Goodbyes On The Balcony

by ByeByeBirdie

3 years after Hogwarts, James and Lily are back with old and new friends by their side. Their lives are motivated by fear, their world surrounded by immense danger. As they each fight for their lives and for their loved ones in a world centered around Voldemort, the struggle to survive the war against him is nothing compared to the struggle to survive the wars within themselves.

38. Of Forgiveness, Bald Heads, & Gifts

A/N: I know, I know, it's been far too long since I've updated and I'm sorry! I've been out of town for two weeks and haven't had time to edit this chapter until today. But here it is, chapter 28 which I know you've all been anticipating! And I hope it will be worth the wait - lots of information is loaded into this chapter so I won't bother you with a long drawn-out AN that really none of you particularly care to read. Let's just get on with the chapter!

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling is extremely talented. I am not. Therefore I am not J.K. Rowling.

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Goodbyes on the Balcony

By ByeByeBirdie

Chapter 38: Of Forgiveness, Bald Head, & Housewarming Gifts

++KAY++

---

I couldn't get Lily's words out of my head. Well, actually, I couldn't get my own words out of my head as the answer to her question. I tried to think about anything else, but my mind kept coming back to the same sentence over and over again.

"I think that if we truly believe love can conquer all then yes, it can happen."

For so long, I had honestly believed the soft sentiment behind those words. Lance had given me so much more than I ever could have imagined. Before him, I barely dated. I had kissed a few guys here and there but nothing had ever been serious. I had watched enough of Riley's failed relationships and disastrous one-night stands and I had watched Lily flit around too scared to get involved with anyone and I had watched my parents either scream at or ignore each other for years to get the impression that love wasn't something I particularly needed to strive for. And then Lance came along and completely changed my mind.

He wasn't supposed to do that. He was just Riley's older brother who entertained me on a night of a huge rainstorm in the Bahamas because Riley had ditched me for some island boy. We were just to supposed to talk, share some firewhisky, play cards, and go to bed as if we were mere acquaintances. And maybe that's exactly what would have happened if he hadn't kissed me and if I hadn't let him. But the moment he did, everything changed between us. I had once thought it had changed for the better, but I wasn't so sure anymore.

I used to believe that there were people that were brought into one's life to enrich them and make them better. Lily had been one of those people for me. A long time ago I believed Riley had been one of those people. And when Lance popped into my life in an unexpected way, I had believed with every fiber of my being in every moment we spent together that he was the sole person in my life who made me want to live it to the fullest. I believed we could get through everything. I believed he was my rock. I believed that no matter what happened to me or to him or to the world around us that we would always be together. I had believed that love could conquer all. I had believed it because Lance helped me to believe it.

So now what? What was I supposed to believe now?

It was four o'clock in the morning and I should have been exhausted. I had been working since midnight the night before so my eyes should have been heavy and my body should have been weak, but I was too numb to feel anything as I headed into the backroom of the employee's lounge to change and head home.

"Hey."

I jumped, my eyes widening at the voice of the one person I really couldn't deal with at the moment. I tossed my scrub robes into my locker and slowly turned around. "You're not supposed to be in here," I said coolly, grabbing my sweater from the bench and throwing it on over my tank top.

"I-I know," Lance said softly, shutting the door behind him. "But I just needed to make sure you were okay before heading home."

"You've been here the whole time?"

He nodded.

"It's four in the morning."

"I'm aware."

"You have to be at the bookstore tomorrow morning."

"Drew's going to take the early morning shift."

I frowned, sinking down on to the bench with a confused sigh. He was the last person I wanted to be talking to. My head was hazy, I was exhausted, and I still couldn't get my words out of my mind. I needed to walk out the door as if Lance wasn't standing there to talk to me. But then I glanced up at him. Boy, was that a mistake. "How…how do you always know things are going to be alright, Lance?" I asked softly, against my better judgment.

"What?"

I met his gaze with heavy eyes. "You just…you always tell me things are going to be alright and they always end up that way. How do you know?"

He hesitated before sliding down on to the bench beside me, finding a sudden interested in his shoes. "Because even when everything might be falling apart, I know that things will be alright when I'm with you."

My heart fluttered as his eyes slowly locked with mine. "But we're not together right now," I reminded him.

He shrugged, a smile tugging at the end of his lips. "You'll always be a part of me," he whispered.

Tears sprang to my eyes unexpectedly and I quickly turned away, scrambling off the bench in a desperate need to get away from him. I should have left the room then. I should have walked away. I should have gotten very far away from him. I should have gotten far, far away from Lance.

With my hand on the door, that's what I was planning on doing. Really, I was.

But there was a question on my mind I felt compelled to ask Lance. If I didn't, I would have regretted walking away.

"Do you believe that love can conquer all?" I blurted out, turning around to face him.

Considering the question was completely random, Lance didn't even bat an eye. He pondered the question slowly, his brow furrowing and his lips straightening out into a thin line. "I used to believe it," he eventually said, his voice soft with guilt. "I still want to believe it. And a large part of me does. But it's not about what I believe, Kay, it's about what you believe. And you've made it clear to me that you're not sure love can conquer all. That love can't always overwrite our mistakes. So what am I supposed to believe if I can't even get the girl I am madly in love with to believe our love can conquer anything?"

My heart was on the verge of sinking and soaring. "Why is everyone so convinced that your betrayal can just be categorized as a mistake?" I whispered, mostly to myself.

He winced. "It was a mistake, Kay," he said softly, hanging his head in pure shame. "I didn't do it intentionally. I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't know what to think or do. I just reacted the only way I knew how at the time."

"You must have known on some level that your reaction at the time was the wrong reaction."

He hesitated. "The wrong reaction?" he repeated slowly. "No. I didn't know if it would be the wrong reaction. Maybe I knew it would be the easy reaction. The selfish reaction. The naïve reaction. So based off that, should I have assumed it was the wrong reaction? Probably. But at the time I didn't know what the right reaction was. Because no matter what I did, a lot of people would have gotten hurt. Whether-"

"It would have hurt a lot less if we found out at the time of her return, Lance!"

He shook his head, a flicker of irritation flashing through his eyes. "Would it have?" he sighed, shooting me a knowing look. "Would it really have made a difference if you found out ten months ago versus now?"

"Yes!" Though I was pretty sure I was just lying to make myself feel better at this time.

He sighed. "Kay."

"You wouldn't have been lying to me for ten months if you had told me from the beginning! We could still be together!"

"We could be together now," he whispered desperately, hanging his head in pure guilt.

"No," I croaked out almost immediately, shaking my head. "Because it's not just about the lying, Lance. It's also about the fact that you included her in our life decisions when she hasn't been in our life for four years. She picked out my bloody engagement ring for Merlin's sake."

He cringed. "Yeah, not my shining moment," he sighed to himself.

"She tainted the foundation of our engagement," I whispered. "I hate that you included her. I really hate it. She didn't deserve to be included, Lance. Not her."

"I didn't mean to include her," he spoke softly. "She was just…she was there when it all happened. I didn't even think about it at the time. I was just so excited at the prospect of asking you to marry me that I was willing to share it with anyone around me. But considering everyone in my bloody family has large mouths I wasn't about to let any of them ruin the proposal by spilling the beans to you before it happened. Riley was a safe option."

I hated that that almost made sense. Almost. I sighed and said, "I hate that you didn't think about it at the time."

"I hate it, too."

Once again, this is the part where I should have bid my adieus and walked away. But my feet weren't letting me.

Alright, it wasn't my feet. It was my heart that was rooted to that spot. It was my heart that had in the first place and it was my heart that I had been so scared to listen to ever since I found out about Lance's betrayal. I felt as if I couldn't trust him anymore but that had been my head talking. My head was using logic and reason. Which most of the time were the tools I should use in making important decisions. But if love truly conquered all, then wouldn't that mean it should conquer logic and reason and in replace of it just leave unconditional love?

When I didn't respond he frowned, lifting his gaze from mine as he stared at me with a nostalgic expression. "Why are you still here with me, Kay?" he asked with a heavy sigh.

A reasonable question considering every time we encountered each other recently I had run away. The tears welled up in my eyes as I tried to think of a logical explanation. "I-I don't know," I finally dithered. "I just…I want…I can't…"

He pulled himself off the bench and walked towards me. "Yeah?"

Against my better judgment, I glanced up at him. "I'm…I'm so mad at you," I whispered, shaking my head solemnly. "I feel so hurt and betrayed. I feel like while I know you loved me you didn't care about me enough to know how I would react. To know how hurt I would be."

"I know all this, Kay, and I'm-"

"But most of all, Lance," I interrupted, shaking my head, "I miss you."

He froze, his eyes fixated on me as his mouth dropped open slightly. "What?"

My bottom lip trembled as my eyes met his, everything inside of me bursting with confusion. "But me missing you doesn't change what happened," I whispered, shaking my head hesitantly.

"Kay," he whispered, reaching out to brush his fingers through my hair instinctively. I jerked back, the intimate gesture too intimate for me at that moment. My heart was still so torn. Both in the literal and the emotional sense. It wouldn't be easy to put the pieces back together but it was wavering between loving and needing to be with Lance and remembering that feeling of betrayal I had when I found out he had put me second to his sister. I was so helpless and lost and wished there was an easy answer.

