Firstly- I'd like to apologize for the lack of reviews this weekend. I was at taekwondo, getting beat up, all weekend. ;)
Second- I'd like to thank all of you guys for you patience, and I hope you enjoy! :)
Eren woke up in his room in the dungeons, with his face sticky. The events in the conference room that
morning came crashing back to him, and he curled deeper into the blankets. Maybe if he made himself small enough, he'd just disappear.
He heard footsteps on the stone floor coming closer, but chose to ignore them, instead burying his face in the pillow. The footfalls came to a halt just outside his cell door, and there was the sound of metal on metal as the door to his cell was unlocked, the slight squeak of the door swinging open….
"Oi. I know you're awake. Get up." Levi's voice was quiet- Eren entertained the thought of disregarding him for a brief moment, but realized he'd only be digging himself in deeper if he did.
He sat up, the sheets pooling at his waist, hands scrubbing at his crusty. bloodshot eyes as he scrutinized his Captain.
"Sir?"
Levi frowned, noting the tone of voice in Eren's voice. "Get up. We're going for a ride."
Eren hesitated for a brief moment before swinging his legs over the bed and pulling on his boots, shambling after Levi clumsily. Eren turned away once they'd entered the hallway, putting up his hand, surprised, when sunlight streamed through the windows of the corridor.
Levi gave the boy a passing glance. "It's afternoon, by the way." he supplied, a bit late. They strode out to the stables where Levi's horse was tied to a fence rail, beside Eren's.
Eren couldn't help himself- the corners of his lips twitched into a smile when Levi had to climb the fence rail to mount his black horse.
Levi noticed, for course, doing a double-take. For a moment he considered snapping at the brat, but he bit back the venomous words, realizing it'd been the first time he'd seen Eren smile in days.
Eren wordlessly climbed onto his own chestnut gelding, absently stroking the horse's ear as he and Levi started their horses at a canter, side-by-side.
"What was it you wanted to talk to me about, Sir?" Eren asked, tone still void of nearly all emotion.
"I didn't want to talk about anything- I just wanted to get you out of the castle. You're cooped up in there far too much."
Eren nodded, seeming to chew the words over for a moment. "Thank you." he said quietly.
"No problem."
They headed down the trail through the pine forest nearby the castle, Eren's posture slowly relaxing as he went. The boy had loosened up considerably, but his eyes still held that glassy look, still showed he was trying to keep himself from being further wounded.
"Ride on ahead." Levi told him.
Eren's eyes widened, a bead of sweat trailing down his face. "Sir?"
"Ride ahead, Eren."
"B-but I'm not supposed to be without supervision…."
"I trust you." Levi's silver eyes were serious, and Eren nodded, swallowing, before kicking his mare into a trot and then a gallop, taking off ahead of Levi. Levi watched the boy, expression disinterested, as always.
The trail in the forest was winding, and Levi estimated Eren would only be a few minutes ahead of him. Eren had never ridden this trail, but once they got through the forest, they'd reach a valley. He was just hoping the ride would relax the boy, to be honest. Eren was in such a fragile state- he really needed something relaxing.
Levi trailed a minute or so behind the boy, waiting slightly. He pulled up on the reins, remaining just out of sight within the forest, when he saw Eren had stopped dead in the path, simply staring at the valley in front of him, hands in his lap, perfectly still atop his horse.
A rabbit darted across the path ahead of him, then, spooking his horse, which reared- Eren gave a shout of surprise, tumbling off the horse onto the path, before the frightened chestnut was running off into the goldenrod, spooked.
Eren laid in the dirt for a moment, surprised, before he did something Levi never would've expected. He laughed.
"Stupid horse." he muttered, getting to his feet and attempting to brush the dirt off his pants. "You've seen titans before, you dumbass! And you're scared of a rabbit?" Eren cupped his hands around his mouth, shouting after the gelding, who paid him no mind.
Eren chuckled, starting down the hill in the valley towards where his horse had settled, an uneasy thirty feet or so away.
He tripped and went tumbling down, however, ending up in a heap in the tall grass at the bottom of the field. He laid still for a moment, dazed, and his horse trotted over, nuzzling at his face curiously.
Eren laughed at the feeling of the velvety lips brushing against his cheek.
"Hey- lemme up!" he managed, before he was stumbling to his feet, looking the horse in the eyes. "This whole thing is your fault, you know."
His horse snorted dismissively.
"Yeah, well screw you too." Eren muttered, though his smile contradicted the statement as he swung up into the saddle, riding back uphill onto the path.
Levi decided to make his presence known at that moment, riding up behind Eren like he hadn't been watching the whole thing from within the trees. "Enjoying the ride?"
