Goodbyes On The Balcony

by ByeByeBirdie

3 years after Hogwarts, James and Lily are back with old and new friends by their side. Their lives are motivated by fear, their world surrounded by immense danger. As they each fight for their lives and for their loved ones in a world centered around Voldemort, the struggle to survive the war against him is nothing compared to the struggle to survive the wars within themselves.

39. Of Mistakes, Secrets, & Chapters

A/N: Well, this story is slowly getting to where I want it to go and I want to thank all of you for you support and reviews and dedication! I wouldn't put the hours into editing and reviewing the upcoming chapters without them.

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Goodbyes on the Balcony

By ByeByeBirdie

Chapter 39: Of Mistakes, Secrets, & Chapters

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++SIRIUS++

I hadn't gone over to her apartment to sleep with her. To be frank, I wasn't completely sure why I had decided to seek her out. I was angry and upset and frustrated and she was the one who had caused it all inexplicably, but I should have just stayed away. If I had, I wouldn't have been searching for my shirt on her bedroom floor while she sat stoic in bed saying nothing at all. I was thankful for that.

While I rummaged around for my slacks, I found myself realizing that it was as if nothing had changed in four years even though so much had. When we had kissed each other, flashbacks of our eighteen-year-old selves snogging came rushing to me. When our clothes had been discarded to the floor, I was reminded of the many times our clothes became strewn around that dungeon floor. When she had moaned my name, I was suddenly teleported back to my teenage days when her moans made me feel like the luckiest man alive. Her lips still felt the same, her body was still incredible, and it was still the best sex I ever had.

Sex that never should have happened.

What the hell was wrong with me?

"What did we just do?" Riley finally moaned from the bed, the sheet pulled all the way up to her chin. "Oh my God, what did…why? Why did that just happen? How?"

"I hope you're not expecting an answer from me," I muttered, "Because I got to tell you, I have no explanations for you."

Riley didn't say anything as I threw on the rest of my clothes. I was actively trying to avoid the numerous photos hung up around the room displaying the happy couple that was supposed to be Riley and Rhett.

When my clothes were once again draped over my body, I finally turned to her. I wanted to apologize, to tell her I had never meant for it to happen but the words wouldn't form. "I'm…I'm not going to tell anyone what happened here, Riley," I said softly. I knew that's what she wanted.

She blinked, making it her mission to not make eye contact with me. "That won't change the fact that it happened."

Yes, I was still very aware of that fact, Riley. "Would you want it to?" I dared to ask.

Her mouth formed a thin line as she tried desperately not to let the tears spill out. "I-I…I'm…fuck, I'm engaged," she whispered guiltily.

I winced, the elephant that had been in the room the whole time finally being voiced. "I realize that, Riley," I said bitterly, offended by the slight accusatory tone in her voice. "Do you realize that you didn't answer the question?"

She finally met my gaze. "This shouldn't have happened," she said in a small voice.

I slowly walked over to the bed, my gaze never leaving hers. "I know," I agreed in a hoarse murmured. As I glanced at her, I wondered if she was avoiding the question because she had an answer or because she didn't. If I was being honest with myself, I knew that I didn't have an answer to my own question so I couldn't expect her to. So I didn't bother pushing it. "I'm…I'm so sorry, Riley," I blurted out.

I could see her fighting with herself to not look up at me, the regret in her eyes unmistakable. She whispered, "For what exactly?"

My heart raced at the edge of vulnerability in her question. "You were right," I murmured. "This shouldn't have happened. I-I hate that it came to this. And I hate that I put you in an uncomfortable position with…well, you know. And I hate that it's uncomfortable between us. I hate that we keep playing this cat and mouse game and I hate that that game led us here. And what I especially hate is that…that this unfortunately doesn't change anything between us and it definitely doesn't change the fact that you left four years ago the way you did."

That got her attention.

"But what I hate the most," I said softly, "is that there was a strong part of me that actually thought it might."

When I slowly lifted my gaze towards her, the tear sliding down her cheek was the only thing I could see. She looked so hurt and confused and desperate that I just wanted to reach out to her and tell her that everything was okay.

But that would have been a lie.

What the hell was wrong with me?

Without so much as another word or glance her way, I rushed out of her apartment.

As I escaped into the darkness of the night, I replayed every minute of that night through my head wondering how it was possible that things could have ended up where they did. I had had no intention of sleeping with her or even just kissing her. I truly had gone there for some sort of answer. But she had been right before. As much as I wanted the answers, I wasn't ready to ask the questions. I was still very much angry and upset and hurt with her and until I could look past any of that, I was still going to keep those questions in my head.

I would never admit it aloud but I knew in the deepest crevice of my heart that I wasn't completely ready to say good-bye to the life we had shared together. To the person I had been with her. To the happiness I had felt when I had been with her. It was easier enjoying life and looking forward to the future when you had someone who felt the same way standing by your side. The moment she left she stripped me of a lot more than relationship status. She took my hopes for the future and my happiness for life with her. And all she gave me in return was a hole where my heart should have been.

I wanted to believe that that hole could be filled even without forgiveness, but it was obvious that it couldn't. Until I forgave her, nothing would ever be able to change with us.

The problem was, I didn't know how to find the courage to forgive her.

Actually what I really didn't know was what I would feel once I forgave her. Forgiveness stood in the way of the future I had been holding back from myself. I've kept Riley's betrayal bottled up for four years and have never been able to let go.

Here I was saying I wasn't ready to say good-bye, but maybe it wasn't good-bye I wanted. Maybe a part of me still craved her. Still craved what we had. Maybe it wasn't anger that I felt when I thought of her moving on with Rhett. Maybe it was jealousy. Maybe I just wanted to believe that what we once had was real. That the love I felt in my heart was true love and not just same naïve teenage boy's version of it. Maybe I just wanted her.

No, what I really wanted was myself. Because the moment Riley had walked away from me was the moment I lost myself.

Deep down, I was torn with what that could mean. It could mean that I only felt like the best version of myself with her by my side. Or it could mean that until I forgave her for how she left me, I would never be able to look past it and find out who I wanted to be.

I knew that this was what I was so scared of. It was why I couldn't ask her the questions I wanted the answers to. Not until I figured out what it was I wanted with her. Only then would I be able to forgive her. And only then would I be able to forgive myself.

"Sirius?"

I yelped, whirling around. "Merlin's beard, Lily-bean, you scared the crap out of me!"

She snickered. "Sorry. What are you doing out so late?"

Panic was what I felt. "Er…well…I-I…I was at Blarney's."

Her eyes narrowed. "No, you weren't. I was just at Blarney's."

"With?"

"Does it matter?"

I shrugged. "I would have assumed Keegan but seeing as she's not with you, I-"

"I was with her. She went over to Victor's."

"Ah. I—wait one second here. Does that mean you just walked back from Blarney's? By yourself?"

She blinked. "Er…yeah? Why do-"

"What were you thinking!? Do you not remember the last time we tried to take a stroll with Blarney's as the end destination? Have you lost your mind?"

"Weren't you just walking alone?"

"Not from Blarney's!"

"So you admit you weren't at Blarney's."

"Don't change the subject!"

"Technically you changed it first considering you never actually told me what you were up to except a blatant lie."

Damn, I was hoping it wouldn't get back to that. "Are you trying to get yourself killed?" I muttered, ushering her inside of our apartment building.

"Are you trying to avoid the question?"

"Yes. Can you drop it?"

She frowned. "Is everything alright?"

"Just peachy. You want to come in?" I asked as we reached our landing, nodding towards my door.

"Only if you'll tell me what you're attempting to hide."

"Guess this is good night then."

She chuckled, pulling out her own keys. "Good night it is," she spoke as she put her keys in the door and opened it.

"Don't take any more leisurely strolls to or from Blarney's!" I cried out after her.

She chuckled and was about to shut the door when I found myself hesitantly following her, thoughts of guilt and betrayal weighing heavily on my mind. "Wait, Lily," I said, holding my hand out to stop the door from slamming.

She glanced back at me. "Yeah?"

I frowned, my heart beginning to race as I stared up into Lily's eyes. "I've made a lot of terrible decisions in my life. A lot that I'm not proud of and of which I'll regret until the day I die. So I just wanted to say I'm sorry."

She gazed at me in confusion. "For…for what exactly?"

Overwhelming regret filled my heart. "For, uh, what happened between us on the night that you and James…" I trailed off, unable to even form the words on my tongue.

She froze as a light hue of scarlet appeared on her cheeks. "I-I thought we had agreed to never mention that again," she muttered.

I cringed. "I know," I muttered. "But I-I never apologized to you and you deserve that much."

