A/N: Back with the next chapter in the Balcony series. Yay! A little more action in this chapter but even better, tons more action coming up after this chapter. Most of this chapter sets up a lot of the rest of the story so I hope you enjoy it. I think we are hitting a turning point in this story and I know you're all excited for that - I know there has been a lot of sadness and death and tragedy and it is depressing you to read it and watch them all fall apart. But now that we have officially hit the rockbottom for most of them, we can only go up. So stop reading me drone on and on and start reading the chapter!

Disclaimer: Not J.K. Rowling. You know why? Because Ron and Hermione belong together!

Goodbyes on the Balcony

Chapter 33: Of Jobs, Flying, & Tire Swings

By ByeByeBirdie

++SYDNY++

There was rumor of a training mission on the near horizon milling around the Auror offices. Some already existing Aurors were itching to run the training mission for the recruits. Others were shuddering at the possibility. Me? I was more hoping that James wouldn't go on it.

I had no clue why these training missions still occurred. It hadn't just been Brite's training mission that had been attacked. Three others out of the eight that have occurred in the past four years had been attacked. No one else had died on any of them but serious injuries were sustained. My guess was they were an easy way for the Death Eaters to attack a large horde of Aurors and future Aurors at once. How they knew where to find these missions was beyond me but I had a feeling if Voldemort and his minions got wind of James partaking in this year's training missions, James may be a dead man.

Oh, Merlin. My life really was revolving around him, wasn't it? I needed to get out more…

I hadn't actually seen the guy in roughly a week. I had been sent to the south of France where runaway ex-Death Eaters were rumored to be hiding out and Moody sent me in hopes of me being able to play peacekeeper. Apparently being a liaison between Death Eaters and Moody hadn't been just a one-time gig between myself and Wyatt. I frowned at the thought.

Unfortunately, I barely got my hands on cave the ex-Death Eaters were hiding out in before they had once again escaped. They had assumed I worked for Voldemort and was there to attack them. Too bad for them. I probably could have helped them more than they were helping themselves.

I was finishing up my report for Moody that Tuesday morning when James sauntered into the cubicle. One glance at him told me something was very wrong. "You look like shit."

He glared at me. "And a good morning to you. How'd the mission to France go?"

I shrugged. "It didn't," I said curtly. "Now you want to tell me why it looks like you haven't slept in months?"

He sighed, sinking into his chair. "It's been a rough couple of days, alright?" he murmured, turning his back on me.

My heart skipped a beat. "What…what happened?" I dared to ask.

"No one died if that's what you're thinking."

I felt slight relief fill my heart. "It wasn't," I lied. "I was just oddly genuinely concerned about you. You seriously look like a dragon attacked your insides."

He stiffened before slowly turning around in his chair. He looked at me hesitantly, a frown filling his face before he spoke. "How much do you know about Riley?"

I hesitated. "Who?"

"Apparently not much."

I gazed at him curiously before it dawned on me who he was talking about. "Oh. Riley Gilmore?"

He merely shrugged.

"I don't know much," I admitted with a shrug. "Just that she used to be your friend and she left Britain four years ago."

"Yeah, well, she's back."

I blinked. "Can you repeat that?"

"Yeah. My reaction precisely," he murmured.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why is she back?"

"How the hell should I know?"

"You didn't ask her?"

"No, weirdly enough after I told her I would never forgive her, I didn't stick around to ask her why she was back."

I frowned. "Aren't you curious?"

"Of course I'm curious," he muttered, reluctance in his voice. "That doesn't mean I'm going to give her the satisfaction of knowing I have questions I would like to ask her. "

He was definitely not telling me something. "You're telling me that you never want to speak to the girl that was your best friend for eighteen years ever again?" I spoke, my eyebrow arching skeptically. "The girl who you used to share everything with? The girl who knew all of your secrets and vice versa? The girl-"

"Who left," he interrupted, the words sad and desperate against his tongue. "She took those eighteen years and she took all of our secrets with her the moment she left for Australia. She can't just waltz back into our lives and expect everything to go back to the way they used to be. They just…they can't."

My frown deepened, recognizing some definite confusion in his tone. "Forget about what she wants, Potter. What do you want?"

He opened his mouth immediately, probably to reiterate that he never wanted to speak to her again, but slowly, his mouth shut without another word. He met my gaze for a brief moment before letting out a defeated sigh and turning back around to face his desk. He didn't say anything more and I didn't push it.

But I had a pretty good feeling that James did want her back in his life not that he would ever admit it. It was obvious he was scared of something. Of what, I couldn't be sure. Of letting her back into his life where she might walk back out again? Of letting her into a life that was filled with tragedy and turmoil and why would he want to invite someone into that? Of letting anyone into his life?

I don't know what it was but I hoped for James' sake that sooner or later, he stopped being so afraid and just started accepting what his life had become.

++JAMES++

As I spoke the hateful words of Riley, I could feel my heart wasn't into it. All I could think about was the four hours we had spent together. Four hours that reminded me of the way we used to be. We didn't talk about the present. She didn't talk about Rhett and I didn't talk about Lily. Instead, we reminisced on our childhoods. We laughed when remembering our goofy teenage selves in Hogwarts. We recalled all of the memories we had created together for eighteen years. We remembered the laughs and the late-night talks and the times we just needed someone by our sides. We remembered the times we spent all night in the tree house and the times we snuck out to the beach on hot nights to stick our feet in the water. We remembered the terrible dates we would gossip about. We remembered the Christmas carols we'd sing at the top of our lungs during the first snowfall. We remembered the sad times, but mostly we remembered the good times.

As the night wore on, I kept wishing none of those memories mattered. I wanted to believe that her leaving made all of those memories null and void. Because I wanted to hate her. So much. And maybe a part of me did for the way she left.

But in the end, I didn't have the energy to feel hatred towards her. I just felt confusion and remorse and regret. She had been my best friend and she walked away. And it was unforgiveable. She wasn't allowed to waltz back into our lives as if she hadn't walked away and pretend everything was fine. And a part of me blamed myself for letting her think it was fine considering I had willingly spent four hours with her. Why wouldn't she think everything was fine when I gave her a reason to think it?

It was extremely unfair the way she left but honestly, it was even more unfair at the timeliness of her return back. Everything was falling apart around us and all any of really wanted was a tiny bit of stability. And it sounded completely backwards to search for that in a girl who turned everything upside down four years earlier but before she left, she had been a constant in all of our lives. And the way everything was going now, I needed to believe in something again.

So as much as I wanted to hate her, I couldn't. After all that I've been through, I was very aware that it wasn't hate I was feeling towards her. It was a desperate need. Because as much as I didn't want to admit it, a part of me really needed her in my life. I needed a reminder of the life I once had. The carefree, adventurous life I had lived without a single fear overtaking my every thought. I needed my childhood back. I needed to remember that there was such a thing as a good memory. She reminded me of how I used to be. Who I used to be.

So it wasn't her that I hated. No, it was the fact that a part of me needed her at all that I hated most of all.

