Goodbyes On The Balcony

by ByeByeBirdie

3 years after Hogwarts, James and Lily are back with old and new friends by their side. Their lives are motivated by fear, their world surrounded by immense danger. As they each fight for their lives and for their loved ones in a world centered around Voldemort, the struggle to survive the war against him is nothing compared to the struggle to survive the wars within themselves.

40. Of Grapes, Rejections, & Apologies

A/N: ::ByeByeBirdie ducks as tomatoes are flung at her:: Yes, I am horrible. Horribly awful. Horribly, awfully, terribly, totally unnecessarily CRINGEWORTHY as to my lack of updating. Have I mentioned that I'm horrible? I hate giving excuses but I was traveling for work for the past three weeks which is why I haven't been able to update until now. The first ten drafts of this chapter weren't my favorite which is why I thought it would be best to travel and come back to them after spending some time away. I feel slightly better about my editing in this chapter so I hope you approve of the wait.

Disclaimer: Nope, still not J.K. Rowling.

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Goodbyes on the Balcony

Chapter 40: Of Grapes, Rejections, & Apologies

By ByeByeBirdie

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++JAMES++

"Oh, good, you're all here!" I said, rushing into my kitchen where Peter was tossing grapes into the air for Sirius to catch in his mouth and Remus was watching on with slight amusement as his eyes skimmed the latest Daily Prophet.

Sirius cheered as he caught a grape, glancing at me out of the corner of my eye. "Since when were you pleased when we all raided your refrigerator?"

"Padfoot, you've been doing that for four years now. I have officially learned to refrain from scolding you and instead I choose to overstock the fridge in order to accommodate your overexcessive beer-drinking needs."

Sirius grinned, holding up his beer with a laugh and taking a swig. "You so get me."

I rolled my eyes, though the edges of my mouth twitched upward. I reached into my back pocket and produced a handful of tickets. "Looks like it's our lucky day today. Moody got six free suite box tickets to tomorrow night's Quidditch match between Puddlemere and Holywood and he passed them off to me. You all want to go?"

"You do realize that I get free tickets all the damned time, right?" Sirius snorted, shooting me a look.

"Aw, jealous I have other ways of acquiring tickets?" I teased, ruffling up his hair.

Sirius ducked away, shooting me a dirty look. "You know better than to mess with the hair, Prongs!"

I chuckled. "So are you in or not?"

"Padfoot, you may come through for us with tickets frequently, but never have you scrounged up suite box tickets," Remus said, rolling his eyes. "So I say, hell yeah I'm in!"

I grinned as Sirius pouted. "That's only because I choose to wow my lady friends with the suite box tickets, not you."

"Why, because you know no matter how much you wine and dine me, I'll never put out?" Remus teased.

Sirius made a face as the rest of us laughed. "Such an unnecessary image in my head," he murmured, shuddering.

"I can get off at the pub early tomorrow night so I'm game," Peter chimed in while Sirius continued to make faces.

"Sirius, would you rather sit here and pout over the fact that I'm awesome, or are you coming to the game?" I joked.

"Uh, to be fair, it's Moody that's awesome, not you," he snorted, popping a grape into his mouth contemplatively. "And I'm totally on board with coming after you tell me who the extra two tickets are going to be for."

"Does it matter?"

"Yes, considering there are certain people I'm not speaking to."

I rolled my eyes. "You mean Kay?"

He hesitated before nodding. The hesitation made me wonder who else he wasn't speaking to. "Yes."

"Alright, I guess I'll leave her off the list of people to invite," I snorted, shooting him a look. "Any other requests, your highness?"

"Does the suite box include complimentary drinks?"

I rolled my eyes. "Would you really say no if it didn't?"

"I'd consider it."

"There's more to life than alcohol."

"You take that back!"

I frowned, sensing more than jest in his voice. "It does include drinks, Padfoot, so are you in or not?"

"Gladly!" he said giddily, snatching a ticket out of my hand.

"Shouldn't you be spending your free time packing up your place?" Remus said with a snicker. "Considering you're moving in here this weekend."

"Eh, I can take a break from one night."

"You mean two nights," he drawled, "considering you're here eating grapes instead of at your place."

"I'm a little insulted that you're insinuating you don't want to spend time with me," Sirius said clutching his heart dramatically.

"You are impossible," Remus sighed, laughing lightly.

"And you, m'friend, are out of beer," Sirius sighed, drinking the last of his bottle.

"What?" I groaned, slightly thrown by the fact that a twelve-pack had disappeared practically overnight. "I just bought some two days ago!"

He shrugged, grinning sheepishly. "It's been a light Quidditch week."

"What the hell are you talking about?" Remus snorted. "There's a three-game series for Puddlemere vs. Holywood this week."

"Yeah, a series in which I am not refereeing for which leaves me more time for grapes and beer," Sirius said, tossing his empty bottle into the recycling bin. "With that said, who wants to go to Blarney's?"

"I repeat: shouldn't you be packing?" Remus pointed out.

"Yeah, probably," he spoke, shrugging as he climbed out of the chair. "But I'd prefer to flirt with Melinda."

"Have I mentioned that you're impossible recently?"

"You're about thirty seconds overdue."

Remus laughed, shoving Sirius playfully as we all wandered out of the kitchen letting our laughter lead the way. As we wandered to Blarney's, I couldn't help but wonder what was going on with Sirius. I could tell that his smile was forced and his need for alcohol was more because he was masking his emotions instead of facing them. But seeing as I knew exactly what that felt like, I didn't harp on it. I knew it was what he would have wanted. I knew eventually he'd realize that drowning his sorrows in alcohol wouldn't work and that's when I'd hear from him.

By the time we got to Blarney's, Sirius was debating who to give the extra two tickets to. "I'm assuming you already asked Alice and Frank to tomorrow's match?" he mused as we grabbed our usual hightop table.

"Yeah, they are having dinner at his mother's house," I said, shuddering at the thought of Frank's frightening mother. "And Fabian's baby-sitting his nephews so he's out, too."

"What about Lafevre?" Sirius teased as he glanced atop my head towards the bar. A grin slowly spread out and I could only assume he had grabbed the attention of Melinda.

I shot him a look. "I will never allow her to get anywhere remotely close to you, Padfoot."

"What? Why!? I wasn't the one who slept with her. That was all Remus!"

Remus' nose scrunched in slight embarrassment. "Well, I think it's officially time for a drink," he murmured.

Peter and I both laughed, partly at Remus' discomfort and partly at the overdramatic pout on Sirius' face. "Yeah, that's because I haven't given you any chances to," I teased as Melinda walked up to us with her usual look of hesitance.

"Do you guys have lives outside this bar?" she asked, her eyebrow quirking.

"Do you?" Sirius said with a cheeky grin. "Or are we about to find out you live in a box in the alley?"

"If that is your attempt at finding out where I live, it was a poor one."

Sirius swore. "I'll work on my efforts and get back to you."

"Can't wait," she drawled sarcastically. "Now what can I get you?"

We ordered our round of drinks and she headed back to the bar to prepare them. "Let's invite Melinda!" Sirius said with eager eyes.

"You will never have sex with her, Padfoot," Peter snickered.

"That sounds an awful lot like a challenge," he responded with a puffed out chest.

"Yes, Black, your boobs are smaller than Melinda's. You can put them away now," a familiar voice spoke from our right. We all turned to watch Keegan stroll up and playfully pat Sirius on the chest.

He let out a feigned gasp. "But they're prettier, right!?"

The laughter spilled from all of us as Sirius attempted to cover up his precious breasts.

"Yes, Black, out of all the transsexuals in the bar right now, yours are the prettiest," she said with a grin.

"Not exactly what I meant," Sirius sighed, but he chuckled along with us. "Hey, Prongs, what about inviting Rouge to the match tomorrow?"

My mouth dropped open, as well did the jaws of Remus and Peter. "Did you…did…I…what?"

Sirius blinked. "What?"

"You just invited one of your least favorite people in the entire world to hang out with us for an entire night," I said, narrowing my eyes curiously. "Do you realize that?"

"Gee, thanks," Keegan snorted. "What's tomorrow night?"

"Quidditch match," Sirius said. "Puddlemere United versus Holywood Harpies. You want to come?"

"Oh my God, he did it again!" I said, my eyes widening.

"I heard it, too!" Peter agreed with a gasp.

"Stop being dramatic," he said, rolling his eyes. "It's just a Quidditch game."

