A/N: Yeeeaaaahhhh, I would apologize for the cliffhanger, but...well, they may drive you crazy, but you can't deny they have a certain flare about them, aye? So I guess we're about to find out what this all means, hm? Aka you don't want to read my author's note right now. So without further ado, here's chapter 41!
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling = not me.
Goodbyes on the Balcony
Chapter 41: Of Logic, Immobilization, & Mani-Pedis
By ByeByeBirdie
++LILY++
What the hell was the matter with me? For the past few months, I had been cursing the ground that James Potter walked on, muttering angry obscenities towards him under my breath and wishing bodily harm upon him for breaking my heart the way he had. And yet the moment he kisses me, I go weak in the knees and hop into bed with him.
What the hell was the matter with me?
I tried ignoring the fact that it was the best sex we ever had as I scrambled around my bedroom searching for my clothes. "Oh my God," I muttered under my breath, the words coming out in a strangled whisper. These were the first words spoken since he entered my bedroom. "Oh my God, what did we just do? What the hell were we thinking?!"
"Lily-"
"Bloody hell, I can't believe that just happened," I choked out, grabbing my shirt from the floor and tossing it into my arms.
"Lily, please stop," he pleaded, reaching out for my arm.
I jerked it back, refusing to look at him. "Don't talk to me right now," I whispered guiltily, shaking my head.
"I have to," he urged. "You're freaking out a little."
"Of course I'm freaking out, James!" I snapped, wondering where the hell my bra had gotten off to. "This…this shouldn't have happened!"
"But it did," he whispered, slowly climbing out from underneath the sheets. "So can…can we just talk about this? Please?"
I couldn't believe it but I felt myself blush at the realization that we were both naked. "I-I can't," I whispered hoarsely, still avoiding eye contact with him. "Not…not now. Just…please can you just go?" I pleaded, my heart beating about a mile a minute.
"Lily," he pleased, ignoring my words completely as he reached for my hand. "Talk to me."
I wrenched my hand from his, turning around to glare at him. "I don't want to talk about this, James!" I exclaimed in a hushed whisper. "Don't you get it? I don't want to talk about it because I don't want to talk to you! Why the hell did you have to show up at my door tonight? I would have been perfectly fine never seeing or speaking to you again and you just had to go and ruin that. You think I wanted this to happen? Because I didn't! This was the last thing I wanted! And you just…you just had to come in here and mess with me, didn't you?"
"Pretty sure it takes two people to have sex," he muttered sullenly.
I slapped him across the face before I could even stop myself. I gasped in guilty horror, ignoring the shock on his face. I had to turn away from him as the tears welled up inside of me. "I'm sorry, I-I didn't mean to do that."
He frowned. "I think you did," he spoke softly.
My bottom lip trembled desperately. "I-I can't do this with you right now, James. I'm just…I can't…I-I don't…I-I just can't. I'm…I'm sorry." The tears blurred my eyes and in that moment, I just needed to get away from him. I dropped my clothes in my arms to the floor and towards the door hastily.
"Lily, you shouldn't be sorry, I'm the one that's sorry. I shouldn't have—dammit, Lily, where the hell are you going?"
I didn't respond, rushing out of the room without so much as a glance towards him. Considering I was naked, I didn't have many options as to where to go so I rushed into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. I leaned up against the door, attempting to catch my breath from what easily could have been the worst mistake I had ever made. The tears were pooling in my eyelids but I tried desperately to blink them back, not wanting him to hear me cry. Needing to not cry in fear of never being able to stop.
As a backwards way of trying to distract myself, I turned on the shower and slowly stepped in, letting the hot water scald my skin. I barely felt it though. All I could see was James. His hands running through my hair, his kisses running down my jaw, his toned body, his moans filling the room, his lips on my breasts. Everything in inside of me stirred with passion, but my head was screaming. I tried closing my eyes, needing to block it all away but it just made the flashbacks that much more prevalent in my memory.
I heard a knock on the door, followed by a whisper. "Lily, please talk to me."
The tears threatened to spill out as I endeavored to ignore his pleading voice. I tried to think of anything else other than the colossal error I just made in judgment but knowing he was standing right outside the door made that impossible.
I heard a light sigh escape his lips followed by his final words. "I'm sorry, Lily. For everything."
There were quiet footsteps as he walked away.
It was at that moment that I fell to the bottom of the tub in a crumpled heap as the overwhelming sobs fell from my lips. I couldn't hold it back anymore. I cried for all of the right reasons and maybe all of the wrong reasons, too. I was crying because I thought I had hit rock bottom when I found out James didn't love me anymore. But as it turns out, I was wrong. This was my rock bottom. I was cowering on the bottom of a dingy bathtub as the hot water spilled down my body wondering what I had ever done to deserve such immense pain and heartbreak. I was still so very much in love with a man who didn't love me back. And what did I do to show my anger towards him? I slept with him.
What the hell was the matter with me?
++JAMES++
There was so much I wanted to do and say at that moment. I wanted to go after her. I wanted to tell her the truth. I wanted to stop hurting her every chance I got. But apparently I couldn't. Apparently everything I did was wrong. And I didn't know how to fix it. Or even if I could.
I loved her so much. Too much maybe. All loving her ever did was get the two of us into a heap of disasters. Most of it was my fault. Hell, all of it was my fault. All I had ever wanted was for her to be safe. But where has it gotten us?
As I headed back into her room to search for my clothes, my heart ached at the realization that a small part of me had actually believed that sleeping with her would solve all of our problems. She had told me she was still in love with me and I had focused on those words instead of focusing on the part where she begged me to tell her how she could fall out of love with me. She may have still loved me but after what I did, could we ever go back?
I guess that really was the question at the end of the day. Unfortunately, I didn't have the answer. And I wasn't so sure I'd ever be able to find the answers.
What was the plan now? What was my next step? What was left for Lily and me? Was there anything left between us? Was this our way of saying good-bye to each other or was this our way of saying we'd never truly be able to let each other go? All I wanted were the answers. But they were answers I had finally realized I may never get. She didn't want to talk to me. Not just now. But ever. I never should have even knocked on her door to begin with. I should have just let it be.
What the hell was the matter of me?
I traipsed back into Potter Manor late that night. It was after two o'clock in the morning but I barely noticed the time. When I strolled into my bedroom, I was suddenly hit with a sense of nostalgia, knocking the wind out of me momentarily. My eyes glazed over the photos that adorned the wall, Lily smiling down at me in all of them. I glanced over at the rocking chair where Lily's old hoodies used to lay haphazardly from when she returned home after a morning jog. My heart skipped a beat as my eyes fixated on the bed where Lily and I made love too many times to count. So much in that room reminded me of her. Too much. It was overwhelming.
I tried drastically to ignore the reminders as I ventured out on to the balcony. There was a chill in the air but I barely noticed as I covered myself in a blanket. A blanket that smelled like her.
