A/N: I'm not even going to bother saying anything here because this is the chapter you have all been waiting a long time for. So without further ado, let's get to the chapter about Riley.
Disclaimer: I'm not J.K. Rowling which means I don't own about 95% of this story.
Goodbyes on the Balcony
Chapter 28: Of Riley
By ByeByeBirdie
++SIRIUS++
It happened on a Wednesday. A Wednesday where history had come back to haunt me. A Wednesday I would never forget for as long as I lived. And a Wednesday I wanted so badly to forget.
Riley Vienna Gilmore was standing in front of me. My Riley. A girl I had fallen in love with as a naive fourteen-year-old teenager. A girl who had made me do stupid things but who inevitably gave me the second (oh and third) chance I hadn't deserved but had so desperately wanted from her. A girl who had admitted to falling in love with me back when it was probably the hardest thing she had ever had to do. And a girl who had ripped my heart out in one fail swoop the moment she walked out on me without so much as a goodbye or an explanation.
That girl was standing in front of me with a coffee in her hand and a smile on her face.
I wanted to wipe that smile off her face by throwing that bloody coffee at her.
She cleared her throat, biting down on her bottom lip awkwardly. "How are you?"
And now I just wanted to punch her.
"Did you…did you seriously just ask me how I was?" I said dryly, the anger boiling up inside of me.
Her smile wavered slightly. "Yes?"
"You're a piece of work, Riley, y'know that?" I snarled before slipping past her towards the exit. I needed to get out of there and I needed to get out of there fast.
"Sirius, wait," she pleaded, rushing after me.
I whirled around, rage blazing in my eyes. "No," I snapped, ignoring the looks I was getting from the patrons around me. "I already waited for you, Riley. For days, for weeks, for months. I waited for you to show up on my doorstep. I waited for a letter. For some type of explanation. For an apology. For a goddamned good-bye. For something. And now you have the audacity to stand in front of me asking me how I'm doing? Did you really think that that was the best way to start this conversation? Are you out of your bloody mind!?" My voice was on the verge of hyperventilation as I once again turned my back on her. I thrust open the café door and hastened into the breezy winter air.
"I didn't know what else to say!" she cried after me, her own voice filled with panic.
I kept on walking, refusing to say anything more to her. I had rid her from my life nearly four years earlier when I had come to the realization that it really was over. And in that moment in seeing her again, I realized that I still wanted it to be over and I still wanted to rid her from my life. Just because I had once loved her didn't change what she had done.
"Sirius, please!"
Fury rose from within. I had always contemplated this very moment in the past, wondering what I would say or do. Wondering what she would say or do. And strangely enough, it was never anger that coursed through my veins when I had thought of her. It had been nostalgia. But in that real moment where I was met with Riley Gilmore face-to-face once again, I wanted absolutely nothing more to do with her. Ever. I had nothing to say to her. Nothing.
"I'm sorry, Sirius!"
It was those words that made me halt immediately. I slowly turned around, trying to count to ten in my head in fear of hexing her. Which I would have been more than alright with but I had a feeling the Ministry may have frowned upon that.
She caught up to me at the corner of the street, walking slowly and hesitantly towards me. "I'm sorry," she repeated in a hushed whisper.
"For what?" I drawled dryly.
She opened her mouth and then quickly closed it, the words not coming.
"Yeah, that's what I thought," I snarled, my voice deep and angry. "You don't get to say those words to me, Riley. You don't get to say them until you mean them and right now, you don't mean them. If you did mean them, you would have sought me out years ago to apologize. You would have shown some form of remorse the moment you felt it and gone after me. Right now, you're only doing it because you ran into me. So feel free to come find me when you have a heartfelt apology. I will probably slam a door in your face but at least then I will know you actually meant it."
She hung her head in shame but I was grateful that she didn't try and deny the fact that she didn't mean it. I took a long look at her at that moment and saw a girl completely foreign to me. Her hair that was once long and jet-black was shoulder-length and tints of red streaked throughout. Her eyes, once filled with such concern and fear, were now flocked with contentment and enthusiasm. Her skin was pale and I swear she looked taller. Maybe it was the confidence she was strangely exhibiting – a sort of satisfied confidence I had never seen from her in the past. She was unfortunately more beautiful than I remembered her to be and she looked happy. Really happy.
It was on that early Wednesday morning when I realized I hated her for that. Because I can tell you that I've moved on (which I have) and I can tell you that I've let her and the past go (which I have), but what I haven't done is find a way to be happy. And if I wasn't happy, she didn't deserve to be happy.
I wanted to turn my back on her once again. I wanted to walk away from her like she did from me four years earlier. I wanted to never see or speak to her again. I wanted her to know what betrayal felt like. But I had one question I felt compelled to ask. "Are you back for good?"
Not the question you were expecting me to ask, hm? I did have a million questions for her. The one in the forefront was if she had really ever loved me. But I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that four years later, I still had questions about us. And honestly, I wasn't so sure which answer would make me hate her less.
She clearly wasn't expecting that particular question either, confusion crossing her face. "That's what you want to ask me?"
I offered her a curt nod. "Yeah, that's what I want to ask you. Just be glad I'm standing here talking to you at all, Riley."
She frowned and blurted out one of the worst things she could have possibly said. "I missed you, y'know."
Fury boiled in every crevice of my veins. "Go to hell," I snarled at her, whirling around once again to get away from her. I didn't care that she was avoiding the question. It just meant that the answer was yes. Which just made me angrier. She left England behind the day she disappeared off to Australia. She didn't deserve to be back and she didn't deserve to be staying.
"Sirius, please don't walk away," she begged, her voice hoarse with guilt.
I rushed off to the other side of the street before turning back to face her. "At least you get to watch me walk away from you for good, Riley Gilmore. I never had that chance," I snapped, my eyes narrowing into loathsome slits. "Just don't spend too much time staring at the knife in my back as I do."
And with that, I shot her one final glare before disapparating.
++JAMES++
It happened on a Wednesday. I remember very little about that day except that for a January day, it was rather balmy outside. Everyone else claimed that it had been raining but I honestly don't recall the rain. I just remember the calm before the storm erupted.
And I'm not talking about the thunderstorm.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start from when I woke up.
I have no idea how I was persuaded into doing shots of firewhisky at Blarney's the night before but it definitely led to the massive headache I felt as my eyes peeked open that morning at half past six. I groaned, choosing to turn over and sleep for an additional hour before heading into the office. I didn't really have to be anywhere until eight o'clock anyway where I was assisting Fabian with stealth drills for the recruits.
Eventually, I ventured into the kitchen where Remus was setting up shop with a bunch of reports on the table and a muffin in his hand.
"Please tell me there are more muffins lying around," I murmured, my head pounding.
Remus nodded towards the pantry. "A few blueberry. Hope you didn't want the last cranberry nut."
"At this point, I couldn't care less what it is," I spoke, heading into the pantry to look for the bag of muffins.
"You're rather cheery this morning."
"Blame Blarney's," I spoke as I came back out with a blueberry muffin in tow.
"Ah, right. Forgot you went there last night." His words were bitter and hostile.
I sighed. "What the hell happened between you and Sirius?"
"Nothing," he muttered stiffly. "Now, don't you have some recruits to torture?"
I frowned, biting into my muffin slowly. "It's been almost four weeks and you two have barely spoken to each other. That's not nothing, Moony."
He shrugged, his gaze returning to the reports in front of him. "It's really none of your concern," he sighed.
I leaned up against the counter, shooting him a look. "You two are my best friends so that makes it my concern."
"It really doesn't."
I let out another sigh. "Fine, you don't have to tell me. But I think that you and Padfoot owe it to each other to talk to one another."
"Believe me, Prongs, if you knew what this was about, you would not be advocating that."