"Are you planning on throwing her over the railings to her death?" I asked.

"No."

"Are you planning on poisoning her drink?" Peter said.

"No."

"Are you planning on swiping a bat from one of the beaters and beating her senseless with it?" Remus asked.

"No," Sirius said, rolling his eyes. "You guys are being incredibly dramatic right now."

"Have I mentioned she's one of your least favorite people?"

"Again, thanks," Keegan chimed in.

"She's made her way up that list, I suppose," Sirius said, shrugging. "Now where do you think those drinks-"

"Since when!?" Remus, Peter, and I cried out in unison.

"Does it matter?" Sirius snorted, shooting us all a glare. "Damn, for months you guys complained about my back and forth bickering with Rouge and now you're questioning our ability to get along?"

"Because it's weird," Peter said pointedly.

"You're weird and I hang out with you!"

I rolled my eyes. "That's the best you got?"

"Eh, it's been a long day. I'll work on the insults later."

"You are seriously impossible," Remus sighed.

Sirius grinned. "I aim to please," he said with a laugh as Melinda made her way over with the drinks. "That goes for you too, Mel. Just let me know when you get off work, hm?"

"Don't call me Mel," she said. "And as to your other comment, I just have one thing to say." She merely burst into laughter, earning a round of chuckles from everyone except for Sirius.

"You'll come around one day, Melinda. I'm irresistible."

"Funny, it seems pretty easy for me to resist you," she teased, handing him his firewhisky and cola.

"You'll come around one day!" he urged, holding up his glass towards her before taking a gulp.

"Not likely," she said with a smirk.

"How about you come to the Quidditch game tomorrow night?" Sirius suggested with a grin.

"Well, damn, way to kick me to the curb," Keegan snorted.

"No, you can still come. There are two tickets," Sirius urged, his eyes still gazing at Melinda suggestively.

"Even you couldn't pull off dating two women at once," Melinda said with a smirk.

"Oh, ew, I have no desire to date Rouge," Sirius argued quickly, shuddering at the very thought.

"Good thing," a voice spoke from behind them. We all turned around at the male voice and my eyes narrowed curiously at the unfamiliar man. "Hey, there," he greeted Keegan, kissing her on the cheek.

Hm, I'm pretty sure it was a safe bet to assume the guy standing before me was Victor Hans.

"Hey," she greeted back. "Sorry to burst your bubble, Black, but I already have plans tomorrow so as genuine as your invitation was, I'm going to have to turn you down."

He frowned. "I don't think I've ever been rejected before."

"It wasn't even a date!" she laughed, shooting him a look.

"Still, this feels…odd," he contemplated. He blinked, glancing over at Peter. "Is this how you always feel?"

He glared at him. "I have no problem stuffing a bowl of pretzels down your pants, Padfoot."

Sirius grinned, glancing over at Melinda. "So you in for tomorrow night?"

"Here's another rejection for you: not interested," she said with a wink before sashaying back over to the bar.

"She totally loves me," Sirius said, leaning back in his chair with a sly grin.

"That, m'friend, is clearly the opposite of love," Keegan snorted, earning a round of laughter from all of us. She changed the subject, asking, "Do you guys all know Victor?"

"Ah, the spawn of Satan," I interjected with a cheeky smile.

"James!" she groaned.

I chuckled, shaking my head. "I'm kidding! This is what regular folk are supposed to do with journalists. We've just been hanging out with you for so long, you've forgotten."

"I highly doubt that James Potter can be considered regular folk," Victor spoke, his eyebrow peaking curiously.

I shot him a hesitant look. "Exactly what is that supposed to mean?"

"Just that your name is notorious in the wizarding world. Is this girl not writing an exposé on your family?"

"Because I asked her to. Not because the world wants to know."

"Oh, I guarantee they want to know."

I frowned. "Why? What in Merlin's name is so fascinating about my life?"

I noticed out of the corner of my eye my friends all avert their attention towards the drinks while Victor exchanged a look with Keegan. "Uh…" Victor stuttered. "I'm not sure what answer here will get me into the least amount of trouble."

"So…what? Because my one brother died in combat, my father left my family to go head up the Italian Auror offices, my youngest brother was kidnapped and tortured to death, my other brother was killed alongside my father, and I'm the Auror who can't manage to help any of them, my life is suddenly supposed to be noteworthy?"

"Again, I'm not sure what answer here will get me into the least amount of trouble."

I rolled my eyes though I couldn't help but find his discomfort slightly amusing. "If you want to know so much about my life, feel free to ask your new girlfriend. She has all of the information you need."

"I would except she's been extremely tight-lipped about everything," he said with a curious smirk.

She merely shrugged. "I'm still doing research. I'm not about to give up information for an ongoing project."

He chuckled, reaching down to kiss her on the cheek. "I know. I love that you're so dedicated to your work."

I suppressed the urge to laugh at the over-the-top roll of the eyes Sirius gave behind them. I couldn't help but wonder what was going on with Sirius and Keegan because it was evident he was hiding something between them. I didn't know what, but I knew it wasn't something that could easily be passed over as he suggested.

"Er…not to change the subject, but I know someone else you can give those Quidditch tickets to," Sirius murmured, nodding towards the entrance.

We all turned around as Drew and Dezzy walked in. I frowned at the sight of my sister. I hadn't spoken to her since the night on my balcony after I found out she had known Riley was back. But weeks had gone by and now I was the one hanging out with her.

I let out a sigh, taking a long swig of my beer before sliding out of my seat and walking over to them, ignoring the curious looks of my friends.

The two of them looked up, both of them clearly looking like a deer in headlights. "James," Dezzy said. "Hi."

I offered her a smile. "Can…can I talk to you?"

Drew and Dezzy exchanged a look before Drew said, "I…I will get drinks. Just a cola for you, Dez?"

She nodded, gesturing towards the now empty seat. I slid into it. "Why exactly are you in a bar, Miss Preggers?" I asked curiously.

She rolled her eyes. "There are other beverages here besides alcohol, bro."

I shot her a look.

"Well, that, and I-I may have been hoping to run into you."

"Knocking on my door was too much of an effort?" I teased.

"I wasn't so sure you wanted me at your door."

I let out a sigh. "I'm sorry, Dez," I muttered. "I acted like a royal jerk to you."

"Not just to me."

I cringed. "I know."

She shrugged hesitantly, leaning back in her chair with a curious sigh. "Y'know, James," she spoke softly, "pushing away the people that care about you won't make your heartbreak any easier to deal with."

I blinked, lifting my gaze to meet hers. "Which heartbreak?" I muttered. "Riley's or Lily's?"

"Both probably," she pointed out. "Though from what I hear, you've been hanging around Riley again so apparently you're no longer pushing her away."

I scowled. "Who told you that? Drew?"

She laughed. "You can't get mad when it's true."

"I'm not mad. I just…well, I just assumed you would be."

"Why?"

I shrugged. "Because I-I scolded you for just knowing Riley was back and here I am hanging out with her."

"That's your choice, James."

I frowned. "Why are you being so nice to me? I berated you and have blown you off since. You should be throwing your drink in my face."

"Good thing Drew's not back with my drink yet."

I shot her a look and she couldn't help but laugh. "James, you have been going through a lot. I wasn't surprised that you pushed me away because frankly, it's what you always do when things go astray."

I frowned. "Look, I came over here because you deserve an apology. And if you and Drew aren't busy tomorrow night, I have two extra tickets to a Quidditch match."

"Oh, look, you're avoiding the subject," she teased. "Shocker."

"Do you want the tickets or not?" I scowled.

She rolled her eyes. "Sounds great," she said with a smile. "And when you do want to talk about whatever the hell is bugging you, just know I'm here."

"That's my cue to return to my friends," I said shooting her a sheepish grin. I loved my sister but if I could avoid talking about both Lily and Riley, I was all for it.

She laughed as I leaned over to kiss her on the cheek as Drew walked up with the two drinks. "Ooh, thanks, Drew!" I said with a grin, grabbing the beer from his hand.

He scowled. "I liked you better when you weren't around."

"Lies. I'm a hoot," I teased, taking a sip of his drink before handing it back to him. "Hey, Drew, I'm sorry for…well, for everything I suppose."

"I know," he said with a shrug. "Me, too."

"Don't be," I muttered. "You were right with everything you said. It was easier for me to blame everyone else than to point the fingers at myself. I was the one who broke up with Lily and I have to live with that. And focusing on everything else going on in my life isn't going to change that."