And that's when I let myself start crying.
I don't know how long I sat out there for but I only wiped the tears away when the sun rose off in the horizon. It should have been a beautiful sight but I was beginning to think nothing would ever be beautiful again.
++SIRIUS++
"Please tell me there's some form of breakfast food around," I muttered the next morning, strolling into the kitchen to be greeted by Remus and Peter reading the newspaper. I peeked into the refrigerator. "Leftover pizza it is."
Peter snorted. "I know I didn't come over here for stale pizza."
"Well, what are you doing here? And so early. Shouldn't you be sleeping?"
"Remus summoned me. Something about a not-so-pretty fight between a certain Padfoot and Prongs last night."
"Oh, we're over that," I said dismissively, pulling the box of pizza out and opening it up. I took a slice out and shoved it into my mouth, tossing the pizza box back into the refrigerator. "We made up last night."
"Sirius Black, I am going to kill you!" James groaned, traipsing into the kitchen and sliding into the kitchen table, leaning his forehead down against the table.
"Er…does James know you made up?" Peter asked me with a hint of a smirk.
I shot him a glare before turning back to face my best friend. "Do you mind me telling me what it is I did now?"
"You got inside my head with your logic and insight and…and sage advice!"
I hesitated. "Logic and insight and sage advice? Really?"
"Yeah, that doesn't sound like Padfoot," Remus chimed in.
"Far from it actually," Peter interjected.
"He doesn't have a logical bone in his body."
"His brain is pretty empty."
"He only ever gives terrible advice."
"He's not known for his-"
"Alright, I think Prongs gets it!" I cried, shooting them a dry look before glancing over at James. "So? Mind telling me how I got into your head?"
Sighing, he picked his head up from the table. "I went to see Lily last night."
Silence filled the room.
"Ah, that logic and insight and sage advice," I mused with a sheepish grin. "So if you are planning to kill me I can only assume it didn't go well."
James frowned, words not falling from his mouth immediately as he ran his fingers through his hair. He leaned back in his chair with a sad sigh, his expression growing steadily tormented. He glanced up at the three of us hesitantly before muttering, "Oh, it, uh…it went swimmingly. A little bit of yelling, cursing, crying, insulting, confessing, sex, slapping, scold-"
"Whoa, what!?" the three of us cried out.
"Nah, don't worry. She was the one who slapped me."
"That's not what we're exclaiming about!" Remus cried out, frustrated. "Please, oh please, do not tell me that you and Lily slept together."
He hesitated. "Alright, I won't tell you."
"JAMES!"
"I know!" he whined, cringing guiltily. "I don't know what I was thinking! It just…it just happened."
"Sex doesn't just happen, James!" Remus groaned, shaking his head. "Dammit, you walked away from her. How can you do this to her? You're just breaking her heart all over again."
"I know, Remus. I know!"
"If you know this then why did you go and do something so stupid!?"
He hesitated. "Well, that part I don't know."
"JAMES!"
"Stop yelling at me!" he whined, jutting out his bottom lip in a whimpering pout. "I'm supposed to be yelling at Sirius right now because this is all his fault!"
"Oh, didn't realize Sirius was in the room pushing you into Lily's naked arms. I gotta say, that's kinda creepy."
"I am so not finding you funny right now."
"And I am finding you to be a complete ass right now."
James frowned. "It...it just happened, Remus," he whispered, holding his head in his hands with a moan. "Believe me, I know I'm an ass. But I can't take it back."
Remus rolled his eyes before turning to me and Peter. "Feel free to chime in here, guys."
Peter glanced at me curiously, but my eyes were on James the entire time. I saw the burden in his eyes, his jawline rigid with guilt and I suddenly saw so much of me in him. Eventually, I sighed. "Actually, I understand," I muttered, Riley suddenly very vivid in my mind.
Silence followed. And then - "Er…excuse me?" Remus said coolly.
"Can you make me understand how it happened?" James asked with a whine.
"Oh, I don't understand how it happened," I clarified, shrugging curtly. "I just understand why."
Three blank stares gazed back at me.
"Are you going to make sense any time soon?" James asked irritably.
I sighed. "You were confused and angry and upset and you felt helpless and desperate," I started slowly. "You want to be able to let her go but you also feel this need to keep even just a short hold on her so as not to lose that last bit of control you have on your life. You wanted a reminder of what you used to share and the person you used to be. Just because you broke up doesn't mean the passion and attraction has completely disappeared. The love is still there, taunting and teasing you as it searches for closure. Closure you're not so sure you'll ever get. And there was the girl who you loved so fiercely staring up at you and all you wanted was to feel whole again. So in that moment, you felt you only had one option."
The blank stares turned to shock and awe, their eyes bearing a hole through mine as I finished with my profound words.
"Er…at least that's what I felt when I slept with Riley last week. Alright, gotta go finish unpacking. See you later!" I said hastily, quickly rushing out of the kitchen.
"What?"
"SIRIUS!"
"Did he just say that?"
Three chairs scraped across the floor as they jumped up and hurried after me. "Hold it right there," I heard Remus growl behind me as I began to ascend the foyer stairs. "Impedimenta!"
I found myself frozen against the ground, stumbling forward slightly while emitting a frustrated shriek. "What the hell? Did you seriously just freeze me?" I scowled, whirling my head around to glare at my friends as I attempted to move my feet with no success.
"What the hell? Did you seriously just say you slept with Riley?"
I hesitated, shrugging. "Hm. Fair argument. Could you unfreeze me now?"
Remus sighed but obliged, muttering the countercurse. "Now you want to tell us how the hell that one happened?"
"No, not really."
"I can do a lot worse than an immobilization jinx, Padfoot!"
I sighed, running my fingers lazily through my hair. "I-I don't know how it happened and I don't really want to talk about it, so just forget-"
"Yeah, you do," James argued, shrugging curtly. "Or you wouldn't have brought it up."
Damn, he had a point. I didn't respond immediately, leaning up against the stairwell banister with a sigh. Slowly, I met James' gaze, feeling that he out of anyone may actually understand. "I could stand here and tell you it's because I'm a guy and she's a girl, but I think we all know there's a lot more to it than that."
James let out a regretful sigh before saying, "Closure?"
"Hm?"
He shrugged, his eyes locking with mine. "Things ended abruptly, Padfoot. You had no closure. No finale. No real resolution. It just…ended. Unexpectedly. Whether you realize it or not, you've been holding on to that for four years."
I shuddered at the thought. "I don't want to hold on to it," I muttered.
"Hah, join the club," James snorted. "But gaining closure is never easy. And rarely possible if you ask me."
"And your way of attempting to get closure is to sleep with the problem?" Peter snorted. "Seems to me that's a pretty sucky way of going about it."
