A/N: I know, I know, I know... I haven't updated in so long. I'm sorry! I've changed the end of this story so many times because I'm just not 100% pleased with it and I don't want to give you a chapter that I don't love. You deserve better than that! Especially since it takes me to long to update.

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling = awesomeness. Me? Eh, just mediocre.

Goodbyes on the Balcony

Chapter 55: Of Days, Donuts, & Last Words

By ByeByeBirdie

++FRANK++

I barged into Alice's room, my heart elated with the idea that she was actually alive. But I didn't know if I could actually believe it until I saw her with my own two eyes.

So when I poured through her door and saw her talking to Healer Stonebridge, I felt the tears of happiness collecting in the sides of my eyes as I rushed over to her bed.

"Frank," she whispered, her eyes lighting up as she met mine.

I wasted no time in reaching out and embracing her, burying my lips in her hair. It felt so good to have her in my arms. "I'm so glad you're okay," I urged, my body trembling with gratitude.

She smiled feebly, squeezing my hand. "I love you, too," she said with a teasing tone.

"I was just telling Miss Fisher here that she will need to stay overnight and maybe even another day or two until we are confident in a full recovery," Healer Stonebridge started.

"Wait, what?" I cried out, startled. "There are still injuries? Is she okay? What is still lingering?"

Stonebridge smiled. "She's fine," he urged. "But she had a lot of smoke in her lungs that has caused her immune system to weaken. We will continue to administer potions to build it back up. But we need her here in order to do so. I can't release her until she's back at her full health."

"But she's okay?"

"I'm okay, Frank," she said with a smile, bringing my hand up to her lips and kissing it.

"I'll leave you two alone," Stonebridge said, nodding his good-byes as he turned and walked away.

I turned to my beautiful fiancé and slipped into bed beside her, wrapping my arm around her and drawing her close. "So we only have about five seconds before I guarantee our friends come barging through that door, so I just need to say one thing," I murmured, running my fingers through her hair. "Don't you ever scare me like that again, y'hear me?"

She smiled feebly, resting her head against my shoulder. "I don't intend to," she said. "How is everyone? Sirius and Lily? What about Sydny? And what happened in the other houses?"

My body stiffened, the words unable to form.

She froze, staring up at me with expecting eyes. "Frank?"

"Sydny…" I trailed off, the name catching in my throat.

Turning to face me, I saw the heartbreak in her eyes. "She's dead, isn't she."

I could only nod, a lump forming in my throat.

"Oh," she whispered, her lip trembling. "And...Lily? Sirius?"

"Lily's okay. She's alive. She was released from the hospital this morning."

"She was?" Alice asked, stunned. She wasn't the only one. When Remus had informed me at Sydny's funeral that Lily was released from the hospital, I couldn't believe my ears. From what I understood, she hadn't told a single person what had happened to her in the house. She had avoided speaking to anyone and I could only believe that whatever happened really shook her up. We all had our suspicions and plenty of guesses as to what might have occurred, but nothing was confirmed. I couldn't help but wonder if it was better that way.

"Yeah," I murmured. "Evidently all of her injuries were mainly external. I don't know how she didn't get any smoke in her lungs from the fire, but she…she's okay. The Death Eaters tortured her but didn't kill her. I think they wanted us to show up at the house and they wanted Lily alive because of it."

"That's all just speculation, Frank," Alice pointed out.

I nodded. "I know. But it's all we've got right now."

She frowned sullenly. "How's Sirius?" she whispered.

I winced. "He's…he's still unconscious."

I could feel her heart race underneath my slight touch. "He…he risked his life to save her."

"I know," I murmured. It was heart-wrenching feeling pride in a guy who may not come out of this alive, but he truly was a hero. "He risked your life, too."

She frowned but said nothing. But I wasn't surprised.

"Alice, what the hell happened in that house?" I asked desperately.

She grew abnormally quiet, and I could see the panic in her eyes. "Frank-"

She never finished that thought as the door was thrust open and over half a dozen people spilled into the room, James leading the group. Behind him were Remus, Peter, Fabian, Drew, Dezzy, Kay, and Lance. How Hamadi's allowed them all into my room at once, I couldn't be sure. I had a feeling they didn't give the mediwitches the chance to say no.

"Alice!" was the resounding cry from all of them.

I put on a smile, but a part of me was disappointed that I no longer had alone time with Alice. As they all came over and surrounded themselves around her bed, I let my gaze fall upon Alice with a strained smile. She looked happy and healthy, but I couldn't imagine what she must have encountered in the house.

"Alice," James said after everyone greeted her. "Tell us what happened."

I felt her stiffen in my arms as she turned to meet his gaze. "I-I don't know if I have all the answers."

"You have more than we have," he urged.

I saw her eyes fill with regret as she found sudden interest in her bed sheets. "I don't know if you're going to want to hear the answers that I have," she murmured, hanging her head in shame.

"I'm asking, aren't I?" he pleaded.

