A/N: I'm very aware that this story is getting depressing and dark. And maybe I'm harping too much on the tragedies and the war. And if you're getting bored or you're getting annoyed, than by all means, stop reading. This is how I envisioned this story and I'm going to keep on writing it the way I have been. I want to say that everything works out in the end, but I can't promise that. What I can promise is that things will turn around. People will make up, others will stop dying, friendships will be rekindled, relationships will blossom, and ultimately, happiness will come to all. Will it happen in the next chapter? No. Will it happen over time? Yes. If you're getting impatient, I don't blame you. But if I don't harp on the sadness than the happiness won't mean nearly as much. So if you want to continue reading, please do. And if you don't, then I can't stop you. I just hope that won't happen!

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns most of the people in this story. I wish I was her but alas, I am not.

Goodbyes on the Balcony

Chapter 32: Of Dinners, Knocks, & Confrontations

By ByeByeBirdie

++LANCE++

I had somehow climbed out of bed the next morning long enough to go to work. I was an emotional wreck and should have avoided it but Drew basically owled me the night before (strongly worded which seemed out of character for him) saying that I better get my arse to work the next morning as we were already short-staffed. Needless to say, the day didn't go so well. I had yelled at a customer, I couldn't do a simple task like ring up an order for a recurring customer, and most of the day I hid away in the back storage room with half a bottle of firewhisky. But Drew couldn't say I didn't at least show up.

The two of us were arguing in the café about a muffin purchase order when we were interrupted by Keegan.

"Sirius knows."

Both Drew and I turned to face her. "Excuse me?" I asked, confused by the vague assessment.

She dropped into a chair. "He knows I work with your sister."

I was hoping to avoid this very moment when I had been hit with the realization that Riley and Keegan worked together but I knew it had to come up eventually. But 2 days after Sirius ran into her was a lot quicker than I had anticipated.

I dropped into a chair beside Keegan. "Oh" was all I could think of to say. Drew didn't say anything.

"Tell me something, Lance," she murmured.

I merely nodded.

"When you suggested I move in with Lily, did you know then I worked with your sister?"

I shook my head almost immediately. "You never told me who you worked for, Keegan. And I never asked. It was well after you had moved in with Lily that the subject of your workplace surfaced."

"You didn't think the fact that I worked with your sister, a sister everyone thought was still in Australia, was something you should have mentioned to me?"

I sighed. "I was already keeping secrets for Riley. It was just one more to add to the pile."

"Became second nature for us," Drew finally spoke. I sensed resentment in his voice and I didn't blame him.

Keegan frowned hesitantly. "We are all in deep shit."

My jaw tightened as I glared up at her. "All?" I couldn't help but snap. "Last I checked, you and Sirius weren't exactly all buddy-buddy so the fact that he found out you lied isn't exactly a 'deep shit' kind of moment, now is it?"

She pulled back, startled at my accusation. I could feel Drew's disapproving eyes on me as well. "I'm sorry," she spoke softly. "You're right. I shouldn't care."

"Of course you care," Drew said with a shrug. "This is happening to all of our friends and it can't be easy for them. They weren't expecting this."

"Why does this have to be about them?" I snapped, shooting him a glare. "What about us? What about you? You think this is easy?"

"Of course not," Keegan murmured. "We already know we're going to lose a lot of trust in each other, but it's the trust we are going to lose in ourselves that's going to hit us hard."

My heart twinged anxiously as I turned to face her. Her words said it all. I had expected Kay to get angry and upset and disappointed. I had expected her to walk out to think it over. I had not expected her to break off our engagement. And that's what hurt the most. That no matter how much I had anticipated Kay finding out about Riley's return and me knowing about it, I had never once considered the idea that I would lose her. So it wasn't just her faith in me that deteriorated. I lost faith in myself for hiding behind the ugly truth for so long.

"I hate myself for what I did to her," I found myself speaking aloud, my voice on the verge of breaking.

"Don't beat yourself up," Keegan spoke softly. "We can't take back what happened and beating ourselves up over it isn't going to change anything."

I stiffened, climbing out of my seat. "I don't want to take it back. I just want Kay back," I muttered as I headed towards the back storage room where the firewhisky was calling my name.

++DREW++

I wasn't the first one to find out Riley had returned. Not that I was surprised. She and I always got along well for a brother and a sister but our relationship wasn't anything like the one she shared with Lance. They had been best friends growing up and I would have much rather spent my time with Dezzy than the two of them so we kept a safe distance from each other. But when the entire family got together, there was no holding back. We were a bunch of sons of bitches, playing pranks on each other, poking fun at each other's haircuts, enjoying a healthy sibling rivalry during our Quidditch matches that sent one of us to St. Mungo's every once and a while, starting food fights in the kitchen (much to Mother's dismay), playing endless games of hide and seek and leaving Billy hidden for hours before he realized we had duped him, burying each other in the sand at the local beach, and the list goes on. There were times growing up in a big family irritated me, such as the numerous times my older brothers made kissy faces when I was in Dezzy's presence or the time I got sent to St. Mungo's because Caleb and Rafe smashed into me on their brooms intentionally, but overall, I had never once wanted to trade in my family for another's.

When Riley had left, it shook all of us up. She was the female force that held us all together. Without her, we were just a bunch of testosterone-filled animals who didn't know how to play pranks on each other without being able to gang up on the girl. And it wasn't nearly as much to make fun of our haircuts without Riley's quick quips. The Quidditch teams were uneven and it wasn't the same without hearing her scream out "Goaaaaaaaaaaal" every time someone scored. The food fights went over easier with Mother when Riley could flash her an innocent smile and fake out an apology. We were still sons of bitches but we were a group of pathetic sons of bitches who apparently couldn't be happy without their sister by their side.

Riley had walked into the bookstore about two weeks after she returned to London and I had dropped the box of books in my hand on to my foot. It wasn't exactly the ideal reunion I had pictured but I had been so shocked to see her. I realized that I was actually happy to see her.

That lasted for all of ten minutes until she told me I wasn't allowed to tell anyone I had returned. I told her I wasn't going to keep secrets from Dezzy but dammit, Riley has always been persuasive when she needed to be. It's why she was such a damned good reporter.

I found Lance sulking in the storage room and wished I had any words of comfort to lift his spirits. But I knew there was nothing to say to make him feel any better about what had happened. "What would the boss say seeing you drinking on the job?" I said with a teasing smile.

Lance turned around from the crate he was sitting on, chugging another swig of firewhisky. He winced briefly at the stinging liquid before saying, "The boss would say he should be drunker."

I sighed, gesturing for him to pass me the bottle. He looked skeptically at me before hesitantly handing it to me. I took a small swig before handing it back to him. "I don't know what to say, Lance," I admitted.

"There's nothing to say," he croaked out, shrugging. "I lost the best thing that ever happened to me. And what's worse is all I want to do right now is blame Riley but..." he trailed off.

"But?"

His shoulders sagged as he let the defeat sink in. He took another long sip of firewhisky, the regret building in his eyes. "But I was the one who did this," he whispered hoarsely, his voice cracking. I could tell he was holding back tears which threw me for a loop considering I couldn't recall the last time my older brother shed a tear. "I should have told Kay. Or I should have pushed Riley more into doing it. I should have known this was going to backfire. I should have...I should have done something."