"We were both at fault for that night, Sirius," she sighed. She hesitated. "Actually, the tequila was at fault."

I cracked a smile. "I know. I-I just…it's time I start truly taking responsibility for my past regretful mistakes. You just happened to be the first person I ran into who deserved an apology."

She frowned. "Where is this coming from, Sirius? It seems a bit out of the blue."

Yeah, well sleeping with your ex-girlfriend who is engaged to someone else can do that to a person. "I don't know," I lied. "I-I just feel guilty, that's all."

"Well, don't," she muttered, shrugging awkwardly.

My eyebrow quirked instinctively. "You're telling me you don't feel guilty for that night?"

She sighed. "No, I do. I always will. But…but we just need to let it be in the past and move on."

"I'm trying."

She offered a small smile. "Yeah, me too."

I found myself sharing a smile with her, unexpectedly saying, "Do you remember when we became friends?"

She nodded almost immediately. "Yeah. I always used to think you were such a jackass – even worse than James actually, but-"

"Gee, thanks!"

She cracked a smile. "Oh please. You egged him on."

I grinned. "You know me so well."

She nodded knowingly. "I do. And it started when you and the Marauders were going through a rough time. That was when I first saw you as you and not the Marauder. I didn't know what happened between the four of you, but I could tell you needed someone to believe in you. So I did. And you let me. That's when we became friends and we haven't turned back since."

I should have smiled at the memory, but instead anger and hatred towards myself grew from deep within. "I never told you why they all hated me at that time, did I?"

"I never asked you to."

I frowned. "It's another prime example of one of my horrible decisions."

"You don't have to tell me, Sirius."

"Maybe I don't have to but you deserve the truth after all these years."

She hesitated and I could tell she was slightly curious. So before I could stop myself, I told her the whole story. Of how I was so angry with Snape for attempting to befriend Regulus. For being so angry I wanted to get back at him. For Snape making a mockery of me that day letting me know that my own brother would be the only proud Black son by eventually joining Voldemort's ranks. For needing to make a mockery of Snape right back and hence, telling him the secret of the Whomping Willow. I told Lily how I had been so proud at the time when I told James what I had done. I mentioned how James had run off without another word to me. How he had saved Snape before he could potentially be killed. I talked about how Remus had woken up the next morning with barely any recollection of the night before and how James had explained to him what had happened. I spoke to Lily of the anger and betrayal Remus had felt and how I had been convinced he would never be able to forgive me. How he probably never should have forgiven me. I spoke of how Peter took Remus' side. How even James had tried taking Remus' side though he had never truly given up on me.

"It was the one time in my entire life that I ever felt like a real Black," I whispered.

Lily looked at me at the end of my rant, shock and confusion resting in her eyes. I felt my heart pounding in my chest, wondering what she was thinking. I didn't ask, however. I just waited for her to say something, anything. And then suddenly I became the shocked one when she reached out to me, squeezing my hand. "We all make mistakes, Sirius," she spoke softly. "It's how we handle those mistakes that make us the people we are today. And you handled that mistake with true remorse. So maybe you are a real Black. A real Sirius Black. And that's a Black I'm immensely proud of."

I hung my head shamefully. "Why do you always believe the best in people?"

She hesitated. "Not everyone. Just those who are worth it."

I thought of earlier that night with Riley. "I'm not so sure I'm worth it, Lily," I spoke, heading back out the door.

"Hey, Sirius," she called out after me.

I hesitated before turning back around.

"Never question yourself again. You are worth it," she spoke with a frown. "We've all done horrible things in our lives, but it doesn't mean we're not worth the best. It just means we have to work harder to get it."

A lot harder. I didn't comment, instead blurting out, "I hate that you're moving away."

She met my gaze in surprise. "Sirius…"

"I do," I urged, my voice breaking guiltily. "I hate it. You're one of my closest friends, Lily-bean. You were there for me when the Marauders weren't and we've been friends ever since. I selfishly don't want to lose you. After all of the crap I've had to deal with, I never thought I'd ever have to get used to the idea of saying good-bye to you."

She frowned, the guilt in her eyes unmistakable. "This isn't good-bye," she urged. "We'll always be in each other's lives. Maybe not every day, but you and I will always be friends."

I hesitated. "I know. I'm just really going to miss you. You're one of my best friends and it's going to be really hard letting you go."

She frowned and I saw a flicker of hesitance flashing across her emerald eyes. "I have to tell you something," she blurted out.

Uh-oh. That didn't sound good. "You can tell me anything."

As she slowly lifted her gaze to meet mine, I could see intense remorse staring back at me. She looked about ready to cry and I was about to ask her what was wrong when her next words stopped me in my tracks. "I've been hanging out with Riley since the day we found out she was back."

I couldn't tell you why I froze but that's precisely what I did. Was it because I had actually stopped thinking about Riley for a few minutes and Lily reminded me of what I had done just an hour earlier? Was it because I was shocked Lily would admit that? Was it because I was angry or felt betrayed? Was it because I felt guilty that she felt so guilty when I was the one who just slept with her that night? Or was it just because I hated that our lives have somehow all become revolved around Riley Gilmore? "You…you what?" I asked for lack of anything better to say.

"I-I'm sorry, Sirius," she murmured. "After what happened with James, I just needed a fr-"

"If the next word out of your mouth is going to be friend, please refrain from saying it aloud," I whispered, the shock wearing off to be replaced with anger. I shouldn't have been angry. I had just come back from sleeping with Riley, so the idea that Lily was trying to find comfort in our old friend shouldn't have been that surprising. But it was. And it was hurtful and deceitful and a huge slap in the face. I had thought that Lily and I were both just struggling to find ourselves after losing the people we loved most in the world. She wasn't supposed to be finding herself with the one girl that made me lose myself. Not Lily.

Why did it seem as if everyone else could forgive Riley but me?

"Do you realize how ridiculous that is, Lily?" I continued with a low growl. "She's not a friend. If she was, she wouldn't have left the way she did! And you can't change what happened with James by replacing some hole in your heart with some old friendship that should have been irreparable! She left us, Lily. How can you possibly forgive her for that!?"

"If you had let me finish what I was going to say, you would have heard me say that I just needed a friend who hadn't watched me fall in love with a guy who didn't love me back," she retaliated softly with a shake of the head. "It was nearly impossible looking you or Remus or Peter or even Kay in the eye after the humiliation I felt from my break up with James. You guys knew me too well. You knew us too well. Was it a copout running to her? Yes. I realize that. But you will never understand how I felt after James-"

"You don't think I understand heartbreak, Lily?" I interrupted, the anger slowly dissipating into pure, unadulterated despair. "You don't think I understand the concept of losing the person you love? You don't think I understand what it's like to feel the need to get away? To hide from the world? I understand it, Lily. And you know why? Because the girl you've been in cahoots with for the past month broke my heart!"

"Sirius, I'm sorry," she whispered frantically, shaking her head. "I just-"

"I really don't think you are," I blurted out in a hoarse whisper, turning my gaze away from her as I refused to let her see the grief in my eyes. "You know what it feels like, Lily. You know how it feels to be betrayed by someone you truly care about. You know what it's like to feel as if your heart is being ripped out of your chest and stomped on by a herd of giants. You know that what feels like! But you know what I never once thought I'd have to deal with?"

"Sirius-"

"The feeling of you betraying me," I whispered, my heading filling with self-doubt and overwhelming confusion.

"I never meant to betray you," she whispered. "I just-"

"There is no 'I just,'" he snapped. "There's no excuse. None. I...I don't even know what to say to you right now. James might be hanging out with her, too, but he had the decency to blow up at her first. You just accepted her back as if nothing ever happened. As if she didn't betray us. How could you do that?"

Her bottom lip trembled. "I was in a low place," she whispered. "I just...I saw her as a way out."

I didn't even acknowledge her words. "I can't name a single time in my entire life that I ever felt betrayed by you, Lily. Not one. I can't say the same about my other friends but you have always been there for me. You've always been someone I could turn to and vice versa. We never liked to admit it but we are very similar and it brought us together. We both lost our childhood. We lost our way at some point in our lives. And yet we found a way to move past that with the help of solid friendships. I'm not saying we're prefect because we're not. We've had our arguments and disagreements, but we always found our way back to each other."

"Sirius-"

"And then you completely turned your back on me when you and James broke up."

She blinked, clearly not expecting that. "What?"

I felt my bottom lip tremble and I bit down on it to not display any sign of vulnerability to the girl I thought I knew but clearly didn't. "That was one of the biggest slaps in the face I've ever had to deal with. You shunned me from your life, pushing me away and avoiding me as if I meant nothing to you. I hated you for that," I admitted, gritting my teeth. "I hated that you could only see me as James' best friend and not yours. But I got over it because once again you found your way back to me and I couldn't imagine not forgiving you."

