she wasn't there. I found myself hanging out a lot more with Keegan recently than my own best friend. "I've literally seen her twice since her break up and both times, she barely looked at me. She's…she's going through a tough time but is too afraid to admit it to anyone."
"You're a good friend, Kay," he reassured, drawing circles with his thumb on the back of my own hand.
"Hm, not sure what that has to do with Lily ignoring me, but-"
"She'll come around. When she wants to talk, she'll find you."
I sighed, but felt slight comfort when his lips pressed against my temple. I don't know what I would do without Lance. He made everything easy. "I think I'm going to head over there this morning."
"I thought you wanted to go to Corner Joe's? Not that I'm against going," he said sheepishly, his brow furrowing in bewilderment.
"We are going. But so is she."
His eyebrow shot up. "You really think you can convince her?"
"I can try, can't I?"
He smiled, leaning down to kiss me. "You're a good friend, Kay."
"And you are a good fiancé," I whispered, running my lips down his bare chest.
"Oh, you are most definitely that as well," he whispered breathlessly, running his fingers through my tangled hair as my lips kissed his stomach. "Better than good, in fact. Great. Great fiancée." I shot him a twisted grin as my lips became dangerously close to his waistband. "The best fiancée a guy could have." I giggled, pulling down his pajama pants and letting his hardened cock escape. "Dammit, let's just get married n—ohhh!" he moaned as my lips made a raid towards his shaft.
I grinned. "So you're coming to Corner Joe's, right?"
"Oh, I'm definitely coming."
I didn't bother commenting on the double entendre as I let my exploits do the talking for me.
++LILY++
Keegan did everything in her power to try and convince me to go to Corner Joe's, but I ignored her every attempt. I was perfectly content spending my Sunday morning in the comfort of my own bedroom with a cup of home-brewed coffee and a good book. Avoiding the world was something I was determined to become good at.
I was grateful when she finally let it go, telling me if I wasn't going to go, she wasn't either. I tried to convince her to go be with her friends but in the end she refused. Instead, she chose to go into the office. Which was fine by me. At least it still left me an empty apartment to myself.
Which explained why I groaned loudly at the sound of a knock on the door. I cautiously opened it. "Oh, hey, Kay."
"You're going to Corner Joe's."
I frowned. "Am not."
"Yeah, you are."
"What is with everyone trying to get me to go to Corner Joe's?" I mused irritably.
Kay gazed at me curiously.
"Keegan tried getting me to go," I explained with a shrug. "And she failed."
"You can't hole yourself up in here forever," Kay said pleadingly.
"Sure I can."
"Lily."
"Kay, I'm not going," I said stubbornly, shaking my head. "I…I can't go."
She frowned. "Why not?"
I blinked once. And then again. She continued staring at me, begging for answers with her eyes. "I can't face any of them, Kay," I said softly.
"It's James that should be ashamed of facing everyone, not you," she muttered irritably. James clearly wasn't her favorite person at the moment.
"It's not because I'm ashamed," I was quick to retaliate, my words filled with sorrow. "It's because…everything has changed."
"It doesn't have to, though," she said softly. "Not if you don't want it to."
"It already has. Whether or not any of us would like to admit it, everything's changed. A line has been drawn in the sand and…he's on one side and I'm on the other."
Kay hesitated. "And where do the rest of us fall on that line?"
I met her gaze, trying not to show the panic that was erupting in my heart. "I'm hoping you're on my side, but…"
"There's no but, Lily. I am on your side."
I barely nodded. "And yet everyone else is on the other side," I whispered.
"What?"
I desperately tried blinking back the tears that were fighting to form. "Sirius, Remus, and Peter complete James – they're the Marauders. Frank, Alice, Fabian – they work with James. Dezzy is his sister. Drew is his brother-in-law. Which…which makes Lance his brother-in-law. And therefore by default, you-"
"No," Kay practically blurted out angrily. "Just because Lance is James' brother-in-law does not make me James' friend first. Lily, I've known you for ten years. You're my best friend. And as your best friend, I know that all of this speculation is just your way of making it easier dealing with the pain. So hell, I'm not going anywhere. I know you're hurting so stop trying to act all brave and stop putting on this act that you're fine. I know you're not. And if you don't want to talk about it, that's okay. If you don't want to go to Corner Joe's, that's okay. But don't you dare shut me out. I refuse to let you."
