The night was stretching on, and Oin was checking Ila's temperature for at least the fourth time since she had given birth. Zahra was pressing cool, wet cloths onto Ila's chest, her skin hot to the touch despite their efforts. Oin shook his head slightly and went to speak with Thorin. He was leaning over the fireplace, his head resting on his folded arms.
Thorin could not look at Ila for very long without becoming overwhelmed, and he would turn back to the fireplace and try to hide his face from the others before they could see his glistening eyes. He was so ashamed though, he almost did not care if they did see.
Dwala had taken the baby back to her own chambers. She needed to feed her own dwarfling, and she could care for the newborn there as well as she could here. She had not really wanted to go, but Oin convinced her there was nothing she could do for Ila, and that the newborn prince needed her more than Ila did at the moment anyway. Dwala went reluctantly, shooting daggers at Thorin as she went.
Zahra had been lost in her thoughts but she caught "nothing more I can do," having been uttered behind her.
She jerked her head towards Thorin and Oin. Thorin looked sick himself, pale and staring at the stone floor.
"She is strong, but she's giving up. She's not fighting, and I don't know why. Perhaps she can still hear us…..all you can do now is be by her side. Encourage her, maybe you can reach her beyond the fever. Short of Elven healing, I know of nothing else to do."
Oin had spread his hands and shook his head, he was at a loss and looked twice as old as he usually did. Thorin looked momentarily disgusted at the mention of Elves, but he recovered quickly. He seemed to be considering it.
"Is there time to send for someone? I would have to send a raven with the distance, and then, if they heeded it, it would take them days to come." Thorin asked Oin.
Oin looked at Ila before shaking his head again. "No….no there is no time for that. I am afraid she will not last the night if her fever does not break."
Thorin gripped the mantel above the fireplace so hard Zahra thought it would crumble in his hands. She was trying not to stare at him, but looking at Ila in her pitiful state and believeing she somehow could have prevented it was hard to do as well.
"I will remain here, if that is alright. I would not leave her, in case she improves or there is something more I can do."
"Of course," Thorin said without looking at him. "But you should take a break…..I would like few moments with her, alone."
"Yes, yes of course." Oin said and moved from the room. Zahra knew that was meant for her as well, but she was reluctant to leave. She withdrew the compress from Ila's chest and went to retrieve a fresh one, but Thorin's voice stopped her.
"Leave us, Zahra." His voice was low and she knew he was afraid it would crack audibly if he spoke louder.
Zahra looked at him, and quickly decided to leave her with him. He was devastated, completely distraught, and was a danger only to himself. She dropped a quick curtsy and left the room. As she shut the doors behind her, she increased her pace as she left the royal chamber. She needed to find Fili. She needed his reassurance, and she needed to confess to him what she had been keeping secret for so long. She needed to unburden her soul, as much as that was possible with Ila in her present state. Picking up her skirts, she practically ran.
Thorin waited until he heard Zahra was completely gone to move from the fireplace. He knew he must look a mess, his eyes red, his chest practically heaving. He crossed the room to the bed slowly and sat next to Ila. She looked so fragile. In truth, he had always thought her so. His queen, his wife, his children's mother. She needed protecting. And he had tried. Mahal, he had. He had tried too hard with all the things that didn't matter, and not nearly hard enough with the one thing that did- with himself.
She had needed protection from him. He had done this to her, in his greed, in his sickness. He thought he'd won that battle with the gold after they retook the Mountain. But he'd done it again, and now his wife was dying before his eyes.
Hot, angry tears stung his eyes as he forced them shut. He couldn't bear to see her this way. Knowing he was the cause made it gut wrenching. He had believed the very worst about her, manhandled her, nearly cost them the life of their baby. His son….his heir. He could not bear to look at him at all. The child seemed to know everything-impossible though that was, he looked at his father with accusing eyes. The babe didn't even have a name….but that was not something he could worry about right now. He pushed that, and the hurt Kili had caused him—firmly away to the back of his mind, to be dealt with later. Ila was the most important thing in the world tonight, the most important thing to him any night. And tonight might be her last.