I frowned, wondering what could possibly be so terrible that had the two of them at such odds with one another. I opened my mouth to ask but heard frantic footsteps behind me. I whirled around to see Sirius traipsing into the kitchen. For a Wednesday morning, that was certainly unusual. "Oh, good, you're here to talk to Remus then?" I said with a smirk, not noticing the ashen look on his face and the horrified look in his eye until minutes later. "I've got some recruits to get to and while I do that, I advise that you two kiss and make up."
I flashed them a smile and was already out the kitchen door when Sirius' next words stopped me dead in my tracks.
"I ran into Riley."
The muffin in my hand fell to the dining room floor as I hastily walked back into the kitchen. "But the recruits can wait," I urged desperately, sinking into a kitchen chair in shock. "What did you just say?"
Sirius, too, sunk into a kitchen chair, his bottom lip trembling uncontrollably. Both Remus and my eyes were on him the whole time. He looked so confused and yet so fragile. He eventually moaned, shutting his eyes remorsefully. "She's back. Riley. I ran into her," he said softly. "At Corner Joe's."
"What?" the chorused voices of myself and Remus rang out.
Sirius could only nod, placing his head in his hands with a long, drawn-out sigh.
"It was really her?" The words were out of Remus' mouth before he could clearly stop them, a cringe appearing on his face immediately after.
Sirius lifted his head up to glare at him. "Do you really think I would mistake someone else as the girl I was madly in love with for three years who ultimately ripped my heart to epic-sized pieces?"
Remus slumped down in his chair. "I suppose not."
"Yes, you suppose not," Sirius mocked, his glare intensifying before softening into remorse. He quickly turned away from Remus, his eyes migrating towards the window.
"So what did you do when you ran into her?" I asked, attempting to ease the tension.
"What did she do?" Remus questioned.
"What did you say?"
"What did she say?"
"How long has she been back?"
"Is she back for good?"
"What is she up to now?"
"How did she look?"
"Is she-"
"I don't have the answers to any of those questions," Sirius snapped. "I ran into her, she attempted to talk to me like nothing had ever happened, I told her to go to hell, and then I hightailed it over here."
Silence quickly followed, none of us really knowing what else to say.
Eventually, Remus spoke. "So it was a civil conversation?" he said as a way of easing the tension.
Which was clearly the wrong thing to say.
"Bloody hell, if you ran into Jillian at Corner Joe's, you really think that a civil conversation is what you two would have had!?" Sirius barked almost immediately.
I saw Remus instantly tense up and noticed hatred spewing from his eyes. It gave me chills. Remus Lupin didn't know how to hate anyone. I just couldn't tell if the hatred was directed towards Jillian or Sirius. For Sirius' sake, I hoped it was meant for Jillian. "You dare bring her up again?" he scowled, pushing back from the table vehemently and storming off towards the living room.
"Don't make stupid jokes and I wouldn't have to bring her up again!" Sirius snapped back at him.
"I was trying to lighten the mood!" Remus scoffed, shooting him a look over his shoulder as he continued to stalk out.
"I just ran into Riley," Sirius snarled, the glare evident in his expression. "That's not a mood that can be lightened, Lupin. Imagine if it were Jillian that you-"
"Stop bringing her up!" Remus shouted.
"Guys!" I tried interrupting with no luck.
Sirius' lips thinned vulnerably. "Just...just put yourself in my shoes, Moony," he whispered. "Do you honestly think that if you came barreling in here after running into Jillian and I made a crack at the situation that you'd just lay down and take it? Do you really think a joke would make the situation any easier to deal with? Do you?"
"We are not talking about Jillian, Sirius, so why don't you just shut the hell up." He continued to walk out of the kitchen.
"I'm just trying to give you perspective!" Sirius barked.
Remus turned on his heels to glare at Sirius. I had to slump down in my chair for sheer fear of what was in Remus' eyes. "You want perspective?" he hissed, his words rough with resentment. "How did it feel running into Riley again, Black? To have the memory of that morning when you woke up and saw she had left you come back to haunt you? How did it feel knowing she probably has no remorse for leaving your sorry ass? Smartest thing that girl ever did if you ask me."
"Remus!" I cried in shock, noting the knuckles on Sirius' fists turning white from his rage. It was suddenly quite scary to watch the two of them go at it. I hadn't a clue what they were fighting about but I knew it was big. "What the hell is going on between you two!?"
Sirius was clearly shocked and hurt by Remus' words and for the first time in a long time, he was at a loss for words. Neither spoke, the glares doing all the talking for them, the anger and the resentment evident in their tight-lipped expressions.
Sirius finally opened his mouth. "You can join Riley in hell for all I care, Lupin," he snarled, rushing off the chair towards his friend with a vengeance in his eye.
Remus didn't even bat an eye as Sirius neared him. "Out of the two of us, I'm pretty sure it won't be me going to hell," he snapped. "I'm certain womanizing drunken traitors go first."
"What?" I asked, now thoroughly confused.
"I am not getting into this with you right now, Remus," Sirius hissed, ignoring me completely. "I've already had the worst day ever and it's not even eight o'clock in the morning. I can't deal with you, too. Not now. So if you don't have anything constructive to say then please just go because you are the last person I want to be talking to about this right now."
"Seriously, what the hell are you two arguing about!?" I demanded to know.
"Oh, nothing," Remus smirked, his eyes rooted to Sirius the entire time. "Just the fact that your best friend here slept with-" he stopped short with a defeated sigh, clearly unable to finish the sentence. Based on the glint in his eye, I swear he felt guilt.
I couldn't see Sirius' face, his back turned to me, but I saw his spine grow rigid at whatever Remus was about to say.
"Slept with who?" I demanded. "Keegan?"
Remus glanced over at me, bewildered. "What?"
I shrugged. "Yeah, I already knew that. Found out on Sunday."
I couldn't figure out why, but I swear Remus grew even angrier as his eyes turned to meet Sirius'. "Are you bloody joking!?"
Sirius let out a sigh before turning back around to return to his chair. "Thank you for that, James," he muttered.
"What? Who else were you talking about?"
"No one."
"Damnit, Sirius, you're an even bigger prick than I thought," Remus snapped.
"Just get the hell out, Remus!"
"Have you gone completely mad? What the hell is the matter with you, Sirius? How self-destructive do you plan to be?" Remus hissed.
"Get the fuck out!" Sirius shouted.
"You can't yell at me to get out, Sirius! I actually live here and I still have a few things that need to be said to you!"
Sirius frowned, shutting his eyes tightly with a sharp intake of breath. He didn't say anything for a while, clearly trying to defuse his temper, his eyes never straying from the tablecloth.
Eventually he looked up at Remus and I saw such raw desperation in his eyes unlike I've ever seen in him before. "Look, you might hate me right now and you may want to continue insulting me and I honestly wouldn't blame you. But after already having the shittiest morning as is, I really can't deal with you on top of that so please just…just go," he pleaded hoarsely, his voice desperate and angst-ridden. "Please, Remus?" his voice cracked.
Remus blinked, clearly thrown by the vulnerability Sirius was exuding. I know I was surprised by it. I have seen Sirius looked lost and broken before but never like this. "Why should I?" he murmured, shaking his head dishearteningly.
Sirius grew rather quiet, leaning back in the chair defeatedly. He avoided both of our gazes, finding interest in one of the kitchen floor tiles. He cleared his throat before saying softly, "I just ran into the only girl I ever loved who made the choice to walk out on me without a goodbye or an explanation." He slowly glanced up and locked eyes with Remus. "Out of everyone I know, I know that you have to understand a little of what I'm going through right now."
Remus slowly nodded, remorse slowly flickering in his expression. "I do," he whispered. "Which is why I can't figure out why you felt the need to throw Jillian back in my face."