The room grew silent, an impressive feat for the amount of people in there.

I saw her glance up at Fabian. "Sirius ran into us outside Pollux Place and said he needed backup. That was it. That was all he said before he went back off running towards Sirius' old house. Fabian started going after him, but I told Fabian no. He was in no condition to considering…well, I'm sure you know by now."

We knew she was referring to the Cruciatus Curse, so we all nodded.

"So I ran towards Sirius' place after Sirius. I caught up with him hunched behind a row of bushes at the side of the house. He told me Lily was in the attic and Sydny was going after her and we needed to help her ASAP. I-I remember asking him if his wand had been misplaced and he looked at me oddly when he said no. So I asked him why he hadn't just sent a mass patronus. He…he wouldn't tell me. He asked me if I trusted him and I said yes. And…" she trailed off with a frown before shaking her head. "Well, that was it. He stood up and said we were going after Lily. So that's what we did. We fought against a bunch of Death Eaters. I…I was up against Rodolphus on the second floor when Sirius rushed upstairs to the attic. Before I knew it, the entire house was crumbling. I tried going after Sirius but the entire structure was breaking and I ended up falling through the floor towards the main floor. I called out to Sirius and to Sydny and even Lily, but the house was in chaos. And then all I saw and felt were flames. They came out of nowhere. I tried going up the stairs to where I knew Sirius and Sydny were, but the stairs were already collapsing. My body weight was only going to bring them down. So I…I ran out. I didn't know what else to do."

"He didn't tell you why he wouldn't send a mass patronus?" James scoffed, his fists clenching at his side.

Alice shook her head. "No. But I could tell there was a reason."

"What reason could there possibly be to not call for an entire fleet of backup when he so clearly needed it and we were all right there?" James snapped.

"I don't know, James."

He frowned, glancing around at our friends who all looked almost as helpless as James. "Am I the only one who finds all of this suspicious?"

"No, we all think it's suspicious, James," Lance pointed out. "But we don't have any of the answers so there's nothing we can do except wait for Sirius to wake up."

I saw a flicker of irritation flash across James' eyes. "If he wakes up at all," he muttered, his eyes darkening as he turned on his heel and stormed out of the room.

I watched Alice's eyes follow him out, the ends of her mouth tugged downward. "So I guess that answers the question of how James is doing," Alice murmured, resting her head against the top of her pillow with a sigh.

"He's…" I trailed off, not even sure what he is.

"He's struggling," Dezzy chimed in with a murmur. "His best friend is unconscious, his partner in crime just died, the girl he still loves won't talk to anyone, and none of us knew if you were going to make it out alive. He just wants to know what happened that landed us all here."

Alice frowned. "Lily won't talk to anyone?"

Sad silence hushed over the room, an incredible feat considering how many people were crammed in there. We all shared hesitant glances with each other as Alice looked up at us, concerned. "Speaking of people who are struggling," Remus eventually murmured, shaking his head sullenly.

Alice grimaced. "I can't imagine what happened to her in that attic," she muttered what we were all thinking.

Another round of awkward silence filled the room, all of us unable to even consider what had happened to her.

"So," Alice murmured, clearing her throat. "Is Sirius going to…"

"Wake up?" I finished when it was clear she couldn't say the words aloud.

She nodded.

Defeat settled into all of our expressions as I let out a sad sigh. "We don't know," I croaked out. "All we can do it what James said."

Alice fell back against her pillow. "We wait."

Whoever said patience was a virtue clearly hadn't been waiting to find out if their friend was going to live or die.

++REMUS++

I found James on his back patio, curled up in one of the Adirondack chairs. I stood in the back doorway, just staring at him, wondering what was going through his head. I knew he was hurt and scared and felt completely helpless, but since Lily had woken up, something had changed within him. And I couldn't quite pinpoint what it was.

I made my way over to him, dropping on to the Adirondack chair beside him. He barely glanced at me before returning his gaze back to his expansive backyard.

"He has to wake up."

I was surprised he spoke first. I let my gaze linger on the worry lines of his forehead, before blurting out, "What were you talking to Lily about this morning?"

James blinked before glancing over at me. "What?"

"I saw you go after her. What did you two talk about?"

He frowned. "Whatever happened to her on Sunday really changed her," he whispered, ignoring the question. "She's so cold and distant and bitter. It's unlike anything I've seen in her before."

"She was cold and distant and bitter after you two broke up."

"Not like this," he croaked. "There was no life in her eyes today. Her expressions were robotic and her words callous. She's-"

"Someone who was tortured for hours on Sunday," I spoke softly.

He flinched. "Don't…" he trailed off, shaking his head. "Please don't remind me."

I frowned. "I know she's pushing you away, but-"

"She's pushing all of us away."

I couldn't argue with him there. I sat back in the chair with a sigh. "I-I don't know if talking to her or leaving her alone is better," I admitted.

"I don't either," James whispered.

I couldn't help what I said next. "I think the only person that could even remotely get through to her right now is you."