Had there been time, he would have swallowed all his pride in one gulp and pleaded with the Elves for help. But even the closest of them were too far to help. And besides, he knew now what was really killing her.
He had broken her heart.
Reaching out slowly, tentatively, to touch her, he almost withdrew his hand. He was remembering how she had tried to come off the bed to get away from him earlier, and it punched him in the stomach to think of it. He deserved it, though. He just hoped she could forgive him. Someday…in time.
Thorin let his hand reach out and brush a stray hair from her face. She was hot to the touch and he got up to grab a cold compress from the basin near the bed. Wringing out the excess water quickly he brought it back to press onto her neck and chest. Her nightgown was thin and the covers were laying around her hips. Oin had said she'd lost a fair amount of blood but the bleeding mercifully stopped before she could come near bleeding out. Oin had also worried she would tear, but she hadn't. His love was not fragile, she was strong. Stronger than he had ever realized or given her credit for.
She twitched and rolled her head from side to side as the cold compress met her skin. She made soft noises, almost mumbling, but her eyes never opened. She was so pale, Thorin thought as he stroked her cheek lightly with his thumb.
"Ila," he whispered, but she didn't move. "Ila—"He said again, his voice trying to be steady. He hadn't thought of what to say, didn't know what he could say to right what he'd done. He didn't know if she could even hear him, but he had to try. Whether she could hear or not, he would say what he'd tell her if she were looking back into his eyes.
"Ila….I don't know what to say…..I..I am so sorry, my love. I can't even ask you to forgive me….I don't deserve it. But please….please don't leave me." His voice was cracking, he stumbled over the last few words as tears slipped down his cheeks and hit her chest.
"Please don't go….the babies…our babies need you. Please don't leave them." Thorin was crying freely now, cupping Ila's face with one hand.
"I am so sorry my love. I should have believed you. I should have treated you like a dwarf…not a possession. You just cannot imagine how much I love you….and how imperfect I am…..how undeserving of you I have always been. Please darling….don't stop fighting. Not for me…..for our babies. Please, Ila they need you-, I need you—"
Thorin broke down and began to sob unashamedly. He laid his head on her chest and wept into her gown, soaking it through with his tears.
"I'm sorry," he mumbled into her body, muffled as it was, he repeated it over and over through his tears.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry—"
Zahra had gone to Fili's rooms, but she hadn't really expected him to be there. She moved on, leaving the royal wing and going down to the main parts of the palace. There were revelers everywhere, some asleep in corners and others still wide awake and enjoying themselves. The feast and accompanying celebration had seeped out of the great hall and all over the Mountain. News seemed to have trickled down that an heir had been born, how Zahra didn't know but it was being wildly celebrated by those still standing.
Zahra picked her way through the dwarves and kept a look out for Fili. She needed to see him, to have this weight off her chest. And to be in his arms. She had come to believe that was the one thing that could make anything better.
Zahra wound her way into the great hall and all through it with no sign of Fili. She was about to go back to the royal wing when she saw him coming in the great doors of the main entrance, his mother on his arm. Zahra was confused for a moment, but then realized Kili was nowhere to be found. She feared she would never see him again, now. More guilt stung at her insides. She would wait until she could be alone with Fili so he could explain it all to her.
Fili looked to be practically supporting Dis, and his face was as grave as she had ever seen. Their expressions made her stop short, she did not want to approach Dis in her fragile state. So instead she hung back, waiting to see where they were going. But then Dis saw her, and beckoned to her.
"Zahra," Dis began quietly as she dabbed tears from the corners of her red eyes. "How is Ila?"
"Much the same, I am afraid. His highness wanted to be alone with her for a while and he dismissed me." Zahra replied.
"I feared as much." Dis replied sadly. "I will return to her side."
"You need rest mother," Fili argued. He too had red rimmed eyes and looked to have been crying. Zahra felt her stomach hit her feet again for what must have been the tenth time that night. What had happened?