"I-I don't know why I'm still standing here, Lance. I'm sorry. I-I need to go," I said hastily, averting my eyes towards the ground as I hastily backed away and reached for the door.

"Kay, wait. Please don't go," he whispered as he lightly grabbed my arm.

Slowly, I turned around and gazed up at him. I really needed to stop doing that. Because the moment I saw the desperate plea staring down at me, my heart began to melt for him. "Kay," he whispered as he slowly dragged his hand from my arm towards my own hand. "Once upon a time I helped you believe that love could conquer all."

My eyes couldn't waver from his no matter how hard I tried, the shaky vulnerability in his voice drawing me even closer to him.

He took a hesitant step forward, closing the already tiny gap between us and met my desolate gaze. "Let me be the one to help you believe in it again," he whispered in my ear.

His steamy breath against my ear almost made my knees buckle. My mouth was dry, the words I wanted to say disappearing from my mind as my heart soared at his own romantic declaration. I opened my mouth a few times, I'm sure resembling that of a fish, but all that did was make my bottom lip tremble with desperation.

When I didn't respond, he continued, clearly not willing to believe it was really over between us. Oh how I wish I could believe it as much as he did. "I'll prove it to you every minute of every day, Kay. I'll do anything you want me to do. I'll be anything you want me to be. I'll go anywhere you want me to go," he whispered in my ear. He slowly reached out, instinctively tucking a piece of my hair behind my ear. "Because I love you. I always have and I will always will. That's never going to change. Never.And I know that if you truly want to, you can find it in your heart to forgive me because the love that we have for each other doesn't come around often. It's unconditional, Kay. Maybe you no longer believe that love can conquer all but that's okay because I have no problem believing in it for the both of us."

Unconditional love. I had never believed in the strong sentiment until Lance came around and made me believe that there was such thing as undeniable passion and desire and that there was a love out there that could last forever. He had made me believe in the impossible. But after everything we've been through, can I still really believe it's possible?

"After everything that our friends and family have gone through, how can you still believe that love can conquer all?" I questioned, my voice hoarse with vulnerability.

He smiled down at me, his eyes filling with passion. "Love isn't just that lovey-dovey, romantic attraction feeling that I know we both get in the pit of our stomachs just by looking at each other. You can't base a relationship just off that emotional love. There's more to it. Because love isn't just a feeling, Kay. It's a decision. We have to make the conscious decision to love each other unconditionally without letting anything come between us. We have to let love conquer all. We can't just expect it to. While emotional love hits us over the head like a ton of bricks that neither one of us will ever be able to truly ignore, it's that decisional love that will mean the most in the end. It's that decisional love we won't want to ignore. It's that choice to love and to be loved by one person for the rest of our lives that will have us looking back one day and provide us with the realization that our lives aren't just worth living for ourselves but for our relationship, too," he spoke simply and eloquently. "My life isn't worth living without you, Kay. Plain and simple."

My eyes were wide with awe.

Damn. Good. Answer.

He always did have a way with words. And as I stared into his eyes, his eyes filled with hopeful desperation, I was torn between believing in decisional love and believing in the betrayal I felt so overwhelmingly in my heart. "Have you been memorizing that speech ever since we broke up?"

He smiled. "No," he said softly. "This is just my heart speaking."

His romantic side had always been endearing. He had never had any trouble expressing himself and I had always loved him for it.

Did I still love him for it?

"Kay," he whispered, the one word filled with so much adoration. "You came out of nowhere and stole my heart four and a half years ago. And I know I stole yours. I'm not ready to give yours back." He reached out, running his fingers lightly along my hairline as he leaned down and whispered in my ear, "So please don't give mine back."

Have I mentioned recently that he had a way with words?

I stared up at him, my heart beating a mile a minute. He looked so hurt, so guilty, that I wanted to reach out to him and tell him that everything was going to be okay. But was it?

I guess only I could really make that decision.

Later, I blamed it on my overwhelming exhaustion. I blamed it on the fact that I was emotionally and mentally drained. I blamed it on the fact that everything inside of me ached with fatigued hope for that whirlwind of a night. I blamed it on the fact that he just looked so bloody helpless and I knew I felt the same. I blamed it on the fact that he was the only one who could ever make me think that things really would be alright when I knew they couldn't possibly be that way.

My eyes met his and I began to speak. "You were right before. In the Dai Llewellyn ward," I whispered, my gaze filled with hesitant curiosity. "In a time of turmoil as you wait for someone you care about waver between life and death, it's hard not thinking about it in relation to your own life. And like you said, life shouldn't be taken for granted. You should spend every minute of every day telling the people that you love and cherish that you will always love and cherish them. You should realize that life is short and you never know how much longer you will get to actually spend with them."

He looked so hopeful as I stared up at him. I felt the tears slowly burn in small pools in my eyelids as my bottom lip began to tremble. "So many of our friends have lost out on love. Whether they did it to themselves or someone destroyed it for them, their relationships ended in a mere life-shattering second. Their world that once felt so perfect and idyllic became a world they weren't so sure they knew how to survive in. Love didn't conquer all. It merely conquered them."

Hesitant confusion remained in his eyes as I spoke of everyone else but ourselves. I gazed up at him and knew that my heart needed him even if my head was trying to tell me otherwise. "I-I don't want to end up like them, Lance," I whispered nervously.

Lance's eyebrows perked up immediately, the hope in his eyes growing. "What are you saying?"

I looked up at him as the tears spilled out on to my cheeks. But this time, they were happy tears. "Do you still love me?"

"I never stopped," he whispered.

A sad smile crept on to my lips. "And you'll really love me unconditionally?"

His eyes lit up knowingly as he reached out to wipe the tears from my face. It didn't stop them from falling, however. "Always."

I hesitated. "What if in two years you decide you're bored with me?"

"That could never happen."

"What if you find someone else to love?"

"I'll never love anyone but you."

"What if I start snoring at night or I get really fat?"

"I'll still love you, Kay."

"What if you suddenly realize I nag you too much or my cooking sucks?"

"I realized both of those years ago."

"Hey! I don't have to take you back if-"

I couldn't even finish the sentence as his lips were crashing firmly against mine and in that moment, that one passionate moment of lust and unadulterated desire, I suddenly realized that this was where I was meant to be. The spark that had always ignited between us produced such overwhelming intensity, I couldn't imagine letting him go again. His arms were around me in seconds as our tongues swirled together, the intensity behind the kiss hauntingly beautiful. Everything in the past couple of weeks faded as I felt my legs lifting from the ground and wrapping around his waist hungrily. His hands slid down my back and perched on my thighs as he slammed my back into the closed door, his lips never leaving mine.

This is where I was meant to be.

Even with all that had happened, I loved Lance more than anything. He has been my rock during all of the turmoil that keeps turning the worlds of my friends upside down. He has been my only constant for the past four years while I watched everyone else around me slowly fall into an abyss of fear and hopelessness. Was I still angry about how he handled the Riley situation? Yes. But he had been right. Love wasn't just a feeling. It was a choice. And my heart had made the choice for me four years earlier the moment I fell for Lance. Part of unconditional love came unconditional forgiveness. Even in the events of extreme heartbreak, I couldn't not forgive him. We had too much history for me to just throw it all away.

I needed him. All of him. I'd rather have him with his mistakes and flaws than not have him at all. He was right. The only question I should have been asking myself was if my life was worth living without him. And the answer is as plain and simple as Lance said it should be: no.

His lips trailed down my jaw towards my neck. "I love you, Lance," I whispered at the given opportunity. The words felt so good to say again.

Relief filled his smile as he glanced down at me, pressing his forehead to mine. "You have no idea how good it feels to hear you say that."

I tightened my grip around his shoulders, drawing him close to me as if I were afraid if I let go, this would all be a dream.

"Marry me, Kay Richards," he whispered, pressing a kiss to my cheek.

I smiled shyly, dragging my mouth towards his again. In between heated kisses, I whispered, "Always."

---

++RILEY++

The sun had already risen by the time I got home. I was exhausted but I couldn't imagine having spent that night any differently. I was grateful that my conversation with Sirius didn't end explosively. I was grateful that James let me walk with him for hours without kicking me to the curb. I was grateful that Lily and Sirius were going to be okay. I was just grateful that the night ended for the better.

"Where have you been?"

I practically screamed at the sound of Rhett's voice greeting me in my living room. "Merlin's beard, Rhett, you scared the shit out of me. What are you even doing here?"

"Glad to know you didn't remember our date last night."

I cringed. In the hustle and bustle of the attack, I had totally forgotten. "Oh, Rhett, I'm so sorry. It's just been a…a bit of a chaotic night."

"So you're not coming home after spending the night at your other boyfriend's house?" he asked with a hint of a smile, climbing off the couch and walking towards me.

I cracked a smile, shaking my head as I reached for his hand, standing on my tiptoes to kiss him. "No," I said, wrapping my arms around his waist and leaning into him with a sigh. "I was at St. Mungo's."

"What? Why?" he asked, panicked.

"Sirius and Lily were attacked last night."

His eyes widened. "Are they alright?"

"Yeah, they are now," I quickly explained.

He didn't say anything immediately, kissing the top of my head. Eventually, he spoke. "So why did you go and see them?"

I knew it wasn't meant to be an accusatory question. "Lance begged me to come along. He didn't want to face everyone alone."