He shot me a look. "Nothing has changed, Remus," he urged. "It doesn't matter what any of us went through on Sunday. It doesn't change what we were before then. She left without hearing me out. She didn't want to say good-bye. And let's not forget that she slept with…well, you know how that story goes."

"She nearly died," I argued hoarsely. "That changes people, James. Just because you don't know how to handle any of this doesn't mean you can revert back to the way things were on Saturday. You can't pretend as if nothing has changed when everything so clearly has."

"I don't want to talk about this, Remus," he snapped at me. "Right now, all any of us can do is just wait for Sirius to wake up. He's the one with the answers."

I couldn't help the exasperated scowl that spilled from my lips. "Have you learned nothing over the past few months, Prongs?" I groaned. "You can't just wait for things to fall into place. You have to do something about it. And frankly, I think you're the only person that might be able to help Lily through this."

"She doesn't want help!" James barked. "She certainly doesn't want my help. She's made that perfectly clear."

My brow furrowed. "What are you talking about?"

I sensed such burden in his hunched shoulders as he avoided looking at me. "I went after her and she didn't want me to. I wanted to find a way to forgive her and she didn't want me to. I…I loved her and she didn't want me to. For once, maybe I just need to give her what she wants."

I let out a hesitant sigh. "She doesn't know what she wants right now. She needs us to fight for her because right now she's not able to fight for herself. Not after what happened to her on Sunday."

James cringed instinctively at the reminder. "I don't know if there's anything we can do."

I paused, knowing that James might not like me after what I wanted to say. I said it anyway. "James, I think you're just saying that because even though we both know it's probably impossible for Lily to face what happened to her on Sunday, you're afraid to find out what might have happened to her. So instead of trying to help her, you're willing to let her push you away if that means you never have to know."

He said nothing for a long time, his eyes finding solace in the evening sky. I didn't know what he was thinking and I had a feeling he wouldn't tell me, but at least he hadn't completely bitten my head off for saying aloud what I knew he was only afraid of admitting.

"You saw what she looked like," he finally whispered, his voice barely audible.

"What?"

His bottom lip trembled as he slowly turned to face me. "When she came out of that house," he whispered, shaking his head. "She was barely recognizable. I just…I can't imagine what they did to her and frankly, I don't want to imagine it."

"I know," I spoke softly. "But I think she needs you right now."

He frowned. "I-I don't know about that."

I did but I knew there wasn't anything more I could do or say to make this situation any easier on either of us or on Lily. Nothing about any of this was easy. The world was at war and it often seemed like we were at war with one another as well. When would we ever just get a break? A day or even an hour of inner peace lacking all turmoil and tragedy. It seemed so impossible.

"Don't give up on her, Prongs," I said softly.

His brow furrowed as he slowly locked eyes with me. "I think she's the one giving up on herself," he whispered.

I tried to open my mouth and argue, but as I hadn't seen Lily once after her attack, I knew I wasn't the one to speculate.

Which was fine because as I was trying to form a response, James was picking himself off his chair and disappearing inside, signaling the end of our conversation.

Well, if he wasn't going to talk to Lily, I had to at least try.

++LILY++

I had never been a bitter person. I had always been rather forgiving and optimistic even when the moment didn't warrant it. Too many people had always focused on cynicism that I felt it necessary to always be hopeful. And yet now, all I felt was a mass of vehement anger coursing through my every vein. I felt seconds away from imploding, the pain in my heart and my soul so unbearable that it felt impossible to just breathe. And talking about what had happened to me was only going to make it worse.

No one would ever understand. I was the only one there. Me and the Death Eaters and Voldemort. What they did to me was traumatic and horrifying. When I tried not to think about it, it made the memories worse. When I did focus on it, everything inside of me shuddered with revulsion. I felt like yesterday's trash, tossed aside to be exposed for the scum I was. I felt worthless. Hopeless. Used and abused. Weak and pathetic.

It shouldn't have been Sydny who died. It should have been me.

"Lily."

I froze, glancing over my shoulder at Remus. "What are you doing-"

"Alice is awake."

That should have made me feel better, but it was just a reminder of everything that had transpired. She shouldn't have been unconscious to begin with. And Sirius was still wavering between life and death so who knew what his outcome would be. "Oh," I murmured with all the energy I could muster. "Good."

His brow furrowed. "That's it? Just 'good?'"

I felt my bottom lip tremble and had to force myself to think of anything but the past few days. "I'm so grateful she's alive," I admitted, forcing out a smile.

He perched on the end of my mattress. "Lily, you have to know that no one blames you for what happened. Do you hear me? We all made the choice to go after you. We knew that they would be expecting us. We knew it would be dangerous. But that didn't stop any one of us from coming after you. So don't blame yourself for-"

"I don't blame myself for what happened," I snapped, cutting him off. "I blame Sirius for coming after me."

He frowned hesitantly. "What?"

I picked myself up, leaning against the headboard. "The house was going up in flames and every floor was crumbling. He should have saved himself."

