Goodbyes On The Balcony

by ByeByeBirdie

3 years after Hogwarts, James and Lily are back with old and new friends by their side. Their lives are motivated by fear, their world surrounded by immense danger. As they each fight for their lives and for their loved ones in a world centered around Voldemort, the struggle to survive the war against him is nothing compared to the struggle to survive the wars within themselves.

42. Of Foosball Tables, Booty Calls, & Fires

A/N: Hi, bad person here who waited two whole months to update. But I swear the only reason I did that was because I've been traveling non-stop for work and the holidays and have only just recently had enough time to edit this chapter! I didn't like this chapter at all when I first read it after I posted chapter 41, so I decided to put it down and come back to it. And due to my travel schedule, I wasn't able to get back to it until this weekend. I have reworked a lot of this chapter so even though you have had a LONG wait to get it, I hope you enjoy it. We are officially winding down to the end of this story where all of the back and forth confusion and heartbreak and fear will eventually turn into resolutions and hope and yes, maybe even love.

Sooooo because it's been a while since I've updated, I thought it was only fair that I'd give you a reminder of what happened in the last few chapters so you know where everyone stands: 1) Sirius slept with Riley in the prior week and both were ignoring that it happened. He showed up at her doorstep but instead of talking to her, he ran into Rhett. 2) Rhett told Riley he couldn't marry her until she figured out what it was she was doing with Sirius. 3) Sirius recently moved into Potter Manor 4) Sirius told Keegan he slept with Riley 5) Sirius blew up at Lily when he found out she was hanging out with Riley - not necessarily because she was hanging out with Riley but because he feels like she isn't invested in their friendship 6) Lily admitted she still loved James and then the two of them slept together but haven't talked about it 7) Lily requested an earlier transfer to Philadelphia than the original three weeks timeline 8) Sirius has been acting very snappy with everyone and has been on James' case to talk to Lily

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling = not me

---

Goodbyes on the Balcony

By ByeByeBirdie

Chapter 42: Of Foosball Tables, Booty Calls, & Fires

---

++JAMES++

Remus and I were discussing the unfortunate headline in that day's paper about another Muggleborn attack in the south of England when Sirius came barreling into the kitchen. "Get up. We're going to Blarney's," he stated firmly before whirling around and heading right back out.

Remus and I glanced at each other, clearly recognizing the burden in Sirius' words. Remus eventually nodded. "Alright then." He climbed out of his chair and followed Sirius out the door.

I shrugged. I guess we were going to Blarney's.

---

++SIRIUS++

"Any particular reason for today's Blarney's trip, Padfoot?" Remus asked curiously, sipping his beer slowly as he glanced up at me. The three of us apparated to Peter's place and forced him out with us. He sat across from me now, looking rather unnerved over something I couldn't exactly pinpoint, though I wasn't trying hard considering I had my own set of problems.

I frowned into my drink, not answering the question immediately. I didn't even know if I wanted to discuss it, frustration surging through my veins at the very reminder. Eventually shrugged before saying, "I ran into Rhett tonight."

Eyebrows shot up from my friends. Remus glanced over at James and Peter who looked shocked. "Ah," Remus said for lack of anything better to say. "And…and how'd that go?"

I snorted. "Swimmingly. We're best friends now. We're going to hit up a strip club later and we're considering buying tickets to the upcoming Quidditch World Cup together," I said without so much as a thought. I shot him a look. "How do you think it went?"

"Don't you get a bunch of free tickets to the Quidditch World Cup? Why would you have to buy them?" James pondered.

Peter and Remus laughed while I looked less than amused.

"And I'm somewhat offended that you're choosing Rhett as your guest instead of one of us."

"I will throw my drink in your face, Prongs."

James grinned sheepishly. "Shutting up now."

"Honestly, Sirius, how'd that encounter go?" Remus continued to prod. "What did he say?"

"What did you say?" James questioned.

"Was anything said?" Peter asked.

"How did he look?" Remus dared to ask.

"What did you do when you saw him?" James continued the line of questioning.

"What did he do?" Peter spoke.

"Did you punch him?" Remus snickered.

"Did he punch you?" Peter inquired.

"Does he know that you slept with his fiancée?" James mused.

I glared at the three of them. "I'm not sporting a black eye, am I?" I scoffed. "No, he doesn't know. At least I'm pretty sure he doesn't know."

When he said nothing else, Remus rolled my eyes. "Are you going to tell us what happened or not?"

I frowned, staring down at my drink and clinking the ice around in it. "Nothing happened."

James shot me a look. "Then why'd you bring it up?"

He made a good point.

"And exactly where did you run into Rhett?" Remus asked curiously, his eyes narrowing.

I blinked hesitantly. "Er…would you believe me if I said on the street?"

"No," James, Peter, and Remus chorused together.

I frowned, letting out a wary sigh. "I ran into him outside Riley's apartment," I muttered.

Three blank stares before they erupted in groans. "You went back there?" James whined, shaking his head.

"What'd you go and do that for?" Peter sighed.

"Have you completely lost your mind?" Remus urged.

"Yes, don't know, and probably."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Sure, go ahead and joke about it. You're still an idiot."

Duh. "I'm aware."

"So pray tell, why did you go back to her apartment?" James asked curiously.

I hesitated, fingering the rim of my glass as I pondered the question. Why did I go over there? I thought I had wanted some answers. I thought I wanted to know what I wanted. What she wanted. But did I? Or was I so stuck on sliding by pretending as if I didn't care to find those answers? Whatever the reason was, it was making me more frustrated and more on edge by the second. "I-I don't know," I finally admitted. "But if you come up with an answer before I do, feel free to tell me."

Based on the looks of my friends, they had ideas, but I was grateful when they kept their mouths shut.

"Let's change the subject, shall we?" I suggested with a hopeful grin, ignoring the pounding in my chest. "Who's got news to share with the group that has absolutely nothing to do with any of our ex-girlfriends?"

Peter snickered while James and Remus rolled their eyes.

"No?" I said pleadingly. "Nothing? Nada? Zilch?"

Silence once again.

"Well, aren't we pathetic," I said with a sigh.

Amused nods followed before Peter raised his glass hesitantly. "Er…cheers to that?"

That earned him three glares from the rest of us.

"Well, if Padfoot refuses to discuss Riley, why don't we see what Prongs is going to do about the dear Lily-"

"Don't go there, Remus," James muttered, shooting him a look.

Remus rolled his eyes. "My friends are total cowards."

I didn't even bother arguing with that.

---

++LILY++

I could barely focus on the trade proposals on my desk, my conversation with Nyger running rampant through my mind. I didn't know what had possessed me to walk into his office and beg for a sooner transfer, but I did it anyway.

Well, that was a lie. I did know what possessed me. And his name was James Potter.

But I didn't know why I was so hell-bent on letting him get to me when for so many months it was clear I hadn't meant a goddamned thing to him. If I meant nothing to him than why was it so hard for me to not let him mean something to me?

I wished there was an off switch. I wished I could just stop loving a guy who so obviously didn't deserve it. I wished I could just stop thinking about him for a single minute. I wished that I could just find a way to live my life without him.

It was all of these wishes that had me request an earlier transfer to Philadelphia.

I didn't know if moving away was really going to be the answer, but it was pretty clear to me that staying wasn't. So what other option was there?

I was still trying to convince myself when there was a knock on the door. Glancing up, I stiffened slightly as Shane sauntered in.

"Hi," I greeted with a slightly awkward smile. While we've had basic interaction with each other at work, we had been pretty good at avoiding each other since we broke up.

"Hey," he said, leaning up against the doorframe. "So, uh…Nyger tells me you're leaving this weekend."

I froze, meeting his curious gaze. "Yeah," I murmured. "Sunday."

He nodded, chewing on the inside of his lip. "Why the change?"

I frowned, glancing up at him. "Shane…"

He let out a hesitant sigh. "I hope you find everything you're looking for, Lily."

I met his gaze and saw sincerity staring back at me. I couldn't help but hope that I found everything I was looking for, too. But I suppose I had to figure out what that even was before looking for it. "I'm going to miss you, y'know."

He smiled. "It won't be the same without you around here."

Not much was said between us but in a way, this is what we needed. A clean break. It was his way of forgiving me for dating him even though I was still in love with James. And it was my way of telling him that I truly had cared about him even if I hadn't always gone about it the right way.

"You'll keep in touch, right?" he asked with a hopeful smile.

I nodded. "Always."