"Are he and Kay still broken up?"

"Yeah," I murmured. "I just…I feel so bad for him. This was all my fault. I hate that he got hurt because of it. It's the last thing I wanted."

"Kay will forgive him, Riley," Rhett whispered, running his fingers through the ends of my knotted hair. "She's angry right now but when that dies down, she'll see that she still loves him."

"You think so?"

"I know so. Love is strong enough to preside over anything if we let it."

I wasn't so convinced but I was grateful for him saying so.

"Everyone's angry right now," he continued. "But this is all going to blow over. And as much as I'm sure everyone thinks it's impossible, I know in my heart that you will all be able to be friends again. The type of friends you were in Hogwarts. Your friendship with all of them is strong enough to handle anything, even four years apart. Don't let them tear you down, Riley. It's easy for them to say the things that they want to believe but it's not easy for them to admit that while they may still be harboring a bit of anger towards you, they've missed you as much as you've missed them. They'll find their way back to you, Riley. Just wait."

Some of them already have but I didn't say that to him. I smiled, gazing up at him. "How do you always know exactly what to say to make me feel better?"

"Probably because I love you," he said with a teasing smile, kissing me on the nose.

It was always difficult having any sort of confrontation with Sirius, but it somehow made it easier when I was able to come home to Rhett. He never asked me questions or attempted to pry or judged me for being around Sirius. Or even my old friends. He was always supportive and I was grateful for it. Especially since I knew this couldn't have been easy for him. Watching me relive a past life where I had broken Rhett's heart twice, albeit unintentionally, had to be difficult.

I just hoped he wouldn't get hurt again. Because as much as I would like to believe he wouldn't, I was walking on thin ice around all of my old friends, including Sirius. And nothing good could come of it.

---

++REMUS++

Much to Sirius' protest who had always hated people doting on him, I spent the day at the hospital with him. James had disappeared quickly the night before after his talk with Lily (he neglected to tell me anything as he rushed out of the hospital but based on the defeat evident in his expression it didn't go well) and I hadn't seen him since (which seems odd considering I lived with the guy). Peter had to rush back to the pub (I didn't know why that was necessary at one o'clock at night but I didn't push it) and hadn't checked in with me or the hospital since. I hadn't run into Kay at all which once again seemed strange considering she worked at the hospital and her best friend was lying in a room next door to Sirius.

I finally got home late that night after Sirius practically pushed me out the door telling me I was "harshing his mellow with the mediwitches."

I was sluggishly sauntering up the steps when I ran into Kay carrying a cardboard box down. I gazed at her, puzzled. "Going somewhere?"

She smiled shyly. "Er…I'm kinda moving out."

"You found a place?" I said, shocked. When did she have the time to do that?

A slight blush appeared on her cheeks. "Uh…sorta," she muttered.

"How does one sorta find a place?" I snickered.

She didn't respond immediately, shifting the weight of the box in her hands to her right arm. "Well," she said, clearing her throat. "I'm kinda engaged again."

I blinked, replaying those words in my head. "To who?" I said with a teasing smile.

She laughed, shooting me a look. "Who do you think?"

I smirked. "I always knew you and Sirius were meant to be."

"Ah, yes, that whole womanizing one-night-stand chauvinist thing really turns me on."

"I knew you were suppressing feelings for him all along."

She couldn't help but laugh, shaking her head in disbelief.

"So you forgave Lance?"

The smile on her face told it all. It was a smile I hadn't seen since before she and Lance broke up. "I-I didn't think I would know how to but as it turns out, the only thing I don't know how to do is live without him," she said softly. "I've been so angry with him and I felt so betrayed that I didn't know if I could forgive him. But in the end, he's still the guy I want to spend the rest of my life with. That didn't change just because Riley showed back up in our lives."

I knew the smile on my face looked strained but I couldn't help but think about Jillian in that moment. "Well, I'm glad everything worked out, Kay. You and Lance deserve each other."

She gazed at me, hesitance flickering in her eyes. "You really think so?"

I nodded. "I know that you felt angry and betrayed by him, but I also knew that you two would get through it. The love you two shared was always going to bring you two back to one another." That almost sounded romantic. Almost.

When I locked eyes with her, I saw the faraway glint of remorse in her eyes. I had a feeling I knew what she was about to say. "I'm sorry that it didn't do the same for you and Jillian, Remus," she said softly.

Yep, I knew it. "It's not the same situation," I muttered. "Even love can't fix something like someone being…uh, left at the altar."

She hesitated before asking, "If it could fix it, would you want it to?"

It's a question I've often asked myself. Among many others. What would have happened if I hadn't ever had that conversation with her where I told her not to marry me? What would have happened if we had spent that last night together instead of her convincing me it would mean more to spend it apart? What if I had seen her the morning of the wedding? Talked to her? Kissed her, told her I loved her? What if she had actually told me she was leaving instead of just doing it without warning? What if she had sought me out quickly after it had occurred? Would that have made a difference? What if I had actually talked to her on New Year's Eve? What if, what if, what if. They were the questions I would never get the answers to. But would any of it really have changed what happened? Would any of it have made it any easier?

"No," I found myself saying, shaking my head as I turned my gaze away from hers. "She did what she felt she had to do and while there are days I miss her more than I'd like to admit, I know in the end this is what had to happen."

I could feel Kay's curious stare on me before asking, "It didn't have to happen the way it did, though."

I felt a lump slowly forming in my throat. "No," I sighed. "No, it didn't."

As I later helped her move out some of her things (most of which had never really been unpacked in the first place), I wondered why it was that some couples could survive the truly difficult obstacles and others couldn't. There was no easy equation to determine how to love. There wasn't a rhyme or reason to it. There wasn't a guidebook that walked you through the tough times and the heartbreak that often went hand-in-hand with falling in love. I wasn't naïve enough to think that love came easy. But some of it was supposed to. And lately, it seemed that there was absolutely nothing easy about it. Every trial and tribulation thrown my way and my friends' ways were gut-wrenching and slowly deteriorated our very hearts and souls. It was agonizing to watch the pain and suffering that lay on my friends' faces on a daily basis.

I had given up praying a long time ago. It didn't seem to do me any good considering all of the bullshit I've had to live through. But now as I watched the smile on Kay's face grow steadily, I took a moment to pray to God that we'd all be able to find some semblance of happiness again.

Because maybe that was the only thing that was ever going to get us all through this war.

---

++SIRIUS++

Three days later, Lily and I were being released from the hospital and I couldn't be happier. I was not meant to be tied to a hospital bed for four nights. If only firewhisky could have been served for lunch instead of Jell-O.

Healer Robards did one final check on me, much to my incessant protests, and by the end I had a feeling he was ready to permit me to leave just because he couldn't stand my complaints.

I practically skipped into Lily's room who was chatting with Kay. "Good morning, ladies!"

"Ah, Robards finally got enough of you?" Kay teased.

I grinned. "I don't think he fancies people making fun of his bald head."

"Sirius!" Lily groaned, smacking her hand to her forehead incredulously.

I laughed, hopping on to the end of her bed. "So have they decided you're alright in the head or have they finally realized that will never happen?"

She responded with a swift kick to my crossed legs. I merely laughed.

"I got to get back to work but try not to kill each other in the meantime, hm?" Kay suggested with a grin as she headed towards the door.

"If we do, at least we're in a hospital," I called out after her.

She laughed as she left us alone.

I turned back to Lily. "How you feeling?"

"Ready to get out of here," she responded with a relieved smile.

"You're telling me," I agreed. "None of the mediwitches were willing to take up my offer of a Jell-O date. I'm blaming it on the fact that they were out of cherry."

"Oh, right, the rejection can't possibly be anything to do with the fact that you're a pig."

I pretended to ponder the statement. "No, I think it was because of Jell-O flavors."

She smiled but I could tell it was hesitant. She looked over at me and I saw a flicker of angst shining in her eyes. "I'm really glad you're okay, Sirius."

I was taken aback by the sudden strike of vulnerability, but if she was anything like me she had spent the last couple of days replaying the events of the attack over and over in her head. "Back at ya, kid."

"Damn, I just can't get away from you, Mister Black, now can I?"

I glanced behind my shoulders as Healer Robards strolled into the room. I grinned sheepishly. "Aw, did your bald head miss me?"

He scowled, but I saw a hint of a smile on his face. "You were released twenty minutes ago so here's a thought: go home."

I chuckled. "I ain't leaving here without Lily-bean."

"Hm," he contemplated. He took a three-second glance from Lily's head to toes and said, "Eh, you look fine. You can go."

Both Lily and I laughed and even Robards chimed in. "Go wait outside, Sirius. I have full confidence that Lily will be following you out in just a few minutes."

I hopped off the bed, heading towards the door. "I'm going to go see if Robyn won't reconsider a date with me."

"You may have to find cherry Jell-O first!" I heard Lily call out after me.

I grinned as I headed back into the hallway. Four days ago we were being attacked and now we were laughing as if it never happened. I just wanted to believe that it wouldn't happen again, but I had a feeling that wasn't really the case.

"Hey."

I looked up from my pacing at the sound of James' voice. "Hey," I said, surprised. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be working?"

He shrugged, falling into an empty chair in the waiting area. "Probably, but when you tell people your best friend is in the hospital, they kinda let you do what you want."

I chuckled, reluctantly falling into a chair beside him.