I was slightly taken aback by her outburst. She seemed rather offended and I knew that I had made her feel that way. "I'm just trying to make it easier on everyone else," I said softly. "Not me."
Her eyebrow arched slowly.
I sighed. "Alright, well maybe it's partly for me, too. But if I draw the line in the sand then they don't have to."
"No one wants you to draw that line, Lily."
"I do."
She sighed. "You don't have to be alone in this, Lily."
I wanted to argue. I wanted to say that it didn't matter that she was Lance's fiancée – that she was my friend first. But the words wouldn't form. Because I knew it wasn't necessarily true. "I don't want to talk about this anymore," I said firmly, swallowing the lump in my throat.
"You're not going to come to Corner Joe's, are you," she sighed.
I shook my head.
"Well, fine then, but I'm coming in," she said lightly, shoving past me into my apartment.
"I don't want to keep you from going, Kay," I argued guiltily.
She plopped down on my couch with a shrug. "I don't want to be anywhere else than here right now."
That should have made me feel better. It should have made me smile and sigh in relief. But it didn't. It just made me feel guilty that she was stuck babysitting me instead out at Corner Joe's with her friends.
As I shut the door, I tried to ignore the fact that I had just called them 'her friends.' As in, not mine.
Not only did he take my heart and my confidence and my love and apparently my control, but now, he has taken my friends.
Damn you, James Potter.
++JAMES++
It wasn't a full house that morning. Not even a little bit. Sirius was missing (though I had a feeling that had more to do with Remus), Kay was MIA (could only assume it was on Lily's behalf), and Alice and Frank chose not to join us (pretty sure it's because Alice is still peeved at me for telling Lily I didn't love her).
As I slid into an empty chair, I ignored the six shocked expressions staring up at me. Dezzy and Drew sat side-by-side, their identical cinnamon lattes (my sister's being a decaf) placed in front of them, Lance lounged casually with the Sunday edition of the Daily Prophet in his hands, Fabian gazed up from the crime report he was in the middle of writing, and Peter's mouth hung open in shock. "Hey, guys," I greeted casually. "Is anyone going to eat that?" I asked, nodding towards a blueberry scone in the center of the table.
I didn't get a response but I wasn't expecting to. I reached for it and chucked a piece into my mouth.
Remus couldn't help but grin foolishly from beside me. "Iced coffee, James?"
"Nah, I'll splurge. Get me a cappuccino."
Remus rolled his eyes. "Do I look like I'm made of money?"
"You don't pay rent, Moonylicious."
He hesitated. "Touché. And don't call me that."
He disappeared up to the register while I glanced back over at my friends. "Anything interesting going on in the Prophet, Lance?"
He blinked. "Yeah, the front page headline."
My heart sank. "What does it say?" I sighed hesitantly.
"That much to everyone's surprise, James Potter is alive."
I glared at him while the table erupted into laughter. "You prat. Don't make me throw my cappuccino at you, Gilmore," I said, seizing the paper from Lance's hand much to his protest. "Where's Kay?"
He shifted in his chair uncomfortably, sharing a curious gaze with his brother. I pretended not to notice but I had a pretty good feeling that they had been talking about me before I showed up on the scene. "Out," Lance said with a shrug.
"In other words," I murmured, "she's with Lily."
Lance shrugged. "Yeah."
He was hiding something, but as I opened my mouth to retort, I was silenced by a voice behind me.
"James."
I froze and turned around to face my brother. "Hey, Grant."
"So, you are alive, hm?"
"According to the Daily Prophet, yeah."
His eyebrow narrowed, confused. "What?"
"Never mind," I chuckled. "Remus is in line. Feel free to have him buy you a coffee. He's in a generous mood right now because he's trying to keep me happy."
Grant couldn't help but laugh, but instead pulled up a chair beside me. "Are you?"
I gazed at my brother. A brother I haven't really spoken to since I was probably like ten years old. "What do you think?"
Grant didn't respond, nodding to the newspaper in my hands. "How's Keegan doing with our exposé?"
I froze, realizing I hadn't thought about the exposé in weeks. Since before the New Year. I had asked her to write about my family, asked her to help the world learn the truth, and I hadn't had a second thought about it in over a month. "Er…good, I guess. These things take time to write."
A crooked smile appeared on his face. "You forgot about it, haven't you."