He waved his good-byes and walked out, leaving me alone once again with nothing but my thoughts. I thought back to the kiss I had shared with Shane six weeks earlier when I thought all I had wanted was him. But in the end, all I had really wanted was a distraction. Shane gave me a reason to believe in myself again but the moment it ended was the moment I realized I was still so heartbroken and confused about where I belonged. James had unknowingly became my family. He had been one of the first people I trusted with all my secrets and my baggage and even my demons. And every time I shared another insecurity with him, I had expected him to realize I wasn't worth it and toss me aside. But he never did. No, he embraced everything I was and wanted to be and I had loved him so much for it. But he wasn't my family anymore. He had his family and his own insecurities and his own demons and for whatever reason, he didn't want to share any of it with me anymore. He could no longer embrace who I was because he couldn't even embrace who he was. I wasn't the only one trying to find myself. But I was the only one determined to put the past beside me. Considering James had knocked on my door the moment he found out I was leaving, it was clear he wasn't sure he was ready to let me go. Apparently falling out of love someone didn't automatically mean letting them go.

I was trying to figure out why James was so hot and cold with me when there was another knock on my door. "Did you forget someth—Maya," I said, originally thinking it was Shane back at my door and shocked that James' mother stood there instead. "Uh…hi."

She smiled. "Hi, Lily. It's been a while."

I cringed. Well, yeah, I was avoiding everything and anything that had to do with James. "I know," I spoke softly, "I'm sorry. I've been really busy."

Her eyebrow quirked upward. "Busy avoiding me?"

Damn, she knew me well. "No, I've just…" I trailed off with a sigh, not able to lie to mu surrogate mother for the past four years. "Well, frankly, it's been a hard couple of weeks for me."

"Is that why you're moving to Philadelphia?"

I was going to kill Sirius Black. "Maybe a little," I murmured with a guilty smile. "I should have told you."

"I get it," she admitted with her own smile. "I-I, uh…I know what it's like, Lily. To feel helpless and confused and to not know where you fit in anymore."

As I met her gaze, I didn't see the strength in her eyes that I had always been a witness to. No, instead I saw understanding and shame. "When Jonathan left, it took everything in me to keep my head held high and stay positive. It wasn't easy. And it took me a really long time to get to a point where I could forgive Jonathan. And it took me even longer to get to a point where I could forgive myself."

My heart ached at the blunt truth in those words.

"But I'm going to let you in on a little secret, Lily," she continued softly, "There was nothing you could have done to avoid this. Because whatever is going through my son's mind is nothing that you can or could have fixed. I know he loved you. Probably still does. But love isn't always enough when one person is determined to fight against it."

"I don't think he does love me anymore," I whispered, the words hitting me harder than I would have liked to admit. So much of me still loved him, but even though he was finding it impossible to let go of me, I had to believe that he wouldn't have told me he didn't love me if he hadn't really believed it. I was so stuck on those words he spoke to me on our Anniversary because if there was any alternative to why he said it, I had a very good feeling that it would destroy me. So I convinced myself that James didn't love me because it was better than believing he did love me and just said he didn't as a way of backing out of our relationship.

Maya frowned. "You didn't do anything to cause this."

I wished I could believe that but I had to have done something for him to fall out of love with me. "Maybe I did or maybe I didn't, but whatever happened between me and James, I'm just ready to put it behind me. And…well, I don't know if Philadelphia is the answer to doing that or not, but sticking around here hasn't been helping."

"I know," she responded almost immediately. "I know why you're leaving. I get it. I just came here to tell you that no matter where you go or the reasons behind it, I just hope you don't forget about the people who will always love and care about you. Maybe you need to do this alone, but if you find out that you don't, we'll always be here for you."

It was the first thing that anyone had said since I said I was leaving that actually made me feel like maybe I was doing the right thing and not just trying to convince myself of that.

I picked myself out of my chair and walked over to Maya to embrace her. I felt unexpected tears prickle in my eyes as I prayed that Maya meant it when she said she'd be there for me. She may have been James' mother, but for the past four years, she had been mine also.

There was nothing else to say to her but "Thank you."

We both knew I wasn't just referring to that evening.

---

++KEEGAN++

"Boys Night Out?"

The Marauders all glanced up as I ventured up to their table late that evening. Lily had come home and told me that her Moving Day was now Sunday instead of in three weeks. I had been shocked and confused, but it was clear she didn't really want to talk about it. She had hold herself up in her bedroom and I found myself needing fresh air. Naturally, I ended up at Blarney's.

"Hey," they all murmured, their greeting sounding far too subdued for the four of them.

"Jeez, you all look like you've been run down by a herd of giants," I snickered, slipping into an empty stool at the table.

"Feel it, too," Sirius muttered lethargically.

"Bad night?"

"Try bad life," Sirius mumbled.

I blinked, slightly thrown by the sheer dejectedness in his voice. I was used to broodiness from Sirius, but this seemed a tad extreme. "I have no idea how to respond to that."

Sirius shrugged, changing the subject. "So Rouge, how do you feel about once again losing your roommate?"

I frowned, neglecting to tell him that I would be losing her a lot sooner than any of us thought. "I'm thinking a foosball table in her room would look rather nice."

Sirius snorted. "You're replacing a human being with a foosball table?"

"Yeah, you gotta problem with that?"

"No, as long as I get to play with it."

"Hm, I'm thinking of making a 'No Sirius Allowed' sign to go over the door."

"Your life would be pure boredom without me."

"I think you meant to say pure bliss."

"No, I stick by boredom."

"I'd have my foosball table to keep me company and a foosball table doesn't talk back."

"What's the fun in that?"

"That's a lot more fun than dealing with your absurdity."

"You calling me absurd?"

"A little bit."

"Eh, I'll accept the insult. I am absurd."

"It's good to hear that you know your place."

"Well apparently it's not in that extra bedroom of yours."

"Nope, that's saved for my foosball table only."

The other guys' eyes darted back and forth between the two of us, curiosity glinting in their every expression.

"Alright, what's really gotten into you two?" Remus dared to ask.

Sirius and I glanced up at him. "You're going to need to be more specific," I snorted.

"Well, just last week Sirius was inviting you to a Quidditch match which was already beyond weird and now the two of you are acting…acting…hm…"

"Chummy?" James chimed in.

Remus shot him a look. "Who uses the word 'chummy?'"

"I do. And tell me the word didn't cross your mind."

Remus hesitated before turning back to myself and Sirius. "What's with the chummy interaction?"

I rolled my eyes. "Why does everyone seem to be making a big deal out of the fact that Sirius and I are friends?"

I received three blank stares.

"Yes, I used the word friend."

Remus, Peter, and James exchanged hesitant glances. "She can't be serious, right?" Peter spoke up.

"This has got to be a joke," James agreed.

"It's a bit early for April Fools Day," Remus mused.

"Pranks are more of Sirius' thing than Keegan's," Peter pointed out.

"He could have initiated it," James said with a shrug.

"And somehow was able to get Keegan in on it? They don't seem like two people who would be in cahoots," Remus argued.

"That's more likely than them being friends," Peter contested.

I rolled my eyes at the exchange, turning to face Sirius. "Do you have anything against me smashing their heads together like coconuts?"

He chuckled. "Smash away."

"Well, excuse us for being skeptical about a supposed friendship between you two," Remus snorted, shooting us both a look. "You go from enemies to having casual sex and suddenly it's over without so much as an explanation. So yeah, this idea of you being friends has us wary."

I glared at Sirius. "You told your friends about…well, you know?"

He grinned sheepishly. "I tell them everything."

"I'm going to have to remember that," I muttered. "Stop looking at me like that, Remus. We're friends. That's it."

Remus hesitated and I could tell whatever he was about to say was something I wouldn't want to hear. "The last time Sirius became friends with a girl he supposedly hated it turned out he was dating said girl," Remus said, earning a scathing glare from Sirius.

"I don't think you have to worry about that here," I said quickly before Sirius could gauge Remus' eyes out.

Remus still looked skeptical but eventually shrugged. "Well, I guess with everyone up and leaving, it will be nice to keep the peace amongst those of us staying back."

"Who else is up and leaving?" I asked curiously.

"Jamesie here is disappearing for a month," Sirius muttered.

My eyebrows knitted together. "For what?"

"The Auror recruit's training mission. He volunteered himself."

My head spun around to look at James incredulously. "Are you the biggest idiot on the planet?"

"That seems to be the consensus."

"Those missions are notorious for being attacked and last I remembered, you kinda already had a target on your back," I groaned, shaking my head in disbelief.

"Why does everyone keep focusing on that?"

"Kinda hard not to," I snorted. "Your brother died on that mission. Fabian's brother died on that mission. My fiancé died because of that mission. In the past six years, four of those missions have been targeted, two of which you were on. Even your father was attacked on one of those missions!"

"You'd think the Auror department would stop holding them," Peter said with a snicker.

I shrugged. "Apparently they consider them an essential training tool to-"

"Wait, what about my father?" James interrupted, confused.

My eyebrow rose. "What?"

"When was my father attacked?"

I frowned, recalling some of his crime reports that I had been sifting through. A lot of it was just dull protocol but I've actually come across some interesting information along the way. Nothing terribly substantial but I was beginning to find the Auror world rather fascinating. "Er…maybe seven years ago? He was running one of the missions when they were caught off-guard. He only had minor injuries but another Auror died."