"Sirius, please just-"

"But to find out that not only did you turn your back on me, a friend who has always been there for you through everything, but you ended up running into the arms of the girl who made us all feel as if we didn't matter? You couldn't talk to me or be around me because you felt betrayed by James and yet you ran to a girl who betrayed us so unexpectedly and painfully? That's…that's unforgiveable, Lily," I snapped, my glare intensifying into frantic disdain as I once again turned to look at her. I ignored the remorse in her eyes. I pretended not to see the apology in her pleading frown. I disregarded the guilt resting in her expression. "So I take back what I said earlier. You're no friend of mine."

"Sirius-" she cried out desperately but it was too late. I was storming out of her apartment and slamming the door behind me, ignoring the guilty sobs I heard escape her lips.I couldn't say another word to her much less look at her. Lily had always been my rock. When times were truly difficult or stressful, she had become someone who I instinctively turned to in order to help me cope. She always knew what to say to make me feel better and I had always migrated to her for that reason alone. We have had our rifts throughout the years, but I had a strong suspicion it was because she and I were so alike. We never talked about our childhoods or her parents' death or my need to run away from my family or the feeling of empty loneliness that rested in our heart because of all of this, but that is what had ultimately drawn us together. We knew what the other was thinking at almost any given time and because of it, we sought each other out in times of trouble because we knew we wouldn't have to discuss it. We would just get it with a single look. I never had to explain myself to her and it was refreshing to know that someone just got me for the damaged, unsettling person I was.

Looking back I could see that at some point over time, I found myself taking her for granted. I had always expected her to be by my side. I had always assumed that our friendship was strong enough to overcome anything. Whatever else was going on in the world – death, love, hate, tragedy – I always thought that Lily and I could still be friends because we had already overcome the tragedy of being all alone in the world due to our own unfortunate family disasters. I had always believed she and I would last forever.

As it so happened, she had only ever believed we would last until she and James broke up. It still killed me to this day that she had found it so easy to cast me aside. It hadn't been the first time someone had ever given up on me but I had never expected it from her. I had been truly blind-sided.

Turns out that blow to my ego was nothing compared to the smack in the face that she had just sent my way.

Which probably would have held a lot more weight in my heart if I hadn't just slept with the girl that had led to my blow-up with Lily.

I couldn't help but wonder which was worse. The betrayal I felt from Lily for mingling with the enemy.

Or the betrayal I felt in my own heart for mingling with the very same enemy.

WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH ME?

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++RILEY++

I needed to get out. Away from the place that had numerous reminders of my husband-to-be strewn about. The photos adorning the wall looked as if they were sending me judging looks. The scent of his cologne buried my nose with guilt. His shoes left by the front door and one of his jackets hanging on the coat rack were just a mere reminder that his essence was everywhere. I had no idea where to go but I just knew I couldn't stay there.

I was a horrible person. The worst. Biggest bitch on the planet. There have been several times I haven't been proud of the person I was, but this was my lowest moment ever. I had never once been a cheater. No, I watched and I cried as the first guy I ever loved cheated on me barely a week after getting together. Ironically that first guy was Sirius. But that did not make it okay to cheat on the love my life with that same guy who broke my heart so many years ago due to his cheating ways.

I fucking hated irony.

While it would have been nice to put full blame on Sirius Black, I knew that it was just a copout. The moment Sirius' lips had crashed upon mine, I was powerless to stop it. It was like I was that eighteen-year-old teenage girl again and the only two people in the world that mattered was me and Sirius. The lust that had once ignited our young relationship had reappeared in the form of a forbidden hunger that had escaped us for four years. I could pretend that I hadn't wanted him, but I think actions speak louder than words.

I knew that if I was honest with myself that I had been afraid of tonight being inevitable since the moment I ran into him at the coffee shop. Not because I still had feelings for him (did I?) or because a part of me missed having sex with him by any means but because it was as if I knew that all of our pent-up anger and frustration and the pain in our hearts was going to lead us to a moment of pure weak intimacy.

Intimacy that I knew we both regretted.

As I stood outside my brother's door, I was very aware of the tears that were staining my cheeks. I hated myself for crying. I wasn't allowed to be remorseful when I got myself into this mess, but no matter how hard I tried to suppress the tears, they continued to fall. I tried swiping them away but a new freshly set of tears would just quickly fall to replace them. When I was able to catch my breath, I finally knocked,

And I was very shocked when Kay opened the door.

"Kay," I greeted awkwardly, blinking the tears resting in my eyelids away quickly. "Uh…hi."

She simply nodded.

"So you and Lance are…?"

"Yes," she responded shortly. "Lance and I are."

"Oh, well I'm…I'm glad," I said hesitantly, my heart unexpectedly plummeting. Not because I wasn't glad, because I really was, but because all I needed in that moment was my brother and with Kay here, I couldn't have that.

"You sound it," she said sarcastically.

I felt the tears flooding to the back of my eyes again, overwhelming despair filling my heart for so many different reasons, but I tried covering it by saying, "I am glad, Kay. I hated knowing I was the reason you two broke up and if I could go back and change everything, I would. Please know that I would. I-I know that I've wronged you in so many ways and I just…I'm really sorry."

"Does that make you feel better about yourself, Riley?" Kay sneered coolly, crossing her arms and leaning up against the doorframe. "Coming up with clichés about turning back time to change your mistakes? Apologizing because you feel you should and not because you actually feel sorry? Pretending to hate yourself when we both know you don't? Here's a newsflash for you: you can't change what you did no matter how sorry you may or may not be and no matter how much you may or may not hate yourself. And wishing you could is bullshit because you had your chance to make it right. For ten months you had your chance. And you didn't do a goddamned thing to-"

"Fine! I get it, Kay. I'm a bad person!" I snapped, not in the mood to deal with Kay's anger. I was too busy dealing with my own to try and listen to her make me feel any worse about myself. "Here's a newsflash for you, Kay: I already knew that."

I whirled around as I felt the onset of tears slip down my face for what felt like the thousandth time that night.

"Do you still want to see Lance?"

"No, I'm fine!" I lied over my shoulder, my voice strained.

"Wait, Riley," Kay cried out after me.

I didn't stop, not needing her to see me crying.

"Riley!"

She caught up to me, grabbing my arm. I quickly swiped the tears underneath my eyes and whirled around to glare at her. "What?"

She took a surprised step back, locking eyes with me. "Hey, are…are you alright?"

"Like you care," I couldn't help but mutter through gritted teeth, brushing the stray tears from my cheeks. "Look, I'm sorry to interrupt your evening. And whether or not you believe me, I am glad that you and Lance are back together. I know how much you two need each other and I'm glad that you two have found your way back to one another. But before you continue to harbor ill-favored feelings towards me for the rest of our lives, you should probably know that I-I hate myself, too," I whispered, the words catching in my throat as I felt the tears rushing to my eyes once again. "You must be glad to know that you're not alone in that feeling."

Before she could provide any sort of response, I fled down the hallway and into the elevator. As the elevator doors closed in front of me, I finally stopped trying to hold the tears in and just opened the floodgates. I didn't know who I was crying for or what I crying about but I succumbed to the tears. I had so much that I had been trying to ignore for so long and in that moment, I couldn't disregard the confusion and the heartache and the guilt and the pain that rested heavily in my heart anymore.

I cried for Sirius. For the mistakes I had made with him. For walking away from our relationship the way I had. For not writing to him. For not trying to explain. For running into him at the coffee shop and for having my first words to him be 'how are you?' For still feeling some towards of pull towards him. For sleeping with him tonight even though I knew it was wrong. For wishing it didn't feel wrong.

I cried for Rhett. For taking him for granted. For truly loving him but apparently not enough to stop myself from sleeping with Sirius. For hurting Rhett unintentionally. For claiming it was unintentional but knowing in every kiss I had shared with Sirius that I was hurting Rhett unequivocally. For wondering if love was enough.

I cried for Lance. For selfishly wanting him to be my best friend and for selfishly realizing that as long as he had Kay beside him, he couldn't be there for me the way I would have liked. For knowing he deserved her over me.

I cried for Kay. For knowing I had caused so much pain to her without ever meaning to. For trying to help Lance and in the process hurting Kay in the worst way possible. For wanting to hate her as much as she hated me but knowing I never could.