Sirius ran his fingers through his hair jaggedly, his expression filling with incredibly angst. For the first time in a long time, I really had no idea what my best friend was thinking. He looked so helpless and scared. He reminded me of the boy I had introduced myself to on the Hogwarts platform when we were only eleven-years-old. A confused, lost soul who didn't know anything except regret.
He sighed again, slumping down in the chair. "I am so bloody furious at Riley," he muttered, shaking his head as he glanced back over at Remus. "But...as pathetic as it may sound, it seems that right now it's a hell of a lot easier directing my anger at you than her."
A thick silence filled the kitchen as the two of them stared hesitantly at each other.
I cleared my throat. "Sometimes it's easier being mad at the people you trust because you know they'll always be there for you," I interjected in a quiet murmur.
They both turned to me sharply. I had a feeling they had kinda forgotten I was there.
Eventually Sirius turned towards Remus. "Yeah," he murmured. "Maybe."
Remus didn't respond but I could see the guilt in his eyes.
"I'm hoping you guys remember that as you continue to row," I pleaded.
Neither spoke, turning their gazes away from each other with slight defeat resting in their eyes.
Shrugging, I changed the subject. "Sirius, what happened with Riley?" I asked softly.
Sirius frowned. "I…I've thought about the moment I would run into Riley again so many times. I dreamt of what I would say to her over and over again. And today…I-I completely froze. I was just so angry and hurt and she…she didn't seem to care at all about what had happened between us. I mean, she asked me how I was doing for fuck's sake! Who the hell does that!? You walk out on someone without saying goodbye and the first thing you say to them four years later is 'how are you?'" Sirius shook his head in angry disbelief. "What kind of sadistic bitch does that!?"
"She asked you how you were?" Remus asked, scowling.
Sirius sighed. "Yeah."
"Bloody hell, she is a bitch."
Amusement gleamed in Sirius' eyes for a mere second before being replaced with rage once again. "There's so much I always thought I'd want to say to her and…and in the end, I didn't say any of it," he sighed. "I just...I stood there and I glared at her. That's all I could do. Because all I felt in that moment was pure hatred for her. Hatred for the way she left. Hatred for coming back. Hatred for not having anything worth hearing. I just...I don't know. I just couldn't be around her. So I ran off."
Silence filled the kitchen as his words rang through our ears. Was it hatred we felt for Riley or just plain resentment? Based off the look on Sirius' face he truly did believe he hated the girl. But how easy is it to hate someone you had loved so much in the past?
Eventually, I spoke as it was obvious no one else had anything left to say. I cleared my throat hesitantly. "If it helps, Sirius, we all hate her for what she did, too."
Sirius' lips pursed as he slowly met my gaze. Without a word or even acknowledgment that I had spoken, he climbed off the chair with a mere shrug. His frown deepened as he sighed and slipped off towards the dining room, clearly with the intent to head to his Ministry meeting (seeing as it was five of eight, we were both clearly going to be late). He stopped in the entryway and turned back around to face us. He slowly shook his head. "No," he whispered. "That doesn't really help at all."
And with that, he disappeared.
Remus and I didn't have much else to say on the matter. Sirius hadn't exactly given us much to go on and it felt wrong to speculate about something we knew so little about. But I was distracted for the remainder of the day. Fabian knew something was off with me when I was with the recruits. Sydny questioned my focus as we researched the background check files for ex-Aurors. Both Alice and Frank noted my detachment. It wasn't until our Administrative Assistant Janine said something that an idea popped into my head. I knew that she had a large database filled with all sorts of family members' information for all of the Aurors in the office, including addresses, hiding in her desk. It took a bit of flirting and a lot of persuasion with Janine but eventually I got hold of the information I needed.
That's how I ended up outside Riley Gilmore's apartment.
When she eventually knocked, the shock on her face said it all. Neither of us spoke for what felt like an eternity before I finally opened my mouth, "'How are you?' That's really the first thing you could think of to ask Sirius?"
I could tell she was struggling between smiling because she thought it was my attempt to joke and frowning because it was an attack. Even four years later, I could read her like a children's book.
"He took me by surprise," she muttered.
"Maybe he wouldn't have if you warned us all you were back."
She didn't respond, a frown filling her expression.
"Go back to Australia," I snarled. "You're not wanted here." I whirled around with every intention of letting those be my last words to her.
"James, please don't go."
I turned on my heels to glare at her. "You really are the worst person on the planet, do you know that? You tell him one minute that you're in love with him and then you turn your back on him a few days later. Who does that? Who has the audacity to hurt someone like-" I froze, the sudden thought hitting me that I had done that to Lily. Did that make me like Riley?
I shook my head of that thought immediately. "He'll never forgive you for it, Riley. And neither will the rest of us."
She hung her head shamefully and in a weird way, that made me happy. She deserved to feel shame for what she did. And it was good knowing that she was feeling guilty.
"I haven't forgiven myself either," she whispered.
I shook my head forcefully. "That doesn't make the situation any better, Riley," I snapped as I once again turned around and fled down the hallway.
"Please don't hate me."
Her soft voice carried throughout the hallway and I froze at the top of the stairwell, slowly turning around to face her. I saw guilt in her eyes. I felt humiliation in her shyly crossed arms. I noticed vulnerability in her flushed cheeks.
It happened on that balmy Wednesday evening. The evening I realized I didn't hate Riley Gilmore for running away and starting a new life when she had felt so desperate to do so. No, it wasn't hate at all that I was feeling towards her.
It was envy.
++PETER++
It happened on a Wednesday. At roughly 6:45 PM if you want specifics. At least according to the old grandfather clock that stood proudly in the back of the pub. Each time the pub door flew open that evening, a waft of musty rain would permeate throughout the establishment. It was only just drizzling at the moment but a large amount of rain had been produced the night before and was still wreaking some havoc on our winter weather. However, it did bring a nice warmth to the air that I certainly wasn't against.
When the bell had chimed above the pub doorway earlier that afternoon, I glanced up from the register and was surprised to see Remus heading my way. Now, it wasn't unusual for him or one of the other guys to stop in unannounced. But most of the time it was in the evening and they were making up some excuse as to why they planned on hitting up Blarney's. As someone who was expected to one day manage the pub and therefore was forced to spend most of his time there, you would think that the bar scene would underwhelm me elsewhere. However, Blarney's had a certain je ne sais quoi about it that I rather liked. It was like our second home. Being there always gave me a sense of comfort and hope. That maybe the future that looked so bleak didn't have to be so bleak after all. That maybe friendship was enough to get me through it all.
"Hey, Remus. Is it too early to serve you a beer?" I teased, glancing over at the grandfather clock that read 3:08.
He ignored the joke. "We've got trouble."
Everything inside of me froze as my thoughts immediately went to Voldemort. Did Remus find out I was working both sides? I opened my mouth to defend myself immediately, but he cut me off.
"Riley's back."
The glass in my hand slipped to the countertop and shattered but I barely took notice. I always assumed that we would never see her again. Mostly because I was convinced she wouldn't want to see us again after the heartache she had put us all through. Apparently I was wrong.
"Riley? As in…as in…Riley?" I choked out.
Remus nodded. "The one and only. She ran into Sirius."
I cringed. That couldn't have been pretty. "Was blood shed?" I snorted.
Remus shrugged. "Not sure what happened. Sirius didn't go into much detail."
"Of course he didn't with you," I muttered. "You two are on nonspeaking terms apparently. For reasons that still remain unclear."
Remus rolled his eyes. "Bigger issues at hand here."
I sighed. "Is she back for good?"
He shrugged. "Not sure."
"What did she have to say for herself?"
"Not sure."
"What did Sirius say?"
"Not sure."