Four surprised stares faced me.

"How do you…" James trailed off.

"I've been digging through your father's old crime reports, remember?"

James nodded. "I had no idea that my father…" he trailed off yet again. "Why didn't he tell me?"

"Based on everything that I've read, coming across Death Eaters wasn't uncommon for him. I'm sure he didn't want to worry you every time he was on the receiving end of a jinx or a curse if it wasn't life-threatening."

"It sounds like this was life-threatening."

The rest of us exchanged a worried glance, unsure what to even say. "He was protecting you, James. That's all."

He frowned, slowly finishing off the rest of his beer as the expression on his face grew pensive. "I really didn't know him at all, did I."

It wasn't a question and none of us even tried to turn it into one.

Before any of us could say anything, however, he slid off his bar stool and headed to the bar for another drink.

"I shouldn't have said anything," I muttered as my eyes fell on the back of James' head.

"He's going to have to get used to it," Sirius snorted cynically. "Considering you're writing a tell-all about his family."

I frowned, turning to face Remus. "It's times like this I wonder if you were right."

"About what?"

"You didn't want me to write this exposé. You were dead-set against it, not wanting James to get hurt. I had assumed you met physically hurt but I'm beginning to think you meant in all capacities, including his mental strength."

"He can handle it," Peter chimed in. "And he wants to. Doesn't make it easy for him, though."

"I'm pretty sure 'easy' flew out the window the moment his brother died four years ago," Sirius snorted, rolling his eyes.

Another cynical comment.

"I just wonder if I'm doing any good researching all of this or if I'm just making things worse."

"I need you to research this, Keegan," James spoke from behind me.

I jumped as he slid into his empty chair with his now-full beer.

"This is the stuff I want to hear about. I need to hear about. I-I can barely understand all that's happened to my family over the past few years but it's about time I figured it out. And right now, you're the best person to help me do that. I need clarity. And hell, so does the rest of the world."

"And what happens if things get worse for you when this all goes public?"

James didn't respond immediately, taking a painstakingly slow sip of beer. "What can get worse?" he eventually spoke. "My family and friends are already dropping like flies. That's never going to change whether this exposé gets written or not."

"They could drop a lot faster with this exposé," Sirius murmured. Cynical comment #3.

James frowned, gazing at Sirius curiously. "Maybe. Probably. Hell if I know. But I'm tired of just sitting back and watching all of this bullshit happen. My life has become one hell of a mess and I'm not going to just stand by as more tragedy strikes without some sort of fight. I want people to know who the Potters were. I want people to read about how protective my father was and how self-sacrificing Wyatt was. I want people to know that JT had the biggest heart and Brite was generous and considerate. I want people to know them more than just a handful of Voldemort's victims. There's…there's more to them than what people read in the obituaries."

I had been wondering if Remus was right when he thought the exposé was going to be a mistake, but I could tell that James really needed something good to happen. And maybe enlightening the world about the great family that the Potters really were was the way to put a real smile on his face considering nothing else seemed to do the trick.

"Well, when you put it that way," Remus said with a snicker, shrugging.

"Still seems like you're putting a slight death wish on yourself," Sirius muttered through gritted teeth.

I glanced at him curiously, sensing hostility in his voice.

James shot him a look. "I already have a death wish, Sirius," he shrugged.

"Well if that ain't the most depressing thing I've ever heard," I snickered.

He merely shrugged. "Alright, it's time to cheer up, don't you think?" James said, throwing a forced smile on to his face. "Who is up for tequila shots?"

Remus groaned. "We become bumbling idiots after drinking tequila."

"Then get ready to be a bumbling idiot," he teased, raising his arm into the air. "Melinda, we need a round of tequila shots over here!"

Melinda glanced up from her spot behind the bar with a raised eyebrow. "You guys become idiots when you drink tequila shots."

I couldn't help but laugh. "Man, she knows you well."

---

++PETER++

"Hello, Peter."

I yelped, whirling around at Bellatrix's voice. "You're showing up at my apartment now?" I whispered, as if there was anyone around that could hear me.

"How goes the not-so-happy couple?"

I frowned. "James and Lily?"

Bellatrix glared at me. "What other couple would I be fucking asking you about?" she sneered.

"They're...I-I don't know. Not so happy as you suggested."

"That's all the information you have on them?" she snapped, stepping out of the shadows and walking menacingly towards me. "'They're not so happy?' What kind of insider mole are you?"

"They...they broke up," I whispered, half squeaking. "Isn't...isn't there an actual couple that the Dark Lord would prefer to focus on?"

"Don't you dare question the Dark Lord's intentions!"

I cowered at her shouts, thinking back to the evening I had just shared with the Marauders. It seemed as if nowadays whenever the four of us got together, there was so much turmoil and burden hanging over our heads. It was almost depressing. I recalled the days that we would all get together and laughter led the entire conversation. Now when we hung out, it seemed as if anger and frustration and heartache was the sole overhang to every word coming out of our mouth. It wasn't fun anymore. "What...what do you want from me?"

"What do I always want from you?" she sneered, her eyes blazing with frustrating curiosity as she took a step closer to me. "Information."

"I-I don't have any-"

"Bullshit!" she snapped, pulling her wand and twirling it in her fingers. "Your fucked up friends are always doing something stupid and cowardly. So tell me, what have they done this time?"

Well, I was pretty sure that they wouldn't care about the fact that Sirius slept with Riley or that he was weirdly becoming friends with Keegan. I couldn't imagine why they would care about the fact that James slept with Lily on Saturday when it was obvious they weren't getting back together. So the only thing I could think of to say to get Bellatrix off my back was "L-Lily's moving."

Bellatrix' eyes narrowed. "What do you mean 'Lily's moving?'"

"She's...I...I mean, she's going to the States," I squeaked. "For a job."

Bellatrix stared at me before swearing. "Bloody hell! When is this happening?"

"Er...a couple of weeks?"

"BLOODY HELL!"

I jumped when a loud crack sounded and suddenly, Bellatrix was no longer standing in front of me. My heart was pounding as I attempted to catch my breath, feeling the hot tears prickle in my eyes. I didn't know why Bellatrix found a sense of angry urgency over the simple news of Lily leaving, but I had an ominous feeling that it didn't mean good news for Lily.

Bellatrix had mentioned that my friends were always doing something stupid and cowardly, but as I slipped into my apartment building late that night, I was very aware that the only stupid and cowardly one was me.

---

++SIRIUS++

I could tell that Keegan sensed I was in a rather contemptuous mood, but I couldn't get my interaction with Rhett out of my mind after the guys had asked about it. Actually, I couldn't get Riley out of my mind. So much was falling apart around me and part of me felt like it was easier to focus on my rollercoaster of a relationship with Riley than focus on the rest of my disastrous life and it was easier doing that when I didn't strive for answers. If I continued to be burdened by her return and the fallout of our relationship than I didn't have to be so concerned with all of the other burdens that rested in my heart – my feud with Lily, her leaving for Philadelphia in a few short weeks, James living his life in self-pity, him disappearing for a month, my not-so-pretty confrontation with Kay, and the list went on.

As I slid out onto my balcony with the last six-pack of beer, my mind was reeling with a jumble of all these thoughts rolled into one. It would be nice to pretend as if I was indestructible but we all knew firsthand that in fact, I wasn't. I could act like nothing ever hurts me and I was just accustomed to life handing me a crappy hand of cards, but lately I was beginning to realize that faking happiness was far more depressing than just admitting I was hurting. Somewhere in the past few years I had learned to block out all the pain. I learned to just feel nothing. But it wasn't nothing. It never was.

My life and the lives of my friends were deteriorating before my very eyes and it broke my heart knowing there was very little I could do about it. It was clear that so much of myself was filled with anger and frustration towards my friends because I had learned a long time ago that running and hiding from the pain didn't actually nullify it. It just multiplied it. And I really didn't want my friends to wake up one day feeling the way I did in that moment. So broken and lost and hurt. They deserved better. Hell, I deserved better. I just didn't know where to begin to figure out what that "better" could be.

"Hey there."

I was shocked to hear Keegan's voice in my doorway. I slowly turned around to face her. "What are you doing here?"

She shrugged. "You seemed pretty out of it tonight. Everything okay?"

I frowned, glancing back out towards the front gate. I brought the beer bottle up to my lips, sipping slowly. "Yeah," I lied.

She rolled her eyes, leaning up against the doorway and crossing her arms casually. "Want to tell me the truth now?"

I slowly shook my head. "Not really."

She frowned. "Is this about Riley?"

My lips tightened. "Keegan, please just…just leave it alone," I muttered, taking another sip of my nearly-empty beer.

