Goodbyes On The Balcony

by ByeByeBirdie

3 years after Hogwarts, James and Lily are back with old and new friends by their side. Their lives are motivated by fear, their world surrounded by immense danger. As they each fight for their lives and for their loved ones in a world centered around Voldemort, the struggle to survive the war against him is nothing compared to the struggle to survive the wars within themselves.

46. Of Cowards, Thank You cards, & Daughters

A/N: Chapter 46 is finally here! I'd find something interesting to say here, but frankly you don't care about it and I'm too tired to think of something witty. Sooo without further ado, the next chapter.

Disclaimer: I love J.K. Rowling and seeing as I'm not a narcissist, J.K. Rowling isn't me.

---

Goodbyes on the Balcony

Chapter 46: Of Cowards, Thank You cards, & Daughters

By ByeByeBirdie

---

++JAMES++

"What do you think happened with Keegan at work today?" I asked the Marauders that evening at Blarney's.

"I hope she punched Victor," Sirius muttered irritably. "That guy is a real tool."

"Somehow I don't see her punching the guy," Remus chimed in. "But I can see her hexing him into a coma."

"You all really should have followed her. That would make this speculation far more fascinating," Peter drawled, sipping his beer with the roll of the eyes.

"It wouldn't really be called speculation if we had actually been there when things got ugly," Remus pointed out.

"Must you always be so logical?" I whined.

"Someone has to be," he teased.

"Can we get back to visualizing Keegan bouncing Victor's head around like a quaffle and shoving it out the window?" Sirius suggested.

We all turned to him. "You really hate this Victor guy, don't you?" I asked curiously.

"Uh, don't you?"

"Not nearly as much as you apparently do."

He glared at me skeptically. "What are you getting at?"

I met Remus' gaze and I knew he was thinking exactly what I was thinking. "Are you ever going to tell us what was going on between you and Keegan this morning?" I dared to ask Sirius.

He blinked. "Excuse me?"

"I have never heard her like that," I explained with a shrug. "She felt so disappointed and betrayed by-"

"Yeah, because we had just accused her of selling us out," Sirius snorted. "Wouldn't you be upset if your friends wrongly accused-"

"Yes, but whatever you two are it certainly isn't friends," Remus sighed, shooting him a look.

I could see the frustration building on my best mate's face. "You don't know what you're talking about," he snapped. "What, just because I don't have a whole lot of friends who are girls, suddenly I can't have one now?"

"No, just because you don't have a whole lot of friends who you casually slept with for a month, then asked out, then started hating each other again, and then decided to be friends."

Sirius scowled. "I'm officially never telling you guys anything if you're going to make it into a bigger deal than it is."

I glanced down at my half-empty beer curiously. "I think it is a bigger deal than you'd like to admit."

He frowned. "If you're trying to make a point, Prongs, then make it," he said dryly.

I weighed my options hesitantly as I stalled by sipping my beer. I peeked towards Remus who looked on edge as well and I had a strong suspicion that he knew what I was about to say. I shrugged, glancing over at Sirius to say, "I think you like her."

Sirius had no reaction. "I don't," he drawled.

I rolled my eyes. "At this point, I think you're just trying to convince yourself of that."

He gripped his beer tightly, a glare eminent in his eyes. "Can't you just let it the fuck go?" he snapped. "If I say I don't like her, then I don't like her. Why do you guys always need something to overanalyze? I finally said my good-byes to Riley, but apparently that's not good enough for you now?"

"Yeah, because you ended up at Keegan's apartment that very same night!" Remus said with a smirk.

"Oh, will you quit harping on that?" Sirius scoffed. "That meant nothing."

"And we're right back to you attempting to convince yourself that there's nothing going on between you and Keeg-"

"Because there is nothing going on!" he whined, fingering the label on his near-empty beer.

I sighed. It was obvious to me he was holding something back but I had a pretty good feeling none of us were going to be able to get through to Sirius. But I tried anyway. "Sirius," I said softly. "Riley can't be your crutch anymore."

Sirius blinked. "Dare I ask what the hell you mean by that?"

"You used her as your excuse for flitting around from girl to girl aimlessly all these years but now that you've made your peace with her, you don't have to-"

"Bloody hell, don't the two of you ever shut up?" Sirius snarled. "I like flitting around from girl to girl! And if that's good enough for me why can't it be good enough for you?"

I met the gazes of Remus and Peter who looked skeptical. "Is it really good enough for you, Sirius?" Remus asked softly.

Sirius slammed his drink on to the table, glaring at all of us. "Yes," he snapped. "I'm Sirius Black. I have one-night-stands and then walk away in the middle of the night never to return. That is who I am. That is all I know. And that's all I care to know. Riley was…she's in my past. Did I love her? Yes. But I'm not that teenager anymore. I've grown out of the puppy love stage. I've grown up. I know who I am now. And this is who I am whether you like it or not."

He was lying to himself. He wanted to know something more but he was too afraid of admitting it. After what happened the last time he was in a serious relationship, I didn't blame him. Just because he had finally made peace with Riley didn't mean he was about to suddenly jump headfirst into another relationship with a girl. It took him four years to get over what had happened with Riley. I was pretty damned sure he didn't want to have to go through anything like that ever again. And for good reason.

"I don't think it's about whether we like it or not," Remus sighed. "It's about what you want."

"No, clearly it's about what you think I should want," he snapped, finishing off his beer.

"You're just getting mad at me because you know I'm right about Keegan," Remus snorted unapologetically. "You went ahead and did the impossible by falling for her and now you're throwing around a bunch of blanket statements and clichés about how you're the guy who sleeps around and that's it. But that's not it. You're not that guy anymore. Maybe you were at one point. Hell, maybe you tried reverting back to that guy over the past few years. But you don't have to be that guy just because you think it's who you should be. Stop trying to be your sixteen-year-old self and just be you!"

Based on the vehemence in Sirius' eyes, I had a feeling he was about seconds away from throttling Remus. "This is me," he spoke coolly. "And Riley and Keegan have nothing to do with that. I can own who I am even if you can't."

"Padfoot-"

"And I would strongly suggest changing the goddamned subject unless you fancy that beer spilled all over that shirt of yours."

Silence fell over the table before Remus interrupted it. "I spoke to Jillian today."

Well that certainly got my attention. "What?" Peter cried out.

"We've been sitting here for nearly an hour and you're only just telling us this!" I groaned.

"Uh…how'd that go?" Sirius questioned.

"Did you sleep with her?" I teased.

Remus glared at me. "No because unlike the two of you I actually have willpower."

"Ah, she shot you down then?" Sirius said with an amused smirk.

Remus fixed his glare on Sirius. "I just told you guys that I spoke to Jillian today and you are fixed on making jokes?"

"Er…not me. I'd just like answers," Peter chimed in.

"And that's why you're my favorite."

"Hey!" I cried out.

"What? Not true!" Sirius pouted.

"You love me best," I argued.

"You love me bestest!"

"That's not a word," I drawled.

"You're just jealous because Moony likes me bestest."

I rolled my eyes, turning back to Remus. "Alright, lay it on us. How did she look? What did you say? What did she say? Did you hex her like she rightfully deserved? You know – all the usual questions."

"It's sad that we have usual questions," Remus drawled with a sigh.

"Are you going to answer them or not?"

He frowned, his lips pursing pensively. "It was…fine," he eventually said.

When he didn't elaborate, we all rolled our eye in unison. "Gee, please don't go overboard with the details."

Remus shrugged. "I needed it," he explained. "I didn't really realize that I did until I saw you two idiots waver back and forth with your ex-girlfriends with no clear desire for any sort of resolution, but-"

"Hey!"

"-but there's not really much more to say on the subject. We went our separate ways and I doubt we will ever see each other again."

"I have had a resolution with Riley!" Sirius scowled.

"Yeah, two months after you ran into her," Remus snorted.

I couldn't help but laugh.

"Oh, what the hell are you laughing at? Your attempt at a resolution had you sleeping with Lily."

I glared at him while Sirius and Peter burst into laughter.

"And now you're avoiding her like the coward you are."

"I'm thinking Padfoot had the right idea when he wanted to chuck your beer all over your shirt," I drawled.

Remus grinned, shrugging dismissively.

"Well, I guess it's your turn to prove you're not a coward," Peter piped up, glancing over at my curiously.

"What?"

The three of them exchanged look which had me thinking they had recently talked about his subject. "Talk to Lily," Remus sighed. "You know you need to."

I pouted. "But I don't wanna," I whined.

"She's leaving, mate," Sirius sighed. "You really want her to leave without knowing the truth?"

I said nothing, but it was clear they hadn't expected me to as they dove into a conversation about how the Holywood Harpies unexpectedly swept the three-game series.

I tuned them out, knowing that my friends were right no matter how much I wanted to act as if they weren't. My mouth grew dry just at the idea of having to tell her the truth of the past few months. I knew deep down in my heart she deserved to hear it. I couldn't let her just leave without knowing why she was leaving. I tried pretending for so long that I had done the right thing. And a part of me would always believe that. But it wasn't up to me to decide if it was the right choice anymore. It was up to Lily. She was either going to hate me for eternity or she was going to perhaps understand my sentiment. Either way, it was going to be a turning point and I wasn't entirely prepared for what was to come. But whether or not I was prepared, I had to tell her now. I couldn't wait any longer. Because I knew if she left, there was a good chance I might never see or talk to her again if she could help it.

And that wasn't a chance I was willing to risk.

---

++SIRIUS++

I tried acting as if Remus' words hadn't bothered me. He didn't know what was running through my mind and I didn't appreciate him trying to act like he did. Though to be fair, I didn't have a clue what was running through my mind either. It was supposed to be completely clear after finally putting Riley in my past, but it was more muddled than ever. I felt so free and unrestricted from Riley, but that didn't make me feel any more free or unrestricted in the other aspects of my life, including the subject of Keegan.

I couldn't help but wonder what I had been thinking by knocking on her door the night before. It wasn't a smart move. Especially since I had had nothing planned. A part of me was grateful that Victor ended up being there because it gave me a way out. That's all I've ever been good at – taking the easy way out. Why deal with adversity when you don't have to? All it gets you is heartbreak and turmoil and I've had enough of that to last me a lifetime. I didn't need any more.