"You can 'should have, could have, would have' until your face turns blue, but it's not going to change anything," I spoke softly.

He ran his fingers through his hair haggardly. "I know," he murmured sullenly. "But what else can I do right now, Drew? All I have left is the 'should have, could have, would haves."

My heart broke for him because it was evident his heart was completely shattered. "You have me," I said lamely.

He didn't even look up. "How come you still have Dezzy and I can't still have Kay?" he whispered.

The words hit me hard. I had been expecting them at some point since I found out about their break up but they still made me feel overwhelmingly guilty. I know that none of this was my fault, and believe me when I say that Dezzy didn't speak to me for two weeks when she found out I had been lying to her, but it wasn't fair that she was still my wife and Lance didn't get to keep his fiancee. "I wish I knew, bro," I murmured defeatedly.

When he finally did look up at me, I saw such pain staring back at me. And understandably so. He wasn't exaggerating when he said she was the best thing that happened to him. Before she came along, he was a lost puppy stringing along a bunch of nobody girls because he didn't know better. She grounded him. She made him a better person. She made him who he was today. I didn't know what he was going to do without her.

"Can I go home now?" he pleaded.

There wasn't anything else I could say or do to make him feel any better about himself so I simply nodded. "I've got everything covered here," I said, stepping aside as I watched my brother drag his feet out of the storage room and out of the bookstore he had built from the ground up.

Something he never would have been able to do without the encouragement from Kay.

++LILY++

Saturday night. Dinner with Riley.

I had found myself outside Riley's apartment building a few times that week to cancel. How could I go behind my friends' backs to meet up with someone who betrayed us all? It would be just another act of betrayal except this time it would be coming from me.

And yet I never knocked on the door. I wanted to. I tried to. But all I could think about was how James broke my heart and all I wanted was someone to talk to who wouldn't have a look of pity in their eyes no matter how hard they tried to hide it. I wanted to reconnect with Riley as a way of remembering who I used to be.

Shane had been right when he said I wanted to hang around Riley because she hadn't been around to watch the person I had become with James. She knew me before I fell in love. And she hadn't been there to watch our relationship grow. So yeah, was I angry at Riley for the way she left us all behind? Absolutely. How could I not be? But I was even angrier at James.

I could barely hang out with Sirius without seeing James in every move he made. It was hard not wondering if Remus would tell James how I was doing every time we spent time together. Peter could barely look me in the eye when I was with him probably feeling guilty that he wasn't with James. I saw the look of pity in Kay's eyes when I was around her. Alice had told me she was on my side but she spent nearly all her time with James at work. I had Keegan who hadn't been around for four years, but she didn't know me as an individual, only a twosome with James. I was so grateful for Shane's company but even I could see how hard he was trying to get me to forget about James. So who did that really leave me with? I wanted so desperately to be able to move on, but it was hard doing that surrounded by the people who had always known me and James as a couple.

I stood outside the restaurant for a half hour before my fingers and ears turned numb enough for me to actually go inside. I saw Riley from across the room and still found myself apprehensive. I wanted to see her. I wanted to be able to go back to the way things used to be. I wanted to forgive and forget. But I also knew that if any of my other friends found out I was actually having dinner with Riley, I would be crucified.

I sighed as I headed towards the table Riley was sitting at. Maybe I would be crucified, but at this point, I just wanted to do something for me for once. So I ignored what could happen and focused on the present.

"Hi," I said, sliding into the chair opposite her.

She smiled. "I was afraid you might not make it."

I shrugged. "I almost didn't," I admitted.

"I know. I saw you standing outside for a long time."

I looked at her skeptically before breaking out in a reluctant grin. "Alright, you caught me," I chuckled. "I just feel a little weird about this."

"I know. Me too. I tried telling myself this wouldn't be awkward. But I think we both know it will be."

"I hear sharing a bottle of wine helps with that."

She laughed and gestured for the waiter.

We were nearly done with the bottle an hour later and I was surprised to find out I was actually having fun. She talked about Australia, I talked about working with the Ministry. She talked about her family, I talked about her family. We reminisced on our Hogwarts days and just enjoyed being around each other.

"So we've talked about the past," I spoke, slightly tipsy. "Let's talk about the present. What are you up to now?"

Hesitation flickered in her eyes as she met my gaze. "I work at the Daily Prophet."

My hand froze on my wine glass. "What?"

She nodded with a sigh.

I stared at her, confused and skeptical. "What name do you go under?"

"Gilbert Morley."

"Ah."

"I know your roommate is Keegan."

I sighed, gulping down the rest of the wine in my glass. "She's known all along you've been back?" I murmured. Awesome. Yet another betrayal.

"No," she was quick to argue. "Seems to me she didn't know I was that Riley until Christmas. I guess she didn't know my last name. Not sure how that was possible, but-"

"Well, we never talked about you."

She frowned, cringing guiltily. "Oh. Okay."

I cringed. "We couldn't talk about you, Riley," I said softly.

She met my gaze and slowly nodded. "I know," she whispered, pouring me another glass of wine. "I get it."

Silence fell over the table as we stared at each other. A long time had passed between Riley leaving and her coming back. I found myself hoping that it wasn't too much time. Because I Really did enjoy hanging out with her. Even after what she did and even after all these years. "Things are never not going to be awkward between us, are they," I murmured.

She met my gaze and shook her head. "I don't think so," she said softly. "But we could at least try, right?"

I nodded. "Here's to trying," I said, raising my glass.

She tapped it with her own, a relieved smile crossing her face.

"In the interest of trying to rid the awkwardness, what else is going on with you?" I asked.

She hesitated once again and I sighed. Merlin, how much did she have to hide? "I'm assuming if you didn't know about Keegan, you haven't spoken to Sirius since Wednesday, right?"

I slowly shook my head. "No. Why?"

She offered me a sheepish lopsided frown before raising her left hand up. "I'm engaged to Rhett Davies."

I froze. "What?" The one word probably came out harsher than intended.

She didn't say anything, letting me digest the news. Knowing the old Riley, I never would have thought she'd be engaged. And to Rhett Davies? I was completely taken aback. Maybe I didn't know the new Riley as much as I wished I did. "And Sirius knows about this?" I asked, putting two-and-two together.

She nodded.

"I'm assuming he handled that swimmingly."

She hesitated, shrugging. "He didn't really handle it at all. Keegan interrupted at that time."

I wasn't sure how Keegan was involved in this story, but I didn't really care. "Hm."

She remained mute, reaching for the bottle of wine and pouring the rest in her glass.

I watched her carefully, wondering how it was possible that the Queen of Anti-Commitment was now engaged. She ran from Sirius so many times because of her fear of love and yet, she disappears for four years and comes back a completely different person. I didn't know what to feel. Anger? Surprise? Frustration? Hatred? A combination of all four? How was it even remotely possible that she could be getting married when in the past, she had been so against even using the word love. How was it fair to any of us that she got to have the happy ending when the rest of us were falling apart at the seams. It seemed unreal.

Honestly, what seemed unreal was that she was engaged and I was single. I was supposed to be married to James while Riley was supposed to still be pining over her lost relationship with Sirius. When did things go so wrong?

"Riley, are you happy?"