Bust most of all, I cried for myself. For screwing up everything that I touched. For hurting every single person in my life. For constantly sabotaging my happiness and never letting what I had in front of me be enough. For loving Rhett in the present and yet living in my past. For letting that past haunt me. For letting that past merge with my present. For sleeping with Sirius even though I knew no good could come out of it. For wanting – no, needing to talk to the only person who had ever been willing to stay impartial on my numerous mistakes. And for knowing that I instead had to hold it all in once again because Lance was back with Kay and I didn't want to screw that up again for them.

As I tumbled into my apartment, I was finding it nearly impossible to breathe as the sobs overtook my entire body. As I slammed the door behind me, I slowly slid down it towards the ground as I crumpled into a shattered shell of myself. A person I barely recognized. Pretending to be strong all the goddamned time had only worked for so long and now my entire world was crashing down around me. And I had no one to blame but myself. I did this. I did this. Not Sirius, not Rhett, not Lance, not James or Lily, not Kay. Me. I let myself become so afraid of being vulnerable once upon a time that I turned my back on the only people in the world who would have accepted my vulnerability. And now I never felt more vulnerable in my entire life and there was no one I could share it with because I walked away from them all.

As I hugged my knees close to my chest and let the tears fall against my jeans, I was very aware of how alone I was. And I was even more aware that I deserved that. I turned my back on everyone I knew and I did that because of a sole person. Because I was afraid of giving myself wholly to that sole person. The same person who four years later I slept with in a moment of pure unadulterated vulnerability.

When I returned to Britain ten months ago, I felt compelled to let someone know I was back. In my heart, I needed someone to know how sorry I was that I left everything and everyone behind the way I had. It was the reason I had reached out to Lance. He had always been one of my best friends. We shared everything with each other when we were younger and I was hoping that if anyone could forgive me, it would be him. He had been hurt and angry and bitter, and he had every right to be, but he eventually gave in and our bond re-blossomed.

I had gone to Lance this particular night because he had always been my go-to guy. The person who listened to me and didn't judge. The person who had eventually been willing to forgive me for the disappearing in the middle of the night four years ago when I knew I hadn't deserved it. I didn't forgive myself and yet Lance was willing to not hold my past mistakes against me. So yeah, in that moment I just needed someone to be able to not hold that night's mistake against me so that I could attempt to figure out what my next move was going to be.

And I couldn't do that. Not anymore.

As the tears flooded down my cheeks, I realized that I had never felt more alone than I did in that moment. I had no one to talk to. No one.

What's worse is that the one person I actually wanted to talk to was the one person I couldn't talk to.

I hated myself for wanting to talk to Sirius. For feeling a strong need to talk to him. I hated myself for still finding myself pulled in his direction. And what I hated the most was that I didn't know if it was because I was still in love with him. Or because I needed a last ounce of closure with him before letting myself truly be with Rhett.

Rhett.

Dammit, now I really hated myself.

He didn't deserve this. Sirius didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve this.

What the hell was wrong with me?

I jumped when there was a knock on the door. I ignored it, praying that whoever was there would just disappear. Or maybe I just wished the floor would disappear and swallow me with it.

"Riley? I know you're in there."

The sound of Lance's voice broke me from my depressing thoughts. I was torn between opening the door and letting him in and ignoring him and letting him walk away unscathed.

"Riley, please talk to me. What's going on?"

I took a few deep breaths, wiping away the tears as best I could and putting on a forced smile, before climbing off the floor and opening the door.

---

++LANCE++

I knew the moment I saw Riley that something was seriously wrong. While she was forcing out some sort of fake smile, her eyes were damaged with regret and guilt.

"What are you doing here?" she asked with a sickeningly sweet voice but her eyes betrayed the defeat she clearly felt.

"Kay said you stopped by and she mentioned you looked like you could use someone to talk to."

Riley frowned slowly. "I wasn't aware she cared."

"She knows that I do."

She quickly turned away from my curious eyes, the frown on her face turning into shame.

"Riley, what's going on?" I practically begged.

"Nothing," she lied, shaking her head. "I'm fine."

"Then why'd you stop by my apartment?"

She hesitated, clearly not being able to form an excuse that quickly. "Please, Lance, just…just go back to Kay. I'm fine."

"You're not," I sighed. "And every time you claim you're fine we both know you're just lying to yourself. Please talk to me. What's-"

"I can't," she whispered, shaking her head.

"What? Why not?" I asked, confused. We had always been able to talk. About anything and everything. Even though our relationship had been

She bit down on her bottom lip and blinked furiously. I could tell she was trying not to cry as she shut her eyes tightly. "I-I just can't."

"Riley," I whispered desperately. "C'mon, it's me. We tell each other everything."

She shook her head dismissively. "Please just go, Lance," she whispered, barely audible.

I frowned. Every inch of her body was clearly trying to fight the tears and I didn't know why she was trying so hard to pretend as if everything was fine when it was obvious they weren't. "Why don't you want to talk to me?" I asked, trying not to display the hurt in my voice.

Her eyes fluttered open, her bottom lip trembling once again. When I looked at her, I saw a girl I've never seen before in the twenty-two years I've known her. She looked so scared and helpless, her irises flickering with uneasy regret. Her cheeks were flushed, her frown hesitant and confused. "Because," she eventually spoke, her voice cracking. "What I came to talk to you about tonight you absolutely can't tell Kay. And I can't put myself in the middle of you two again. I did that once and it hurt both of you so much. I-I can't do that again. I'm not going to ask you to promise to keep something a secret from her again, Lance. I-I'm just not. I don't want to be selfish."

Whatever I had been expecting her to say, it wasn't that. And what's worse is that I had no idea what to say or do. Because she was unfortunately right. I wanted to be able to be there for my sister in every way possible because while she may have left us all behind for four years, she would always be my sister. But with Kay so against her, what was I to do? No matter what I did or said to either one of them, it wouldn't change the fact that I would always be put in the middle. But looking at Riley right now told me she needed someone and I was the only someone standing there at the moment. "Oh, Riley," I whispered, despair in every syllable. "Putting my happiness before yours right now makes you so incredibly unselfish."

"I'm fine," she whispered hoarsely. It was clearly a lie and I was wondering if she was just trying to convince herself at this point.

I sighed, shaking my head. "You can't hold the tears in for my sake or for Kay's sake. One look at you right now is telling me you're really hurt over something and I'll be damned if I'm going to let you deal with that alone if I can help in any way."

"You can't help," she whispered, crossing her arms across her body vulnerably. "That's why I'm not putting you in the middle. This isn't worth it."

"You're worth it."

She let out a derisive laugh, shaking her head vigorously. "No, Lance," she whispered, her voice breaking. "I'm not worthy of anything right now."

"What are you talking-"

"Please," she whispered, trying desperately to blink the tears away. "Please just go. I'm fine, really I am. I don't need you. Just…just go."

"Riley-"

"You have never seen me beg, Lance," she spoke hoarsely, her bottom lip beginning to tremble. "But I'm begging you now to just go. Please."

I shook my head definitively, recognizing the true regret and guilt in every word she spoke. "I'm not leaving until I actually believe you when you say you're fine."

She opened her mouth, clearly to tell me that she was fine, but the words never came. Hesitantly, her mouth closed as the tears began to well up in her eyes. Her face flushed with regret and suddenly she blurted out in a hurt whisper, "I'm not fine, Lance."

And before I could say anything, the tears were spilling down Riley's cheeks and I instinctively embraced her tightly as she crumbled into my chest, every sob like a dagger to my heart. I tried thinking of all the different scenarios in my head that could cause this type of breakdown to occur but after so many outlandish ideas shooting through my mind, I let them all dissipate and just hugged my sister close and let her cry. I don't know how long we stood there in silence but I was about to ask her to tell me what happened when she was blurting it out.

"I slept with Sirius."

I froze, wondering if I had just heard her right. Slowly, I took a step back from her and one look into her guilty eyes said it all. "You what?" I said, trying to not let my anger and disappointment shine through as the shock clouded my expression.

She hung her head shamefully, the tears continuing to fall down her cheeks. "I don't know how it happened. It just…did."

My lips pursed irritably. My sister has made a lot of mistakes but this one took the cake. "How does something like that just happen, Riley?" I grunted.

"Please don't judge me," she whispered desperately, shaking her head. "I'm already doing enough of that as it is."

I sighed. How could I not judge her? It didn't matter how lost and broken she looked, she slept with a guy while engaged to another. I had been wary of this the moment she ran into Sirius at the coffee shop. I had been afraid something like this might happen but I had been suppressing it, praying that my sister was stronger than the scared girl she was four years ago. But apparently she was only good at putting on the act of bravery. Four years later, she was still the exact same girl. She hadn't changed. Not yet anyway. I frowned as I cautiously asked, "Riley, I-I need to ask. Do…do you still have feelings for Sirius?"