Right?

"I'm not sure you guys are aware of this but there are other bars in the area."

I froze at the sound of Keegan's voice behind me. My grip tightened around my beer as I actively avoided meeting her gaze. She was the last person I wanted to see at that moment.

"Pretty sure you could be telling yourself the same, Rouge," I drawled, ignoring my rapidly beating heart.

Her eyes strolled over to gaze at me and I could see bitterness staring back, probably due to that morning's argument. "I was just leaving," she drawled coolly.

My heart was screaming out to stop her. To apologize for that morning. To tell her I valued our friendship. I wanted to rewind and show up at her apartment without the accusations. I wanted to say all of the right things to get her to forgive me. But I also heard Remus' stupid words running through my mind causing me to activate a forcefield around my heart. And because of that reason alone, I simply said, "Alright then."

A flicker of surprise shined in her eyes but it was gone instantly as she took a step back and headed towards the exit.

"Wait, hold up, Keegan," James cried out, shooting me a look. "How did it go at the Daily Prophet?"

"How do you think it went, Potter?" she snorted.

Damn, she was back to being the surly, defensive girl she had been back when we had first met. I hesitated, realizing that I was back to being my surly, defensive self when I had first met her. I thought letting go of Riley was supposed to give me the ability to move forward, not revert back to some guy I used to be.

Then again, all I had ever known was a guy who had loved Riley Gilmore so what other options were there for me? What was my next move?

"Er…not well?" James suggested, clearly not aware of my own inner turmoil.

"I lost my boyfriend and I quit my job. On top of that my friends all believed that I would completely throw them under the bus for additional professional prestige. So yeah, 'not well' pretty much sums up my day," she retorted, the anger unmistakable in her eyes.

"You quit your job?" he focused on.

She frowned and I could tell in her eyes that she was slightly put off by the fact that that was the only thing he commented on.

Damnit, when did I go from the guy who never understood Keegan Rouge to understanding every single movement by her?

"Yes, James," she snapped. "I quit my job. I'm not about to sell myself short for a group of people who were so willing to do it for me. Enjoy your drinks."

"Keegan, stop," Remus pleaded. "Please don't be mad at us. We overreacted this morning. We were upset and angry and clearly on edge. We were being rash. And therefore irrational. If we had stopped to actually process what had happened of course we wouldn't have stupidly accused you of-"

"You shouldn't have had to process it, Remus," she interrupted, her voice so icy and full of disappointment. "You should have just known."

Silence filled the table. She was a lot angrier than any of us originally thought and I had to wonder if it wasn't all directed at us. Actually, I knew it wasn't directed at us because I could read her like a children's book. My heart tightened at that thought. I didn't want to be able to read her like a children's book. I didn't want any reason to believe she and I were more than friends who had merely bonded over tragedy. I wanted to ignore the heavy feeling in my heart and listen to my head that was screaming at me to run the other way.

So reverting back to my surly, defensive self I said, "Rouge, let's be real here. Most of this anger and resentment could probably be dually directed to a certain ex-boyfriend, ex-boss, and ex-place of work as well, don't you think? Maybe you should go find them to berate, hm?"

When she met my gaze, I could see that the rage in her eyes had been quickly replaced with hurt shock. She didn't respond immediately and I had to lower my gaze so as not to show any form of guilt. Because while I may have said those words, they weren't the words I had really wanted to say. I wanted to apologize. I wanted to show genuine remorse because she deserved better than the people we had been that morning. But that wasn't me. That wasn't the guy I had become.

When she spoke, her voice was filled with burden. "They weren't my friends. I expected more from all of you. Silly me, huh? I guess I've learned my lesson."

"Yeah, you were probably better off not making friends with us to begin with. Didn't that always use to be your MO?" I drawled.

She glared at me, the disappointment flickering in her blue eyes. "Clearly I should have stuck with that," she growled.

"Well, if you hate us that much, Rouge, then why the hell did you bother stopping by our table?" The words were out of my mouth before I could even stop them.

Open mouth, insert foot.

Betrayal settled into her expression. "That is a damned good question, Black," she snapped and before any of us could say another thing, she was storming off.

My three friends tried calling out after her, but she was well out the door.

Remus turned to me and I expected a scolding. What I got was a smack to the back of my head. "Ow!" I cried out.

"What the hell is the matter with you!?" he snapped.

I slumped down in my chair. "That's a pretty long list."

He glared at me and I could see out of the corner of my eye that James and Peter were, too. "If you honestly think that you can avoid your feelings for her by pushing her away and going back to the jerk you were to her when you two first met, you really are the idiot that everyone thinks of you," Remus spoke coolly. "Have you learned nothing from your past relationship with Riley?"

I froze. Remus Lupin always did know how to hit the nail on the head. Damn him. "And what in God's name does Riley have to do with this?" I scowled.

"Oh, right, like it's any coincidence that the moment you finally let your relationship with Riley go you are suddenly throwing up defensive walls with a girl you've seemingly grown close to in the past few months," James muttered, rolling his eyes at me.

"Oh, c'mon, I have not grown close with her," I snapped. "Stop insinuating there's anything going on between me and Rouge, y'got it?"

"Oh, look, more defensive walls," Remus sneered.

"What is your deal, Lupin?" I barked, glaring at him. "You have been jumping down my throat all evening and frankly, it's getting on my goddamned nerves. What, you think because you had one bloody conversation with the girl who left you at the altar that you can rationally advise me on my relationships or lack thereof? Leave me out of your own inner turmoil, would ya?"

The table went silent and I had a pretty good feeling that I had just taken it too far. But I was really sick and tired of everyone judging me. My head was filled with a jumble of contradicting emotions enough as it is without my friends trying to interject their biased opinions.

"Sirius, name me one time this week where you haven't completely jumped down all of our throats," James chimed in, his accusing eyes bearing a hole through me.

He had a good point. "You're exaggerating," I muttered. A lie.

James' fist clenched as he slammed his beer bottle down on the table. "I can't figure out if you're actually mad at us for caring for your well-being or if you're just mad at Lily and me for leaving or if you're mad at Riley for choosing now to put the past in the past or if you're mad at Keegan for unknown reasons or if you're just plain mad at the world, but could you possibly figure it out so you can direct your anger at the people that actually deserve it? Because I gotta tell you, you screaming at us isn't going to make you any less angry at whoever you're actually angry at."

"I'm not angry," I snapped, a blatant lie.

"Says the guy snapping my head off."

"You know what makes me mad, James?" I retaliated. "That nothing ever seems to go the way that any of us plan. That the world is clearly out to get all of us and there is nothing we can do about it. That the people I truly care about think it's easier disappearing then dealing with the harsh reality of this fucked-up world. A fucked-up world I stuck through even in my worst of times. You don't know shit about living in a fucked-up world, mate, until you've walked in my shoes. And I'm mad that you and Lily think that your life has gone to shit after one goddamned bump in the road. I'm mad that I've wasted four years thinking about a girl who as it turns out I had stopped being in love with the moment she left and yet I still fucking spent the last four years wasting time on her. I'm mad that I could ever love a girl who could hurt me that much. That now I haven't a goddamned clue what a real relationship could even feel like. I'm mad that Lily betrayed me even though I shouldn't be mad about that anymore. I'm mad that Keegan's mad at me. Fuck, I'm mad that I'm actually mad about that! I'm mad that I am so damned mad at everyone when in hindsight I'm just so bloody furious with myself for ever caring enough to be this goddamned mad." I slammed my drink down on the table and glared at the shocked glances on my friends' faces, swiftly climbing out of my chair. "I should have learned years ago that not caring was the only way to ever live your life. You can't ever be disappointed or hurt when you just don't care. Fuck, I wish I just didn't care about any of you!"

"Not caring is an empty way to live your life, Sirius," James spoke before I could even attempt to storm out.

I snorted. "Pot, meet kettle."

James frowned, shrugging. "Fair enough."

"No, not fair enough!" Remus groaned, shaking his head. "You guys do not have to try so bloody hard not to care. That is what is making the both of you so on edge lately. It's what is making you so angry, Padfoot and it's what is making you so broody and pathetic, Prongs."

I didn't respond because he was right about me. And glancing up at James I could see he knew Remus was right about him. We were both just trying to act as if we didn't care as a backwards way of trying to give our hearts a break for once. Not a day went by where our heads weren't conflicting with our hearts and our emotions. And it was truly maddening. I knew how I wanted to feel but I had long learned that I rarely got what I wanted. So why should today be any different? Who cares if a part of me felt something for Keegan Rouge. It wouldn't turn out in my favor because it never did. I was better off just not getting involved with any of it. I was better off not having to deal with yet another heartbreak.

So all I wanted more than anything was to just not care. About anyone or anything. Because that way when someone went terribly wrong it wouldn't hurt so damned much. And lately, everything was going terribly wrong.

"Whatever," I eventually said.

Remus rolled his eyes. "Gee, thanks for those very sage words of wisdom."

I shot him a look, grabbing my beer and finishing it off before heading towards the door.

"Hey, where are you going?"

I said nothing. I just walked out.

---

++JAMES++

I watched as my friend stormed out of the bar, still somehow in self-destruct mode. I knew what was going on even if Sirius didn't want to admit it. I knew that a part of him probably developed feelings for Keegan a while ago, but because Riley came back and sparked confusion into his heart, he let himself focus on that so as not to focus on whatever he wanted with Keegan. But he said his good-byes to Riley so he was now forced to focus on Keegan. And now that he was forced to focus on her, his mind was going crazy with his usual fear of commitment. Sighing, I glanced over at the two other Marauders. "I had hoped he'd be in better spirits after finally gaining closure from Riley."

Remus frowned. "I thought the same before my conversation with Jillian," he muttered. "But things don't change overnight. They take time. A lot of time. One conversation isn't going to suddenly change the thoughts running through your mind for months, hell years in the case of Padfoot."

I glanced over at him curiously. "But he did change overnight," I pointed out. "One day he's sleeping with Keegan and the next day, he's pushing her away."