"Ila may die Fili, she needs me." Dis said so lowly that no one beyond them could hear.
Fili shut his eyes and shook his head. He led his mother back towards the royal bedchamber with Zahra close behind. She gripped her skirts so tightly they should have come to pieces. The walk back to the bedchamber seemed to take forever.
In the antechamber, Dis told Fili to get some rest in his own rooms and he embraced his mother before giving her a light kiss on the forehead. Dis looked up at her eldest with the most sorrowful of eyes and stroked his bearded cheek before pulling away from him. Zahra cast down her eyes so she did not intrude on mother and son. She wanted to remain in someone's good graces if it were possible at this point, after all.
Dis turned to open the bedchamber door and Fili turned to Zahra. They waited for the door to shut before throwing themselves at each other.
Fili crushed Zahra to his chest, his arms like steel bands around her. She didn't care, she held onto him for dear life too.
"Darling, what has happened? Where is your brother?" she asked into his hair.
She felt Fili jerk, that is he breathed so hard he shook and Zahra tightened her grip on him before he pulled back to look in her face.
"Uncle has banished him. Kili refused to apologize for what he did."
"What he did?"
"He forced himself on Ila…he's been in love with her since she came to the Mountain. I thought it was just a little crush that he had long gotten over…..but I was wrong." Fili shook his head and fought back new tears.
"Oh, oh Fili. I am so sorry." Zahra said and fell back into his chest. She hugged him tighter than ever, knowing his must be killing him from the inside out. He had never been separated from his brother. They were practically twins.
"Mother is devastated. Uncle is going to let him go to Ered Luin, but he is never to set foot under the Mountain again while Uncle lives. If Kili could only have apologized!" Fili's voice was both sorrowful and angry now. But he held tight onto Zahra.
"I'm so sorry my love." She said into his chest.
"It's not your fault," he said into her hair as he rubbed her back.
"But I feel like it is." Zahra forced herself to say.
"Why? That is ridiculous." Fili said, but she could hear the question in his voice.
Zahra pulled away so she could stare up into Fili's face.
"Thorin asked me weeks ago to keep an eye on Ila and Kili, they were never to be left alone. He had a feeling something was going on and I had to report to him every night. He said if I told anyone he would send me back to the Iron Hills, and I just couldn't let that happen. But nothing happened between your brother and Ila. Except tonight, when I should have been with her. But I wanted so much to be with you, after your big win—"
Fili disengaged from her and backed away a pace or two. His expression was unreadable, but it was not the comforting one she had hoped for.
"Wait….you mean you knew Uncle suspected something was going on, you knew this for weeks, and you never breathed a word of it to me?"
"Fili, I just told you what ultimatum he gave me. I couldn't risk letting him send me back, away from you forever! But I thought I had nothing to worry about- nothing inappropriate ever happened between Ila and Kili-"
"How could you not trust me? Do you really believe I would have let Uncle send you away for that? Or even discover you were how I knew about what he suspected? We could have figured it out, Zahra, if only you had told me!"
"Fili! I am sorry, I never meant for anything to happen! I was afraid of Thorin, I am still afraid of Thorin. I don't know him like you do, can't you understand the position I was in?" Zahra was on the verge of pleading with him. This was absolutely not how she thought this conversation would go.
Fili walked away, clenching his fists and shaking his head. She had never seen him like this before and had no idea what to expect. They had never even argued before, and this was deadly serious.
"Again, if you had only trusted me Zahra. If Kili had known he was being watched, that Uncle suspected something, he would not have been so foolish, this could all have been avoided. We could have done something!"
Zahra began to weep, and now plead with Fili. As poorly as she had felt before now she wanted to find a hole to live in for the rest of her life.
"Fili, please—is it so terrible—"
"Yes it is! My brother is banished! My mother is beside herself, and Ila is like to die from what I understand. I cannot believe the events of tonight are not in some way responsible for the surprise birth and her present condition. Who knows what Uncle did to her in his state! None of this had to happen-"
"No it didn't! It's all your brother's fault! Had he minded his own business instead of trying to bed his Uncle's wife none of this would have ever happened!"