"Couldn't agree more," Remus chimed in with a frown. "Because sleeping with someone as a backwards way of trying to resolve the awkward, unsteady distance that's been put between you not only doesn't solve anything but it just adds more insult to injury," he spoke, looking back and forth between myself and James, his lips settling into a thin line. "You've just made things worse for yourselves. Because you didn't gain any sort of closure from it and you're nowhere close to gaining it either. You just gained even more confusing questions for yourselves and for Riley and Lily, if you ask me."
"No one asked you," James muttered irritably.
Remus glared at him. "Can I ask the obvious question here?" he muttered irritably, leaning against the stairwell handrail.
"How was the sex?" I mused.
Remus glared at me. "No! I don't want to know that!"
My eyebrow shot up. "Really?"
He hesitated. "Well, alright I do, but later, not now when I'm berating you!"
"I'd prefer we discuss that over you berating us," I muttered.
"Seriously, can I just ask, where the hell are you all supposed to go from here?" Remus asked, ignoring me completely.
James and I exchanged a hesitant look. "Er…any chance you're about to tell us?"
"Don't you two ever use your heads instead of your goddamned dicks?"
Ouch. "Dude, you're talking to me here," I snorted with a teasing smile.
He looked quite unamused, but it was clear Peter and James were trying to hold back a laugh. Remus glared at them, however, and they quickly shut up. "Sirius, you have been going on and on venting about Riley's return and how you can't forgive her for what she did-"
"I still haven't."
"-and you're not talking to Lily because she's been hanging out with Riley, you're-"
"I'm not talking to her because she went behind my back and did that."
"-you're pissed at Kay for being willing to forgive her, you hate-"
"I'm pissed because one minute Kay hated her and broke up with Lance because of it and then suddenly she changed her mind!"
"-you hate that James was able to let Riley back into his life so easily, but-"
"He only did that because he's replacing the loss of Lily with her!"
"But-"
"HEY!" James interrupted, shooting me a look. "That has nothing to do with it!"
"I'M STILL TALKING!" Remus shouted, glaring at both of us.
We went silent.
"Thank you," he snapped, the anger building up in every word he spoke. "You don't get to complain and vent and throw insults around about the girl that walked out on you just to turn around and sleep with her!"
"I didn't plan it," I muttered.
"Did I say I was finished?"
Jeez, he wasn't messing around.
"And you, James!" Remus scoffed, turning to glare at him. I was a bit grateful that he was moving away from scolding me but James clearly looked uncomfortable. "You let Lily go. You did the worst thing that you possibly could have done to her and told her you didn't love her. And what's worse is that it was a complete lie! Whatever ridiculous or backwards reason you chose to do so, you-"
"I was trying to protect her!"
"-you broke her heart. Lily is leaving because she is trying to move on from you, James. Because that's what you wanted her to do. You let her go. And now you're just messing with her head! Don't sleep with the girl who still has a little bit of hope that you'll love her again one day when we all know you'll refuse to let yourself love her ever again because you can't stand the idea that you'll get hurt one day! Damnit, James, why can't you just let her go like you said you wanted to!?"
"I DON'T KNOW HOW!" James shouted, the desperation seeping through every word. "You think this is easy for me, Moony? You think any of this is easy for me? I have been in love with Lily since I was just eleven years old and at that age, I never once thought that it would ever get here!"
"Mostly because you never thought you could ever get her to fall in love with you in the first place," I muttered.
James glared at him. "Do you want Moony to go back to yelling at you?"
"Oh, no, I've definitely moved on to you, Prongs," Remus snapped.
James turned his glare on the werewolf. "I didn't go over to Lily's apartment to sleep with her. I went over there to…well…I-I don't know why. I just…I had to see her," he muttered, running his fingers through his hair. "Every time I think I can finally get used to a world without her, I see her kissing someone else or she gets attacked or she decides she's going to leave England and my heart is suddenly aching for her again and I can't manage to find the courage to move on. But if you have any other suggestions, please be my guest!"
"Here's a thought: don't break up with her in the first place!"
"Gee, thank you for that sound advice," James responded coolly.
Remus' jaw tightened, clearly unamused by his sarcasm. "Prongs, I have been your best friend for almost eleven years. I have always been on your side. I've always been there for you. But somewhere in the last eleven years, Lily became my best friend, too. And what you are doing to her is killing her, Prongs. It's killing her. You can't keep giving her false hope. You can't keep going back there. You can't keep changing your mind. One minute you want her out of your life. The next, you want to tell her the truth. Then you want to walk away. Next you want to tell her you love her. After that you want to let her go to North America. And then you decide to show up on her doorstep for…for what? What good could have possibly come out of that!?"
"She should have told me she was leaving," James said in a small voice.
"Why!?" Remus shouted. "She doesn't owe you anything, James! You broke her heart!"
"I KNOW THAT!" James cried out, glaring feebly at him. "Dammit, Moony, I know what I did. I know I hurt her! I know I broke her heart! I know! So why the hell do you keep yelling at me?"
"Because I'm sick and tired of everyone thinking that walking away is the bloody answer! And I'm even more sick and tired of everyone thinking that that can be forgiven by sleeping around! PEOPLE'S ACTIONS SHOULD HAVE CONSEQUENCES!"
His loud voice reverberated off every wall in the Manor as he shoved past me and stormed up the stairs, leaving the three of us frozen with shock.
"Does anyone else think he may be referring to a certain former ex-fiancée more than he is us?" I eventually spoke, glancing atop Peter's head to meet James' gaze.
"I think it was a little bit about you two," Peter snorted.
I glared at him. "Should we go after him?"
James and Peter exchanged a look. "No," James mused. "Let him cool down."
I nodded, sighing sullenly. "He was right, y'know," I muttered.
James met my gaze and nodded. "Yeah," he sighed. "I know."
++REMUS++
I know I overreacted a tad but I was tired of my friends' back-and-forth mind games. They should have been the owners of their own fate but truth was, their lives were being powered by the girls they had seemingly left behind. I know I had berated and scolded them probably more than they deserved, but my blood was boiling. It was so incredibly obvious that neither one of my friends had a clue what they wanted. And what was worse, they weren't even trying to figure it out. It was as if they enjoyed being in limbo, not knowing what they felt or what they wanted to feel. It was maddening.
I couldn't help but wonder what Lily and Riley must have been thinking. Riley was engaged and Lily had been angry with James since January and the first moment they both get, they hop into bed with two people they should really be staying away from. Why did everyone have to lead with their libidos over using their goddamned heads?
I wanted to act as if I was the logical one of the group, but truth be told, I hadn't had much of a chance to lead with anything except my head after Jillian left. Getting my heart stomped on in front of all of my friends and family had me promising myself I would never fall in love again. You can't hurt when you don't fall in love.