Remus hesitated, fingering the label on his beer. "He probably thinks that's better than trying to work out what he feels about Keegan, so he's using the fact that she's not exactly pleased with us as an excuse to keep himself at arm's length," he muttered.

"He's an idiot if he thinks that's going to work."

Both Remus and Peter smirked. "He's Padfoot. Of course he's an idiot," Peter teased.

I shrugged, finishing off my beer with a sigh. It was so clear that Sirius was choosing to be angry instead of facing his true feelings, but frankly, I didn't blame him. Sometimes it was easier being mad at everyone than admit fault in yourself. "He'll figure it-oh, shit," I muttered, my grip tightening around my beer. "Er...how about we finish these beers up and go to another bar?"

Both Remus and Peter looked at me like I was crazy. "There are other bars?" Peter gasped in mock surprise.

I shot him a look. "Yes."

"Don't give us that look," Remus snickered. "It's a legitimate question considering we pretty much live in this one."

"Exactly, so it's probably time to change things up," I whispered hastily, draining the rest of my beer as I climbed off my bar stool. "C'mon, hurry it up!"

"What the hell is your-" Remus cried, but stopped when Peter smacked him on the shoulder and pointed to something over his head. Turning his head, Remus groaned and whirled his head around to glare at me. "You are such a coward, Prongs!"

"Yep, and I will happily admit that if it gets you to finish your beers faster," I hissed, glaring at the both of them.

"Nope," Remus said, shaking his head.

"Not gonna happen," Peter agreed.

"I prefer nursing my beer."

"Chugging isn't my thing."

"I would do it for you!" I whined.

"The difference is, we wouldn't be pathetically hiding from our ex-girlfriends," Remus snorted.

Glancing over Remus' shoulder, I watched as Lily and Shane settled into a table in the corner. "What the hell is she doing with Shane anyway?" I muttered. "I thought they broke up."

"Yes, but unlike you, he knows how to be a man and not hide from her."

"He probably has less reason to hide from her," I pointed out.

"That, and he's not a coward."

"I'm not a coward!"

"You are trying to run us out of this bar before she sees us!" Peter groaned. "Of course you're a cow-"

"Alright, fine I'm a coward. Can we please go now?" I hissed, glaring at the both of them and heading towards the door without bothering to even wait for them. I stole a final glance at the redhead before shoving open the door and spilling out on to the sidewalk with a relieved sigh.

As I headed down the street, I heard Remus' voice call out after me, "You are seriously pathetic!"

I whirled around with a shrug. "Eh, I'm okay with that. You want to go to another bar?"

Remus rolled his eyes. "No, I plan to go back inside and finish my beer with Peter. How about you just go home and drown your cowardice in a six-pack?"

"That sounds like an excellent plan."

Remus scowled, but I merely shot him a sheepish grin before apparating to Potter Manor.

It came as no surprise when I found Sirius sitting in the kitchen with a beer in his hand. He froze as I wandered in. "Er...hi."

I simply nodded at him as I reached into the refrigerator for a beer. Hesitating, I settled into the chair opposite Sirius.

"Sorry for snapping earlier."

I shrugged. "No, you're not."

He frowned. "You're right, I'm not."

"It's fine. I get it. We've all been on edge lately," I admitted with a shrug.

Sirius glanced over at me curiously. "Just fifteen minutes ago, you were berating me for snapping at you and now you're just letting it go?"

Sighing, I sipped my beer and turned to him. "Lily walked into the bar after you left."

Sirius' eyebrow shot up. "I could only assume that since you are sitting here talking to me instead of staying at the bar, you ran out the door as fast as you could?"

"There may be a James-sized hole in the bar door."

Sirius snickered, shaking his head. "Coward."

I scowled. "You sound like Moony and Wormtail."

He could only laugh, shaking his head. "Do you deny it?"

I frowned. "Making a beeline for the door sounded like a better option than figuring out how the hell to tell her I've been lying to her for three months."

"You can't plan it, Prongs," he sighed. "You just got to do it."

I frowned. I knew he was right but I hated that he was right. "Okay."

Sirius blinked, stopping his beer bottle midway to his mouth. "Er...really?"

Sighing, I climbed out of the seat with a shrug. "But she's clearly busy tonight. It will have to be another time. Perhaps a year from now?" Waving, I quickly fled the kitchen.

"COWARD!"

That time, I couldn't help but agree.

---

++REMUS++

When Peter and I went our separate ways, I should have headed back to Potter Manor. I could have confronted Sirius for being a wuss or I could have confronted James for being a coward, but it was someone else I felt that my confrontation would be better targeted.

As I stood outside Keegan's apartment, I wondered if this was going to be a good idea or the worst idea I had ever come up with. Instead of bothering to think it over, I knocked.

She answered after only a few knocks, clearly surprised to see me standing there. "Remus," she said, blinking curiously. "Look, I know I'm probably overreacting, but I'm allowed to be mad at you guys for-"

"I'm not here about that," I interrupted, frowning. "You and I both know how sorry we are. We don't need to harp on that."

She, too, frowned. "Then what are you doing here?"

"I'm here because of Sirius."

She sighed. "I really don't want to talk about-"

"I know you don't, but I really need you to. Because right now, Sirius is a completely lost soul who needs help figuring out the best version of him that he can be."

"I'm not sure what that has to do with me."

"Yes, you do," I argued, shooting her a look. "Because you're just like him. You know what it's like to feel lost and helpless. You know what it's like to feel like you don't have somewhere you belong. You two were made for each other and frankly, you need each other."

"We do not-"

"Yes, you do," I urged, glaring at her stubbornness. "Sirius hasn't spoken about Riley to any of us, his friends that had been there through it all, since she had left. He avoided the subject altogether and glared at any of us if we were to even hint at her. And yet out of nowhere, he starts spilling his insecurities and most intimate secrets with you."

"And so what if-"

"And you," I cut her off, refusing to let her try and defend something that I knew she shouldn't be able to. "You ran away from France to hide from the pain of your past. You have had boyfriends come and go and had never once mentioned the unfortunate murder of your ex-fiancé. Not once. Until you tell a guy you seemingly despise. He's the only person you have ever been able to connect with in regards to your past. Don't you get that that means something?"

Her bottom lip trembled, her eyes filling with trepidation. She opened her mouth to speak but nothing came out. I knew she agreed with me as much as she wouldn't like to admit it. She stared up at me helplessly, wishing she could form an argument. Wishing what I had said wasn't true. But she said nothing, knowing it was.

Letting out a soft sigh, she whispered, "I can't help him, Remus. He deserves someone who knows how to help him and that's not me."

I shrugged. "You don't need to know how. You've always been able to help him even if you weren't trying to."

I tried to let that be the last words I spoke as I turned around to head down the hallway but she called out after me, the desperation in her voice. "Remus."

I hesitated at the end of the hallway, slowly turning around to face her. "Yeah?"

"You and James and Peter are his best friends," she said softly. "If you guys can't help him what makes you so sure I can?"

My brow furrowed skeptically as I considered my answer. It was a rather good point, but not good enough. "Because you're the only girl besides Riley who's ever been able to weasel her way into his heart. Unexpected, yes, but it happened. He hadn't intended for it to happen nor did he particularly want it to at the time, but it did. And now that it's actually over between him and Riley, you're all he has left. Help him, Keegan. I know that you can."

Hesitant curiosity filled her gaze as I suspected it might. "Over between him and Riley?" she asked. "What do you mean by that?"

A knowing smirk spread across my face. "It means he talked to her yesterday," I explained with a curt shrug. "And after he talked to her, guess whose door he decided to knock on?"

Without another word, I turned and walked away.

---

++KEEGAN++

I had planned to stay away. Far, far away. Nothing good could come with having a conversation with Sirius. In fact, I was pretty sure Sirius knew that. He was pushing me away in every way possible and I was letting him. I had known that something had changed within him in just the past 24 hours but I hadn't known what until Remus hinted at the possibility of Sirius finally ending it with Riley. What 'it' was I couldn't be sure but the hope in Remus' voice told me enough. And my curiosity got the better of me. He had held on to Riley for four years. Has he really found a way to let her go?

"Hey."

He was digging through the refrigerator when I walked into the kitchen. He froze, glancing atop the refrigerator door. "What are you doing here?"

Damned good question. "Well," I said, clearing my throat. "I'm not really sure."

He frowned, reaching for a beer. "What, here to berate me some more, Rouge?"

I hesitated. "I could be saying the same to you," I deflected.

He blinked, glancing down at the beer in his hand. "Yes," he muttered, holding a beer out towards me. "I suppose you could."

He was still avoiding eye contact with me as I took the beer from his hand. "So," I said, clearing my throat, "You going to tell me what's going on with you?"

He opened both of our beers and tossed the caps into the trash. "I haven't a clue what you're referring to," he spoke coolly, taking a swig of beer as he leaned up against the countertop.

"I think you do."

He rolled his eyes, saying nothing.

Taking a sip of beer, I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. I could see the rigidity in his jawline and the hesitation in his eyes. He looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there talking to me, but I pressed on. "Why are you so mad at me?"

He shook his head. "I'm not mad."

"You could have fooled me."

"Sounds like that's your problem, not mine."

I frowned. "This isn't you."

Glancing at his reflection in the microwave, he shrugged. "Funny, it certainly looks like me."

Oh, he was getting on my last nerve. Why the hell did I listen to Remus? "This sulking, condescending version of you was the guy I used to know. The guy I used to butt heads with. The guy who flirted with any skirt who crossed his path as a way of hiding the fact that he actually had a heart. The guy I used to hate. So, do you really want to continue being a snarky git or do you want to tell me what's going on with you?"

He slowly met my gaze, sipping his beer as contemplation flickered in his eyes. "Well, I am rather a pro at being snarky. I'd hate to give that up," he smirked.

I was a fool for thinking he might just let his guard down. He may have done so for me in the past, but it was no coincidence that a day after he apparently had his closure from Riley he was reverting back to his guarded, defensive ways. Sighing, I finally said what I had been hoping to avoid. "Tell me about Riley."