"You're really got all the answers, don't ya?"
Remus cracked a smile but sadness still gleamed from his eyes. "I'm just the messenger. I knew Sirius wasn't about to run off and tell everyone but I thought you'd want to know. Sirius may have been in love with her but she was all of our friend."
"Apparently not a very good one," I muttered irritably.
"You got that right."
He didn't stay for very much longer, rushing off to go inform Kay of the sudden news, but I contemplated what this meant for the remainder of the afternoon. I hadn't exactly been best friends with the girl back in Hogwarts so when she disappeared it wasn't a total loss for me. But I honestly believe that the moment Riley disappeared began the downward spiral for most of my friends. They retreated into their own worlds. Sirius nearly fell apart, James wore himself out trying to help Sirius, Remus found it impossible watching the two of them deteriorate, Kay spent all of her time with Lance so as to avoid looking any of us in the eye, and Lily felt completely helpless. They all eventually threw themselves into their work, unable to leave much additional time to getting together with friends. And that is where I blame Riley Gilmore the most. My biggest fear departing Hogwarts was that I would lose the people I had grown to depend on and appreciate more than anything. I'm not an idiot. I knew I wasn't like any of them – popular, good-looking, confident, smart. I was a mousy kid who was forced into being a Marauder because I was merely their roommate. But I liked every minute of it and I never wanted it to change. And Riley's disappearance changed that. When she turned her back on us it seemed that we all did the same a little bit as well.
I frowned at the horrible irony of the entire situation. I was mad at her for turning her back on all of us when in hindsight, I was the one doing the ultimate betrayal by joining forces with Voldemort.
Quickly, I shook that thought from my head. I didn't want to go there. No, the only place I wanted to go was to Riley's apartment to give her some much needed scolding.
When she opened the door, I suddenly wished I had prepared some sort of speech. Winging it had never been my thing.
"Peter," she said in surprise.
"Er…hi," I stuttered, mentally hitting myself.
"Hi?" she repeated, quirking an eyebrow.
I sighed. "That's not…I-I didn't come here to just say hi," I murmured, realizing how stupid I probably sounded. "I just…um… I hope you know how much you hurt us all by leaving."
She frowned knowingly and opened her mouth to interject, but I didn't let her. "It wasn't just Sirius who was affected," I blurted out, my face growing out at this slight bit of confrontation. "It…it was all of us. You made a mistake, Riley," I squeaked, shrugging guiltily. "You might not think so but you did. You left behind a great group of people. People who…who won't forgive you for what you did."
She blinked, shutting her mouth slowly as she digested my words. She met my gaze and sighed. "I don't expect anyone to forgive me," she murmured. "And I never asked for your forgiveness. You're all more than entitled to hate me."
She sounded far too poised for my own liking. She deserved to feel remorse and guilt and shame for what she did, not acceptance. "We do," I muttered. "Hate you I mean."
Surprise flickered in her eyes. I don't think she expected me to say that aloud.
"But what about you?" I asked curiously.
Her eyebrow peaked. "What?"
"Do you hate yourself for what you did?"
She hesitated before reluctantly shaking her head. "Do I hate what I did? More than anything. But I did what I felt was right for me at the time and for that, I can't really hate myself, no."
That just made me angrier. We have all been carrying around so much hate for the girl standing in front of me for four years and she was so nonchalant and blasé about the whole goddamned thing. "Please," I spoke calmly. "Don't…don't bother us. You walked out of our lives four years ago so…um…just please just stay out." I didn't want my friends going back down the path of downward spiraling again. I still needed them in my life. I wasn't ready to give it all up. I knew one day it would all come crashing down on me but for the time-being I wanted things to stay the way they were. Was that too much to ask?
Yeah, it probably was. Maybe she had the right idea. Maybe running away was the only answer. If I had run away four years ago I wouldn't be stuck in the situation I was in. If I had run away four years ago, I wouldn't have seen my friends downward spiral. If I had run away four years ago, I wouldn't have to watch my friends fall apart around me because of the information I was passing to Voldemort. So maybe she had had it right all along.
She frowned at me and shrugged coolly. "Fine," she snapped. "Here I am staying out." And she shut the door in my face.
It happened on that Wednesday at 6:45 as I traipsed back into the pub with a defeated sigh. I realized at that time that I would rather have Riley's life than the one I was stuck in. Because even though everyone hated her, it appeared she didn't hate herself.
I couldn't say the same about myself.
++KAY++
It happened on a Wednesday. It had rained the night before. I had been awoken in the middle of the night by the clatter of raindrops against the rickety window. I couldn't be sure as to why, but I loved the rain. Something about it felt so comforting and intimate to me. I enjoyed cuddling up under my wool blanket beside the warmth and comfort of Lance in order to drift off to the pacifying sound of precipitation vibrating against the windowpanes. Which is exactly what I did that morning. That night, however, when the rain fell once again, I did nothing of that sort. I merely sat up in bed crying my eyes out as I cringed at the sound of the rain outside.
Never again would I ever find rain comforting or peaceful.
I had been finishing my shift that evening when I noticed Remus hovering impatiently outside the employee lounge. When I met his gaze and smiled curiously, I immediately noticed the distress in his eyes. My smile had quickly disappeared. "Everything okay?" I asked hesitantly as I walked up to him.
He had shaken his head slowly.
My face grew white as I glanced back towards the waiting area behind him. "Did…did you escort someone here?"
"No, no, nothing like that," he reassured, shaking his head stiffly. "It's just…"
"Yeah?"
When he gazed down at me, I saw reluctance staring back at me. He didn't speak immediately and I could see the wheels turning in his head. His expression developed into worry as he ran his fingers through his hair, a frown overwhelming his face. He took a deep breath in and exhaled sharply before finally opening his mouth to speak, his words hoarse and heavy with remorse. "Riley's back."
As I left St. Mungo's that evening, those were the words running through my mind. I barely noticed that it had started drizzling again as I strode slowly through the dank streets. Lance and I lived on the outskirts of London in the small wizarding community of Yarsdale, the community directly beside Godric's Hollow, so walking home from work was never really an option as the walk took nearly an hour. But after Remus had told me everything he knew (which wasn't much), I desperately needed time in the outdoors to clear my head and gather my thoughts. And at that moment, I had found some sort of comfort in the slight drizzle.
A comfort that I would never be able to find again after the transpired events from the remainder of the night.
Lance knew immediately that something was wrong when I walked into the flat. I was drenched after the hour walk and I'm sure the expression on my face was less than encouraging.
Before he could even ask me what was wrong, I blurted out, "Riley's back."
He blinked. "My sister?"
I nodded grimly, slipping on to the living room couch. "Yes, your sister," I spoke softly. "Sirius ran into her this morning."
"What?"
I swallowed hard. "At Corner Joe's of all places," I whispered.
He frowned, an unreadable expression forming on his face. "Damn," he murmured as he joined me on the sofa. He reached out to me and I gratefully slipped into his arms, snuggling up close beside him. I felt myself smile intuitively. No matter what mood I was in, Lance could always make me feel better just by being there.
"So what happened between them?" Lance dared to ask.
"Not sure," I sighed. "Remus didn't have much detail."
Lance didn't respond immediately but I felt his body relax under mine. "Well, what did she have to say for herself?"
"Apparently she asked Sirius how he was doing."
Lance groaned. "Please tell me you're joking."
I shook my head. "Three and a half years after walking away from the guy she loved, her first words to him were 'how are you.' What a slap in the face that must have been for Sirius."
"I think seeing her at all must have been a slap in the face," Lance muttered.
I nodded my agreement. "I'm not sure what I would have said if it had been me."
He didn't respond, which confused me slightly. I thought for sure he would have something to say on the matter considering the girl we were referring to was not only his sister but one of his best friends before she had left.
