A/N: I was overwhelmed by all the positive reviews from the last chapter! I'm glad to be getting more into work for the Order, Peter's betrayal, more Sirius & Keegan, Shane & Lily, and of course James & Lily. I like where this story is going now - I've done a tons of edits in the past few weeks which is why this chapter has taken so long. But as always, I appreciate your patience!

Disclaimer: The very talented J.K. Rowling owns everything Harry Potter. I just own this computer where I take her ideas and run with them.

Goodbyes on the Balcony

Chapter 36: Of Revelations, Realizations, and Grief

By ByeByeBirdie

++SYDNY++

I wasn't entirely sure what I was doing there. After the Death Eaters disapparated, I had insisted on following Lily and Sirius to the hospital but Moody gave me a direct order. And who was I to refuse an order from my boss?

As I knocked, I realized that I had no idea what to say. I wasn't even entirely sure I was the right person to be relaying the news but apparently Moody thought so.

"Sydny? What are you doing here?"

I was shaken from my revelry when I realized it wasn't James who answered, but Remus. "Remus," I said, my heart slowing its rate gradually.

He cracked a smile. "It's been a while."

I could only nod.

"You here for James?"

"Yes. Well, no. I mean, yes, but I guess I'm here for you, too."

"You're babbling."

I frowned, running my hands through my hair haggardly. I tried to form the words but while my mind was screaming, my mouth remained mute. "It's…" I could only get the one word out, my bottom lip trembling apologetically.

I could see Remus' face grow white. "Sydny," he urged. "What's…what's going on?"

"It's Lily and Sirius," I whispered.

His body froze as he attempted to balance himself by grabbing ahold of the door. "What about them?" he asked in a panicked voice.

"Sydny?"

It was my turn to freeze as I glanced behind Remus' shoulder at James who was just entering the foyer. "What are you doing here? Didn't I just see you at the office like an hour ago?" he said with a teasing smile.

"Potter," I whispered, the angst in my voice quite apparent.

The smile quickly faded into a frown. We may have only known each other for three months, but I knew he could tell when something was wrong just by the tone of my voice. "What now?" he said softly, his voice strained with desperation.

I swallowed hard, glancing towards Remus whose expression was frozen with dread. "Sirius and Lily were attacked by Death Eaters earlier tonight down the street from their apartment building. They're headed to St. Mungo's now."

I could literally see James' heart breaking in front of me as his face clouded over with immobilized numbness. I barely acknowledged the strangled gasp that emitted from Remus' lips as I stared at James sullenly. "How bad?" Remus choked out.

My eyes still rested on James who was frozen in angst, as if he had been petrified. I frowned sullenly as I turned to face Remus. "I don't know," I admitted in a hoarse whisper. "They were both unconscious by the time we got there but that's all I know at this time."

They both looked like they had the wind knocked out of them, neither of them fighting to say anything as they stared off into the distance like deer in headlights. Eventually, James turned to look at me stoically, a deep sigh escaping his lips. "Thank you, Sydny," he muttered mechanically, slowly turning around to walk back out of the foyer.

I blinked, my brow furrowing in confusion. I turned to look at Remus, who was staring after James in sheer disbelief. "What the hell?" he muttered, confusion resting in his expression.

"You took the words right out of my mouth," I sighed. Without even waiting for an invitation, I entered the house and followed after James.

"Er, Sydny, is that such a good-"

"Remus," I interrupted, turning back to glance at him. "Go to St. Mungo's. I'll straighten James out."

He frowned. "It doesn't seem like he wants to be straightened out."

I met Remus' concerned gaze and nodded knowingly. "I know," I spoke softly. "But I'm going to at least try."

I turned around and headed back towards where James disappeared off to but halted at Remus' next words.

"We knew this was going to happen," he reminded me.

I hesitated, slowly turning around to face him. "We didn't know it would be so soon," I pointed out as a lame way of trying to comfort him.

"Still," Remus sighed, "We knew. We…we knew."

"They're going to be fine," I spoke softly, though I couldn't be entirely sure about that. I neglected to point out that if we had arrived at the scene only a few minutes later, there would have been a very good chance they wouldn't have been fine.

"You don't know that."

I frowned, knowing he was right.

"When is this all going to stop?"

The agony in his voice was unmistakable. As I met his gaze, I was aware that I had never felt so wildly helpless before. I wanted to be able to provide him with words of comfort. I wanted to be able to give him an obvious answer. I wanted to be able to put a smile on his face. Instead, all I could say was, "I wish I knew, Remus."

He frowned, leaning up against the door wearily. "Be careful with James," he said softly. "He might not show it, but he's fragile right now."

Believe me, I knew. "Okay," I spoke as I went to search for James. I heard the door shut behind me and a popping noise quickly followed so I can only gather that Remus either apparated to St. Mungo's or over to someone else's place to inform them of the heartbreaking news.

I found James sitting curled up in an Adirondack chair in his backyard. He was staring off into the dark forest, not making any acknowledgement towards me as I came up behind him. "James-"

He cut me off almost immediately. "Please don't," he whispered hoarsely, shaking his head. "Please just…just don't say anything. For once, please just…please."

The desperate vulnerability in his voice struck a chord in me. I had never felt more compassion and sympathy towards a single person in my entire life than I did towards James in that moment. And that included myself after finding out about my father's deep betrayal. "Alright," I said softly. But if he thought I was going to disappear and let him wallow in self-pity alone, he was crazy. I perched on an Adirondack chair beside him, glancing out into the backyard that probably held so many memories for James. The only memory that came to mind for me was New Year's Eve when we were forced to fight Death Eaters.

I glanced over at James periodically and was disheartened to find that his expression remained rather indifferent as we sat in silence. I had no idea what was running through his mind (nor did I particularly want to know) but I could tell he was feeling completely lost.

"I can't save them, can I?"

I jumped at the sound of his voice nearly a half hour later. "What?"

"No matter what I do or say to attempt to handle the situation, he's going to continue going after them. I-I can't protect her, can I? I'll…I'll never be able to protect her. Never."

He sounded so wildly different than the guy I had come to know. Here was this naked vulnerability that showed all of the pain and angst he had grown up with when for so long, he pretended that he had control over what happened. But he didn't. And he's only now just realizing that no matter how many times we all told him he couldn't control the future. He could only control how he lived in it. "I wish you could, James," I whispered sympathetically. "But no, there's nothing you can do or say that will make Voldemort back off except the one thing he wants. And I'll be damned if I'm going to let you go down like your brother did."

He turned to face me, the defeat evident in his eyes. He didn't say anything immediately, his expression growing increasingly curious as he stared at me. A pensive expression formed on his face, his lips growing thin. "No, there's one other thing I can do," he finally said hesitantly.

"What's that?"

His expression changed immediately from apathy to determination, a new fire blazing in his eyes as his cheeks flushed with intense vigor. His frown filled with such an eager intensity I had never seen before from him as he met my gaze. "I can fight like hell to make sure the son of a bitch is fucking destroyed."

A strong sense of pride filled me up inside. For so long, he had become defeated and worn out and somewhere along the lines, his job became a sort of routine for him instead of the one thing he could count on and the one thing he could truly be passionate for. He did the work because it was expected of him, not because he wanted to. But now, I could see in his eyes that he was going to do all it took to get his life back on track and he wasn't about to allow Voldemort stand in the way any longer. "Fighting like hell is the only way we'll beat him," I encouraged with a smile.

"If we ever do," he muttered.

"We will," I urged, though I wasn't entirely convinced of the words. "We have to believe we will."

"He's not going to get away with this anymore," he spoke, his fists clenching with determination. "He can't…he can't do this. Not to Lily, not to Sirius, not to me. He doesn't get to run my life anymore."

I seriously wanted to reach out and embrace him, so incredibly grateful that he was finally understanding what needed to be done. And wallowing in self-pity and pushing away the peopled he loved wasn't it. "Then prove it," I spoke with a smile.