He blinked, slowly pulling the beer bottle away from his lips as he met my gaze. He didn't say anything immediately and I didn't offer any other words. We merely looked at each other, two lost souls wondering what the hell this world had in store for us. "There's nothing to tell," he lied.

I smiled sadly. "There's always something to tell."

He frowned. "How did you know?"

I hesitated before saying, "Remus."

Sirius scowled. "Bloody jackass."

"He's a jackass for caring about you?"

"He's a jackass for forcing you to care about me."

I was taken aback by the hostility in his voice. "That's not something he has to force, Sirius," I blurted out, cringing as the words spilled out.

The flicker of irritation in his eyes faded into trepidation. I could see the fear in his eyes and the hesitation in his stance as he stared back at me. Everything inside of him was screaming to push me away. Everything inside of him was telling him to respond with another snarky comment. Everything inside of him was telling him to stutter some excuse and walk away from this conversation. I knew what everything inside of him was doing because it was exactly how I felt.

And yet there I was, standing in front of him asking him to tell me about Riley.

The hairs on the back of my neck stood up at the reality of the situation, a reality I had been avoiding for so long. The reality that had me realizing I didn't just care about Sirius Black. That I was there standing in front of him desperate to hear about Riley for one reason only. I actually liked him. For so long, it couldn't work because a part of him was so hung up on Riley and that was why I kept pushing him away myself. And frankly, I was grateful for the fact that he was still working things out with Riley because that meant I didn't have to deal with what my own heart was feeling. But now that it was apparently over with Riley, everything had changed. Instead of comfort and ease staring back at me as it often had over the past couple of months, his eyes were filled with fear and panic. Because he, too, knew that nothing could have ever happened between myself and him knowing a part of his heart still belonged to Riley. But it didn't anymore.

So what now?

"Sirius," I whispered, my heart pounding out of my chest, "Tell me about Riley."

His eyes were still drawn to mine, though his sudden rapid blinking made me believe he was desperately trying to look away to no avail. "What did Remus tell you?"

"Very little," I admitted. "It's why I'm here asking you."

"Why?" he choked out. "It's not any of your business."

I frowned. "You're the one who's been making it my business," I pointed out.

His lips pursed instinctively. "So I talked to you about Riley a few times here and there. Big deal."

Yet another snarky comment. "I'm just ting to be a friend here," I sighed.

"I never asked you to be my friend."

My fists clenched. "No, you just asked me to be the girl you randomly turned to for casual sex when the moment was convenient for you," I drawled.

He shot me a look. "If I recall, you had your own share of convenient moments."

I rolled my eyes, though he had a point. "Why won't you tell me about Riley?"

He frowned, pushing himself off the counter with a brusque shrug. "You were the one telling me for months now to talk to the girl. I finally did. What more do you need to know?"

My eyes narrowed curiously. "Oh, so that's it, then?" I said snidely. "You just…talked."

He rolled his eyes. "Well, I sure as hell didn't make the mistake of sleeping with her again."

I shot him a look. "That's not what I was saying."

"Well, then what are you saying?" he snapped. "Because frankly, you're being a little cryptic right now."

"I'm being cryptic?" I snorted, glaring at him. "You're the one who refuses to tell me anything."

"Because it's none of your goddamned business!"

Holy freaking Merlin, was this really the guy I decided a minute ago that I liked? "Fine," I snapped, slamming my beer bottle on to the table, "Sorry for caring. Maybe Remus will have to force me to care in the future."

Shooting him a glare, I whirled around and sped out of the kitchen, fuming the entire way towards the foyer.

"Wait."

My hand was on the doorknob as I froze at the sound of Sirius' voice. I sighed, turning around. "What?"

There was so much apprehension and curiosity in the way he looked at me, a sense of nervousness settled into my heart. He said nothing, just staring at me with helpless eyes as he clearly attempted to work out what he was supposed to say next.

"I-I'm not very good at this, Keegan," he muttered, clearly uncomfortable.

"Good at what?"

He frowned, meeting my gaze. "This," he said, gesturing between himself and me.

My stomach tightened. "You seemed fine with 'this' yesterday," I said, using air quotes.

His expression turned curious. "Everything was different yesterday."

My eyebrow quirked upward. "It was, was it?"

He let out a soft sigh, running his fingers through his hair. "I-I don't know how to talk to you," he admitted with another sigh.

I sensed confusion in his expression. "Why not?" I dared to ask, the desperation seeping through.

I could only imagine that his heart was beating as fast as mine. Our eyes met, his filed with helplessness and mine filled with anticipation, before he said, "You really want to know about Riley?"

Damned good question. I had a feeling that whatever he had to say, it was going to change everything between us. He already insinuated that in the twenty-four hours where he had said good-bye to his relationship with Riley, something had shifted between us. If he told me the details behind what happened between him and Riley, we could no longer hide behind it.

I stiffened as I wondered if turning around and walking out was a better option for me. I could go on ignoring that anything was going on between Sirius and me. I could continue putting up walls and refusing to let anyone in. I was good at that. That's all I've ever known since Tristan died. But I didn't turn around. I didn't walk out. I simply stared at Sirius and nodded. "Yeah," I whispered. "I really want to know."

He frowned, his gaze turning soft as he perched himself on the second-to-last step of the winding stairwell. He said nothing at first, fingering the label of the near-empty beer in his hand. Eventually, he finished off the final sip of beer and turned to me. "For four years, I've had these overwhelming unanswered questions hanging over my head that I thought would linger there forever. I had tried convincing myself that I had buried these questions years ago but deep down, I knew they would always be there. They were always going to be in the back of my head, haunting me in every way possible. And when they were there, I wasn't whole. I wasn't me. I was just-"

"Lost?"

The word was out of my mouth before I could stop it.

He met my gaze and slowly nodded. "Yeah," he whispered vulnerably. "Exactly."

I offered him a very feeble smile. "I know the feeling," I admitted.

His eyes bore into mine as he continued. "Having a broken heart is difficult enough," he sighed. "But it's so much more than that. It wasn't just my heart, it was me. All of me. I…I had done the unthinkable to even myself and had fallen in love with her. And to me, that was a big deal. Because I hadn't a clue what the hell love even meant back then. I still don't. All I knew is that even not knowing to expect from it, I was in love with her. And she just…left. Walked out. No good-bye, no explanation. Nothing. So for four years I wondered if she had loved me at all. Loved me the way I had loved her. I wondered nearly every day why she didn't say goodbye. I wondered why she didn't give me any inkling as to why she had to leave so unexpectedly. I wondered what she had been thinking when she merely wrote some goddamned note with only two words. As if some lame apology on a post-it note was any sort of consolation. I wondered what I could have done differently. Or said differently. I-I just wondered. For four years all I could do was speculate. And speculation is nothing but torturous bullshit. It means nothing. It just works you up and makes you paranoid or regretful or angry. Or hell, all of the above. But…but…" he trailed off, choking on the words that wouldn't come.

"But sometimes it's easier living with speculation than living with the truth?" I whispered.

As he gazed up at me, I saw restless defeat staring back at me. He could only nod. "At least with speculation, you can turn the answers into what you want them to be. Sometimes the answers you actually get aren't always the answers you're searching for."

He sounded wise beyond his years as the words rolled off his tongue. "Did you get all of the answers you were looking for, Sirius?" I croaked out, wondering if he could really ever put his life with Riley to rest.

He hesitated before shaking his head. "Yeah, I did," he admitted with a curt shrug, fingering the label on his beer as he stared down at it with a curious glint in his eye. "But most importantly, I got an answer to a question that I had never actually let myself ask, too afraid of what the answer might be."

My heart began to race as I dared to ask, "What question?"

He swallowed hard, slowly turning his head to look at me. "Am I still in love with her?"

A chill ran down my spine at the brusqueness. "And?" I barely choked out, wondering why I, too, was afraid of the answer.

"For so long, I thought I was," he responded almost immediately. "For so long, I thought she was the person I was meant to be with. For so long she was all I could think about. For so long, she was it for me. She was my person. I-I never thought I was ever going to fall in love nor did I want to, but it happened and it happened with her."

I could practically hear my heart beating wildly out of my chest as our eyes locked. His eyes never left mine and it was making me feel overwhelmingly exposed and vulnerable. In a way that I've never felt before.

He spoke, his voice coarse and yet steady. "But that's all she was. My first love. That's it. I had let go of her a long time ago and just didn't quite know how to accept it," he admitted. "But the truth is, it was just me I hadn't let go of. I had become the person I thought I was supposed to be instead of the person I knew I should be. I blamed it on Riley because that was easier than blaming it on myself, but in the past four years, I never once took control of my own life. I let her control it for me."

If hearts really could stop and we could go on living, it would have happened to me at that moment. Because every word he spoke was everything I had ever felt. Tristan was the guy I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. But he was no longer here. Now, it was my turn to admit that I still had a life without him.

It was nearly impossible letting go of something that had been so real once upon a time. He hadn't just been my boyfriend or fiancé or friend or lover. He had been my everything. He took me from the darkness I had grown up with and showed me light. He made me feel things I had been convinced I could never feel. He gave me a family I never thought I'd have again. He saved me. He had made me the me I had once been so thankful for becoming. But he was gone. And now it was time for me to come to terms with the fact that I could still be me without him. If Sirius could realize he was somebody worth being, shouldn't I be able to do the same?

"Say something, Keegan."

I jumped, glancing down at him. I frowned hesitantly, not sure even where to start. I could tell him I agreed with everything he said. I could compare his realizations with my own insecurities. I could admit that it was fear holding any of us back from gaining out true potential. But I didn't need to, because Sirius knew all of that already.

I shuffled over to the stairwell and joined him on the stairs, my own thoughts and feelings jumbling into a tornado of emotions within my head. Instead of trying to make sense of it, I said the one thing I knew Sirius would understand. "It's really difficult letting go of who you used to be in order to become who you know you need to be."

I could feel Sirius' eyes on me, though my focus was settled on the foyer floor. "Yeah, it's difficult," he murmured, "But it's not impossible."

I sighed. I wasn't so sure about that.