I turned to face him. "What about you?" I asked cautiously. "I mean, she was your sister."
"Is," he was quick to correct. I could have sworn he was fighting himself to not look me in the eye, blinking skeptically at the wall across the room.
My eyebrow rose slowly. "Okay," I said hesitantly. "Is your sister. What would you have said to her?"
He frowned. "She made a mistake leaving," he murmured.
"You got that right," I snorted.
He blinked grimly. "But I wonder if the even bigger mistake was moving back to Godric's Hollow without first trying to make amends."
I was about to agree when I suddenly froze. A slight chill at his last words ran down my spine. I felt my heart slowly began to race and I sat up hesitantly in order to face him better. I inhaled sharply before saying, "Who said anything about her moving back to Godric's Hollow?"
His hesitated slightly before he cleared his throat. "I'm just assuming she is, that's all. She ran into him at the local coffee shop, did she not?"
"A coffee shop a few blocks away from your parents. She could have been visiting them."
He frowned. "You really think she would return here just to visit our crazy mother?"
I felt my heart skipping a beat as he actively avoided eye contact with me. I knew immediately he was hiding something from me. And I had a feeling I knew what. I just desperately hoped I was wrong. "How did you know she moved back?" I asked hoarsely. "How did you know she wasn't just visiting?"
He didn't reply, shutting his eyes tightly with a defeated sigh. "Kay…" he said pleadingly, his eyes fluttering open hesitantly.
With that single word, I knew I had been right. I knew precisely what he was hiding from me. I felt the blood rush from my face as I let out a strangled gasp. "You already knew she was back, didn't you."
He continued staring across the room at the wall opposite us, guilt resting in his eyes. But it wasn't until he finally turned to me and looked me in the eye with such remorseful defeat and desperation, that I knew that answer was unequivocally yes.
Shock and betrayal consumed me as I slowly climbed off the couch. He knew he didn't have to say anything as he offered me a pleading look, though I was finding it difficult to look him in the eye. "I can't believe this," I spoke bitterly, my words barely audible.
"I'm…I'm sorry, Kay," he whispered hoarsely.
"How long?"
"What?"
A lump formed in my throat as I realized the horrible implication behind what he had just admitted. "How long have you known she was back?"
He didn't respond immediately and once again, a jolt of numbness ran through my body. No response was most definitely not a good response. "Lance," I snapped. "Answer the goddamned question." I was on the verge of hysterics, I knew, but I was finding it impossible to calm myself.
"Kay, please," he whispered. "You have to understand. She's…she's my sister. I couldn't turn my back on her. She swore me to secrecy. I wanted to tell you so many times since she returned last April, but I promised her-"
"APRIL!?" I shrieked.
He cringed. "Kay-"
"She has been back in Godric's Hollow for almost ten months!?" I didn't know who I was angrier at in that moment: Lance or Riley.
He stood up off the couch to walk towards me, but I quickly pushed him away. "Don't," I spat out in a hurt whisper, rushing away from him. I couldn't even look at him let alone touch him. I was torn between being angry at him and upset at the situation. My head was spinning and my heart was aching. Confusion and horror and fury and betrayal filled my entire body and I didn't know what to do or say in the moment. "You have been lying to me for ten months, Lance," I eventually spoke, my words strangely even. I looked up at him, tears brimming in my eyes. "How could you do that to me?"
"I-I didn't know what else to do," he whispered helplessly.
I blinked the tears away furiously, not wanting to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry over Riley Gilmore. "So you lied," I muttered coolly.
"I never lied to you," he urged, shaking his head slowly. "I just didn't tell you the whole truth."
"Oh, well then that makes it okay," I snapped with a cynical snort.
"I never said it was okay," he spoke, his voice shaky. "And I never once believed it was okay. I've told Riley numerous times that she didn't to stop being a coward and face all of you before this blows up in her face. I told her-"
"Or yours?" I interrupted sharply.
He had no response to that.
"Have you seen her since she got back? Gotten together with her? Grabbed coffee or dinner? Does the rest of your family know? Do you know where she lives? Do you know where she works? Do you talk to her frequently? Have you…have you forgiven her?"
As my eyes met his, he tried looking away but it was obvious he felt compelled not to. I could see the guilt plain as day flickering in the blue of his eyes. And I knew that the answer to all of those questions was undoubtedly yes.
Lance blurred in front of me as hot tears rushed to my eyes. I didn't bother wiping them away as they slid down my cheeks. "I can't believe this" was all I could think of to say at the moment.
He reached out yet again to me and yet again, I quickly pushed him away.
I started pacing the room slowly, trying to wrap my head around the bombshell I just received without completely freaking out.
Oh, hell, I was definitely freaking out.
I finally turned to him, ignoring the regretful frown on his face. "We were all so incredibly hurt after what she did," I eventually said, my bottom lip trembling. "She was our best friend. For seven years. And then she just walked out on all of us without the decency to say goodbye or to explain why she felt compelled to go. Like we meant nothing to her. Dammit, Lance, she did the same thing to you! How could you possibly have forgiven her for what she did? And how could you keep this from all of us? How could you do that to all of us after knowing how much it tore us up the day she left? How…how could you do that to me?"
He blinked, biting down on the inside of his lip. "She's my sister," he whispered as if that explained everything.
"I'm your fiancée!"
He hung his head in shame. "I-I didn't forgive her immediately, Kay," he spoke softly. "I didn't want to forgive her at all. But…but she is my sister. And she was once my best friend. All she wanted was a second chance to be both."
"She doesn't deserve it," I snapped, glaring at him.
"I'm not saying she did. I'm just saying that after three years of harboring resentment towards her, I finally just had to let it go," he murmured. "But that doesn't mean you have to forgive her, Kay. And none of our friends have to forgive her either. But you can't blame me for wanting my sister in my life again."
I didn't want to blame him but a part of me did. I glanced up at him, a disappointed frown marking every feature of my face. The desperation in his eyes made me want to forgive him, but the betrayal resting in my heart wouldn't let me. "You weren't there that morning, Lance," I whispered, shaking my head slowly. "The morning Sirius woke up and saw that the girl he was madly in love with had disappeared in the middle of the night. And all she left behind was a bloody note saying she was sorry and a necklace. You weren't there to hear his strangled cry. You weren't there to watch him crumble to the floor in complete and utter heartbreak. You weren't there to watch him rip that note to shreds as he cursed her name. You weren't there to watch him fall apart. You. Weren't. There. Because if you were, you never would have been able to forgive her. Never."
He sighed. "So this is about Sirius?"
I glared at him heatedly. "He's part of it, yes. She walked away from all of us but it was Sirius' heart she broke. He hasn't been he same since and because of that, neither have the rest of us."
His bottom lip trembled. "I get that her leaving was painful, but how can you give her-"
"Painful?" I growled. "No, what was painful wasn't that she left. It was the way she left. We had known her seven years. James had known her for eighteen! So did you! Sirius was in love with her and supposedly she was in love with him back, and after all that we had done for her, she just ups and leaves? Painful doesn't even begin to describe it, Lance!"
The remorse in his eyes continued to grow. "I'm sorry, Kay," he whispered. "I just...I promised I wouldn't say anything. What was I to do?"
"Tell me anyway," I whispered back.
He locked eyes with me. "I couldn't do that."
My bottom lip trembled as I frowned. "You have been lying to my face for ten months," I hissed. "I know she was your sister and your friend, but Lance, what about me? I am your fiancée and you kept a huge secret from me! For ten months!" I opened my mouth to utter the next words and I froze. I was scared the moment I said them, I would never be able to take them back. But as I glanced up and saw a sense of impatience in his eyes, I blurted it out. "How am I supposed to trust you, Lance?"