I groaned. "I…I've had a lot on my mind."
He shrugged hesitantly. "As long as she hasn't forgotten, hm?"
Remus reappeared, a surprised and yet pleased smile on his face as I'm sure he witnessed the congenial conversation between Grant and myself. He handed me his cappuccino and slipped into an empty seat.
As I sipped the cappuccino, I tried ignoring the scrutinizing stares I was getting from my friends. "Grant, last I heard, you were traveling around China. How was it?"
His eyebrow arched slowly, a curious smile twisting on his face. "I'll answer your question if you answer one of mine."
My lips pursed instinctively, my eyes narrowing irritably. "If it's about Lily, I really don't care that much about China."
He shrugged. "Fair enough."
Silence fell over our table as we sipped our drinks and attempted to ignore the huge elephant in the room.
"Are you at least okay, James?" Peter dared to ask.
As I met his gaze – as I met all of my friends' gazes, I was surprised to find out that that question didn't irritate me or make me fearful like it had only a few days earlier. I slowly nodded. "Yeah," I spoke. "I am."
It was the first time since I had looked Lily in the eye and broke her heart that I actually believed it.
++KEEGAN+
I didn't go into work. I should have, but I didn't. I instead found myself migrating towards Sirius' flat. I asked him if he had talked to James recently and while he was more than willing to divulge the details about a certain brawl that occurred a few days prior between James and some guy at Blarney's over a hamburger, Sirius couldn't tell me much else than that. He asked me about Lily and I was hesitant to respond. Not because I didn't want to tell him anything but because I had very little to tell. I had barely seen her over the past few weeks. Most of her time was spent in her office or holed up in her room with the door shut. She was clearly avoiding the world, not that she would ever admit that to anyone.
The conversation didn't last long (did you really expect it to?). We busied ourselves with other activities instead (talking was never really our strong suit). In a weird way, we both seemed far more desperate now for each other than before. I think it was because we were each other's links to one of the members of the James-and-Lily break-up. The Jily Pevans break-up if you will (Sirius named it if you couldn't tell. Damnit, it's catching on…).
It was scary. Knowing that James and Lily were no longer together didn't give the rest of us a whole lot of hope for ourselves being capable of love.
Which is fine because I had lost hope about four years ago.
I was departing Sirius' flat when I nearly cut someone off. I swore as I stumbled backward. "Oh, sorry," I spoke, glancing up at the accidental victim. I froze slightly. "James."
"Keegan," he said in shock.
"Hi."
"Hi."
"How are you?"
"Good. You?"
"Good."
Silence followed. Awkward silence. I opened my mouth to say something, anything and came up completely blank. I was cursing myself on the inside. I was a writer. I was supposed to be prolific.
Eventually, James spoke, his voice soft and strained. "How…how is she?"
My lips pursed defensively as I shook my head. "Don't ask me that," I pleaded, my voice guttural. "You…you shouldn't have to ask me that."
He frowned but I was grateful when he nodded. He ran his fingers through the ends of his hair nervously. "How's the exposé coming along?"
I blinked curiously. "Fine," I spoke, my voice probably colder than it needed to be. "Though it looks like Lily won't be included in it as much as I originally thought."
He met my gaze and I saw a flicker of remorse dulling in his eyes. It lasted for a mere second before it was replaced with determination. "Don't do that," he whispered, slowly shaking his head. "Don't try and make me feel guilty. I'm getting that enough from everyone else as it is."
"I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, James," I sighed. "I'm trying to understand."
"Well, don't," he said stubbornly. "It's something I barely understand so I doubt you'd be able to get it."
I frowned. "I have to make sense of it, James," I spoke coolly. "I'm a writer. It's what we do. We don't let things go. We get to the bottom of all stories and if I'm writing about your life, I have a right to ask the hard questions."
"Yes, you have that right," he responded. "And I have the right to decline them."
"That's not fair."
"Nothing about this is fair," he snorted.
Yeah, because of you, James. I let out a heavy sigh. I knew that I was harboring anger towards the guy standing in front of me. He broke Lily's heart in the worst way possible. No one should be looked in the eye by the one person they thought they would spend the rest of their life together and be told that he found their love to be nonexistent. No one. "Why'd you do it?" I blurted out.
"What?"
"Why'd you tell her you didn't love her?"