---

++SIRIUS++

I could sense the nervousness in every word she spoke to me. It was as if something had shifted between us. All because I finally had the courage to have the conversation with Riley I had been so afraid of for so long. It wasn't easy, but I took the time and the effort to come to terms with the fact that the reason it had been so difficult wasn't because it was hard letting go of her or hell, even us. It was merely difficult letting go of the guy I had been pretending to be for so long because of her.

"Sirius?"

I glanced over at her. "Hm?"

"Why…why did you seek me out last night?"

I wasn't expecting that question. Of all the questions I would have expected her to ask, that didn't make the top ten. I could have assumed another question about Riley or moving on or the past or the future was on the horizon. But instead, she was asking me the one question that had nothing to do with any of that. It just had to do with us.

I felt my guard wrapping around my heart once again. I felt myself trying to find some sort of excuse as to why I would have been knocking on Keegan's door at one o'clock in the morning the night that I had finally said everything that needed to be said to Riley. I felt myself wanting to say anything but the truth. Because that's who I was. I was Sirius Black and every time emotions were running high, I ran. I was so good at running and it seemed to work up to a certain point. So wouldn't it just be easier to make up some excuse and not admit the truth that was staring me right in the face?

Everything inside of me froze as that thought scrambled through my mind. Because that Sirius Black – the one that went running all the time – was part of that guy I had been pretending to be for so long. The guy I had just claimed I knew how to let go of.

"Shit," I whispered, not realizing I said that aloud.

Her eyebrow shot upward. "What?"

Slowly, I turned to look at her and saw desperation and vulnerability that I rarely saw in her. Desperation and vulnerability that I knew I felt as well. And in that moment I knew I couldn't lie anymore. Not to her. And not to me.

I swallowed my insecurities and my fear and my regret as I turned to face her. "You know why I showed up last night, Keegan," I whispered hoarsely.

She didn't say anything. But I hadn't expected her to. She wouldn't have asked the question if she didn't already know the answer.

Her gaze slowly turned to me and as I stared back at her, all she did was nod.

Neither of us spoke, both of us clearly wrapping our minds around the conscious truth that was lingering in the air. She had come looking for me today for a reason. And I had shown up at her doorstep for a reason. The question really was were we ready to admit it?

"I-I should go," she blurted out, quickly climbing off the stairwell and heading towards the front door.

Guess that was a no from her.

"Don't," I found myself pleading.

She froze, her fingers wrapping around the doorknob. She merely stood there, her hand not moving from the doorknob as she stared at the wooden door. I waited to find out what her next move was going to do.

I wasn't sure whether to feel relief or panic when she finally took her hand off the doorknob and turned around. "Why not?" she whispered, her voice barely audible.

Everything inside of me froze as I realized I was about to admit the truth that I had been hiding for so long. My heart began to race at the prospect that I was finally taking my own advice for once and letting myself be the person I needed to be. The easy road had always been good to me, but all it got me was four years of living in the past. I needed to start living my life for the future.

I took a deep breath in and exhaled slowly as I turned to look at her, recognizing that she was just as curious about what I was about to say as I was. And so finally, I stopped hiding my heart and running from my feelings and told her exactly what she deserved to hear. "Because at some point over the past couple of months, I fell for you."

She went numb at the confession, as did I. I never thought I could fall for anyone who wasn't Riley. But as I said my good-byes to her the night earlier and found my way traipsing over to Keegan's apartment, everything had become so clear. All day, I had been pushing Keegan away and acting distant because I had nothing holding me back anymore. I was an open book. I was an available man. My heart was whole again. And it wasn't because of Riley. It was because of Keegan.

I met her shocked gaze, clearing my throat nervously. "It wasn't Riley who helped me realize that what had happened in the past was in fact, in the past. It was you. You gave me the courage to face her. You gave me the push that I needed. I've been living in denial for four years and it wasn't until talking to you that I faced the truth. And at some point in the past couple of months, I had let go of the past. I had let go of Riley. I had let go of all of the confusion and heartbreak and pain. So all that was left was letting go of me. Or at least I thought that was it. But as it turns out, the only reason I haven't been able to let go of myself is because I haven't been able to let go of you. And…and I don't want to."

I had to believe that her heart was beating as fast as mine. I could see in her face that she hadn't a clue what to say or do. And I didn't ask.

"I know that a strong part of you doesn't want to let go of me either, Keegan." I said softly. "It explains why you're still standing here right now."

Our eyes locked slowly and I could see the insecurities staring back at me. All of the insecurities that I once strongly felt. But now, all I felt was hope for the future. A future I actually hoped could include her.

"Sirius," she whispered hesitantly. She didn't say anything more. That was it. But in a way, it said it all. Because if she wanted to turn me down or fall into her usual defensive mode and push me away or say something sarcastic like she so often did, she would have. But she didn't. She merely said my name. And that single word held so much more weight than anything else she could have said.

I offered her a hesitant smile. "I know it's not as easy as me asking you to let go of your past. It'll never be that easy. But one day soon, I know you'll be able to put the past in the past and realize what your future can truly hold," I said softly, reaching instinctively for her hand. "When that day comes, I hope you'll find me. Because I'll be waiting for you."

I squeezed her hand and without looking at her again, I stood up and walked up the stairs towards my bedroom. There was nothing left to say on the matter.

I had admitted the basic truth of my emotions, something I thought would never be possible, but I knew she couldn't do the same until she was able to look deep inside of herself and ask herself the tough questions. Tough questions that had taken me four years to figure out. But no matter how long it might take, I would wait for her. Because there wasn't anyone else I wanted to be with. Not now. Not ever.

Not even Riley.

++KEEGAN++

My mind was reeling. I should have known that going over to Sirius' place was a bad idea. A bad, bad idea. But I have never seen Remus look so helpless in regards to his friend and based on the brief conversation I had shared with Sirius at Blarney's, I knew that something overwhelmingly grave was going on with Sirius and I couldn't let him self-destruct without at least trying to help.

I just hadn't realized that my attempt at helping would cause him to tell me he had feelings for me.

We weren't supposed to develop feelings for each other. That hadn't been part of the plan. Yes, a part of us was playing with our hearts when we had been fooling around but we had ended it before anything could get past that. I had ended it. I had thought that was for the best, but looking back now it was unclear who I had been convinced it was the best for. Me? Sirius? Both of us? Our hearts? Our minds? It had been a reflex, pushing away the only guy who I had ever even remotely been able to let into my heart after Tristan. I had told him things I had never told anyone. And I hadn't hated it. But I wasn't supposed to share my intimate secrets and insecurities with Sirius. That had never been the plan.I had known from the very first moment I met Sirius that he was going to be bad news. He had always looked and reminded me of Tristan. I had known it would be better to stay away. And yet somehow he had drawn me in. No matter how much I tried to push him away, I always found my way back to him. And somewhere over the past couple of months, I had actually fallen for him.

When the hell did that happen?

I wished I could just admit that to him, but there was still so much confusion and turmoil swirling in my mind. He had the chance to say his good-byes to Riley. I didn't have that same opportunity.

I frowned. Or maybe I did. Maybe I didn't need Tristan to say good-bye. Maybe I didn't need Tristan at all.

As I wandered back into my apartment, I prayed that some sort of sign would just hit me as to what my next move was supposed to be. I kept running our conversation over and over in my head as if something would suddenly come to me – the right thing or the wrong thing to do. Anything. My head was asking the questions but my heart was the one answering them. Only problem was that I had no clue what any of the questions or the answers were supposed to be.

Did I want to be with Sirius? My head was screaming no but my heart was saying something entirely different. But I had led with my heart in the past and gotten crushed when it all came to a screeching halt. So shouldn't I be listening to my head? And if it really was that easy then why was every inch of my body screaming for clarity.

"Hey, where have you been?"

I practically jumped at the sound of Lily's voice. She was curled up on the new couch I had purchased earlier that day when I had suddenly become unemployed. A frozen pizza was half-eaten in front of her, a glass of wine beside her.

"Please tell me that's not dinner," I drawled, shooting her a look.

She hesitated. "Alright, I won't tell you."

"It's almost eleven o'clock at night! That's about four hours after normal dinner hours."

"I was at Blarney's with Shane but instead of food, we chose to engorge on pitchers of beer," she said with a lopsided smile. "A good-bye celebration I suppose."

My heart leapt out of my chest at the reminder that she was leaving in three days. "Don't go," I blurted out desperately.

She glanced up at me in surprise. "What?"

I joined her on the couch, thoughts of Sirius heavily weighing in my mind. "Don't go," I pleaded. "I need you here, Lily. You're the closest thing I've got to a best friend and right now, I could really use one of those."

Her brow furrowed as she finished off her pizza, placing the plate down on our coffee table. "Why, what's going on?" she asked with genuine concern.

"Just…everything," I muttered.

"Well, gee, with that kind of logic, how could I possibly leave?" she teased.

I sighed, slumping down into the couch with a heavy sigh. "Today has been…a whirlwind to say the least," I said softly.

"Oh? How so?"

I slowly shot her a look. "I know you heard the Marauders here this morning. Don't pretend as if you weren't in your bedroom listening to every word."

She blinked before grinning sheepishly. "Alright, you caught me. But it's hard listening to every word through heavy doors so feel free to start at the beginning."

The beginning, hm? The beginning started a long time ago, much earlier than just this morning's conversation. I didn't say that. Instead, I found myself blurting out the events of that day. I spoke of the guys stopping in accusing me of selling them out. I spoke of the disgust and shame I felt when I found out Victor had been using me to get to the Potter exposé. I spoke of the callous and robotic words Malone mentioned to me when I had found out about his part in the article. I spoke of me quitting my job and I spoke of the unpredictable future that now lay in front of me. I spoke about how I ended up at Blarney's where I drank two beers and Riley showed up and then I left, wandering the streets for the next couple of hours, purchased some new furniture and assembled it before I once again wound up at Blarney's. I didn't speak of Sirius or of the conversation we shared, but I did speak of the hurt betrayal I felt from a lot of people that day – Sirius, James, Remus, Victor, Malone. I spoke and Lily listened. I was grateful that she didn't try to interrupt once. And that's what I was really going to miss about her. How easy it was to talk to her because she never once judged. Never.