She didn't respond immediately, her eyes never leaving mine. I could see the defeat resting in them as she processed her next words carefully. "I don't know," she admitted in a small voice.

I knew those words were spoken in sincerity but that didn't make them any easier to hear. "What about Rhett?"

"I love him," she said softly.

"Oh, did you love him when shagging your ex-boyfriend?" The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.

She cringed. "That's not fair."

I frowned. "I think you know that none of this is fair."

"Yes," she whispered. "I do know that, Lance. Believe me I do. I'm very much aware of that." A single tear slid down her cheek and I instinctively reached out to swipe it away. She met my gaze and I knew that my frustration with the situation was something her own feelings matched. It was obvious she hated herself and judged her actions so my doing the same wasn't going to accomplish anything except make her feel worse.

If that was even possible.

"What are you going to do now?" I dared to ask.

Panic settled into her blue eyes as she glanced up at me with a scared expression. "I-I don't know, Lance," she whispered. "I really don't know."

---

++KAY++

I was in the middle of drifting off when I heard Lance's footsteps in the hallway. I slowly sat up as he wandered into our bedroom. "Hey," I greeted. I saw reluctance in his eyes as he met my gaze.

"Hi."

"You alright?"

He met my gaze slowly, worry lines streaked across his forehead. "Yeah."

He wasn't alright and we both knew it. "You're not going to tell me what's wrong, are you." It wasn't a question.

He frowned, taking a hesitant seat on the edge of our bed. "I don't want her to come in the middle of us again, Kay," he whispered, the desperation in his voice unmistakable.

I let out a heavy sigh, not because I was angry or upset but because I could feel the overwhelming guilt in his voice. I could always feel what he felt. That hadn't gone away just because we were apart for a short while.

I had spent the time that he was with Riley that evening thinking a lot about us. About my relationship with Lance. About Riley. About how she left. About how she returned. About the secrets and the betrayal and the confusion and the shock and the hurt. About how I would do anything to keep my relationship with Lance sacred.

"Lance," I eventually spoke, slowly climbing out from underneath our covers and crawling over beside him. I perched my chin against his leg, reaching for his hand and squeezing it. "I…I love you. And don't take this the wrong way, but I-I wish more than anything that love can be enough to overcome anything, but I think we can both see that after what happened with us, love is something you have to work for. It can't always just be handed to you. It's…it's not easy being in love. It takes blind faith and trust and confidence in ourselves and each other."

Lance frowned hesitantly. "I-I know," he whispered. "I know that you won't be able to trust me over night after what I put you through. I don't expect you to."

I nipped at the bottom of my lip. "It's not that I don't trust you," I murmured honestly, "It's that I don't know how to trust her yet."

He blinked. "Riley?"

Solemnly, I nodded. "But the fact of the matter is, she's your sister. You can't avoid her. And because of that, I can't either. "

He locked eyes with me, tucking a stray hair behind my ear. "Kay, you know what I've learned from our time apart?"

I hesitated before shaking my head.

"That you are the single most important thing in my life right now," he whispered.

My heart skipped a beat as I recognized the sincerity in his pleading eyes. I wanted to believe him. I really did.

"And I will spend the rest of my life trying to prove it to you if you'll just let me."

I knew that a part of me was still learning to trust him after ten months of deception. I knew that while I wish I could blame Riley for all of this, most of me felt compelled to blame Lance for going along with it. And I knew that it would take more than a couple romantic words to get the two of us back to where we used to be. But I also knew that I loved him. So right now, he was the single most important thing in my life. "I don't need you to prove anything to me," I whispered, slithering up beside him to press my lips to his. "Just promise you'll always love me."

"I will," he responded, his hands framing my face as our lips danced lightly. Damn, did I miss this. "You might be questioning me in so many ways after what I put you through, but I pray that you will never have to question how much I love you."

No, out of all the things that scared or worried me about forgiving Lance, love wasn't one of them. "The only questions I have ever had have to do with Riley," I murmured, admitting the truth to myself.

I saw the flicker of guilt in his eyes as he nodded slowly. "I know," he whispered. "And I know I'm…I'm partly to blame for that."

A frown seeped into my jawline. "Lance," I sighed with an air of defeat as I sat up in bed, "you're not partly to blame. You're wholly to blame."

He blinked in surprise. "What?"

"She made the decision to come back, but you made the decision to keep her return a secret to me," I whispered regretfully. "You made the decision to lie to me about where you were going and who you were going with. You made the decision to keep me in the dark about everything that involved her for ten months. You made the decision to take her along when you bought me my ring. And you made the decision not to immediately tell me about her when I came to you with the knowledge that Sirius had run into her at the coffee shop. No, you waited until you slipped up and you were forced to tell me. I know you were stuck between a rock and a hard place, but you saying I'm the single most important think in your life is slightly questionable when you made Riley more important for ten months."

He stiffened, turning his blue eyes away from me as guilt rested within them. "Kay-"

"Which is why I'm going to find a way to forgive her and let the past be in the past."

He sat up against the headboard with a shocked look. "Uh…what?"

I ran my fingers through the end of my hair hesitantly. "She's your sister," I murmured. "She will always be important to you. But I love you and I don't want her to get in the way of us anymore. I-I don't want you to feel guilty about hanging around her. And I don't want you to not see her anymore just because of me. You'll end up resenting me and that's not something I ever want you to feel."

"Kay, I would never feel-"

"You don't know that," I murmured with a sigh. "Do I want to hate her? Yes. And maybe I thought I did for a while because I was blinded by anger. Maybe a part of me still does and maybe a part of me always will for the sole fact that she nearly tore us apart forever. But I know how much she means to you. And you mean more to me than my stupid feud with your sister. So if I need to learn to let go of the past in order for us to be together, then I'll do it."

"We can be together without it," he said softly. "I don't want you forgiving her on my behalf."

I hesitated. "You told me you would do anything to prove to me how important I was to you. Well, it goes both ways. I'll move past how Riley left and how she returned to prove to you that you are the single most important thing in my life."

He looked torn between gratitude and guilt. "I-I really don't expect you to do that, Kay."

"I know. But I expect it from myself."

And I did. Lance meant everything to me. He was my entire world and I didn't want my negative feelings about Riley to affect our relationship in anyway. If he really meant everything and she really meant nothing to me, then why couldn't I just let it all go to make room for the type of relationship Lance and I deserved? A relationship without the past hanging over our heads?

I needed him. And if that meant giving Riley the benefit of the doubt then so be it.

But before I could, there was one person I had to talk to.

---

++SIRIUS++

I had planned on avoiding everyone the next day by holing myself up in my apartment to pack my things in preparation for my move back into Potter Manor. Maybe if I just avoided everyone I could then, too, avoid myself and therefore not hate myself for the actions that had taken place the night before. Both with what happened with Riley and my heated argument with Lily. I was ashamed of my actions with Riley and I was hurt by Lily, and both of these made me think that I should avoid being around anyone but myself. Unfortunately Kay had other ideas.

When the knock came upon my door mid-afternoon, I strongly debated ignoring it. My curiosity got the better of me in the end.

"Kay. Hey," I greeted, surprised that she was the one on the other end.

"I have something I need to tell you and you're really not going to like it."

Great. More bad news. "Do you want to come in?" I sighed.

"No," she muttered, but she swept past me anyway. She looked confused at the bare walls and the pile of boxes in the corner. "Are you moving?"

"Back into Potter Manor, yeah. Considering you moved out, they clearly felt lonely without a third," I said with a teasing grin.

She didn't laugh. Instead, she turned to me and blurted out, "I'm choosing to forgive Riley, Sirius."

I froze in the doorway, slowly shutting the door behind me as I stared incredulously at my friend. "Excuse me?"

She winced guiltily. "You...you heard me."

I frowned hesitantly, feeling the hypocritical anger building up inside of me. I ignored it, however, and simply said, "Fine."

She blinked. "What?"

I shrugged. "Fine. Forgive her. Everyone else is doing the same. Except you are stalling in doing so by apparently asking my permission."

"What? Who else is forgiving her?"

"Did you come here for anything else, Kay, or was that it?"

She frowned. "I'm…I'm not stalling, Sirius. And I'm not asking your permission. I just thought you deserved to know," she said slowly, responding to my earlier comments.

"You are stalling," I spoke dryly. "Because you're not exactly thrilled at this idea. I can tell. So either you're here hoping I'll convince you not to or you're just here because you feel guilty. Either way, I don't really care. It's your life. Do with it what you want. I just ask that you no longer involve me in your decisions, alright?"

She frowned, turning away from my scrutinizing gaze. "I'm not here trying to involve you," she murmured guiltily. "I just…I felt you deserve to hear it from me first."