"That is," James said hesitantly, "If you still are my best friend."

I blinked, turning to him in pure confusion. "Why the hell wouldn't I be?"

His eyes instinctively migrated towards Lily's room and I wondered what he was thinking as I was unable to read his expression for once in my life. Eventually, he turned back to face me. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you I started hanging around Riley."

That took me by surprise. "Have you been carrying that around for three days?"

"No," he murmured. "I've been carrying that around for a week."

I probably should have still been holding a grudge, but it disappeared the first spell sent my way by Bellatrix. "I-I can't stop you from hanging out with her," I murmured.

"You could."

I sighed, shaking my head. "It's your life, James. And I know it's not exactly going the way you had ever expected it to so if you want to hang out with her as a way of trying to get your life back on track, I get it. Believe me, if anyone could understand trying to find their way in this fucked up world, it's me."

He frowned. "You think that's what I'm trying to do?"

"Yes."

He turned his gaze away from me, a contemplative flicker in his eyes. "Maybe that is what I'm doing," he murmured. I wasn't surprised when his gaze fell on Lily's door once again.

I couldn't take my eyes off of him, noting the strained burden in his demeanor and the regret in his expression. I couldn't help myself when I asked, "James, what did Lily-bean say to you on Thursday?"

He stiffened, his eyes growing cold. "Nothing."

I sighed. I wasn't surprised when he said that. Remus had tried getting it out of him to no avail and I had bugged him a few times about it with no results. Which meant that whatever had been said couldn't have been good. "Did you tell her the truth?"

Again, he said nothing.

"Did you fight? Make up? Yell at each other? Hex-"

"I don't really want to discuss it," he murmured, abruptly standing up. "I just came here to make sure you and I were okay. Now that I've done that, I have to get back to work."

"Mostly because you want to avoid running into Lily."

He shrugged. "Yep. I'm definitely not going to deny that."

I sighed. "You really won't tell us what she said?"

He frowned, turning to give me a look. "I've got to go."

"James, wait," I called out after him.

He hesitated before turning around. "Hm?"

"I don't know what happened between you two, but don't lose hope."

He snorted. "Hope for what?"

I sighed sadly. "Surviving this war."

He looked startled by the answer. "This war isn't survivable," he said firmly. "All we can really hope for is that we won't be completely destroyed by the end of it."

"We won't if we don't let ourselves be," I urged, though I wasn't entirely convinced of the words myself.

He hesitated. "No," he sighed. "No matter what we do or say, I think we all know we're going to end up destroyed. It's inevitable."

"That's rather cynical, don't you think?"

He turned to look at me, slowly shaking his head. He didn't respond immediately but when I met his gaze, I was staring into the eyes of remorse and heartbreak. "It's not cynical," he whispered. "It's the truth."

"James-"

"Because in the end, it's not about surviving this war," he continued, his voice trembling. "It's about surviving ourselves."

I tried to say anything to the contrary but I couldn't. Because he was right. It wasn't about the war anymore, it was about trying to desperately hold on to the people we were before we completely lost sight of ourselves. I could tell from the tone in James' voice that he believed he had already lost himself long ago and unfortunately, there wasn't much I could say or do to change his mind about that.

Especially since I had also lost myself a long time ago. And once that happens, I couldn't help but wonder if we'd ever find our way back.

---

++LILY++

I knocked before entering without waiting to hear a response.

"Lily!" Nyger said with a grin. "How are you doing?"

"I applied for the Senior Assistant position in Philadelphia. I just thought you'd like to know," I scoffed coolly, turning around to head out.

"Good for you!"

"Sure," I muttered without bothering to turn around.

"You'll get the job. They were just waiting for your application for protocol purposes."

I shrugged, halfway out the door. "Alright."

"Lily, wait," he said before I could hightail it out of there. "Are you mad at me for something?"

Yes. I sighed, turning back around to face him. "You knew that Shane and I were dating, didn't you."

He met my gaze and shrugged. "I presumed as much."

"How did you find out?"

He hesitated before saying, "Look, I may be of an older generation but when two people leave the office together nearly every day and then arrive in the office in the morning together as well, the assumption isn't that hard to make."

I felt my cheeks flush slightly. "Why'd you go to him and not me?"

"I did go to you. At first. You refused to hear my side of things. I-I knew that if anyone could get through to you, it would be Shane."

"You play dirty."

He shrugged. "I don't feel bad about it if that's what you want from me," he said with a sigh. "That position belongs to you, Lily. It was made for you. This is the best career move you could make and an opportunity like this one doesn't come around often. Rarely actually."

I frowned. "Why me?" I asked softly. "There are a bunch of other seasoned employees that would probably jump at this chance. Probably already have."

"Yes, they have," he admitted. "But you're the liaison to North America. You know their policies and their Departments better than anyone. You're the best choice for the job."

I sighed. My frustration for the situation was slowly subsiding. I couldn't blame Nyger for looking out for my career. Sure, I could blame him for running to my boyfriend but it was my fault for neglecting to inform Shane of my intent in the first place. "You're really glad to be getting rid of me, hm?" I said with a teasing smile.

He laughed, shaking his head. "You're one of my best employees, Lily. I don't want to see you go but as your supervisor, I'm not doing my job if I'm not letting you grow to be the best hard-worker I know you can be."

"Did you read that off a fortune cookie or something?"

He chuckled, shooting me a look. "On the other hand, it might not be so terrible letting you go."

I could only force out a strained smile. Nyger Lunder gave me the tools and the ability to succeed within this Department. It was going to be hard letting him go. "I haven't even gotten the position yet so don't go-"

"You'll get it. You're already as good as in."

I wanted to believe that that would be a good thing but it was hard when my heart still felt so conflicted.

---

++SYDNY++

James had been in with Moody for an awful long time. He had walked into the office that morning with a sense of determination etched on his face. Before I could ask him what was up, he was sauntering over to Moody's office and shutting the door behind him. I tried to speculate but that just got me even more unanswered questions. So now I was staring at the faces of the Most Wanted Death Eaters and waiting for James to emerge to tell me what the hell was going on.

I wasn't the only ones who noticed the raised voices in Moody's office.

"Who's in with Moody?" Frank asked, sauntering into the office hand-in-hand with his fiancée.

"James."

Alice cringed. "Ouch, what did he do now?"

"Don't know. I'm hoping James will come out here and tell me though."

"People don't get berated by Moody and produce a tell-all afterward," Frank pointed out with a snicker as he wandered towards his desk.

Oh, I was going to make James Potter tell all.

"Do you think it has something to do with Lily and Sirius from last week?" Alice asked.

"I don't know," I admitted. "But there's definitely been some yelling."

"It seems recently that either Moody really likes to yell or James really likes to be yelled at."

"Probably more of the former," I said with a snicker.

Alice laughed, heading back to her own cubicle.

After the weekend James had, I couldn't imagine what it was that Moody had to tell James that would make the two of them go at each other. It's too damned bad that the walls were so bloody thick around here.

"Hey."

I whipped my head up at the sound of James' downtrodden voice. "James!" I cried out.

He glanced at me in amusement as he slipped into his chair. "Excited to see me, hm?"

"What did Moody want?"

"And a good morning to you, too."

"You wouldn't say good morning to me earlier so I ain't saying it now. What the hell did Moody want?"

"I'm fired."

My whole body went numb. "What!?"

"Just kidding. But that was totally worth the look on your face."

I was going to kill him. "I am seriously going to kill you, James Potter," I snapped, smacking him on the back of the head.

"Ow!"

"What purpose do you have giving me a bloody heart attack?"

"Aw, didn't realize you cared so much?"

I smacked him again.

"OW!"

"What did Moody want with you, Potter? And I swear to Merlin if you joke with me again, smacking you on the head will be the least of your problems."

"I'm going on the recruitment training mission."

I'm not sure what was worst. The possibility of him being fired or him going on this dangerous training mission. "WHAT?"

"You heard me."

I gaped at him, speechless for the first time in my life. "What the hell is Moody thinking choosing you to run-"

"He didn't choose me, I volunteered."

I blinked. "Is this another joke of yours?"

He sighed, glancing towards me. "Do I look like I'm joking?"

"Have you gone completely mad, Potter?" I barked.

"Er…I don't think so."

"Your brother was killed on one of those training missions! The last one you were on as a recruit was attacked! People have been hunted down and killed on those bloody missions because the Death Eaters know it's the best way of killing numerous Aurors at once!"

"Okay, ow? I'm going to need those eardrums on this training mission."

"You're not bloody going on that training mission, Potter!"

James sighed, giving me such a helpless look that my anger slowly subsided. "Yeah, Lafevre," he said softly. "I am. And I thought you of all people might have actually understood why."

"What? Why?"

He slumped down in his chair and suddenly looked like a person I couldn't even recognize. One of weakness and vulnerability and complete defeat. His eyes became void of feeling, his expression grew weary. "I don't know what happened to you that made you leave Italy, but I know the reasons behind it. I would love to be able to just…just leave this horrible life behind and start over elsewhere. Running and hiding seems like such an easy choice."

"James-"

"You did run. You did hide. But where did it leave you? With an impossible job of protecting someone who Voldemort will always find a way to penetrate?"