"I could," she mused hesitantly. "But then you'd just continue to be Mr. Broody and frankly, I like the old you better."

My brow furrowed as I glanced up at her. "The old me?"

She nodded. "Yeah. Lately you've been acting so mopey and angry and upset. That's not the Sirius I know."

"Maybe you don't know me."

"Sirius," she spoke brusquely, shooting me a look. "Stop beating around the bush and just tell me what's going on."

"It's nothing!" I snapped, glaring at her. "Damn, Rouge, if I had known you were going to be a pushy bitch, I wouldn't have suggested we be friends."

The shock in her eyes was unmistakable. "Well, gee, I'm sorry for trying to help you," she snapped right back, letting out a scoff. "Considering all you're doing is running yourself into the ground, I thought I'd give you a possible way out. So sorry for caring!"

She pushed off the entrance and stormed into my room. I groaned, debating for a slight second whether to just let her go before sighing. "Wait, Rouge," I called out, jumping off the bench slightly.

She froze halfway through my bedroom, whirling around. "This is what I'm talking about, Black. You're snapping at people just for the purpose of snapping! What do you get out of pissing people off?"

I opened my mouth to retaliate but found that the words wouldn't come out. Instead an overwhelming rush of grief flooded my emotions and all I could think about was the fact that one of my best friends was leaving in a few short weeks and I was determined to act like I didn't care, the other was going MIA for a month or so for reasons I didn't agree with, that same friend was willing to let the love of his life go as an attempt to take some moral high ground, another friend was willing to forgive Riley just so she could keep her own relationship intact, I had absolutely no idea where I stood with the only girl I had ever loved, and all I really wanted to do in that moment was beg the girl standing in front of me, a girl I barely knew, to never leave because I don't think I could handle another person walking away from me. My life was becoming a soap opera and apparently I was more than willing to invite more drama into it.

"I-I just feel so helpless lately," I found myself saying hollowly, the words coming out in a choked whisper. The words I had been avoiding saying aloud for so long.

I could feel her staring at me but I refused to look up, my heart beating a mile a minute at the awkwardness of this conversation. "I know," she said softly.

I frowned, glancing up at her briefly before turning on my heel and reclaiming my spot on the bench. I wasn't sure if I wanted her to walk away or follow me, stiffening slightly when I heard Keegan's footsteps growing closer. Seconds later slid on to the bench beside me. She said nothing and I was grateful as I attempted to sort out the thoughts running through my mind.

"I just feel like…" I started, wondering what it is I was even trying to say. "Everyone is falling apart around me. They're all self-destructing, but…but that's not the way it's supposed to go."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm the one who is supposed to be falling apart!" I found myself crying out. "Not them! They are the strong ones. The indestructible, resilient ones. I'm the one who is an emotional wreck. I'm the one who's always been an emotional wreck. Me. Not them!"

Her eyebrows shot up in shock. "What? Sirius-"

"I'm the one whose parents gave up on him," I continued hastily, not letting her get in a word edgewise. "Whose family disowned him as a teenager. Who has Death Eater blood in him. I'm the one who went into Hogwarts wondering if I was ever going to make a friend because everyone was just going to judge me on my surname and on my history. I'm the one who adults cringe around because they think one day I'm going to venture back to the Dark Side. I'm the one who was actually sad about the fact that his Death Eater brother died. I'm the one who put his trust into a single girl who shattered it more than I ever thought possible. I'm the one who is unsure if I'll ever be able to trust anyone ever again. I'm the one who spent three months crying over a girl who I knew would never come back. I'm the one who runs from commitment because of one bad break-up. I'm the one who is still so angry and resentful and yet is choosing to apparently live in a past relationship that was over four years ago. I'm the one who stopped feeling anything a long time ago because it was a lot easier feeling nothing than feeling bad all the damned time. I'm the one who everyone has to cheer up and make feel better. I'm the one who everyone has to remind that his life is worth living. I'm the one. Not them. They've all had it together since the very first day I've met them and I've envied them all for it. So they can't fall apart. They just can't. Because I have no clue what it is I'm supposed to do to cheer them up and make them feel better. That was never my role! It was theirs," I whispered, the words sounding so hollow against the dead of the night. I continued, my words barely above a hoarse whisper, "I'm just the one who…who gets to fell apart. I'm not the one who knows what to do when everyone else falls apart."

There. Finally, the words I had been holding back for months.

The truth was now out. (To Keegan of all people.) The reason why I was so angry and confused and lost wasn't because of them but because of me. Because I didn't know what to say or do to build them up again when I had never been the one to build myself up again. They had always been there for me and the time that they needed me, I couldn't be there for them. Not because I didn't want to be but because I didn't know how. I didn't know how to motivate them the way they've motivated me in the past. I didn't know how to make them feel better. I didn't even know if it was possible. But they had always put a smile on my face when I thought for so long I'd never feel happiness again, so I had to believe it was something I could do for them. If only I knew how.

I could feel the unexpected tears prickling my eyes and I had to quickly blink them away. It took everything within me to continue staring out across the Potter estate, refusing to look Keegan in the eyes in fear of just completely breaking down.

She didn't say anything, glancing out towards the grounds. It felt oddly comfortable having her there and I was appreciative that she didn't try to say anything immediately. Whatever she wanted to say was probably something I wasn't ready to hear. And I was glad she recognized that.

Finally, she spoke. "Here's the thing, Sirius," she said softly, turning to look at me. "You don't need to know what to do when their worlds fall apart because right now, they don't want anyone's help. They don't expect you to cheer them up and they don't want you to. They don't want you to make them feel better. They don't want you tell them that their lives are worth living. Sometimes people need to fall apart and instead of relying on their friends to help them through it, they really just need to figure it all out on their own. They need to be the ones to build themselves back up. Not you."

My eyes clouded over with remorse. Did that mean that I was supposed to be the one to build myself back up? I wasn't sure that was possible. "I know," I admitted through a hoarse whisper. "But they were all there for me, both when I wanted them to be and when I didn't. I just want to be able to return the favor."

"And when they want you to return the favor, they'll come to you."

"I don't know about that," I muttered, thinking of the not so pleasant conversations I've recently shared with my friends.

She smiled. "I do."

I wanted to be convinced, but I knew in my heart that we were all drifting apart. And I couldn't be sure that we'd ever find our way back to each other. I let out a hefty sigh, shaking my head somberly. "Why is it that as wizards, we can turn wind into water and we can travel through fireplaces and why is it that we can build an entire mansion from a single panel of wood and we can hurt our enemies with a single flick of the wand but we don't have a spell or a charm to just make everything alright?" I spoke hoarsely.

I could feel her eminent frown beside me. "Because happiness has to be a choice," she whispered. "It can't just be taught."

I finally tore my gaze off the landscape long enough to glance curiously at Keegan, impressed by the prolific words. "Is that why you left France? To figure everything out on your own and to find some semblance of happiness? Did you not want anyone's help in moving on?"

She frowned, remorse settling into her eyes. "We're talking about you here, not me."

"We were talking about me. Now we're talking about you."

She quickly turned away. "I didn't have anyone to help me move on," she said softly. "They had all died."

"You didn't answer my first question."

She opened her mouth to retaliate but no sound came out. I could tell she wanted to get defensive but didn't have much to defend herself with. "Do I have an inkling of what James and Lily are feeling right now? Yeah, probably. The reason France ever felt like home was because Tristan made it feel that way. So how could I possibly have moved on and figured out who I was without getting out of there?"

I turned to face her. "Sounds an awful lot like you ran away."

She met my gaze. "I never said I didn't."

Our eyes locked and didn't stray, the burden of helplessness filling the quiet.

"Have you ever thought about it, Sirius?"

"Hm?"

"Have you ever considered just packing your bags, leaving, and never turning back?"

I'd be lying if I said I didn't. "Yeah," I said with a shrug. "All the time. I imagine it would be easier trying to start over. Somewhere with people who didn't know me or my surname or the life I've led. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to just reinvent myself. Move away and become a totally different person, one who isn't haunted by unfortunate events."

She glanced at me with a slight accusing flicker in her eyes.

"Only difference between me and the rest of you is that I never actually did it," I spoke bitterly.

She hesitated, her eyes fixed attentively on me. "Were you able to move on and figure yourself out by staying put?"

"Were you able to do so running away?"

Reluctance filled her gaze. I knew the answer was no but I also knew she wasn't about to admit that. She merely sighed. "Why do our conversations always wind up with us discussing Tristan or Riley?"

I shrugged. "Because it's what you and I have in common."

I could feel her stare on me again. "I hate that we have that in common."

I did, too, but I didn't bother responding as my thoughts weighed heavily with the soon-to-be departures of my best friends. I wouldn't have been surprised if Remus or Peter traipsed into my bedroom in the upcoming days to let me know they were going to travel the world or move to Antarctica to live with penguins or hide out in some rundown hostel in a third world country. Seems to me leaving was all anyone was good for. "What am I supposed to do without them?" I blurted out unexpectedly.