"If he did that, you wouldn't be sitting here."

"Yeah, well maybe I shouldn't be."

His eyebrows shot up in shock. "What?"

I hadn't meant to say that aloud so I attempted to deflect. "I had a lot of time to spend in that house as you already know. And I never once prayed that someone would come and save me, because I knew that if they did, they'd wind up dead right next to me. But you bonehead idiots decided to come up with the stupidest plan in history to walk headfirst into a total suicide mission."

"Lily-"

"Which is exactly what Voldemort wanted!" I snapped, my eyes blazing with anger. "Don't you get that? He wanted you all to come after me. He wanted your heads on a silver platter just like he had mine. And you morons walked right into his master plan!"

Remus frowned. "Technically, only Sydny, Sirius, and Alice walked right into his master plan."

If looks could kill, I'm pretty sure Remus would be dead right about now. "Be very glad that my wand is in the bedside table and not in my hand right now," I snarled.

He sighed. "Do you not think we didn't realize that this was all premeditated? Do you not think we were very much aware that we all could have and probably should have died? Do you not think the thought didn't cross our minds that this was all probably some sort of trap?"

"Then you are all a hell of a lot stupider than I thought."

Remus merely shrugged. "Here's the thing, Lily," he said hesitantly, his gaze falling towards the window above my head. "If the choice is to sit back and do nothing or fight for the people we care about, all of us would choose the latter every single time. Without each other, we'd have nothing to fight for in this war."

I could feel the tears collecting in the back of my eyes and I desperately tried to blink them away. I couldn't start crying now. If I did, I'd never stop.

"You can't honestly tell me, Lily, that if it was Sirius or James or myself or Kay in trouble, that you wouldn't have been the first one on the battlefront. You would die to save us so why are you so angry over the fact that we would do the same for you?"

Because I'm not worth saving.

It took everything inside of me not to let the tears spill out, flashes of Death Eaters maiming me invading my mind.

"I don't want to talk about this anymore," I snapped stubbornly. "Please just go, Remus."

"I hate seeing you like this," he blurted out.

You and me both, Remus.

"Like what?" I growled. "Like someone who was mutilated for six hours? Like someone who watched Sydny die? Like someone who was waiting for the fire to swallow them whole just for Sirius to swoop in and save the day like some type of indestructible martyr? Like someone who is watching their friend die a very slow and painful death in a hospital bed?"

"Lily-"

"Tell me, how am I supposed to be right now, Remus?" I cut him off angrily. "Happy to be alive? Grateful that Sirius risked his life for mine? Proud of Sydny for offering herself to Voldemort over me? Pleased that I got a second-"

"Wait, what?"

I met his shocked gaze. "What?"

He cocked his head to the side, visibly stunned. "Sydny offered to take your place?"

A shiver ran down my spine that covered my entire body in goosebumps. I grew white as the scene flashed back to me, with Sydny begging Voldemort to take her instead of me. I turned away from Remus' scrutinizing eyes as I tried to breathe evenly so as not to let the panic envelop me. "She…she said she was the one he wanted."

"But…why?"

I froze hesitantly, not sure I could expose Sydny's secret even post-death. Turns out, I didn't have to.

"Oh," Remus whispered, his breath hitching at the end of my bed. "Cindy Fevriello."

I jerked my head back to look at him. "You knew about that?"

"I only found out today."

I nodded feebly. "Well, she outed herself to Voldemort as some sort of bargaining chip. And it obviously backfired."

I could tell Remus was barely listening, the wheels in his head turning at the new information I provided.

I let the back of my head hit my pillow with a sigh. "She barely knew me," I muttered, mostly to myself. "And she begged Voldemort to take her instead of me. Why would she do that? Did she honestly think he'd agree to that? That wasn't a bargaining chip, it was a death sentence. She must have known that."

Remus turned away from me, the shock evident in his expression. He said nothing, but his eyes flitted about with curiosity until they stopped and grew wide with clear revelation. "Oh, my God," he whispered softly. "She was trying to protect James."

My expression grew grim with confusion. "What?"

"That's…that's why she chose the house she knew she'd find you in, keeping James away from it. That's why she didn't call for mass backup," he whispered hoarsely. I could tell he was more talking to himself than to me. "That's why she sent Sirius to get help while she trekked into the attic alone. It wasn't just about saving you. It was also about saving James."

I felt a slow chill run down my spine. "What…what are you talking about?" I dared to ask, the words barely audible. I hadn't been told any of the details of their mission attempt at coming after me. I hadn't wanted to hear it. But what Remus was saying didn't make sense.

I saw the goosebumps on Remus' arm matching those on my own arm as he turned to look at me. Slowly, he began to explain. "Mr. Potter was the one who took down Giovanni Fevriello. And since then, Voldemort has been after the Potter family. And all Sydny ever wanted to do was protect James because her father was the reason behind Voldemort's interest in him to begin with. So she took on Sirius' old lakehouse along with Sirius with the assumption you were there. She didn't call for backup because James would have been the first one in the house and he would have been the first one Voldemort turned against," he murmured. "I was right before when I said it had all been a trap, but it wasn't a trap to draw all of us in. It was a trap to draw James in. And she knew that and tried to stop it."