He cringed and I knew he had been afraid of me saying those words aloud just as must as I had been afraid of saying them aloud. "Please don't say that," he whispered precariously. "I'm sorry, Kay. I really am. I just…she was…I don't know…I-I just couldn't..." he dithered, swallowing hard. He let out a reluctant sigh, trying to collect his thoughts. "She's my sister," he whispered meagerly.
I knew he truly felt sorry and I knew he really had never meant to hurt me, but it didn't make it any easier. A tear slowly slid down my cheek as I turned away from his pleading gaze. Instinctively, I started twisting the engagement ring around on my left ring finger as I contemplated what to do or say next. Everything had changed between us at that moment. I wanted to turn around and walk away from him because I had no idea how to handle the situation he had put us in. But I still loved him.
I had to remind myself of that with the huge betrayal I felt tugging on my heart.
Eventually, I spoke. "Your brother got married and the same nearly got killed. Your other brother died," I murmured. "She wasn't at the wedding, she wasn't at St. Mungo's, and she wasn't at the funeral. What…what kind of sister does that make her?"
He blinked but didn't respond, a frown forming on his face. "Kay," he whispered for lack of anything better to say.
"She's no sister and she's certainly no friend. She's a coward. Plain and simple."
"Kay-"
"Stop Kay-ing me," I snapped. "Does she know we're engaged, Lance? Does she know we're still together?"
He sighed, nodding. "Of course," he murmured. "I talk to her about you. About all of you."
"Well, don't," I barked. "If she really wanted to know what was going on with us, she would have had the guts to seek us all out the moment she returned!"
"Oh, yeah, because I'm sure everyone's reaction to this has been so cheerful," he murmured.
Boy, was that the wrong thing to say. "BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T BOTHER TELLING US SHE WAS BACK! We had to find out by Sirius running into her!" I don't think I had ever been this angry with Lance before. We rarely fought with each other. We were that annoying couple who always seemed to be on the same page. And now? I had no idea what to believe. "Bloody hell, Lance, you don't get to defend her!"
Once again, he had no response. I could tell he was feeling torn between wanting to defend her and being so incredibly remorseful for keeping me in the dark for the past ten months. I wasn't sure which would win out in the end. "I just can't believe you've been in touch with her for ten months," I whispered. "I'm…I feel so betrayed, Lance."
"Kay, it's not like I've seen her every weekend," he pleaded, taking a step closer to me. "I've seen her maybe once a month. Possibly more. Nothing too extravagant. We would just grab dinner occasionally. She would come into the bookstore from time to time. We would just chat, give advice to each other. We talked about our past and the future. We walked into Diagon Alley sometimes. Grabbed some ice cream. She helped me pick out your engagement ring. I read over her articles. We-"
"Wait, what did you say?"
He frowned. "She still writes, so I-"
"No, not that," I whispered, my face growing pale. "The part about…" I trailed off, my right thumb and middle finger instinctively rushing to the engagement ring on my left hand.
He noticed the gesture and inhaled sharply. "We were talking one day and she asked me why I hadn't proposed to you yet," he said softly, rubbing the empty spot on his left ring finger. "And…and I couldn't come up with any logical reason as to why I hadn't asked you to marry me yet. So…so we went to the jewelry store. She wanted to see you happy, Kay. So did I."
I'm pretty sure my heart had literally stopped for a minute after he spoke. I knew my mouth hung open awkwardly in complete disbelief and my eyes grew wide, but I barely recognized that in the moment. I was too busy running his words over and over in my head. They strangely horrified me. I felt my heart slowly start to rip at the thought that Riley Gilmore had anything to do with my engagement.
"You needed her to persuade you to propose?" I spoke, my voice icy cold.
"What? No!" Lance quickly argued. "I-I was just talking to her and it came up. She didn't have to persuade me of anything."
"She was inevitably the reason you proposed," I murmured. "You were-"
"No, inevitably I proposed because I'm madly in love with you and can't imagine my life without you," he urged pleadingly, his eyes filling with unrestrained desperation. "That has never and will never change."
"You don't get it, do you," I whispered, shutting my eyes tightly as my thoughts became consumed by my engagement ring. "Every girl dreams of the day she gets engaged. And when that day comes, they remember every single detail of it for the rest of their lives. They relay the story to their friends and to their relatives and one day they will relay the story to their children. I remember everything about the day you proposed to me. I remember the blue striped shirt you were wearing and I remember the nervous smile on your face when you got down on one knee. I remember the red and pink roses that were blooming in the park and the black horses that navigated our carriage ride through the streets. I remember the steak and rice and salad we ate at dinner and I remember the Merlot we drank. It's supposed to be a magical and enchanting moment and for me, it had been. But you…you just took that away from me." My eyes instinctively filled with tears.
"Kay," he whispered.
I cut him off. "Because you know what I'm going to remember now?" I whispered, my voice filling with anger. With every word I spoke, my voice rose with fury. "That your motivation for proposing was a conversation you had with a girl who was my best friend but chose to walk away from us without any sort of explanation!"
"Kay, please just-"
"And you know what I'm going to remember every time I look at this goddamned engagement ring?" I said, my voice rough with determination. My eyes fell towards the ring on my hand as I didn't dare look Lance in the eye for fear of breaking down completely. I had to catch my breath before I was able to continue. "I'm going to remember that my boyfriend couldn't pick it out without the help of a girl who hasn't known anything about me in four years so how the hell could she possibly know what kind of ring I wanted? And how the hell could he possibly think that it would be okay to ask for her help?" The ring blurred in front of me as the tears began to spill out. Sobs quickly followed as I brought my other hand up to my mouth so as to attempt to calm myself with very little luck. I was so angry but it was overwhelming despair that overtook me in that moment.
Lance rushed to my side immediately and tried to pull me into his arms. I immediately stepped back and struggled free from his grasp. "Stop! I don't want you near me right now," I snapped, shaking my head volatilely. "I can't be around you, Lance. I just…I can't."
He looked at me completely dumbfounded. In the four years we had been together, I had never once told him I didn't want him near me or that I couldn't be around him. His mouth hung open with a mixture of guilt and shock. "I'm sorry, Kay, I'm so sorry" was all he could repeat, his voice trembling with distress. "I never meant to hurt you. Never."
As I briefly glanced down at the ring in my hand, I felt another rush of hot tears at the realization of what I was about to do and say. I slowly pulled the ring off my finger and stared down at it, not saying anything for what felt like eternity. I watched the light reflect off the diamonds, twinkling luminously. It should have been beautiful. But it wasn't. None of this was. "But you did hurt me," I whispered, my voice breaking as the tears once again threatened to spill out. "And what kills me the most is that you clearly haven't a clue how much or you never would have done it in the first place."
"Kay-"
"I love you, Lance. I do," I interrupted, refusing to let him get in a word edgewise. "But…"
"No," he croaked helplessly, tears now brimming in his own eyelids. "Please don't say but. Please, Kay. You have to forgive me."
I had to turn away, the look on his face nearly breaking the last pieces of my already shattered heart. "I don't know if I can."
"Please," he whispered hoarsely. "I can't lose you. I love you too much."
I shook my head with despair. "Love isn't always enough," I spoke emphatically, my bottom lip slowly trembling. "You need trust and…and we don't have that anymore."
"Kay." The single word was so soft, filled with so much desperation and vulnerability.
I hung my head guiltily as I slowly shook my head. "I can't, Lance. I…just I can't." Those were the only words I could say but we both knew what I meant by them.
I can't be with you, Lance.
"Please don't do this."