"Who are you talking about here? Lily? James?" she asked, hesitating before adding, "Riley?"

"I already figured out how to live my life without Riley," I scoffed.

"Did you?"

I shot her a look. "What is with you and your interrogative prodding? Yes, I was able to move on from my life with Riley. Just because she's back doesn't change that fact."

"And yet you slept with her last week."

I opened my mouth to argue but nothing came out. I sighed. "Alright, good point," I muttered.

She shrugged. "You're afraid to move on from the past. And unfortunately, James and Lily aren't."

I sighed. She just hit the nail on the head. Damn her for seeing right through me all the time. "I'm not afraid," I said softly. "I'm just…hesitant I guess. I've had some good years and some bad. I've had good moments and I've had bad ones. But they always come in spurts. Always. And I'm beginning to wonder if any of those good memories were worth all of the bad ones."

She didn't respond immediately but the sorrow in her expression pretty much told me that she was thinking about Tristan. "They are," she whispered, bringing her legs up on the bench and hugging them close. "It's the good memories that get you through the bad, Sirius. Never forget that."

I sensed genuine emotion in her words that a light chill ran comfortably down my spine. I met her gaze and was oddly struck by how hauntingly beautiful she looked in that moment. She appeared fragile, numb almost, and yet a hope-filled half-smile still lit up her face. I wanted to say something, anything, but my mind came up blank. She tore her gaze away from me before I could think of some semblance of a sentence.

As my eyes were drawn to the star-filled sky, I was suddenly hit with the realization that this was my life and there wasn't a whole lot I could do about it. Maybe it was about time everyone else figured that out. "I want to believe that," I said softly. "But mostly I just want my friends to believe that. Because maybe if they did they would realize that the good memories rest within our friendships."

I could feel her eyes on me but I kept my gaze stoic on the night sky. "They know," she whispered. "But they, like you, are afraid that the good will never be able to outweigh the bad. It's hard believing it when all the memories lately for them consist of bad ones."

My heart skipped a beat at her prolific words. She sounded so wise in such a simple statement. Albeit young, it was evident in her heavy words that she's had a tough life and had to grow up pretty fast because of it. I admired her for it. Especially since growing up was something I had never been entirely keen on. "I guess I can understand that," I said softly, knowing all about focusing on the bad memories. "But in all honesty, it seems to me that James and Lily are trying to change their destiny when it's suddenly pretty clear to me that our destinies were handed to us the moment we came into this life."

Her eyebrow arched curiously, urging me to continue.

I sighed, glancing back up at the vast sky once again praying that someday hope would be able to make it into my heart once again. "We can't change our fates no matter how hard we try to. It's like every tragedy that has struck us was predetermined. And the decisions we make from those tragedies won't change our futures no matter how much we'd like to believe they could. Because at some point down the line, another tragedy is going to strike whether we like it or not. It's the circle of life. We can't always be happy. We can't always be safe. We can't always know what's going to happen. We can't live in the past and we can't live in the future. Fleeting moments is all we really have anymore. And sometimes all we can really do is just try and appreciate the present moments, right?"

When I turned to gaze at Keegan, it was evident that curiosity blazed in her eyes. "Do you really believe that or are you just saying that?"

I hesitated. "I don't know. I-I used to believe it. But I'm not really sure what I believe anymore."

She said nothing as I turned away, though I could feel her gaze still resting on me. I jumped when her hand perched against my arm. "At the very least, believe in yourself," she spoke softly.

My eyes locked with hers and I recognized a brief flicker of vulnerability pass over her expression. She looked desperate as she spoke and I was suddenly hit with the realization that as much as she'd like to come off as wise and prolific, she was just as much broken and vulnerable as the rest of us. I didn't say anything, words suddenly lost on me as I was very aware of how close we were sitting. I ignored the beating of my heart as the gentle winter breeze whispered through the air, brushing her hair slightly out of her face. "And you?" I finally spoke, the words coarse against my tongue. "What do you believe in?"

I could practically hear her heart pounding to match the rhythm of my own as surprised yearning suddenly stared back at me. "Like you said, the present moments worth appreciating I suppose," she spoke softly, clearly trying to break eye contact with me to no avail. "Or at least I'll try to appreciate them."

I couldn't tear my eyes off of her even if I tried. "After all we have been through, all we're really left with is the ability to live in whatever moment we've been given," I spoke as a way of relieving some of the tension in the air. "Right?"

She bit down on her lip hesitantly, anxiety resting in her eyes, and I was about to put on a goofy smile and crack a joke so as to ignore the uneasiness that had spread between us but before I could, she was leaning over and pressing her lips hungrily to mine. I didn't waste a second and kissed her back, my hands reaching out to rest on the nape of her neck as our tongues danced in harmony.

"I'll take that as a yes," I whispered, my lips never straying from hers.

"Shut up and kiss me."

I happily obliged.

---

++KEEGAN++

So of course I did the one thing I told myself couldn't happen again with Sirius by hopping into bed with him. But there was something inside of me that couldn't help itself. He was saying all of the right things and he looked so confused and hurt and broken and it was all of the things that had always weighed heavily on my own heart and in that moment all I wanted to do was kiss him. I wanted him to know that I appreciated him, too, when it was clear he was so convinced no one did.

I glanced beside me at his sleeping body, a tug of a smile on my face. It's amazing to discover how peaceful and safe someone can look while sleeping when turmoil was all they felt during waking hours. It was oddly comforting to talk to someone who seemingly understood everything going on in my own head and my own heart. That's the guy I liked being around. The guy who helped me momentarily forget my past and attempt to merely live in the present. The guy who seemingly always managed to understand me when there were times I barely understood myself. He was a good friend. That's it. Just a friend.

A friend who I apparently liked to sleep with.

I wish I knew why I had really done it. I had made it pretty clear that casual sex with him was something that couldn't happen again when Riley had shown up and thrown Sirius into a spiral of confusion. I hadn't wanted to confuse him any more than he already was. But as it turned out, I was the confused one.

It's not like I fancy Sirius Black in any way. No, the reason I felt so drawn to him was because he reminded me so much of myself. Timid and frightened on the inside while faking strength and happiness on the outside. He and I had such similar pasts and it was easy talking to him about it, even when I had long thought I never wanted to dredge up the past. But there was one huge difference between the two of us. The guy who I had ultimately loved with every inch of my heart died four years ago. The girl Sirius loved was still very much alive and was standing right in front of him. He wasn't over her yet, or at least if he was he hadn't figured out that he was. And I didn't want to get involved in his situation in any way. He was trying to make sense of things and while I had attempted to guide him with the occasional deep and meaningful conversation, that's where it had to end between us.

I vowed to myself that this was going to be the last time I slept with Sirius.

I sighed. I hoped this time it would actually last.

Damn you, Sirius Black, for always managing to say the right thing that has me ignoring all logic and kissing you instead.

I was sliding on my jeans and frantically searching for my bra when I heard him stir. I cringed, hoping he would remain asleep. No such luck.

"Sneaking out, hm?" he muttered, peeking one eye open. "You'll have to do better than that to get one by me. I'm the Sneak Out King."

"I'm not sneaking out," I contested with a smile. "I'm just-"

"Oh yeah? Do you have some other plans I'm not aware of at four-thirty in the morning?" he teased. "On second thought, don't answer that. Any plans you have after four o'clock in the morning are not worth me knowing."

I chuckled, scooping up my bra and clasping it behind my back as I glanced around the room for my shirt. I was desperate to get out of there before either one of us touched upon what occurred between us. "Nope, no booty calls that you are unaware of, Mister Black."

He shrugged, propping himself up by his elbow. "So…" he said hesitantly.

Oh, shit.

"Do we have to talk about this?"

Dammit!

His eyebrow quirked. "You going to stand there looking like a deer in headlights or are you going to say something?"

"I was actually leaning towards the latter."

He chuckled. "This just a one-time thing?" he suggested.

I nodded. "Precisely."

He shrugged, falling back against his pillow with a yawn. "Cool."

I blinked dumbfoundedly. Wait, that's it? "Uh…okay then."

He glanced up at me with an amused smile. "Was there something else you wanted?"

I scowled at him. "Have you seen my sweater?"

He nodded towards the dresser where it hung haphazardly off the corner of it.

I grabbed it, tossing it over my head. "Okay," I muttered. "See you later?"

"Have fun with your booty call."

I turned around to glare at him but saw a smirk on his face and couldn't help but laugh. "I don't have a booty call!" I argued with a chuckle. "I'm just heading back home. Wouldn't want Lily to worry about me, y'know."

"I'm pretty sure that girl is fast asleep and couldn't care less about your whereabouts."

"Or packing," I muttered, reminded of the conversation I shared with her earlier where she had informed me that that three weeks I thought I had left with her were no longer.