"And died in the process," I whispered. "She didn't have to offer herself over me. Why would that have been part of the plan?"

He frowned hesitantly. "If protecting James meant sacrificing herself to save the girl he loved, that was what she was going to do."

I opened my mouth to argue, but I found myself unable to do so. Was Remus right? Was this just yet another ploy to target James? Was I just a mere pawn in Voldemort's murdering games? Was Sydny trying to protect James more than me or even herself? Was Sydny the real hero in all of this?

Every inch of my body went numb at the revelation. I wanted to question it, but there was nothing to question. It all made sense. Why Sydny had been alone. Why Sirius was the only one who entered the house with her. Why she didn't want a mass patronus sent out. Why she offered herself for my safety. Both Sydny and Sirius knew what they were doing the whole time. They were there to protect James.

"You can't tell James," I whispered desperately, turning to face Remus with pleading eyes.

He met my gaze, but said nothing. I could see in his eyes that he agreed with my statement. If James knew the truth behind Sydny's death, he'd never forgive himself. He's already put so much blame on himself over some of the tragedies he's had to face over the course of the war. He had pushed so many people away because of it. He had made rash decisions because his guilt overpowered his hope. He let fear take over his every thought. And the idea that his coworker and confidante sacrificed herself to save him would only give him more reason to blame himself.

"Do you still love him?"

My mouth dropped open at the unexpected question. "What?"

He shrugged as if he hadn't asked an invasive question. "You're still protecting him."

My eyes narrowed hesitantly. "So are you."

"Yeah, but I'm not the one who walked away from him."

"He walked away first!"

"And he tried to fix it."

"It wasn't fixable!"

He smirked. "Wasn't fixable? As in past tense?"

I scowled. "Okay, you can go now."

He chuckled but didn't harp on it, letting the hesitant silence fill the room. "Lily."

I glanced up at him, sensing determination in his tone. "Yeah?"

"I know you don't want James to blame himself for what happened," he murmured. "But that doesn't mean it was your fault."

I winced, meeting Remus' reproachful gaze. It wasn't that I was blaming myself for what happened to Sydny or to Alice or to Sirius. Hell, to any of my friends who came after me. It was that they didn't seem to understand that I was ready to sacrifice myself in that house for the people I cared about. They didn't understand that I had not been expecting a second chance. I expected to die in that house. At some point I had welcomed it. They didn't understand that I had been begging for Voldemort to end it – end me – to stop the pain and suffering I had encountered for nearly seven hours straight. I had needed to stop thinking I had a chance to survive, the idea a mere fantasy by the end of the night. Because I knew in the darkest pit of my heart that if I continued to be strung along that it was a matter of time before my friends came looking for me and that had been the last thing I had wanted. They didn't understand that I had stayed alive for as long as I could until my brain shut down and my body could do nothing but give up. And in that moment, I knew that giving up was the answer to saving my friends. No one seemed to understood that I was ready to die so that they could live.

Well, of course they didn't understand. I hadn't told anyone that.

And I wasn't about to start.

"I appreciate the concern, Remus," I murmured, "but I can handle myself."

"You don't have to handle this all by yourself."

I sighed. Yeah, Remus, I do. "I really don't want to talk about this anymore," I pleaded.

He shot me a weary look. "Look, I won't pretend to understand what you must have gone through on Sunday, but shutting yourself off from everyone isn't the answer to forgetting. It's just going to-"

"Believe me, Remus," I spoke coolly, "I'll never be able to forget."

There it was. The desperate pity in his eyes I was actively trying to avoid from everyone. His eyes bore compassion, his expression showed guilt, his frown expressed hopelessness. I didn't want to be pitied. I didn't want to be commiserated with. I didn't want them to feel guilty. And I felt hopeless enough without them bearing that weight, too. I had enough I was trying to deal with without adding my friends' concern for me to my overwhelming struggles.

Remus was talking, but I had stopped listening as the feeling of desperately holding on long enough not to implode crept up once again. Remus being there was only making it worse.

"Please just go, Remus," I begged at one point.

Based on the shock in his eyes, I had a feeling I had interrupted him, but I didn't care. I needed him gone. I couldn't deal with him on top of everything else I was trying to deal with.

"Lily-"

"Please," I whispered, turning my back on him as I faced the wall.

A few minutes went by before I heard the rustle of his clothes, followed by some footsteps and eventually the closing of my door.

Only then did I let the tears fall.

++KEEGAN++

James had later returned to Hamadi's when he had heard Moody was on his way to question Alice about the events of the attack, but the moment he attempted to step foot in the hospital room when Moody was there, Moody sent him on his merry way and he ended up slumped beside me on the waiting room couch.