++LILY++

Monday morning went by quickly but I couldn't remember a single piece of work I had actually done. I couldn't get my run-ins with James or dinner with Riley or my conversation with Keegan out of my head no matter how hard I tried. Out of all of us, I couldn't believe that it was Riley who was the happy one. I was supposed to have it all. I was supposed to have James. And in the end, all I had was heartbreak, a desperation to reconnect with my past, and the desire to give Keegan advice so she would recognize she deserved better. I wasn't going to get "better" but someone should.

By the end of the day, I was ready to pull my hair out from pure overanalysis. I had never let my personal life consume my work before but it suddenly became very evident to me at some point during that day that I couldn't be surrounded by the constant reminder of James and the drama that has ensued from him if I expected to do my job well.

If I expected to live my life well.

I wandered into Shane's office late that evening, a look of pure confusion resting in my expression.

"Where the hell have you been?" he urged.

I met his gaze, not saying anything.

"We were supposed to get together with Franz to discuss the American trade proposal on lethal potions an hour ago," he reminded me.

I nodded. "Yeah, I-I know. Sorry," I murmured.

"Oh, yeah, you sound quite broken up about it," he snorted with a teasing smirk. "What's going on? Where have you been?"

I slid into one of his empty chairs and frowned. "I was in Lunder's office."

His expression turned to concern. "Good? Or bad?"

I hesitated. "I'm still trying to determine that."

He narrowed his eyes to clearly get a closer look at me. Eventually, he sighed. "I have no idea what that means."

"Neither do I."

He shot me a look. "Stop talking in circles and tell me what's going on."

I didn't respond immediately, still processing the conversation I shared with Lunder. I stared up at Shane who was patiently eyeing me up. I could see the nerves in his own face and I could only imagine how much anxiety was heavily resting in my own eyes. Eventually, I let out a sharp sigh and said, "Lunder informed me of a position opening up in the Philadelphia office. Senior Assistant to the British Diplomatic Liaison."

I could see him stiffen, his eyes widening in shock. "And you're applying?"

I didn't respond immediately, still not even sure what to think let alone say. "He suggested I should."

He frowned. "That didn't answer my question."

"I don't know the answer, Shane," I urged pleadingly, shaking my head.

He slowly climbed out of his chair and walked around to the front of his desk, perching atop it directly in front of me. "Lily," he said softly, albeit a bit strained, "If you weren't going to apply, you wouldn't be here mulling it over."

I blinked, meeting his gaze. "Who said I was mulling? I'm merely answering your questions."

"You're mulling," he muttered, sighing as he avoided my gaze. "I can see it in your eyes."

He was staring over my shoulder at his shut door and I wondered what he was thinking. Which was slightly ludicrous considering I should have been focusing on what I was thinking. But there was such hesitant frustration in Shane's stance I couldn't let it go unnoticed. I found myself thinking about the conversation we had shared earlier that week. "Alright, maybe I am mulling," I spoke softly, knowing he deserved the truth.

He nodded sullenly. "Can't you just wait until Hollingsworth retires and take over his job?"

I couldn't help but smile. Jerard Hollingsworth was the Chief Liaison in our Department, in charge of managing all of the Senior Advisers in the British Department. "Like he would ever retire."

He hesitated. "Alright, then just wait until he keels over and dies."

I laughed and was grateful for it. I knew that Shane was trying to lighten the mood and I appreciated him for it. He always managed to know exactly what to say. "Shane," I said softly, bringing the mood back down to serious.

He looked up at me with a frown.

"Taking over Hollingsworth's position wouldn't help get me where I need to be," I whispered.

He met my gaze. "I have a feeling you're not just talking about it from a career standpoint."

I shook my head slowly, taking a deep breath in as I thought over the past month. "I-I hope you know that if it was a month ago, I would have no problem staying where I am even with the honor of this promotion. I-I had everything I could have ever wanted. But now?" I didn't even answer the rhetorical question, James suddenly weighing heavily on my mind.

"I know," he spoke, his voice scarcely above a whisper.

I locked eyes with him. "You know?"

He shrugged, though feebly, and nodded. "I know," he said softly. "I've watched you over the last month fade away into someone I'm barely able to recognize. Which kills me because you've always been a strong, confident woman. You have to know that you never needed James to make you that way."

I could feel tears building up inside of me and I tried desperately to absolve them. "It's not that I need James to help me feel that way," I murmured. "It's just that I'm used to it."

The frown on Shane's face deepened, his expression sinking into complacency. "So you want to go move across the Atlantic to…to what? To get used to a world without him? To start over?"

I blinked, my heart filling with confusion. Was that what I was doing? Just trying to get away from a world I had become so accustomed to because it was too hard living in it? Was I considering applying for the position just to start over? Because of James?

I frowned, swallowing the lump forming in my throat, before locking eyes with Shane. "I lost a lot more than James the day we broke up," I spoke hoarsely. "I lost love. I lost security and trust. I lost passion and hope and I lost my ability to dream. I lost happiness and I lost the only family I've ever really known. I…I lost myself, Shane. I lost so much that made me the person I was. So what's keeping me here?" I whispered hoarsely. "Give me one good reason why I should stay?"

A flicker of desperation glinted in his eye just for a moment before he slowly stood up from the desk, his eyes never straying from mine. He didn't say anything, but I could feel the nerves in every move he made. He took one step closer. And then another. He slowly leaned over, a coy smile tugging on his lips. That's when I felt my heart begin to race, our eyes locking desperately with each other.

"I can think of a reason," he whispered into my ear. And then suddenly he was kissing me like I had never been kissed before. He placed his hands on the arms of the chair as our lips locked in an undeniably heated passion. I instinctively leaned back against the chair due to sheer force as his tongue explored the inside of my mouth hungrily. Ever since our amateur relationship had come to a close almost seven years earlier, I had always wondered what it would be like to kiss him again. Really kiss him. An unrestricted kiss filled with endless desire. My heart fluttered anxiously at the raw passion that ignited between us.

Slowly, I pushed my way towards him and climbed out of the chair. He fell back against the desk as I took control, my arms wrapping around his neck as his hands slid behind my back and under the hem of my shirt. I was surprised at how intense and yet gentle his kisses were, as if he was truly in tune with both what he wanted and what I wanted. His trembling hands hesitantly ran all over my body. Over my back, my arms, my face, and inevitably into my hair.

The kissing went on for longer that I would like to admit. I suddenly felt like a teenager again, just me and Shane as innocent adolescents sneaking off to quiet corners of the castle to kiss clumsily and then wander back into the common room with our discomfited tails tucked between our legs.

This time was no different.

Our lips met in a frenzied manner, desperate to taste each other. My hands framed his face as his hands slipped into my back pockets, pure lust emanating from the both of us. I leaned into him even closer, our tongues swirling with one another as his arms wrapped tightly around my waist. He tasted so good, I never wanted this kiss to end. My heart sped up as his mouth slowly ran down my jawline towards my exposed neck. I moaned and tilted my head back, tangling my hands desperately into his blonde locks as he succulently sucked my neck. It didn't last long as we were both far too desperate to taste each other yet again, our lips leading back to one another.

When we eventually pulled apart, our eyes locked with a slight unsettling hesitation. Our lips were swollen, our hair mussed up, and I could feel my heart pounding out of my chest. He reached up to brush a stray hair from my face and said with a tortured smile, "I have wanted to do that for so long."