I didn't let either one of them get in a word as I turned around and wandered back to my own table. "Sorry, Keegan, looks like those Quidditch tickets are going to someone else."

"I already told you I was busy," she said with a snicker, nursing her drink.

"Does this mean you've made up with Drew and Dezzy?" Remus asked.

I nodded. "Yeah."

"About time," Sirius snorted.

"You haven't been speaking to them either!" I scoffed.

"Yeah, in solidarity," he teased.

"You, m'friend, are a liar," I snorted, rolling my eyes.

"A liar who drank your drink," he said with a grin. "You're going to need another one."

I glared at him. "Wormtail, please feel free to stuff those pretzels down Sirius' pants now."

---

++REMUS++

"We only moved out like four months ago, Sirius. How is that that you accumulated this much crap since then?" I whined as I followed him up the Potter Manor stairwell towards his room.

"I've become a hoarder. What can I say?" he said with a teasing grin.

I rolled my eyes as I levitated another two boxes into his room. "I am never helping you move again," I sighed. "Please tell me this is the last time."

"Unless James and Evans are planning on getting back together anytime soon, something I think we can both agree can fall under the category of never-going-to-happen, I think we're safe on the whole moving front."

I hesitated in the doorway. "'Evans?'"

"Hm?"

"You just called her 'Evans,'" I pointed out with a furrowed brow. "I can't recall the last time you've called her anything besides that ridiculous nickname 'Lily-bean.'"

He froze, the irritation in his facial expression very evident. "Oh, yeah. Right."

Something was definitely up with him. "Alright, what's going on?"

"What do you mean?"

"You're acting weird."

"Er…thanks?"

"Sirius."

He sighed, reaching for one of the boxes now resting on his bed and opening it. "I'm not talking to her right now."

"Ah, explains why she is not here helping you move," I mused. "Dare I ask why you're not talking to her?"

"I'd rather you didn't," he spoke coolly.

I sighed. Big surprise there. "Sirius..."

He hesitated, staring down at the box he had just opened which housed a bunch of photo frames. Grimacing, he turned around to face me. "She's been hanging out with Riley since the day we found out she was back," he said softly.

My eyebrows shot up. "Seriously?"

He nodded.

Well, that couldn't have been easy for Sirius to hear. "Alright, I got to ask," I muttered hesitantly, "How is that any different from what James did?"

"She's been doing it since day one!"

I shook my head, recognizing that something bigger was going on here. "Sirius..."

He sighed, perching on the edge of his unmade bed. He reached into the box and pulled out an old Hogwarts photo of the Marauders and Lily. He stared at it, a nostalgic glint in his eyes, before looking up at me. "Lily is so far from the person she used to be and...I'm just...well, I..." he trailed off with a sigh.

"Yeah?"

His lips pursed. "I don't know, Remus. I guess I'm just afraid I helped do that to her."

That threw me for a loop. "No, James did that to her," I urged.

"That's why I said I helped," I retaliated.

I frowned, sensing such burden in his voice. "What makes you think you did something?"

A sigh escaped his lips. "After what happened between us," he muttered, cringing guiltily, "she...she wanted nothing to do with me. I wanted to be able to pretend what happened never happened, to blow past it and get back to the people we were, but she avoided me and pretty much shunned me. I don't blame her for doing it, but all that did to me was make me dwell on it more."

I was shocked by the rather open display of emotion emanating from his every word. "She wanted to forget everything, Sirius. Everyone. Anything that had to do with James. It didn't have anything to do with you. Just James. Don't blame yourself for something that you had no control over."

He glanced up at me. "She turned to Riley. We have been there for her every step of the way over the past four years, and she turned to Riley. Riley's not supposed to be the one to help Lily get through all of this. That's supposed to be our job, Remus! And…and she didn't even bother coming to us at all."

The Sirius in front of me was not the one I was used to. He was supposed to suppress his feelings or at least put on a happy smile while spouting his frustrations. This vulnerable display was very unlike him and I couldn't help but wonder if something bigger was going on. It was as if he was finally giving up on even attempting to be happy and letting himself admit that misery was his new best friend. "Lily isn't supposed to have something to get through," I murmured. "She's supposed to be with James."

Sirius' eyes locked with me and he nodded. "I know," he whispered. "But she's not. And apparently we can't help her get through it."

"Yeah, but neither can Riley," I pointed out. "If you remember, Lily's not going to be around for very much longer so clearly hanging out with Riley wasn't the answer."

"What?"

Both Sirius and I whirled around at the sound of James' voice in the hallway.

"What do you mean she's not going to be around?" he demanded.

Sirius and I exchanged frantic looks. When Sirius had told me earlier that week that Lily got a job and was moving to the United States, I had no idea what to believe. At first I was angry at her for thinking running away was the answer. And then I became understanding because how could I not be? Sometimes I considered just packing up my own life and walking away. I knew she was doing it because she needed to figure out who she was and while I was slowly getting used to the idea of her leaving, that didn't mean I still agreed with it. I thought she was letting her fears and insecurities get the better of her but I didn't tell her that. I simply told her that I'd miss her.

"I asked a question," James snapped, dropping a box down at his feet long enough to glare at us.

I turned to Sirius to have him explain. He frowned but obliged. "Congratulations, James, for pushing away the only girl you've ever loved," he muttered. "You've officially pushed her away to America."

James blinked. "What?"

"She's moving," Sirius muttered irritably. "She can't stand to be around you anymore, James, which apparently means she can't stand being around any of us. So she's moving. And hell, I don't blame her."

James froze. "She's…she's moving to the States?"

We both nodded, waiting for him to say anything else. Except he didn't. He merely turned around and headed into his own bedroom, shutting the door behind him.

Sirius and I looked at each other, puzzled. "Bloody Merlin, did he really just leave it at that?" Sirius murmured, quickly rushing out of the room after his best friend. I followed.

"That's all you're going to say on the matter?" Sirius asked, gazing curiously at James who was lying on his bed as he stared up at the ceiling.

"What can I say?" James muttered defeatedly. "You were right. I pushed her away. So much that she's moving. So what is there for me to do?"

"Oh, here's a thought," Sirius snorted, the frustration clearly getting the better of him. "How about you tell her the truth?"

James scowled. "What?I thought you wanted me to just leave it alone! That's what you said in the hospital. Mixed signals much?"

"That was before she decided to leave!"

He shrugged. "There's...there's nothing I can do about that."

"Are you fucking kidding me, Potter?" Sirius barked.

"I would like to second that sentiment though maybe not as vehemently as Sirius," I spoke from the doorway, frowning at James. "When Lily was in the hospital, you were so set on telling her the truth no matter what Peter, Sirius, or I had to say on the matter. Now that she's about to move across the Atlantic, it's like you couldn't care less. What-"

"Yeah, well in the hospital you guys were so dead set on me not telling her the truth and now you're telling me I should be honest with her? You two are the confusing ones!"

"That was when she was with Shane," Sirius pointed out. "She was happy. She was finally moving on. But not anymore! And that's your doing. She's moving away because she can't stand the idea of being around you. And I know that you can't stand the idea of not being around her so why the hell are you being so nonchalant about this?"

Amen to that.

James didn't say anything immediately, drawing his arm up behind his head as he once again found sudden interest in the cracks of the ceiling. "This is what I wanted," he said softly. "From the moment the lies started. From the moment I started pushing her away. From the moment I told her I didn't love her anymore. All I had wanted was for her to be safe. The reason I wanted to tell her the truth in the hospital was because I couldn't let anything bad happen to her without her knowing the truth. But if she moves to America, nothing bad will happen!"

"Or maybe it's just wishful thinking," Sirius snapped.

James frowned. "Here in Britain she's targeted. You and I both know that. But maybe moving across the Atlantic Ocean isn't just the answer she's looking for but the answer I'm looking for, too."

I could see the anger building up on Sirius' face. "Being a coward is the answer?" he scowled.

That got James' attention. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me. I never thought I would see the day where both you and Lily acted like complete cowards. It's like neither one of you has a clue what you're thinking or feeling so you're actively choosing to just ignore it. You're so bloody scared of what the future holds that you're running in the opposite direction from it. Except here's the problem with that, James. The future won't wait for you to catch up to it. It's going to keep on coming and it's going to bring you a lot of unexpected surprises. Some good, some bad. But you can't hide from whatever those surprises are! You both just need to stop living in limbo with each other and figure out how to forgive each other for the past so you can bloody move on!"

