HOLYSHIT IT'S SO LATE!
Anyways, here we get a little bit of Eren/Squad interaction (things are still a bit awkward), and a lot of Eren/officer interaction. As in, Eren gets a sort of evaluation. And I threw in some heaping tablespoons of angst for you.
Sorta like counseling, a bit, but like an evaluation. Okay, I can;t write anything that makes sense anymore, but I'm posting this for you guys. Please review! :P
Eren wanted to do anything but sit at the table with Squad Levi the next morning, but he did anyways. He kept his head down as he picked at his food, hiding his eyes beneath his bangs and doing his best to ignore the uncertain glances everyone was throwing him.
Levi, however, was normal, delegating responsibilities among the squad and outlining the day, as usual.
Eren ducked his head lower when Levi told Auruo and Gunther they'd be tending to the stables- that way normally his job. Nobody said anything, though, and Petra slid something onto his plate. Eren looked down to find it was a strawberry and glanced over at her, confused.
She handed him a note underneath the table.
Enjoy! was written in curly handwriting.
She looked over at him pleadingly- he had no idea why. Did she want him to do something?
Another scrap of paper was in his hand, then.
Please smile. Just a little...
Ah, that was it. She wanted to see him smile? Was- was she trying to make him happy with a gift? It'd been so long since he'd gotten a gift, and he looked over at her- he appreciated her gift, he really did, but he didn't think he could smile.
Still, he forced his lips to curl back in what could be called an attempt- and Petra grinned. Eren let his eyes drop back to his plate, feeling anything but happy. He just felt... numb.
"Eren, you'll be with me." Levi turned to him, and Eren nodded. "Yes Sir."
Everyone finished breakfast, and Eren wordlessly followed behind Levi, expecting to be taken into the yard for more experiments. He was surprised when they stayed inside the castle, heading up to a floor which only contained meeting rooms.
"L-levi?" Eren stuttered, uncertain.
Levi turned for a moment, looking at Eren with shock.
Fear flashed in Eren's eyes when he realized he'd just called the Captain by his first name. "I-I'm sorry, Sir... I-I mean Captain..." Eren could barely stutter out the words, he was tripping over himself, now, hands shaking, just waiting for Levi to kick him across the room...
The shock quickly faded from Levi's expression when he saw Eren hunched over, as though he was ready to be hit. Normally- Levi would've hit him. But he wondered for a brief second if his physical punishments had contributed to Eren;s situation, and decided to give him a pass.
"Eren."
"C-Captain?"
"Look at me."
Eren looked up hesitantly, as though he expected to be hit.
"You may call me by my first name, but only when no one else is present. Understood?"
"Y-yes Si- yes Levi." Eren managed, looking surprised.
"Now come with me."
Eren didn't hesitate to follow Levi down the hall, through a heavy oak door, into a conference room.
Eren froze like a deer in the headlights for a moment when he saw Erwin seated at the large table.
Erwin gave the boy a pained smile, nodding to him. "Have a seat, Eren. You aren't in any trouble."
Eren quietly did as he was told, finding himself sitting across from Hanji, who looked up at him seriously. "Eren. I- I don't really know how to say this- but you've been hurting yourself. And I- well, I wanted to ask you some questions to see if we can figure out why, and make sure that you don't do it again..."
Hanji's normally insane eagerness was replaced by an air of seriousness that daunted Eren for a moment. Was she uncomfortable talking to him about this? What was with the change in her demeanor?
"Levi and I wanted to be present while Hanji gathers data- to see if maybe we can provide some insight." Erwin added.
Eren nodded slowly. "So... this is all an experiment?"
"No, Eren. It's- it's an evaluation of sorts- to go in your file." Hanji admitted.
"Why do I need an evaluation!? A-are you going to kick me out of the Corps?" all the color had drained from Eren's face.
"No one is kicking you out of the Corps, Eren." Erwin said, trying to calm the boy.
"T-then why do I need an evaluation!?" Eren was still anxious, eyes darting towards Levi, then the door...
"You need this because we care about you, dammit!" Hanji burst out, glaring at him. "I- I don't know the science behind your behavior, Eren, but I want to understand it- we don't want you hurting yourself again!"
Eren was dead silent for a moment. They actually cared? Looking around at the three people staring at him, he saw the concern in their eyes and realized they were genuine. He had to stop for a moment- he'd never thought his little habit would affect the others, much less make them actually worry for him…. There were a lot of things happening nowadays he hadn't anticipated.
"What do you want to know?"
"Well… how did this whole thing actually start? When was the first time you hurt yourself?"
"After I accidentally transformed. I realized how close the squad came to killing me, how they looked at me like I was a titan… how much of a monster I was. I cut myself to control it, really- it was a test of sorts. If I could hurt myself without going titan, I figured I was making progress…."
"This whole thing started as an experiment?" Hanji's voice was quiet, eyes surprised.
"Well… yeah. I wanted control. If people tell you you're a monster for long enough, you start to believe it- cutting was my release. It helped me prove them wrong. Seeing that I could control my titan by cutting- it was reassuring. And then I realized how much I like the pain…."