When I was done, I turned to look at her with expectant eyes hoping for some vision of compassionate understanding. She smiled sadly at me and said, "On a scale of 1 to 10 on the shitty day list, I think that falls somewhere in the vicinity of 20."

I couldn't help but let out a weak smile. As it turns out, I hadn't needed compassion. I just needed someone to talk to. "You're telling me," I whispered.

"But I have to say, Keegan," she said softly, twirling a strand of hair around her finger as she often did when overwhelmed with thoughts, "Me staying isn't going to change that."

I met her gaze and slowly nodded. "I know," I whispered.

She sighed, turning away from my helpless gaze. "Shitty days seem to be occurring to all of us. For me, every day these past few months have been like a 20 on the Shitty Day scale. I've done things I'm not proud of and I've made decisions that I never would have made four months ago. And I just feel-"

"Like what?" I asked, confused. I had been under the impression that Lily was seemingly holding it all together on the surface even if I had known deep down she had been hurting. Then again, I knew all about living a lie on the surface while every inch of your body was in pure agony.

She frowned, tucking her hair guiltily behind her ear as she glanced up at me. "Merlin, where do I even begin? I dated a guy I knew I would never be able to love, at least not now. I used him for my own selfish reasons. Because I wanted so desperately to believe I could be happy. And then I-I shunned my friends for weeks, months even, just because they were James' friends. But they had also been my friends and I was too stupid to realize that they could be both. I was hurt and angry after what James had done to me and it was easy pretending as if I was hurt and angry with everyone else even though they don't control James. Next, Riley shows up after four years and instead of scolding her and berating her, I-I go out to dinner with her! What kind of hypocrite does that make me? And don't get me started on the fact that I foolishly slept with my ex-boyfriend's best friend in a severe moment of weakness. I will never forgive-"

"Wait, what?" I couldn't help but interrupt.

She froze, her eyes growing wide with guilt. "Oh, shit," she whispered, burying her head in her hands.

I waited for her to continue, trying to figure out who she might be talking about. Ex-boyfriend as in James? Shane? What best friend were we talking about?

Her head remained buried as she whispered, "I didn't mean to say that."

I blinked. "Well, you did," I pointed out curtly. "Who…who are you talking about? Who did you sleep with?"

Lily looked like she wanted to be anywhere but there as she peeked her eyes out from underneath her hands. Grave regret stared back at me through her watery eyes. She opened her mouth a few times as if she was afraid of saying the words aloud and I was about to ask her to just tell me when she blurted it out in a hoarse whisper. "I…I slept with Sirius."

My entire body literally froze. My mind went numb, my expression turned motionless, and my limbs went limp. Until the day I died, I had a feeling I would never forget those words. Ever.

Eventually, I was able to pull myself together (only slightly) long enough to cry out, "What!?"

"I know!" she whispered hoarsely, drawing her knees up to her body and hugging them vulnerably. "But don't you see, Keegan? This is what I'm talking about. I-I can't do any of this anymore. I can't go on pretending as if everything is fine when it's not. I-I can't stand the person I've been lately and I need to get to a place where I can actually appreciate the life that's been handed to me. And right now, my appreciation is at an all-time low. Because how the hell am I supposed to appreciate my life when I don't even appreciate myself?"

My head was still screaming with confusion. "When did you sleep with Sirius?" I blurted out, ignoring every word she had just spoken.

Lily frowned. "Does it matter?"

"Probably not," I muttered. "I'm just…I'm shocked, that's all." And I was feeling frustratingly betrayed. Here, I had just had a conversation with Sirius where he was pouring his heart out to me and now I was finding out that he had slept with Lily at some point in the past few months.

She sighed, resting her cheek on top of her knees. "It was the night James and I broke up," she whispered. "We both got so plastered off of tequila shots and neither one of us remember it. It just…happened. I was trying so desperately to forget what James had done to me that I went and pulled the stupidest move I could at the time. It was stupid and no one else knows about it so please, Keegan, don't mention it to anyone. Please."

I only had one person I was planning on mentioning it to and he had been the other person involved—wait, did she just say the night that James and Lily broke up? Once again my mind went numb, regret and anguish filling every inch of my body as an unfortunate realization set in.

The night that Sirius and Lily had slept together was the same night that Sirius and I slept together for the first time.

And suddenly it wasn't sorrow or remorse I felt. No, anger and shame were coursing through my every vein at the thought of Sirius Black. He didn't get to tell me he had feelings for me, he didn't get to lay his heart out on the line for me, he didn't get to beg me to let him in one day when he didn't bother doing the same to me. Not for a single second. During all of the intimate conversations we shared, all of the secrets we told one another, and during all of the vulnerability we exhibited to one another, he neglected to share with me one vulnerable secret that to me, was a pretty big one.

But the truth of the matter was, it wasn't even about the context of the secret because even I understood the need to keep that one quiet. This was about how he looked me in the eye earlier that night and told me he had fallen for me. But the fact that he could have sex with me one minute just to turn around and have sex with our friend, my roommate, and his best friend's ex-girlfriend without bothering to let me know about it meant he didn't have any real feelings for me at all.

And what's worse – what really killed me about the entire situation, was that I had actually thought for a brief second that finally letting go of Riley had given him the will to change. But he hasn't changed. He could act as if he was some new and improved version of himself but that was nothing but a lie. He would always be the same selfish, manipulative Sirius Black he always was.

"Keegan!"

I snapped out of my revelry at the sound of Lily's frantic voice. "What?"

Her eyes narrowed curiously. "You just looked like you got punched in the stomach and had the wind knocked out of you. Are you alright?"

I could feel the tears rushing to my eyes and had to feverishly blink them away in fear of showing Lily any sign of remorse. I opened my mouth to tell her that I was fine but found myself blurting out, "Sirius told me tonight he had feelings for me."

It was her turn to freeze. "Er…what?"

I nodded numbly. "I know. It shocked me, too."

"But…but…what!?"

"My reaction exactly."

"You waited twenty minutes before telling me!? I went on a rant about my less-than-ideal past couple of months without you interrupting me and telling me that Sirius Black pronounced his feelings for you tonight? What is the matter with you!?"

I offered her a feeble smile. "I…I'm still trying to wrap my head around it," I admitted in a small voice. Now more than ever.

"What did you say to him when he told you?"

"Nothing," I murmured. "He left before I could say anything."

"Okay," she spoke hesitantly, clearly not surprised that Sirius didn't want to stick around to find out what I had to say on the matter. "Well, what did you want to say?"

"I-I don't know," I whispered, shaking my head. I kept telling myself I was taken aback that Sirius had admitted his feelings towards me, but to be honest, the moment I realized he had knocked on my door hours after saying his final good-byes to his old relationship, a part of me knew. And a part of me went over to Potter Manor today to find out what it meant. Not just what it meant to him, but what it meant to me. "I…I…"

"Yeah?"

I merely shook my head, my bottom lip trembling with regret as I thought back to the past few months I had shared with Sirius. We had seemingly hated each other for so long and in a moment of severe tension, he and I were both spitting out the truth about our pasts. And we haven't been the same since. The unnerving tension that had occurred in those moments quickly led to sexual tension and not so surprisingly, we found ourselves in one another's beds. On numerous occasions. That should have been it. It could have been it. But we had to go and take it a step further. We spoke of our deepest insecurities. I spoke of my past – my rocky childhood, my unpredictable family, my time with Tristan, and my reaction when he died. He spoke of his past – his dismal childhood, his spiteful family, his time with Riley, and his reaction when she left. We listened and we cared. We said all of the right things – the things that we hadn't known were so right at the time but that had helped us accept the will to heal. And then he asked me out and I had to put the brakes on all of it. Because even though I had known he had only done it at the moment in spite of Riley's return, I knew that he crossed a finicky boundary I hadn't even realized had been built up around our hearts. But it was there. It was always there and probably always will be. We were able to move forward and on the surface, we put our casual relationship in the back of our minds as we became set on forming a friendship.

And for a while, that friendship worked. It really worked. He came to me when he needed someone to talk to and I was there to listen. I enjoyed those conversations and I found myself enjoying the company. It happened slowly at first. So slowly I hadn't fully realized what was happening until I was walking into Potter Manor earlier that night and he was telling me he wanted to be with me if I wanted to be with him. And in that moment where I sat on the couch opposite Lily as I informed her of what had occurred between myself and Sirius only minutes after she had informed me for what had occurred between her and Sirius, that confusing and heart-wrenching moment, that's when I realized that as much as I would have liked to deny it or push him away or let him push me away or ignore the flutter of my heart, I, too, wanted to be with Sirius.

Which really sucked. Because of course I would discover that I wanted to be with Sirius Black the moment I found out he was a backstabbing, unscrupulous, lying fraud.

"It doesn't matter," I eventually spoke, picking myself up off the couch. "What I wanted to say to him then and what I want to say to him now are two completely different things. He's…he's not the guy I wanted him to be."

As I wandered back into my bedroom, ignoring Lily's protesting cries after me, I finally succumbed to the tears that had been threatening to spill out. I had never let a guy come even close to weaseling his way into my heart and of course now that I have, I was just reminded of the reason I never had in the first place.

I already had to live with a broken heart four years ago. I refused to go through that again.

---

++REMUS++

"Was that Keegan I saw downstairs?"

Sirius glanced up from his bed and shrugged. "Yeah."

I waited for him to continue and when he didn't I asked, "What did she want?"

Sirius frowned, no words escaping his mouth as he glanced back down at the Quidditch magazine in his hands. His eyes glazed over as his expression turned grim. Slowly, he shook his head. "Nothing," he spoke in a strained whisper. "She wanted nothing."

I hesitated. "That nothing sounds an awful lot like something."

He shot me an irritated look, his lips pursing. "Whatever you're thinking, don't."

"I'm not thinking anything."

"Yeah, you are."

Alright, I was. "Are you really not going to tell me what went down between you two?"