I felt slightly touched that she came to me first considering James and Lily hadn't. Yet, this was just a strong reminder of what went down between Riley and me the night before. "Okay," I said with a simple shrug, leaning up against the doorway as I shot her a look. "We don't here?"

She let out a frustrated sigh. "Can I at least explain?"

"I don't really need an explanation. Like I said. It's your life."

Her frown sloped to the left, guilt resting in her eyes. "Sirius," she murmured softly, "Lance is my fiancé. Riley got in our way once and I don't want it to happen again. He's more important to me than anything that's been going on with Riley. And it's time I make him more important."

I shrugged. "Fine. Sounds like you've made up your mind," I drawled bitterly, whisking past her into the kitchen.

I could hear her footsteps following me. "Sirius, please don't be mad."

I bit my tongue to stop myself from saying what I really wanted to say. I thrust open the silverware drawer and started organizing it into a nearby box. "I'm not mad." A lie.

"Yes, you are," she sighed, leaning up against the doorframe with crossed arms. "And you have every right to be."

"You want to choose happiness with Lance over anger at Riley, I can't blame you for that." That was true.

"But you think I could continue with both?"

"I think you could attempt to get along with Riley without actually forgiving her."

"Sirius-"

"She doesn't deserve our forgiveness." Also true. Just because things became a little complicated due to our old feelings getting in the way the night before doesn't mean she had earned my forgiveness. "Not yours or Lily's or James' yet you all seem to think she does. And-"

"Wait, what?"

I pursed my lips. It wasn't my place to tell Kay what Lily and James were up to but I did it anyway. Maybe because I was still angry. "Lily and James have been hanging out with her behind our backs."

I saw the shocked betrayal flicker in her eyes. "What?"

I shrugged. "You heard me."

"I-I can't believe it," she whispered hoarsely.

"Can't you? You're forgiving her."

"That doesn't mean I plan to hang out with her!"

I glanced over at her. "Maybe not, but don't you think forgiving her is worse?" I spoke coldly, throwing a bunch of forks haphazardly into the box on the counter.

She opened her mouth to argue but said nothing.

"Do what you want, Kay," I murmured. "I'm not going to try and stop you because it's really none of my business what you do."

"I'm making it your business, Sirius," Kay pointed out. "That's why I'm here."

I found myself letting out a sigh at the ridiculousness of this conversation. I wasn't sure whether I wanted her to just walk away or continue to try and explain herself. I was leaning towards the former. "But why?" I muttered irritably. "She left you just as much as she left me."

"I think we both know that's not true."

"No, you don't know that. You don't know a damned thing about what I'm thinking," I snapped unexpectedly, whirling around to glare at her as the anger finally got the better of me. "Do you know what I see every time I look at her? I see that goddamned Post-it note she left me with no explanation or reasoning or excuse. I see those two scribbled words in her bloody handwriting, that 'I'm sorry' that just felt like a total copout and a knife in the heart. I see that goddamned locket I gave her laying mockingly on the dresser. I see myself in the moment I realized she had ditched me. I see myself ripping up that note into tiny little pieces. I see chucking that locket across the room. I see myself throwing that vase against the mirror and watching the pieces shatter as I crumbled to the floor. I see all of you rushing in at the sound of the glass smashing to find me there in a pathetic heap. I see a broken heart. A broken heart that still hasn't been able to mend even after all this time. A broken heart I know you all felt as well the moment you found out she was gone," I spoke, the words hoarse against my tongue. "I see red, Kay. It's all I see when I look at her. So I can't for the life of me figure out how any of you can forgive her for what she did when I know there's no way you, too, don't see red every time you look at her."

I whisked past her into the living room to pack the picture frames off the bookshelf.

She didn't follow me immediately and I was grateful for it. I was seeing red at that moment, but it wasn't at Riley. It was at myself. How could I sleep with her still feeling so much pent-up betrayal and anger in my heart? Betrayal and anger all due to the way she left. I had loved her. And she turned her back on me.

And how did I repay her? I slept with her.

"I see red, too, Sirius."

I jumped at the sound of her voice right behind me. I turned around to face her, recognizing the sincerity in her eyes. "I know you do."

"But I also see Lance," she whispered hastily. "I love him. I'm...I'm choosing to love him more than I'm choosing to hate her. I don't expect you to understand, but-"

"I understand," I sighed, leaning up against the back of the couch. "I don't want to but I do. I shouldn't but I do. I hate that I do but I do. Your heart is conflicted with your head. Your heart is leaning towards loving Lance and your head is leaning towards hating Riley. You're letting your heart guide your way and ignoring your head. We all do it. It's easy being blinded by your romantic notions and avoiding your logical anger. I just don't want you to wake up one day and regret ignoring the logic your head is feeling." It's exactly what I did when I woke up this morning.

She narrowed her eyes at me curiously. "That almost sounded rehearsed. What's going on, Sirius?"

"What? Nothing," I argued frantically, forcing a smile on my face. Damn Kay for being perceptive. "I just hope you know what you're doing."

She frowned. "Do any of us ever know what we're doing?" she said softly.

It's like she could read my mind. "No," I sighed, rising off the couch and returning to my packing.

I was grateful that she let that be the end of our conversation. She walked towards the door and opened it. Before she could walk out, however, she turned back to face me. "Just because I'm choosing to forgive her doesn't mean I agree with what she did. You don't walk away from the people you love. Those are the people worth keeping around. I'm just sorry she didn't realize that at the time."

She offered me a single nod before heading out, letting the door stay half-open as she ran into Keegan in the hall. Keegan gazed at Kay, confused, as Kay merely said hi and walked away from her. Keegan's gaze followed Kay curiously before turning towards me. "What was that about?"

"Nothing," I muttered.

"Didn't sound like nothing."

"How much did you hear?"

"Not much."

"Enough?"

She shrugged. "Sounds to me from what I briefly overheard was that she was talking about forgiving Riley."

I frowned. I really didn't want to get into it with Keegan. "You've got good ears," I muttered, returning to the bookcase to pack up the last of the photo frames and knick-knacks.

"That couldn't have been easy for you to hear."

My jaw tightened irritably as I turned to glance at Keegan who was still merely hovering in my doorway. I opened my mouth to tell her that I didn't want to discuss it. I was planning on telling her that it was Kay's decision. I was going to say that I didn't care what any of them did. But then I saw the genuine concern in Keegan's eyes and I found myself blurting out, "Tell me, why is it that everyone seems to be able to forgive her and I'm still holding on to a grudge four years later? Why can't I just manage to forgive her and put this all in the past? Why can't I just let it go?"

She didn't respond immediately, meeting my gaze hesitantly. She slowly took a step into my apartment, shutting the door behind her as she leaned up against it with a knowing gleam in her eye. "Because they weren't in love with her," she said matter-of-factly. "And until you get all of the answers to the questions floating in your mind, a part of your heart will always be in love with her. You won't be able to forgive her until your heart is whole again."

The small gap between us seemed to elongate as I locked eyes with her, the room beginning to spin in overwhelming curiosity. "My heart is plenty whole."

She frowned. "Is it?"

I opened my mouth to say yes but the word wouldn't come out. "Alright then," I said softly. "Since you seem to be so wise, what exactly is going to make my heart whole again?"

She bit down on the inside of her lip. "I'm not the right person to be asking that question to."

"Maybe not, but you're here and I asked you."

She gazed at me before slowly taking the remainder of the steps to stand beside me. Her gaze never faltered from mine as she took a seat up against the back of the couch, tucking her hair behind her ear hesitantly. "Your heart is going to realize that either all of it is still in love with Riley and you'll finally be able to accept that that's the case. Or it's going to realize that none of it is and you'll finally be able to move on from the past. Either way, forgiveness will quickly follow."

I stared at her, half in shock and half in defeat. It was everything I had been too afraid to admit and yet here Keegan was saying it aloud to me as if nothing else mattered. As if she knew my heart better than I knew it myself.

I finally tore my eyes away from her as they became drawn to the last remaining photo resting on that bookshelf. It was a photo from Hogwarts of the Marauders and Lily in our final year. It was one of the few photos I kept around from our Hogwarts days, the memories often too painful to keep out in the open. But I had always loved this particular photo. It wasn't anything special, just another goofy photo of us laying aimlessly around the grounds. But the reason I loved it was because the smiles on all of our faces were so purely real. I kept it around as a reminder that at one point, we were all happy. I prayed one day we would all be able to get that back again.

"What if I'm afraid to find out what my heart says?" I blurted out, desperation dripping from my words.

She smiled sadly. "Isn't that what we're all ultimately afraid of?"