He blinked. "I thought that would be obvious," he muttered painfully.
I shook my head. "Look, I know that I can be a bitch and I know that people can see me as cold and compassionless. But I'm also not an idiot. I know what love feels like. I've been there. It may have been four years ago but love was the same back then as it is now." I knew I was rambling but I often did that when I was trying to control my anger. "And I can tell by the look in your eyes and the expression on your face that you are still very much in love with Lily Evans."
He frowned, his eyes filling with guilt.
"So why'd you do it?" I whispered.
He turned away from me, his gaze seeking the door behind me. The door that was shielding Lily behind it. "Please don't tell her" was all he could say.
Not the answer I was looking for, but he was already turning his back to me to head on into Sirius' apartment.
"James," I pleaded.
He froze but slowly turned around to face me.
"I know you know that you hurt her but I don't honestly think you realize how much," I spoke softly. I wasn't trying to attack him. I just wanted him to give him the truth. "Four years ago, my heart was shattered into a million pieces. But she's probably feeling ten times worse. Because at least I knew that when Tristan died, he still loved me."
Those were the words I wanted to leave him with. Those were the words I felt he deserved to hear. Words I'm sure that hurt him to hear but I felt he deserved to hear. I offered him a sad smile before heading towards my own apartment.
"I'm sorry, Keegan."
My hand froze on the doorknob. I glanced behind my shoulder. "What?"
He took a step closer to me. "I can't imagine what you went through losing Tristan the way you did. I think that that may be the worst possible heartbreak a single person could ever go through."
"Worse than your boyfriend telling you he doesn't love you anymore?"
He blinked. "Yeah," he said softly. "Yeah, I think that's much worse. I-I don't know how you survived."
It was pretty obvious to me that he was hiding something. Holding back. Keeping himself tight-lipped. But I didn't interrogate him further. Looking at him now, I knew that he was in pain. Just because he was the one who broke Lily's heart didn't mean his heart hadn't been broken either. "I'll see you later?" I simply said, ignoring the comment altogether.
He nodded and we both turned our separate ways. I was letting myself into my apartment when his voice stopped me again. "What were you doing in Sirius' apartment?" he asked curiously.
I froze, frantically searching for some sort of excuse. I came up blank. Slowly, I turned around. "Our friends just broke up."
James looked skeptical. "So? You hate the guy."
"No, I don't."
He shot me a look.
"I just don't particularly like him."
"Oh, good, well that explains just about nothing."
I rolled my eyes. "We were just talking."
He didn't look convinced. In fact, he looked suspicious. "You and Sirius don't talk. You sneer."
"Fine, then, we were just sneering."
"Keegan."
I grinned. "I'll see you later, James."
"You're hiding something!"
I merely waved at him as I shut the door behind me, heading into my own apartment and hoping that James would let the whole thing go.
++SIRIUS++
I was in the kitchen when I heard the front door opening. Considering no one seemed to visit me anymore, my initial thought that was it Keegan returning for something she may have forgotten. I grabbed a bag of pretzels and peeked out into the living area, freezing when I saw James there. "What…what are you doing here?" I asked, shocked.
He shrugged, dropping down on to the living room couch. "You missed out on Corner Joe's." He gestured for me to pass him some pretzels.
My eyebrows shot up. "You were at Corner Joe's?"
James shrugged. "Yep." He nodded towards the pretzels again.
"I'm going to double-check with Peter, y'know."
"I was there, Sirius," he scowled. "Pretzels?"
I tossed him the bag, my gaze never leaving him. "Well, I'm glad to hear it. It was about time you got off your butt and stopped sulking."
"I think I'm allowed to sulk." He flung a pretzel into his mouth with a shrug.
"I'm not saying you're not," I argued, plopping down on to the couch across from him. "But next time, sulk with your friends around, would ya? I can't fathom why, but we kinda missed you."
He let out a light chuckle. "Yeah, I was kinda an ass."
"Kinda is an understatement."
He shrugged, twirling a pretzel in his hands contemplatively. "I don't regret what I did," he explained slowly. "I know you all think I should, but I don't. But…but I shouldn't be allowed to sulk as I have. I made the choice that I did. And I need to live with that. Not sulk with it."
My eyebrow arched. "How big of you."
He shrugged, chucking the pretzel into his mouth. He finished chewing it before saying, "I need to move on, right?"
