Chapter Nine: He Suffered as Well!
Dudley turned to Harry and said, "You all need to hear this. Just because Harry was abused, does not mean that I did not suffer equally and sometimes more than equally in that house!"
"Impossible," Harry whispered, stunned more than he had ever been stunned by anything in his life. "My aunt and uncle loved you!"
"No," Dudley said with great gravity. "They loved my name and what I was, but they did love me!"
"I don't understand," Hermione said, her heart going all aflutter.
"They loved the idea of their son, who was called Dudley Dursley, but they didn't love me as an individual person. I was just a means for my parents to get an heir and a thing to dote on. My magic manifested early on, but seeing how they treated Harry I knew it would be best to not showcase it. So I kept it hidden and pretended to be a normal person. I even cast an illusion on myself so that I appeared fat and ponderous, so no one would suspect my magical talents.
I still wasn't good enough for them though, they wanted me to best Harry in every way possible and that included weathering sterner abuse. That time I fell on Harry was because Vernon threw me through a window and it was only because I cast a Cushioning Charm in time that we both didn't die."
"I can't believe I owe you my life," Harry said shamefully.
"Yes, you do," Dudley told him. "But you see, it's more complicated than that. You may think you were moved out of the cupboard because Petunia couldn't waste their medical insurance on you, but in reality it was so they could put me in there so that my room could be used for nefarious purposes!"
"What kind of nefarious purposes?" Ron demanded, furious that people could be so awful without poverty driving their darker urges.
"Child abuse!" Dudley said with a flourish that made everyone gasp, except for Dumbledore who merely twinkled his eyes while his mustache furled. "Yes, that was what they punched me out of the room for! And that time when I cut off the legs of Harry's bed? Well I didn't beat him with them, although he thinks I did in the confusion of the moment, I was actually trying to get him a weapon so that he could defend himself from my parents, but alas I failed in convincing him of this."
"I'm so sorry!" Harry wailed plaintively. "If only I knew how hard of a life you had!"
"If only you did," Dudley said sorrowfully. "But it is in the past now, and we should get to class."
"Yes! Class!" Hermione said excitedly, excited that someone else that she knew was excited about the exciting options that class offered.
So the six went to their next class, History of Magic with Professor Binns. He started off by immediately talking about goblin rebellions and his droning voice soon sent everyone into a near stupor. Dudley frowned and raised a hand, causing the ghostly ghost to stop and face him, his confused face like that of a hooked fish after it was yanked out of the water and hurled with a wet slap to the wooden dock where it was then forced to flap around until the person yanked the hook out and bashed the fish in the head before tossing it into a cooler with seventeen other fish, three of which were trout.
"What is it…Dudley?" Binns asked.
"You said the Goblin Rockgarg killed 38 wizards during his reign of terror in 1458, correct?"
"I did," Binns said slowly, his ghostly eyes narrowing as Hermione scribbled frantically in her notebook. Some of the other students started to stir as well, as something was happening that hadn't happened in decades…someone was actually questioning Binns.
"Well according to my eidetic memory, Rockgarg actually saved forty wizards during his reign of peace in 1532!"
"You must be wrong! Or perhaps I misspoke!"
"No," Dudley declared, "There's no way you could be that wrong and you have been giving us inaccurate information all class!"
"I'm old and dead!" Binns said. "I make mistakes!"
"And that's not all," Dudley continued to the now awakened shock of everyone in the room. "I suspected it when I first arrived in the school, but now I'm sure. You weaved an enchantment in this room that cost you your life, didn't you?!"
"MAYBE?!" Binns shouted inconclusively his frantic spectral mouth quivering with ectoplasmic fear.
"I knew it!" Dudley said triumphantly. "Your enchantment, combined with your mystical voice forces all who listen to it to sink into a stupor where you then slowly turn their brains into figurative mush with useless information that you are actually using as a magic code to drain power from your students in a slow minor way…just enough to keep you alive forever! As a ghost!"
"If that was true," Binns said, panicking, "Then why were you not affected?"
"I am too powerful for your feeble spells! Now be banished!Pello Pepulli Pulsum!"
With a fantastic wave of his wand a brilliant golden light shot out of Dudley's wand and slammed into the ghost. He screamed once, briefly, before vanishing into the ether. Everyone in the class cheered and Dudley said, "All right everyone, let's go to Herbology!"
"YAY!" all the students said, as they followed him to the Greenhouse.
Herbology went by with much less fanfare than History of Magic and the only note-worthy thing that happened in that class was Dudley winning Gryffindor one hundred points for rescuing Professor Sprout from a murderous Venomous Tentacula. In Charms he taught Professor Flitwick a new Charm, winning him an additional sixty points and in Care of Magical Creatures, Hagrid gave Dudley points for casting a spell that made Flobberworms interesting. Soon the only thing left was Defense Against the Dark Arts.
Class started off normally enough, with Quirrel babbling on about Inferi and Nundu and everyone pretended to pay attention. Dudley however stared suspiciously at Quirrel.
"What is it Dudley?" Harry asked his hero.
"Something's wrong with Quirrel."
"What is it?" Ron asked his new best friend.
"What kind of person wears a turban?" Dudley asked.
"A terrorist?" Hermione inquired.
Dudley frowned and shook his head. "That's not very nice Hermione, I'm sure there are lots of terrorists that don't wear turbans."
Hermione looked at the ground, abashed, "I'm so sorry Dudley! Could you forgive me?"
"Of course," Dudley said, exhibiting his boundless capacity for mercy. "But Quirrel will need to be watched."
Quirrel didn't notice the conversation going on as he couldn't hear the conversation over the sound of his teaching. But unbeknownst to everyone, even Dudley, was a second pair of ears listening intently from very close to Quirrel…