He met my gaze. "I've…I've really fucked things up, haven't I?"

I frowned knowingly. "You can fix it."

He didn't respond but I hadn't expected him to. "C'mon, James," I urged, "Let's get to the hospital."

The determination in his eyes turned hesitant. "I don't think she'd want me there," he murmured, letting out a deep sigh.

I knew who he was referring to. "What about Sirius? I'm pretty sure he would."

He met my gaze. "I don't know," he said softly. "He's not too pleased with me right now either."

I frowned, not bothering to ask why. "Well, what about you? What do you want?"

The angst in his eyes was instantly recognizable. "I want to know they'll be okay," he whispered.

My frown deepened. "Only one way to find out."

He turned to me and sighed. Slowly, he climbed up off the Adirondack chair, his gaze once again resting upon the horizon in the distance. "How do you always know what to say, Lafevre?"

Because I've been there. "I'm brilliantly perceptive, that's how," I teased, getting up off my own chair.

I was surprised and yet grateful to see a tiny smile creeping on to his face. "Perceptive, perhaps," he mused, heading back into the house. "But brilliant? Eh, I'm still on the fence about that one."

"Uh, my record of Death Eaters I've sent to Azkaban speaks for itself."

"Wyatt did all the work!"

I scowled. "He may have had the plans and the schemes, but I did the capturing!"

"Which you wouldn't have been able to do without the plans and the schemes."

"I really hate you."

"I know."

++KAY++

When I strolled out of the break room into the lobby, I knew immediately something bad had happened. Everyone was there. And I mean everyone. Maya Potter was barking at the reception desk, Albus Dumbledore and Alastor Moody were mid-conversation with a few of our most renowned Healers, Remus and Peter were pacing the floor muttering under their breath to each other, Shane was unknowingly tearing off pages from a magazine in his hand while staring at the clock, Sydny was sitting calmly on a plastic chair looking curiously over at Dumbledore and Moody, Fabian was fussing with a piece of gauze strapped against his forehead and chatting irritably with Frank and Alice who were holding on to each other for dear life, Dezzy's head rested comfortably against Drew's shoulder, James was slumped against the wall in the far corner his eyes gazing remorsefully at Shane, Lily's boss was standing beside Shane with his arms crossed over his chest, but it was Lance and Riley who my eyes finally rested on. They were both clearly ignorant to the glares they were continually receiving from the others in the room. His arm was wrapped around Riley's shoulders as they sat stiffly on a wooden bench across from Shane. Even now, his loyalties clearly lied with Riley.

"What's going on?" my voice spoke out, a quick search of the room instinctively telling me that it had to be Lily, Sirius, and/or Keegan who was lying in a hospital room somewhere.

The room grew silent as they all turned to me. My eyes instinctively sought out Healer Robards and McLoughlin standing beside Dumbledore and Moody, but it was Remus who finally broke the silence. "There was an attack in Godric's Hollow tonight," he whispered, slowly making his way over to me. "On Lily and Sirius."

My face grew pale as I stared into his concerned eyes. "Are…are they going to be okay?" I asked, knowing the answer before I even asked.

"We can't be sure," Healer Robards spoke out with a frown. "But we're going to do everything we can to save them."

"What can I do?"

"Stay here," he spoke, reassurance emanating from his voice. "Be with your friends. You're off-duty, Richards. We'll give you updates as soon as we know anything."

I wanted to ask what happened to them and what they needed to be restored back to health, but the words never came. I merely nodded, blinking away the tears that started to form. Lily was one of the few people I had left in the world who I could trust. I couldn't lose her.

I was grateful when I felt Remus' arms take hold of me, embracing me tightly. I let the tears slip down my cheeks as I hugged him close to me. "Tell me they're going to be okay," I whispered.

He didn't say anything. But I was okay with that because I would have known it was a lie.

++KEEGAN++

Numb. That's all I felt after Remus left.

Lily and Sirius were attacked.

Why the hell do these attacks seem like a regular occurrence around here?

Oh, right. Because every single person I had become close to are members of a dangerous Voldemort-hunting organization where death and destruction is forced to follow them around.

I almost wish I had never learned about the Order. I'd much rather be in the dark about that. At least then I didn't have to worry all the damned time about them all.

Unfortunately that didn't stop me from worrying about Lily and Sirius in that moment.

As I paced around my kitchen with the bottle of Ogden's in my hand, I prayed for their safety. I prayed that they would wake up. I couldn't deal with losing someone else I cared about. The two of them had grown to be two of my closest confidantes and I wasn't ready to give them up.

Lily had always been there for me even when I pushed her away or kept secrets from her. She was the best friend I never thought I wanted. She had been more than a roommate and I was always grateful for her company, whether I needed a distraction from whatever bullshit was going on in my life or I needed someone to have a deep conversation with.

Fuck, speaking of deep conversations...

One minute I hated Sirius Black. The next minute, we were spilling our darkest secrets to each other. Then we were sleeping together. Next, the bloody bastard asked me out. And now...well, hell if I know what the hell we were. We weren't friends. Hell, I don't think we were ever really friends. But we weren't enemies. Or acquaintances. Or next-door neighbors. No, we fell somewhere in between all of that but I hadn't a clue what it was. Maybe that was easier. The guys certainly knew how to push my buttons. The frustration grew within me as I recalled the last conversation we shared on Valentine's Day. It started out fine. Weird, yes. But fine. And it just spiraled into a loud yelling match where he accused me of things and I accused him right back.

Suddenly, the Ogden's slipped from my hands and shattered against the ground as my last words to Sirius suddenly came spiraling towards me.

"The only dead guy you're allowed to speak of is you when I'm through with you."

I couldn't recall the last time I had ever really cried, but in that moment I fell on to the kitchen floor and succumbed to my tears.

++SHANE++

I had never been more terrified in my entire life. No one seemed to know anything. Or if they did, they weren't keeping us informed. It was unreal that earlier that day we had been sneaking kisses in my office. How could I be so happy in one minute and in the next, my heart felt like it was being ripped from my chest?

It didn't help to watch the swarms of people who cared for Lily and Sirius comfort each other around me. I weirdly felt like an outcast as I felt James' brooding stare on me and I noticed Remus' curious eyes follow me from across the room. I was oddly grateful that Nyger was there as he appeared to be the only person there who was supporting me through this difficult time. He was the one who had notified me of the attack on Lily after having been informed by Moody in the elevators at the Ministry. I wondered if he knew of my relationship with Lily even though we had tried to keep it under wraps.

It was nearing midnight when Kay separated herself from Remus and Peter and made her way over to me. She glanced up towards Nyger hesitantly which he apparently took as a hint to scram. "Er…I'm going to see if I can grab a cup of coffee," he said before whisking off.

Kay took a seat beside me, glancing cautiously up at me. "Lily told me about you two last week," she blurted out.

I nodded. Lily had told me that she had. "I know."

She turned away from me, her eyes instinctively falling upon Lance and Riley in the corner. "You make her really happy, Shane," she said softly. "That's all any of us want for each other."

It was my turn to look surreptitiously over at Kay's ex-fiancé. "Do you still love him?"

I cringed as the question came spilling from my mouth realizing it wasn't my place to ask that question to a girl I hadn't spent much time with. Thankfully, Kay didn't think anything of it. "I think a part of me will always love him," she murmured. "He was…well, he was my first love. He taught me what it meant to love and he showed me what it felt like to be loved. It's going to take more than a few weeks for me to get over that."

I hesitated. "Can I ask you something that's probably completely out of line?"

She smirked. "What about the one you just asked?"

I chuckled guiltily. "Sorry."

She shrugged. "But go ahead."

I glanced towards her hesitantly. "You…you said it was going to take more than a few weeks to get over him, yes?"