With everything going on with the people around me – James and Lily playing cat-and-mouse with each other, Sirius and Riley saying one thing and doing something else the next, and even Kay and Lance continually changing their minds about what they want and need from each other – it was hard not focusing on my own unfortunate failed relationship. It was hard to tell if I was angry or frustrated or, dare I say it, envious of all the troubles my friends have had. I yelled at them for trying to gain closure the wrong way, but hell, could I say I wouldn't have tried to do the same if given the chance? Unfortunately, Jillian was gone before I ever could.
No matter how hard I tried to get her out of my mind, I couldn't. She would always be there. But you didn't see me chasing after her, did you? No, I had a little bit of self-control, which is more than I can say for my friends.
"Hey."
I frowned at the sound of Sirius' voice, slowly turning around to face him. "Hey," I murmured. "I, uh…I'm sorry I blew up at you before."
"No, you're not."
No, I really wasn't.
"Remus, I have to ask you something that you might really hate me for."
I met his gaze, nodding hesitantly. "Alright then."
"If Jillian showed up at your door right now, don't you think there would be a small part of you that still felt something so strongly for her where you, too, may make the mistake of sleeping with her?"
I tensed up at the blunt question. "Sirius, that's not what I'm so angry about," I muttered. "I'm angry that none of you can make up your bloody minds. You deserve better, James deserves better, and unfortunately Riley and Lily do, too. It's like none of you want to let go of the past."
"Have you let go of the past?"
"We're not talking about me, Padfoot."
"Well, maybe we should be," he retaliated with a shrug. "Because honestly, I think your frustration with myself and James at the moment is partly because of a grudge that you're still holding for Jillian."
"Will you quit mentioning her?" I muttered irritably.
He shrugged. "It's been a long time since any of us had really mentioned her, Moony," he murmured. "Maybe it's time we do."
I shot him a look. "No, it really isn't."
He glared right back at me. "Moony."
I opened my mouth to shut him up but as I met his gaze, I saw my best friend staring back at me with concern. Concern for me. It had been a long time since I had seen him concerned about anything but himself. I let out a slow sigh. "Why do these girls have such a freakishly strong hold over us?" I muttered, shaking my head slowly.
Sirius frowned, leaning up against the doorframe with crossed arms. "Falling in love does that to you."
I had never wanted to fall in love, knowing that what I was would hinder anyone from wanting and needing to be with me. And I had stupidly let my guard down to let Jillian in just to watch her dismiss me for the same reasons I had always been so afraid of. "Do you ever wish you never fell in love, Sirius?" I blurted out.
He blinked in surprise of the question. "No," he said rather immediately.
I hesitated. "What, you think it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?" I questioned him.
He shook his head. "Not at all," he argued. "Actually, it's better to have loved and lost in order to realize that love is a complete sham and not even remotely worth the heartbreak that comes with it. "
Wow. "You really believe that?"
"Don't you?"
That was the age-old question, wasn't it. After having my heart ripped out of my chest by Jillian, would I still someday maybe want to fall in love again?
No. I knew that the answer was no. While heartbreak occurs in numerous ways, there was only one way my heart would ever break. It was always going to be the same. I'm a werewolf. And if she couldn't deal with that, she would walk away. Which means that they would always walk away.
Sirius sighed when I said nothing. "Remus, you need to take some of your own advice," he muttered.
"What?"
He frowned, glancing at me out of the corner of his eye. "Have you let go of Jillian yet?"
Of course not. I never even had the chance to say good-bye to her. He knew that. I turned away from his stare without bothering to answer.
He shrugged knowingly. "You're not going to be able to let her go until you talk to her."
I froze, meeting his concerned gaze. "I-I don't know if I can."
Sirius sighed. "Believe me, I know," he muttered.
I snickered unexpectedly. "You've got to figure out a way to talk to Riley without doing something stupid."
"It's a bit late for that," he snorted.
I shrugged but said nothing. I knew I had blown up at Sirius and James because I had Jillian on my mind. My heart ached at the reminder of my not-so-wedding day. I woke up that morning feeling refreshed and so confident of the life that lay in front of me. The only time I had felt the slight possibility of cold feet was that one brief time I told her not to marry me. And that wasn't even me coming down with cold feet. That was me needing her to know that our life wouldn't be easy. And she told me she didn't care and I believed her. I believed her. James, Sirius, and Peter stood to my left with grins from ear to ear to match the one on my face. Lily and Kay sat together towards the front, the tears already reflecting in their eyes. Lance was holding Kay's hand and beside him was Drew with his arm around Dezzy. Fabian was there with his date Keegan and Frank and Alice were right behind them. For years, I was there for everyone else during the good times and the bad. The engagements and the weddings. The attacks and the deaths. And for once, it had been my day.
And she took that away from me. It was no longer my day. It simply became a day that was no longer.
I just remember standing there. And standing there. And standing there. And the door in the back never opened. Not once. Jillian never walked through and neither did her sister or her friends or her parents. No one. No one walked through to tell me what had had happened. No one walked through to tell me I wasn't going home a husband. No one told me the truth. No one.
I was alone.
I remember James trying to talk to me. I remember Sirius trying to pass me a beer. I remember Peter sitting down beside me on the stairs. I remember Lily leaving and coming back with the letter. I remember reading the letter and then proceeding to rip it into a thousand pieces as Kay held my hand. I remember my friends. What I don't remember is Jillian because she never showed.
I was alone.
I remember throwing a bottle of firewhisky at the wall and watching it smash to pieces, the dark liquid trickling down the wall. I remember yelling at Sirius and James for trying to say anything comforting. I remember rushing into the room I knew Jillian was getting ready to find it completely empty. I remember falling to my knees and letting out a heart-wrenching sob. I remember meeting the gaze of Sirius and realizing that I knew exactly how he felt the moment Riley walked away from him.
We were alone.
Slowly, I turned towards Sirius. I had pretended for too long that everything was fine but it wasn't going to be fine until I got that elusive closure none of us seemed able to find. "I'll talk to Jillian if you talk to Riley."
He frowned, glancing at me hesitantly. He said nothing at first and I had a strong feeling he was weighing his options. Sighing, he asked, "Where do we even start?"
My jaw tightened curiously as I leaned back in the chair. "I have absolutely no clue."
++KAY++
I woke up to the feel of Lance's lips on my cheek and I smiled, peeking one eye open. "Mm, that will never get old," I whispered, rolling over to face him. I captured his lips with mine, my arms wrapping around his shoulders and drawing him close to me.
Our lips never parted as I rolled on top of him, his hands traveling into my tangled hair. He groaned as my hips bucked against his, his lips trailing down my jawline towards my exposed neck. His hands fumbled against the bottom of my tank top before whisking it off my body and letting it tumble to the floor. Our mouths met again in a fiery passion, the desperation building up inside both of us.
"I could get used to this," he whispered into my ear, pushing my hair away from the nape of my neck and pressing a kiss against my sensitive skin.