"Eh?" Eren looked up, green eyes surprised to see the Captain. "Yes, Sir. It's beautiful here." Eren cast a glance out at the valley he'd just tumbled through fondly, a small smile breaking through his porcelain features for a moment. Levi knew he wasn't mistaken when he realized there was a bit of that old spark back in the boy's eyes.
"Good. Let's head back- it's nearly dinner time."
Eren nodded absently, though there was the ghost of a smile on his lips. He looked up more often, enjoying the way the setting sun streamed through the trees.
Levi was glad to see nobody was out on the front lawn when they returned to the castle. He'd expected his squad to be out and waiting, concerned for his safety, since he'd been with Eren alone, but it appeared they'd listened to his orders, for once.
Eren wordlessly stabled their horses and strode into dinner that night, still quiet but less morose.
Eld nodded to the boy, sliding him a bowl of the stew they were having. "We saved you some." he said neutrally.
Eren looked surprised for a moment, before he nodded. "Thanks."
It was far from a warm exchange, but the tension was noticeably absent, which was all Levi could really ask for.
The awkwardness wasn't as prevalent, either.
The entire troop seemed to disregard the bandages on Eren's arms, until one came undone and fell, the slightly stained cotton fluttering to the floor.
Eren looked over, slightly shocked.
Petra gasped, and Eren was left staring at the… clean skin of his arm?
"Well, that's… unexpected." Auruo managed, sipping his tea cup bemusedly.
"Don't breathe a word of that to Hanji, kid, or she'll slice you right open again." Gunther said, with an air of… humor?
"Noted." Eren said with a small smile, before he was turning back to his meal.
Though Levi didn't say anything, he noted the development. He'd known Eren's arms had been deeply wounded this morning- he'd been the one to change the boy's bandages while he'd slept.
Still- Eren had mellowed to an almost happy state, and it further supported Hanji's theory that the boy's healing was influenced by his emotions.
Still, Levi went to bed that night less worried than before. Eren's improvement was promising- the boy had gone from an incomprehensible mess to relatively stable within the span of a few hours.
Maybe- just maybe- Eren was going to be able to recover from this faster than anyone had thought.
Eren laid in his room, his shard of glass in hand, staring at his thigh.
He wasn't upset. On the contrary- he was relatively happy. But that didn't mean he was going to put his comrades at risk by stopping- or by losing everything- all the control he'd developed.
He knew they were checking his arms- but nobody had made any mention of his thighs. And if what he'd seen today- with his healing abilities- no one would find out, either way.
He wordlessly pressed the shard to his skin, letting the edge bite, ignoring the sickening sound of flesh parting.
Blood trickled down his legs, but he didn't care, closing his eyes. I am calm- I'm okay. the Levi Squad trusts me- Levi trusts me- and I am in control.
Tendrils of steam trickled into the air, until all that was left was a white line where the flesh had melded back together.
He surveyed it without emotion, simply biting back the cry that bubbled up in his throat as he opened his flesh again, watching the steam rise emotionless.
He was getting better at controlling his titan abilities- and better at hiding it, as well, he supposed. From now on- all he needed to do was hide the scars, instead of worrying about the open wounds bleeding. It was a great improvement.
He was one step closer to invincible.
MAILBAG
firelass19, Chapter 5
Distraught. Oh gawd, DISTRAUGHT does not even BEGIN to explain the SHIT that is going down here. Jeezus, this is so messed up... story aside, good luck hustling through senior year. My friends tell me that once you pass Winter vaca, seniors get... senioritise - a world-ending illness where victims give up on school. Let this light that lays before you guide your actions through these busy months; I'll fucking be cheering you on! I'm glad that you wrote this chappie for us; you have no idea how grateful I am and TBH, I think this might have been one of the best yet :)
Ah, absolutely! *blushes* thank you for being so understanding about the craziness that is senior year. Thankfully, I have an edge- I'm graduating highschool at 16 and attending college on the side, meaning that I never get bored. The downside? I have hardly any time for anything! XD But thanks so much for your support, and I'm really glad you're enjoying the story! :)
xxxRavensPerchOnMyHeadxxx, Chapter 5
Wow. This is the first AOT fanfic I've read, and let me just say this was amazing. I've never seen a self-harm story written this well, and especially not so well-written that it could be canon. I love this story. Are you going to continue it or is this the end?
Oh- no WAY I'm ending it that soon! I have MILES AND MILES of angst to unravel, my friend! :D
SecretWishX, Chapter 5
I LOVE FRUIT GUSHERSS!