She jerked her head up in surprise. She blinked as a smile crept on her face. "Yeah," she said softly. "I am."

I wanted to hate her for it. I wanted to tell her that she didn't get to be happy when all of the people she left behind were miserable and hurting because of it. But I couldn't. Because in a weird way, I was actually happy that she was happy. Considering everyone else in my life was in a state of depression, I was glad to see that at least someone knew how to be happy. Somebody should be.

Did I wish it was anyone other than Riley? Yeah. But I've learned that my wishes rarely came true.

"Are you?" Riley interrupted.

I froze, ignoring the ache in my heart. I didn't say anything immediately, rolling the base of the wine glass in my fingers as I realized she didn't know I wasn't with James anymore. "I wish I could say I was," I murmured, letting out a heavy sigh. "But unfortunately, I can't tell you the last time I was happy."

She blinked in surprise, slowly frowning. "Is everything alright?"

I bit down hesitantly on the inside of my lip, staring at the empty wine bottle as I attempted to gather my thoughts. "I think we need another bottle of wine."

Now she just looked downright scared. "Lily?"

I slowly lifted my gaze and met her concerned eyes, blurting out, "James and I broke up."

++RILEY++

I was certain my heart stopped. James and Lily broke up? I was shocked that they hadn't gotten married yet so you could imagine my surprise at this sudden announcement. "That can't be true," I choked out hoarsely, shaking my head.

"It is."

I glanced up at Lily who was avoiding eye contact with me. She looked so broken, so lost. Vulnerability flickered in her green eyes and her face flushed with disappointment. And I suddenly realized why she wanted to have dinner with me tonight. She wanted to forget everything that had recently happened to her and she couldn't do that with the people who knew her during her relationship. "Oh, Lily," I whispered, my bottom lip trembling. "I'm so sorry."

And I was. I may not have been there for her or for James for the past four years, but my heart was breaking for them. They had been so in love back at Hogwarts and made me believe in love. I knew how much the two of them had gone through over the years, but I always thought that they would be able to get through it all as long as the other was by their side during every minute of it. "What happened?" I asked softly.

She didn't respond immediately, her gaze once again falling away from mine. "He told me he didn't love me anymore."

I blinked. "Excuse me?" I snapped coolly.

"Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction," she whispered.

There was no way that possibly could be true. James Potter not loving Lily Evans was like the sky not being blue. He had fallen in love with her back when he didn't even know what love was, as an innocent, naïve eleven year old. And for six years, he picked on her and taunted her and poked fun at her because he didn't know how to admit he actually legitimately fancied her. And then he finally got the girl. He got the girl he wanted for six years. But he just let that go? How could he do that? "When?" I choked out.

"Our Anniversary."

"I'm hating him more and more."

She frowned. "I wish I could hate him," she whispered. "You have no idea how much I want to hate him. I just…it's hard letting go of what we had."

"Believe me, I know," I murmured, thoughts of Sirius suddenly filling my mind. You may not believe me (and why should you?), but after I left Sirius and my friends behind, I cried for weeks. I had known that I would never be able to take back what I did and while I will never know if I made the right decision, I had made the only decision I thought I could in that given moment. So for that, I could never regret it. But I would always hate it. Because I knew how much I had hurt my friends. Most of all, I knew how much I had hurt Sirius. He didn't deserve that. Not from the girl he loved. And not from the girl who loved him.

"Can I ask you something?" I asked hesitantly.

She nodded.

"Do you still love him?"

Alarm flashed across her green eyes. She didn't respond immediately, a slow frown creeping into her expression. I suddenly realized that no one else had asked her that since the break up.

Finally, she spoke, her voice on the verge of breaking down. "I've loved him for four years, Riley," she whispered. "I don't know how not to love him."

I could have sworn I saw a glimmer of tears in her eyes but when I took a closer look, she blinked and suddenly they were gone.

"But I'm not in love with him anymore," she murmured, shrugging feebly. "I can't be in love with someone who…who treats me the way he did."

I didn't say anything. I didn't have anything to say. It was obvious Lily was hurting, and why shouldn't she be after being told that James wasn't in love with her, and I unfortunately didn't have any words of wisdom or comfort. Heartbreak was heartbreak. Believe me, I would know.

Only difference was, I was the one who had done the heart breaking.

"Riley?"

I zoned out of my own selfish thoughts. "Yeah?"

"Was it easier getting over Sirius being ten thousand miles away?"

My mouth dropped open instinctively at the blunt question. I had to compose myself after being blindsided, blinking the shock away. "Er…where the hell did that come from?"

She shrugged, looking seemingly unperturbed by my surprise. "It's just…" she sighed, chewing awkwardly on her bottom lip. "I'm finding it impossible getting over him considering…"

"You're reminded of him everywhere you go?" I finished knowingly.

She nodded.

I slowly frowned, pondering her question carefully. "Was it easier getting over him being in Australia?" I murmured slowly. I shrugged. "Yeah. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't. But please know that getting over him was in no way easy."

She sighed. "Yeah. That's what I'm afraid of."

"Lily-"

"Why'd you leave?" she blurted out. "Why'd you turn your back on all of us? On Sirius? Why'd you do it?"

I let out a deep sigh, turning away from her gaze. Those were questions I still asked myself. Questions I still barely had answers to. I made the choice to walk away from all of them in a split second. A split second where my body and mind were both filled with overwhelming panic and fear. If I had time to be rational and I had time to listen to my heart over my head, I can't be certain I would have made the same decision. Slowly, I lifted my gaze to meet her desperate eyes. Now I definitely recognized tears in her eyelids. This time, she didn't bother trying to blink them away. "Do you really want to know?"

She frowned, slowly shaking her head. "No," she murmured. "Because you answering the why won't change the fact that you did it."

And that was the problem. I did what I thought I had to do but four years later, that didn't matter. It would never matter. All that mattered was that I walked away from my friends and they would never be able to forgive me for that.

Because the truth was I didn't forgive myself for what I did so how could I expect them to?

++JAMES++

Sunday night rolled around and I was the only one in Potter Manor. Remus had taken Kay out to dinner to attempt to cheer her up and get her out of her funk. I didn't think it would work but I couldn't blame Remus for trying.

I thought it would be weird having Kay stay there because of Lily but I was actually finding it rather comforting. In a way, if I couldn't have Lily there by my side, having her best friend made me feel like a piece of Lily was still there. My only fear was that inviting Kay to stay at Potter Manor was just putting a target on her back. But that was always going to be a fear of mine for everyone in my life.

I heard the distant sound of the doorbell from the study and reluctantly got up to answer the door. When I got there, I wished I hadn't.

"James," Lance said softly.

"You have some nerve showing up here," I growled, noting his disheveled appearance and the bags under his eyes. He looked like a hot mess. But he deserved to look like a hot mess.

He hung his head shamefully. "I just…I need to talk to her," he croaked out. "I miss her. So much. Please, James. I-I need her."

"You really should have thought of that before keeping a huge secret behind her back for ten months."