I moaned in response as his hands roamed up my sides and landed on my breasts, his lips falling on mine once again. Everything inside of me burst with passion, the feeling of his hands and his lips on me filling me with an unadulterated ache for more.
My hands ripped at the drawstring on his pants when I suddenly heard it. I perked up hesitantly, pulling away.
Lance sat up with a curious expression. "What? What's wr-"
"Shh," I said, falling to his side. "Is that…is that someone knocking on our door?"
Lance's nose crinkled. "Ignore it," he said with a teasing smile, reaching over to kiss me.
I laughed, kissing him and pulling back, pressing my nose to his. "It could be important."
"More important than this?" he smirked, pressing his lips to my temple, causing me to smile.
"Nothing is more important than you," I whispered, running my fingers through his hair. "But it's not even seven o'clock in the morning and past experience has told me that getting a knock at your door first thing in the morning can only mean bad things."
"Even more reason to ignore it," he teased, pressing a kiss to my stomach.
I squirmed at the tickling touch, giggling as I swatted him away. I jumped when the pounding on the door became louder from the other room. I kissed Lance before reaching for my tank top and tossing it back on. Lance groaned, falling back against the pillow as I headed out of the room towards the front door.
Opening it, I was greeted by a very distraught-looking Lily. "Lily," I said softly. "What…what's wrong?"
Her bottom lip trembled, the tears collecting in the corners of her eyes. I was about to ask her again, when she blurted out, "I slept with James."
Everything inside of me froze at the announcement. "Uh…I…you…but…what?"
She merely nodded, her eyes widening with guilt.
"Like…four months ago, right?" I said with quite an accusing tone.
She shook her head. "Last night," she whispered.
I was floored. My head was numb with shock, my expression blank with confusion. "But…I…uh…what?"
"I know," she whispered, shaking her head in remorse. "I…I know."
I sighed, ushering her into my apartment and shutting the door behind us. I gestured towards the couch. "Firewhisky or tequila?"
"It's seven o'clock in the morning."
My eyebrow quirked. "Mimosa then?"
"Yes, but instead of champagne and orange juice, can you substitute it with firewhisky and tequila?" she muttered, sinking into the couch cushions.
I nodded before heading into the dining room and pulling out the bottles. I didn't even bother with glasses as I trudged back over to Lily. I plopped down beside her, uncapped the tequila and handed it to her. She took a large swig, a tear escaping her right eye as she did.
"Alright, tell me everything," I encouraged, taking a sip of the firewhisky in my hand. I cringed as the liquid burned down my throat.
She pulled the bottle from her lips hesitantly. "I…I don't even know how it happened," she spoke in a small voice. "One minute we were yelling at each other and…and suddenly, he was kissing me. And I was letting him. And that led to…well, you know."
"You were yelling at each other? About what?"
She sighed. "He found out I was leaving."
I cringed, though I couldn't be sure if it was because I was reminded that my best friend was picking up and leaving or if it was because I had a feeling James' may not have been so pleased to hear Lily was leaving. "Ouch," I murmured. "What did he have to say to that?"
Her distressed expression turned angry as she took another quick swig of tequila, cringing as the liquid burned her throat. "He had the audacity to be frustrated with me for not telling him. As if I owe him a goddamned thing."
I sighed. Oh, James. What the hell were you thinking? "And exactly how does that lead you to…well, you know."
She frowned hesitantly, as if she was still trying to work out the details on that one. "He actually told me he was going to miss me," she muttered. "And then he…he gives me some insincere apology about how he feels bad that things turned out the way they did."
I glanced at her, recognizing the overwhelming confusion in her tone. "Are you sure it was insincere?"
Her jaw tightened as she met my gaze, handing me the tequila and reaching for the firewhisky. "I don't know," she admitted. "But an apology won't change anything."
"No," I said, knowing all too well that an apology won't always be the solution. "But at least he apologized. That counts for something, doesn't it?"
She let out a sigh, leaning her head against the couch cushion. "I don't know," she muttered, shrugging. "I wish it did, but I…I just don't know."
I frowned in confusion. "Alright, Lily, I have to ask: how the hell did you two wind up sleeping together? Because it sounds pretty clear to me that you are still angry with him."
I could see the regretful wheels turning in her head, her bottom lip trembling unbeknownst to her. "Y'know," she murmured, fingering the label on the firewhisky bottle, "I asked him point blank how he stopped loving me."
My eyebrow shot up. "And?"
Her grip tightened around the bottle. "He told me couldn't tell me," she snapped. "He told me that he didn't want to lie and so I shouldn't ask him that question."
I blinked, more confused than ever with both James and Lily. James for being incredibly cryptic and Lily for not answering my question.
Before I could question her further, she continued, "So then I…I asked him the other question that's been on my mind since we broke up."
I watched the angst grow in her emerald eyes as she glanced up at me. "I asked him to tell me how I can fall out of love with him since apparently it was so easy for him to do it with me."
My heart broke at the desperation in her voice and I sighed. "And…and what did he say to that?"
She blinked away the tears I could see settling in her eyelids. "He said nothing," she whispered. "That's when he kissed me."
I frowned. "And you kissed him back."
She nodded miserably, taking a sip of the firewhisky in her hands before letting out a sigh.
I said nothing, letting the conversation mull over in my mind as I sipped the tequila in my hands. I knew that people did stupid things with the people they were in love with, but I couldn't help but wonder if this took the cake. I was angry at James for kissing Lily when he should have never knocked at her door. I was angry and Lily for kissing him back when she was so desperate to move on from him. I was angry at James for never being able to make up his mind. And I was angry at Lily for giving him any reason to believe he didn't have to make up his mind.
But seeing as it was obvious Lily was already hating on herself, I decided groaning and scolding her was not ideal. So instead I said, "Alright, so fast forward to after you slept with him. What did he say?"
She grew uncomfortable, wincing as she took another sip of alcohol as a clear tactic to avoid the question.
My eyes narrowed. "Please tell me you two talked about it."
The grimace on her face pretty much told me that she didn't.
"Lily!" I groaned, my expression growing stern. "You can't just sleep with your ex-boyfriend after all the shit that you two have gone through and then not discuss it!"
"I know!" she whined, burying her face in her hands. "But I just…I don't want to talk about it! Because no matter what the hell he had to say about it, it doesn't change the fact that I still love him and he doesn't love me anymore."
"But," I said hesitantly, "what if he does?"
"He doesn't."
"Why are you so convinced of that?"