I smiled. Really smiled. I felt nervous and anxious and yet safe all at the same time. The kiss was completely unexpected and yet it comfortable and it felt right. My heart was beating a mile a minute at the adoring way he was looking at me and I wanted to remember that look for a very long time.

"Oh, really?" I said impishly, pressing my body up against his teasingly. I brought my lips underneath his ear and whispered, "Pray tell, what else have you wanted to do to me, Shane Redford?"

He slowly met my gaze, hesitation staring back at me. "Er…for the sake of our friendship, I'm going to keep that to myself."

My eyebrow peaked suggestively, "Friendship? Friends don't kiss each other like that, Redford."

He hesitated. "Moment of weakness?"

I frowned, shaking my head. "Don't have second thoughts now, Shane Redford," I urged. "You wanted me to stay so give me a reason to stay."

That seemed to do the trick as the hesitant frown on his face slowly turned into content smile. "You're an amazing woman, Lily Evans, y'know that?"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm great, blah blah blah. How about we get back to you telling me what you've wanted to do with me?" I teased, wrapping my arms around his shoulder and drawing him closer to me.

A sense of relief filled his expression as he pressed his forehead to mine. "How about we get out of here?" he croaked, smiling feebly.

I smiled, reaching for his hand as I leaned over and kissed him again, this time short and yet incredibly tender. "Lead the way," I whispered.

++SHANE++

I just slept with Lily Evans. I just slept with Lily Evans. I. Just. Slept. With. Lily. Evans.

No matter how I said it – no matter what words I emphasized or the inflection of the words in my thoughts – I was still very much in shock (and maybe a little in denial) that it had actually happened. A long time ago I had told myself to get over Lily. She was taken by James and always would be taken by James. And even when they broke up, I knew nothing could ever happen to us because all she needed was a friend as she attempted to fall out of love with James.

And yet…

I JUST SLEPT WITH LILY EVANS.

I felt a smile creep on to my lips as I turned over in bed to face her. I was caught off-guard when I saw her already staring at me. "Hi," she whispered, the sheet loosely covering her beautiful breasts.

I chuckled, instinctively leaning over to kiss her. I was surprised and yet oddly grateful that there was so much pent-up passion between us. In even just a light kiss, sparks flew. My heart was still fluttering anxiously for the girl lying in front of me.

"So," she said, breaking my nostalgic moment, "Not to sound like a total girl, but…what exactly did we just do?"

I laughed, falling back against my pillow as I contemplated her question. "Well," I said slowly. "Not to sound like a total guy, but we totally just did it."

She burst into laughter, playfully shoving my shoulder with her arm. "Not exactly what I meant."

I smiled, but it felt strained. "I-I know, but…I don't even know what to say about it," I admitted in a small voice. I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye. I was surprised to see her rather calm and content. I thought for sure she'd be freaking out. It wasn't every day she and I had sex. Hell, it wasn't every day she had sex with someone who wasn't James.

"Alright," she said slowly, resting her chin stop my bare chest as her doe-eyed expression glanced up at me. "How about another question? Such as, what does this mean?"

"Damn, you really dive into the difficult questions right away, don't you?" I murmured teasingly, kissing her forehead.

"I just…" she trailed off, confusion filling her expression.

"You just what?"

She chewed on the inside of her lip pensively, slowly shrugging. "I meant what I said to you on Thursday night."

I blinked. "Er…could you narrow it down a bit? You said a few things on Thurs-"

"I need you, Shane," she whispered. "And I'm not going to let you let me go. Not this time."

It had been what I had wanted her to say for so long. I had waited for this moment. But I couldn't appreciated it. Not yet. There was still so many questions running in my mind, the big one having to do with a certain James Potter. Yes, I slept with Lily but that didn't mean anything else should come from it. I couldn't just be the rebound guy. I wanted more, but I knew in her heart she couldn't want more even if she tried.

Right?

"Lily, don't take this the wrong way, but-"

She shut me up by kissing me. "No buts," she whispered, shaking her head as she reached up and brushed a hair from my face. "I know what you're thinking, Shane. I do. But stop focusing on him and just focus on us."

It sounded so simple. But I knew it wasn't.

She pressed her forehead to mine as she continued. "Shane, I never would have been able to get through the past month without you," she whispered, her eyes pouring with mine with gratitude. "You've been my strength when all I've felt was broken. You were my energy when I was exhausted. You were my confidence when I lacked it. You were my hope when I thought my dreams had died. You were my rock when I felt like everything was falling apart. I could depend on you when I thought I had no one. Every morning I woke up I felt my world caving in. But I always knew I could come to work and feel okay with you right next door. And honestly, Shane, it hasn't just been this past month. You've always been someone I knew I could turn to when I needed a break from the tragedies and horror that this war has provided me with. Coming into work was easy with you there. Don't you see that? Don't you see how much you really mean to me?" She slowly sat up, running her hands down my arms. "I'm just sorry I never knew how much until now."

I was literally speechless. The girl of my dreams was sitting (naked) in front of me telling me all of the things that I never imagined would have come out of her mouth directed at me. I could feel my heart expanding with so much longing and comfort.

And yet…

"Lily," I said softly.

"No," she cut me off, shaking her head. "Don't say my name like that."

"Like what?"

"Like you're about to let me down."

I frowned. "Lily, I-I-"

"You're about to let me down, aren't you?"

I met her dismayed eyes. "You know what I have to ask you about," I whispered.

She blinked, turning away from me and resting her head atop my chest. "James," she murmured.

I nodded. "Yeah."

"He obviously meant something to me. It would be insulting to you to pretend he didn't," she said softly. "But he's my past. You mean something to me now. Doesn't that count for something?"

I slowly leaned over, kissing the top of her head. I felt my heart beat rapidly within my chest. "Do you know how much you really mean to me? I could be having the worst day possible and that would change completely after one conversation with you. I-I never thought I'd be lying in front of you as you tell me the same thing."

A slight blush appeared on her cheeks. "Well, here I am, Shane, telling you I want to be with you," she whispered, brushing her hair from her face as she once again stared up at me with expectant eyes. "What are you going to do about it?"

My heart and my head were screaming two completely different things. I didn't know which to listen to at that moment. Because I knew that there was a strong part of her that probably still had feelings for James. Then again, she probably always would. He was her first love. Her first lover. He was a huge factor in the person she had become. And a part of me hated him for it. He had given her a reason to live her life openly and honestly and then he destroyed it in a matter of seconds. And selfishly, I wanted to be the reason she was able to live her life once again to the fullest. I wanted her to know that she was one hell of a woman and that I would never stop believing in that.

So I did the only thing I could do. I listened to my heart.

"I'm going to kiss you and never let you go," I whispered, moving my head so it was only centimeters away from hers. "That's what I'm going to do."

She grinned. "I was really hoping you would say that."

And before either of us could say anything more, my lips were crashing hungrily against hers.

++LILY++

I wanted to believe there was something else in the world for me besides James. And maybe jumping into something with Shane so quickly after a broken heart was supposed to be foolish, but I didn't see it that way. This was my chance to put the past in the past and embrace the possibility of happiness. Shane had always been there for me in every way possible. He had become more than just a best friend to me and I hadn't even realized it. I had been blinded by James for so long that I couldn't see what was right in front of me. He made me feel wanted and it had been a long time since I had felt wanted by someone.