"Look, I know you're angry, James, and you have every right to be, but-"

"There is no but. You're damned straight I'm angry, Lance! I'm already livid that the girl who I once called my best friend just walked away from an eighteen-year-old friendship. I'm already livid that the girl came back at all. And I'm even more livid to learn that the girl came back and didn't tell any of us. But to find out that my friends and my sister knew all along? There's no word to describe how that makes me feel, Lance," I choked out, my bottom lip trembling with a mixture of rage and agony. "Riley may have betrayed me by leaving, but what you did was much worse. Because you knew how much her betrayal hurt me and you didn't even begin to think how all of this would pan out when you promised her you would keep quiet. I don't care if she's your sister, Lance. You should have had more loyalty to me and to Kay and to all of us than to her. I may not be your actual brother but we grew up together. I've known you just as long as you've known Riley and hell, at least I've been around the past four years. Did you really not think about how all of this would affect everyone? I thought you knew me better than that, Lance. I really did."

I wanted to slam the door in this face. And I would have if I didn't notice the glistening of tears blurring across his blue eyes. "I made a mistake, James," he whispered hoarsely, shaking his head slowly. "You're right. I let my loyalties lie with someone who didn't extend that same courtesy to me. For the past few days, I've wondered if I would have done things differently if given the chance. But James, what about you?"

I blinked. "What about me?"

"You're in the same boat that I am. You betrayed someone you loved. And you should know that yelling at me is not going to change what happened."

I opened my mouth to argue until I realized he was right.

I could sense that the tension was slowly dissipating as he opened his mouth to continue. "I blame myself for what happened 100%. This wasn't Riley, this was me. So I can't expect everyone else not to blame me when I blame myself. But I'd hope out of anyone, you'd be able to understand what I'm feeling right now."

I did. I did the betraying and I got the brunt of it from everyone. Kay yelled at me, Sirius scolded me, Remus tried to break me down, Peter questioned it, but the one person who never judged me or berated me was Lance. It's why I said what I did next. "Don't hate yourself," I whispered, shaking my head. "It will just make you feel worse."

I saw the surprise in his eyes when he realized I was reaching out to him. "I'm not so sure that's possible."

I shook my head knowingly. "You'll soon find out it is."

He frowned, his shoulders sagging in defeat. "Please know, James," he murmured, "that I was just doing what I thought I had to do at that time. I never meant to hurt anyone. Never."

He looked so desperate I knew that I believed him. Mostly because I had said those very words aloud so many times. "I know," I murmured in agreement. "It doesn't change the fact that you did, though."

"I know," he said softly.

I wanted to be angry with Lance, and a part of me still was, but it was really Riley that I was angry with the most. Lance only betrayed Kay because he was protecting Riley. Protection. It got all of us into trouble. I sighed as I leaned up against the doorframe. "Look, Lance, Kay isn't here right now," I spoke reluctantly, "But give her time. She will come around. It may not be tomorrow or next week or even next month. But one day, she'll come around. I promise you that."

"He shouldn't hold his breath."

Lance whirled around at the sound of his ex-fiancée's voice and I peeked over his shoulder with a cringe. Kay and Remus were both standing there, the former looking angry and the latter looking surprised.

"Go home, Lance," Kay snapped. "I don't want anything to do with you. Not today, not tomorrow, not next week, not next month, not ever." She slid past him, shooting a frustrated glare my way.

"Kay, don't," he pleaded. "Please talk to me."

She turned on her heels to glare at him. "I already said everything I needed to say to you," she spat out in a hurt whisper, her voice trembling. "Please, Lance, just go." Her eyes were filled with desperation as she headed in through the front door.

"I love you, Kay," he spoke softly.

She froze in the doorway, turning around to look him in the eye. "You love your sister more apparently," she growled. This time, she didn't let him get in another word edgewise. She disappeared into the house immediately, rushing out of all of our sights.

I saw the broken heart displayed evidently on Lance's face. I met Remus' gaze, who looked rather hesitant. None of us spoke, not sure what there was even to say at that moment.

"I shouldn't have come here," Lance eventually murmured. "I just…I was going crazy without her."

"What did you really expect, Lance?" Remus sighed, frustration hinted in his tone. "She trusted you with her life and you hurt her in numerous ways. I'm not so sure that Kay will come around, even if James thinks so."

I frowned. Sounds to me like Remus and Kay had discussed this exact subject at dinner.

"I don't expect her to," Lance admitted in a small voice. "I wouldn't forgive me if I were her."

"Then why are you even here right now?" he dared to ask.

Lance hesitated, his lips forming a tight skeptical line. "She has to know that if I could take it back, I would. I would choose her over Riley any day. She has to know that."

"But you didn't."

Lance cringed, turning his gaze away from Remus' stony eyes. "I wish I could take it back."

"But you can't. You made your decision and you just have to live with that. And you apologizing isn't going to change any of that. It's over, Lance. Get that through your head."

Ouch. Not that I didn't agree. But it still sounded harsh. Clearly, Lance agreed with me as surprise flickered in his eyes. "You don't forgive me either, do you."

Remus sighed. "It's not my forgiveness you want."

Lance frowned, nodding knowingly. "Well, for what it's worth, I am sorry."

Remus met my gaze and both of us let out a reluctant sigh, neither really sure what to say to that. Eventually, Remus' turned his gaze back on Lance. "Yeah," he murmured. "We know you are..."

Lance finished his sentence for him. "But that doesn't change anything," he admitted.

Slowly, Remus shook his head. "No," he sighed. "I'm sorry, Lance, but no, it doesn't."

++RILEY++

I was beginning to really hate the sound of knocking. Especially since I could guarantee that 90% of the time it was someone who didn't really want to see me. This time was no different. As I glanced out of the peephole, I saw an irate-looking James standing there.

I sighed and reluctantly opened the door. "Yes?"

James glared at me. "That's how you answer the door? 'Yes?' No hello? Or hi? I'd even take a 'hey.' Or how about 'how are you doing?' or even 'what's up?'"

I glared at him. "Did you just come here to criticize my greeting techniques or did you actually want something?"

"I want you to go back to Australia," he blurted out.

I was taken aback by his bluntness. "Excuse me?"

"You are screwing everything up here, Riley," he scowled. "It has been four years and we've managed to move on and forget about how you nearly destroyed our group. And then one day you have the audacity to show your face back here as if nothing has changed. And what's worse is that you thought you could hide the fact that you moved back here from all of us! Now everyone is at each other's throats. Lance and Kay broke up, we're all a bit pissed at Lance, Drew, and Dezzy, Drew is yelling at me, Remus and Kay are…well, that's not important. You ruined everything!" His voice was on the verge of hysterical. "Go back to Australia, Riley. I mean it."

He whirled around, ready to leave without another word, but my anger kicked in. "You don't think I know that everything has changed?!" I called out after him. "You don't think I realize that I nearly destroyed all of you? You don't' think I realize that hiding my return to London from you was a mistake? You don't think I've thought of all of you every day for the past four years!?" My eyes were blazing with apologetic guilt. It already hurt me knowing how much I hurt them. I had known the moment I left that I had hurt them. I didn't need them constantly reminding me of it. I know what I did and I couldn't change it. And this wasn't my ideal way of them all finding out but it was out in the open. I couldn't go back now. We could only move forward. Apparently I was the only person who wanted to do that. "Don't you dare stand at my door and berate me because believe me, whatever you have to say to me, I've thought of much worse for the past four years! And you think I wanted to stir the pot amongst all of you!? That was never my intention. I never would have asked my brothers to keep my return a secret if I knew how much you would all feel betrayed over it! I-I just didn't know what else to do!" I didn't even realize that tears were slipping slowly down my face until James' outline became blurred. I wiped them away quickly, swallowing hard.