I sighed, wishing that that would have made me feel better. "Hm, is it easier trying to figure it out by dating a string of nonsense guys who you know you'll never love?"

Her eyes narrowed cautiously. "Is it easier waiting for your heart to speak to you while sleeping with every large-breasted bimbo in the country?"

"I retract my question."

"I thought you might."

I couldn't help but smile as I hesitantly joined her atop the back of the couch, glancing around the apartment nostalgically. I might have only lived there for a short time but I had grown rather fond of it. I felt my smile slowly fade as I thought about yet another thing I had to say good-bye to. I was tired of saying good-bye to the things I cared about. "Keegan?"

She turned to face me. "Hm?"

"What you said earlier. About a part of me still being in love with Riley. You really think so?"

"I know so."

I hesitated. "Is that why you wouldn't go on a date with me?"

She froze, her mouth gaping open in surprise. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me."

She blinked, her eyes clearly trying to drag them away from mine with very little success. "Why…why are you bringing this up?"

"Avoiding the question?"

"Sirius."

"Keegan."

He let out a frustrated. "You want to know why I wouldn't go on a date with you? Because we would seriously make the worst couple in the history of couples. We're both stubborn, have numerous secrets close to our heart, we're extremely guarded, our hearts are protected by a huge wall that seemingly can't be broken down, we've been through too much to set ourselves down a path that wouldn't end well, we would just hurt one another, and we're far too similar that dating just seems ridiculous. That would make for a poor example of a couple."

"Or maybe it's just so crazy it might actually work."

She opened her mouth to argue but nothing came out. She quickly turned away from my scrutinizing gaze, clearly trying to find the right words to say next. "We are both so screwed up, Sirius," she muttered. "The last thing we need is to be screwed up together."

I shrugged. A part of me agreed with her but another part thought she was just making excuses. Why I was even bothering to ask, I couldn't be sure. It wasn't as if I wanted to date Keegan. Merlin knows she was right when she said we were completely screwed up. But there was something about her that always had me pushing boundaries. "Whatever you say."

She frowned. "Why do you even want to date me?"

"I never said I did. I'm just wondering why you seem so against it."

"I already told you."

"Sounds like a bunch of excuses if you ask me."

Keegan sighed. "Can we just be friends, Sirius, without our past discretions being involved?"

I shrugged. Probably not. "Yeah," I said with a guilty smile. "Let's just put the past in the past, hm?"

She blinked, slowly getting up off the couch and heading towards the door. With her hand resting on the door, she turned to meet my gaze. "If only it was all that easy."

I didn't have to ask her what she meant by that as she walked out of my apartment. It seemed to me that the past that I had previously tried so hard to ignore was constantly coming back to bite me in the ass.

And I really hated it.

---

++LILY++

I was in my room with trade proposals in one hand and a wine glass in the other, trying not to sulk in self-pity. I knew all along what I was doing with Riley was going to inevitably hurt Sirius when he found out. But I had never expected it to be as bad as it was.

Actually, that's not true. I knew it would be awful. I was just hoping I was overreacting.

Riley had meant a lot to all of us, not just Sirius, but the truth of the matter was, it was him who was left with a shattered heart the moment he realized she was gone. He has never once admitted it but I knew that a part of him almost blamed himself inwardly for her departure. He had slept by her side that night and had he woken up, the result may have been different. He will always have to live with that what-if no matter how much he tried to suppress it.

So yes, was I hurt when my best friend left without so much as a good-bye? Of course. But it wasn't anywhere near the pain that Sirius had felt. I wouldn't be surprised if he chose never to forgive me for welcoming her back into my life so quickly as if she hadn't left us all heartbroken.

But my broken heart from Riley was nothing compared to the broken heart I got from James and I knew that in a way it clouded my judgment. Sirius may not understand it, though a broken heart was something he could certainly relate to, but I had needed her in that moment. I had needed someone who didn't know me as James-and-Lily. Who hadn't watched our relationship grow over the past four years. Who hadn't watched me go from an individual to a couple. She had known us in the beginning of our relationship, but she hadn't watched us meet our first-year anniversary mark. She hadn't watched us move in together. She hadn't watched us comfort each other during Jaron's kidnapping and death. She hadn't watched us grow closer even as our jobs took over our lives. She hadn't watched us in the real world. She hadn't watched us fall in love. I needed that. I needed someone who just knew me. And at the time, that person was Riley.

I was on my third glass of wine when I wondered if this was just me trying to justify it at all. As if me hurting and betraying Sirius was okay just because James hurt and betrayed me. But how it could it possibly be okay when irony was at its best with Riley hurting and betraying all of us first? Me hanging out with her behind my friends' back was a complete slap in the face to all of them. As if what she did hadn't mattered to me.

Bloody hell, I was an awful friend.

I was ready to bury my head under my bedroom covers when there was a knock on my bedroom door. I sighed, wondering if maybe I needed some clarity from Keegan, the only person who hadn't been around when Riley left. "Come in!"

To my surprise, it wasn't Keegan.

"Your front door was open," Kay said as she walked in.

"Hey. What's-"

"You've been hanging out with Riley?"

I froze, the guilt settling even further into my heart. "I...I…I'm sorry," I said softly.

Kay frowned, confusion resting in her eyes. "Why didn't you say anything?"

I sighed, resting my head against the headboard in defeat. "I couldn't," I murmured. "Especially to you after what happened with..." I trailed off, not wanting to even mention Lance's name.

She leaned up against the doorframe. "Lily, it's fine. I get it."

I definitely was not expecting that. "Er...what?"

She shrugged, her smile sloping to the left hesitantly. "When you're heartbroken, you look for other things to make you feel better. Things you know you probably shouldn't turn to but if you focus on someone else, you don't have to focus on how miserable you are."

My mouth hung open in surprise. "Er...well, yeah. That pretty much sums it-"

"I kissed Remus."

I dropped the half-glass of white wine all over my bedspread, but barely took notice. "What!?"

She cringed. "I-I don't know how it happened, it just did."

"Tonight?"

"What?"

"You kissed him tonight?"

"Oh, no. I kissed Lance tonight. Remus was the night of my break up with Lance."

I'm pretty sure my eyes bulged out of my socket. "Well, you certainly get around."

She laughed, practically skipping into the room and sitting on the end of my bed. "Lance and I are back together."

Relief mixed with jealousy. That's what I felt in that moment. I was so immensely happy that she was able to forgive Lance. But it just reminded me how far I was from doing that with James. "I'm so happy for you, Kay. You and Lance belong together," I spoke, forcing a smile on my face. "But let's get back to this Remus thing, hm?"

She blushed, frowning guiltily. "It was stupid," she murmured. "We were drunk. I was vulnerable and he was saying all of the right things. It just kinda happened."

I froze at the words she spoke, realizing that those were the words I had spoken over and over again regarding what happened with myself and Sirius. This was the part where I was supposed to divulge my secret to Kay. And I opened my mouth to do so. But I was too ashamed to inevitably admit it. "When you're heartbroken, you don't always make the right decisions. You just make the right mistakes."

She looked at me in awe. "That's the first time someone had said something to me that actually makes me feel better about it."

Unfortunately, that didn't make me feel much better about it. "Don't beat yourself up. You got the man in the end, didn't you?"

She nodded with a smile.

I frowned. "And I've just got Riley."

She met my gaze hesitantly. "I-I understand that you felt compelled to go to someone who didn't know who you were when you were with James," she muttered, "But...Lily, she left."

I cringed. "I know."

She shook her head. "You were heartbroken, Lily. Do you remember that? We all felt so lost without her and you were the one that ended up taking care of all of us whether you'd like to think you did or not. You pushed Sirius out of the house when he wanted to crawl under a blanket. You distracted James away from any reminders that his best friend since the day he was born had walked out on him. You helped me realize that my frustration with Lance was targeted towards his sister and not him. You teamed up with Remus and Peter to find ways to get the group together at least a few times a month to ensure our friendships didn't deteriorate. You were there for all of us. So frankly, it kinda sucks that you didn't let us be there for you after you and James broke up."

And yet again another guilt trip. And hell, it was working. She and Sirius were right. Me turning to Riley instead of them was no different than her turning her back on us. They were my friends. They were the ones I always used to turn to and I was the one they turned to. And a long time ago, I think all of us were afraid that Riley leaving would change us. And maybe it did in the beginning but I refused to let it happen so I pushed and I pushed until all of us were forced to admit that even without Riley, our friendship still meant something. So Riley didn't completely destroy that.

No, in the end it was James that did that.

---

++RILEY++

I was an emotional wreck. I was so grateful that Rhett was on business in Australia so I could attempt to figure everything out prior to him returning. But of course feeling grateful just made me feel guilty. An emotion I had become quite accustomed to feeling.