"Do you want to move on?"
"It's not about what I want for me," he murmured, his tone slightly irritable. "It's about what I want for her. And I want her to stay alive and safe."
I sighed. It all came back to that. It's like he didn't seem to understand that Lily didn't care about staying alive and safe if it meant not being with him. Because her life probably meant little to her without him. "I guess part of moving on is not talking about her, hm?"
"Ah, finally done speculating?"
"Not even a little bit," I joked, gesturing for him to pass the pretzels back to me. "But I can tell you're done with us all speculating."
He nodded but didn't speak, grabbing a handful of pretzels before handing them back to me. I gazed at him, surprised at how calm he actually looked. A calmness that I haven't seen in so long from him. Maybe he really was planning on moving on. That thought thoroughly disappointed me but at this point, I didn't want to argue with him. I was just glad to have him back.
"So, how's the sex with Keegan?"
Or not.
I froze, the pretzels halfway to my mouth. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me."
"How…what…but…how the hell did you find out?"
He groaned. "Good Godric, so it's true!?"
I hesitated. "No?"
"Sirius."
I scowled. "You tricked me!"
"Why, yes. Yes I did. So not the point here."
I glared at him. "How the hell did you find-"
"Keegan was leaving your apartment when I was walking in. I couldn't come up with a logical reason as to why she would be leaving your apartment. But then I remembered that it was you we were talking about and realized that you were probably fucking her."
My expression turned irritable. "Gee, thanks."
He shot me a look. "You can't be all sarcastic on me when it's true."
I sighed. "Okay, get on with it. Scold me, berate me, mock me, interrogate me."
He merely shrugged, offering me the bag of pretzels again. "You really think I'm the best person to be giving any sort of relationship advice?" he snorted. "I don't care what you do, Sirius. It's your life."
I frowned. "You're really not going to say anything?"
"No. It's none of my business."
I exhaled sharply. "Bloody hell, James, you've changed so much."
He blinked. "Excuse me?"
"A year ago – hell, even a month ago, you would be taunting me for my erratic sexual tendencies, in particular with a girl who I have cared very little for, and now you're just…you're just letting it go?"
He nodded. "What's there to taunt, Sirius? I'm not surprised by this."
My eyebrow slowly rose. "How can you possibly not be surprised by this? I'm surprised by this."
A frown hesitantly framed his face, reluctance flashing across his eyes. He cleared his throat, clearly trying to find the right words to say. "She's Riley."
I froze. Well, those definitely weren't the right words to say. "Excuse me?"
He shrugged apathetically. "Keegan," he spoke evenly. "She's exactly like Riley."
My heart skipped a beat. "She's nothing like Riley," I snarled icily. "She's here, isn't she?"
A rather sinister smile appeared on his face. I didn't like it. "Because she ran away from France," he smirked.
And I really didn't like that response. "They are nothing alike," I snapped stubbornly.
He sighed. "Girls who are afraid of commitment due to a past tragic relationship who then ran away from everything they had ever known so as to avoid dealing with their own feelings. Sound familiar, Sirius?" he snorted.
I chucked the bag of pretzels at him, harsher than expected. A few spilled out as the bag slammed into his chest. "I am not talking about Riley with you, James," I snapped, rushing off the couch towards my bedroom.
"I'm not saying this to be mean, Sirius," he spoke after me, his voice rising slightly. "I'm just pointing something out to you that I know you already know but are in far too much denial to admit."
I hesitated at my doorway before turning around to face my best friend. "Doesn't matter what I know, James," I sighed. "I'd like to keep my past separate from my present. Can you just let me have that?"
He stuck a pretzel that lay on his shirt into his mouth and eventually nodded. "I just don't want this to blow up in your face."
I hesitated. Of course it would blow up in our faces. This was Keegan and me we were talking about here. "It probably will."
"It doesn't have to."
I frowned. "It's like you said. She's Riley, hm?"
He hesitated. "I did say that, didn't I."
He shrugged. "Why do you think we're keeping it casual? Both of us have had plenty of heartache in our past. We don't want to end up down that road again."
"That's the only reason you're keeping it casual?"
"That and we hate each other."
He snorted. "I don't think you can say that when you're sleeping with each other."
"Alright, maybe we don't hate each other. But we don't particularly like each other," I teased.
A look of amusement came over James' face.
