Alright- I appoligize for the wait. College has started up again, and I just tested for my black belt (I passed :) ), and my schedule has just been crazy lately. But I finally did it!
You guys wanted some post-Levi Squad angst/relapse, and I delivered. However, there's a bit of depressed Levi here, as well. Levi's just lost everyone, and he's not handling it well, but he and Eren are leaning on one another in this chapter. That being said, ths is pretty emotional and contains some triggering material.
Finally, this can be read as pre-Ereri, if you really want it to, but I prefer to see it as two totally lost human beings finding comfort in one another's presence. Please review- I want to know how you guys see it and how I did! :)
The castle was empty- the quiet was unnatural, and a lonely figure made his way up the steps, boots thudding hollowly on the stone steps. The sound echoed.
His limbs felt like they were filled with led, and his leg throbbed painfully. He knew somewhere in the back of his mind he should get the injury tended to, but rational thought had abandoned him long ago- if not when he'd discovered his squad, then it'd certainly gone when he'd tossed their bodies out of the wagons, into the dirt below.
He was exhausted- the kind of bone-deep exhaustion that sleep couldn't fix. He still remembered finding them- Gunther, disemboweled, dangling limply from the trees, fleshy pink entrails hanging out like some sort of grotesque decoration. He didn't even have time to cut him down- he'd been in such a rush- he knew his squad needed his help.
Eld- lying in the grass. Petra, leant awkwardly against a tree, body poised unnaturally, blood smeared on her face.
Auruo- lying dead in the grass, an expression of utter despair on his face.
He was dead inside. Absolutely dead. He'd been running on autopilot when he'd had to stop that raven haired brat from getting herself killed, and he'd managed to save Eren in the process. But the whole squad was dead, and he refused to celebrate any victory when so much had been lost.
He took another laborious step, biting back a grunt of pain as his injured leg protested. He was nearing the top of the stairs, now, almost to his room- to blessed sleep.
Petra's father had looked lost. He'd looked baffled- one moment nervously discussing his daughter's wedding, the next realizing his daughter was dead, and that her body was rotting in a field somewhere because Levi hadn't been strong enough.
The man he let out an anguished cry, falling to his knees- it had been painful to watch. The man had pounded his fists into the ground and screamed, and Levi had just watched the heart broken man, appearing cold, soulless. How could he be heartbroken when his heart had already been shattered?
In some small way, he'd wished the man would yell and scream. He'd wanted the man to strike him, wanted the blows and hateful words to rain down on him- it'd be easier to deal with than the guilt. At least with the pain, the hurt and the bruises- he would've felt punished. Pain, sweet, sweet ablution from the sins of neglect. He'd finally get what he deserved.
But he hadn't, and the man had just laid on the ground, sobbing brokenly. There hadn't been a damn thing Levi could do for the man, as friends had rushed to carry the grief-stricken father home, and Levi had simply trudged along with the procession, waiting for death to take him as well. Death had always been a disappointing bastard.
He made it to the top of the stairs, huffing painfully. He was almost to his room- he wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Sleep- a little taste of death, but without the forever commitment. Death never could commit to anything.
He stumbled down the hallway roughly, swinging open the door to his room and letting the heavy oak wood fall closed behind him. He fell onto his bed, the pillow muffling a groan as his leg ignited as though struck by lightning.
Sleep didn't come, however, and he couldn't help but feel he was forgetting something. He opened his half-lidded eyes, looking around blearily. Everything in the room seemed to be in place, neat and orderly as always….
Except for the empty cot at the foot of his bed.
He was on his feet so quickly his injured leg buckled, and he stumbled, barely catching himself on the dresser and muttering curses all the while. He threw the door open with reckless abandon, stumbling towards the staircase.
"Eren!? Where the hell are you!?" There was no response- the survivors were still working outside to unhitch the remaining horses.
Levi stumbled into the kitchen, shouting roughly, scanning the kitchen frantically. One knife was absent from it's sheath in the knife block, and Levi gaped, wide eyed-
"Eren fucking Jager! Answer me right now!" he should've known the boy would've been crushed by everything that happened. His heart was raging in his chest, pounding on his glass ribs like a steel hammer, and he was ready to break.
Where the hell would the boy be?
The dungeons- the thought hit him with the force of a brick, and his blood ran cold- of course Eren would've retreated to the darkness of the dungeon to indulge his old habits….