He tried glaring at me but his expression was filled with an awful lot of regret it came out more like a grimace. "Remus, here's a thought," he snapped. "The next time you want to meddle in my life, don't."

I frowned. "Excuse me?"

"Stop trying to fix things for me all the damned time," he snarled. "Everything's already so fucked up without you intruding."

"Uh…I assure you I haven't a clue what you're-"

"Why did you tell her about Riley?"

I hesitated, cringing. "Oh."

He shot me a look. "'Oh' is right."

I sighed, leaning against the doorframe. "I-I didn't tell her much."

"You told her enough."

I shrugged. "Well, you wouldn't listen to me or to James. I thought maybe you'd listen to Keegan."

He snorted. "I did more talking than I did listening."

My eyebrows shot up. "Oh?"

He sighed, shaking his head. "I have enough going on in my life right now, Moony, that I really don't need you piling on to it, okay?"

I frowned. "I'm not trying to pile on to it. I'm…I'm actually trying to do the opposite."

"Well, it's not working!"

I was taken aback by the desperation in his voice. "What happened with Keegan?" I probed.

"Nothing."

I sighed. It was like talking to a brick wall. "Somehow I don't believe that."

He shot me a glare. "Well, it's the truth. I stupidly alluded that I kinda, sorta, definitely liked her, and she did nothing."

I gaped at my friend. "You…but…really?"

"Yes, really," he spoke brusquely. "Don't act so surprised. You, James, and Peter have been hounding me lately in an attempt to admit my feelings. Well, I did. So congratulations, you got what you wanted."

He sounded so bitter that my heart sank, wondering what Keegan would have possibly said to him after he admitted his feelings. "What about what you want, Padfoot?" I asked softly."

Frustration flashed in his eyes, his grip tightening around his beer bottle. "This wasn't supposed to happen," he scoffed. "This wasn't the plan. It had never been the plan. Keegan was just…Keegan. Someone I could fool around with and have a bit of fun with. It was casual. It was supposed to always be casual. When…when did it become more?"

I was curious of the answer myself. "I hope you're not asking me because I'm pretty sure you're the only one who can answer that."

He still had a lingering glare in his expression, taking a long swig of beer. "The answer is it shouldn't matter," he muttered, shrugging. "I shouldn't have said anything to her. What the hell is wrong with me? Why did I go and tell her that I liked her? Why didn't I just keep my mouth shut? I'm such an idiot. This isn't going to go over well, I can guarantee that."

My lips pursed curiously. "So…what did she say exact-"

"She said nothing," he said, cutting me off irritably.

I blinked. "Really?"

"Well, to be fair, I walked away before she could."

I groaned. "You really need to stop runni-"

"I wasn't running! I just knew she wasn't about to make a decision at that moment and I wanted her to know that I didn't care. I don't mind waiting."

"Really? Because last I checked, you're one of the most impatient people I-"

"I am not!"

"You're not even patient enough to let me finish a sentence."

A sheepish smile perched on Sirius' lips and I had to believe that was a good sign. "Don't go questioning your decision now, Padfoot," I said with a shrug. "This was a long time coming."

He sighed. "You keep saying that to me, but…but to me, it was unexpected."

I shrugged. "I know. It seemed like everyone was aware that something was going on between you two except for you and her."

Sirius frowned in response. "Any chance you could make her aware?"

"What happened to you not wanting me to meddle?"

He hesitated. "I mean, it's okay if I give you permission."

I laughed. "Oh, thank you for telling me the rules. I think I'm up-to-date now."

He chuckled, tossing the Quidditch magazine to the side as he stifled a yawn. "Well, I suppose there's not much I can do except what I promised her I would," he murmured, glancing up at the ceiling.

"Oh? And what's that?"

He let out sigh, his hesitant eyes flickering down to meet mine. "I wait."

I was proud of Sirius. It took him nearly four years but finally he was a free man. I admired the fact that he was going after what he wanted even if it terrified him.

It made me wonder why James just couldn't do the same.

---

++KAY++

Lance and I were running through our seating chart late that night when a knock was heard on our door. Glancing at the clock, it was after ten o'clock, which made me think that whoever was there was not there to present us with good news.

I held my breath in anticipation as Lance walked over to the door and opened it.

"Hi, there," Lily greeted cheerfully.

Cheerful. That was good. I exhaled as I glanced up at my redheaded friend. "What are you doing here so late?"

"Uh, I've got gossip if you've got wine."

I grinned, hopping off the couch and heading into the kitchen. I came back out a few minute later with a half-empty bottle of red wine and three wine glasses.

Pouring us all glasses, Lily slipped into the lounge chair as both Lance and I reclaimed the couch. "Okay, spill," I urged, handing her a glass.

"Guess who slept together on Tuesday?"

"Probably a lot of people," Lance drawled with a shrug.

I shot him a look, though Lily couldn't help but laugh. "Alright, yes, that's probably true, but I'm going to have to ask you to be more specific."

"I'm betting you're about to tell us that Keegan and Sirius slept together," Lance said with a guilty grin.

Lily's eyes narrowed. "You knew about this?"

"Er…yeah."

Lily glanced over at me curiously. "Which means you knew about this."

I grinned sheepishly. "It might have come up."

"Why didn't anyone tell me!?"

"I wasn't aware you wanted to be privy to all of Sirius' mating habits," I teased.

Lily scowled. "I don't, but when Sirius can't-make-a-decision-about-who-he-wants-to-be-with Black and Keegan I-refuse-to-get-close-to-anyone-of-the-male-gender Rouge up and jump into bed together after actively avoiding doing so for the past month, that's something a girl wants to know!"

"Damn, their parents really hit the nail on the head with those middle names," Lance said with a smirk.

Lance yelped, ducking as a pillow went soaring at his head.

I couldn't help but laugh and while Lily was clearly attempting to glare at him, the ends of her mouth were turned upward in clear amusement. "Did you also know that the reason she and I got out before the fiendfyre could swallow us up was because she just so happened to be traipsing back from Potter Manor that morning?"

My eyebrow shot up curiously. "So apparently horniness saved you from dying a very fiery death?"

Lily made a face. "I don't like to think about it."

"You should really send Sirius a thank you card," Lance teased.

"Ah, yes, 'Thank you so much, Sirius, for lacking the self-control that it takes to determine when and who it is best to have sex with. It really saved my life. Love, Lily,'" Lily drawled sarcastically.

He grinned sheepishly. "I think he'd really appreciate it."

Lily rolled her eyes, a slight chuckle escaping her lips. "Well, I have other news for you as well that I guarantee you haven't heard about yet," she pressed on.

"Oh, great, who else did Sirius sleep with?" I teased.

She shook her head. "Probably a lot of people," she mused, a curious expression settling into her emerald eyes. "But what I was going to say is that he told Keegan he had feelings for her."

All Lance and I could do was stare at Lily in utter disbelief. "But…wait, what?" I sputtered.

She shrugged hesitantly. "Tonight."

"Took him long enough to admit it," I mused.

Lily looked at me in surprise. "You saw it, too?"

"It was hard not to. Those two have been so hot and cold since the day they met. They're friends and then they're sleeping together. And then they stop doing that and go back to ignoring each other. Yet, Keegan showed up at the hospital when Sirius got attacked even though we know she hates hospitals. Even though she didn't even show up in the hospital when Fabian got attacked back in November when the two of them have been dating."

"Damn, I never thought of that," Lily said in surprise.

I shrugged, but it was Lance who continued. "Don't forget that when she starts dating that coworker of hers, Sirius ended up sleeping with Riley, and then barely two weeks later, he's sleeping with-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Lily interrupted. "What do you mean Sirius slept with Riley?"

I cringed, slowly meeting Lance's surprised look. "Er…you didn't tell Lily?" Lance said sheepishly.

"You told me not to!"

"Yeah, but you never listen to me!"

"I did this time!"

"Why would you go and do a thing like that?"

"Hey!" Lily interrupted, glaring at the two of us. "What do you mean they slept together?" she repeated.

"I wasn't aware that was ambiguous."

"Lance!"

He cringed. "I-I don't know all of the details. It just happened I guess."

"What's with everyone hopping into bed with their ex-boyfriends?" Lily muttered, taking a gulp of wine.

I frowned. "Have you talked to James yet?"

She shot me a withering glare. "We are here to discuss Sirius and Keegan's fucked-up relationship, not mine."

"What makes you think it's fucked up?" Lance asked curiously.

Lily snorted. "Because it's Sirius Black and Keegan Rouge. The two of them don't exactly scream healthy relationship."

Lance paused, his lips pursing. "That's kinda cynical, don't you think?"

She shrugged. "Yeah, but when the man you're in love with looks you in the eye and tells you he doesn't love you anymore, you get to be cynical."

He offered her a lopsided smile full of sympathy. "Alright, I'll give that one to you," he said. "But maybe the reason Sirius is so fucked up is because of Riley. Maybe he can get un-fucked up with Keegan."

"Does he even want to get un-fucked up?" I muttered curiously. "Seems to me he thrives on the relationship drama."

"I don't think he thrives on it," Lance argued. "I think he's afraid of making the wrong decision. The last decision he made in the relationship department had the girl disappearing in the middle of the night days after she admitted she loved him. That would put any guy on edge."

Lily and I glanced at each other curiously, both of us clearly realizing that Lance had pinpointed the real issue. "It doesn't help that the next girl he fell for has a habit of running away," Lily murmured.

Another valid point. "Those two really are fucked up," I murmured with a feeble smile.

"Which means that they're probably meant for each other," Lance mused curiously. "This is probably a good thing. For both of them. Those two are extremely good at pushing people away, and yet they somehow haven't been able to do so yet with each other."

Lily and I exchanged a contemplative look. "Well, aren't you Mr. Positive tonight," Lily eventually said.

He smiled, taking that as a compliment. "So you said that Sirius told Kegan he had feelings for her, but what did Keegan say?"

"Nothing."

Both my and Lance's eyebrows shot up. "Nothing? Just…nothing?" I urged.

"Sirius walked away before she could say anything."

"Hm," Lance mused. "Smart move."

I smacked him on the shoulder. "That's not a smart move! That's a coward's move!"