James' eyebrows shot up into his forehead. Mine did, too. "Are we still talking about me or are we talking about you?" James asked knowingly.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"You tell me."

Something was definitely up with Sirius. He was a lot angrier and more riled up than I had ever seen him in the past. I could have blamed it on whatever feud he was having with Lily but I knew that something serious was going on with him.

Sirius' face clouded with irritation. "If you're really going to let Lily get away, I think you're the biggest idiot in the world."

"Hm, is this where we could replace Lily's name with Riley's or Keegan's in terms of your own screwed-up life?" James asked curiously, shooting Sirius a look.

"Screw you, Potter," Sirius snapped, whirling around on his heel and storming out.

James shrugged. "That's a yes."

I sighed. For once, I think James might have been right. "James, how do you really feel about Lily moving away?"

He shot me a look. "I hate it," he responded almost immediately. "But there's nothing I can do. I've already screwed up so much with her. I don't want to screw anything else up."

"James-"

"If I don't tell her the truth, she's going to leave," he whispered, his voice nearly breaking. "And if I do tell her the truth, there's a good chance she would leave a lot faster and never come back. Seems to me my option is pretty obvious here."

Well, when he put it that way… "And what if you do tell her the truth and she forgives you because she realizes how much you love her and how much she loves you?"

He snorted. "How much do you really believe that?"

I hesitated. "5%?" I said with a teasing smile.

James met my gaze and I saw the ends of his mouth turn up. "When does she leave?"

"Three weeks."

James' hint of a smile immediately disappeared. "That soon, hm?"

I nodded.

"Maybe it's for the best," he sighed.

"Do you honestly believe that, James?" I spoke, shooting him a look. "Or are you just trying to convince yourself of it? If it's the former, you're an idiot. And if it's the latter, maybe you should stop trying so hard to listen to your head and listen to your heart. It sounds noble when you talk about doing all of this attempted shit to protect for her, but in the end, I think you're just afraid of getting hurt."

He blinked. "Isn't that what we're all afraid of?" James snorted.

I shrugged. "Yeah," I admitted whole-heartedly. "Only difference between you and everyone else is that the girl you still so obviously love still loves you back. It's just a matter of what you're going to do about it."

"You don't know that she loves me-"

"I do know that," I immediately cut him off, knowing exactly what James was going to say. "Why do you think she's leaving?"

I met James' gaze briefly before walking out of his room. There wasn't anything else to say. James knew he wanted to go after Lily. But I think we all knew he wouldn't.

Sometimes I really hated him for always trying so damned hard to be noble. Every once and a while he deserved to do something for him instead of always trying to please everyone else. I just hoped one day he'd realize that.

---

++SIRIUS++

It was so easy being mad at everyone else around me than admit it was myself I was truly angry with. I had avoided Kay, Lily, and Riley as much as possible over the past week. Lily had attempted to talk to me a few times and I slammed the door in her face. Lance had come knocking on my door begging me to not be mad at Kay when in the end, it was really his fault. So I decided to be mad at both of them.

Ironically the only person I've felt even remotely comfortable with over the past week was Keegan. This whole being friends with her wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. It was oddly easy being around her. I didn't think about Riley when I was around her because Keegan had never known the two of us together. Keegan hadn't been there when it began and she hadn't been there when it all fell apart. It was nice to have that.

This is the part where you call me a complete hypocrite for essentially shutting Lily out of my life after she had done the same to me and I berated her for it. Believe me, the irony wasn't lost on me. But I was going to continue stewing because I was stubborn and angry at the world. And it was a lot easier being angry at the world if you had people to be angry with.

This is also the part where you call me a complete hypocrite for hating on Lily and yet letting James back in. And I really didn't have a good reason for it. I could pretend it was because Lily had accepted Riley back the moment she found out she was back in town, but it had very little to do with that. Lily was already slipping away from me. From all of us. There wasn't much I could say or do to help her and it killed me knowing I couldn't. I hated the fact that it wasn't me she turned to anymore. I hated that she was finding a way to move on that didn't include any of the people that stood by her. I have always been able to cheer her up, but the moment she needed it most, I was a complete failure at it. So maybe a part of me was pushing her away because she had pushed me away a long time ago and instead chose to find solace in Riley. Yes, James found solace in Riley, too, but he also came to us.

I had come to the conclusion that James needed us. I wasn't so sure Lily did.

I knocked on Keegan and Lily's door and prayed that it was the former who would answer. God was not on my side that morning.

"Sirius," Lily said in surprise. "Hi."

I opened my mouth to say something to her. Anything. An apology, a pleading, a scolding. But I didn't say that. "Keegan here?"

She frowned. "You knocked on our door because you're looking for Keegan?"

"That's right."

"Has hell frozen over and I'm just not aware?"

I shot her a look. "Is she here?"

"Aren't you supposed to be moving right now?"

"Lily, I'm not here for small talk with you. Is she here or not?"

Lily frowned. "Is this really how things are going to be between us?" she said softly.

"You're leaving in three weeks. Might as well get used to not being around each other, don't you think?" I murmured coldly. "Now are you going to tell me if Keegan is home or not or am I going to have to barge in to find out for myself?"

"Sirius, I'm sorry if you feel hurt by me hanging-"

"I think I have a right to be," I scoffed. "And I really didn't come here to discuss Riley with you, Lily. Is Keegan home?"

She looked like she wanted to say something else but I can only imagine the irritation on my face stopped her short. She opened the door and gestured me in. "Keegan!" Lily called out, heading back to her bedroom. Lily disappeared and minutes later, Keegan was venturing out.

"Hey," she greeted with a smile. "Aren't you supposed to be moving right now?"

"Plans have been put on hold," I muttered.

"Oh, no. What happened?"

I ignored the question. "I have something I need to tell you and I want you to try really hard not to judge me because I think out of anyone, you might be able to understand," I muttered, whirling around to head back to my soon-to-be ex-apartment.

I heard her footsteps following me. She shut the door and joined me on the couch. "Alright," she said softly. "What is it?"

I couldn't figure out why I was sitting here about to tell Keegan that I had stupidly slept with Riley. Maybe it had to do with the digs James sent my way. Maybe it was due to guilt. Maybe it was because I needed to talk to someone, anyone, about this and she was one of the few people I was actually talking to. Or maybe it was because out of anyone, I knew she could be unbiased. Or maybe it was because I just prayed she might actually understand what had been going through my mind at the time. Because for the life of me, I couldn't figure it out myself.

"I slept with Riley last week."

The shocked expression on her face was completely unmistakable. She didn't say anything immediately, her mouth opening and closing a few times as the surprise continued to flicker in her eyes. As the expression turned to confusion, I could feel my own eyes cringing with overwhelming guilt and remorse. I had to turn away from her, wondering why I ever brought it up. Keeping it bottled inside was working for me. Why couldn't I have kept with that?

Oh, hell, who I was kidding. This secret was eating me up inside.

"Say something, will ya?" I pleaded.

She frowned curiously, scrutinizing my expression before shrugging and saying, "Was the sex as good as you remember it?"

I blinked once. Then again as I turned to look at her. I saw the ends of her mouth turned upward and suddenly, I was letting out a small laugh followed by another. "Did you really just ask me that?" I said, chuckling incredulously.

She smiled. "Well, you looked like you were about ready to crawl up to the roof of this apartment complex and jump off. I thought you could use a laugh. It worked, didn't it?"

I smiled back, nodding gratefully as I glanced curiously at her. How was it that one minute I was ready to bury myself in the blankets of my bed and never come out and in the next, Keegan was reminding me what it felt like to laugh? "You know," I said hesitantly, letting the guilt in my heart slowly dissipate as I just spoke my mind, "I can really hear every single one of my friends' responses to what I just said running through my mind. I can see James glaring at me and asking me what I was possibly thinking. I can see Remus groaning and asking me how I could have been so stupid as to make such a consequential mistake. I can see Peter's eyes bulging out and just gaping at me without being able to utter a word. I can see Lily sighing and giving me her usual disappointed gaze. I can see Kay being torn between telling me I'm an idiot and asking me what it meant. I can see Lance getting incredibly angry but oddly not at me but at his sister for cheating on Rhett. But in all of the scenarios I've played out in my mind, I couldn't for the life of me figure out what your reaction was going to be."

Her smile slowly dissipated into hesitance.

"And I'm just so grateful you went with a joke. Because right now, that's about all I can handle."