"How's Alice?" I asked him.

He shrugged. "Awake," he murmured.

Which meant she was in better shape than Sirius was.

"Have you been in to visit Sirius yet?"

I frowned before shaking my head. "No," I sighed. "Have you?"

He shook his head. "I-I don't know if he'd want me there."

"He would."

James merely shrugged. "He'd want you more."

I let out a quiet sigh. "I just…I can't go in there. Not yet anyway."

"Why not?"

I said nothing, not even sure I could explain it. I barely understood myself what was running through my head and my heart, so how was I supposed to relay that information to someone else. "I just can't," I muttered vaguely.

"Something tells me there's more to it than that."

Of course there was more to it. The guy who I had informed I was afraid of losing runs headfirst into a suicide mission only hours after I agreed to stay for him. I finally let my heart do all of the talking after years of hiding from it because that's what Sirius requested and my heart was yearning for him. I let my guard down even though the thought of doing so terrified me. I let myself be vulnerable to the possibility of love. And it lasted all of six hours before Sirius betrayed every fear I warned him about.

"I'm so angry at him," I blurted out in a hurt whisper, my fists clenching at my side.

James' brow furrowed. "What?"

I slumped down on the couch with a feeble sigh. "He begged me to stay for him. I never thought he would, but he did. He told me all the things I needed to hear, and even some things I was afraid to hear. And he…he told me he loved me," I whispered.

I saw James' eyes widen beside me. "He actually said that?"

Nodding, I glanced at him. "Yeah, he did."

James grew quiet, his eyes filling with curious hesitation. "You know he wouldn't have said that if he didn't mean it," he eventually said.

"I know," I murmured. "It's not that I don't believe him. I do. It's that seconds after he told me he loved me, I told him that I was scared of being with someone who I could lose as easily as I lost Tristan. Tristan hadn't seen it coming, but Sirius is heavily involved with the Order, James. I knew what that meant for him."

Slowly, James met my gaze, the realization settling into his expression. "And the day you decide you want to be with him anyway, he put himself on the frontline of a voluntary mission and because of it, he's now lying unconscious in a hospital bed."

I could only nod, the lump in my throat making it impossible to speak.

"Do you love him?"

I blinked, turning to James in surprise. "What?" I croaked out.

He shrugged. "Do you love him?"

I didn't know how to answer that. I stared at James like a deer in headlights, my eyes frozen in shock as my mouth hung open in wary hesitation. My thoughts clouded over with frustration and contempt for Sirius, but my heart was beating with so much aspiring angst that I didn't know what to say.

In an attempt to pull myself together, I muttered, "Ask me that again when he wakes up."

"I'm asking now."

"And I'm not answering now," I snapped. "I'm too angry at him to even remotely think about anything else. I had him for all of six hours before I lost him again. Six hours. I had just gotten through saying I was worried about him in the Order and it's like he had a total disregard for me and my feelings when he went off and nearly got himself killed! Hell, maybe he did get himself killed. Only time will tell."

"Keegan-"

"I'm so mad at him," I repeated in a hoarse whisper.

James reached out for my hand and squeezed it. "I think maybe you're just focusing on your anger because that's easier than dealing with the other emotions."

I opened my mouth to argue, but the words wouldn't form. I said nothing at first, letting the slight comfort of James' hand be enough to calm me down before saying, "I-I can't go into his room, James, or I'll take one look at him and suddenly it won't be anger I'll feel but heartbreak and grief, and I just…I can't promise you I won't completely break down if that happens. So yeah, maybe I am focusing on anger, but right now, it's a hell of a lot easier feeling angry than brokenhearted."

I didn't look at James, but I could feel his eyes on me. I suppressed the urge to cry then, knowing that if I started there was a good chance I wouldn't be able to stop.

"Okay," he whispered, removing his hand from mine and instead wrapping his arm around my shoulder and drawing me close to him. It was the first time that he and I shared in such an intimate gesture, but in that moment, it was exactly what I needed. Someone who didn't want to talk about it or who was there to urge me to visit Sirius or who wanted to be able to provide me with answers. I just wanted to continue sitting in that waiting room consumed by anger so as not to focus on anything else.

I breathed a sigh of relief as he said nothing more. "But, y'know," I murmured, "This doesn't mean you couldn't visit Sirius in his-"

"Don't push it, Rouge."

As feeble as it was, I actually felt myself smile.

++JAMES++

"I think you could use the push," Keegan said.

I blinked, glancing over at her. "Hm?"

"He could probably use some encouragement from you right about now."

Doubtful considering the last encouragement I gave him had me calling him a Death Eater. "I can't go in there," I muttered.

"Why not?"

That was the age old question, wasn't it. I didn't know why it was so hard for me to walk into Sirius' room. I had done it with Lily when I thought I couldn't. That should have been more difficult seeing our history. Then again, my history with Sirius wasn't all sunshine and roses. He was supposed to be my best friend and he slept with the love of my life. I called him a Death Eater and in the moment actually meant it. He was a traitor but so was I.