Levi had just lost his entire squad, and now, because of his own idiocy, he might just lose the boy as well….
He threw open the door to the dungeons, pitching forward harshly and nearly tumbling down before he rightened himself, clattering painfully down the stone steps and into the dank air….
He could hear muffled sobbing, and his heart rate increased tenfold. His lungs were about to burst, but he took the stairs two at a time anyways, eyes watering in pain as his leg protested harshly.
The sobbing was louder, now, and he turned the corner to the familiar cell, seeing a hunched figure sitting on the stone slab that'd been a bed.
He pulled the door open, stumbling inside. The dull glow of a single candle illuminated the crimson dripping onto the stones, mixing with the tears.
Levi stopped dead, eyes wide. Jager was raking the blade over his skin, again and again, rocking back and forth, teeth tearing into his sleeve to muffle the frantic sobs.
"Eren…." Cuts crisscrossed the tan flesh, droplets spattering the gritty stone like paint.
Eren couldn't see him around his glassy wet eyes, shaking each time the blade cleaved down with reckless abandon.
"Eren! Stop!"
The boy wasn't listening- Levi wondered if he could even hear him. He seemed so lost in his world of hatred and pain, and Levi felt himself begin to panic- what if he'd lost Eren for good this time, what if the boy had finally succumbed to the torture of his own mind?
"Eren, godammit, you're going to destroy yourself!" Levi reached over, seizing the hand that held the silver knife in his own hands. He could feel Eren's hand shaking within his own, before the knife clattered to the floor, the blade bouncing on the cold stone, acting as a gruesome paintbrush as it spread hated crimson on the floor.
Eren looked up at him with cloudy green eyes.
"Levi." His voice was raw from all his sobbing. "I'm sorry, Levi- it was all my fault."
"Oh Eren…." Levi looked down sadly as the red cascaded down the boy's arms. He fumbled in the dim light, trying his best to slow the bleeding as he reprimanded himself.
He should've known. If losing the squad had been enough to push him into self-hatred, then it would've done the same for Eren. And Eren had obviously felt the need to punish himself….
More crimson blossomed on the floor, and Levi frowned, pulling off his jacket and pressing the fabric to the wounds, hoping to slow the bleeding.
Tears were still running down the boy's face, his green eyes cloudy.
"…all my fault…."
"You did what was best in the moment, Eren…."
"They're all dead!"
"It wasn't your fault!"
"I'm so sorry, Levi, you weren't there, they told me to run, so I did, and I looked back and they were all dead…."
"Be quiet, Eren." Levi didn't want to hear the details. He'd seen the carnage himself. Right now he simply wanted slow the bleeding enough so he could get Eren upstairs.
"But it's my fault!"
"Quit lying to yourself, dammit! You keep on blaming yourself, but you aren't a god, Eren! You can't save everyone, titan-shifter or not! You just can't accept the fact that sometimes you're powerless! Sometimes there's nothing you can do! But you have a god-complex, and you're going to destroy yourself if you keep blaming yourself for everything!"
His leg was filled with frayed copper wires- with each laborious step he took up the stone steps, the more the broken ends of the wires touched, erupting in a shower of sharks, sending electrifying pain up his legs.
"I'm not going to lose you too, Eren, you understand me!? You're all that's left, and I'll… I'll keep you safe, okay?" he was wheezing painfully, shaking from the exertion and pain.
Eren said nothing, dissolving into hiccuping sobs. He was beginning to calm down, though his arms were still bleeding.
Levi had no idea how he managed to drag the boy up to his quarters in his condition, but somehow, he managed to. He deposited the shaking body onto his bed- Eren had cried himself into exhaustion, and was about to fall asleep.
Even though he was barely coherent, ready to collapse from exhaustion, he tore the sheets of his bed into make-shift bandages and wrapped Eren's arms in them, stumbling over to close the door to his room.
He was too concerned and exhausted to care when he fell into his bed beside Jager, putting his arms around the shaking, tortured frame and resting his head on the boy's chest.
He absolutely hated himself, but he fought back the demons, the hatred, the pain that threatened to swallow him whole. The guilt over his squad's deaths were forgotten when he breathed in the familiar scent of pine and leather- Eren. The one squad member he had left.
He wouldn't lose him.
As humanity's hope and humanity's strongest fell into a light, tortured sleep, an abandoned knife was left to cool in the darkness of the dungeons, abandoned to rust. It wasn't needed anymore.
Please review your thoughts! :)