Alright, more... depressing shit. I hate and love it at the same time- angsty fics are my guilty pleasure, ya know?
As for the Ereri idea- I can see it form both sides. Some of you want to see Eren get better and Levi fuck Eren's brains out, some of you want ti left to the imagination so it's a more ambiguous deal, and anybody can read it, and I respect that was well. But I have an idea.
What if I wrote different endings for different ships? Like, one ending is neutral- you can fill in the blanks with whatever you want- one ending in Ereri, and so on. Each ending would probably be labeled as a separate chapter, and clearly marked so you could just skip it if you didn't like the ship being portrayed, sorta like a choose your own destiny thing. How would you guys feel about that?
I want my stories to be a safe, friendly place for everybody- shippers and non-shippers- and I feel like this would be a healthy compromise. Please review with your thoughts of the whole thing! :)
He didn't eat much breakfast the next morning, instead struggling to keep himself under control. His skin was crawling, begging for pain, and he wanted it, too, wanted to feel the hurt and realize he could control himself.
"Something wrong, Eren?" Levi asked, raising an eyebrow. The boy hadn't touched his food.
"No Sir." he forced a spoonful of porridge past his lips, forcing himself to swallow it. It stuck in his throat like led, but he couldn't really bring himself to care. Levi didn't push the subject, and he wordlessly plodded into the kitchen to help Petra with the dishes, as it was his turn.
"You alright, Eren? You seem sad..." Petra's eyes lingered on his face for a moment as she plunged her hands into the soapy water.
No I'm not okay. I fucking need to bleed, I need the pain to keep me under control, you took my fucking knife and now you're pretending to care. I'm just a weapon to you.
Petra moved to rinse the bowl of suds only to have it slip from her hands.
Eren moved to catch it but was a second too late, instead only managing to grab onto shards as it shattered on the floor.
"Shit!" Petra's voice brought him back to reality. "Eren? Oh shit, you're bleeding..."
There was a deep cut in his palm from where he'd been hit by shards, but he wasn't really listening. His ears were ringing, he was biting his lip, instinctually fighting to urge to go titan from pain... But most of all, he felt the relief, the control of being able to handle the pain, overwhelming him.
"Stay here, alright? I'll get some bandages- just don't move."
Eren nodded absently, simply watching the crimson drip from his hand to the floor. With running footsteps, Petra was gone. The panic that'd been running around in his head slowly stopped, now, it was only rational thinking...
He wordlessly grabbed a few sharp-looking pieces of glass, sliding them into his pocket. They'd be useful later.
A moment later Petra was back with bandages, wrapping his hand gently. Eren was surprised for a moment that she'd even come close to him- wasn't she afraid she'd become a titan?
"Eren, why don't you go help with the horses in the stable or something after this." Petra asked as she ran his hand under some clean water. "It's probably best if I work alone in here..."
"If it's because you think I'm mad about the cut on my hand, I'm not. It was an accident- ah!" Petra managed to touch the cut in an especially painful spot with a dish towel, and Eren yanked his arm away, wincing and cradling it to his chest.
He looked up to see Petra's eyes filled with alarm, hand on the hilt of a kitchen knife, and realized it. She was afraid he'd turn into a titan.
"Eren?" she asked, still cautious.
Eren grit his teeth. "I'll be in the stables." was all he growled out between grit teeth, before taking the bandage from her hand and slipping out of the room.
He settled down on a haybale in the stables, wrapping his hand and trying to fight the myriad of thoughts bubbling up.
She thinks you're a monster. They all do. Filthy goddamn titan- how can you expect to help humanity when you're simply worthless...
He growled within his throat at himself, wordlessly rolling up his sleeve and drawing a shard of broken glass from his pocket, pinching it between his thumb and forefinger and examining it carefully, staring at his distorted reflection.
I can control you... he growled, before the sharpened end descended on his arm, flesh parting, a hiss of pain nearly escaping his lips. Three wounds later, he was closing his eyes, hearing every single heartbeat as the blood pounded in his ears and sweet release, humanity in it's purest form- pain- coursed through him.
He nearly hard the approaching footsteps too late, yanking down his sleeve and scrambling to shove the shard of glass back into his pocket, barely managing to conceal it before Captain Levi had rounded the corner.
"Jager?"
"Sir?" Eren was on his feet, praying none of the blood beneath his sleeve trickled down to reveal itself.
"Are you alright?" Levi stopped short, eying the bloody bandage on the boy's hand.