"James, please don't-"

"I can't just walk away from this life because I think it will be easier. I-I can't do that no matter how much I wonder what would happen if I just turned my back on this life and everyone in it. But I have people counting on me and I have people I count on. So I have to stick around no matter how trapped it makes me feel."

"You have to stop feeling sorry-"

"I need this mission right now, Lafevre," he continued, ignoring every word I spoke. "This…this is what's left for me now."

"A surefire way to get yourself killed?"

"I'm practically dead inside already, Syd," he whispered, his voice breaking. I don't think he has ever used the nickname 'Syd' with me. This was serious. "And that's why I need this."

Well that's depressing. "But why? You haven't exactly given me an explanation as to why this is a good idea. Only vague assertions on why it's your only idea."

He didn't respond immediately, fingering his quill on his desk while he contemplated his next words. Eventually, he glanced up at me. "Becoming an Auror is the only thing I've ever done just for me, Lafevre. And right now in a world where I have so very little, I need to find me again."

I hated that that actually made sense to me. After my father's betrayal, my whole world was turned upside down. I had no clue what to believe and I sure as hell had no clue who I was anymore. I left Italy mainly to get away from any possible rumors or speculation or judgmental comments and looks. But a larger part of me left to find out who I could be without the biases. I needed to re-invent myself and Dumbledore gave me the opportunity to do some good in the world. I would forever be thankful to him for that.

"What happens if during your attempt to find yourself again, you get killed? Seems to me that would be counterproductive," I pointed out softly.

He slowly glanced up at me. "You can't save me, Lafevre," he spoke, his words so careful on his tongue. "Maybe it's about time you realized that."

Oh, good, more depression. "I'm not giving up on you, Potter. You may have, but I won't."

He frowned, turning his back on me as he returned to his desk. He didn't respond immediately and I assumed he was dropping it. As I picked up my own quill, I heard him mutter, "That's a death wish waiting to happen, Lafevre, and you know it."

Yeah, I did know it. And I knew I was being somewhat of a hypocrite. I told him that he couldn't save Lily no matter how hard he tried but I refused to give up without a fight. James needed someone in his corner and I was determined to help him in any way I could. Especially since it was evident he was giving up on himself.

Silence fell over us as we returned to work. Until – "Sydny?"

The distress in his voice had me glancing over my shoulders. I was thrown off-guard abit to find James staring intently at me. "Yeah?" I asked.

He frowned, slowly meeting my gaze. "There's a spy in the Order."

My eyes didn't stray from his as I slowly nodded. "I know."

He looked surprised. "You know?"

"I mean, I know there's a spy. I don't know who though."

"Any guesses?"

Yeah. Every one even more unlikely than the next. "Not really."

"Yeah, me neither."

He slowly turned his gaze away from me, defeat resting in his eyes but my eyes stayed trained on him. "Why are you bringing this up to me?"

He hesitated before letting out a deep sigh. "I know that if anyone could track this person down, it would be you. And…and I need your help doing so."

Did he just admit he wanted me help? "Are you actually admitting you want my help?"

He glared at me.

"I'll take that as a yes. What do you need from me?"

"I don't know who this person is but obviously they're someone that runs in my circle. I'm too close to the situation. I need someone to be able to provide some perspective. Enter you."

"I'm not going to date any of your friends if that's what you're looking for."

I winced as his quill struck me on my shoulder. "Believe me, you don't want to date my friends. I'm simply asking you to be a fly on the wall."

"Isn't that what I already am?"

"Not very well."

I threw his quill back at him and he laughed. "Alright, I could do some snooping," I said. "But if you ask me, you could be doing some snooping as well if you weren't so keen on running this training-"

"I'm going on the training mission, Lafevre."

"Stubborn arse," I murmured with a teasing smile.

I ducked as the quill came soaring back at me.

---

++REMUS++

When I wandered into the kitchen that Tuesday evening, I wasn't surprised to find Sirius sitting there with a beer in hand and his feet propped up on the kitchen table reading the Sports section of the Daily Prophet.

"Y'know, you might as well just move in here considering you spend more time here than at your own apartment."

Sirius glanced up. "That's a bit of an over-exaggeration, isn't it?"

I shot him a look. "Our recycling bin has more beer bottles from you than it does from James and myself combined."

"You're over-exaggerating again."

I rolled my eyes, venturing towards the refrigerator for my own beer. "You could at least provide your own beer when you wander into the Manor."

He blinked. "Was that a real suggestion?"

I chuckled, joining him at the table. "Alright, free beer it is. But then how about you put together a nice home-cooked meal for us while you're here?"

"Now I know that wasn't a real suggestion. I'm pretty sure James doesn't fancy his kitchen being burnt to a crisp."

"Eh, we only really use it to store our beer," James' voice chimed in as he wandered into the kitchen. "Do you ever go home, Sirius?"

"I am not here that much!"

James and I both burst into laughter, amused by the scowl Sirius responded with. "I'd leave but considering you two are incredibly boring without me, it's in your better interest that I stay."

"Or you're out of beer at home," I responded almost immediately.

Sirius hesitated. "Well, yes, that too. But I still stand by my you're boring comment!"

"Gee, how sweet of you to say," James snorted, reaching into the fridge for a beer.

"You know what would be sweet to say?" I asked, changing the subject. "Whatever it was Lily had to tell you on Thursday in the hospital."

James froze, slowly lifting his head out of the fridge to look at me hesitantly. "Er…why do you want to know?"

I shot him a look. "The girl woke up from a coma and the first thing she insisted on doing was talking to you. Why wouldn't we want to know?"

He frowned. "I don't want to talk about it."

"That bad, hm?"

"I don't want to talk about it," he responded firmly, sliding into an empty kitchen chair. "Want to order pizza?"

"No," Sirius said with a hesitant shrug.

Holy shit, the world is coming to an end. "Did…did you just say no?" I sputtered out. Based on the shocked look on James' face, he was wondering if it was time to go hide out in a bomb shelter as well.

"Yes," he said with a sly grin. "Mostly because I already ordered. Pizza should be arriving in ten minutes or so."

I couldn't help but laugh, joined quickly by James. "Seriously, you might as well just move back in," I snorted.

"Sh, don't give him any ideas," James teased.

"I like living alone in my own apartment thank you very much," Sirius argued haughtily. "It gives me more freedom to entertain my lady friends."

"Oh, right, because when you lived here you hardly ever entertained women," I snorted.

He rolled his eyes. "Besides, we're stuck in a lease."

"We signed a month-to-month lease," I pointed out.

"And obviously Keegan and Lily need me there to protect them."

"You didn't do such a great job at that the last time," James teased.

Sirius glared at him.

"Too soon?"

"Just a smidge," he said dryly, shrugging. "Wow, you guys must be seriously bored with your lives if you really want me to move back in."

"It's not that we want you to," I said with an amused grin. "It's that it's practical. You save money and so do we."

"How do you save money?"

"Because you can actually start paying for the beer here," I said, swiping the now-empty bottle out of Sirius' hand.

Sirius shot me a look. "Since when did I pay for anything?"

"The man's got a point," James chimed in.

I shrugged. "Sirius, the reason you stayed in that apartment was because you and I were not speaking to each other at the time. Now we are. Why are you so against moving in?"

"I'm not against it. I just enjoy watching you both plead."

"We were in no way pleading."

He snickered. "Alright, fine, you've twisted my arm. I'll move back in. And you know what this calls for?"

"Let me guess: another beer?" I drawled, sipping on my own.

Sirius grinned, jumping up from the table and rushing over to the fridge. "You know me so well," he teased. "By the way, you're low. You should probably restock soon."

"That can be your housewarming present to yourself," James snorted.

"I don't think that's the way housewarming gifts are supposed to work," Sirius argued.

I rolled my eyes. "I suddenly take back our suggestion of you moving back in."

"No, don't," James said hesitantly, a curious glint in his eye.

We both turned to him, recognizing a sense of desperate pleading in his voice.

James cleared his throat and I had a feeling he was about to say something important. "I have news," he spoke slowly.

"Does it have anything to do with what the hell Lily wanted to talk to you about in the hospital on Thursday?"

James glared at Sirius. "No."

"Does it have anything to do with whether or not you divulged your overwhelming love to Lily in the hospital on Thursday to assuage the guilt you were suddenly burdened with?"

"Only you would talk like that, Moony," James snorted. "And no."

I rolled my eyes. "You're really going to continue keeping us in the dark about what happened between you two in her hospital room?"

"Yes."

"You suck as a friend."

"Why, thank you."

"Alright, what's this news?" I sighed, leaning back in my chair.

James didn't respond immediately, stalling slightly by sipping on his beer.

"Gee, you trying to keep us in suspense or something?" Sirius snorted, shooting him a look.

"I'm going to be helping to head this season's recruitment training mission."

Silence filled the room. Shock filled my mind. Confusion filled my expression.

"I'm sorry, I thought you said you had news, not a joke," Sirius spoke, his voice rather cold.

"I'm not joking," James muttered. "I…I had asked Moody for the job."

Another round of silence. Until - "Have you gone completely insane!?" I found myself snapping.

"That seems to be the consensus from everyone."

"Do you not remember what happened with-"

"Yes, I remember. I've already gotten this spiel from Lafevre," he interrupted with an impatient sigh. "But guys, I need this. I've been living in such a fog recently and I just need to find a way out."

"Ah, so killing yourself is the answer?"