She bit down on the inside of her lip, leaning back against the couch pillow with an inquisitive glint in her eye. "You don't know what you were thinking. You don't know how it happened. You don't know how to respond to silence. You're already disappointed in yourself. You know you're an idiot and you have no clue what it meant. You already know all of this. You don't need any of us to heighten these insecurities you're already feeling. What you need is us reminding you to laugh so you can realize that this isn't the end of the world."

I frowned, hating that she could somehow read my mind. "Maybe it isn't the end of the world but there are times it sure feels like it," I muttered overdramatically.

Keegan shot me a glare. "Oh, please. You must have done worst things than this."

"Keegan-"

"I mean, it's you we're talking about here. Sure, if I was talking to Remus or Peter I might not be able to say the same, but with you? Yeah, I'd bet my life on the fact that you've made poorer decisions than this."

I scowled, ignoring the flashback that came flickering through my mind of Lily and me sleeping together just a few feet away in my bedroom. "Alright, joke time is over."

She chuckled, sweeping her hair behind her shoulder casually. "I'm just trying to tell you that whatever is going through your mind, give yourself a bit of a break. You were in love with Riley and she walked away without you being able to gain any sort of closure. If you really think you can sit here and tell me that even the smallest bit of you didn't think this might actually happen between you two since you found out she returned, then I think you're just lying to yourself."

I frowned. I had been avoiding any and all feelings of shagging Riley since she returned but Keegan was right. The thoughts had unfortunately crept up in my mind, albeit briefly before focusing on the fact that she ripped my heart out. "I take it back. Go back to making jokes."

She offered me a small smile. "Sirius, exactly what are you looking for from Riley?"

I didn't respond. Mostly because I had no clue what the answer to that question was. I so wish I did but it was the question still swirling in my mind with no resting place in sight.

"Until you figure that out, you'll never be able to truly give yourself a break, Sirius," she said softly. "And you deserve that much. You're not a bad guy, Sirius. You're just confused."

"Understatement of the year," I muttered.

She shrugged, gazing at me curiously. She looked like she wanted to say something but before I could question it, she blurted out, "Sirius, why'd you tell me this?"

"What?"

"You clearly sought me out today. Why me?"

I wasn't surprised by the question. I just wish I had some sort of answer better than I was desperate to tell someone. "I-I don't know. I just felt like I needed to get it off my chest."

"And you chose me to talk to?"

In all honesty, I wasn't sure why I had chosen her. Maybe it was because she would be less judgmental than the others considering she hadn't been around to watch us all fall apart when Riley left. Maybe it was because she could understand the concept behind trying to find even just an ounce of closure. Maybe it was because she was across the hall and therefore, convenient. I really didn't know but I was trying not to question it. "We're friends now," I argued. "Friends tell each other things."

She frowned. "Or is it because you're just so afraid of watching all of your oldest friends leave you behind that you're trying to fill that void with me?"

Well, that certainly threw me for a loop. "What?"

She shrugged. "Sirius, just because we're talking about a girl who walked away four years ago and just because Lily is leaving doesn't mean everyone is going to turn their backs on you."

"Er…I realize that."

"Do you?"

I met her gaze and realized suddenly that she was right. I was tired of everyone turning their back on me. First with my own family. Then Riley. Next was Lily. And now James, too. Of course it was an obvious insecurity for me. I knew that I shouldn't take it personally, but it felt like a dagger in my heart nonetheless. These were all people I was supposed to be able to count on. Every single one of them was like a member of my family. And it sucked watching them all slip away without so much as a second glance my way. I felt like I was slowly losing control of it all and it was filling me with so much anger (hence my snapping at James) and frustration (hence the yelling at Lily) and confusion (hence the sex with Riley). Whatever heart I had left resting in my chest felt seconds away from shrinking into nothing. And what was worse was that I was slowly beginning to be okay with that. "I should get back to moving," I muttered, completely avoiding her question.

She sighed, clearly realizing that the conversation was over. "Well, I hope you know that I always am here to talk."

I snorted. "Dude, if you're going to overanalyze every conversation we have, I'd rather have a conversation with Bellatrix Black."

Her eyebrow quirked.

I shrugged. "Alright, that might be a little extreme."

We both just laughed.

++JAMES++

I leaned up against my best friend's doorframe, watching him summon the photo frames on to the shelves. "So you're still planning on moving in?"

Sirius turned to look at me, a frown on his face. He didn't respond, his gaze falling on to one of the photos in his hand. He studied it, his brow furrowing slowly as I'm sure numerous thoughts ran through his head. Eventually, he looked up and I saw angst written all over his face. "I don't know how to let her go," he whispered vulnerably.

I didn't have to ask who 'her' was.

He met my gaze. "And it's really hard watching you let someone go when you don't have to."

I frowned. "I do have to," I said softly.

"No, James," he sighed. "You don't. You think you have to. You've convinced yourself you have to. But you don't. She can still be yours, James. She can still love you and you can love her if you just let your guard down. Yes, there will be times you're going to be worried about her. But that's what love is. You just have to learn not to be worried about being worried. Just let it happen."

"I'm really tired of everyone trying to tell me how to think," I muttered irritably.

"You're tired of it because you know we're right."

"You're not though," I snapped. "You just don't get it and I'm done trying to make you get it."

"You're right, I don't get it," Sirius said with a curt shrug. "I don't get why you can watch all of your friends go through painful heartbreaks and then turn around and break the heart of the girl you're madly in love with knowing how much it was going to hurt her. I don't get that and more than that, I don't want to get that."

"What would you have done if it was Riley being attacked left and right?" I asked hoarsely. "What would you have done if you found out Voldemort had his sights on her? What would you have done?"

"I would have fought like hell to destroy him."

"I'm already doing that!" I cried out, glaring at him. "Every minute of my life is devoted to trying to take that bastard down! But, and I don't know if you've noticed this, Sirius, it doesn't appear to be doing any good. People are still dying every day. People are being hospitalized every day. And I don't want that to be Lily. I-It can't be her," I whispered, my bottom lip trembling. "I won't let it."

Sirius frowned, hesitation flickering in his eyes. He sighed, muttering, "Can I just ask, do you want her to stay?"

"Do you?" I deflected.

"Excuse me?"

"Remus told me you got into a fight with her."

He scowled. "He really needs to mind his own business."

I shrugged. "Are you just trying to get me to get Lily to stay because you're blinded by frustration with her and therefore can't be the one to ask? Or because you're just too damned stubborn to ask her yourself?"

"No," he snapped. "I can beg her to stay a million times over, but it won't mean anything. The only person she would ever even remotely listen to is you, James."

"I know," I said softly. "Which is why I can't tell her. She has to go, Sirius. Just like I have to go on that training mission."

He sighed, wariness flickering in his eyes. "We're never going to be able to get through to you, are we?"

I hesitated before shaking my head. "There's nothing to get through, Sirius."

He let out another sigh, placing the photo frame in his hand on to his nightstand before turning back towards me. I could see him studying me as if he didn't know what to say or do. I said nothing, waiting for him to once again tell me I was wrong. To tell me I was making a mistake. To tell me to fight for Lily. I waited for him to say all the things I would once again dispute. So imagine my surprise when instead he said, "Alright."

I blinked. "'Alright?'"

"It's your life. You do with it what you want."

I didn't believe for a second that this conversation was over for good but I was obviously not going to push it. "Alright," I murmured. "Well, we're ordering a pizza soon so come downstairs when you're done."

He merely nodded as I turned around to head out.

"James?"

I knew that wasn't it. "Yeah?"

"If you want to let her go for good, I can't stop you. And if you can honestly stand there and tell me that in three weeks when she's gone you're not going to have any regrets, I'll accept that. Except I think we both know that that will never be the case. You'd be an idiot not to want to fight for her. I just can't figure out why you can't see that or why you apparently don't want to see that."

I wanted to argue. I wanted to defend myself. I wanted to tell him to stay out of it. But I couldn't. Because I knew he was probably right. So I merely turned around and walked out.

It's not that I didn't want to fight for Lily because frankly, it's all I've ever wanted to do. I just didn't know if fighting for her was the right decision to make. I wanted her to go to America for all the right reasons. I wanted her to be safe. I wanted her to continue living her life. And selfishly, I wanted her to go so that I could stop worrying about her so damned much. But I didn't want her to go to America because in my heart, I wasn't sure how I'd be able to bear letting her walk out of my life forever.