I said none of that. I simply sighed and shrugged and said, "Because I'm mad at him, too."

She glanced at me curiously before shaking her head. "No, you're not," she whispered. "You think you should be. But you're not."

"Of course I'm mad at him," I scowled.

"Because of what happened with Lily?"

I cringed. "Don't remind me," I muttered.

"James," she sighed. "He was drunk, she was vulnerable. He wanted to make her feel better, she wanted to forget. It was stupid, they were wasted off their asses, and I'm telling you that neither one of them are going to forgive themselves for what happened. But that's okay as long as you forgive them."

If only it was that easy. "How am I supposed to forgive them for that?" I whispered.

Keegan shrugged. "Because he's your best mate and she's the girl you're madly in love with," she said matter-of-factly. "And she wouldn't be alive if it weren't for him."

That was really what it boiled down to. Sirius risked his life to save Lily. But my biggest fear – a fear I hadn't admitted aloud to anyone, a fear that I was barely willing to admit to myself – was that Sirius was so willing to succumb to death because I had given reason to believe his life wasn't worth living. I told him he was just like his family. I said he was cold and callous and a total screw up. I called him a Death Eater.

Maybe it was completely selfish of me to think that Sirius offered his life because of what I said, but I couldn't let my last words to him be those of hatred and malice. He may have screwed up in the biggest way possible, but that didn't mean I wished him dead.

When I walked into Sirius' room, I didn't know what I had been expecting, but he looked so helpless and frail unlike anything I've ever seen in him before. Or maybe it was just me feeling helpless. He was the last piece of the puzzle – the last of us that had to come out of this alive so we could put this week behind us and move forward with our lives. Because we all really needed that. We needed something good to come out of what was otherwise a horrendous week.

"There have been days I hated you, Sirius," I eventually spoke to the limp body on front of me. "There have been days I've been so livid with you I couldn't see straight. There have been days I wanted to strangle you. Days where I called you anything but my best mate. But in between those days were the days where you helped me through the tough times. The days where you were there to tell me everything was going to be okay. The days where I wasn't sure I could get through them without you. You knew when I needed someone to talk to or when I just needed to drink the night away. You knew what I was feeling before I even felt it. You were there when I thought my whole world was crumbling around me to give me the strength to keep going. You were there. You've always been there. And I'm not afraid to admit that I'm pretty sure I need you in my life. We have had our share of troubles, but you're my best mate. Hell, you're my brother. So wake the fuck up mate, alright? Because while I was able to forgive you for pushing Snape towards Remus during a full moon and while I was able to forgive you for sneaking behind my back with Riley and while I…I am able to forgive you for sleeping with the only girl I've ever loved, I will never, ever be able to forgive you if you die when I need you most."

I felt the tears stinging in my eyes by the end, but I didn't care. He needed to hear it and I needed to say it.

And now I just needed him to wake up.

++ALICE++

I was already bored of the hospital. I felt completely healthy, but Stonebridge refused to release me until my immune system was back to normal. Evidently, if I left now and walked outside, the mere air could cause some sort of infection and kill me.

Alright, so maybe staying in the hospital was the right choice. But it didn't make me hate it any less.

"Morning!"

I smiled as Frank trailed through the door with two donuts in his hand. "I have to say, the Americans know how to stock their mediwitch lounge."

"You stole donuts from the mediwitches?" I groaned.

"Nah, they totally love me. Harriet snuck me two when no one else was looking."

"Well, gee, I'm unconscious for three days and you're already moving on to flirting with American mediwitches. Best fiancé ever."

Frank chuckled as he leaned over to kiss me, handing me a napkin and donut. "Hey, it got you a donut, did it not?"

I smiled, shifting over in the bed so that Frank could join me. "How's Sirius?" I asked with a hopeful approach. I already knew the answer because if something had happened, Frank wouldn't be joking about donuts.

"No change," he murmured, taking a bite of donut with a sigh.

I frowned. "It's been four days," I whispered.

"It's been three and a half."

I shot him a look.

"Three and a half sounds better."

"Does it?" I murmured.

He frowned, shaking his head. "No, not really."

A heavy silence filled the air as the two of us ate our donuts, trying not to reflect on how many more days Sirius had left before he would be pronounced dead.

The very thought sent a shudder down my spine.

"Frank, can you do something for me?"

"Always."

"I-I need to talk to Lily."

He frowned, wiping crumbs from his lap. "Remus said she refuses to come to the hospital."

"I know. But maybe she will if you tell her I have information on Sirius."

Frank blinked. "What? What kind of information?"

"Something Lily should know."

"Such as?"

I offered him an apologetic smile. "She should be the one to hear it."

Frank frowned, but didn't question it thankfully. "I'll try to talk to her, but I can't make any promises."