What was I doing? What was I doing to my relationship? What was I doing to Rhett? To Sirius? To myself? My head was conflicted with a hurricane of emotions and I didn't know what to listen to. Because clearly trying to listen to my heart was a recipe for overwhelming disaster.

I was in the middle of debating drinking myself into a stupor or hanging myself from the bathroom shower rod when there was a knock on the door. A groan immediately escaped my lips. Whoever it was, it couldn't be good. Nothing good had happened to me upon a knock at that door for the past month.

Slowly, I opened the door and was floored to see Kay standing there. "Kay? Er…hi."

"Hi."

Neither of us spoke, staring curiously at one another. Eventually I asked, "Did you only come here to say 'hi' to me because that seems a bit out of the blue if you ask me."

She cracked a forced smile. "You want to go grab a drink?"

Did she just say what I thought she said? "Uh…what?"

"A drink. It's what people have when they're happy or sad or confused or on edge. Or what they do right before forgiving an old friend they never thought could be possible."

Okay, now I know I couldn't be hearing that right. "Excuse me?"

She offered me a curt nod. "You heard me."

Well, I guess I could go for the drinking option over the hanging myself option. "Alright then," I said hesitantly. I reached for my jacket and purse and followed her out.

We ended up at Blarney's. I pretty much thought that any other bar would be a better choice but I wasn't about to say anything in fear that Kay might change her mind about potentially forgiving me.

When we got our drinks, I couldn't help but blurt out, "Did Lance tell you anything about last night?"

Kay shook her head. "No," she spoke. "But it's why I'm here."

She had my attention.

"You and Lance are allowed to keep secrets, Riley," she sighed. "You're family. And-"

"You're his family, too, Kay," I pointed out.

She frowned, fingering the rim of her glass slowly. "I know," she murmured. "Which means that ultimately, you and I are going to be family. And if that's the case, I have to forgive you, right?"

"No, you don't have to. I don't expect you to, Kay," I said softly. "And I know Lance doesn't expect you to either."

She met my gaze briefly before dropping her eyes on to the bar surface hesitantly. "I hate what you did, Riley," she said softly. "I hate that you felt it was necessary disappearing in the middle of the night. I hate that you didn't say good-bye or reach out to any of us in the days or weeks, even months following. I don't think you can even begin to realize what you put us all through. You left us all confused and heartbroken. Sirius was a mess that summer, merely drinking and sleeping his days away. We all tried making him feel better but nothing even remotely worked. James was so angry you could barely talk to him without him snapping at you. Lily was just…she was quiet, trying to be there for James and Sirius without showing her own disappointment. Remus just tried to go around making everyone feel better. And Peter steered clear of everyone, unsure what to think or do."

Every sentence was like a knife to my heart. I knew that I had let everyone down, but hearing it aloud made the ugly truth that much more apparent. "And you?" I asked softly.

Her lips pursed instinctively, her gaze never faltering from the wood of the bar. "I made it known to everyone that you weren't worth our anger or disappointment or pain."

Ouch.

"But in all honesty, you were," she muttered, finally turning to look at me. "Because you were our best friend. You might not realize it, Riley, but it was you who ultimately kept us all together. You were James' childhood best friend, you were dating Sirius, and you were Lily's and my roommate and friend for seven years. So you know what we were all really afraid of during that summer after you left?"

I wasn't so sure I wanted to know.

"That we would drift apart and never be the same again."

I had a feeling that had been coming.

"We may not have drifted apart but we definitely were never the same again. You did that to us."

I had been waiting for someone to tell me the truth about what occurred after I left for so long and now that Kay was doing that, I wish she would stop talking. Because in that moment I realized just how selfish I had once been. I left because I was scared. Because I didn't know how to love Sirius the way he loved me. Because I felt lost and I felt confused and I felt helpless to my own feelings. I left for my own selfish reasons and I spent a mere brief moment thinking about how it would affect Sirius and James and Lily and Kay and Remus and Peter. A brief moment that went overshadowed by my own fears and insecurities. After I shut the door to Sirius' uncle cabin and ultimately to the life I had grown comfortable with after eighteen years, I made my way to Australia without turning back once. But while I desperately ignored and avoided thoughts of the past, my friends were back in Britain forcing to deal with it head-on because the girl they had all grown to trust left them behind as if they meant nothing. So I could go on with my life because I had no one around me reminding me of the painful memory of my own disappearance. But they couldn't ignore it because they saw it in the hurt faces of their friends around them. Hurt faces that I caused.

As I glanced over at Kay, I realized that this was the first time I actually admitted that my actions were solely selfish. Maybe it was about time I owned up to everything instead of hide behind my fake justifications and my hypocritical guilt.

"I betrayed all of you," I whispered sadly. "And I don't want you forgiving me for something that I know in my heart is unforgivable. Even if I so wish it was."

She frowned, choosing not to respond as she finished off her drink and gestured to Melinda for another.

"Riley, none of this is about the way you left," Kay murmured with a sigh. "It's about what happened after you left."

I glanced over at her with a regretful sigh. "I know."

"No, I don't think you do," she muttered.

I blinked, finishing off my own drink. "You're right," I admitted in a small voice. "I don't know. I wasn't there. I left you all behind to deal with it while I started the next chapter in my life."

Kay frowned hesitantly, clinking the ice in her glass nervously. "We didn't know how to start the next chapter in our lives without you," she whispered.

Out of all the things I had heard from my old friends, those words hit me the most. I let out a choked gasp, the guilt weighing on my heart. "I really fucked up," I whispered as if that would make any of it make sense to Kay.

"Yeah," she murmured, a frown creeping on to her face as she turned to look at me. "You did."

I downed the rest of my drink as a way of ignoring the pain that was continuing to grow in my heart.

"But," she continued hesitantly, "That was four years ago. It wasn't easy for any of us to start the next chapter but the truth is, we all have. Maybe not in the way we expected but here we are four years later still clinging to each other for support and friendship so we must have done something right."

Or maybe it was because I did something so wrong.

"I can't continue hating you," she spoke in a choked whisper. "I've never been an angry person, Riley, and while you bring out the worst in me, it's been four years. I can't keep harboring frustration and resentment for something that happened so long ago. I want to start my life with Lance and I can't do that living in the past. So…I forgive you. But before I did, I had to tell you everything you put us through. Because you have to understand that me sitting here beside you isn't easy for me."

She didn't look at me once as she spoke, as if she didn't truly believe her words. I had a feeling that while she was telling me she was forgiving me, she didn't entirely believe it. Maybe one day she really will be able to, but I could see in her eyes and I could hear in her words that she was suppressing hatred for me. "You may not realize this, Kay, but I already knew all this. I might have been avoiding thinking about it all these years, but it was always there. I know how much I hurt all of you and that's never going to change. Nor would I ever try to change that. I did what I did and I can't take it back."

We locked eyes but nothing more was said as Melinda provided Kay with another drink and I ordered another myself.

Eventually Kay spoke. "I may still hate what you did, but I'm willing to move past it. We were friends once, Riley. Maybe we can have that again."

My heart skipped a beat. "You really mean that?" I asked, shocked.

She took a sip of her drink before turning towards me. "I-I don't know."

That made me smile. "Kay, can I ask you something?"

She nodded.

"Why is that while I've been hanging out with Lily, slowly getting on good terms with James again, and now you, none of you have dared to ask me the question I know you're probably all dying to know?"

She winced, her brow furrowing as she took a large gulp of her beer. "Why you did it," she muttered.

I nodded.

She didn't respond immediately, her eyes becoming very interested in the froth of her beer. "I could tell you it's because we don't want to know or because we're afraid of the answer, but the truth is, it's not our question to ask. It's Sirius'."

I couldn't tell you why but I had a feeling she might say that. But if I could avoid talking to Sirius in every way, I was going to do so. I knew deep down it was a question that one day Sirius would feel truly compelled to ask and I would feel compelled to answer but it wasn't going to be anytime soon if either one of us could help it.

"Kay?"

"Hm?"

"I really am sorry."

She hesitated, turning to look at me. She eventually nodded. "I know you are."

I let the unfinished sentence dangle in the air.

Because no matter how sorry I was, we all knew that it didn't mean it would change what had happened.

---

A/N: Not my favorite chapter but a lot going on: Sirius and Riley get into a bit of a sticky situation and neither of them know what to think about it, Lily finally tells Sirius the truth, more fun Sirius-Keegan interaction, Kay and Lance have a serious talk about their break up and Kay ultimately decides to put her feelings with him over her feelings towards Riley. It only gets better from here!