"Because he told me!" she blurted out, glaring at me. "He looked me in the fucking eye and he said he didn't love me anymore! And no matter what the hell is going on with him, he never would have said that if that wasn't how he felt. So I have to be convinced of it, Kay. I have to believe it! Because if there is even a small ounce of me that doesn't believe it, that means that he hurt me in the worst possible way with the worst possible lie. I'm barely holding it together as it is, Kay. If I found out that...I just…I can't…"
She trailed off, clearly unable to even entertain the idea that something bigger was going on with James than he was letting on. Which was fine, because I could entertain the idea for her for the sole reason that I knew James Potter still had feelings for Lily. He had loved her since he even knew what love was. Since way before Lily even gave him the time of day. His life was falling apart around him and the only person who had ever been able to help get him through it was her. He wouldn't let her go unless he felt he had a reason to. And I just couldn't imagine that that reason was that he fell out of love with her. It just didn't make sense.
Glancing at her, I sighed. "That's why you didn't talk to him," I muttered. It was a statement not a question. "Because you don't really want to know whether he still loves you or not. You need to believe that he doesn't. Even if you still do."
Frowning, she nodded slowly. "I can't talk to him," she whispered softly. "I just…I just can't."
I unfortunately understood her stubbornness this time around because I had been there. When Lance and I broke off our engagement, I didn't want to hear anything he had to say. Because I was afraid if I did, I would stop listening to my own thoughts of anger and hurt and betrayal and find a way to forgive him just because I wasn't sure I knew how to live without him. It's a lot easier listening to your head when you weren't standing in front of the guy who had ultimate control over your heart.
"So," I asked softly, glancing over at her, "What are you going to do now?"
Her forehead creased as she pondered the question, pulling the bottle of firewhisky to her lips and gulping down a large sip. Removing the bottle from her lips, I watched as a defeated frown wrinkled into her regretful expression. A sigh slowly escaped her lips as she met my gaze and shrugged. "I'm going to go to Philadelphia."
My heart sank as she spoke but I didn't have enough time to respond as she handed me the firewhisky bottle, stood up off the couch, said her good-bye and walked out the door.
++SYDNY++
It was quiet that morning. Too quiet. Nothing good could come from a quiet morning.
When James walked in around nine o'clock (about two hours past his usual time), I blurted out, "Who died?"
He blinked, glancing at me robotically. "And a good morning to you, too. What are you talking about?"
"Sorry, but I know something's up. This place is like a ghost town."
"And you're asking the guy who just walked in?"
"I assumed you had been in on whatever the hell happened which is why you're showing up late."
"Nine o'clock is late?"
"For you it is."
He shrugged, falling into his desk chair with a defeated sigh. "Gee, that's the last time I'll sleep in."
"Didn't realize you knew how to do that."
He glared at me. "Why so testy this morning, Lafevre?"
"I told you – something is up. I know it."
"I wasn't aware you had Seeing powers. Yet another secret you've kept from me all this time."
"Potter."
"What? You're being paranoid!"
I glared at him. "You don't get to show up an hour late and call me paranoid."
"I'm not late. We make our own time, remember?"
"Potter."
"Stop doing that."
"Doing what?"
"Calling me by my last name as if that will shut me up."
"Does anything ever shut you up?"
"Merlin's left buttock, I should have just stayed at home all day," he muttered.
I hesitated. "You really don't know if something is up or not?"
"I already said I didn't."
"Actually you never really said that."
"Potter!"
"Lafevre!"
I glared at him. "You are so bloody impossible, y'know that?"
"Thanks. It's one of my many talents."
"Lafevre," a voice came from behind me.
I cringed, turning around at the sound of Moody's voice. "Er…hi."
"Can I see you in my office?"
I frowned, gazing up at my mentor. He didn't look as if he was going to tell me someone had died but sometimes it was hard to tell with him. "Alright," I murmured, slowly getting up out of my chair.
"Hm, maybe you were on to something when you said something was up," I heard James mutter.
I smacked him on the back of his head as I followed Moody back into his office.
"You're probably wondering why I asked you here," Moody started, leaning back in his desk chair.
"I've learned to not question your intentions years ago."
A hesitant smile flickered on his face. "Can I ask you something, Sydny?"
"Alright."
"Why did you want to move to our London office?"
That was not the question I was expecting. "Er…what?"
He shrugged. "You were doing such incredible things in France. You were the best of the best, recognized by everyone as someone not to be messed with. You had taken down more Death Eaters during your time there than anyone could have imagined. So I ask you, why did you request the move?"
I blinked, slightly perturbed by the question. "The action was here, sir. I felt it was a good move for me."
He gazed at me curiously, his eyes feeling rather intrusive. "Do you still think it was a good move?"
"Where are you going with this?" I blurted out, avoiding the question.
"I have to ask you to do something I'm not entirely sure you're going to like."
I sighed. Oh, great. "Alright then, just ask."
"We need another person to go on the recruit training mission and I was hoping you would volunteer."
I stared at Moody incredulously. That threw me for a loop. "Why?"
"What?"
"Why do you need another person?" I repeated with a hint of a scoff. "You already have James and Fabian running it. I'd just be a bit of overkill, don't you think?"
Moody frowned, leaning back in his chair pensively. "With Miss Evans moving out of the country, Voldemort's sights are going to fully be on James now and we need the manpower to protect him. I know for a fact that you're the best manpower we have, Sydny."
"Lily's moving out of the country?" I blurted out in shock.
He nodded grimly. "Honestly, it's probably the best move for her."
Maybe but that's got to be killing James.
"We have it on good faith that the recent attack on her and Mr. Black's life was a warning that they're not backing off. And seeing as taking out Miss Evans was in the forefront of their plans, there's no doubt in my mind that they are going to direct all of their efforts towards James."
"If you really think that's the case then why are you sending James into a potential bloodbath? Why not keep him behind?"
"Because this is what he wants. And I'm not going to let a mass murderer be in control of the way this place is run. I'm certainly not going to let him affect how our decisions are made."
I narrowed my eyes curiously. "You just don't want to ask James because you know he'll blow up at you for even considering leaving him behind."
A sheepish smile crept up on Moody's face. "Let's face it, he won't take no for an answer. He doesn't want to hide out just because he might be in danger."
"Stubborn arse," I muttered.
Moody shrugged coyly. "Perhaps. But that's why I need you to look out for him."
"With all due respect, I've been doing that ever since I moved to this office but it just seems like my efforts have failed in every way."
"He's still alive, isn't he?"
"In the physical sense only."
He frowned, meeting my gaze. I saw concern staring back at me. "Yeah," he said softly. "But at this point, I'll take it."
It was clear that Moody truly cared for James Potter. Which explained why he was asking me to join James on the recruit training mission. I don't think I've ever really seen Moody show fear but I saw it in his eyes now. None of us had a clue what might happen to James but it was pretty evident we were all doing our best to try and ensure James' safety without compromising our integrity or his.
When I requested the transfer to the Britain office, Moody was all for it. Dumbledore was hesitant, afraid to put me so close to James Potter (which clearly I could now understand), but Moody agreed almost immediately. In France I had been there to protect the world from danger. In Britain, it was clear I was there to protect one person from danger. And I wasn't doing such a great job at it.