It should have felt weird. I had only ever slept with one person (okay, two but the second doesn't count because I don't remember it) so I should have been nervous and scared. It should have made me feel nostalgic for what I once had. It should have brought the memories of James flooding back. And yet as the intimacy grew between myself and Shane, it wasn't James I was thinking about. No, it was myself and how I was really to let go. James and I had a great four years together. Great right up until the very end anyway. But we were over. He stopped loving me and I deserved someone who wasn't scared to live their life. Who wanted to live that life with me. Was Shane that person? I didn't know, but I was certainly ready to find out.

You may think I'm naïve. You may think I'm selfish. You may think I'm in denial or kidding myself. And maybe a part of me knew all of those things. But I was tired of crying myself to sleep. I was tired of feeling brokenhearted. I was tired of hating myself. I was tired of feeling tired. All I wanted was to be happy and Shane gave me that. So even if I was being naïve and selfish and in denial, I was going to keep doing it. I was tired of hiding and I was tired of being miserable and I was tired of trying to look elsewhere for the ability to move on. I wanted to be with Shane. It took me a while to realize that, but now that I did, I didn't want to let him go.

I let James let me go without a fight. I wasn't about to let Shane do the same.

++KEEGAN++

I had finished all of Wyatt's letters. Nothing more substantial had come out of them, though I kept them around for good measure. It was clear by the end of his letters, Wyatt was sounding far more scared and disheartened. I was glad he got out but my heart broke at what had ultimately happened to him because of it. All he had ever done was try to protect his family and he died because of it. I wondered if he would have changed his mind about joining Voldemort's army as a spy if he had known the end result. Then again, I wondered what would have possibly happened to all Potters if Wyatt hadn't joined Voldemort. Would they all be dead right now? And what about all of those people that he and Sydny saved?

I shuddered. I was depressing myself far too much by digging into the Potters' personal lives.

And yet I was fascinated by it.

I had moved on to sifting through Mr. Potter's numerous case files. Most of them held pointless information, but I was truly amazed at how many Death Eaters he had sent to Azkaban. He really had been one hell of an Auror.

I was traipsing home from the office, my arms full of some of those case files, when I nearly walked straight into Sirius sauntering out of his apartment. I froze and then he froze.

"Hey," he said with an awkward smile.

"Hi," I murmured, turning my back on him to slip the key to my apartment into the door.

"Seriously? That's all you're going to say?"

I rolled my eyes. "All you said was 'hey,' Sirius," I snorted, my back still turned to him.

"Why are you mad at me?" Sirius snapped. "You're the one keeping secrets from me."

"I'm not mad at you. I'm just ignoring you," I muttered, opening my door and heading into the apartment without another word.

"Why? Because I asked you out?" he asked, stepping up behind me to stop the door from closing behind me.

I stiffened, turning around to glare at him. "Because I've learned that this only works when we ignore each other."

"That what works?"

He knew what I was talking about and was just bating me, but I answered anyway. "You and me."

A slow frown broke out across his face. "Why didn't you tell me about Riley?"

I was wondering when that question was going to come up. I stuck the piles of parchment on to the perch beside the door and turned around with a sigh. "I have no excuses, Sirius. I don't have a good reason. I don't have anything to defend myself with. All I can say is that I...I didn't know how to tell you."

Bitterness reflected in his eyes. "You sound like Riley."

"What?"

"She's been back for ten months and her excuse as to why she hasn't said anything is because she didn't know how. Well, not knowing how to do something is not a good excuse for lying, Rouge."

"I already told you it wasn't an excuse. It was just a..."

"An easy way out?" he snapped.

I frowned, nodding slowly. "Yeah," I whispered.

He met my gaze and I suddenly felt very vulnerable in front of him. "Nothing in life is easy," he finally spoke, the words cold and callous against his tongue. "And everyone thinking that maybe it could be is just making it harder. And not just for themselves but for everyone else around them. Until people get that through their heads, it's just going to be more heartbreak and more tragedies and more pain. You out of anyone should know that nothing in life comes easy."

He whirled around to head back to his apartment. I should have left it at that, but I found myself following him. "Sirius, please," I said as he slid his key into his door. "Don't hate me."

He hesitated, glancing over his shoulder. "I thought that's what you wanted."

I froze. "Not like this," I murmured.

"So it's okay to hate me for asking you out but I'm not allowed to hate you for betraying me?"

Ouch. I opened my mouth to respond but found the words unable to form. "Well, when you put it like that," I muttered guiltily.

"There's no other way to put it, Rouge," he snapped.

He was right. I hated when he was right. "So do you just want to go back to the way things used to be then?" I asked curiously, wondering where any of this let us.

"Where you were insulting me and I was jumping down your throat?"

"Exactly!"

He almost smiled. Almost. "I don't know if we can go back to that," he said softly.

I wasn't so sure either. "So...then what? We just continue to ignore each other and avoid each other?"

"I-I don't know. I really don't know, Keegan. I've been through a lot these past couple of days and I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. I-I just...I don't need this right now."

"Yeah, well I don't either," I muttered, wondering if I was lying or not.

His lips pursed as he glanced back at me. "Why are you mad at me?" he asked softly.

"You know why."

He hesitated. "You're really that mad at me just because I asked you out?"

I sighed, weariness growing in my expression. "We had a good thing going," I muttered, shrugging. "You ruined it."

He hesitated. "That's not what this is really about though, is it?"

I really didn't want to get into it with him. "How about we just forget that we ran into each other today?" I muttered, whirling around and heading back into my apartment. I heard him follow me and cringed as I traipsed into the kitchen for a water.

"Keegan," he said softly, leaning up against the kitchen doorway.

"What?" I muttered as I whipped open the refrigerator.

"What's really going on?"

I whirled around to glare at him. "Excuse me?"

"You are usually so nonchalant about everything. And yet with this, you're acting uptight and awkward. Why? If I really mean nothing to you, shouldn't you be able-"

"Hold it right there," I interrupted, slamming the refrigerator door shut. "Are you insinuating that you do mean something to me, Black?"

He fell silent, pursing his lips broodingly.

"You can get out now," I snapped, whisking past him forcefully.

He grabbed my arm before I could disappear. "I think you'd be lying to yourself if you claim you feel absolutely nothing towards me. You and I? We've had similar pasts and oddly enough, we've found a bit of comfort in being able to talk to each other about it no matter how much you might not want to admit it. We've had a good time together, Rouge. You can't deny that."

"Sure I can," I muttered. "I deny it. I deny it a hundred times over. You and I? So not good together."

He rolled his eyes. "I never said we were good together. I said we had a good time together. Big difference."

I sighed. "Alright, fine. Maybe we did have some fun together. But I think it's safe to say that's over."

"Yeah, you've made that perfectly clear," he muttered.

Slowly, I smirked. "Is that what this is about? Now you don't have the convenience of knocking on your neighbor's door when you're feeling a little horny?"

He glared at me. "This isn't about the sex, Rouge," he snapped. "This is about you and me."

"There is no you and me!"

"I know! You've made that perfectly clear!"

"You can't get mad at me over this, Black!" I cried out, struggling to pull my arm out of his grasp. "You were the one who ruined everything!"