Lance laughed, grabbing my hand before I could retract it and kissed my knuckles. "If he had stayed, she would have said the first thing that would have come to her mind. Instead, he gave her time to think about it. Believe me, he's better off waiting until she actually spent the time thinking about it. At least then, he'll know the truth."

"You think she would have turned him down," Lily blurted out.

Lance met her gaze and shrugged. "I think all she's been good at is running so who's to say she wouldn't have done the same thing today?"

"Who's to say she won't do the same thing after thinking about it?"

Glancing over at Lance, I was curious what he would say to that. "She could," Lance said with a shrug. "But at least then she would have had the chance to think it over. At least she would have spent the time to make the right decision."

"Or she would have had more time to talk herself out of making the right decision," I muttered.

Lance shrugged. "Only time will tell I suppose."

She sighed, finishing off her glass of wine and placing it on the side table before pulling herself off the chair. "Well, whatever those two crazy kids end up doing, I hope they figure out it before I leave on Sunday because I'm dying to watch this all unfold."

"Aw, so it's all about you?" I teased.

"Indeed it is!" she said with a grin, waving as she walked out of my apartment.

Glancing over at Lance, I saw a curious expression on his face. He finished off his wine and glanced over at me.

"What?" I asked.

Shaking his head slowly, he just said, "I just really love you, that's all."

My ears turned pink as I smiled. "You're not so bad yourself," I whispered, leaning over to press my lips against his.

"With everything that's been going on with Lily and James and then Sirius and Riley and now Sirius and Keegan, it just makes me grateful that we found our way back to each other. I know we had our own share of troubles, but-"

"But that's in the past," I cut him off, placing my wine glass on the table and turning back to him. "In a few months, we are getting married and I wouldn't want to be planning a wedding with anyone else."

He smiled, pressing his forehead against mine as he kissed my nose. "Your other boyfriend doesn't mind?"

I laughed, slowly moving so I was straddling him. "Nah, he's merely eye candy. Not husband material."

He scoffed. "I know I started the joke, but that was just mean," he said with a mock pout.

Giggling, I leaned over and when my lips were just barely touching his, I whispered, "I guess I'll have to find a way to make it up to you."

His eyebrow shot up. "Why, yes, yes you do. I simply must insist."

Grinning, I closed the gap between us and pressed my lips hungrily to his, my hands framing his face. His tongue danced with mine as his own hands traveled up my back and into my hair. I pressed my pelvis into his, moaning as his lips pulled away from mine and made a raid towards my neck. My stomach fluttered with passion, my heart soaring with so much passion for the man underneath me. His lips nipped at my neck and then my shoulder as his fingers found the bottom of my tank top. His lips only parted from my neck briefly when he lifted the tank top over my head, discarding it to the corner of the room as our lips found one another once again.

"I bet your other boyfriend doesn't kiss like that," he whispered breathlessly in between kisses.

"I'm definitely breaking up with him tomorrow."

---

++KEEGAN++

I was determined not to think about Sirius Black. He didn't deserve any of my thoughts wasted on him. He broke my heart before I even realized he had a part of it. I had gone ahead and let my guard down around him, just a little bit, and he reminded me why I bothered to put up that guard in the first place. He was a jackass. He was a heartbreaker. And he was someone I no longer wanted to care about.

So I did the only thing I knew how to do at that point. I worked.

After the article was published about the Potter exposé, I knew I had very little time to get it all together enough to publish it before Voldemort and his minions were going to come beating on all of our doors. I wasn't going to lie and say it didn't frighten the hell out of me. It had been the one thing that had been lingering in the back of my mind since I had hastily agreed to help James research and write his family's story. I had always known that with my name attached to it, I could very well be targeted by Voldemort. But I was also very good at pushing those thoughts from my mind as I tried desperately to help a drowning James Potter.

All that was really left was the editing. I had gotten a lot of great information from James, his family members, his friends, Sydny, and even the boxes of crime folders and case files that Mrs. Potter had provided to me held some significant information. The one thing that to me seemed to be glaringly missing was the WHY behind it all. Why did it seem the Potter family was targeted? Why them? What did they do? The only answer I ever could have surmised was that every single one of them had turned down an invitation to join the Dark Side except for Wyatt who instead chose to double-cross them. But I could only imagine how many people Voldemort reached out to requesting their presence in his army. And I could only imagine that many of them ignored his requests. So why the Potters? Why them? I was hoping that re-reading and editing my work would provide me with some sort of answer. And I had a strong feeling that James knew more than he had told me and once I was finished with the rest of the exposé, he was going to be my first stop. I still needed answers and I thought he was the person to get them from.

As it turned out, I had thought wrong. The person who could apparently give me answers was dead: Jonathan Potter.

I was cleaning up the mass of boxes that were lining my room – boxes filled with Wyatt's letters and others filled with hundreds of case files. Some boxes I had merely glanced through. Some I had skipped over. Some were so old they were covered by dust to which I avoided. I almost missed the box that held such valuable information and the only reason I caught it was because I had stumbled into it and folders galore spilled out everywhere. As I was sweeping them all back into the box, one in particular caught my eye because I could see the words "Executioner" sprawled across the edge of it. I hadn't realized that Mr. Potter had anything to do with the Executioner, so I dove right in.

As I perched on my bed to read the entire report, I was very much aware of how thick the file was. Most of Mr. Potter's crime reports were a page or less but this one went on for at least 5 pages. So many intimate details were provided and I found myself quite captivated by it. It was amazing to me to see how similar his writing technique was with his son's, Wyatt, as they spoke so harshly about the Dark Side. From what I understood, Jonathan Potter had been tracking Giovanni Fevriello (known as the Executioner by most) for a few months prior to the Executioner's breakdown but no real evidence had been provided enough for Mr. Potter to make an arrest. Until the mass murder that occurred in that small Italian town to a bunch of unsuspecting Muggles.

I read on, enthralled by the amount of detail regarding the victims of the Executioner's murder spree. Unsuspecting families who been asleep, completely unaware that their lives were going to come to an end. Specifically his family who he had turned against and killed so as to apparently save them from the same fate he had ultimately fallen into. An entire page was written about the apprehending of the Executioner and the struggle that occurred. And ultimately his death by the wand of Jonathan Potter. My breath hitched as I realized that it was Mr. Potter who had been the one to bring down Voldemort's right-hand man at the time. The hairs on the back of my head stood up as I realized I had finally stumbled across the reason Voldemort had his sights set on the Potter family.

I was nearing the end of the report, consumed by so much rage for one man when my eyes froze as they came upon the sole survivor of the Executioner's family. It was just a name. A name that really shouldn't have struck out at me as it wasn't anyone I particularly knew. A name that should have meant nothing. A name that I shouldn't have given a second thought to. And yet I did.

And suddenly I knew that it wasn't a coincidence I had stopped upon that name. That name meant something. It meant everything actually. And as I turned to the final page of the crime report, a sea of faces stared up at me. Faces of the victims. But it was the face of a sole survivor that my eyes settled on. And in that moment it was as if all of the pieces of the muddled puzzle that was the Potter family exposé were coming together and it was no longer just Jonathan Potter who could answer my questions. No, there was one more person I knew I could turn to. And that person was very much alive.

---

++SYDNY++

That day was supposed to be like any other day. I was supposed to wake up, go for my morning run, come into work early, help Fabian with the recruitment training session on wandless magic, get into a few tiffs with James, eat my lunch, meet up with Moody regarding protection detail, and go home to an empty apartment where I would pretend that didn't bother me.

But no, that day didn't go at all how I had expected it to. After helping Fabian with recruitment training and right before getting into any tiffs with James came the biggest shock I've had to encounter in nine years. A shock I hadn't been prepared for. A shock I had never wanted to be prepared for and yet here it was, staring me in the face and I had to figure out what the hell I was going to do next.

I was glancing over the recruitment training mission itinerary when it happened.

"Sydny?"

I glanced over my shoulder at the unfamiliar voice and was surprised to see Keegan standing there. I opened my mouth to say hi but her next words stopped me cold.

"Or should I say Cindy?"

That's all it took. Just a five-word sentence that would have meant absolutely nothing to anyone else. But I wasn't anyone else. Those words stabbed through my heart like a knife and my breath was knocked out of me. Every limb of my body turned numb with shock and horror. I hadn't heard the name 'Cindy' in nine years. I had actively avoided thinking about the name I had been born with. That person was no longer me. No, that person died the moment my family had been killed. I fled from Italy, changed not only my name but my entire life and never looked back.

Until now.

My mouth grew dry as I tried to form some semblance of a sentence. "How did you…?" I whispered, the one word so hoarse on my tongue.

She blinked in awe. "So it's true then?" she said softly. "You're…" she trailed off, looking at me hesitantly.

I could feel my entire body tremble as I sank further into my chair defeatedly. I could have denied it and let her believe she was mistaken but we both knew it was too late for that. I didn't know how she knew the truth that I had avoided for so long, and frankly it didn't matter much, but the hard, cold truth was dangling precariously in front of us. I had been looking over my shoulder for nine years under the impression that my past could remain hidden forever but it had finally caught up with me. I couldn't hide anymore.

"Yes, my real name is Cindy," I whispered, my voice trembling. "Cindy Fevriello."

Her eyes widened slightly at the confession.

I met her shocked gaze. "Otherwise known as the Executioner's daughter."

---

A/N: Cliffhanger! Let's be real, I wouldn't be me without one. But more importantly, I just gave you the longest chapter thus far in the series so I hope you're pleased. And if you're not, then there's probably numerous reasons for it: no Lily-James interaction (just wait until next chapter!), Sirius told Keegan he liked her and minutes later Keegan finds out he slept with Lily, or Sydny is the one and only Executioner's daughter and yet I left you with a cliffhanger. But what's going to happen next? How will Keegan deal with Sirius' declaration? What will Sydny do about the truth coming out? How will Keegan respond to that? And is James finally going to step up and talk to Lily? Well, I'll leave you in suspense about most of those questions, but I will say that yes, James and Lily WILL finally have the long-anticipated confrontation!