Zahra screamed back at him and Fili turned blood red. His chest was heaving and he looked angry as a balrog. But he said nothing. She knew her words cut too deep, hurt too much because they were true. She hadn't meant to scream, but she had to defend herself. She had too much grief already to have him pile on more and more. All she had wanted was for him to tell her it was going to be ok, that he knew she would never have knowingly set something like this in motion. To even be angry that his uncle had used her feelings for him to keep her silent and doing his bidding. But Fili had none of that for her, no comfort. He was drowning in a sea of his own grief tonight.
"Well?" Zahra asked rather meekly after having yelled at him, and he having said nothing.
Fili was gritting his teeth and clenching and unclenching his fists. Finally, he spoke.
"Tend to your queen." He replied and strode from the room without another look in her direction. He said it levelly, but the lack of care or affection for her cracked like a whip over her back, worse than if he had screamed at her.
Astounded, and heartbroken, Zahra sank to the floor on began to weep into her hands.
Downstairs, Dwalin was nodding off despite an angry, fussy new born dwarfling being only a few paces away. He had had plenty of ale, but it was beginning to wear off. He was no lightweight by any measure, and it took a great deal of ale to see him thoroughly drunk.
He was reclining in a sturdy and comfortable chair in their bedroom, his leg that received the minor cut propped up and Farin dozing on his lap. The lad was much like his father, sleepy and doing a good job of it despite the wailing newborn in the room.
Dwalin opened one eye to look at his wife trying to soothe the babe by walking him about.
"I thought you said you fed him? What's the matter with the wee thing?" Dwalin asked.
"He wants his mother, of course." Dwala said, pacing back and forth with the newborn prince and rocking him gently.
Dwalin took on a more serious tone, thinking he should be by Thorin's side. Dwala had urged him to stay away a while, that Ila needed space and Thorin was in no state to be seen or see anyone. Had walking not been uncomfortable Dwalin probably would have ignored her requests.
"Ila will be fine dear. She's strong."
Dwala shook her head, her expression the most troubled he'd ever seen on his wife.
"Her heart is broken Dwalin. If she does make it through the night, nothing will be the same."
Dwalin nodded. He didn't have all the pieces but he'd heard enough to know things were particularly bad. Thorin was possessive and jealous when it came to things he treasured. He'd seen firsthand what the dragon sickness could do. He'd thought that was long past. But Ila had proved them all wrong.
The prince seemed to be quieting finally, but Dwala didn't dare lay him down just yet. The poor thing had had a traumatic entry into the world. He needed his mother.
Farin began to shift on Dwalin's chest and fuss a little in his sleep, but Dwalin soothed him and stroked his little head with his large hand. Farin gripped a hand full of his father's shirt and appeared to settle back into a peaceful sleep.
Dwalin smiled at him adoringly. "I suppose this is what having two would be like. The both of us up with no sleep, trying to calm fussing dwarflings every night." He mused.
"I thought you said you wanted ten dwarflings." Dwala remarked very casually.
"Well, perhaps not all at once."
"Well I don't believe I could carry ten at once." Dwala replied.
Dwalin gave his wife a look that said she knew that's not what he meant, then closed his eyes and laid his head back into the chair. Holding the prince with one arm, Dwala walked over to take Dwalin's hand with her free one and laid it over her stomach.
"But….I suppose I can give you ten, one at a time."
Dwalin's eyes snapped open, full of alertness where they had just been rather sleepy.
Dwala smiled serenely down at her husband, and he gaped back at her.
"Another? Already?" he asked incredulously.
Dwala giggled. "Yes, it should not come as a surprise. Though I was only sure in the last day or so. I was waiting for the right moment. But I couldn't wait any longer."
Dwalin leaned over to kiss her flat belly through her dress.
"My love, I cannot say how happy you make me."
"Nor I you," she replied, squeezing his hand, and for the first time that night forgot about everything horrible that had happened, and basked in the joyous knowledge that she and Dwalin would be parents again.