"Yes Sir. I'm fine. Petra requested I work in the stables..."
Levi nodded, accepting the change with enough ease that Eren realized Petra must've sent him out to check on him. That stung.
"Water the horses and report to me when you're done."
"Yes Sir."
And Levi was gone.
That night as he laid in bed, sleeves rolled up, examining his arms- he realized how in control he actually was. Within four days, his arms had become covered in dozens of cuts- most shallow enough to scab over and begin to heal, some too deep to even begin to close. At least thirty wounds to an arm, he wondered if he'd reached the level of mastery he was hoping for yet when it came to control.
He wordlessly lifted his forearm to his mouth before biting down. Sparks flew and fizzled, only one thought dominated his mind- human. Stay human...
A moment later the burning he felt within his skin subsided, and there he was, as human as could be, with blood dripping from a bite mark on his arm. He grinned. He was nearly a master at controlling this. A few more tests to make sure he could handle biting before he'd show Squad Levi. They'd realize how skilled he was- how composed- and accept him. Everything would be alright again.
MAILBAG
Sarah, Chapter 2
i would love for this to end as an ereri. this is sooo good though. what is eren going to use to self harm now, his titan killing blades? his nails? what?
please update this soon, you are awsome
bye ;)
Your question is answered, my dear! He uses... some pieces of shattered glass he grabbed. Frick that's really sad now that I'm typing it out, but he's desperate, after all. Glad you're enjoying the story! :D
ReganRocks, Chapter 2
This. Is. Amazing. I WAS always kind of irritated by the complete lack of effort eren made in trying to become better. He goes on rants and stuff, but I never felt, at least when it came to control, that he really tried. I like this very much! Keep up the good work:)
I know, right? Though he did make a lot of effort when he was having 3DMG issues- getting extra help from Reiner and Bertholdt, staying up all night training- that's about the only time we see him putting in effort to become better. However- you can't really train titan-shifting abilities. I mean, it's so dangerous- what Eren's doing right now, cutting, is dangerous, but he's doing it to try and get better. Does that make it okay? Absolutely not. But in Eren's mind, he's justified.
Plus, I just felt the show really cut short Eren;s character when he joined the scouting legion. I mean, he's 15, he's killed two people, watched his mother's gruesome death, and barely survived a famine after nearly dying inside a titan. He'd been dragged into a courtroom and called a monster, beaten, and taken in by a group of people who promise him death if he so much as steps out of line once.
Not to mention the fact Armin and Mikasa haven't joined the scouting legion at this point, so Eren is just... alone, and scared, and he's doing the only thing he thinks he can to learn to control himself.
But yes, yes yes! Your review was wonderful, constructive, and I absolutely loved it, so thanks! :)
WickedlyMalovent, Chapter 2
I love this. I read the first one yesterday but forgot to post a review BUT I LOVE IT. I've had bad experiences with self harm in. The past and when I read about my FAVIORTE characters making the same mistakes I did it makes me not feel so alone so thank you for writing this.
Ah, yes. I've seen some shit myself, and more than once I've wanted to stop existing. Funny how these chemicals we call emotions influence our actions so heavily, isn't it?
But my own experiences aside- I'm really glad this story helped you out a bit, and I'm glad you're doing better. I love writing my fics because of readers like you- people who've seen the dark side, so to speak, and know each and every feeling that I put into the fics, and can empathize with the character on the same level, because they've FELT it before, you know?
But my fic aside- I'm SO FUCKING PROUD OF YOU, because you're still here, and when you get that low, every day is a war. I am so glad you made it through, and though it's never really over, I'm so glad you've got the tools to deal with it instead of hurting yourself. I'M SO PROUD AND HAPPY TO HAVE SOMEONE LIKE YOU READING MY STORY, and I want you to know that. Keep kicking depression's ass, my darling! :)
EdibleCandy83, Chapter 2
Wow, this is better than I expected. Usually with fics like this people rush them and end up with a mediocre story, but this is one of the best written fics I've read. I really like how you keep them in character but also put this very human emotion in Erens' life. If you do ship Levi and Eren in this story line it will lead to some EXTREMELY amazing fluff and romance, I can't wait until the next update!
I'm glad you're enjoying it! I was afraid I was taking it too slow and boring people, but you just blew that notion out of the water, which is a relief, so thanks! I'm still debating the Ereri idea, as I'm getting mixed feeling from my readers on the whole idea, so we'll have to see ;)