"You lied to me, Lance," I whispered, shaking my head. "For ten months you kept a huge secret from me. You lied to me the moment you didn't tell me she was back. You lied to me about the proposal and the ring by keeping important information from me. You lied to me every time you chose to hang out with her and didn't inform me. And you've been lying to me every day for ten months when you neglected to tell me your sister was back. How…how could you do that to me, Lance?"
I didn't realize I was crying again until I felt the tears tickling my cheeks. "How could you do that to us?" I whispered.
When I looked back up into his eyes, he looked crestfallen. Tears were pooling in his own eyelids as he blinked furiously to stop them from tumbling out. "I-I didn't know what to do," he repeated for a second time that evening.
Glancing back down at the ring in my hand, I knew I had nothing left to say. I slowly placed it down on the coffee table and said helplessly, "Well, I know what I need to do now."
"Kay, no," he whispered breathlessly, the tears now evident in his eyes. "I want to marry you and Riley has nothing to do with that. I love you. So much. I need you in my life. I can't live without you. I-I just can't. Don't do this." He reached out to me, grabbing my arm desperately.
I struggled free from his grasp forcefully and rushed towards the door.
"Kay, you have to forgive me." His voice was frantic now. "I won't lose you. I can't lose you. Please, Kay! Don't go. Please."
I didn't stay to hear anything else he had to say. I could hear him crying out after me continuing to tell me that he loved me and needed me in his life as a sob escaped, but I let it all fade into the background. There was only one person I wanted to talk to at that moment of extreme grief and for the first time in four years, it wasn't Lance.
It was his sister's.
When she answered the door, a defeated sigh escaped her lips. "I really need to move," she muttered.
"How dare you come back three years after your disappearance and butt into my life! Who the hell do you think you are?"
"What?"
"You left me and my life behind three and a half years ago. So you don't get to come back and try to dictate how the rest of that life goes!"
"What are you talking about?" she sighed.
"You ruined everything. I was happy. I was engaged. My life was good. And you destroyed all of that the moment you returned to Godric's Hollow." Tears threatened to escape again and I couldn't hold them off. Nor did I bother trying. I hated knowing she was seeing me break down, but at this point, I didn't care about anything but the fact that Lance betrayed me. "I will never forgive you for this. Never."
"For what?"
"Stay the hell away from me," I snarled, whirling around and walking away from her.
It happened on that late stormy Wednesday night after everyone else had already drifted off to sleep. But how could I possibly sleep when I discovered that it wasn't Riley I hated (though it was easiest pretending it was her I hated) and it wasn't Lance I hated (though I'm not so sure I would ever be able to forgive him). No, it wasn't them that I hated. It was myself. Because Lance had been in touch with Riley for ten months and I hadn't a clue.
What kind of fiancée did that make me?
++LANCE++
It happened on a Wednesday. My heart that had been whole for so long because of Kay broke into thousands of irreparable pieces. And it would have been nice to be able to blame Riley, and maybe a part of me did, but I knew deep down within that shattered heart that this one was on me.
I'm not much of a crier. At all really. But the moment the door slammed behind Kay, I crumbled to the floor in a helpless heap of tears, praying that that door would open once again and she would reenter.
That prayer went unanswered.
++REMUS++
It happened on a Wednesday. All of it. Betrayal. Defeat. Confusion. Shock. And eventually reluctance. It was one of the longest days of my life. It had rained earlier that morning but had stopped before any of us ventured outdoors. The sun came out for a brief period of time around noon. And the cloud came barreling back through Britain just a few hours later. Rain quickly followed and suddenly, it was pouring in sheets. It was a crazy rollercoaster of weather spikes. Which probably explained why it was a rollercoaster of a day.
After Kay, I knew I had another stop to make but I was stalling. I wasn't ready to see Lily yet. I hadn't seen or talked to her since the day I found her naked in Sirius' room cowering behind a pair of blankets. And honestly, I hadn't really planned on seeing her anytime soon. Which was fine because she was clearly avoiding me as well.
However, I knew she deserved to hear that Riley was back from one of us. While that someone didn't necessarily have to be me, I was there when Sirius brought the shocking news. So I felt compelled to be the one to relay it to the others.
Before I could bother Lily, there was still someone else I finally felt ready to face.
When Riley opened the door, an irritated scowl appeared on her face. "Why am I not surprised," she muttered.
I didn't bother trying to figure out what she meant by that. "I-I didn't want to believe it," I spoke softly, slowly shaking my head. "And not necessarily because I didn't want to believe you were back in town but because I didn't want to believe that Sirius had run into you this morning. I-I can't imagine what that must have been like for him."
She merely blinked her guilt.
"But if anyone could imagine it, it would be me," I said slowly, my words rather calmer than I had expected. "Because I know what it's like to have the girl of your dreams walk out on you without a goodbye or an explanation. Which means that perhaps I know how much it must have hurt Sirius to run into you this morning, not that he would ever admit that to you or to anyone. But I know his heart broke all over again. I know the betrayal he felt the day you left came rushing back to him. I know he was conflicted with anger and heartache and sorrow. And I would never, ever wish any of that upon anyone."
Defeat rested in her eyes as she looked me in the eye.
"Go back to Australia," I whispered hoarsely. "Please. Before you cause any more harm to all of us than you already have."
I didn't leave immediately, watching every emotion cross her face in just a mere few seconds. I saw the remorse. I saw the guilt. And I saw the pain. I just wasn't so sure why she was feeling pain. But I knew I didn't care.
As I turned around, she called out after me. I didn't want to stop but something compelled me to.
She swallowed hard before asking, "Why aren't you mad?"
I frowned, letting out a sharp sigh. "I am," I spoke softly with a curt shrug. "But more than anything, I feel hurt. And when I feel hurt, it's not anger that consumes me. It's disappointment. I thought you were a better person than the person you became to us the day you left. Evidently I had been wrong."
I didn't bother sticking around to see how she felt about that. I turned around and rushed out, the disappointment and hurt flooding me with such strong emotion. I didn't know what to expect by going to see Riley, but as I stood helpless in front of her apartment, I was surprised by the overwhelming feeling of betrayal resting in my heart. And while I was still so furious with Sirius, my fury was subsided knowing that Sirius was probably trying very hard to keep it together and yet probably failing. He was feeling ten times more the betrayal than I was at that moment. And l didn't wish that upon him no matter how furious I was with him.
It happened on that rollercoaster of a Wednesday. I had a moment that night where I remembered Sirius Black as the vulnerable guy who used to be a friend I truly admired and was proud of instead of a selfish guy I barely even recognized.
I wondered if I would ever be able to remember that guy for more than just a fleeting moment ever again.
At this point, it didn't seem likely.
++LILY++
It happened on a Wednesday. It was a day that started like any other. I was continuing to go through the motions of my everyday routine but it all felt so stagnant knowing I didn't have James there to go home to. I spent most of my day focusing on my work desperately trying to not think of James and I spent the rest of my day failing at that by thinking of James. I wanted to hate him. But I didn't. I just missed him.
I was hiding out late in my office as I often had when a light knock tapped on my door. When I glanced up, I was shocked to see Remus standing there. We hadn't had any interaction since James and I broke up.
But to be fair that was probably because he caught me naked in Sirius' room the following morning.
"Remus," I spoke, clearing my throat hesitantly. "Er…what are you doing here?"
He frowned, disappointment sinking through his expression. "I wasn't going to come here," he murmured. "After the last time we saw each other, I'm actually quite content with continuing to avoid you. And to be fair I think I'm well in my rights to do so seeing as I walked in on you naked in your ex-boyfriend's best friend's bedroom."
Crimson rose to my cheeks. Awesome. So he clearly wasn't going to sugarcoat anything. "You don't need to remind me of that as a day doesn't go by where I don't think about it regretfully," I said dryly. "Now, what are you doing here?"
"Why'd you do it?" he asked, his voice hoarse and bewildered.