"What do you feel when you cut, Eren?"
"Pain. Stinging- it really hurts when you open yourself up like that- and then just… nothing. It's like a drug- it's like sleeping without the nightmares. Your mind is at peace, if only for a few seconds, it's like a drug, really, a high that lasts for as long as you have a blade."
"Do you have any other blades in your room, Eren?" Erwin spoke up this time from where he was sitting, hands steepled, looking concerned at the way Eren was talking about his habit.
Eren froze like a deer in the headlights.
Erwin sighed. "Eren. Your room is going to be searched, so it'd be much easier if you simply told us…."
"I don't have anything." Eren said, eyes wide. He was lying through his teeth, but right now, he didn't care. If they searched his room they'd find a few bent nails he'd taken from the barn- he kept his piece of glass in his pocket. No matter how much they wanted to help him- Eren couldn't handle having his release taken away from him.
Better they find his nails and he still have his piece of glass….
"And what gives you the right to search my room!?"
"You've been injuring yourself badly, Eren. We need to search your room to make sure this doesn't happen again…." Levi tried to reason with him.
"None of you even gave a fuck about it before! What's changed now, Captain!? You found out about it and now it's in the reports, so you have to pretend to help me!? I don't need you or you stupid help! I just need to be left alone!" Eren was leaning across the table, now, panting, glaring t Levi with nothing less than pure rage on his face.
"Eren. Calm down…." Erwin started, only to fall silent when Eren whipped his burning gaze over to him, lips twitching into a snarl.
"My entire family has been ripped away from me, everyone here but you three are terrified of me and convinced I'm a monster, I'm constantly reminded that I'll be killed if I mess up, and I sleep in a fucking dungeon! Don't tell me to calm down! Just let me have my habits…." Eren was panting, now, all the hate and anger had bled out from his gaze as he realized just what was happening.
They were really going to take everything sharp from him- he wasn't going to have anything. He was going to be watched like a hawk. Everything- all the control he'd achieved- was going to be wrenched away from him, and he physically couldn't deal with that. He put his head down on the table, breathing ragged.
It felt like his entire world was shattering around him.
"Eren?" Hanji asked, voice uncertain.
"Fuck all of you." was all Eren muttered, resting his head in his arms on the table, before he broke down sobbing.
The only sound in the room was crying for a moment- Erwin frowned at the sight, wondering for a brief moment just how the boy had gotten so broken without them noticing.
Levi wordlessly lifted Eren's head off the table, handkerchief wiping the snot from the boy's nose. "I refuse to let you drown in your own bodily fluids, Jager." he deadpanned, attempting to lighten the mood. Levi was slightly disturbed when Jager didn't even crack a smile- normally the brat would be laughing. How long had it been since he'd heard Eren laugh?
Levi let go of Eren's hair, and Eren's head fell back into his arms on the table with a thunk. Eren didn't react.
"Jager. Get up. That's an order."
"Fuck you." Eren choked out, voice muffled in his arms.
Normally, Levi would've hit the kid for mouthing off like that, but Jager was clearly so... broken, that he couldn't entertain the thought of punishing him for it. The boy obviously was struggling to think and behave rationally, and in his fragile emotional state, Levi wondered, with some degree of alarm, if the boy could lose his grip on sanity altogether.
Erwin cleared his throat. "I think we're done here." he got to his feet, deciding they'd continue the evaluation when Eren was more composed.
Levi shot the Commander an uncertain glance, wondering what the hell he was supposed to do with the crying soldier.
Erwin didn't know, and the man simply walked out of the room, clearly uncomfortable with all the emotion. Hanji was looking over at Eren pitifully, though she, too, was clueless, and Levi realized he'd have to take some initiative here.
"Oi, brat. Do you want me to have to carry you out of here? The entire squad will see me carrying you while you cry, it'll be humiliating..."
"Keep your filthy hands off me!" Eren spat into his sleeves, still not even lifting his head.
So Levi was silent, waiting for nearly half an hour until the boy's sobs has dulled to hiccups, and finally, silence.
"He's very... distraught." Hanji managed, looking concerned.
"No shit." Levi growled, frustrated at his own inability to help the kid. Eren had cried himself to sleep- it didn't make much, considering his body was still weak from the healing wounds on his arms. Levi went to sling the boy over his shoulder but thought better of it, instead taking the boy into his arms, bridal style, making sure to mind the boy's injuries as he took him down to the dungeon, laying him on his bed and pulling the sheets over the boy.
He sighed, looking at the pale face, remembering the desperation and hopelessness he'd seen in those green eyes.
"Hang in there you little shit. We'll figure something out."
MAILBAG
OtakuKidXD, Chapter 4
I love this work. I tried to look for any other Eren self harms while still in the Attack on Titan world and I couldn't so I am so glad that you are writing this!