She nodded, her eyes narrowing curiously.

"Do you even really want to get over him?" I blurted out, my heart skipping a beat at the invasive question.

She froze, her mouth dropping open slightly. "It's not about what I want," she murmured. "It's about what I need."

"And you need to get over-"

"I don't know how much Lily has told you, Shane, but what happened between us wasn't just some lover's quarrel. It…it was much bigger than that. And every time I start missing him and consider the idea of forgiving him, I remember what he did and thoughts of forgiveness are impossible. So do I want to get over him? Of course not because he's the only man I've ever loved. But I need to get over him because in the end, he's not the same man I fell in love with."

As she spoke, my thoughts immediately wandered to Lily and James. My gaze relocated from Lance to James, who was now attempting to listen to whatever it was Sydny was trying to say to him but it was obvious he wasn't able to concentrate. "Good answer," I said sincerely, pushing thoughts of James quickly from my mind. "I'm…I'm going to go see if I can find out some information on Lily."

"Here, let me," she urged, resting her hand on my arm. "I could probably get more information out of the Healers anyway."

I nodded. "Thanks, Kay."

She slowly stood up from the bench, a hesitant gaze resting on her face as she turned to face me. "I know how awkward this must be for you, Shane," she said softly, "Being around all of us, I mean. Especially James. I-I hope you know that if you need anything, I'm here for you."

Even when I felt so awful and distraught, her words gave me some sort of comfort. I smiled gratefully as she walked off.

"Well, St. Mungo's officially perpetuates the stereotype that hospitals are expected to serve horrible, lukewarm coffee."

I glanced towards Nyger who handed me a cup of coffee. "Well, gee, that makes me super excited to drink this," I drawled sarcastically, forcing a smile out to my boss.

He cracked a smile. "Are you planning on camping out here all night?"

I shrugged. Of course I was. "Probably. I-I just want to make sure she's alright."

He gazed at me curiously, scrutiny gleaming in his eye. "You're a good friend to her, Shane."

The way he said it made me believe he definitely knew I was more than her friend. I neglected to respond, taking a sip of the watered-down coffee.

"Can I ask you something?" Nyger spoke.

I nodded, glancing back up at him.

"Do you know why Lily chose not to submit an application for the position in the Philadelphia office?"

I froze, not expecting that question. "Er…"

He shrugged, unfazed by my hesitation. "She wouldn't tell me much, but it was rather mystifying to me."

"Mystifying?" I questioned.

He sipped his coffee before saying, "Yeah. I mean, she was the one who came to me asking about job openings in other Ministries. I handed her the perfect opportunity and two weeks later, she told me she was no longer interested. As her friend, I was hoping you might have some insight on the-"

"Wait," I interrupted, sitting upright as I swiveled my head to stare at him. "What do you mean she came to you asking about job openings?"

He shrugged. "Just that. She said she was looking for a change and needed to get away from England for a while so she could figure out herself and her life. I'm not an idiot. I recognized it was around the same time she and that boyfriend of hers broke up, but I applauded her for finding the courage to talk to me. I had just heard about Sonny Hollowitz retiring and I knew she'd be perfect. I provided her with all of the information she would need to move forward with an application, but when I spoke to the Head of their Department, he said he never received an application from a Lily Evans. When I went to ask her about it, she simply said she had had a change of heart and wanted to stay in London," he explained further. "I can understand getting cold feet but when I tried explaining the benefits of this great new career opportunity, she wouldn't listen."

I had pretty much stopped listening after the first couple of sentences. I just kept reiterating the fact that Lily had gone to see him and not the other way around like she had informed me. She lied to me. For the first time in our entire friendship that I knew of, she had lied to me. And I didn't know why.

No, what was worse was that I did know why. I just didn't want to admit it to myself.

++JAMES++

I was fighting a losing battle with myself. Torn between fury and despair with the world. My heart had become merely a shell of cavities and veins, the emotions that once rested there now depleted to nothing. I was sick with pain, a sort of numbness cooling my body and soul as I tried not to think about the numerous possibilities that wouldn't end up in our favor. My best friend and the girl I was madly in love with were unconscious in hospital beds and I had no way of helping them. I'll never have any way of helping them. I tried helping and it ended up a complete failure. My life had become a failure. And what was worse is that I couldn't even blame it all on Voldemort anymore. No, I did this. I helped spiral everything out of control. I had gotten so caught up in the tragedies and heartbreak around me that I let it push everyone around me away. And now I no longer had any way of knowing which end was up and which was down. It had somehow all been rolled together into one discombobulating jumble of a mess. A mess in which I wasn't so sure would ever be privy to the cleanup I wished upon it.

If I believed in karma, I would have been spouting ridiculous notions over the fact that this is what I deserved for breaking Lily's heart and hanging out with Riley lately. But I don't believe in karma. Because frankly if I did, something good would have happened to me by now for all the shit I've had to deal with.

At some point during the evening (I had lost track much earlier in the night – it could have been ten o'clock at night or it could have been six o'clock in the morning for all I knew), the furious whispers between Kay and the two Healers assigned to Sirius and Lily caught my ear even though they were concealed by a corridor wall.

"You have to have better news than this, Gawain," Kay's voice trembled. "Please tell me something. Anything."

"I've told you all I know, Kay," a voice spoke back. "I wish there was something more that I could do, but you know as well as I do that head injuries can't always be fixed by magic."

"The person has to want to be healed in order to wake up," a deeper voice spoke. "Once she wakes up, we'll be able to pinpoint the exact injuries she has accumulated in order to heal her back to full health. But until then, we just have to wait."

Kay murmured something under her breath and next thing I knew, I heard footsteps fading away. I don't remember doing it, but somehow my feet carried themselves around the corner towards Kay. "What's going on, Kay?" I asked, my heart literally ripping inside my chest. "Is Lily not…" I couldn't even get the words out.

She turned around to meet my gaze, the tears resting in pools in her eyelids. "Sirius will be fine," she whispered. "He just woke up and they're just pumping him full of all the necessary potions to stabilize him. He's under a heavy sedation potion right now."

I should have felt relieved, but based on the conversation I had just overheard, Lily wasn't going to be so lucky. "And Lily?" I croaked out.

She didn't respond immediately, eventually shaking her head and shrugging simultaneously. "They don't know," she murmured in a hoarse whisper. "They've helped her as best they can up to this point. Now she just…" She couldn't even get the words out as the tears began slipping down her cheeks. She hastily wiped them away, clearly afraid that if she started crying she might never stop.

"Has to wake up," I finished numbly.

Her bottom lip trembled as she nodded.

"Can…can I see her, Kay?" I dared to ask, my voice full of desperation.

As she met my gaze, I saw a flicker of hard determination in her eyes. "Why would you ask me that?" she murmured, slowly shaking her head. "Why wouldn't you ask me if you could see Sirius?"

I didn't have a good response for that.

She sighed. "No, James," she muttered. "You can't see her. If anyone gets to see her, it should be Shane."

Ouch.

"You broke up with her, James," she snapped, her voice slowly rising. "You told her you didn't love her anymore. Do you remember that? Do you remember letting her slip away from you, James? Do you remember breaking her heart? You don't get to come in here and ask probing questions about how she's doing and if you can see her. No, James. You don't get to see her. Because hell, she wouldn't want you to see her after what you did!"

And now everyone was staring at us. Awesome.

"Kay," I said softly, my tone growing rigid. "We might have broken up but that does not mean that I still don't care very much for her. You are standing here telling me that she might not wake up and you really think I'm not going to ask probing questions? Fine, don't let me see her. But you cannot stop me from caring. You'll never be able to take that away from me."

"Wait, she might not wake up?"

I cringed as Remus froze behind me. I slowly turned around to stare at him. To stare at everyone. The waiting room had grown eerily quiet as I watched the expressions on everyone's faces grow grim.