Sirius' brow furrowed. "Packing? Why? She still has three weeks to do so."

I felt my spine stiffen at my stupidity and turned my back on him so as not to show him the guilt on my face. "You know how she likes to get a head start on things."

Silence followed but I heard the rustle of the sheets to know that Sirius was now sitting upright on the bed. "She is leaving in three weeks, right?"

I didn't respond, searching the room for my jeans.

"Keegan?"

I winced at the frustration in his voice and turned around to face him. He already looked heartbroken, the panic in his eyes unmistakable. "Not exactly," I said softly.

His lips thinned out, his expression blazing with dread. "When is she leaving?"

A guilty sigh escaped my lips. "You should ask her that."

"I'm asking you."

"Sirius-"

"When is she leaving, Keegan?"

I made the mistake of looking into his eyes. "Um…Sunday?"

His eyes bulged out in shock. "That's six days away!"

"Yes, I know my days of the week by now."

"Why the hell did she lie to us!?" he barked frantically. I wondered if he was really angry at Lily for leaving or angry at himself for giving her the silent treatment when she would be disappearing in just a few short days. I had a feeling it was mostly due to the latter.

"She didn't lie. Three weeks was the initial plan. Now I-I can't tell you exactly what happened or when it happened or why it happened but whatever it was had Lily requesting an earlier transfer."

The expression on his face teetered between disappointment and shock and hurt before finally resting on murderous. "I am going to kill James Potter," he snapped, rushing out of bed and heading towards the door.

"What? Sirius! It's almost five o'clock in the morning! And you're naked," I pointed out with a smirk.

He hesitated, turning around without the slightest bit of amusement on his face. "I will put clothes on and then I am going to kill James Potter."

He rushed to his bureau and yanked open the bottom door, searching for sweatpants.

"You can't kill your best friend," I sighed, shooting him a look. "Believe me, I considered it because I had a feeling this was on him, but should we really be surprised that Lily wants to head out sooner? It's not news that she can't be around him anymore."

Sirius hesitated, slowly throwing on a pair of sweatpants as he turned around to face me. "You want to know what it is that he did that caused Lily to snap?"

I wasn't so sure. "Do I?"

"He slept with her."

I froze. "What?"

"You heard me. Now I realize that being angry and frustrated with James over his lack of sexual self-control when dealing with an ex-girlfriend is a bit hypocritical coming from me – feel free to insert a knowing look here – but he doesn't get to tell a girl that he doesn't love her and then when she's at her most vulnerable, manage to weasel his way into her life once again unexpectedly!"

Hell, now I was angry at James Potter. "Alright, let's go kill him."

He grinned. "Glad you're seeing it my way."

I didn't have time to laugh as I buttoned my jeans and bolted to the door.

Sirius started banging on the door immediately. "JAMES POTTER, OPEN UP THIS INSTANT! WE HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU!"

Silence.

Sirius started pounding with both fists. "STOP TRYING TO SLEEP AND GET YOUR BUTT OUT OF BED!"

No response.

"STOP IGNORING ME, POTTER!"

"You're going to wake up Remus," I pointed out.

"Too late."

We whirled around, sheepish grins on our faces. "Good morning, Remus," I greeted.

The calculating look on Remus' face as he glanced back and forth between myself and Sirius suddenly made me very aware that it wasn't exactly normal for me to be standing beside Sirius (who was shirtless) in the middle of the Potter Manor hallway at four o'clock in the morning. "And what, pray tell, are you doing here, Keegan?"

I blushed, gesturing towards Sirius who continued to pound on James' door. "Killing James Potter apparently."

"Hm, that all?"

I shot him a look while Sirius continued to pound the door. "How is it you can still be so infuriatingly perceptive at four-thirty in the bloody morning?" I muttered.

He grinned. "It's one of my many talents," he teased. "I thought you guys were just friends?"

"We are," I muttered, my cheeks reddening.

"With benefits apparently?"

"Alright, we're done talking about us," I muttered.

He smirked. "Fine but only because I'm wondering why we are killing James."

Sirius stopped slamming his fist against the door, rubbing them as a frown appeared on his face. "Can you think of a reason not to?"

Remus couldn't help but chuckle. "Because he's our best friend?"

"Who is by association shipping our other friend off to Philadelphia on Sunday."

Remus froze. "Sunday? As in…this Sunday?"

"The one and only."

"I thought she wasn't leaving for three weeks."

"Apparently James changed her mind about that one."

"But she can't leave on Sunday! That's only six days away!"

"You two are really getting good with your counting down of the days of the week," I muttered.

That earned me two identical glares.

Remus strolled over and began pounding on James' door himself. "JAMES POTTER, WAKE UP AND GET THE HELL OUT HERE!"

I sighed. Clearly I had to be the logical one of this little trio even if I didn't want to be. I was afraid the moment Lily left was the moment my friendships with the rest of the group would fade. But this wasn't about me. It was about Lily. "Guys, she was planning on leaving anyway. In all honesty, can you really blame her for wanting to get out early?"

"We're not blaming her, we're blaming him," Sirius argued, jerking his thumb in the direction of James' door. He joined Remus in banging on the door. "Where the hell is he!?"

"Sirius, as you so eloquently pointed out early, sometimes you can't help what your libido wants and Lily wouldn't have slept with James if a part of her didn't want to at that moment."

"Talking from experience?" Remus teased.

I glared at him, ignoring the pink growing at the tip of my ears. "Don't make me hex you."

He only laughed.

"I'm just saying that Lily is as much to blame for this as James is. She's embarrassed with herself, she's feeling confused and lost and even more heartbroken, and more importantly, she probably hates herself for letting her guard down around a guy who doesn't deserve that."

"I'm really glad you are spending the break of dawn discussing the intimate details of my break-up."

We all whirled around to see James walking up the stairs. "Especially you, Keegan. So nice of you to stop in at four-thirty in the morning to discuss such an urgent matter."

I didn't say anything. What could I say?

"What you so conveniently neglected to mention was that I, too, am embarrassed for what happened. I, too, am confused and lost and heartbroken. I, too, hate myself for what I did. For what I have been doing to her. You think any of this is easy for me? Because it isn't. And yes, I realize that that I did this. I know I'm to blame and I'm going to have to live with that," he snapped, the agonized anger evident in the hatred displayed in his eyes. "It absolutely kills me knowing how much I have hurt her. But what really kills me is that the three of you have the audacity to stand there and act like you don't understand a goddamned thing that I'm going through. Because out of everyone in my life, it's you three that should be able to recognize the tell-tale signs of not being able to let go! Now do you mind scooting away from my door so that I may open it and then proceed to slam it in your faces?"

How is it possible that in one minute we were cursing the ground James Potter walked on and in the next minute, we were all feeling guilty?

"What were you doing out so late?" Remus asked curiously.

James blinked. "That's the question you choose to ask me right now?"

He shrugged. "Yeah, well…you're right about the rest of it. It's just a bit of a different situation for us, James, that we're trying to get used to considering the girl you're trying to let go of also happens to be our friend. A friend who we know is hurting and who we just want to be able to help. A friend who is leaving in six days. A friend who-"

"Six days!? I thought she was leaving in three weeks!"

Way to go, Remus.

"Er…"

"Bloody hell, that's why you're all standing outside my door, isn't it?" he asked, running his fingers through his hair haggardly. "You think she's leaving early because I…"

"She is leaving early because you slept with her," Sirius pointed out, not ashamed to say the words aloud. "You messed with her head for far more than she could take."

James didn't say anything but I could see the burden weighing heavily in his eyes. "What…what am I supposed to say to that?"

The three of us exchanged a look. "How about you're sorry?" Sirius suggested.

James glanced up at him. "I-I am sorry," he whispered achingly. "But the person who deserves to hear that isn't here."

"Then go after her."

James frowned, though the hesitant look in his eye made he me wonder if he was actually considering it.

"What a surprise," Sirius muttered. "You've gone silent once again instead of speaking up and admitting you screwed up. Seems to be your M.O. lately." With a mere shrug, he whirled around and headed back to his own room.

James stared after him as Sirius shut his door, locking him behind it. "He is really not my biggest fan right now, is he," he muttered.

"Are you even your biggest fan right now?" Remus snorted.

James sighed, shaking his head. "No. Especially not after tonight."

I had no clue what he meant by that.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Remus read my mind.

James cringed, reaching for his door handle. "Nothing. Look, it's a Monday night and I have to be at work in three hour-"

"No, you meant something by it," Remus argued, narrowing his head. "Where were you tonight?"

"Nowhere," he urged, trying to open his door but Remus stepped in front of him.

"What are you hiding?"

"The fact that I want to smack you right now."

"Nah, you're not hiding that. The glare on your face pretty much tells me that."

James looked less than amused though I couldn't help but snicker.