"Didn't know what else to do?" James snarled, his eyes blazing with fury. "YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD US!"

"I KNOW! I JUST DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO!"

"Clearly you don't know a lot," he drawled. "Seriously, Riley, go back to Australia. You've destroyed all of us in the matter of seconds. Can't you see that!?"

I frowned, skepticism gleaming in my eye. "Do you really think my presence has been the only reason your life is being destroyed, James? Look in the bloody mirror! I wasn't the one who looked the love of my life in the eyes unable to say I love you to her and watch her feel that horrible feeling of absolute rejection! I'm not the only one who's a screw-up around here!"

The look in James' eyes told me he was taken aback by my outburst. He was speechless and I couldn't tell if it was because he was surprised I knew about that or if it was because he was surprised that I had finally spoken up for myself. "And what the hell do you know about that?" he growled, his eyes narrowing out of spite.

"I know you're an idiot," I snorted.

He pursed his lips as if he were going to retort, but remained silent. I sighed, running my fingers through my hair anxiously as his muteness made me feel slightly uncomfortable. He cleared his throat and I glanced up at him curiously. "I already know that, Riley," he said, his voice oddly desperate.

I blinked. "What?"

"Please," he murmured with a curt shrug. "Just go back to Australia."

I sighed. "Look, James, I'm sorry. I have no right to judge you considering I don't know the whole story." I hesitated. "Just like you have no right to judge me considering you don't know the whole story, either."

His eyes narrowed curiously as he crossed his arms defensively. "Alright then. What's the whole story, Riley?"

I walked right into that one. "You first."

He smirked, shaking his head. "Nice try."

I went to laugh but found myself stopping short, frowning instead.

"What?" he asked, noticing my reaction.

I shook my head, trying to shrug it off. Four years earlier, I would have known what was wrong with him even before James told me and vice versa. We would have shared our fears and insecurities with each other in a heartbeat. Now, I barely even knew the guy standing in front of me. I hated myself for taking that away. "I hope you know how much I missed you," I blurted out.

He froze, staring at me in surprise. There was a flicker of remorse in his eyes that quickly passed into frustration. "Yeah, well whose fault is that?" he snorted.

I frowned. "I never said I didn't blame myself," I said softly. "I do. For everything. But that doesn't mean I never missed it. Because I did. Every day."

"Then why'd you leave, Riley?" he asked in a hoarse whisper.

I cringed at the question I had now been asked twice. Twice asked but it was going to be twice I couldn't give an answer.

James sighed when I remained silent. "Everything was…was perfect up until you left. We were all happy. We all knew what to expect and we had…we had plans. You screwed it all up. You changed the plan. And suddenly, none of us were happy and none of us had any clue what to expect. How could you do that to us? How could you just turn our lives upside down?"

"I-I thought it was for the best," I said hollowly.

"You thought abandoning us was for the best?" he snapped, his voice filling with rage. "How could you be so selfish, Riley?"

To that, I didn't really have anything to say. Because while I told myself for the past four years that what I had done was for completely selfless reasons, that what I had done was all for Sirius, in the end, I knew it was all just a lie. I had been selfish. I just didn't know how to admit that to the people who hated me already. "I-I don't know," I whispered.

"You don't know?" he growled, his eyes growing with disappointment. "You know what you did know, Riley? You knew how much it hurt watching Wyatt walk out on me and my family. You knew how much it killed me hearing that my father abandoned us. You watched my heart break when they both left. And then you did the same goddamned thing. How could you just walk away from me? After all that we have ever been through, after you had to watch me lose people I truly cared about, after you knew how much I thought abandonment had unfortunately become second nature in my life, I never once thought that you'd be the person to disappoint me the most. You were there when Wyatt left. You were there when my father left. I never thought you wouldn't be there. I never thought you'd leave. How could you do that, Riley? How could you?"

His words cut through my heart like a knife, my breath hitching guiltily. He looked so heartbroken and I had done that. He had been my best friend for eighteen years and when I made the decision to leave the way I had, it had been Sirius I had been thinking of. I knew I would hurt my other friends in the meantime, but I selfishly never let myself think too much about it. And this was why. He had every right to be angry at me. But it was the remorse in his words that realized how much I had let him down.

I felt tears welling up in my eyes, but I quickly blinked them away. I didn't deserve his friendship. I didn't deserve any of their friendships. I left without saying good-bye and that's unforgivable. I wish I had a proper defense, but I didn't. I wish I could tell him that I'd take it all back, but I couldn't. I wish I could have said good-bye to James, but I hadn't. I just left. Just like his brother did. Just like his father did. He was right. I had watched him practically fall apart when Wyatt left and I watched the defeat settle into his heart when he found out his father had left, and I turned around and did the same thing to him. If I were him, I'd never forgive me.

"I'm so sorry, James," I whispered.

He frowned. "Are you?"

I hung my head in pure shame. "I just…I-I panicked," I whispered simply. Because that was the truth.

His mouth formed a thin line. Probably because he had expected more than that. "From what?"

A single tear slid down my cheek but I made no movement to swipe it away. "From everything," I spoke softly, daring to look up at James.

He frowned, his glare only briefly subsiding as he spoke his next words. "From Sirius," he said matter-of-factly.

I, too, frowned. "From Sirius," I whispered in assent.

He swallowed hard. "He wasn't the only one you left behind though."

I blinked the tears away, turning away from his gaze. If I let the tears fall then I may never have stopped. "I know," I said as if that made it better.

Silence fell between us, both of us living in a whirlwind of our own thoughts. I didn't know what he was thinking but I was just thinking how much I had missed him. And how much I shouldn't be allowed to miss him after the way I left.

"Please, Riley, just do us all a favor and go back to Australia," James whispered, breaking me from my thoughts.

I frowned. "I won't do that," I said with a sigh.

He matched my frown, his eyes narrowing slightly as he stared at me with intense scrutiny. I don't know how much time passed and I only wished I knew what he was thinking, but finally he turned away from me. "I can't make you," he grunted, his voice filled with remorse. "But I guarantee you'll probably regret it."

I had no clue what to make of that but before I could even ask, he was whirling around and rushing down the hallway. I saw him hesitate at the elevator before slowly turning back to face me. Our eyes locked as the elevator dinged and opened. "And Riley?" he said, taking a wary step into the elevator as his eyes didn't waver from mine.

"Yeah?"

He sighed. "I hope you know how much I missed you, too."

My mouth dropped open in surprise but before I could even comment, the elevator closed behind James and he was gone.

++JAMES++

After the past couple of days, I felt like I needed to check in with Keegan about the tell-all exposé on the Potters. Everything was falling apart around me but maybe Keegan could help put the pieces back together on a portion of my life. A guy could hope, couldn't he?

The two of us hadn't had a lot of time to sit down and discuss in further detail where the exposé was headed. I know she was still sifting through my father's old case files and still talking to family and friends. I was curious to know if she had any new information since the last time we talked nearly two months earlier. At this point, I just wanted to focus on something that wasn't Riley.

As I knocked on the door to the apartment she shared with Lily, I knew a small part of me was actually hoping to see Lily. A small part.