I sighed. "Ask Kay," I muttered before whirling around and heading down the corridor away from my friends and family. I didn't want to be around anyone right now. Kay had been right. Who was I to hover over Lily after what I did? She didn't want anything to do with me anymore. I was probably the last person she wanted to see if she woke up. When she woke up.

She had to wake up. She just had to. I couldn't live with myself knowing that the reason for her being in that bed was directly correlated to me.

I tried to protect her. I tried to save her. I tried to do anything I could to keep her out of Voldemort's sights. And it did no good. He still went after her. So what did that make me?

A fool. A fool to believe I could ever deceive an unfortunate mastermind such as Voldemort. A fool for believing letting Lily go was my only option. A fool for being so afraid of what might happen to Lily that I let that fear take over every inch of my mind and of my life. A fool for pushing the people I cared most about away so I could live with my fear and anxieties alone. But what good did that do except cause me more fear and anxiety?

My life was a complete whirlwind. A rollercoaster of jumbled emotions. But that hadn't happened recently. It happened from the moment Wyatt left home. Every day had always been a struggle to keep afloat. And when Lily entered my life, that struggle somehow became easier to manage. Loving her and knowing I was loved by her had once made me realize how valuable love can really be. It may not be enough to keep the tragedies from striking but being with her somehow gave me the strength and the will to continue fighting for my life. I had taken advantage of that for so many years, inevitably using her as some sort of crutch as I pretended to reassemble my life into something that could be even remotely bearable. But all I ever did was hide behind her. As if having her was the same as loving her. It should have been, but for so long I just believed that having her in my life was enough. That if she loved me, she would stick by me through anything. Which she did. She always did. But I never extended the same courtesy back. I used her as my will to survive but didn't ever think that maybe she, too, sometimes needed a shoulder to cry on. That maybe there were times she didn't want to force out a smile and tell me everything was going to be okay. She was always the strong one. Because I forced her to be. And she had never asked for anything in return except for me to love her.

And I failed her at that. All this time, I didn't appreciate how much love could transcend everything else going on in my life. Even with everything that has happened to me, she had always been the reason that I could get up in the morning and go to work. She made the suffering in my life easier to cope with. She gave my life meaning. She was my rock. My everything. My savior. And how did I repay her for essentially saving my life?

I told her I didn't love her.

And where has it gotten her except in a hospital bed?

Fuck, I really was a fool.

++REMUS++

Kay had quickly disappeared only minutes after James had walked off. I tried talking to Kay, tried getting some answers, but she was clearly in no way able to hold any conversation until she attempted to collect herself. So I let her go and instead attempted to go find James.

I found him in the courtyard of the hospital, his eyes glazed over with vacant disappointment. He barely glanced up at me as I sat down beside him on the bench. I didn't say anything and I could tell James was grateful.

"It's sad when the hospital staff knows me by name," James eventually murmured.

I could have sworn I saw tears glistening in my best friend's eyes.

"She has to wake up," he whispered, his voice choking up. "She just has to, Remus. I can't lose her."

I hesitated, saying the one thing he probably didn't want to hear. "You kinda already lost her," I said softly.

He frowned. "I know," he said rather adamantly, his gaze growing desperate. "And that's why she has to wake up."

"What?"

His bottom lip trembled vulnerably. "She thinks I hate her," he whispered, his voice hoarse and rough. "She thinks I fell out of love with her. She thinks I don't want to be with her."

"James-"

"She thinks I don't love her!" he cried out in a choked sob, ignoring the single tear that escaped from his eyes. He shut his eyes tightly. "I broke her heart under the assumption that things would get better for her. I thought I was doing it for her. But now? I-I don't know what to believe. I just know that if…if she doesn't wake up, she'll never…she won't…she won't know the truth."

I sighed, wondering why this remorse hadn't erupted sooner.

"Remus," he spoke softly, finally looking at me. "She…she can't die without knowing that I never stopped loving her. Never."

Why couldn't he have realized this before he made the biggest mistake of his life by breaking up with her? Sometimes I really wanted to throttle James Potter for always trying to be a martyr.

"You were the one who made her think that, James," I reminded him.

He placed his head in his hands woefully, emitting an angst-ridden sigh. "I know," he whispered.

I didn't say anything, placing my hand hesitantly on his shoulder in an attempt to calm him down. He stiffened at my touch, slowly letting his eyes flutter open as he turned to look at me. There was such pain in his eyes. Pain beyond his years. "You don't know what this feels like, Remus," he whispered. "You don't know what it's like to…to wonder if the love of your life is going to live or…or die. You don't know what it's like to be told that…" He stopped short, the words catching in his throat. He swallowed hard, blinking fast. "That she may never wake up."

"James-"

"She still is the love of my life," he continued frantically, as if talking was the only way for him not to break out into uncontrollable sobs. "She always will be. She's still the girl I dream about at night and she's still the girl that's on my mind every minute of every day. I thought I was doing a noble thing when I let her go but that didn't make it easier. I miss her. Every day, I miss her. And what's worse is that I don't deserve her. Those last couple of months, I distanced myself from her and pushed her away. I know I did even when I tried convincing all of you, hell even me, that I wasn't. I pretended not to care when really, I cared more about her than I ever thought I could. I still do. I always will. I'll fight for her. For us. I don't care about what Voldemort's plans are anymore. This is my life. Voldemort can't have it. He can't have her. I need her. Every day, I need her. She's my…my everything," he whispered, his voice breaking. "What if…if I don't get the chance to tell her any of this? What if…" he trailed off, unable to even form the words he was too afraid to say aloud.

I frowned at my friend whose heart was literally being torn to shreds right in front of me. I had never seen him like this. Even when Brite or JT died. When Wyatt left or when he returned. When his father left or when he died. Even with Riley left, James was able to keep most of himself together if even in a completely fake manner (mostly for Sirius), but now, James was falling apart in front of my very eyes. And I wasn't so sure he'd ever be able to be put back together. "James, what would you even say to Lily if she were to wake up?"

He froze, lifting his head out of his hand to gaze up at me. "I don't know," he whispered. "There's nothing I can say to her that would ever get her to forgive me. But…"

"But?"

He blinked, slowly turning away from me as he stared through the window to the hustle and bustle of the hospital lobby. He didn't say anything right away, his thoughts clearly still immersed with Lily. Slowly, he turned to face me, a stoic expression evident on his face. "If she gets another chance to live, maybe I should give myself the same chance."

I let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding, smiling at the prolific words. I didn't know if telling Lily was brave or just asking for a death wish but whichever it was, I didn't say anything. In the end, there wasn't anything else to say.

All there was left to do was pray that Lily made it out alive.

++KAY++

There was a small break room on the third floor that very few Healers and mediwitches bothered with because it was in the "Dangerous" Dai Llewellyn wing and it was hard being there listening to the screams and painful moans from patients. It's where I often went when I needed to be alone. And I couldn't remember another time that I needed to be alone more than I did at that moment.

I slipped on to the couch, trying to catch my shallow breaths as I felt the tears overwhelm me. Before I could stop myself, the sobs were escaping my mouth as I bawled into my hands and prayed that Lily would wake up. I needed her. She was my best friend. One of my only friends now. She has been there for me through everything. What was I supposed to do without her? I had already lost Riley, then Lance. Now this? I wasn't so sure I could take anymore. I was teetering on the edge of falling apart and I needed Lily to wake up to keep some semblance of my sanity.

The sound of my weeping drowned out the creaking open of the door and the footsteps.

"Kay."

My entire body froze as I slowly turned around and met the gaze of my ex-fiancé. I tried opening my mouth to say something, anything, but nothing would come out.

"I thought I might find you here," he spoke softly, taking a step into the room and shutting the door behind him.