Remus chuckled sheepishly. "Blarney's closes at two o'clock so you can't tell me you've been there for the past two and half hours."

"Weren't you with James at Blarney's?" I pointed out.

"No, he was still there when I left," Remus clarified. "So do tell, Prongsie, where have you been since then?"

"Plotting ways to murder you without being sent to Azkaban."

"That doesn't explain the 'where' part," I chimed in.

James glared at me. "You want to inform me what the hell you're doing here?" he smirked, nodding towards Sirius' bedroom.

I hesitated. "I retract my comment."

"Yeah, you do that. And last I checked, weren't you dating that prick, Victor Hans?"

I scowled at the implication, crossing my arms defensively. "He is not a prick and yes, we're dating. Non-exclusively."

"I'm pretty sure you have called him a prick on numerous occasions."

"I'm beginning to think I've found someone else to call that instead," I drawled with a teasing grin.

James chuckled. "I retract my statement."

"I thought as much."

He offered me an amused smile before turning back to Remus who was still blocking the door. "If I fall asleep at my desk tomorrow, I will be blaming you."

"If you fall asleep at your desk tomorrow, you'll have no one to blame but yourself for strolling in here at nearly five in the morning."

"Have you always been this aggravating?"

Remus' eyes narrowed. "You hooked up with a girl, didn't you."

I froze at the realization as James frowned, crease lines forming on his forehead. "Er…no?"

"A guy then?"

"MOONY!"

Remus laughed, shrugging. "Alright, spill. Who was the lucky lady?"

"No one."

"Liar."

"Once again, you're exhibiting many signs of aggravation."

"It's what I do best. Now stop avoiding the question."

"Oh, believe me, I plan to avoid that question with every fiber of my being."

"Then feel free to find another bedroom to sleep in."

James shrugged. "Alright, it's not like I don't have an entire wing of bedrooms to choose from," he said with a smirk, heading back down the hallway towards the other wing of the house.

"Impedimenta!"

James froze at the end of the hallway, twisting his body around to glare at him. "You really need to stop immobilizing your friends, Moony."

"This is a frequent occurrence for you?" I chuckled at Remus.

He shrugged. "I find it's faster immobilizing them to get an answer out of them than pestering them for hours where inevitably they'll tell me anyway."

"Hm, I'll have to remember that."

"Could you kindly unfreeze me, Moony?" James scoffed.

"Not until you tell me whatever it is you're hiding," he said cheekily.

"Why are you so interested in my sex life?" he whined.

"Aha! So there was a girl!"

James glared at him. "Have I mentioned how aggravating you are?"

"Thrice now."

"Alright, just making sure."

I frowned hesitantly at the conversation surrounding me. I just found out that James slept with Lily recently and now he was basically admitting he slept with another girl that night. He really was screwed up. "Y'know," I said slowly and curiously, glancing between Remus and James. "The fact that James is actively avoiding the question makes me think it's someone we know."

Remus' eyes lit up as James' focused his glare on me. "I think it's time for you to leave."

I smirked. "Nah, I'm fine where I am."

"Please, oh please, tell me it wasn't Lily again," Remus whined.

"NO!" James was quick to argue. "I'm pretty sure I learned my lesson there."

Remus and I both shot him a look.

"Alright, probably not, but it wasn't her!"

"So let me get this straight," Remus murmured with an irritated sigh. "You slept with the girl you're madly in love with on Saturday and then turned around two days later and hooked up with some random chick?"

James scowled as I groaned. "Random chick?" I groaned. "Did you really just say that?"

Remus grinned. "Remember that I'm the nice one, 'kay?"

"A total lie right now," James snorted.

"Oh, we aren't done with you," Remus snapped, glaring at him. "Who the hell are you randomly hooking up with to get your mind off of Lily and do you really think it's going to work?"

"This wasn't about Lily!"

"Oh, speaking of lies," I snickered.

He scowled at me. "Seriously, shouldn't you be leaving?"

"Probably, but I'm extremely curious about the answer to Remus' question, so alas, I'm staying put."

James frowned. "I already feel guilty enough without you two harping on it," he muttered.

"You wouldn't feel guilty if you weren't sleeping around," Remus snorted.

James glared at him. "Why yes, thank you for that very observant insight," he snapped. "Are you done insulting me or do-"

"Not even close."

James scowled. "What the hell is your problem?"

"You can't just avoid what happened between you and Lily on Saturday by trying to distract yourself with random sex!"

"I'm not the one who's trying to avoid it! Maybe you should be talking to her about this!" James cried, his voice filling with anguish.

Remus frowned and I did, too. "Guess we've figured out why she's leaving earlier than originally planned," he muttered.

I couldn't help but agree.

Glancing over at James, I saw his face fall at the reminder. "She's really leaving in six days?" he croaked out.

I didn't even have the heart to nod.

"You going to try and stop her?" Remus asked curiously.

James frowned, his whole body sagging as I watched the wheels turning in his head. "I-I don't know," he whispered honestly. "How can I try and stop her when we're both so completely messed up right now? And I know most of that is my fault, but…we can't manage to have a single conversation with each other without either screaming at each other and sleeping with each other. So maybe her answer of moving to Philadelphia is far better than mine of sleeping with Melinda. Can I really blame her for-"

"Melinda?" I interrupted in shock.

"Melinda the bartender!?" Remus cried out.

Why was I not surprised when Sirius' door thrust open? "You hooked up with hot bartender Melinda!?" he exclaimed, his mouth dropping open in surprise.

"Oops," James muttered, shaking his head in disbelief. "Aren't you annoyed with me, Padfoot?"

"I can be annoyed with you and still want all the dirty details from your sexual encounter with one of the most enigmatic girls I know. Not to mention incredibly hot."

I shot Sirius a look, suddenly reminded why I had no desire to date him. "You are a pig."

"Noted," he agreed, turning back to face James. "Please tell me you had sex with her on the bar countertop. Ooh, no, the storage closet. The freezer! Back alley?"

"Seriously. Such a pig," I muttered.

"The freezer?" James groaned. "Really?"

Sirius shrugged. "Hey, I'm not judging."

James rolled his eyes, trying to lift his feet from the floor with no success. "I am so not talking about this with you so if one of you could pretty please unfreeze me, I would greatly appreciate it."

"You should be good at unfreezing by now," Sirius muttered with a grin. "Hah, get it?"

"I did not have sex with Melinda in the freezer, Sirius! Unfreeze me without the puns please!"

Sirius laughed and shrugged. "You got to give us some details before expecting us to help you."

"I really need to find new friends," James muttered.

"Was she going commando? She seems like the type to go commando," Sirius mused.

"Sirius!" he whined.

"Does she have any tattoos in intimate places? Any body piercings? Is she a screamer?"

"SIRIUS!"

"These are perfectly legitimate questions, Prongs!"

"I am going to legitimately rearrange your face if you don't quit bugging me."

"That's a hard sell considering you're still stuck to the floor."

James glared at him, continuing to struggle against the floor. "Remus, be a pal and hex Sirius for me."

"Er…I would, but I'm kinda curious for the Melinda details as well."

"When I become unfrozen the two of you are dead men. Keegan, help me out here?"

Sirius and Remus shot me warning looks. "Uh…I have no clue whose side I'm on here so I'm going to stay neutral and just head out."

"Keegan!" James groaned. "I am never speaking to you again if you don't unfreeze me right now!"

"I'm writing your tell-all, Potter."

He hesitated. "I will only speak to you regarding the exposé if you don't unfreeze me right now!"

I chuckled. "Sorry, you're on your own, mate. I've got a bed to get to."

"Sirius' bed wasn't enough for you?" James shot back with a smirk.

I glared at him, trying to ignore the heat rising to my cheeks as I slid past James and towards the stairwell. "You're mean when you've been hexed."

"Yes, I am. Feel free to remember that for the future."

"Duly noted."

As I headed down the stairs I heard Sirius continue to pester James about Melinda while Remus ignored James' pleas to unfreeze him and I couldn't help but smile. The Marauders were nothing short of entertaining. Even at five o'clock in the morning.

My smile quickly faded when I thought of my friend and roommate back at home heartbroken over James who just managed to sleep with some other girl when he was clearly in love with my same friend and roommate. I knew James only did it as a distraction from Lily. But I couldn't help and wonder what exactly it was he felt he needed a distraction from. I knew in my heart that James was still head over heels in love with my friend.

So why was he so hell-bent on convincing himself he wasn't?

---

++JAMES++

I was somehow able to slip away without giving up much of the details of my encounter with Melinda to my friends. In all honesty, I hadn't a clue how I ended up at her place but I do know that a lot of drinks were involved as well as my guilty, vulnerable conscience.