And your story, yes, yes. I can't wait out see what you have planned for Levi and Eren and all the angst! I love the angst! When Eren cussed at Levi, I though he was for sure dead! I can totally see Levi acting this was and Eren doing this and Hange doing this! I feel as Hange is a bit excited, she loves experiments, but she trying to hold that back so she doesn't hurt Eren's feelings! Can't wait of moreeeee!
Ah, yes, my more controversial moments. I feel like Levi, under any other circumstances, you've absolutely beaten the shit out of Eren. However, seeing how broken and irrational Eren was... Levi took that into context and saw Eren as broken, not insubordinate, so he let ti slide. And Hanji- while she does love science, I tried to make it feel as though she was more concerned about Eren as a person. She was just really... shocked, I guess... that Eren could consider hurting himself an experiment, and that he would go so far.
Hanji wants Eren better more than anything- she hates seeing him so distraught and not being able to explain why he's feeling this way or what's going on with him. She's fascinated and also a little bit horrified as to what Eren;s done in the name of science. Glad you're enjoying it! :)
Sarah, Chapter 5
I loved this chapter it showed just how broken eren was. I thought it was really sad which is probably what you were aiming for also i thought the others were kind of sweet for wanting to help but as we all know they were too slow. This is like the first fic iv read where i dont outright hate petra...too much. Are the rest of the squad to lost that they dont know what to do? Maybe Arouo biting his tounge and being and idiot can make eren smile...?
I love your fanfic and i love you so keep doing what your doing because its amazing. And i look forward to your next update. Bye ;-)
Ah, yes, Petra. I feel like the show relied a little too much on gender roles. Like, she was sorta portrayed as too bubbly-happy all the time, compared to the boys- but then I remember seeing her fight alongside them and how amazing she was, and it makes it very hard to characterize her. She's one tough nut to crack.
Characterization aside, glad you're enjoying it! :)
Sheena, Chapter 5
You know what, I always make sure to check if this fic updates everyday lol. I love how you interact with us, your readers, and put your thoughts on the next chapters. Its like friends chatting on a regular basis XD For chap5, Eren is really emotionally unstable and it's breaking my heart. Also I'm looking forward to mother hen Mikasa and bestfriend Armin as other reviewers stated. Stay wonderful as always and keep safe.
Why thank you! I'd like to apologize for my lack of updates this weekend and thank you for your patience, both with the updates and with Armin/Mikasa being in the story. They will be in here eventually- but I wanna have a bit more Levi Squad angst, lol.
I'm glad you enjoy the dialogue we have here- SNK is generally a really mature fandom, so I take everything you guys say into consideration and do my best to respond to all your thoughtful replies. You guys are more like my friends than my readers- whenever you guys review, it makes me smile, and I love it, so thanks for making me feel awesome! :)
OtakuKidXD, Chapter 5
Awww, you make me blush.
I hope you don't take any of my reviews negatively, just fyi. Your choice to use what I suggest or to scrap it...I won't cry either way since you write so well.
On another note, I like how Eren seems to be so dependent on his cutting, that it is the one thing in his life that he can have complete control over. This is amazingly accurate and realistic since this does happen in reality (I don't cut...fyi, just took AP psychology and can get the general mindset of the cutter, in this case Eren).
Since Eren is all about controlling his monster and "bleeding him out" to appear and feel human, is there a chance that he can expand his control, through a suggestion made by any character (for instance Levi, Hanji, Erwin, or the others in Levi's Squad), to encompass or include healing? Like, bleeding out the monster and then trying to hide the evidence by healing the cuts, though they may still make scars to prove he is human. An idea, that as he controls his mental state and gets a firmer grip on reality, he can also start to control that aspect of his Titan ability.
Another thing, if the arms are getting watched like a hawk and are constantly being bandaged by the Squad and checked, you could make it so that Eren's cutting starts to go further south. The inner thighs are a decent hiding place (though they may interfere with the maneuver gear straps) that aren't checked due to their strange spot and it isn't likely that Levi would strip Eren to his boxers to get a look at it. This way, he may be able to continue his cutting in a more secretive manner while continuing it.
As always, great work and I'm glad that you don't mind that I review your work. It's just such amazing pieces of story plot and well written dialog that I can't help but comment and compliment it.
Keep up the great work! XD
Oh no- your reviews are always well-written, constructive and positive, and I look forward to reading your take on my writing nearly every time. As you can see, some of your ideas got used in this chapter- (mental state, hiding cuts farther south, ect.). Don't worry about bombarding me with ideas, either- you're a very rational person and you understand if I don't use them all, so I absolutely love hearing what you have to say.
Finally- I'm not a cutter, either- but anxiety and depression run in my family, so I sorta have a first-hand look into how irrational it can make people, as well as a bunch of internet research so I could make realistic hurt/comfort and angsty fics, lol.
As always, a pleasure to hear from you! :)