"Dramatic much, Padfoot?" James snorted. "Look, of all the people in the world who could possibly understand the need to just get out for a while, away from the hustle and bustle of our everyday muddled routine, it would be you two. So please try."

I was trying but was finding it nearly impossible. "Yes, maybe there are times I wish I could drop everything and leave for a while. Or just walk out into the horizon and never turn back. Or pack up my life and start anew elsewhere. Yes, maybe I've considered this and I'm sure Sirius can say the same." He nodded. "But I've never considered throwing myself headfirst into a suicide mission. I'm pretty sure you can remember that Voldemort is after you considering it's all you've talked about for months, no? This is like handing yourself to him on a bloody silver platter."

"He doesn't want me, he wants everyone else. I'm his last victim," he muttered, perhaps a bit overdramatically. "So maybe I just need to get away from this world I'm living in where I'm constantly worried about everyone else and not worried enough about myself. This is something I need to do for me. Damnit, for once, I just want to do something for me and not for everyone else! Why is that so hard for everyone to believe?"

"So take a vacation!" Sirius whined. "Go to France and see the Eiffel Tower. Visit Antarctica and play with the penguins. Go to the States and hike the Rocky Mountains. Go to Japan and…well, I have no clue what's in Japan. Eat sushi? Anyway, you get my point! Take a bloody vacation, James. Don't practically offer yourself up to Voldemort."

James didn't respond immediately but based on the defeat in his eyes, I had a feeling he had what he thought was a reasonable explanation for why he needed to go on this trip. "Becoming an Auror was one of the first things I ever did for me. Not for my friends or for my family or for Lily or for Hogwarts or for the Order. I had become an Auror because I wanted to make a difference in this dangerous wizarding world. Going on this trip will help do that."

Sirius fell silent, though he was clearly grasping for another argument. I let out a sigh before asking, "When do you leave?"

"Wait, you're advocating this?" Sirius asked, shocked.

"Yes. No. I don't know. Does it matter, Sirius? James is going whether we attempt to persuade him or not."

"The werewolf has got a point," James said with a cheeky grin.

"Fine, we won't persuade him," Sirius said hesitantly. "We'll just drug him and lock him in a closet until after the mission trip is underway."

While James glared at him, I burst into laughter. "I believe I said get away, not hide away," James whined.

Sirius sighed. "If you get killed on this bloody mission trip, don't come crying to me," he muttered under his breath.

"I think being dead might make that a tad difficult."

Sirius glared at him. "This is not funny, James Potter. How can you possibly think that this is a good idea?"

James' lips pursed hesitantly. "I never said it was a good idea, Sirius," he said softly. "But right now, it's my only idea."

"What about the idea of locking you in a closet for an indefinite period of time? I mean, did you ever really turn that idea down?"

James attempted to glare at him, but the sides of his mouth inched upward to give away his amusement on the matter.

Sirius glanced briefly at me before sighing. "Alright, when would you leave? And how long is this expected to last?" I asked.

"The mission starts in three weeks. And typically they last a month. But that's just an estimate as they can go shorter or longer depending on when the recruits complete their intended tasks."

Neither Sirius nor myself responded. What else was there to say? I hated that James felt like he only had this one option, but in a way, it was easy to understand. Because James had been right. If any of us could understand the need to find our way in the world where one just felt lost and broken, it would be myself and Sirius without question.

I just prayed that James would find what he hoped to be looking for because I really needed my friend back.

---

++SIRIUS++

I hadn't spoken to Lily at all since we both left the hospital so as I sauntered home that Wednesday evening, I found myself migrating towards her apartment. I was slightly thrown when the door opened and a guy was standing there.

I narrowed my eyes curiously. "Have you been experimenting with Polyjuice Potion?"

He stared at me blankly. "Huh?"

I shook my head. "Never mind. Lily here?"

"LILY! There's a guy at the door for you!"

Before I could say thanks, he was turning around and heading into the kitchen.

Didn't realize friendliness had gone out of style.

"Hey, Sirius."

I glanced up at the sound of Keegan's voice, hovering in the kitchen with a glass of wine. "You're home early. Didn't realize you knew how to leave the office before eight o'clock."

She rolled her eyes. "Work isn't my entire life."

"It has been since you and Fabian broke up."

She winced, glancing briefly in the direction of the guy standing beside her. I think it was safe to say that was probably Victor Hans.

"There is nothing wrong with being a workaholic. Work ethic is an attractive quality in a person," he chimed in before Keegan could retort, wrapping his arm around her shoulder protectively.

"Ah, explains why I am not even remotely attracted to Sirius then," Lily's teasing voice rang out as she wandered into the living room.

I made a face. "Hardy har har. I'm finding myself regretting coming over here all of a sudden."

"Well it's a bit too late for that." Lily asked, sliding past Keegan into the kitchen. "Want a beer, Sirius?"

I nodded, quickly followed by, "Sure."

"So did you come here for anything in particular or just to steal our beer?" Lily teased, holding up two beers.

"You offered," I whined as I swiped the beer from her. I couldn't help but glance at the bruise still very much dark upon Lily's forehead. "How you doing?" I blurted out.

Lily offered me a small smile. "I'm fine, Sirius," she said in a soft voice. "And I'm glad that you are, too."

"Eh, that part's debatable," Keegan chimed in with a teasing grin.

"I'm thinking this whole you and me being friends thing isn't going to last long," I pointed out with an overdramatic sigh.

"Er…excuse me?" Lily said with curious narrowed eyes, a hint of a smile tugging on her lips. "You two are friends?"

"Apparently not anymore," Keegan pointed out with a chuckle, finishing off her wine. "You ready to go, Vic?"

Vic?

He nodded, though his eyes were fixated curiously on me. "How did the attack even occur?" he asked hesitantly.

"You're not writing an article about us, Victor," Lily contested with a snicker.

He shook his head. "No, this is off the record. I'm just wondering how those Death Eaters knew where to find you. How did they know you'd be walking down that street? How did they know you frequent Blarney's and that's the route you often take? How did they know?"

Silence filled the flat. Those were the questions that I'm sure had been on all of our minds since the attack but none of us had spoken them aloud.

So thank you very much Victor for making our fears that much more apparent.

"Er…on that note," Keegan muttered, clearing her throat. "Time for dinner."

He shrugged, clearly undeterred by the uncomfortable tension now in the air. "Sure."

"See you later," Lily said as the two of them left the apartment.

"He seems…" I trailed off, shrugging. "I've got no words for him."

Lily laughed, plopping on to the couch. "He seems like a decent enough bloke, Sirius."

I shrugged, joining her on the couch. "So how are you really?"

"I'm fine, Sirius. A cut here, a bruise there. But considering we both should be dead right now, I'm just so grateful that you and I both here together. Alive."

Well, when she puts it that way.

"But Victor's right."

"Hm?"

"We were targets, Sirius. It wasn't just a random act. It was premeditated. But how? And why?"

That's something James will have to tell you, Lily. "I don't know," I lied, shrugging. "But I've been asking myself those same questions since the attack."

"With no answers," she finished with a sigh.

I could only shake my head. Thank you, James Potter, for making me a liar.

She didn't respond which I was grateful for. I was too busy worrying about her to attempt to make small talk at that moment. I was more afraid for her life than mine. For her life more than anyone's life. The words that Bellatrix and her cronies spoke on Thursday corroborated James' story that Voldemort was trying to destroy him by taking out all of those in his life.

And as much as he thought breaking up with Lily would solve that issue for her, it ended up doing the opposite.

"Alright, things got depressing far too fast. Time to change the subject," Lily said, interrupting my thoughts.

I shrugged. "How are things going with Shane?"

Panic rested in her eyes as she slowly met my gaze. "Er…well, we…"

That didn't sound good. "Well what?"

She frowned. "We broke up."

I wasn't sure if that made me happy or sad. But based on the pained expression on her face, she was definitely sad. "Oh, Lily. I'm…I'm so sorry."

"Are you?"

"What?"

"Are you sorry?"

My brow furrowed in confusion. "Well, of course I am. Why...why wouldn't I be?"

She shrugged. "I know that everyone's so used to me being with James that me being with someone else kinda threw you all for a loop."

"I've come to the realization that there's no such thing as consistency," I said in all honestly. "Was I used to you and James together? Of course. We all were. But that doesn't mean I'm not sorry you and Shane broke up. I know he made you happy and that's all any of us want for each other."

She offered me a small smile, sipping her beer slowly. "Do you think any of us will ever truly find that again?"

"Find what?"

She locked eyes with me, determination blazing from within. "Happiness."

My heart skipped a beat. A question I wasn't so sure could possibly be answered. "I hope so," I muttered. "I really hope so."

She quickly turned away, nodding. "Yeah," she whispered. "Me, too." She didn't say anything else but the hesitant glint in her eye told me she had something to say but wasn't sure how to say it. She actively avoided eye contact with me, biting down on the bottom of her lip.

I shot her a knowing look. "Alright, Lily-bean, what's going on?"

She sighed, fingering the label on her beer. "I want to find happiness again. I want to remember what that feels like. I want…no, I need to remember the happiness I felt before James. Without James. I need to figure out who the hell I was before that relationship. Who I can be without him."

"You sound like James," I blurted out without realizing it.

She gazed up at me curiously. "What?"