I was spiraling out of control a bit. Okay, a lot. One minute I felt compelled to stay far away from Lily and the next, I wanted to see her and hold her and tell her I loved her and missed her. It was seriously messing with my head. My mind was reeling with frustration and anger and confusion and I literally had no clue how to stop myself from exploding with guilt and pain. Every inch of my heart burst with anger at myself for acting like a guy I had never wanted to be. I was so scared of the future, but what was worse was that I was really just scared of the present. I had screwed up so much over the past few months and I didn't know what I could possibly do to fix any of it. So all I wanted to do was just pretend, if even for a while little, that everything was fine and there was nothing to fix. I just wanted to believe that I wasn't the total jackass I knew I was deep within my heart.

Trying to avoid thinking about Lily was part of the reason I had been so enticed by Melinda. We ended up spending a good amount of time at the bar just talking about our childhoods. The conversation made me smile. I can't remember the last time a conversation made me smile. It felt good to forget all that was transpiring around me and just remember what it felt to enjoy a genuine smile. Melinda gave me that. Not Lily or my friends or my coworkers. A woman I had only ever really known because she served me drinks. And yet, she was the one who reminded me that not everything had to be so complicated and anxiety-ridden. I didn't have to be looking over my shoulder every five seconds. I didn't have to let the worry consume me. I could enjoy a tequila shot and I could reminisce on my childhood without the remorse and the guilt seeping in.

It wasn't until I was trudging home later that I found the guilt eating me up again. How could I sleep with Lily one day, the girl I was madly in love with, and the next day turn around and sleep with some other random girl as some backwards way of trying to forget about Lily?

I knew it was my way of trying to forget about the lack of stability I had in the world. As if being given the chance to control my actions with Melinda could change the fact that I had no control over anything else. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I just needed that moment. Everything and everyone else was letting me down, including myself. I needed a win and somehow I let myself believe sleeping with Melinda was that win.

But as I sauntered back into Potter Manor, before being bombarded with my friends, I was very much aware that I hadn't won a damned thing. All I had was a life of loss. And I didn't know where to start to get any of it back.

Or even if I wanted any of it back.

But I really needed to figure it out before Lily left for good.

---

++RILEY++

I couldn't fall asleep that night no matter how hard I tried. I found myself staring at Rhett but thinking about Sirius. The love I have or had with both of them was so wildly different.

Sirius was spontaneous. He made my heart flutter with all of the unexpected journeys we took together.

Rhett was dependable. I would always be able to count on him without a shadow of a doubt.

Sirius was fun. He knew how to make me laugh and he knew how to make me want to never top.

Rhett was affectionate. He made me feel like the most special girl in the entire world just by looking at me.

Sirius was independent. He understood the importance of being an individual, even in a couple.

Rhett was pure. He had a heart of gold and loved with every inch of it.

They both had qualities that had me falling in love with them. One of them I was perhaps too young to truly understand what it meant to love at the time. The other made me realize that if I just gave myself the opportunity to open my heart, love wasn't as difficult as I feared it to be. The only problem with that was that I didn't know who my heart belonged to anymore. Or who it should belong to.

I had fallen in love with Rhett. He had helped me move on from a past I was so afraid of letting go of. He gave me a reason to believe in the future. To believe in myself. To believe in the power of love. He had given me hope and for that I would be forever grateful to him. And I knew that that made me a horrible excuse of a human being for so many reasons. For cheating on him. For cheating on him with the one person Rhett had always felt he competed against. For cheating on him with the one person Rhett had always felt he competed against and not telling Rhett.

I had also fallen in love with Sirius. He was my first love. He was the one who showed me what it meant to be loved and it helped me realize I loved him back. I could tell you I had gotten over it in Australia but the moment I ran into him at Corner Joe's I knew that our story wasn't over yet. There was no epilogue. No conclusion. We still very much had unfinished business. What that business was, I still didn't know. I did know there was one thing standing in our way that could write our epilogue.

Sirius had to ask me why I left. It was the one question he had yet to ask but that still had to be answered.

But frankly, that wasn't the only question that needed to be answered.

Rhett or Sirius?

That was my question.

---

++SIRIUS++

My encounter with Keegan had me thinking about Riley yet again. Everything she had said was right. I was afraid of moving on while everyone else wasn't. It was easy being in limbo with Riley. It was easy questioning our past relationship and questioning what we were now and what we could be. What wasn't easy was being willing to find the answers to said questions.

Was I still in love with Riley?

That was my question.

One minute, I hated her for leaving the way she did. And I hated her for coming back. And I hated her for not telling any of us she was back. And the next minute, I found myself being dragged to her apartment despite what my head was telling me. I found myself sleeping with her. And I found myself seeking her out in the middle of the night for no apparent reason.

I literally had no answers. None.

And what's worse is I wasn't even sure I wanted them. Because if I did, I would have asked them to Riley a long time ago. But it was easier ignoring the unknown when it was clear she was ignoring it, too. I knew I wasn't the only one feeling this way, and I had to imagine it was probably ten times harder for her considering she was the one engaged to another man, but it hit me that I couldn't just wait for her to make the decision for me. I couldn't wait around for her to choose me over Rhett. She wasn't the only one lost in her own painful confusion of nostalgic memories. I was, too. I had to make a decision, too. I had to decide if I even wanted to be with her and if that was even an option.

Four years earlier, I had fallen in love with a girl who changed my world. And four years later, I needed to figure out if I liked my world the way it was as it stood or if I wanted her to change it again.

Was I still in love with Riley?

Or was there another girl entirely who I wanted to be the one to change my world?

What if that other girl already had?

---

++REMUS++

My friends were literally driving me bonkers. I was seconds away from actually throttling them both with my bare hands and going out and finding new friends. Friends who didn't invite drama into every inch of their lives. Friends who didn't sleep around instead of actually figuring out their own bloody feelings!

Have I mentioned yet that they're driving me bonkers?

Well, if James and Sirius weren't man enough to deal with their problems, I was going to do it for them. Or at least attempt to. It was either that or sit back and watch as the two of them completely self-destruct into mere shells of human-beings. And I cared about them too much (for reasons unbeknownst to me at that moment) to watch them turn into robots.

So that's why I ended up sneaking out of Potter Manor early the next morning and apparating to Lily and Keegan's apartment building. It was probably really stupid of me to seek them both out, and I had a pretty good feeling I was going to get reamed out by my two best friends, but apparently I had a death wish that morning.

Turns out, I wasn't the only one with a death wish.

Bewilderment flooded my conscience when I apparated outside their building and was met with a crowd full of people congregating on the sidewalk. I recognized a few of the people as tenants of the building, though I had never gotten to know them beyond a nod here and there from the lobby. Some people were hugging, others were rushing around clearing in search of someone, and a couple of them just looked frantic and confused.

Walking up to a couple I had exchanged pleasantries in the past when I lived in the building, I asked, "What's going on?"

The woman jumped and shrieked, turning to look at me. "Damn, don't sneak up on me at a time like this!"

I cringed. "Er…sorry," I said guiltily. "But, uh…dare I ask, what do you mean by 'time like this?'"

Her boyfriend (or fiancé or husband…I couldn't be sure what he was) reached for her hand as he spoke, "A fire broke out in the building."

I frowned. A fire in a wizarding building? That was certainly unusual.

"Fiendfyre," he whispered as if he was reading my mind.

The hairs on the back of my neck stood up. "So…by broke out, you meant…"

He frowned, nodding slowly. "This was no accident."

My eyes grew with horror at the implication.

He didn't have to say what he did next, but it confirmed my own suspicions. "Someone intentionally started it."

My heart raced as my gaze fell on to the building frantically. I froze for all of a second before breaking away from the couple and running towards the entrance.

"Sir? Sir, you can't go in there!"

I ignored the warnings behind me, brushing past a few wizards I recognized as Aurors, and took the stairwell by twos until I reached the third floor. I burst into the corridor and nearly fell over my feet as I was met with a swarm of Aurors and Hit Wizards rushing about, yelling orders at one another. I was about to ask one of them to tell me what was going on when I suddenly froze at the scene in front of me, my eyes widening in horror.

Where the front door of Lily and Keegan's apartment once stood was a mere hole in the wall and behind it lay nothing but a pile of rubble and charcoal.

And Lily and Keegan were nowhere to be found.

---

A/N: Cliffhanger...oops? Well, there was a LOT of information in this chapter - we've got Lily moving in six days, we've got Sirius and Keegan not able to stay away from one another, we finally have the reason behind Sirius' recent snippy attitude, we have James spiraling into someone he doesn't like, we have Peter once again showing his cowardly tendencies, we have Remus who just wants to fix everything, we have both Riley and Sirius realizing that it's time to stop playing games with each other, and then we have yet another attack on Lily's life. But this is literally the bottom of the barrel for all of them and they can only go up from here.

So I suppose you'll just have to wait for the next chapter to find out the answer to the age-old question we have all been asking ourselves for forty-two chapters: WHO WILL SIRIUS CHOOSE?