"Please just go away," I croaked out, shaking my head as I turned away from the concern in his eyes. Hastily, I swiped the tears still stained on my cheeks in hopes of keeping any more from falling but it appeared that having Lance in my vicinity just made it worse.

Silence followed. Until – "I know how you must be feeling, Kay, and I-"

"Please don't," I cut off, shooting a glare over my shoulder at him. I didn't even care that my face probably looked like a complete splotchy mess. "You don't know how I'm feeling, Lance. You apparently can't seem to ever understand my feelings so please don't pretend like you understand now."

He shook his head, pleading, "I know you're hurting."

"Because my entire world is falling apart around me, Lance!" I blurted out (probably a tad overdramatically), as I glared at him with intense anger. "Everything I once had is slipping through my fingers. I thought I had it all. I did have it all. But what do I have now? A prayer that Lily will make it out alright? What's that supposed to get me?"

"Kay-"

"She has to wake up," I continued frantically, shaking my head in pure denial. "She has to wake up because she's all I have left."

A brooding frown slowly appeared on his face. "You may not want me, but you have me," he said softly.

For some reason, that just made me angrier. "You don't get it," I whispered, slumping down on to the couch as the tears threatened to spill out once again. "You don't get it or you wouldn't have…" I trailed off, not wanting to get into it. It wasn't the time to do so. It was about Sirius and Lily, not me.

He neglected to notice my active desire not to bring it up. "I didn't know what else to do, Kay," he whispered. "She's my sister."

"I really wish you'd quit saying that," I whispered hoarsely. "It doesn't change what happened."

He took another hesitant step into the room as I tried desperately to keep my eyes off of him. "Kay," he said softly as if he was about to say something I wouldn't want to hear. "I didn't want to have to choose between you and my sister. Just like you hadn't wanted to choose between me and her back in Hogwarts when we first broke up."

The tears froze in my eyelids as his words seeped into my mind. Slowly, I gazed up at him incredulously. "You think this is even remotely the same thing?" I scoffed, my voice deep with aggression. "I never lied to you, Lance! I never kept secrets from you. I just-"

"No, we just kept them from everyone else."

The anger was filling me up inside so fast I had to clench my fists in fear of reaching for my wand. I climbed off the couch to face him and he took a step back, probably because the rage blazing in my eyes was not something he was used to. "I broke up with you back then because I felt as if I had no other choice. I had barely known you at the time! And Riley had been my best friend for nearly seven years. I didn't have any other option if I wanted to keep my friendship," I snapped, shrugging irritably. "Although looking back apparently I was the only one of us who actually cared about that friendship," I added as a sidenote.

"Kay, don't-"

"So yes, I chose Riley at the time," I continued, refusing to hear another word Lance had to say. "But that was four years ago! You and I weren't engaged! We hadn't started planning our lives together! And Riley had actually been a good friend back then! But now? She left, Lance! She walked away without a goodbye or an explanation! She left us! She doesn't get to come back and stir everything up again! And you let her do that!"

"Kay, please just-"

"Please nothing!" I shouted. I was convinced that the patients in the Dai Llewellyn wing were probably frightened for their lives more now than they had been prior to this screaming match. "We…we were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together," I choked out, the angry tears now rushing to my eyes. "But how the hell am I supposed to do that with someone who kept a secret from me for ten months?"

The last sentence came out in a hoarse whisper, one filled with so much agony and pain. I had trusted Lance. I had given him everything and he let me down. He let me down more than anyone else ever had, and that included Riley.

He hung his head shamefully. "I-I know I kept it a secret and I've been making excuses as to why it was the right thing to do at the time, but truth is, I-I wanted it all. I wanted my sister and I wanted you. And I didn't know how to keep you both once the secret was out. So I…I let her convince me to keep the truth hidden," he spoke, remorse dripping from his every word. "But how was that any different from what we had done in the beginning of our relationship? You and I kept our relationship a secret from Riley and…and she found out in an unfortunate way. And now, she and I kept-"

"Are you even listening to yourself?" I sneered. "You're really trying to compare the two situations as a way of…of what? Making me feel like a hypocrite?"

"I'm not trying to do anything but explain."

"I don't want your explanations, Lance!" I cried out, my voice breaking. I had to choke back the sobs that once again escaped. "I just want…I just…" I couldn't even finish that sentence. There was too much I wanted and I didn't have the energy to spell it out.

"You just want what?" he whispered.

I just want you. The thought hit me like a ton of bricks as I realized that in that moment – that moment where I was filled with worry over Lily lying unconscious in a hospital bed – all I really wanted was for Lance's arms to be around me to make me feel comforted and safe and his words telling me that everything is going to be okay, the same way he always had done for me in the past when something bad had happened.

Before I could stop myself, the tears were streaming down my face in gulping sobs and I had to draw my hands up to my face as an attempt to subside them. In a mere second, I felt Lance wrap his arms around my shoulders as he drew me close to his chest. I didn't struggle against him. Instead, I fell into his touch, letting the sobs overtake me as I ignored the painful aching in my heart at the reminder of the people we used to be together. I cried for Sirius and I cried for Lily. I cried for the end of my relationship and I cried for the way things used to be. I cried for Shane and James who were both so broken up about what might happen to Lily. I cried for the others pacing around the waiting area as they waited to hear news on Lily and Sirius. But mostly, I cried for myself and for everything I had lost.

And the entire time, Lance didn't say a word. He merely held me close and let me cry, saying nothing and doing nothing.

Eventually the sobs did subside and the tears eased up. I didn't pull away from him immediately, just wanting to feel safe once again. But I couldn't stay in his arms forever. I slowly pulled back, wiping my tear-stained cheeks as I gazed up at him remorsefully and answered his previous question. "I just want to go back to the time right before Riley left. When we were all happy and our lives felt complete," I whispered defeatedly.

He frowned knowingly as he took a step back from me.

"When Riley left, everything started falling apart. It was her abandonment that started us all down a road of uncertainty and defeat," I continued softly, running my fingers through my natty hair. "First with Sirius obviously. He…he's never been the same since Riley walked out on him. And then somewhere down the road, sometime after Jaron was killed, James began losing himself. And…and he's not the same person he was back in Hogwarts. Remus lost all hope in the world after Jillian walked out on him. And next was…was Lily," I stuttered, a quick flash of her unconscious in that hospital bed running through my mind. "She only ever felt like a somebody with James by her side and now…I know she's feeling lost."

When I gazed up at him, I saw such desolation in his eyes. But it was nothing compared to what my eyes had to say. "It was as if we were the only ones left, Lance," I continued, my bottom lip trembling. "You and I held it together through all of the tragedies life has thrown our way and our friends' way. With you, I didn't have to worry about falling apart or losing myself. And I-I realize how ridiculous it is to blame Riley for everyone else's downfalls, but to me, it's where the beginning of the end all started."

I could practically see his heart breaking in front of me with every word I spoke. "After all of the heartache and tragedy we've both seen throughout the past four years, I thought we could get through anything," I whispered, turning my gaze away from him immediately so as to finish what I had to say. "But to find out you were sneaking around with the girl who started this downward spiral was more hurtful than I think you even realize. The heartache and tragedy all started with Riley. So what hurts more than the betrayal of it all is the fact that you never once stopped to realize what Riley's disappearance really meant to us." As I found the courage to once again look up at him, I felt a tear slide down my cheek. "To me."

His eyes suddenly grew frantic. "I'm sorry, Kay. I'm so sorry," he whispered hastily. "I-I didn't even begin to think about how this might play out in the end. I-I was being a complete idiot. An idiot who was just trying to ignore the elephant in the room because that was easier than dealing with the truth and drama of it all. Easier, yes. But I know now that it wasn't better. I-I just…I was being naïve and I just wanted everything to be okay if even for a little while."

"Things aren't okay, Lance," I muttered, shaking my head. "Far from it."

"I know. That's what I was afraid of."