Alright, a large part. After she came to my door, I couldn't get her out of my head. I couldn't understand why she had come to see me. I knew she felt compelled for me to find out about Dezzy, but there were other ways she could have gone about it. The fact that she deliberately sought me out at my own house meant something. Right? I sighed. I had a feeling I was just desperate to believe that she still loved me. Because hell, I most definitely still loved her.

I knew that staying away from her was the best possible thing for her. But I had had her in my life for four years. Actually I had her in my life for ten and a half years. It was hard letting go of someone that was so clearly the best thing that ever happened to me.

My heart fluttered when Lily opened the door.

She froze. "What…what are you doing here?"

I cleared my throat awkwardly. "I just…well, I…uh…I just…I…just…"

"Yes, I got that part," she spoke coolly, a glare evident in her expression. "Care to be a bit more articulate?"

I frowned, realizing suddenly I should have just waited until Monday to meet Keegan at work. "Is Keegan here?"

Her eyes narrowed curiously. "You're really here to see Keegan?" she smirked, knowing me all too well.

"Yes," I said, trying to keep my voice from trembling.

She sighed. "She's not here."

I nodded dismissively. "Is she at Sirius'?"

She blinked, caution flitting in her green eyes. "Why would she be at Sirius'?"

I cringed. "No reason," I muttered, shrugging. "I just figured I'd ask since I'm here."

"No, that's not why you asked," she snapped. "What are you hiding?"

"Nothing."

"Liar," she hissed. "Then again, that's all you're really good at, is it not?"

"What? I never lied to you," I argued, shaking my head. Except when I told you I didn't love you.

"Yeah, you did," she whispered hoarsely, frowning. "You lied the moment you stopped loving me and neglected to tell me. You lied by leading me on. You lied every time you said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me. You lied when you spent Christmas Eve at Blarney's instead of with me and your family. And now you're lying to me about Keegan and Sirius."

My mouth slowly hung open in pure guilt. She wasn't just angry or hurt. She clearly felt betrayed and her every word told me that she hated me. And I didn't blame her. "Lily," I whispered hoarsely, trying to find anything to make her feel better.

She cut me off. "And you know the worst part, Potter?" she spat out in a hurt whisper.

I had a feeling I didn't want to know.

"You never once apologized for any of it."

I hesitated, knowing there was a strong truth behind it. Because I couldn't apologize. To apologize meant I was actually sorry for doing what I did. And in the end, I did it all to protect her. And for that, I could never be sorry. The only thing I was sorry for was how much I had hurt Lily.

"Why did you stop loving me?"

I froze, lifting my eyes to meet hers.

"What did I do?" she asked desperately, the heartbreak evident in her every word.

I wanted to scoop her up in my arms and tell her I still loved her immensely. I wanted to kiss her and hold her and never let her go. I wanted to go on with the way our lives had been before I found out Voldemort was targeting me and the people I loved. But I couldn't do that without knowing I was sealing her fate. "Lily," I whispered, letting the one word do all the talking.

She looked at me, her eyes narrowing curiously. "You can't give me an answer, can you?"

Panic filled my heart. "What is that answer going to really do, Lily?"

"How about give me clarity?" she snapped. "You blindsided me, James. It was our bloody Anniversary and you gave me a great gift of telling me you didn't love me. And I still haven't a clue why."

Yeah and if I have my way, she'll never know. "Everything is falling apart around me," I muttered, shaking my head incredulously. "I'm….I'm just losing control. I can barely keep my own head above water, Lily. You deserve better."

She frowned. "So you fell out of love with me because you couldn't handle anything in your life?"

No, I didn't fall out of love. I merely told you I had because I couldn't handle anything in my life. I couldn't tell her that. So I opened my mouth to respond with anything else, but found that the words wouldn't come. I couldn't lie to her but I couldn't tell her the truth.

"I know that your life isn't ideal," Lily continued in a hoarse whisper. "I know you've had to deal with a lot in such a short time. But no one's life is perfect, James. I lost my parents at a young age and then my sister abandoned me and I never thought I'd get over it. Until you came along. At some point over the past four years, you became my family. You were my everything. And I thought I was yours. It doesn't matter how difficult your life is, I was supposed to be the one you turned to. Only you never gave me that chance."

Her words broke my heart. She was right with everything she spoke. I couldn't allow her to know how right she was, but I just wish I could tell her how much I knew I had let her down. "Lily, please know that I'm sorry I hurt you," I whispered sincerely.

She blinked. "But not sorry that you did it."

No. "I'm sorry I did it in the way I did," I admitted.

She cringed at the reminder. "All this time, I thought I needed to know why. I thought I needed clarity and closure. But it doesn't even matter anymore. What matters is that you lost faith in us a long time ago and there was no coming back from that. You stopped trusting me to be there for you and I stopped trusting you to believe in us. You gave up on us, James. And that's not on me. That's on you."

I couldn't respond. Because she was right. She was absolutely right. I gave up on us. Maybe not in the way she thought, but I had to. I had to give up on us to give both of us a chance to live. And that wasn't on me. That was on Voldemort. "I know," was all I said.

She frowned, clearly not pleased with that response. But she didn't harp on it. "Please go," she whispered.

It was the last thing I wanted to do, but I merely nodded. "I am sorry, Lily," I spoke softly.

Her eyes narrowed as she slowly nodded. "I know you are," she murmured. "And that's what really kills me. Because I can see how sorry you are and yet you did it anyway."

Well, that could have gone better.

I couldn't tell you how long I stood there staring at her door, wishing I could open it up and tell her everything. Tell her I never stopped loving her. Tell her I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. Tell her I was planning on asking her to marry me on our Anniversary. To tell her that I was so scared of what might happen to her in this war that I did the only thing I could think of and push her away. To tell her I never meant to hurt her.

No, the only person that was supposed to get hurt was me.

++LILY++

I wasn't over him. I wanted to be but I wasn't. And how could I be when he was everywhere around me? I don't know why I had thought it would be a good idea to go over to his place on Thursday night but I did it anyway. Maybe a part of me needed to see him. Maybe I had needed to know that I didn't need him at all. But I left not knowing that. I just left even more confused and heartbroken than I was before.

I hadn't wanted to believe it was over but it was. I wanted to believe it was because I had two conversations with James that just ended with frustration and ambiguity but I knew it was actually because of Riley. She returned and put things into perspective, making me realize that I needed to discover what was important. And while once upon a time the answer to that had been James, now the answer had to by myself.

Now if I only I actually could believe that.

++KEEGAN++

I had spent the afternoon in the office reading over more of Wyatt's old letters. I had been weirdly drawn to them. As the years in the letters progressed, the letters became longer and more intimate. I almost felt wrong about reading the details of their shared lifestyle together. It all came from Wyatt because obviously Sydny could never write back to him, but it didn't feel like a one-sided conversation. Most of the letters were filled with Voldemort's murder and kidnapping plots, but every so often it was just a letter. No mention of Voldemort as if it was just two friends catching up.

Wandering back into our apartment, I could smell something delicious coming from the kitchen. The best part of Lily being my roommate again was her knack for cooking. "Hey there," I greeted, walking into the kitchen.

She didn't respond immediately, stirring some sauce on the stove. "Hey," eventually she spoke. "Where have you been?" she asked.