I shrugged. "He pretty much said the same thing word-for-word yesterday," I explained.

She frowned, frustration framing her expression. "We were together for four years, Sirius," she muttered, the bitterness dripping in her every word. "And now we're not. If he wants to find himself, I don't blame him. It's all any of us really wants."

"Tell me about it," I muttered, a flashback of the summer after Riley left skimming through my mind. "But, Lily-bean, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I wish someone had told me this four years ago." I frowned hesitantly, thinking about Riley's disappearance. I sighed. "So it's my turn to let you know that unfortunately happiness isn't so easy to find in the wake of heartbreak."

She glanced up at my, nodding slowly. "I know," she spoke. She hesitated, clearly thinking her next words through carefully. "And it's a lot harder trying to do it in a world that reminds me of him."

I had no idea what that meant. "What are you trying to say?"

She didn't respond immediately, finishing off her beer with a long swig. She slowly placed the empty bottle on the coffee table in front of us before turning to face me. "I'm moving to the States."

---

++LILY++

I waited for any sort of reaction from him but it didn't come. He blinked twice, staring up at me in confused shock. Finally he cleared his throat and said, "What did you just say?"

I wasn't surprised by that. "I got a promotion and am moving to the Philadelphia office."

Once again, he felt silent, his expression moving from shock to hesitation and eventually rested on disappointment. "You're…you're leaving?" he finally choked out.

I nodded warily.

He pursed his lips. "You really think leaving all of us behind is the answer to your problems?"

No, but it was a start. "I don't know, Sirius, but staying here hasn't been the answer either. I just need some clarity. Clarity away from all of this."

"So you're pulling a Riley," he snapped coolly.

Ouch. "That's not fair," I reacted immediately, shooting him a look. "Riley disappeared like a ghost in the night. At least I'm giving you fair warning."

"Oh, so that makes it alright?"

"I don't know what's alright anymore, Sirius," I shot back, frustration seeping in my eyes. "But I can't live like this anymore! I can't be working in a place only a few floors above James. I can't surround myself with people who are in his life, too. I don't know how to go from being a girlfriend to being an individual living around the people who knew me as James' girlfriend. I need to be on my own right now, Sirius. You have to be able to understand that."

He didn't respond but I could see the defeat in his eyes. I knew he did understand even if he didn't want to. "I know," he whispered. "I just…well, call me selfish but I don't want you to go."

I smiled sadly, nudging him with my knee in an attempt to comfort him. "I know. But I won't be gone forever."

"You better not," he muttered, shooting me a look as he took a swig of beer. He made a face as he let out another sigh. "I mean, at least with James' attempt at finding himself, he'll only be gone for a short while. What am I going to do-"

"Whoa, what? James is actually taking a vacation? James Potter?"

He glanced up at me hesitantly, producing a small shrug. "No," he said softly. He met my gaze with determination and said firmly, "He going to be helping to head the recruitment training mission."

I froze, staring up at my friend in shock. I didn't say anything immediately, trying to wrap my head around those words. "Uh…is that wise?"

"Ask him. It was his choice to go."

"Is he a complete moron?"

A small smile tugged at the end of Sirius' lips. "I'm assuming you already know the answer to that."

"His brother died on one of those missions. On two of the missions James went on as a recruit, they were attacked. Is he actively looking for ways to get himself killed?"

"Like I said, ask him," he said skeptically.

I frowned, shaking my head. "I'm not talking to him, Sirius. After what he said to me in the hospital, I have no more respect for him. He's not the guy I thought he was."

It was his turn to frown. "What did he say to you in the hospital?"

I glanced up at him in surprise. "He didn't tell you?"

"He neglected to tell me anything about that night."

My eyes lingered on him hesitantly before turning away warily. "It doesn't matter what he said. Just know that I'm done with him."

"Hence why you're moving across the Atlantic Ocean."

I could have said there was more to it, but it would have been a lie. I couldn't lead the life I wanted to live in England. There were too many memories and too much heartache. I needed to figure out what I wanted and who I wanted before I completely lost myself. And to do that, I needed to be on my own for a while. "I need this, Sirius."

He glanced at me curiously, his eyes bearing suspicion. "Running away isn't the answer, Lily," he eventually spoke, his words tainted with slight annoyance.

I frowned. "I'm not running away. I'm trying to run towards something."

He sighed. "You're not that naïve, Lily-bean."

"Excuse me?"

"You want to spout out a bunch of bullshit conjectures about how you need to go and find yourself, I can't stop you. But that's all it is. Just bullshit. I get that you feel as if you need to get away from James and from your relationship, but I don't want to hear your bullshit excuses. So what's the real reason, Lily? Why are you really moving to the States?"

"I told you why. If you don't want to believe me, that's your problem, not mine," I snapped, irritated as I climbed off the couch. Grabbing both of our empty beer bottles, I headed towards the kitchen.

I wasn't surprised when he quickly followed me, leaning up against the doorway entrance. "Talk to me, Lily-bean," he said softly. "What's really going on?"

As I chucked the empty bottles into the recycling bin, I felt the tears rush to my eyes unexpectedly. I quickly blinked them away, swallowing the onset of sorrow. I turned back to face him, but when I saw the true concern in his eyes, I couldn't stop the tears from falling. "You want to know what James told me on Thursday in the hospital?"

He twitched, clearly wavering between rushing to my side and staying put. He chose the latter. "I'm not sure. Do I want to know?"

I met his gaze, wiping the tears from the cheeks as I attempted to compose myself. "He told me that he loved me," I spat out in a hurt whisper, the anger in my voice unmistakable.

Surprise shone in Sirius' eyes. "He…he did?"

"Yeah," I muttered, shaking my head skeptically. "Those were the words I had been waiting to hear since our ill-fated Anniversary. Those were the words I had dreamed about. The words that I wanted to hear more than anything."

Sirius blinked. "So…call me crazy, but you don't seem so excited about this for having dreamed about it."

"Excited?" I scowled, bitterness spewing from my words. "The only reason he said it was because I was lying on my deathbed! He said it because he felt sorry for me. He said it because the woman he had once loved was near death. He said it because he felt guilty. He doesn't love me. He proved that by telling me that on our Anniversary. Telling me he loves me while I'm on the verge of dying isn't love, Sirius. It's convenience. And in that moment, I hated him. I hated him so much for even remotely thinking that telling me he loved me as I wavered between life and death was something I needed to hear. All it did was remind me as I woke up from my state of unconsciousness that…that I didn't have him in my life. And you know what I thought in that moment? Before I could even hate him, you know what crossed my mind?"

While I was obviously about to tell him, he shook his head anyway.

"That I-I…that…that maybe…" my voice broke as the tears slid down my cheeks faster than ever, reminded of what I had thought about when I first woke up. I hadn't told anyone, barely even admitted to myself, the truth behind that instant in time. A millisecond of a lifetime of billions and billions of seconds. Just one millisecond that could have changed my life forever if I had truly wanted it to.

I tried to catch my breath as the tears flooded into sobs with little success. In seconds, Sirius was by my side, wrapping his arms protectively around me. My face fell into his sweater as I let the sobs overtake me. I don't know how long we stood there like that, me crying like a baby into my friend's shirt, but eventually the sobs subsided and I finished what I was trying to say in a hoarse whisper, "I thought that maybe I would have been better off dead."

His arms stiffened around me as he slowly pulled back, the fear evident in his eyes.

"Even more than me hating James in that moment, I hated myself more," I continued before he could even say anything. "When did I become so dependent on James and our relationship where I literally didn't even want to live my life without him? What does that make me, Sirius?"

"A good girlfriend," he responded, wiping his thumb underneath my eye to rid the stray tears.

"Yeah, exactly," I muttered.

He winced as he realized what he had just said.

"Except I'm not his girlfriend. So what it doesn't make me is a good version of myself," I whispered.

He frowned.

"So me moving to Philadelphia isn't just about finding myself, although that is a huge part of it. It's more about surviving myself, Sirius. So please," I said softly, the pleading in my voice and in my eyes unmistakable. "Let me go."

He hesitated, taking a step backwards as he gazed down at me. Slowly, he nodded. "Alright," he whispered. "But please, Lily. Promise me you won't rid yourself from our lives forever. Because as much as you need to be on your own right now, I'm always going to need you."

I smiled sadly and nodded, my heart breaking at how vulnerable he suddenly looked. I could only imagine what I looked like.

I wanted to make that promise to him, to let him know that I, too, needed him and that I would never be able to forget the friends that had truly changed my life. The friends that had been there for me every step of the way. Who had been my crying shoulders and the friends I turned to when I needed a good laugh. The friends who helped me accept what had happened to my parents. The friends who helped me learn to love and who watched me fall in love. The friends who were there to listen to my complaints and provide me with advice. The friends who had inevitably become my family.

Only problem was, one of those friends had been James Potter. And I wasn't so sure I would ever be able to look at anyone else – not Kay or Sirius or Remus or Peter or Lance or Dezzy or Drew or Frank or Alice or anyone who had entered my life in the past four years – without thinking about James.

So I said nothing. I simply drew Sirius into my arms and embraced him. It was my way of saying thank you.

And it was my way of saying good-bye.