"I asked you out! If you're going to claim I ruined everything, say the words, Rouge!"

"The words are ridiculous!"

"The words scare you!"

That three me for a loop for a few seconds before I glared at me. "What? Don't…don't pretend like you know me."

"I do know you, Rouge. Because you're exactly like me."

"I am nothing like you!" I snapped, stomping my foot pettily.

"You're alone. You're guarded. You're scared. You hate the way your life turned out and all you ever try to do is pretend that you're fine with it. And finally someone walks into your life that makes you think perhaps you can be fine with it and that scares the shit out of you! Stop me when none of this is making any sense."

"Dammit, Black, will you quit doing that?"

"Doing what?"

"Trying to tell me how I think! I can handle my own thoughts without you butting in all the bloody time!"

"Clearly you can't handle them because you're running away from them!"

"Stop telling me what I'm doing!"

"Bloody hell, you are the most exasperating person on the planet!" he groaned, throwing his hands in the air and hence, dropping my arm from his.

"And you are the most self-absorbed person on the planet!"

We glared at each other, our noses inches apart, the seconds passing by with rage and frustration. And then suddenly, we were kissing each other with an intensity unforeseen by other one of us. I couldn't remember if it was him that first kissed me or the other way around, but as our lips met in a frenzied, passionate manner, it didn't matter. His hands were tangling in my hair and my arms were wrapping around his shoulders tightly. A strong yearning built up inside both of us as our mouths melded together so hungrily and desperately, his hands running down the curve of my back. I felt him hoist me off the ground and I instinctively wrapped my legs around his waist, our tongues locking together frantically. My back was slammed against the wall as his hand slipped underneath the side of my shirt, my back supported solely by the wall. Sirius and I had always shared unrestrained passion, but the lust and desire emanating between the both of us was something bordering on uncharted territory. And that was what scared me the most.

"Sirius, wait," I pleaded, jerking my face away from his when my heart finally caught up with my head.

He frowned, slowly backing away and reluctantly leading me back to the ground.

I didn't say anything, not even sure what to say.

"Wait for what, Keegan?" he asked softly when I remained mute.

I slowly met his gaze, ignoring the loud beating of my heart. As I stared up at him, I felt myself shaking my head. "Nothing, I-I just...I can't do this," I whispered vulnerably, taking a step back from him.

He frowned. "Seems to me you were doing just fine with it a minute ago," he spoke, his gaze never leaving mine.

I had to turn away, his eyes staring at me making it impossible to think straight. "I know," I muttered, cringing shamefully, "But...just...we can't go back to this."

He didn't say anything immediately but I could still feel his gaze on mine. It took everything in my power to not look up at him, finding solace in the floor tiles. Finally, he spoke. "I get it," he said, though I could tell he didn't want to. "How about we just…say we're even and call it a day. I asked you out, you didn't tell me about Gilmore being back. Let's move on, shall we?"

"Move on to what?" I snorted. "I'm tired of this back-and-forth game we've been playing, Sirius. Can't we just be over?"

Slowly, he shrugged. He didn't say anything as he offered me a smile and headed out of the kitchen, through the living room, and towards the door. I felt myself letting out a sigh of relief, though I couldn't help but wonder why he had left the question unanswered. But before I could fully be relieved, he turned around to face me. "Maybe for now," he said softly. "But I think we both know this isn't the end for us."

I was going to send back some sort of witty comeback, but I was too stunned to think of one as he opened the door and disappeared.

++LANCE++

It's nights like these I wish we had a balcony. The air was crisp but fresh and I could really have used some fresh air to go with my six-pack of beer. I had to settle for the couch. The couch that provided me with so many memories of Kay. The times we would snuggle up against each other and watch a late-night movie. The times we made love on it because we couldn't wait and walk the five seconds to the bedroom. The time we had a popcorn fight and we were fishing popcorn kernels out of the couch cushions for weeks after. The night she held me there when I found out about Caleb. Everything in the apartment reminded me of her and that couch was no different.

The radio was on full-blast but it didn't stop the memories from running through my mind. It did stop me from hearing the pounding knocks on the door.

"HEY!"

I jumped out of my revelry at the scream, whirling around as my sister turned down the music. "What are you doing here?" I muttered.

"Not feeling sorry for myself, that's for sure," she said coldly, plopping down on to the couch beside me.

I finished off the beer in my hand, chucking it into the fire. "I think I'm allowed to feel a little sorry for myself."

She frowned, slowly shaking her head. "No," she said softly. "If anyone should be feeling sorry, it should be me."

I turned to face her, popping open another beer. I hesitated before offering her one. She reluctantly took it, her eyes never leaving mine. "I don't blame you, Riley," I said, though I didn't fully believe the words.

"You should," she spoke, her voice wavering. "I blame me."

I didn't say anything. I couldn't.

"I got you into this, Lance," she choked out. "I-I never should have asked you to keep the secret from your fiancée. I came back here under the pretense that I've changed but everything I've done since I've been back has been to benefit me. I'm just as…fuck, I haven't changed, have I?"

I glanced at her, confused. "What are you talking about?"

She slumped down on the couch with a sigh. "I left because I-I…well, it doesn't matter why. It just matters that it was about how I was scared to stay. Me. I left everyone behind because I couldn't deal with myself. It was never about them. Never about…about Sirius. It was about me," she muttered, running her fingers through her hair hesitantly. "And when I came back, I sought my family out because I missed you but I didn't think twice about what you had all been going through over the past four years. You're all practically intermingled with all my old friends and instead of manning up and attempting to reveal myself, I begged you all to keep your mouths shut. And why? Because I was afraid of what they'd think? Because I was afraid to face the reasons I left? Because…because why? I moved on because I had to. I met Rhett and got engaged and the past should have just been that. The past. But…but I turned it into the present by inserting myself in the middle of everyone. What the hell have I done, Lance?"

I gaped at her, shocked by the long-winded ramble. "What…I mean…where the hell is this coming from?"

She frowned. "I don't know," she murmured. "I'm just realizing that…it's not fair to them."

"You're still not making any sense."

She glanced up at me and I saw such powerful guilt resting in her expression. "All of them are heartbroken. All of then," she whispered, shaking her head in disbelief. "And I'm not."

Realization dawned on me. "Riley-"

"I leave, yet I'm the one who's happy? How is that fair?"

I sighed and as much as it killed me to say it, I spoke, "It's not like just because you made mistakes in the past that that means you don't get to be happy in the future."

Riley shrugged. "Maybe not, but it's how I feel. If you get to feel sorry for yourself, I get to feel sorry for everyone else."

"They don't need you to feel sorry for them. They just…" I trailed off. I wasn't actually sure of the end to that sentence.

"They just need me to go back to Australia?" she muttered.

I glanced at the beer in my hand. "I don't know what they need. But right now, I need you in England."

"How can you even say that?" she muttered. "Look what I did to your relationship. I wish I could just take it all back-"

"But you can't," I muttered. "And neither can I." I turned to look at her. "Riley, this wasn't your fault. You asked me to promise not to tell but I'm the one who kept that promise. It's not you Kay's mad at, Riley. It's me."

"Uh, I think she's a little mad at me."

I shrugged. "Maybe for returning and not telling anyone but not for the..." I trailed off. I couldn't even say the words 'break up' aloud.