"You think I know? You really think there's a logical answer to that question?" I said in a small voice. "The only thing I can even remotely defend myself with is the fact that I was wasted. We both had been."
"Being drunk shouldn't give you a free pass."
"I never said it did," I whispered, shaking my head as I felt the tears welling up inside of me. I quickly blinked them away, refusing to cry over James Potter once again. "But I had just been dumped in the worst way possible. The guy I was so madly in love with had stopped loving me, Remus. It stung. More than you'll ever know. It had been a long time since I felt pain like that. Not since my parents died. And subconsciously, I could only believe that I wanted to get back at him. I wanted him to feel just as much betrayal and pain that I had been feeling. Because how was it fair that I had my heart shattered into a million pieces and he got to walk away unscathed? But I went about it all wrong obviously. I would take it back in a heartbeat if I could. But I can't. And I'll never forgive myself for doing it."
"He didn't walk away unscathed," Remus was quick to argue.
That's what he chose to focus on? "I know he's your friend, Remus, but don't you dare even try to defend him in my presence."
He frowned. "I'm not defending him. I just thought you'd want to know that he's not doing all that well with any of this either."
I clenched my teeth. "He did this. He doesn't get to feel bad."
"Lily-"
"Remus, what are you doing here?" I muttered, not wanting to discuss him anymore.
Remus slowly dropped into the chair across from my desk, clearing his throat. "The guy's a royal mess, Lily. You may not realize it, but his heart broke that night, too."
I glared at him. "Then maybe he should have gone about it differently," I snarled. "Now what the hell are you doing here?"
He sighed, clearly wanting to discuss the matter further. "Lily-"
"I'm done talking about James, Remus, so if that's the only reason you're here, you can go now," I muttered irritably, picking up my quill once again.
He frowned. "Lily," he said softly.
"What?"
"I really am sorry about what happened between you and James."
My heart skipped a beat and I slowly shook my head. "I said I didn't want to talk about him," I whispered. "Please just…just go, Remus."
"No, I'm sorry," he spoke, his voice shaky. "He's not why I came here today."
I quirked an eyebrow. "Well then? Why are you here?"
"Making the rounds apparently," he muttered to himself.
"What?"
He frowned, meeting my gaze. And suddenly I knew something was very wrong. His eyes gleamed angst-ridden desperation. Never a good combination. I was about to open my mouth to tell him to just spit it out, but he beat me to it.
"Riley's back."
The summer after Riley left, something had changed among all of us. Sirius fell apart, in a way that made me realize just how much he had truly loved her. She was the only woman he ever loved and probably the only woman he ever would love. When I had found Sirius curled up in a ball the morning he found out Riley had up and left without a good-bye, I had a sneaking suspicion, a suspicion that was never confirmed nor denied though I would probably swear my life on it, that Sirius had loved the girl the moment he laid eyes on her.
But I also knew that love wasn't something Sirius knew much about.
Sirius grew up in a strained household with family who thought he was scum and told him to his face every day. And at some point during that childhood, he started believing he was scum. He was only able to escape when he received his invitation to Hogwarts and was sorted into the Gryffindor house. He could finally begin his life instead of hide behind it. The fact that Riley became an instant confidante to him, the fact that Riley saw the good in him that no one ever had before, made him feel alive for the first time in his entire life. His love for her grew, slowly at first, seeing as most eleven-year-olds didn't know the meaning of the word love, and as he aged, his love for her became inevitable. So inevitable that it scared him.
He met other women. He courted them, snuck them into Hogsmeade or took them to the Astronomy Tower, told them everything they wanted to hear and more often than not, slept with them. But none of them were Riley Gilmore. Every girl he had sex with was his way of trying to escape his feelings for Riley. And every girl he had sex with reminded him that he was in love with someone else.
Somehow, Riley fell for Sirius, too. That scummy nobody from a rotten household, and the girl who had everything handed to her on a silver platter since the day she was born chose him. And he couldn't figure out why. So he screwed it up. More literally, he screwed another girl. And for the next two years, he suffered in silence as his best friend, his confidante, and the love of his life showed her distaste for him in every way possible.
And for whatever reason that even to this day Sirius could not explain, she gave him another chance. But the most surprising part in all of this is that she began to fall in love, too. Yes, she ran from her feelings. She pushed him away. She blamed him for her fears of commitment. But she gave in. She slowly started to love him back. And told him so only days before her unanticipated departure.
The day that Sirius Black had his heart ripped out of his chest, never to return.
Sirius didn't try to be strong. He didn't try to act as if her disappearance didn't matter to him. Because it did. The moment he realized she was gone was the moment he realized that he needed her in his life. If not for the company, for the will to survive.
He sulked and pouted for the entire summer. He drank a lot of beer and firewhisky. He watched a lot of old classic romance movies just so he could yell at the screens. He rarely showered and food was never an option. He yelled at all of us and threw a living room chair into the lake during one of his more angry episodes. He took on the habit of smoking cigarettes and wore his bathrobe everywhere he went. He seldom left the house and if he did, it was to buy alcohol and cigarettes with money he had stolen from us. At the end of the summer, he sold his uncle's summer home because it reminded him too much of Riley. Sirius Black had become someone else. Someone that none of us had recognized. When Riley left, so too did the real Sirius Black.
And to this day, that guy hadn't returned.
This is what I was thinking about when I traipsed up to Riley's apartment. I was thinking about the broken man he had become the day she left him. And as I thought of that broken man, it was impossible not to correlate the situation to my unfortunate situation I had recently been thrust into. Because no matter how hard I tried to pretend as if I was fine and I would be fine, it was impossible thinking that that was the truth when I didn't have James by my side.
I knocked hesitantly on Riley's door. Very hesitantly. I didn't know what I was going to say but I had a few choice words I was considering using about what she had done to Sirius' heart and soul.
I didn't get a chance to say any of them.
When Riley opened the door, her eyebrows knitted together in an irritable fashion and she offered me a reluctant sigh. "Look, you can skip the angry scolding, Lily," she whispered in a small voice. "I've already had plenty of it for today. Sirius told me to go to hell. James was here earlier to tell me I'm the worst human being on the entire planet. Kay stopped by to inform me I should have butted out of her life the moment I left Britain three years ago and she would never be able to forgive me. Remus dropped in to tell me to go back to Australia before causing any more harm than I had. Even Peter provided me with his two cents by letting me know I had hurt each and every one of you the night I disappeared. So I don't really need to hear what you have to say nor am I particularly in the mood for it. I already know I messed up. I don't need you all to tell me that."
I don't know why, but I felt sudden tears rush to my eyes. And before I knew what I was doing, I reached out and embraced my old friend. She stiffened before hesitantly wrapping her arms around me as well. Neither of us said anything for a while until I finally stepped out of the hug and gazed up at her with hopeful eyes.
It was that rainy Wednesday evening where I discovered the truth about how I really felt over her reappearance. I wasn't mad. I wasn't feeling betrayed. I wasn't upset or hurt or disappointed.
I was relieved.
"I'm glad you're back, Riley," I whispered.
Based on her shocked expression, I'm pretty sure she wasn't expecting that.
Which is fine because honestly, neither was I.
++RILEY++
It happened on a Wednesday. It was the day I had nightmares about for four years. I saw Sirius first and he was hurt. Then I saw James and he was livid. Next was Peter with betrayal. Kay with heartbreak. Remus with disappointment. Finally, I saw Lily who was clearly distraught. It was the hardest day I ever had to live through.
It happened on that Wednesday night just before I slipped into bed.
I realized that I would have taken the nightmares over the reality any day.
A/N: Phew - I hope this was enough of a teaser to keep you itching for more...because of course the drama doesn't stop here! I mean, with Riley around, how could it?