---

++SIRIUS++

Everyone was leaving. It shouldn't have surprised me considering how often it occurred with the group of people I surrounded myself with, but it sucked nonetheless. Nothing was going the way it was supposed to. We were best friends. That was supposed to get us through the tough times. We should have felt support from one another, not the need to run.

As I roamed the streets (stupid I know after being attacked a week earlier but it was as if I was numb to the risks knowing that the future was looking bleak without my friends in it), I thought about all of the memories I shared with both Lily and James. Together and separately.

James was the first person who saw me as Sirius and not as a Black. He accepted me for who I was – the good, the bad, the ugly. He never judged. He yelled at me and berated me and scolded me when I was acting like an idiot, but he never judged me. I was grateful for it every day.

Lily saw me when I was down and did all of the right things to pick me back up again. She didn't harass me into telling her why I was down. She didn't force fun into my life. No, she just sat by my side with a book in one hand and and a quill in another and distracted me from the shittiness that I created in my life. She didn't know why my friends were avoiding me, but she didn't care to know. She just cared about me. It had been refreshing at the time considering how little I had cared of myself.

They started out as individuals. Opposite individuals who made it known to everyone that they despised each other. And yet somewhere down the line, they stopped despising each other and fell in love. They weren't individuals anymore. They were James and Lily, forever and always. I knew when they broke up it wouldn't be easy for either one to move on. I knew that it would take a lot of strength to find their individuality they had once possessed. But these two have been through so many tragedies, together and apart, that I never once thought they wouldn't be able to get through this. But as it turned out, the only reason they ever had any strength was because of each other.

I hadn't realized where my legs were taking me until I glanced up and noticed the old, rusting street sign. But it certainly made sense.

If I was looking to talk to someone about the cowardice of walking away from love, there was only one person I knew that fit that role.

---

++RILEY++

I had just returned home to an empty house when there was a knock at my door. I threw my bag on to the kitchen table and went to open the door.

I was shocked to see Sirius standing there. "Sirius. What-"

"Why are people so convinced that leaving is the only answer?"

Before I could even attempt to wrap my mind around those words, Sirius was slipping past me into my apartment. "Er…come in, I guess," I muttered, shutting the door behind us. I turned around to find Sirius pacing across the living room floor. "Sirius, what are you doing here?"

"Why?" he asked, his voice filled with bitterness. "Why is it that people aren't willing to stick around and face the hard facts of life? Does leaving really ever solve any problems? Did it solve yours?"

This wasn't a Sirius I was used to seeing. He was frantic, desperate even. His eyes were wide with anger, his frown filled with despair. I let out a sigh and said, "Want a drink?"

He scowled. "Seriously? That's what you're going to say to me right now? You're not even going to attempt to provide me with any answers to my questions?"

"Sirius-"

"Of course I'll take a drink!"

I ventured into the dining room to open up our liquor cabinet. I pulled out the nearly full bottle of Ogden's firewhisky and grabbed two glasses. I walked back into the living room and saw Sirius fidgeting on the couch. I thought it prudent to take the armchair as I poured us both a drink. I handed him one of the glasses and he downed it in a second. He reached his hand out again for me to pour him another and I obliged.

"May I ask the reason behind the sudden questions, Sirius?" I asked, sipping my firewhisky slowly.

"You mean besides the fact that you left four years ago?"

I frowned. "I think we both know these questions aren't about me."

He turned to look at me and I could see such resignation in his eyes. "Maybe not but you're a good person to ask them to."

My lips pursed curiously. "Do you really want to know why I left, Sirius?"

He sighed, slowly shaking his head. "I don't know," he muttered. "I'm afraid of what the answer might be."

I hesitated. "Or are you just afraid that once you get the answer, you may find a reason to forgive me?"

His eyebrows narrowed. "Excuse me?" he asked, his voice cold with resentment.

I sighed. "You have every right to harbor anger towards me. You have every right to be upset with me and you have every right to hate what I did. You'll probably always feel this way. But I think it's a lot easier holding all of that over my head when you don't have any of the answers to the questions you've been asking yourself for four years. Well, I'm sitting here in front of you telling you if you want to hear the answers, I'll give them to you. Except we both know you don't want them. Not yet. You still want to be angry and upset and hateful. Because the moment you stop is the moment you might be able to forgive me. And you're not ready to do that yet."

I expected him to lash out at me. I expected him to deny it all. To yell at me and scold me. Instead, he finished off his drink and said, "I hate that you still know me so well."

I didn't know what to say to that so I merely took his glass and poured him more firewhisky, filling it to the brim this time. I handed it back to him, feeling his defeated gaze on me. "It's still so weird seeing you again, Sirius," I found myself saying, a smile resting on my face.

His gaze didn't falter from mine. "Weird?"

I shrugged. "You were such a big part of my life. First, as my friend. Then as my enemy. And finally as my-" I stopped short.

"Your what?" he dared to ask, the hesitance in his eyes unmistakable.

My smile wavered as I finished off my drink in one gulp. "As my first love," I spoke softly.

He froze, his body stiffening in the aftershock of my admission.

"I hope that in all of the questions you asked yourself over the past four years, Sirius, that you never had to question if I really loved you or not," I whispered.

He blinked, a reluctant frown appearing on his weary expression. He downed the firewhisky in one sip before saying, "How could I not, Riley? You…you told me you love me and then three days later you disappeared."

"It was because I loved you that I left," I urged desperately.

He frowned, frustration seeping from his eyes. He swiped the firewhisky from the table and poured himself another glass without another word. He let the liquid slide down his throat in one swig and practically tossed the empty glass on to the table in front of him. With one last withering glance towards me, he stood up and headed towards the door. "You know what I can't figure out?" he said, his hand on the doorknob. He let out a reluctant sigh and turned around to face me. "How loving someone can possibly translate into leaving them behind."

I should have let that be the end of it, but I couldn't. As he walked out of my apartment, I found myself chasing after him. "Sirius, please," I said, stopping him before he reached the end of the hallway.

"I hate that we keep doing this," he said, whirling around to glare at me. "One minute, I want to scream at you. The next minute I don't care anymore. Then I want to hate you and in the next minute, I know I don't. It's exasperating is what it is. I just have no idea what to think or do around you right now."

"Sirius-"

"All I know is that I keep ending up back here," he said softly, the glare subsiding into reluctance.

I leaned up against the wall with a frown, my eyes never leaving his. "It's because you want answers from me," I said softly. "You just don't want to ask the questions."

He blinked. "Stop doing that. Stop reading my mind and telling me what I'm thinking."

I hesitated. "Why? Because it reminds you of the way we used to be together?"

He scowled. "I said to stop doing that."

My heart skipped a beat and the next words were out of my mouth before I could stop them, "I thought after all these years, we'd be able to turn it off, but it's…it's like nothing has changed. It's still you and me, Sirius."

"No," he muttered, shaking his head. "That's where you're wrong. You broke up the you and the me the moment you walked out."

I turned away from him, sighing knowingly. "I know," I said, hanging my head. "But that doesn't mean turning off what we had is easy."

"What we had," he repeated through gritted teeth. "Past tense. Not present, not future. We don't have anything anymore, Riley. You made that perfectly clear by disappearing the way you did. There is no you and me, Riley."

The words should have wounded me but they didn't. They just sounded hesitant. "Don't you think there's always going to be a you and me? If even just a little bit?"

He met my gaze and I wondered if his heart was beating as fast as mine. "There can't be a you and me, Riley," he whispered desperately. "There just…there can't be."

As I looked over at him, I found myself very aware that the words he was saying sounded more hollow than they should have been. As if he was trying to convince himself more than me that there wasn't an us, not after all that had happened. He looked so defeated and yet confused. Angry and yet disheartened. I felt my heart speed up as I took a hesitant step towards him, blocking the elevator so that he couldn't have an easy escape. As I glanced up into his heartbroken eyes, I couldn't help myself with my next question. "Then what are you doing here, Sirius?" I whispered.

I couldn't tell you how much time passed as I waited for some sort of answer, our eyes locking together as if some invisible force was keeping our gazes fixated on one another. I wanted him to say something, anything to ease the built-up tension forming between us. The same tension that had always been there between us. The same tension that had never gone away even after four years. He was still the man I had once fallen in love with. He would always be the man I shared my first love with. We would always have that. Even after the heartbreak and tears and anger and betrayal, we still had those eighteen-year-old hormonal teenagers in our hearts. Just because I had opened my heart to another man didn't mean I had closed my heart for my first love. It just meant I had learned to tuck it away from the outside world and even myself. And looking into his own helpless eyes, I knew his heart was struggling with his own tucked away feelings.

"Unfortunately," Sirius said softly, finally answering my question. "I think we both know that the answer to that question will always be the same."

Before I could respond, he closed the already tight gap between us and kissed me.

As he instinctively pushed me up against the wall, his lips dancing hungrily against mine, the thought crossed my mind that I was engaged to another man and this was wrong. I should have pushed Sirius away. I should have told him I was getting married to someone else. I should have told him to get off of me. Yes, that's what I should have done. But I didn't.

Instead, I kissed him back.

---

A/N: Aaaaand we've got a cliffhanger... Well, what can I say - we have Kay and Lance making up (yay!), Lily moving away (boo), James putting himself in danger (what?), Sirius moving back into Potter Manor (finally!), and then we have Sirius and Riley kissing. DID THAT JUST HAPPEN? Guess you'll have to review if you want the next chapter up!