"It was because of me," she reminded. "You fought because of me. You broke up because of me. You guys aren't together because of me." The tears in her eyes were unmistakable.

I reached over and patted her leg as comforting as I could given the circumstances. "Stop," I whispered, shaking my head. "I-I don't want to talk about this anymore. What's done is done. There's no point placing blame. It's not going to bring her back." My voice cracked at the truth behind the words.

"Oh, Lance," she whispered.

"Just...just sit here and drink with me," I pleaded.

She hesitated before reaching over and clinking her bottle with mine. "I can do that."

++KAY++

Remus had tried pulling me from my bedroom long enough to have a proper meal (if pizza from the local pizza joint counts as a proper meal), but I don't think he understood how difficult it was for me to try and have a normal conversation with people when all I wanted was to be having that conversation with Lance.

Another knock came an hour later when I was reading through a medical file. "I said I didn't want pizza, Remus!"

The door opened. "It's not Remus."

I froze, sitting upright on my bed. "You have some nerve showing up here, Riley."

"I know. I already got an earful from Remus," she spoke softly, leaning up against the doorframe with her arms crossed.

"What the hell are you doing-"

"Be mad at me," she interrupted in a hoarse whisper. "Not him."

The words made me stiffen. "What the hell are you doing here?" I repeated in a snarl.

She took a step into the room, the guilt evident on her face. "He loves you, Kay," she whispered. "He made a mistake by not telling you but that's on me, not him. I selfishly begged him not to tell. He wanted to but I made him promise not to."

"It doesn't matter who's to blame," I spoke, trying to keep my voice as calm as possible. "It just matters that he was lying to me for ten months."

"Kay-"

"It's not about you," I cut her off coolly. "It's not even about him. It's about the lies and deception. It's about the fact that I don't trust him anymore. It's about me."

She hesitated, glancing at me with a scrutinizing look. "No, it's not just about you," she argued in a small voice. "He may have broken your heart but now, his heart is broken, too. So that means it's not just about you. It's about him, too."

"He did this!" I snapped, my voice cracking. "He made me not trust him!"

"No, I did that," she whispered.

"No!" I shouted. "He was the one who went behind my back. He was the one who didn't tell me the truth. He was the one who lied to me for ten months. He was the one who needed persuasion from you to marry me. He was the one who took you to get me a damned engagement ring. He was the one who made me not trust him!"

She took a step back, her eyes widening in realization. "Oh, my God," she whispered to herself, lifting her eyes to look at me. "This isn't about the lying. It's about the engagement."

My bottom lip trembled as I blinked away the onset of tears. "Our entire engagement was a lie," I spoke, my voice wavering. "And while I could probably forgive him one day for keeping a secret for so long, I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive him for tainting our engagement."

"He didn't need my persuasion," she said hastily. "I merely asked why you two weren't married yet and he realized he didn't have a good reason for it. So he-"

"I really don't care how it happened," I responded coldly. "I just care that it did."

"Kay-"

"Please go," I whispered desperately. "There's nothing you can say or do that will make me take him back, Riley, because frankly, he doesn't deserve it."

"Maybe he doesn't," she said softly. "But that's probably why you're hurting so much."

I hesitated. "Excuse me?"

She shrugged. "Just because you feel as if he doesn't deserve you doesn't mean you don't still love him."

I couldn't even argue because she was right. Which was fine because she was turning around and heading out the door anyway.

That's when I let the tears fall, hugging my knees to my chest as I sobbed into them. I only glanced up when I heard the squeak of the door.

"Hey," Remus whispered as he perched on the end of my bed. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have let her in."

I shook my head. "How can I miss him and hate him at the same time?" I whispered.

"Because our hearts and our heads don't always talk to each other."

I wiped the tears from my cheeks, looking up at him. "She wanted me to blame her, not him."

He nodded and based on the sympathetic glint in his eyes, I knew he had probably overheard our whole conversation. "Who do you blame, Kay?" he asked curiously.

The question made my heart skip a beat and the tears form in my eyes once again. I met his gaze. "Myself," I whispered.

He blinked. "What?"

"How could I not see this? How could I not know he was lying and deceiving me? How could I be so naïve? What kind of fiancée does that make me, Remus? What kind of idiot does that make me?" I whispered angrily, shaking my head in disbelief.

"No," he was quick to argue. "You don't get to blame yourself for this, Kay. This is not on you. This is on them."

I didn't respond. I couldn't because I didn't agree with him.

"You just got caught in the middle of the betrayal, Kay. But none of the betrayal came from you."

It did. I betrayed my own heart by letting Lance into it and then letting him break it. "It may as well have," I murmured irritably, scrambling off the bed and heading towards the bathroom just to get away.

"Kay."

I turned around to face him. "I lost the best thing that ever happened to me, Remus. It doesn't matter who did the betraying. It just matters that it happened and I got hurt because of it."

"Kay-"

I walked into the bathroom and shut the door behind me, sliding down the door as I let the tears consume me once again. I didn't want to hear Riley idealize Lance. I didn't want to hear Remus attempt to make me feel better. Lance was far from ideal and I was far from feeling better. I just wanted to sit on the bathroom floor and cry about the life I had never expected to live. A life without Lance.

++SIRIUS++

I wandered into Potter Manor as an attempt to not think about the girl across the hall from me who was messing with my head. Hell, I was messing with my head, too. I hadn't a clue where I stood with Keegan. I should have been angry with her for deceiving me. I should have felt betrayed that we started any sort of casual relationship while she was holding something back from me. I should have hated her for keeping such an impacting secret from me. But for some reason, I just felt sad that things ended turning so sour between us. Hell, I'd even take the witty back-and-forth banter shielded behind resentment we had once shared. But instead, we were avoiding each other because things had become so incredibly awkward.

So in the spirit of avoiding each other, I chose to bide my time at Potter Manor. Apparently I was the only one because when I wandered into the kitchen, it was empty. I then ventured through the house, not bothering to call out names considering it was a waste of my lungs. Game room, empty. James' room, empty. Remus' room, empty. Balconies, empty. I was about to put Potter Manor behind me and search at Blarney's, when I saw something catch my eye in the distance. I wandered back out James' door on to his balcony, recognizing the silhouette of an advanced flyer riding a broom in the open field to the left of the forest. I didn't know why, but I felt almost comforted by it as I leaned my arms against the railing, breathing in the cool winter air and wondering if letting go of all the heartbreak and animosity was as easy as hopping on a broom. Maybe being in the air was a far better idea than remaining on the ground.

"Hey."

I jumped, emitting a loud shriek at the interruption.

As I turned around, I was met by the amused expressions on Peter and Remus' faces. "Merlin, you scared the shit out of me!" I exclaimed, trying to catch my breath.

The smirk didn't disappear from Remus' face. "Clearly," he drawled. "What the hell are you doing out on James' balcony?"

"I would have thought after eleven years of visiting into Potter Manor, six years of which you actually lived here, you would have known by now that your room is across the hall," Peter added.

I glared at him. "I'm finding you very unfunny at the moment."

He shrugged. "Eh, I'm used to that. Now answer Moony's question."

I rolled my eyes but turned back to face the empty field, nodding towards it. "Look," I murmured.