"Oh, I was-"

"No, wait, let me guess," she spoke, her voice strangely cool as she placed the spoon down on the counter and turned around to face me, a rigid look in her eye. "You were either hanging out with your BFF coworker Riley or at Sirius' apartment fucking his brains out."

I froze, my bewildered eyes meeting her cold ones. "Lily, I-"

"It's like the only thing any of us are any good at around here is keeping secrets."

I wish I had anything to rebut with but she was right. So I didn't say anything.

She sighed, meeting my gaze. "I'm not mad, Keegan," she muttered with a sigh, leaning up against the counter. "I should be, but I'm not. I'm just…"

She didn't respond and I didn't say anything. She was clearly running through numerous thoughts in her mind and I let her.

Eventually, she cleared her throat and spoke. "I'm just tired of feeling betrayed by the people I care about most," she muttered.

"Oh, Lily, please don't-"

"But I'm starting to realize that that's inevitable," she continued hastily, shrugging curtly before whirling back around to face the stove. "So I guess I better just start getting used to it."

I was out of my chair immediately, walking over to her. "Lily, please don't think like that," I pleaded. "I didn't know how to tell you about Riley. I wanted to so many times. But…but I just felt like it wasn't my place. I didn't know her when she was your friend and I-I just didn't know to be the one to turn everything upside down."

She nodded hesitantly. "I get that," she muttered.

That was a good sign so I continued. "And Sirius and I are nothing. Nothing. We…we fooled around for a while, but it's so over."

She glanced up from the sauce pan. "Why?"

I blinked. "Er…why what?"

"Why is it over?"

I frowned. "That's what you want to know?"

A smirk rested on her face as she met my gaze. "Well," she said slowly, clearing her throat. "I know why you didn't tell me or anyone about Riley. I get it. You didn't know her. It absolutely wasn't your place to tell us. It was hers. And while the idea of you sleeping with Sirius makes me want to erase my memory for life to get rid of that potential image, I am sadly not surprised that you two were brought together seeing as you are virtually the same people with a very similar unfortunate past. So that just leaves me with one question. Why did you two end it?"

She was taking all of this news surprisingly well. She seemed weirdly detached and yet amused actually. "Er…this conversation took a rather strange turn."

"You're avoiding the question."

"C'mon, Lily," I snorted. "Did you really expect the fling between myself and Sirius to last? That's just laughable."

"I never said I expected it to last. I'm merely asking why it ended."

"Shouldn't you first be asking me why it started?"

She turned to face me, a knowing twinkle in her eye. "I can tell by your active desire to avoid the question that you don't really have an answer."

"I have an answer," I muttered. "It's because the git asked me out."

She blinked. "You were sleeping together. Was a date so terribly unimaginable?"

"Yes," I snapped. "Considering we laid out some ground rules from the beginning—and let me tell you, dating was not a part of it—I had every right to end it."

She shrugged. "Okay."

She sounded quite unconvinced. "You're not seriously advocating for me and Sirius being together, are you?"

She hesitated. She actually hesitated.

"Lily!" I cried out in shock.

She laughed, clearly amused by my disbelief. "What? I'm sorry, Keegan, but you and Sirius have both always been broody and…and a bit mentally detached. So honestly, I think you two crazy kids joining forces might actually be in your favor. Maybe it will get you both to open up a little."

Little did she know, we've already opened up to each other more than we ever thought we would. "Great, if you think he needs to stop being broody and mentally detached, then by all means, you sleep with him."

I swear I saw a flicker of panic in her eye before she rolled her eyes. "Ew, that thought thoroughly repulses me to the point where I think I should boil my eyes off right now but thank you for that mental image."

I, too, rolled my eyes, turning away from her and heading into the refrigerator to grab a beer. "Lily, he only asked me out because Riley returned," I muttered.

She glanced at me curiously, gesturing for me to grab her a beer. I obliged. "So?"

"I'm not going to be her replacement!"

"Oh dear Merlin," she said, turning the burner off as she checked on the pasta. "Is that what you're seriously worried about? That he wants to turn whatever you and Sirius have into what he had with Riley?"

"What? No! I'm just…I don't…he just took it farther I wanted him to! I don't want to date him. Hell, I barely want to talk to him. I just-"

"Yet, you'll sleep with him."

"The guy's a good lay. What can I say?" I drawled, rolling my eyes.

She shuddered. "Yet another mental image I'm going to deem revolting."

I laughed. "Can we please just change the subject? I don't want to talk about Sirius anymore."

She frowned but slowly nodded. "Yeah, that's fine, but let me tell you one thing, Keegan," she sighed, turning around to face me with a look filled with determination. "At some point, you will have to face what your life has turned out to be. You can't always run and hide from your feelings. And maybe seeing Riley made Sirius realize all of this himself. Maybe that's why he asked you out. Maybe he's done running and maybe he's done hiding. Maybe he's finally admitting what he wants. And maybe that's you."

I glared at her. "Don't say that," I muttered, taking a long swig of my beer. "There's no maybe about it. It doesn't matter what feelings I have or he has. Because I guarantee whatever feelings they are they have nothing to do with the two of us together. You got that?"

"Keegan, I'm just-"

"Please, just stop," I snapped, shaking my head defensively as I strode towards the entrance. "I'm heading to my room. I have articles that won't write themselves."

"Keegan, wait," she cried after me.

I ignored her, striding through the living room towards my bedroom. I wouldn't let Sirius speculate about the two of us so I was hardly going to let Lily do the same. She didn't even know about us up until today. What insight could she possibly have in the twisted fling that Sirius and I fell into? We started sleeping together only because we needed an outlet for the stress and heartbreak we had shared with each other. And hell, it worked. But that was all it was: an outlet. Nothing more. I wasn't going to be fooled by the endeavoring persuasion of Sirius or Lily. They were just trying to turn something small into something a hell of lot bigger. And I wasn't going to fall for it.

As I traipsed into my bedroom, I couldn't help but realize that while I had attempted to convince Sirius and Lily that they were both wrong, in the end I was really just trying to convince myself.

++RILEY++

An hour after James walked away, there was another knock on my door. I was tempted not to answer it. Considering every single time there was someone at my door over the past five days, it didn't end well, I wanted to ignore it. But I knew I wouldn't.

I sighed when I saw James standing there. "What, come back to yell at me some more?"

He hung his head shamefully and slowly shook it. "My...my entire world is falling apart around me, Riles, and...and I can't seem to do a damn thing about it."

I quirked an eyebrow. It had been a long time since he used my nickname. "So…you're not here to yell at me?"

He shook his head slowly, his eyes shutting tightly and I could tell that something serious was bothering him. And for the first time since I had been reunited with him, I took in his entire appearance. I couldn't describe him in any other way besides a complete and utter mess. There were bags under his eyes I was convinced were a year old. He had lost a lot of weight, his cheeks looking rather hollowed out as his clothes hung loosely on his lanky body. He looked quite pale and his body was hunched over in pure exhaustion. He looked so miserable and tormented that all I wanted to do was reach out and embrace him to let him know everything was going to be okay.

I didn't do that, however. I stood still waiting for him to continue.