I knew that it would always come down to this. That we would get to a point where I would have to truly let her go. It had been impossible thus far but I knew that I had do to it for her own good.

But for the first time since I had found out about Voldemort's plans to target her, I couldn't help but wonder if letting her go was just for my own good.

And I knew that it was a question I needed answered before saying good-bye.

---

++LILY++

After Sirius had left, I pretty much remained holed up in my room with a bottle of wine. I had never seen him so bitterly disappointed in me before. He could barely look at me, let alone willingly stand in my presence for longer than a few seconds. I know I had let him down. Hell, I had let myself down. But I hadn't realized to what extent I had actually hurt him. But of course I hadn't because it was very evident that in the past six weeks the only person I had really ever thought about was myself. It was all about how I felt after James broke up with me. It was about how I couldn't be around my old friends because I saw James in them but I didn't stop to think what had been running through their minds. It was about how I wanted to be happy so I went crawling off to Shane to try and get him to do the trick without bothering to think about how things would end for him. It was about avoiding my friends during my relationship with Shane because I wanted to escape the person I had been and the person I had become with James. It was about how I wanted to hang out with Riley because she made me forget about James. It was about how I wanted to move across the Atlantic Ocean because I needed to be by myself, not caring how it might affect everyone else. It was all about me. And for the first time in a long time, I really didn't like the person I saw in the mirror.

For so long I thought I was destined to be alone. After my parents died and my sister vanished, I only had myself to rely on. For ten years, I truly believed I only had myself to count on and no one else. But then James entered my life. And suddenly it was as if I finally had a world I could believe in. I found someone I could belong to. I stopped thinking I had to do everything on my own and I put my trust into a person who I thought would never let me down.

And then he did. In the worst way possible. And slowly my trust that I had put into this world began to crumble until all that was left was an empty shell of a girl who was so incredibly lost and broken. A girl who had lost faith in herself and in the world. I was back to that same girl I had been at eight-years-old when I lost the only people in my life who had loved me at the time.

The only difference between now and then was that this time around I only should have lost one person. The rest of the people in my life – Sirius, Remus, Peter, Kay, Keegan, Shane – still could have been there for me if I had only just let them. And now it was too late. I was far too broken that the pieces couldn't be put back together again. All I could really ask for was the chance to start over. And that's why I needed to go to Philadelphia. I needed a fresh start and a new perspective. I needed to figure out who I was and where I belonged. Because I sure as hell didn't belong here anymore. I had unfortunately made very sure of that.

There was a knock on the door late at night and everything inside of me was telling me not to answer it. I was done opening my door to the world just to be constantly torn down. I was ready to move to a new door with endless possibilities that might actually include hope.

I really should have just listened to my instincts.

"James," I said hoarsely when I answered the door. "What…what are you doing here?"

"You're moving to Philadelphia?" he said in disbelief.

Thank you, Sirius. "What's it to you?" I snapped, probably harsher than I should have. But hey, he caught me at a really bad time.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I have no obligation to tell you anything, James," I grunted, glaring at him.

He cringed, frowning prudently. He didn't respond which was probably wise. I didn't want to hear anything he had to say.

"James, what the hell are you doing here?" I finally asked, as standing there awkwardly in my apartment corridor with a man who broke my heart was not ideal.

Panic settled in his eyes. "I-I don't know," he admitted. "I just…I-I…well…"

"Yeah?" I urged impatiently.

He opened and shut his mouth a few times, clearly at a loss of words. Which was definitely a first for him. Eventually, he stopped the charade and pressed his lips tightly together, his eyes hesitantly gazing down at me. A sigh escaped his lips as he slowly shook his head in defeat. "I don't know," he eventually repeated. "I just wish you would have told me."

I snorted. "Would it have mattered?" I retaliated. "Clearly Sirius was going to do it on my behalf anyway."

"It should have come from you," he said softly.

"Why?" I snapped, my voice raising slightly. "I don't owe you anything, James! We're not together anymore. We're not even friends. I had no reason to tell you."

"Doesn't mean I want you to go."

I was thrown off-guard for a second before re-composing myself. "Don't do that," I whispered.

"Do what?"

"Don't come in here and try to make me forget all of the shit you've put me through," I said pleadingly.

His brow furrowed remorsefully. "I'm not trying to do anything. I just…I can't believe you're leaving. That's all."

I was torn between anger and hurt and disappointment. "Why are you doing this?" I whispered, needing him to just walk away so I didn't say or do anything I would regret. "Haven't you put me through enough? Can't you just…just leave me alone so I can live my life?"

He didn't say anything but the expression on his face grew solemnly desperate. We stood there just staring at each other, wanting and needing the other person to just say something to make all of this better. "What if I don't know how to do that?"

"Learn," I snapped. "Because it's not our life to live anymore. It's just mine. So just let me make my own decisions. Let me go to North America. Please."

He swallowed hard, chewing hesitantly on his bottom lip. "I guess it's hard letting go of…of the life we used to share together," he admitted in a small voice.

I frowned. "I know that, James," I spoke achingly. "You think this has been easy for me? You were in my life for four years. And then suddenly you weren't. So don't talk to me about the difficulty of letting go of us."

He opened his mouth to say something but closed it quickly after, staring at me with intense guilt. "Can I ask why you're going?"

"Can I ask why you're going on that damned recruitment training mission?"

He blinked. "For the same reasons you're probably moving to Philadelphia, I'm sure," he said softly. "Except there's one difference. I'll be coming back."

I glared at him. "Seriously, James, why are you here?" I cried out, my voice breaking with frustration.

He didn't respond immediately, his eyes growing with desperation as he looked at me hesitantly. He looked like he wanted to say something but thought better of it. Eventually, he spoke. "I'm just really going to miss you," he said softly.

I had to blink back the tears I could feel forming, not daring to show any sign of vulnerability around him. "You don't get to say that to me," I whispered hoarsely, my bottom lip trembling. "You don't get to miss me, James. You don't get to try and be the good guy. You don't get to be standing outside my door saying anything at all. You lost that right the moment you told me you didn't love me anymore."

He had to turn away, guilt resting in his eyes. "I can't help how I feel."

"Apparently you can," I snapped hoarsely.

Slowly, he lifted his gaze to meet mine once again. "I shouldn't have come here."

"Then why did you, James?" I whispered.

He didn't say anything, running his fingers haggardly through his hair as a deep frown formed on his face. He didn't turn away from me, his eyes locked on mine as the desperation grew behind his spectacles. "I screwed everything up," he eventually spoke. "You deserve better, Lily. You deserve someone who's going to be there for you every day. I'm just sorry that that person wasn't me."

"It was you," I blurted out in a hurt whisper, shaking my head incredulously. "For so long, it was you. And then suddenly it wasn't. I'll never be able to understand where things went wrong, James, because I never believed they had."

"I didn't come here trying to give you any answers."

"Then once again why are you here?"

"Because you're leaving," he blurted out, his voice barely above a whisper as his eyes bore through mine. "And I'm not so sure I know how to live in a world where you don't exist."

I couldn't ignore the tears any longer as they filled my eyes. "Stop. You don't get to say things like that to me," I spoke, my words catching in my throat. "I don't want to hear it, James. Maybe a few weeks ago, I did. But not anymore. I'm walking away, James. From this life, from this world, from you. Just…just let me walk away."

"I'm not so sure I know how."

I frowned. "Of course you do," I said coolly. "Because you walked away from us two months ago. Just because I'm leaving doesn't change a thing between us."

"I never said it did."

"But you want it to."

He didn't respond but I could see in his eyes that I spoke the truth.

"You can't change my mind," I spoke softly, shaking my head. "I'm leaving. Let's just leave it at that, alright?"

His expression grew desperate. "If that's what you want," he whispered.

Tears flooded to my eyes once again as I thought back to how much has changed. "What I want I can't have," I whispered back, my bottom lip trembling. "So no, this isn't what I want. But this is what I have to want."

I was finding it increasingly difficult being in James' presence. He looked so lost and confused but he didn't get to look that way. He chose to turn his back on us. If anyone was to be lost and confused, it should have been me. Hence my desperate need to get away from this world. A world that I have only ever known with him by my side.