Remus and Peter stepped on to the balcony, adjusting their eyes to the dark. It took a few seconds before I heard Remus sigh beside me and I knew he had seen James in the distance. "When was the last time he took his broom out?"

I pondered the question but it was Peter who answered. "It was the night after Caleb died."

Remus and I turned to him in surprise, clearly not remembering that at all. Peter continued. "I had come by to see how he was doing and found him flying."

The three of us stood there watching James zoom about before Remus finally spoke. "C'mon." It was all he said but we knew what he meant.

We took the fifteen-minute walk through the backyard, down towards the trail that paralleled the stream, and through the forest until we reached the field.

"Lumos," I muttered. It lit up quickly and I waved it in the air. Seconds later, I saw James' eye catch the light before realizing we were all standing there.

He circled the field one last time before hovering in front of us. "What are you all doing here?"

We all frowned in unison. Finally, Remus elected to talk. "You only fly when you feel lost and like you have no other option left."

James looked surprised at the declaration. "Oh, so we're going to be blunt, are we?"

Remus shrugged. "What's going on?"

He turned his head towards the crescent moon and I swore I saw a flicker of guilt in his eyes. He didn't respond right away and none of us pushed him to. Eventually, he turned back to face us. "Do you remember when we used to throw together spontaneous games of Quidditch?" he mused, a nostalgic smile resting on his face.

I was thrown by the segue and based on the looks on Remus and Peter's faces, they were too. "Yeah," was all I said.

He did a quick loop on his broom before facing us again. "When was the last time we did that?"

I didn't have to think hard about it. It was a June Saturday and I can't remember the last time I had so much fun. All of us were there. No one was fighting or broken up. It felt like the beginning of the rest of our lives.

And yet two months later, Jillian left Remus at the altar, two months after that Caleb died, a month later Wyatt and Mr. Potter died, a month and a half later James and Lily were breaking up, and a month after that Riley returned and turned everything upside down. It hadn't even been a year since our last spontaneous Quidditch match and yet so much had changed. I didn't even want to think about what could change in another year.

"Last June," I finally spoke, the day still vivid in my mind.

The other three Marauders turned to me as if they expected me to continue. But I had already said it all.

James finally planted his feet on the ground, pulling the broom out from under him. "Last June," he repeated sadly. He fell silent, glancing among the three of us contemplatively. "Fuck, everything has changed."

Now that was something I could agree with.

"We used to have enough people in our lives for two full teams, and then some," he continued hoarsely. "And now what do we have? Broken friendships? Broken engagements? Broken people?"

Well, that was depressing.

"If I gathered my friends together to play Quidditch today, I'd barely have one team," he muttered, shaking his head in disbelief.

Even more depressing.

"When did everything go so wrong?" he murmured and the words almost broke my heart. Actually, it wasn't the words. It was the way he said them as if he was finally throwing in the towel and giving up on the life he was handed. But what could I say? What could Remus or Peter say? We couldn't assure him that not everything had gone wrong. We couldn't tell him that things would be alright. We couldn't even attempt to find any words that might console him. So we did the next best thing.

We flew.

It only took seconds for us to summon broomsticks and the look in James' eye immediately turned to gratitude. He didn't want to be consoled or fed lies about how things were going to be alright. He just wanted to have a few seconds to himself where he didn't feel like his world was caving in on him. And maybe, just maybe, flying was the temporary solution.

Distress might have been our motivation for flying, but at some point in the air, we found ourselves laughing and not being able to stop. We retold stories of our legendary Hogwarts pranks. We recalled the endless struggles to learn Animagus transfiguration. We had a big laugh over the insults we added to the Marauder's Map if anyone on the outside were ever to attempt to read it. We remembered the Blarney's visits we shared where we stumbled home because we were so incoherent. We laughed, we smiled, we tried to push Peter off his broom for fun, and I couldn't remember the last time I had enjoyed myself as much as I did that night.

"Are we seriously having this conversation?" Remus groaned as he did a loop through the sky.

"Yes," I snickered immediately, racing over to him insistently. "Now answer the question."

He shook his head in disbelief, but the ends of his mouth turned upward. "I don't know why I bother with you guys," he muttered teasingly, "but if I must answer, I guess the weirdest place I've had sex is...hm...probably a playground tire-swing."

We all howled with shocked laughter, the blush in Remus' cheeks not going unnoticed. "Man, you get down and dirty, don't you," I teased, circling around Remus' head, who jutted towards me unexpected and locked my neck in his grasp with a laugh, ruffling my hair. "Argh, geroff me!"

Remus laughed, reluctantly letting me go and being smart enough to quickly zoom off. "James, I do believe it's your turn to answer," he cried out in between laughs.

James did a loop around Remus as he pondered the question. "It's a tie between Slughorn's desk and Hogwarts rooftop."

Laughter ran through the air as we recalled the scratchy rooftop sex that Lily and James shared, something we still made fun of to this day. "When the hell did you sneak off to Slughorn's classroom and why am I only hearing about this now?" I demanded, jutting over to where he hovered to give him my best 'you're in trouble' look.

"It was during that stupid list we created at the end of Hogwarts," he laughed, kicking the end of my broomstick playfully.

I pulled my broom up fast so as not to veer off. "Good Godric, I haven't thought of that list in years!" I said, my eyes lighting up with pure amusement.

I heard Remus groan from the other side of the field. "That list is why girls think all is wrong with the male species."

"Who ended up winning?" Peter questioned.

"No, don't encourage them!" Remus groaned.

I ignored Remus. "I don't think we ever decided," James laughed, glancing in my direction.

I shrugged. "I guess four years later we can put it to rest and just admit that we are both equally kinky," I said with a melodramatic sigh.

James laughed, quickly followed by the other two Marauders. I joined in immediately, realizing how many great memories I shared with these guys. We were coming up on eleven years of friendship and sometimes it felt as if nothing has changed since we were those naïve eleven-year-old boys where we believed the world was our oyster.

I decided to take the naïve part out immediately. "You're up, Wormy!"

You're probably all thinking that meek little Peter Pettigrew has never touched a girl's breast before, much less had sex but you'd be surprised. Considering his three friends were excellent wingmen, he's had his share of bed-mates.

"Oh, Merlin," he muttered, slowing his broom down as he turned to face me. "Er...I don't know. The couch?"

We could hear the crickets after he spoke. Until - "We have a winner!" James teased.

"Oh, shut up," Peter said with an embarrassing laugh, shrugging it off. "Padfoot, please answer the question before you find something else to make fun of me for."

I smirked at him, shrugging innocently. "Merlin, where do I even start," I joked.

"James' balcony?" Remus sniggered.

"What?" James cried out.

"Barcalounger in the game room?" Peter added.

"Oh, Merlin!" James whimpered.

"Broomstick," Remus spoke.

"I don't even want to know the logistics of that," James sighed.

"Great Hall table," Peter continued.

"I blocked that one out," James groaned.

"Common room floor," Remus laughed.

"Where anyone could have walked in," James mused.

"Kitchen counter," Peter added.

"Ew. I'm never eating in there again," James muttered, shaking his head.

"Nah, don't worry," I finally spoke with a grin. "Kitchen counter was in my apartment, not the Manor."