I ventured back out to my desk, noting the curiosity in James' eyes as I slipped back into my seat. "Guess who will probably be joining you on the recruit training mission?"
James frowned. "Is Fabian not going?"
"No, he is."
He blinked. "Huh?"
I shrugged. "My reaction precisely."
James shot me a look. "You want to try making some sense, Lafevre?"
I frowned, letting out a sigh. "What's there to say? Moody asked me to volunteer so I'm apparently going."
Frustration flashed across James' face. "Does he really think I need some sort of bodyguard? You can't protect me all the damned time, Lafevre. And I don't need you to."
"Oh, yeah, how horrible of him to actually care for your well-being," I drawled sarcastically.
"I don't need him to care, I just need him to let me do my job!"
"He's watching your back because he wants you to be here to do your job, Potter," I retaliated, shooting him a look. "He just wants extra surveillance on his mission considering there have been numerous missions in the past that have been targeted. I'm not there just for you, thank you very much. I'm there to make sure everyone stays safe. Just like you are. Just like Fabian is."
He sighed, rubbing his temples timidly. "I'm getting really tired of everyone trying to live my life for me," he muttered.
I hesitated, thrown by the vulnerability exhibited in his words. "I'm not trying to live your life, Potter," I argued softly. "I'm just here to try and make sure you're able to live your life."
He didn't respond, meeting my gaze hesitantly before slowly whirling around in his chair to face the mounds of paperwork on his desk. He picked up his quill and returned to his work and I followed suit.
I had no idea what was running through James' head nor did I even attempt to figure it out. I could only imagine the emotions circulating in his heart and his head, flip-flopping between a mixture of frustration and anger and disappointment to an assortment of panicked and paranoid feelings. It couldn't be easy so constantly conflicted and I was just hoping one day he wouldn't completely blow up. I've seen what immense pressure could do to a guy and I prayed that James Potter never ended up like my father.
"Lily's leaving."
I glanced up at him, startled by the interruption. "What?"
"Lily's moving. To Philadelphia."
I neglected to tell him that Moody had already mentioned that. "How do you feel about that?" I deflected.
He slowly swung around on his chair to face me. He didn't say anything immediately but the grim frown told me he still hasn't been able to let her go. "I have no clue."
Something told me he actually meant it. "Do you want her to go?" I asked hesitantly.
He shot me a look. "No."
"So you want her to stay?"
He frowned. "No," he said in a small voice.
"Hm, looks like you're out of options," I said with a teasing smile.
He didn't even crack a smile. "I don't want her to go just because of me," he explained softly, chewing on the inside of his lip. "Her…her life is here. But mine? I'm not so sure I really have one anymore."
I couldn't be sure if he was referring to the life he lost when he lost Lily or the lack of life he had because it was consumed by Voldemort but I didn't say anything because I wasn't so sure of the answer.
++LILY++
I could tell from the concerned look on Nyger's face that he knew immediately something was wrong with me as I waltzed into his office.
"Lily? What's wrong?"
I struggled to keep the tears from collecting in my eyes as I asked, "Any chance Philadelphia could use me now?"
++SIRIUS++
I couldn't get Remus' words from the day before out of my head no matter how hard I tried. Was I really that determined to hold on to my past with Riley? I wanted to believe I wasn't but considering Riley had returned nearly six weeks earlier and I still haven't bothered seeking the answers I probably deserved made me wonder.
I needed to figure out what I wanted. I needed Riley to figure out what she wanted. Whether it was me or not me. Whether I needed her or whether I didn't. It was time to just figure it out all out.
Problem was, I had absolutely no idea where to even start.
I should have had Riley's door memorized by now considering how many times I had found myself standing outside of it. I could feel my heart beat rapidly as I tried to figure out what it is I possibly could say to make things any easier or better for myself and Riley. Except I had no idea what easy or better was. To figure that out I would have to determine what exactly was so complicated about something that should have been so simple. She left, I stayed. End of story.
I sighed. We all knew that wasn't even close to the end of the story. I just wasn't so sure what the end was supposed to be. Or what it should be. What it could be. What it might be.
"Sirius?"
A frightened cry escaped my mouth as I turned to my left. My entire body pretty much froze. "Rhett. Uh…hi," I said, praying to whatever God there was that it sounded casual. I had no idea if Riley told him about what had occurred between us but considering he hadn't immediately throttled me, that had to be a good sign.
"Were you planning on knocking on the door anytime soon?" he asked with a knowing smirk.
Oh, did I hate that smirk. "How long were you standing there?"
"Long enough."
I could only nod, a retort not on the tip of my tongue. Yes, how unlike me.
"What are you doing here?" he asked curiously.
Damned good question. "I…I'm not sure," I muttered, very much aware of how much of an idiot I probably sounded.
"I'm assuming you're here to speak to Riley?" he mentioned, slight bitterness emanating from his words.
Hell if I know. In all honesty, Rhett's first question was a good one. Had I planned on knocking? Or had I just wound up there because I couldn't manage to stay away? "Er…that was the plan," I lied.
"About anything in particular?"
Yes. "Oh, yes, seeing as we're best friends, I was just wondering if she wanted to go get a mani-pedi with me," I drawled sarcastically, resisting the urge to roll my eyes. "No, about nothing in particular. Seriously, I have no idea what I'm doing here. I'll just get out of your hair." I flashed him a guilty smile before slipping past him down the hallway.
"Hey, Sirius?"
Damn, and I thought I was home-free. I hesitated by the elevator and slowly turned around. "Yeah?"
A regretful frown appeared on his face as he met my gaze. "You might not believe this or even want to believe this, but she is sorry for what she did and how she did it. She's never forgiven herself for it so don't think for one second she isn't sorry for how things went down. You have to know that."
That was so not what I wanted to hear from Riley's fiancé. If I was a spiteful person (alright, if was more spiteful than I actually was), I would have retaliated with the fact that I had slept with his fiancée over the weekend. "I bet you're not sorry," I said instead, bitterness spewing from my words.
He blinked. "Excuse me?"
I shrugged. "I bet you're not sorry that she left because you got the girl in the end."
A brooding frown spread across his face as he crossed his arms defensively. "But did I really?" he said, his scrutinizing eyes meeting my guilty gaze.
That appeared to be the question of the century.
++RILEY++
I was surrounded by catering menus when I heard Rhett walk into my apartment. I stiffened. I had been good at avoiding him since I slept with Sirius, unable to tell Rhett anything until I knew how I felt about it. It was wrong. I knew that. Rhett deserved to hear the truth. He deserved to know what a coldhearted traitorous adulterer I was. And one day he would. I knew I would eventually tell him. But when I told him, I needed to tell him what it meant. And right now, I didn't know the answer to that.