I blinked away the tears yet again. "You did this," I whispered hoarsely. "You brought this on yourself. You chose Riley months ago over all of us and you can't change that now."

"I know that," he whispered. "I know I can't change what happened. I-I can own my mistakes, Kay."

My lips pursed. "Own it all you want, Lance. It doesn't change-"

"I know it doesn't change anything but what also hasn't changed is how much I love you. I'll do anything for you. Anything you want. I-I can't be without you. I'm…I'm just so sorry it took me losing you to realize how much I need you in my life. I know what I did. But that doesn't mean I've ever stopped loving you. Not once."

His words sounded like music to my ears. At that moment, at that vulnerable moment where I was scared for the life of my best friend and wanted someone to be able to comfort me, I wanted to believe everything he was saying. I wanted him to reach out and embrace me. I wanted to feel his arms around me protecting me from all of the bad this world seemed to have to offer me. I wanted him to tell me everything was going to be okay like he always used to. I wanted to love him again.

However, I stopped listening to my heart long enough to listen to my head. Slowly, I turned my gaze away from him as I felt reality set back in. "I-I should be getting back to the waiting area."

His face fell. "That's…that's it?" he whispered. "That's all you have to say?"

"I-I've already said all I need to say to you," I said softly, shaking my head.

"Kay," he whispered, his voice breaking.

"I can't do this with you right now, Lance," I said, my own voice hitting its breaking point. "This moment shouldn't be about you and me. It should be about Lily and-"

"This moment should be about not taking life for granted," he interrupted, shooting me a look of pure desperation. "This moment should be for telling the people that you love and cherish that you will always love and cherish them because life is short and you have no idea how much longer you will actually get to spend with them."

Tears welled up in my eyes as I realized he was probably right. I neglected to tell him that, however. "You're really turning Lily's coma into something about us?" I said, shooting him a look.

He hesitated. "Is it working?"

Almost. "I-I can't do this right now," I repeated. "I should be getting back upstairs. I need to be there when…um…if Lily wakes up," I spoke, the words catching in my throat.

He frowned, letting out a deep sigh as he turned his gaze away from me. "She's going to wake up," he murmured, nodding convincingly. "Everything's going to be alright."

It was the first time he ever spoke those words to me where I wasn't so sure I could believe him.

++SIRIUS++

When I opened my eyes, my first instinct was that I was dead. But I saw Remus' head peering over me and realized I was probably wrong.

"Has anyone ever told you that you thrash around in your sleep like a madman?"

I blinked. "I'm suddenly wishing I walked towards the light."

Remus grinned, clapping me on my shoulder. "I'm really glad to see you're alright, mate."

I frowned, my heart beating about a thousand miles a minute as I ran through the events of that night. It was all a bit hazy, the words and the hexes and the jeering jumbling through my mind in one confusing catastrophes, but what froze in my mind was a swirl of red hair. "And Lily?" I whispered, the words catching in my throat.

Remus' smile faded almost immediately as he took a hesitant step back from me. He glanced over his shoulder and I noticed for the first time that Peter was standing there, too. The look shared between them made my heart sink. "Please tell me she isn't…" I couldn't even finish the words, my voice breaking.

"No," Remus was quick to defend, "She's still unconscious though. We're just waiting to see if…"

"If she wakes up," I finished, a chill running down my spine.

Remus offered me a curt nod.

I sunk into the pillow with a defeated sigh, trying to once against dissect the series of events that occurred.

Why didn't we just apparate to Blarney's?

"You can't think like that," Remus argued, making me realize I had said those words aloud.

"We knew," I muttered, shaking my head. "We knew this might happen and I…I walked her right into their master plan."

"You couldn't have known," Peter chimed in.

"But I did know!" I contested irritably. "I knew this was going to happen."

"No, you hadn't expected you'd be ambushed by a group of Death Eaters," Remus disagreed. "Did you know that they were possibly watching her? Yes. Did you know she was a target? Yes. But you didn't know that they were all going to be huddled there just waiting for you two to take a stroll down the street. You couldn't have done anything."

I didn't agree with them but knew it was futile arguing with them. "He was right, y'know," I muttered.

Remus and Peter exchanged a look. "What?"

"James," I sighed, hanging my head in defeat. "He was right. They wanted her. Not me. I was merely some ridiculous pawn, but it was her they were after. They were first trying to entice her over to the Dark Side and when it was clear she wanted nothing to do with them, they just started torturing her. Going after her. Attacking her. I tried stopping them, but there were six of them! What could I do?" The explanation came out in one long ramble as I attempted to piece together the night.

"You did all you could do, Padfoot," Peter urged.

"It clearly wasn't enough," I whispered.

"You don't know that," Remus chimed in, shooting me a look.

I rolled over in bed with a sigh, groaning at the migraine that suddenly shot through my head. "Where's James?" I muttered.

Remus frowned. "Hiding."

"From?"

He hesitated. "Mostly himself."

I blinked, glancing up at my friend. "Huh?"

"He's just so…lost I guess. Confused. His head is spinning in so many directions."

"This may be the head injury talking but I have no idea what you're trying to say."

Remus sighed, dropping down on to one of the guest chairs beside the bed. "Well, good news is he definitely realizes the mistake he made in breaking up with Lily. And now he's afraid she's going to…to not wake up," he murmured, unable to use the word 'die,' "With the belief that he didn't love her anymore. He doesn't want to live with that hanging over his head. He wants her to wake up so he can tell her he was wrong."

I let out a deep sigh. "Why couldn't he have just realized this before he dumped the best thing that ever happened to him?"

"My thoughts exactly," he muttered.

I frowned, recalling the words that Bellatrix had spoken earlier about how James breaking up with Lily was an idiot move (well, I embellished the words a bit). It was a horrible thing to do on his end but there wasn't really anything that could be done to fix it now. "He has to know that telling her might just make it worse," I pointed out.

"I know that."

I froze at the sound of James' voice, glancing towards the door.

"I know that, Sirius," he repeated. His face was white, his eyes dead of feeling. "I know that if I tell her the truth, she could hate me even more. That she probably will hate me even more for hurting her the way I did. But what choice do I have? I-I just…I feel like after all that's happened, she at least deserves the truth. I don't know if I can let anything else happen to her without her knowing that all I ever did was love her."

I frowned. "She's with Shane now, mate," I pointed out.

He glared at me. "So not the time to bring that up."

I sighed. "It is the time to bring it up," I said remorsefully. "She's happy, James. She's slowly moving on from the life she had with you. Are you sure you really want to make it that much harder for her when you were the one that forced her to try and move on in the first place?"

I felt all curious eyes on me. Even coming down from a high of potions, I could sound profound.

"I-I love her," James said softly as if that was enough.

"But you let her go," I spoke carefully.

The desperation in James' eyes was unmistakable as he met my gaze. The dead feeling in his eyes turned to deep regret. "I know I did," he whispered hoarsely, staring down at the floor as he shuffled his feet uncomfortably. "I-I just wanted her safe. It's all I've ever wanted for her. But to find out it was all for naught is just...it breaks my heart that I thought I had to break hers."

I hated kicking him when he was already down, but I couldn't help what I said next. "Do you realize that what you did to her was worse than what Riley did to me four years ago? Or what Jillian did to Remus over the summer?"

"Heh?" Remus interjected.

"Excuse me?" James reiterated dryly, shooting me a warning glare.

I sighed. "Yes, I'm always going to wonder why the hell Riley left without any sort of goodbye or explanation. And Remus is going to wonder the same-"

"Why do you keep involving me?" he whined.

"-but at least we weren't given some hurtful, outlandish lie that would crush our spirits for the rest of our lives. At least we're not going to wonder what the hell it is we did that could have possibly made the love of our life fall out of love with us. Leaving without a goodbye I can deal with. Being told that the person you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with no longer loves you is just completely unbearable."