"Well, now I'm scarred for life," Remus shuddered, reminding us that he had once lived there.

"You're scarred?" James snorted. "He's apparently shagging on my balcony. That place was my sanctuary!"

"Oh, hell, it was one time," I laughed.

"With who?"

I stopped mid-air, thinking back to earlier that year.

"And I swear if you say Keegan, I'll burn my ears off," he sighed.

I froze at the name, but quickly shrugged it off. "Nah," I argued. "Some girl I picked up at Blarney's I believe. I was drunk and took a left turn into your room instead of a right into mine."

"He believes he picked her up at Blarney's," Peter snorted. "Isn't that where you pick up all your one-night stands?"

"And yet I've never actually had sex in any part of that bar," I mused.

"Yeah, but you did get a blow job in the alley from a former hooker, turned preschool teacher," Remus reminded me with a smirk.

I hesitated, a slow grin breaking out. "Ah, yes. Candy Cane was her name. Though I'm beginning to wonder if that wasn't her real name."

That earned me three blank stares. "You frighten me at times, Padfoot," James sighed, but a laugh fell from his lips.

"Oh please, you're used to this by now," I reminded, reaching out and grabbing the end of James' broomstick with a grin. He yelped as he jerked back, shooting me a look of mock irritation. "And yet you guys are still friends with me. So you should probably be questioning your sanity instead of mine."

This was the part where they all said they couldn't imagine how or it was because it made them feel better about themselves, but instead brooding silence came. I turned to look at them curiously, and saw sincere smiles on all of their faces and I knew that a joke wasn't coming. No, instead we were all beginning to realize the power of friendship.

As we all continued to get swept up in that winter sky, the chill in the air providing a foreboding sense of regret for all the mistakes we had made in the past and the heartbreak we had endured over the past few months, it hit me that while there was so much that had indeed gone wrong as James insinuated earlier, the one thing in my life I could count on was the Marauders. No matter what else was going on around us, at least we had each other.

++REMUS++

I thought that that night was the turning point for the Marauders. I thought that night was supposed to represent the friendship that had been shaky for so long. And maybe for that night, it was. But the next morning, it was clear that things were still so weird between all of us. Not just the Marauders but everyone. Once upon a time, nothing could break us. And now? I wasn't so sure anything would put us back together again.

The next two weeks went by rather quietly. And yet they may have been two of the most uncomfortable weeks our group had ever encountered.

Sirius was acting weird. Well, weirder than usual. We've been out to Blarney's a few times and yet during none of those excursions did Sirius feel up to hitting on anyone. He was clearly frustrated about something and when I hinted towards it being about Riley or Keegan, he snapped my head off. So I just let him stew. Sometimes when he got into one of his moods, it was better to let him figure it out on his own.

Peter barely showed his face around any of us. It was as if he was hiding. I'd suggest going out, and Peter would claim he was too busy with the pub. I'd suggest bringing James and Sirius to his pub, and he'd clam up and say he was doing inventory that night and he wouldn't be behind the bar. I slowly began to wonder if Peter had found a girl and was hiding her from us due to pure scrutiny. Because let's face it, we would all scrutinize.

James was…well, in short, he was angry. He was angry at himself, he was angry at Riley, at Drew and Dezzy, and Lance and the rest of the Gilmores, and he was angry at the world. He was slowly trying to get over all of that (and I think one day he'll get there) by going out to Blarney's with us and participating in Friday Night Dinner and being the first one to show up at Corner Joe's on Sundays. He had had a life he had been proud of and he knew that he had disrupted all of that by letting Lily go. And slowly, very slowly, I think he was back to being the man I had once respected and appreciated. I just hoped he would be able to respect and appreciate himself one day.

Speaking of Lily… I hadn't spoken or seen her since I had gone to tell her about Kay and Lance. Every time I knocked on her apartment door, she was out. Every time I stopped by work, she was in a meeting with Shane. She was becoming more and more detached from the life she had pre-James. And I hated it. Because while I may have spent a lot of time with Lily because she had been James' girlfriend, I had always thought of her as a good friend. Clearly, she felt differently.

Kay was distant and withdrawn, choosing to skip out on Friday Night Dinner and Corner Joe's outings and spending most of her time at St. Mungo's. I had tried stopping by the hospital a few times just to see how she was doing and while she put on a brave smile, we both knew that smiling was the last thing she wanted to do. She was hurting and didn't want anyone to see.

I would never tell Kay this but I had actually stopped by the bookstore once. I wasn't completely sure why at the time. It broke my heart how much Lance had hurt Kay. So he and Drew were definitely surprised to see me. I only shared a few polite words with them before just sticking myself down in the coffee shop area to review my lab reports. I think I realized as I left that I really had just wanted to see if Lance was as broken and lost as Kay was. And it was obvious he was. I thought that would have made me feel better but it didn't.

While at the bookshop, Keegan actually dropped in as well. I often forgot that she hung out there to do work from time to time. She felt the need to apologize for keeping the secret of Riley, but I didn't harp on it. I don't know what I would have done in her situation but I can understand her feeling hesitant to mention it considering she never knew the Riley we knew. After moving past the subject of Riley, I asked Keegan how Lily was doing and wasn't surprised when she shrugged and couldn't give me a straight answer. As it turned out, it wasn't just me that Lily appeared to be avoiding.

I had no idea what was going on with Riley. I chose to stay away from her. At first, I thought it was because I was angry at her for first leaving and then for coming back and not telling anyone. But I knew a lot of it had more to do with the fact that it was obvious Riley was happy. And what was more obvious was that the rest of us weren't. So I couldn't be around and watch her exude happiness when the people I cared more about than anything else in this world were hurting. It was unfair to me that she had been the one to leave us behind and yet she was the one that ended up happy while the rest of suffered.

As I sat on my balcony one Sunday night, a few days before Valentine's Day (a day I had been oddly dreading since Jillian walked out on me), it suddenly hit me. We weren't all just drifting apart. We weren't all just sad and disheartened over the way our lives have turned out. We weren't just all miserable. Which absolutely couldn't be denied as nearly every single one of us had lost the love of our lives at one point or another. The person that had given us the will to live and a reason to be happy was no longer around. And for a while, I had faked it. But it was a lot harder faking the will to live when it was obvious everyone else was struggling just living their own lives. And with those struggles, we were all slowly slipping apart from each other. The strong friendships we once thrived upon, needing that support to survive ourselves and our lives were somehow deteriorating. So as I sipped my beer that Sunday, the realization that hit me was a big one. It was a realization that I had been drastically suppressing for weeks now. It wasn't just our lives that would never be the same again.

Our friendships would also never be the same again.

A/N: Well, that isn't the most cheerful way to end but it IS the beginning of the end to this story. We have a lot of things that will need to be worked out as set up in this chapter - we've got Lily and Shane. What the hell is going to happen to them and what's going to happen to James when he finds out? We have Keegan and Sirius who can't seem to stay away from each other no matter how hard they try. We have Riley who is finally starting to realize how selfish she's been. We have James who is trying to figure out how he feels about Riley being back. We have Kay and Lance are heartbroken - will she ever be able to forgive him? And we have Remus who is just trying so hard to act like nothing is changing when he knows it all is. So keep on reviewing so I can keep on updating!