"Hey," I greeted awkwardly. "Uh, just so you know, Gran is insistent on releasing white doves to fly over us at the end of the wedding ceremony so it would be much appreciated if you told her no seeing as you know she doesn't listen to a damned thing I say."
"I hear you and Sirius are going for a mani-pedi sometime soon."
I froze at Sirius' name and glanced up. "Er…excuse me?"
He shrugged coolly. "Are you guys friends or something?"
I froze hesitantly. "No," I urged. It wasn't a lie. We were not friends by any means. "Not even a little bit. Where is this coming from?"
"He was just standing outside your door."
I really hoped that the expression on my face remained casual even though I could feel my heart beating a mile a minute. What the hell was he doing at my door? Did he finally want to talk about what happened when the two of us had been ignoring it for so long? "And you scared him off?" I said with a curious smile.
He was clearly not amused. "Riley, what is going on between the two of you?"
This was the point where I was supposed to confess my sins and beg Rhett for forgiveness. This was the point I was supposed to admit that I had let my defenses down in a matter of seconds and ended up sleeping with my ex-boyfriend. This was the point I stopped being a , I said, "I…I don't really know, Rhett. I wish I had a better answer than that, but I don't. I…I tried to stay away from him. From all of my old friends. When we moved here, I didn't want to seek them out. They are leading lives that no longer include me and I-"
"How are you staying away from your friends when you're going to dinners with Lily, spending all hours of the night trying to make James feel better, going for drinks with Kay, and somehow Sirius keeps finding his way outside your door?"
Hm, he made a good point. A really good point. Maybe I hadn't sought any of them out when I first moved back here, but had I wanted to? "Alright, so I'm not trying very hard anymore," I admitted in a small voice. "But…maybe I don't know how to give up on them. They used to be a huge part of my life and while I know I don't deserve to be their friend after what I did, I selfishly want them back."
He glanced down at me hesitantly, his eyes noting the catering menus surrounding me. "Do you want it all back?"
"What?"
He slid into one of the empty chairs at the dining room, his eyes not straying from the table. I could tell it was because he was afraid to look me in the eye, the question he was about to elaborate on something he wasn't so sure he wanted an answer for. "Do you want what you had in Hogwarts now?" he asked softly.
I knew instantly what he was referencing and my heart broke for him. For me, too. I knew coming back to England hadn't been an easy choice for him. He couldn't stay away from his mother but I knew that he had hoped to eternally keep me away from my past. And living in a town where my entire past resided was not the best way to do so. We had ultimately moved back for him and his mother, but I had encouraged him to do so. I didn't once fight it. And maybe I told myself it was because I wanted to be there for him during his mother's decline, but who knew if part of my quick agreement to return to England was really a subconscious decision on my behalf, not his.
But in the end, I had no regrets. I did love Rhett. And I had always wanted to show him how much he meant to me. He had been there for me when I needed a friend. When I was at my lowest point, he lifted my spirits and put a smile on my face when I thought I'd never feel any form of happiness again. So no matter what I felt about Sirius or what I wanted or needed, in that moment it needed to be about Rhett.
I climbed off the sofa and made my way over to him, wrapping my arms around his neck. "Rhett, if I could only choose one thing from Hogwarts to keep, it would be you, Rhett, without a question," I whispered, pressing my forehead to his. Part of me believed the words I was saying. Part of me wasn't sure. And it killed me that even though I loved Rhett, Sirius was still in my head. What the hell was wrong with me?
I shook Sirius from my head as I continued. "You were my savior in Australia. You helped me move on from the poor decisions I've made in the past. You knew when to put a smile on my face and when to just be my crying shoulder. You were there when I was missing my family. My friends. My life. And at some point over time, the life I used to have no longer mattered. All that mattered was my life with you. Even now, you're all that matters to me, Rhett. If you want me to stop hanging out with my old friends, I would do it for you. I would do anything for you."
I could feel my heart thumping as I spoke these words. I realized then that I meant it. Whatever weak and vulnerable moment I shared with Sirius didn't have any impact on what I felt towards Rhett. I could still be in love with Rhett and still have lingering feelings towards Sirius.
"I wouldn't ask you to do that, Riley," he whispered, brushing a strand of hair from my face and kissing my forehead. "I just…I love you so much and I can't lose you. But my track record of losing you to Sirius speaks for itself. So just like I can't blame you for wanting your friends back, you can't blame me for being nervous that Sirius seems to be in the picture."
"He's not in the picture," I said, desperately trying to believe that myself. Needing to believe that. "He's not the one I'm going to dinners with or I'm trying to make feel better or I'm going out for drinks with. He's-"
"No, he's just the one standing outside your doorway."
I cringed. "Maybe he's standing outside mine but I'm not standing outside his."
Rhett sighed. "He's always going to be there until you give him a reason not to be, Riley," he said softly.
I was afraid he might say that. I didn't respond immediately, uncertain what there was even left to say. Rhett was right. Sirius and I were always going to have unresolved issues until one of us actually put in the effort to resolve it. I just wasn't so sure if it was going to be him or me to finally break down and do so. "I know" was all I could think of saying.
He frowned hesitantly, pulling away from me slowly. His eyes filled with regret and angst and he quickly turned away from my scrutinizing gaze. "Riley," he whispered and I had a feeling whatever he was about to say was something I wouldn't want to hear. His bottom lip trembled as he said, "I-I can't marry you until you figure this all out with him."
My body grew rigid. "What?" I said hoarsely and fearfully. "No, Rhett, please don't-"
"I'm not saying I want to break up because I don't," he quickly clarified. "I'm not going anywhere. I'll always be here until you tell me not to be. But until you and Sirius figure out what it is you had, what you have now, and even what you will have, I can't in good conscience marry you. I stepped aside back at Hogwarts because I knew you two had unfinished business. Well, I'm not stepping aside now because I love you too much and I know that you love me. But I also can't marry you right now. And I know that you have to understand where I'm coming from."
I did. I hated him for saying it aloud and I hated myself for knowing it was coming but mostly I just hated that I had let my lack of closure with Sirius go on for far too long. It was about time I figured out what it is I wanted.
Problem was, I had absolutely no idea where to start.
A/N: So let's break this down. We've got Lily and James, Sirius and Riley, and Remus and Jillian. Three Marauders all with the same problem. And how are they all dealing with it? Well, Lily is too afraid to face James and the possible truth. James is torn between figuring out what Lily wants and what he wants. Sirius doesn't know what to think or do or even feel and isn't sure he's ready to find out. Riley loves Rhett now but loved Sirius once upon a time and doesn't know who her heart will lie with in the future. It's difficult for Remus to watch his friends struggle to gain closure and he's finally admitted that the reason it's difficult is because he never got his own closure. So...what now? Who will triumph and who will prevail? Time will only tell...