"I'm sorry, Lily," he whispered, taking me by a bit of surprise. "I'm so sorry. For everything. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that I let you slip away. I'm sorry that I pushed you away and avoided you when I should have been just up front. I'm sorry that I distanced myself from you. I'm sorry that I kept quiet for so long and kept you at an arm's length. I'm sorry that I ruined everything. I'm sorry that I hurt you to the point that you feel you need to leave. I'm sorry if I'm the one driving you away. I'm sorry that you're leaving. I'm sorry that I drove a wedge between us. I'm…I'm sorry that you deserve better and that I'm not it. But mostly I'm just sorry that I have so much to be sorry for."

For the first time since we broke up, I actually felt as he was sincere. I actually believed him. But unfortunately, that meant absolutely nothing. "I don't need you to be sorry, James," I said, shaking my head. "You can apologize all you want, but it doesn't mean anything. Because it doesn't explain why."

He didn't respond but I could tell the wheels were turning in his head. "I'm a mess, Lily," he admitted in a small voice. "Everything is falling apart around me. I never meant for you to get caught up in it all but you did. I'm just so sorry that I let you get caught up in that."

I frowned. "That didn't explain why whatsoever, James."

"I know," he said. "But you deserve the best, Lily. And right now, that's not me."

"Why do you get to decide that for me?" I whispered. "Who's to say you're not the best for me, James? Did you ever think that even with the world falling apart around you and even though you may be a mess and even though you don't know how to love yourself let alone someone else and even though you're going through so much that that never once changed how I felt about you?" I could feel the tears welling up inside of me and I knew I wouldn't be able to hold them back for very much longer. "You could have been living on the streets with no money or job and you could have been a mere shell of a human being and you could have lost everyone else in your life, but you never would have lost me. I would have loved you through it all."

"I know that," he choked out immediately, desperation seeping through his eyes.

I then asked the question I had been holding back since we broke up. The one question I wasn't so sure I wanted to the answer to. But a question that maybe I needed an answer to prior to leaving England forever. I felt my bottom lip to tremble as I glanced up at him, vulnerability visible in every inch of my face as the tears began to spill out.

"So why, James, why did you stop loving me?"

---

++JAMES++

She looked so hurt and broken, I wanted to reach out and embrace her tightly to never let go. I wanted to assure her I never stopped loving her. Not once. That how could I? She was the girl I had dreamed about since I was an eleven-year-old boy just venturing into the unknown world of puberty. She was the only girl I had ever noticed and she was the only girl I ever wanted to notice. I had loved her more than I ever thought I could. I recalled the first time I realized I was in love with her. I had been infatuated with her for so long but it wasn't until a walk around the grounds on a cold, snowy January evening that I realized it wasn't just infatuation. The stars dimly gleamed as the snowflakes fell to the white-covered grass. Small icicles formed on her eyelashes and her nose turned bright red only after a few minutes in the wind. She was bundled from head to toe in oversized clothing, her Gryffindor scarf wrapped around her neck and covering the tip of her chin. She wore earmuffs while snowflakes gathered in her hair. A faint smile fluttered across her expression as she spoke of her parents and I spoke of Wyatt. It should have been a sad moment of reminiscing, but just being there with each other hand-in-hand, I had never felt so safe and invincible. I knew then that I had fallen in love with her.

My heart will always ache for her because she's the girl I am meant to love. But she's also the girl I am meant to protect and keep safe. And I couldn't do that remaining by her side. I was putting her in harm's way. I couldn't let anything happen to her. I just couldn't.

"Please don't ask me that," I pleaded with her, my voice shaky with regret.

"Why?" she whispered. "I think I deserve the answer, James."

"I know you do," I admitted, swallowing the lump in my throat. "But I can't give it to you. And I don't want to lie either. So please. Just don't ask it."

"Why would you have to lie?"

"Because I can't tell you the truth, Lily," I said hastily, shaking my head. "And you can't ask me to."

She frowned, her bottom lip trembling slightly. Her green eyes stared up at me, her expression growing hard. "Why did you buy an engagement ring?"

I froze, thrown by her choice of question. "What?"

"You heard me."

I picked my jaw up off the ground. "How did you…"

"Does it matter?" she snapped.

I'm going to kill Sirius Black. "Does it matter why I bought it?"

"Yeah, James, it does! What, did you buy the ring and then realize you didn't want to spend the rest of your life with me?"

I sighed. "Please, Lily," I whispered. "Don't ask me questions I can't give you the answer to."

"Well, gee, could you write a list of questions I'm not allowed to ask you? It might make this ridiculous conversation go a little faster."

I cringed. "I'm…I'm sorry, Lily."

"I don't need you to be sorry," she snapped. "I need you to tell me exactly what the hell you're doing here because you've still yet to give me a plausible reason."

I said nothing mostly because I wasn't even sure why I was there. I showed up because I wanted to hear it from her that she was going, but she's done that and I was still standing there.

My eyes met the green sparkle of her own. I felt my heart race as I looked at her, realizing that it was time to just let her go. I couldn't hold on to who we were anymore. She deserved better than that at the very least. Because as much as I wanted to tell her the truth about everything, I knew in my heart that none of it would make a difference. If she wanted to go to America, I had to let her go. This was what I wanted from the very start and it was now what she wanted. I couldn't try and change that. I had already caused so much damage between us. It was time I stopped confusing both her and me.

My eyes turned away from hers, reluctance settling into my aching heart. "I guess I came to say good-bye to you, Lily," I whispered, an ache tugging on my heart.

Her bottom lip trembled, her eyes watering slowly but surely. I could see the anguish evident in every blink of her eyes and every twitch of her dimples. She opened her mouth to respond but nothing came out. I could almost see the wheels turning in her head. I could see the pain in the slight flush of her cheeks. I could see the heartbreak in her creased forehead. I could see the sadness in her tear-stained eyes. "I-I never thought I'd ever have to say good-bye to you, James," she eventually whispered, clearly against her better judgment.

My heart nearly broke in two at that moment. "I never thought I'd have to say it to you."

"We had it all," she whispered, blinking the tears away. "We loved each other more than either one of us thought possible. We were supposed to spend the rest of our lives together. We had it all, James! And you destroyed it. You destroyed us. Why'd you have to do that? Why? What did I do?"

I wanted nothing more than to reach out and embrace her, never to let go. She looked so fragile, so heartbroken, and I hated myself for doing that to her. "I hope you know that I did love you, Lily. So much. I just-"

"Stopped?"

No. My heart sunk. "I just…I barely love myself right now. How was I supposed to love someone else who deserved-"

"I could have loved you enough for the both of us," she whispered desperately.

I had to turn away, the ache continuing to grow steadily in my heart. "Please don't hate me," I croaked out. I know I shouldn't be asking that of her but I couldn't bear the thought of her truly hating me.

She fell silent, the desperate pleading in her expression giving way to complacency. "You know what I hate?" she eventually spoke, the words coming out in a choked whisper. "I hate that you gave up on us. I hate that you destroyed four years together in a mere second. I hate that you're standing here telling me you can't tell me the truth. I hate that you're keeping secrets from me that affect the both of us. I hate that I have to say goodbye to you. I hate that you're standing here right now in order for me to say goodbye to you. But you know what I hate most of all, James?"

I was afraid what she had to say so I merely shook my head.

The tears blurred in her eyes. "I hate that I don't hate you at all. Not even a little bit."

"Lily-"

"In fact, the only person I hate is myself for still loving you," she whispered.

My heart crumbled with overwhelming guilt. "Oh, Lily," I whispered, taking a step closer to her.

Her bottom lip trembled. "I shouldn't love you anymore, James. But I just can't seem to stop. I'm not so sure I'll ever be able to stop. I just…tell me how to stop, James," she whispered hoarsely.

She looked so heartbroken, her eyes widened in desperation. I wanted to be able to scoop her up and tell her that everything was going to be okay. That just like she hasn't stopped loving me, I never stopped loving her. But the words wouldn't form no matter how hard I tried. No matter how much she deserved to hear them. So I didn't say anything. Which I instantly regretted because her next words broke my heart more than I could have imagined.

"Somehow you did it, so just…just tell me how to stop loving you."

The words were barely above a whisper and were filled with such regretful vulnerability. I should have just walked away from her. That's what she deserved. She deserved to move on and live her life just like she begged me to let her do. I should have walked away. But I knew what it felt like to be so lost and broken and confused and in the end, not have a clue what to do to fix it. I wanted to be able to fix it for her. I wanted to continue loving her and I wanted her to continue loving me. But after all that had happened with us, I didn't know if that would ever be possible again. So I should have just walked away. But I didn't. Because while my head knew I needed to let her go, my heart couldn't just leave her like this. She never looked more vulnerable and yet more beautiful than she did at that moment, her green doe eyes staring regretfully up at mine. So my impulsive heart took over before I could register what was happening and in the days, weeks, even months to come, I will never forgive myself for what I did next.