"What?" I asked, confused.
"She said almost the exact same thing when I just ran into her in the hallway," he spoke. "Maybe you two are meant for each other."
My brow furrowed. "Believe me, we are not."
"I don't think it's me you have to convince."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
He smirked. "You like her, don't you."
I rolled my eyes. "No. I like having sex with her. Big difference."
"Whatever you have to tell yourself."
"I take back what I said before. I didn't miss you," I scowled.
He chuckled, shrugging as he climbed off the couch. "You want to hit up Blarney's sometime this week?"
I sighed, grateful for the subject change. "Of course."
As he ventured towards the front door, he glanced apologetically at me. "I'm sorry I brought Riley up," he said softly. "I just…I don't want to see you get hurt again."
As he opened the door to slip out, I couldn't help but retort. "Like the way you're feeling right now?"
He froze. Only slightly but I saw his spine stiffen. His eyes met mine. "Yeah," he murmured. "Like that."
Without another word, he left.
++JAMES++
I left Sirius' apartment wondering if things would ever get back to normal again. I was trying to just live the life had created for myself but it was seemingly difficult when I was too worried with what was going on around me.
My eyes instinctively migrated to the door across the hall from Sirius'. A door where a beautiful redhead lived behind whose heart was probably broken into a million pieces because of me. It took everything within me to walk past that door without knocking.
I know you probably won't believe me when I say this but my intention really had never been to hurt her. I knew I had and in the seconds leading up to the moment I told her I didn't love her, I knew I would. But I was hoping that one hurtful moment might stop her from being in numerous hurtful moments if Voldemort set his sights on her.
I just prayed I wasn't wrong about that.
++SIRIUS++
It happened on a Wednesday. It was rather warm for a January morning and rain had permeated Godric's Hollow late the night before, providing the town with a musty damp smell and a light misty breeze. The little bit of snow that was still piled up from the last storm threatened to disappear that morning due to the moderate temperature. The sun struggled to peek through the clouds with little success, a rather even color of yellowish grey filling the overcast sky. Even with the slight haze, I chose to walk to Corner Joe's before the Ministry meeting I was forced to go to in regards to the Quidditch World Cup. Anytime I had a Ministry meeting, I typically stopped by Corner Joe's first before apparating to London. How else was I to get through those meetings without some form of caffeinated latte in hand?
James, Dezzy, Drew, and I had met up at Blarney's the night before and stayed far later than anticipated so I had unfortunately woken up rather late on that particular morning. I probably should have just apparated to Corner Joe's but I still had some time to spare and the lukewarm weather made me feel like a walk was deserved. So by the time I got to Corner Joe's, I was feeling a bit rushed.
And that's when it happened.
What if I hadn't gone to Blarney's the night before? What if it hadn't rained that morning? What if the weather wasn't warm? What if I had apparated to Corner Joe's instead of walked? What if I hadn't gone to Corner Joe's at all that morning? What if I hadn't woken up late? What if I had gone to the less favorable coffee shop right outside the Ministry instead? What if I hadn't had a meeting at the Ministry that morning?
Those were the what-ifs that would forever haunt my mind. Days, weeks, even months later, I would still ask myself those questions.
I had kept the flirting with Brandy to a minimum that morning, glancing at my watch as I grabbed my latte and whisked towards the exit. In doing so, I ran smack into another customer, my latte tipping over the edge and splashing on to the other woman's shirt. "Oh, shit! I'm so sor-" my words caught in my throat immediately as I raised my eyes to glance the person in the eye remorsefully.
But remorse vanished from my mind immediately as shock replaced it.
She smiled hesitantly. "Sirius."
My face grew white, my fists tightened instinctively. My entire body froze as my mouth slowly opened to form any words. But I was too frozen to even speak let alone think. We stood there staring at each other – she with that tentative smile on her face and myself with numbness in my mind – before I blinked and said the only thing that came to mind, the single word cold and angry and definitely unforgiving against my tongue.
"Riley?"
A/N: And after 27 chapters, you finally all get what you've been waiting for! I could sit here and analyze the rest of the chapter (James walking in on Lily and Shane, Lily realizing how ashamed she was of the person she had turned into, James finding out about Keegan and Sirius, James finally coming around), but let's face it. You all just want to harp on the fact that RILEY IS FINALLY BACK. Next chapter will certainly prove very interesting...