"But that's why I have to tell her the truth!" James pointed out desperately.

"No," I said, shooting him a look. "My point is, is that she's moving on. That that unbearable life she was living is becoming bearable to her. If you go and tell her that it was all a lie, that will destroy her. Don't you get that? You already destroyed her once. Don't add to it. Don't do it again."

All three of my friends were looking at me with such intensity in their eyes. Remus looked impressed, Peter looked confused, and James just looked disheartened.

"Why are you so against me telling her the truth?" James eventually asked softly.

I frowned, uncertain where to even start. I gazed towards the window as I reminisced on everything that had occurred that year. "Since the New Year, we've already all had to deal with a lot. In the span of seven weeks, our worlds have all been turned upside down. With all of the break-ups and flings and new relationships and an ex-friend's return and attacks, is it so wrong of me to just want to go one day without any other turmoil being forced upon us?"

An eerie silence fell over my three friends as they contemplated those words. Peter reluctantly sat down in the other guest chair as James dropped on to the edge of my bed with a heavy sigh. "No," James eventually said, his voice barely audible. "It's not wrong. We all want the same thing."

"But we're never going to get it," Remus argued firmly, meeting his friend's gaze. "We can hope and pray that the tragedies are done. We can believe that the worst has already hit us. We can try to convince ourselves that we can stop the tragedies from striking. But none of it means anything. They're just empty words. Empty hopes and fake promises to ourselves. There's a war going on. And with war comes turmoil, plain and simple."

I knew he was talking explicitly to James when he was talking, but I couldn't help but realize that Remus may be the only person who has finally understood what this war really represented. For so long I thought that as long as I stayed positive, the tragedies wouldn't hurt as much. But in the end, staying positive was my way of pretending that the tragedies wouldn't strike at all. And that couldn't be further from the truth.

"Nothing about any of this is plain or simple," James snorted, shooting him a look.

"You're right," he agreed with a shrug. "But you telling Lily that you're still in love with her is just going to add fuel to the already very well-lit fire."

"You're against this, too?" James scowled.

He hesitated, clearly still on the fence about it. "I-I don't know," he murmured. "For so long I wanted you to own up to it and tell her the truth. But…well, she's with Shane now. Let her be with him, James."

"Will you all stop bringing Shane up?" James snapped, glaring at me in particular.

"We're trying to put things in perspective, James," I muttered.

"Well, stop," he murmured, shaking his head. "You guys really don't get it, do you? If you did you wouldn't keep mentioning him. Yes, I realize that this is all my fault. I realize that she's allowed to move on after what I put her through, but do you really think any of this is easy for me?" he choked out, his bottom lip trembling with anxiety. "Looking Lily in the eye and…and telling her what I did was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It broke my heart to hurt her. It broke my heart to watch her get hurt. She still means everything to me. And now to find out that none of it even made a difference because Voldemort is still going after her has literally ripped my heart into a million tiny shreds of self-doubt and regret. I-I can't take back what I did. I'm not an idiot. I realize that in a split second I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me. And nothing I say or do is going to change that. I know that. And now I have to wait to even find out if she's going to make it out alive. But…but if that wasn't bad enough - if waiting for the girl I'm madly in love with to wake up isn't already the worst feeling in the world, I have to wait in line behind some other guy who gets to hear the eventual news first. Some other guy who gets to love her and be with her. Some other guy who gets my girl."

"But, James, you-"

"I know I did this to myself!" he cried out before Remus could get out another word edgewise. "I know this is all my fault! I know I have no one to blame but myself! I know that I caused all of this to happen. I know that I did this!" His words were frantic and on the verge of hysterics. His eyes were filled with desperate guilt, his expression wild with dismay. "But that doesn't make it hurt any less!" He barked his last words, jumping off the bed and heading towards the door.

"Prongs, wait," Remus called out after him. "We're not bringing up Shane or telling you not to talk to Lily to try and hurt you. We just don't want you to…" he trailed off but I had a pretty good feeling what he was about to say.

James hesitated in the doorway, slowly turning around to meet Remus' concerned gaze. "Don't want me to what?"

Remus shrugged. "We don't want to see you get hurt even more than you already have. We don't want to lose you again."

James' brow furrowed. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Remus glanced towards Peter first and then me, hesitance in his eyes. I nodded at him to continue. He frowned and turned back to face a confused James. "It means that when you broke up with Lily, you became someone that none of us recognized," Remus sighed. "You didn't just distance yourself from everyone, you removed yourself completely. I don't want you to fall apart again like you've done so many times in the past. I'm afraid you may never find your way back again if you do."

James frowned. "You're being slightly dramatic, don't you-"

"No," I interjected, shrugging. "No, he's not. You drank, you slept, you went to work. That was it. You were a zombie and you didn't even realize it."

James blinked, shifting his weight uncomfortably as he pondered my words. "I…I wasn't that bad."

"You punched a guy for liking rare burgers," Peter pointed out dryly.

"Because Lily was kissing Shane! It all comes back to him," James scowled.

That earned him three identical glares.

James slumped against the doorway with a sigh. "I just…I-I don't know. I feel so helpless," he whispered.

He looked it, too.

"I-I hate that she bounced back so fast," he said softly. "I hate that he's with her. I hate that he's here. I hate that he gets to be her boyfriend. I hate that they get to share a future together. And…and I hate that I did this to myself. I hate that I shouldn't be allowed to hate him. But you know what I hate the most?"

He lifted his gaze to meet all of our eyes, defeat staring back at us. "I hate that I was so afraid of the future that I never once just stopped to truly appreciate what I had in the present," he murmured, his words full of heartbreak and regret. "And now it's…it's too late to do anything about it."

He sauntered off towards the exit, but my voice rang out in an attempt to stop him. "It was already too late, Prongs," I urged.

He hesitated, glancing behind him. "What do you mean by that?"

I sighed, gazing up at Remus who was staring at me curiously to continue on. "You couldn't have saved her. You still can't."

"A little elaboration please, Black," James muttered irritably.

I had a feeling my next words would probably just make things worse but James needed to hear them. "They've been after Lily for a while. You were the only who told us that back in November when you were attacked by Bellatrix and Rodolphus at the Ministry and while I was hesitant to believe it then, we…we, uh, found out that Bellatrix was caught snooping around Godric's Hollow recently and we think it's because she has her eyes on Lily. And tonight, it was evident in every curse and spell they sent Lily's way that they were out for blood. Not my blood. Hers. I can't be sure why they're so fixed on her but…I have a feeling they're never going to give it up. But-"

"Is this supposed to make me not want to scoop Lily up and protect her for the rest of her life?"

I ignored him. "Listen, you're not going to want to hear this, but today Bellatrix made it clear that you breaking up with her in an attempt at being noble did nothing but put her higher up on Voldemort's hit list. Voldemort somehow knows you tried to play him and I don't think he was too happy-"

"Wait, what?" James interrupted in a hoarse whisper, agony plastered on his face. "How…I mean why…what…"

"What?" I asked.

"How the hell do they know the intimate details of my break-up?" he spoke, his words barely audible.

Remus suddenly looked quite concerned and Peter just looked frightened.

The four of us shared a look but no one said anything. I had a feeling all of our hearts were plummeting at the implication.

It was evident to me now more than ever that perhaps there was a double agent in the Order.

"These attacks are far from over," James whispered, his face filling with regret.

"Prongs-"

"They've barely even begun," he said softly.

Before the three of us could remotely retort, he was whirling around and whisking himself out of the room.

Remus glanced back at me. "That didn't really resolve anything, did it."

I shook my head. "I feel for him, though," I murmured. "He was right about one thing. None of us get it. We can't truly understand what he's going through right now."

"We can't understand about heartbreak?" Remus pointed out.

I shook my head. "No, that we understand. It's the watching our family members get picked off one-by-one by Voldemort that we can't understand."