I kissed her.

Fuck, I should have just walked away.

There was no hesitation from her. She kissed me back, her arms reaching out to wrap themselves around my neck, drawing her close to me. My head was screaming but I didn't listen as my hands made their way into her hair, our lips crashing together in a hungry passion. My heart fluttered at the reminder of how perfectly our mouth melded together, our tongues swirling around each other's as if they had never been parted.

My heart ached desperately for the girl standing in front of me. I had never stopped wanting or needing her and just something as simple as kissing her was turning my mind fuzzy as my heart soared. I threw all inhibitions away as I guided the both of us into her apartment. I don't know what was running through Lily's head, but neither of us were even remotely hesitating over what we knew was coming.

Her lips continued to caress mine savagely. The kisses were far from tender or gentle, the distance apart from each other causing us to cling to one another like never before. Our mouths led the way as we ignorantly rammed into the back of the couch, my hands roaming up and down her petite body as she pressed her pelvis up against mine. I hardened at the very touch of her, a light moan escaping my lips. She silenced me with another kiss, her hands framing my face as I teetered on the edge of the couch.

We didn't waste any more time. Our lips never parted as we stumbled back to her bedroom, both of us pushing one another impatiently up against the corridor walls. Frames adorning the walls fell lopsidedly and the light ensconces flickered but we barely took notice. I was grateful that Keegan appeared to be out as we slid past her room and into Lily's. Lily slammed the door behind us with her foot as I pressed her up against it, practically tearing her shirt off her body. Her body was far too beautiful to have her waste any more time with meaningless clothes.

She fell back against the bed, a look of lust screaming on her face as she reached out and ripped my own shirt off, buttons flying in various directions. My heart began to race, wondering if there was ever a time I wanted anything more than I did her at that moment. Was there a small part in the back of my mind that knew that this was a bad idea? Probably. But it was hard fixating on that when Lily unclasped her bra and tossed it to the side, her perky breasts exposing themselves to me.

I didn't wait another second to flick my tongue across her breasts, smiling devilishly when a soft moan fell from Lily's lips. I wanted to hear that sound over and over again. In fact, if that was the only sound I ever had to hear again for the rest of my life, I could live a very satisfied life. She was perfect in every way and I wanted to be sure that in that moment, she knew it as well.

My hands cupped her breast as my tongue made its teasing way down her bare stomach. She squirmed slightly under my touch as my lips perched themselves dangerously close to the edge of her jeans. She whimpered as I pulled her zipper down with my teeth, discarding her jeans to the corner of the room. I had a feeling it would take us a while later to find our clothes but that really wasn't on the forefront of my mind in that moment.

She lifted herself off the bed to press her lips to mine, reaching for my belt buckle. She wrapped her legs around my torso as she slid the belt out of the loops and tossed it to the floor, her lips never leaving mine. It didn't take long for my pants to join the belt.

I gently nudged her back on to the bed, running light kisses down her jawline towards her exposed neck. My fingers grazed her thigh, inching slowly upwards as it met the thin material of her lacy underwear. I could feel her tense up as I hooked my finger underneath and gently flicked it over her clit. Her breathless whimper filled the air as I pulled that thin piece of lace off her body, trying hard to ignore the large bulge that was overwhelming my own boxers.

She noticed it, too, and was more than glad to tear the boxers off of me.

I wanted to make her feel like she had never felt before. I wanted to show her how much I still cared. I wanted to run my tongue all over her smooth skin and never stop. I wanted to give her the best orgasm she had ever had. I wanted to hear her scream my name so loudly the neighbors would come knocking down the door in a panic. I wanted her and nobody else.

I lustfully inserted a finger into her moist opening, watching her go weak at the knees as I did so. I kissed her lips hard as I inserted another, smirking at the breathless pants that erupted from her lips. She smirked back (and maybe if I was paying closer attention, I would have seen the guilty hesitation in her eyes but I was a bit preoccupied at the moment), instinctively reaching out to press her lips in the nook of my neck. I continued to curl my fingers inside of her as my lips traveled down her breasts to her stomach to her pelvis and eventually sucked lightly on her swollen clit. She cried out as I pushed my fingers in further, burying my mouth in her mound. I pulled my fingers out slowly and once again jammed them in, inserting yet another, watching the beads of sweat travel down her beautiful breasts.

Her cheeks grew flushed as she squirmed under my touch and I couldn't ignore the light moans coming from her mouth. I don't even think she fully realized how overwhelmingly beautiful her sensual sounds were to me but I wanted to make her go completely crazy with desire.

I pulled my fingers out, much to her protest, but instead positioned my tongue at her opening. I flicked my tongue ever so lightly against her opening and she lifted her hips to meet my mouth, practically begging me for it. I was more than happy to oblige. I darted my tongue in and out, watching the extreme pleasure build up in her eyes. My fingers moved to rub her clit simultaneously but my eyes never strayed from hers. She grinded her hips into my face as her knees trembled and she slowly threw her head back. I could tell she was on the brink of coming, her breath coming out in short bursts, and I was determined to make it the best orgasm she had ever felt. I thrust my tongue deep inside of her, rubbing her clit in a figure-eight motion, my heart beating a mile a minute as I saw the ecstasy in her eyes.

Her scream echoed off the walls as her body convulsed, everything inside of her being pulled apart by the single orgasm. She sunk into the bedspread as I trailed light kisses up her stomach, on her breasts, against her neck, and eventually my lips met hers.

I could tell she was exhausted by the look in her eyes but she was eager to kiss me back, sucking on my bottom lip as our mouths met in a fiery passion. Later, I realized that this dance of kisses was both of our ways of avoiding any form of talking or communicating, choosing to get swept up in the passion so as to ignore the lingering feelings we still had for one another no matter how much we both wanted to let go.

When I pulled my lips off of hers, the eagerness in her eyes told me exactly what she wanted next and hell, I wasn't going to disappoint. I was throbbing with unbridled desire at this point and wanted, no needed, to be inside of her to feel the sense of idealized intimacy the two of us used to share so welcomingly with each other. I would never be able to truly figure out how we had gotten that far in that moment knowing what we both knew, but my mind was set on remembering the good times we used to share together. And mind-blowing sex was definitely amongst those good times.

I settled myself above her hesitantly, gazing into her eyes. She nodded but turned away, grimacing uncertainly as if she wasn't sure if this was really what she wanted. Her facial expression might have been uncertain but all I could see was her eyes and they wanted it nearly as much as I did, if not more.

The hesitation disappeared from me completely as I slowly entered her, a moan escaping my lips as I felt her clench around me. I pulled out, but only slightly, before sinking into her with a sense of fiery attack, needing to feel every inch of her however I saw fit. The rhythm began slow and steady at first, both of us just wanting to enjoy the true intimacy of the situation. Her expression eventually went from yearning to intense aggression and I knew it was time to stop taking it slow and start making it rough.

I smirked in anticipation. And suddenly I wasn't holding back anymore. I plunged into her hard and fast, watching the delight in her eyes as her hips met my rhythm. In and out I went until the bed began to rock to our seamless cadence, our moans and gasps filling the room with an undeniable urge. She shut her eyes and began to pant desperately and I could tell we were both only seconds away from a mind-blowing orgasm.

We didn't disappoint.

Our cries merged in unison as I thrust into her one final time, the climax hitting both of us with an overwhelming wave of pleasure. I collapsed beside her but she didn't move. I hadn't expected her to.

We hadn't said a single word the entire time, both of us knowing that if a word were to be spoken, it might have awaken our consciences. And in that given moment, neither of us wanted to even believe we had a conscience.

Of course now lying here beside her, I was suddenly regretting casting that conscience aside.

Based on the expression on Lily's face, it was evident she felt the same.

I really should have just walked away.

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A/N: Yes, after all of that time waiting for a chapter, I leave you on that gut-wrenching cliffhanger. ...Oops? But we finally get some James-Lily heart-to-heart interaction! Where can things possibly go from here? We also have some interesting Sirius-Keegan conversations, some good Marauder fun, a James-Dezzy-Drew apology, some Victor tidbits, and as always, some honest conversation between the Marauders. What else could you want? Uh...besides another update of course.