Just as a thought, I know it's cliche, but what if Levi actually fears Eren a bit and accidentally said it out loud where Eren could hear a bit of it, walks away broken, and then Levi finishes his sentence. One of those, I am healing all because of you Levi and now I feel hollow since you are just like everyone else. And maybe then introduce the new trainees and have Mikasa and Armin find him like that.
Actually, will the other trainees get introduced sometime within this fanfic? Like a Mikasa and Armin hate Levi and the squad for what they did to Eren and how it is their fault that Eren is the way he is? Please?
If angst is your guilty pleasure, then I thought that this would provide some perfect material. (I hope)
Keep up the FANTASTIC work!
Wow. First off, I'm flabbergasted at how eloquently your review is written. Second- I'm amazed. Do you ever sleep? You're one of my most faithful readers and you always leave such constructive, incredible reviews. Your literary analysis never ceases to enthrall me, and I gotta say- you must have hella high marks in English, considering how good you are at picking out plot elements.
I'm debating the other trainees still, and while I like the Levi scene where eren thinks Levi fears him, I've got a little something different, but along the same lines, sorta. That's all I'm gonna say. ;)
Finally- thanks, yet again, for another AMAZING review. I swear- you're going to be an author someday, as you;re absolutely brilliant! Never stop reading! :D
Sheena, Chapter 4
I love how you portray Eren in this chapter as being straightforward, honest and innocent despite the anger and desperation inside him. Also, Levi is such a socially awkward cinnamon roll lol. He might not admit it, but he cares for Eren. Thank you for writing this and please write fluff next :p
Sorry there's no fluff. :(
Unfortunately, in my angsty fics, I like to stick to the angst. there may be some fluff in the future, though.
And I absolutely loved your review. You captured everything I wanted Levi to be in four words- 'socially awkward cinnamon roll'. And in such a unique way, too. I'm also really glad you like Eren's characterization, and your review made me smile, so thank you! :)
SecretWishX, Chapter 4
Well! This was amazing, to say the least. I feel as if you made Levi concerned, but it was like the reader decided if it was love or not. I love love how you've made the diolouge, and the things Levi says, they're just like him! Oh, and I think that's just how everyone would react. And the way that Eren's mental state is, he doesn't understand why everyone is horrified at fist, it's beautiful! I can see how Eren thinks and why he feels this way, almost as if if I was in his situation, I might do the same. I especially like how you put that his healing abilities are affected by his meant all stae; it makes sense. I need more!
Why thank you good sir! *tips hat*. I never really thought of it that way- I wanted to make Levi in character, as a lot of people absolutely butcher Levi's characterization for the sake of Ereri. And I wanted the reader to decide whether Levi liked or loved Eren, that way both shippers and non-shippers can enjoy it, so I'm glad it reads that way. Glad you;re enjoying the story! :)
Somethingmore, Chapter 4 (hehe, it rhymes!)
The angst Eren shows is brilliant, the way you describe his thoughts. Will he continue cutting himself or is he healed? I am suggesting that you should have Levi order Eren to have counseling with Hanji or Levi. Or maybe you could have Eren continue cutting himself because he is afraid he will lose the control he already has. So Levi has to force Eren to be under constant supervision, so they are forced to share a room with Hanji. And maybe you could have a scene where Levi walks in on Eren cutting himself and Levi has to physically stop the boy. I love the way you describe Eren's feeling to the pain. You are a wonderful author and I can't wait for more.
*Rubs hands together*, oh, don't worry, I have many, many plans for Levi dealing with Eren and his self-harm. The thing with cutting is- it gives you control over something, no matter how trivial it is. And once people have control- they rarely give it up willingly, as we see in this chapter, Eren is really dependent of self-harm and freaks out at the notion of having all sharp objects being taken from him.
Thanks for such a well-written review, and though I can't address much more of it, just know that we'll all be riding the angst train quite soon.
Sarah, chapter 4
Aww that was a really sad and cute chapter. Levi is so nice secretly and i love levi and eren. The part about how eren said he just liked to bleed made me remember when i was like that but my boyfriend managed to get me yo stop and helped me through that time even though he was angry i kept my problems to myself but hes been with me for nearly 5 years now and still helps me when i need that emotional support. When your in a state like that you just need someone to listen and not judge you but support and help you.
Keep writing your amazing stories because you are amazing.
*Blushes* Why thank you, m'lady. And might I say- you are one lucky girl to have found such a sweet boyfriend, and one strong warrior to have crawled out of the dark place self-harm took you to. I'm so fucking proud of you! :D
ALRIGHT KIDS ITS LIKE ELEVEN AT NIGHT AND I AM A KID WITH HIGHSCHOOL AND COLLEGE TOMORROW AND I JUST ATE LIKE 6 PACKAGES OF FRUIT GUSHERS AND I'M TIRED AND GENERALLY VERY ODD SO I SHOULD PROBABLY GO TO SLEEP. HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE CHAPTER AND PLEASE REVIEW!
PS- I stayed up late to wrtie and post this just for you guys, because I kept thinking of you and this fic. ;)