To that, neither of them had a response.

Remus frowned, glancing towards me. "Is it weird that just a few days ago we were berating James for breaking up with Lily the way he had and now we're advising him not to tell her the truth?"

I shrugged. "A few days ago, we didn't know Lily was with Shane. But…well, she is. Whether it's legitimate or it's just her way of faking the idea of moving on, I honestly can't be sure. But she's trying after feeling so brokenhearted for so long. If…if he tells her the truth, I just think it will completely shatter what's left of her…I don't know, her fragile heart or whatnot."

Remus glanced at me curiously. "That's rather sentimental for someone who just woke up from a coma."

I cracked a smile. "I-I should have been looking out for her tonight," I muttered, referencing Lily. "And…I failed her. So I'm just trying to look out for her now."

"You didn't fail, Padfoot," Remus argued. "In fact, if you hadn't been there, who knows what the outcome would have been."

I shrugged, letting my head fall back against the pillow with a heavy sigh as I shut my eyes tightly, thoughts of the night once again swirling through my mind. I didn't want to imagine what could have possibly happened if it had only been Lily who had been caught off-guard by six Death Eaters.

Remus cleared his throat and I slowly opened my eyes, knowing that what he was about to say was probably something I didn't want to hear. "So, I have no idea if this is a good time to bring this up, but Riley's here in the waiting area."

I frowned. "I'm pretty sure there is no good time to bring that up," I muttered. "What the hell is she doing here?"

He shrugged. "Worried about you and Lily I guess?"

For some reason, I thought that was hysterical as I let out a loud laugh. "Oh, right, because she's clearly been so worried about us over the past four years?"

Remus shrugged again. "I have no insight, Padfoot. I'm just the messenger."

I sighed, slumping down in my bed in pure defeat. "None of it matters anymore," I murmured, mostly to myself. "I don't even care that she's out there. I'm not angry or upset or disappointed with her. I've wasted enough of my time and energy on hating her when I should be spending that time and energy on exactly what James had said. On just appreciating the good things in my life."

"Sirius-"

"Let me tell you, a near-death experience really puts things into perspective," I said with a light chuckle but Remus and Peter knew I was being completely serious. "Though I don't suggest trying it anytime soon."

Remus and Peter couldn't help but laugh with me, though Remus' laugh faded quickly. "We're really glad you're okay, Sirius," Remus said softly.

As I met his gaze, I couldn't help but wonder if Lily was going to have the same fortunate outcome that I had.

++JAMES++

I didn't expect anyone to understand what I had done when I made the ultimate sacrifice to let Lily go. Hell, I sometimes didn't understand it myself. What I did expect from them was a little compassion and less judgment. I knew it must be difficult for Sirius and Remus in particular to comprehend why I forced myself to let Lily go when they had the unfortunate experience of dealing with the aftermath of losing their own loved ones not by choice. But I had been drowning in a sea of helplessness at the time. And feeling helpless was something I would never be able to get used to. So I tried doing something to keep myself and the people I loved afloat the only way I knew how to at the time.

Yes, I was an idiot. I knew that. I did. I knew that I lost the best thing that ever happened to me because my fear and anxiety and confusion and the bloody war got the better of me. I knew that I may never be able to win Lily back after looking her in the eye and telling her that I didn't love her.

Had I made a mistake?

Probably. But at the time I felt as if I had no choice. All I wanted to do was protect her. So did I make a mistake? Probably. But did I regret it? No.

But standing there in the lobby wondering if Lily was going to live or die, it was all beginning to catch up to me. Me letting her go didn't do anything but send me into a rollercoaster of despair and guilt. It didn't save her. It didn't protect her. It just ruined her. And me. But I could no longer just stand by and watch as the world around me fell apart. It was time I actually tried to take control of my future. And it all started with Lily.

I watched as Shane slipped out of Lily's hospital room, his face white with overwhelming desire. I thought I hated him. I wanted to hate him. But truth was, I couldn't hate a guy who clearly cared so much about Lily the same way I did.

I scanned the corridor to be sure I wasn't being watched before slowly opening the door to Lily's room and peering in. I froze as I gazed upon her helpless sleeping body in the hospital bed. She looked so peaceful, a slight tug of a smile resting atop her face. I wanted to rush over and scoop her up, never letting her go. Instead, I hovered awkwardly in the doorway for a few lingering moments while I tried not to let my emotions get the better of me.

Not so surprisingly, I felt an overwhelming bout of hot tears rush to my eyelids as I thought of the potential outcome that this attack on Lily could result in. And while I wanted to blame myself and I wanted to blame Voldemort, I knew for the first time since my life got pulled into the mess of death and tragedy that something bigger was going on that clearly none of us were even remotely aware of. There was someone out there who knew every move that everyone in my life made and was willing to exploit it to the highest bidder. And that bidder was named Voldemort.

Someone was working for Voldemort and pretending to be on our side. And I was determined to find out who that person was.

I may not have known who it was but I hated them with every fiber of my being. When I find out (and I will find out) who he or she is I plan on breaking every bone in that person's body before throwing them straight into Azkaban. People aren't just suffering because of it. People are dying. And it's about time something was done about it.

As I slowly ventured over to where Lily lay motionless, flashbacks of our relationship came barreling towards me. The kisses we shared. The early mornings where we just lay comfortable in each other's arms. The dinners we shared and the conversations we held late into the night. All the times we made love and every beautiful curve along her body. The birthdays we shared together and the New Year's kisses we gave each other at midnight. The strolls we took through the forest behind my house. The gifts I put effort into buying for her. I recalled the lavender scent of her hair and the dimples of her right cheek when she would smile. I thought of the way she scrunched her nose every time she disapproved of something. The way her eyes gleamed when she was truly happy. I thought of the times she strolled around her apartment in just my shirts, her sexy legs peeking out from underneath. I remembered the way she would throw her hair into a messy bun and I thought she never looked more beautiful.

She had meant everything to me and I threw her away. I had destroyed the very meaning behind the word love, casting her aside as if she truly were disposable to be. Love was supposed to be unconditional. But I tore it down. I wanted to be able to control her destiny but in doing so I destroyed the destiny we had created between us four years earlier. I let her down. I let myself down. I let love down.

"I'm sorry, Lils," I found myself blurting out, the words frantic and desperate on my tongue. "I'm so, so sorry. And I know that saying I'm sorry doesn't make up for what I said to you and I don't expect it to. But you have to know that I thought I was doing this for you. To give you a better life. You deserve that. You don't deserve to life every day in fear of what's going to happen. You don't deserve to live that life just because of me. But…but I realize now that I can't always be in control. I shouldn't be the one to make your decisions for you. So I'm so incredibly sorry for ever making you believe that I didn't love you."

I wanted to embrace her or kiss her or just scoop her up and never let her go. Instead I slowly reached down for her hand and squeezed it, blinking away the tears that were laying in pools in my eyelid. I grew helplessly silent as I memorized every curve of her face – that right dimple, her flushed cheeks, her pastel lips - and prayed that I would get to stare into her beautiful emerald eyes soon.

I didn't say anything for a while, just holding her hand and watching her rest. Praying that that's all it was – rest. She had to wake up. She will wake up. I had to believe that if there was some good out in the world, it would give her the strength and the courage to open her eyes and live the life she deserved. Because if anyone deserved a better life, it was her.

"I love you, Lily," I found myself whispering hoarsely, running my thumb over the back of her still hand. "I love you so much. Please wake up. I need you."

With a quick kiss to her forehead, I slowly turned around and headed out without another glance her way in fear of the tears spilling out never to cease.

If I had looked back her way, if even for a brief moment, I would have seen her eyes slowly opening.

A/N: Long chapter, I know! A lot going on but of course nothing resolved. I supposed you'll just have to wait until next chapter to figure out how all of this goes down!