Slowly, his eyes fluttered open and he met my gaze. Heavy fear rested in his dull hazel eyes. "Do you know that...that it's easier blaming you for everything that's been destroyed in my life than admit that I have absolutely no one else to blame but myself?" he said, his voice weighted down with agony and sorrow. He ran his fingers through his hair with a heavy sigh. "Do you know that…that it's easier hating you than it is hating myself?"

I was completely taken aback. "What are you talking about?"

I have only seen James cry twice in his entire life. Even as a kid, he was tough and rarely showed any sign of weakness. So I was completely shocked when I saw tears welling up in his eyes as his bottom lip began to waver.

He quickly turned his head, blinking them away, but there was no doubt in my mind that I had seen them. "I know that I've done nothing but berate you and insult you since you've been back, Riles, but I-I just don't know what to think about you being back," he murmured, his gaze fixed on the potted plant outside my door. "Because as much as I claim I didn't, I missed you. So much. It killed me that you left because you were always the person who knew me better than I knew myself. I needed that. Hell, I still need that. But…but it was probably for the best that you left."

"What? What are you talking about?" I said urgently. I was getting increasingly worried. I had never seen him look so disheveled.

He slowly lifted his eyes to meet mine. He didn't offer a response immediately, just looking at me with those brooding eyes of his. He blinked a few times, clearly trying to render something that wasn't complete agony. His frown stretched downward, his jawline stiffening. I waited for him to say something.

"You know what's really depressing?" he eventually muttered, avoiding my questions once again. "Besides my mother, you're the person I've known the longest in my life." He swallowed hard. "Everyone else is dead."

He's right. That is depressing. "Oh, James, I-"

He cut me off. "You know everything about me, Riles," James murmured, shaking his head incredulously. "You understand me better than anyone. You...you know what it's like living in an Auror family. You know what it's like wondering if the reason that your parent isn't home is because they're working late like usual or if they were killed during battle. You know what it feels like to have your parent pulled away on a mission and you don't get to see them for days, wondering where they are and if they're okay. You know what it's like being proud of your brother for getting accepted into the Auror recruitment program but scared out of your mind at the same time. You know what it's like to constantly wonder if your family is going to be involved in Voldemort's next killing spree. You know what it's like to…to lose someone you love."

"James, you're kinda scaring me," I said, my voice shaky with extreme concern.

"Brite's dead. JT's dead. Wyatt's dead. My father's dead. Caleb is dead. Drew and Dezzy were kidnapped. Lily was attacked. Potter Manor was attacked and Benji Fenwick died because of it. Do you know what all of these...occurrences have in common?" I didn't have time to speculate. "They have me in common, Riles."

I was beginning to put the pieces together. "Don't tell me you're actually blaming yourself for all of these tragedies," I said slowly, my eyes narrowing curiously.

"I am," James moaned. "I guarantee that I am the reason that everyone around me is in mortal danger."

His voice sounded so confident I almost didn't want to argue. "You guarantee it?" I asked slowly.

He hesitated. "You really should go back to Australia," he murmured. "Not because I want you to leave, but because...staying here in London is pretty much putting you in mortal danger."

My heart was beating wildly out of my chest. "Well, you've surpassed 'scaring me' and landed in 'frightening me out of my bloody mind,'" I murmured. "James, what are you talking about?"

"Look, I have no idea if it's better for me to pretend that everything is okay and go on living my life or...or if it's better for me to try and protect those that I love."

"James, you can't protect everyone," I urged.

"Maybe not," he whispered, his voice strained and trembling. Slowly, he shrugged as if he was trying to convince himself of his upcoming words. "But I'm going to do all I can to try. I…I can't just watch the people I love die by the hands of Voldemort if there's something I can do about it. I-I have to protect her—them if I can. I-I just have to."

Something in his voice stirred a sense of foreboding within me and when I glanced up at him, I saw guilty hesitation in his gaze. Suddenly, I found myself gasping. "Please do not tell me that you broke Lily's heart as your backwards way of trying to protect her."

He winced and looked away.

I smacked him on the shoulder. "What the hell is the matter with you, James Potter!?"

"I-I had to do it," he whispered.

"What? Why? That's crazy!"

He hung his head shamefully. "You don't understand, Riley," he whispered.

His voice was so stern and his gaze was filled with agony that instead of anger building up inside of me I just felt pity. I sighed. "You're right, I don't. Care to explain it to me?"

"You wouldn't understand even if I tried," he murmured. "No one understands. How could you possibly understand unless you're...you're the one standing in my shoes?"

He was right. I had absolutely no idea what he was going through, partly because I haven't even been around for the past four years. "James," I said quietly, my heart aching, "No one can deny the fact that...that you've been dealt a pretty crappy hand. But don't you think that means that you could use a bit of a support system? You deserve to keep around those you love and those who love you. You shouldn't be so determined to live your life alone."

He laughed cynically, shaking his head. "I'm not the one determined to live my life alone," he snorted. "Voldemort is determined to see that I live my life alone."

My heart skipped a beat. "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

"No, it isn't," he argued quickly. "Look at my life, Riley. Look at what it's become. Three brothers are dead. My father is dead. My sister and her husband nearly died. The girl that I am madly in love with nearly died. I-I wake up every morning and wonder if everyone in my life is still alive. I go to bed at night and consider the day to be successful if I hadn't heard any stories of anyone dying. Death has consumed my life! So I'm sorry if I sound cynical, but I think I have every right to be."

I hesitated. "Don't let death consume your life," I pleaded.

"How the hell am I supposed to do that?"

I met his gaze. "By living it to the best of your ability," I whispered.

He didn't respond, but a flicker of acknowledgment rested in his eyes.

"Which you're not doing without the love of your life by your side."

He sighed, shrugging awkwardly. "You can't tell me anything I haven't heard before," he muttered.

I didn't know what to even say to that. He clearly looked defeated but he wasn't about to listen to what I had to say. And suddenly I how strong he must be. If I had all of the tragedies that he has had to endure happen to me, I don't know if I'd be able to crawl out of bed in the morning. And to let the love of his life go must have been nearly impossible. "I don't know how you do it," I blurted out.

He swiftly turned his gaze away from mine, probably to veil the tears that were forming once again. I pretended not to notice. "Honestly?" he whispered, his voice hoarse and helpless. "I'm not sure how I do it either."

I sighed and slowly stepped to the side. "You want to come in?"

He blinked. "Haven't you heard anything I've said?" he choked out. "You should really stay away from me, Riles. I'm…hell, I'm cursed."

A slow smile spread across my lips. "And when did I ever listen to a damned thing you've told me?"

He didn't say anything, frowning instead. Slowly, he slipped past me into my apartment.

As I talked to James that evening for the next four hours with the help of a bottle of firewhisky, I was so troubled to discover how much James had changed in just four years. When he smiled, it didn't reach his eyes. When he spoke, his words were wearisome. His eyes darted around the room in panic. He threw back a few drinks as if he did it on a constant basis. He wasn't the uplifting best friend I had left behind four years ago.

I couldn't help but wonder if he still might be that uplifting best friend if I hadn't left.

A/N: Not really much to say here. Lily finds things out about Riley and Keegan. Keegan gets to hear Lily's opinion. Riley finds things out about Lily and James. Lance just aches for Kay. And what's going on between James and Riley? Guess you'll have to wait for the next chapter to find out.