We chatted for a few minutes before he departed, leaving me with erratic thoughts and speculation once again. I honestly didn't know the whole story. I hadn't lied to James. Sirius refused to tell me what tricks he or Sydny had up their sleeves, but something was nagging me. We had an army of people in the near vicinity and Sirius refused to call for backup. And the moment I rushed into his old lakehouse behind him, I knew that the only thing that would give us the slightest attempt at surviving was backup. There were Death Eaters everywhere. They outnumbered us six to one. Sirius and I were good duelers, but we weren't that good. Not to mention that the entire house was crumbling around us. It had taken one too many volatile explosions. The walls were nonexistent, the floors cracked. I couldn't tell the kitchen from the living room. Half of the stairs were missing, making it rather difficult to even get to the second floor. How Sirius made it up to the attic I'll never know. Hell, how he made it out was even more of a miracle.

The Death Eaters started retreating fairly early as the house began to deteriorate. I had the thought to do the same, but there was no way I could leave Sirius, Sydny, and Lily behind if I had a chance to help them. Stunning a few lingering Death Eaters left and right, I had attempted to make my way towards the attic, but one step in the wrong direction had me plunging through the splintered ground on to the main floor. I had hit the ground hard and had a true struggle trying to keep my eyes open. But when I finally did, all I saw were flames. Everywhere. They had engulfed the basement in a matter of seconds and were threatening to take out the rest of the house. I could hear shouts upstairs but couldn't identify who they were coming from. I tried running to the stairs, but they were crumbling below my feet. I screamed out Sirius' name a few times in pure desperation, but I knew it was hopeless. My lungs were already filling with smoke and if I didn't make a run for it, I was going to end up as shish kabob.

How the hell Sirius and Lily made it out of that house alive, I'm not sure I'll ever really know.

When my door creaked open a few hours later, I was shocked and happy to see that it was Lily.

"Frank was able to convince you," I said to her with a smile.

Lily hovered in the doorway with a slight nod.

"Well, come in," I urged. "I won't bite."

She glanced at me warily before shutting the door behind her and wandering over to my bedside. "You're feeling okay?" she asked.

I nodded. "Yes, but I think we both know that's not why you're here."

She bit down on her bottom lip as she perched on the edge of the chair next to my bed. "I, uh…I wasn't sure I was going to come," she murmured. "I've been trying not to think about what happened on Sunday honestly. But I suppose my curiosity got the better of me."

"Did anyone tell you what had happened on Sunday from our perspective?" I asked curiously.

She nodded. "Remus sorta spelled it out for me."

I glanced at her, sensing such burden in her emerald eyes. "I…I can't be sure why Sirius or Sydny didn't want to send a mass patronus out. Seems to me they had some sort of plan up their sleeves that they refused to let anyone else in on."

Lily winced – only briefly – but I caught it. A wince that showed uncomfortable guilt. I narrowed my eyes at her. "Do you know what their plan was?"

"No," she said a little too quickly.

I frowned. She was hiding something, but I didn't question it. It's not like she would have been privy to any information that I hadn't been considering that only two people seemingly knew the master plan, and one of them was dead while the other was unconscious. "Before we rushed into the house again, Sirius said something to me," I murmured softly. "Something about you."

I saw the hairs on her arm stand up as she looked at me with fearful eyes. "Is this something I'll want to know?"

I hesitated before saying. "It's something you need to know."

"Sirius," I had said, crouched behind a bush on the outskirts of what I could clearly tell was a crumbling house. "Are you missing your wand?"

He glanced at me oddly before holding his up. "No. What kind of question is that?"

"Then why the hell aren't you sending a mass patronus out? If you know Lily is in that house, my guess is there are Death Eaters lining each room and there's no way the two of us will be able to fight against all of them."

He grew suspiciously quiet before saying, "Do you trust me, Alice?"

I frowned. "You know I do."

"Then can you please not ask me that question?"

I opened my mouth to argue, but the desperation in his voice stopped me. "There's a very good chance that the two of us will die in there," I pointed out.

It was so dark out, all I could see was the outline of his silhouette, but the heavy sigh that escaped his lips told me enough to know his expression was probably full of guilty desperation. "I'm going to try to get up to the attic. That's where Sydny and Lily are. You try to hold them off on the main floor."

"Sirius-"

"The moment things take a turn for the worse, you get the hell out, d'you hear me?"

"Sirius-"

"Run to the others, but do everything in your power to stop them from coming in after us. If things really are that bad, no one should be risking it."

"Except for apparently you?"

He said nothing at first. I waited for a response, until he finally said, "Can you do one thing for me?"

I frowned. "You've asked me to do a number of things for you already," I said with a hint of a teasing smile.

He clearly wasn't in the mood for a laugh. "This one's the most important."

I sighed. "Alright, what is it?"

"We're here for Lily," he whispered, his voice on the verge of breaking. "We're going to do everything in our power to get her out. She's our number one priority. If…if something happens to me, I need-"

"Nothing is going to happen to you," I insisted.

I could see him shaking his head at me. "If something happens to me," he trekked on, "you need to promise me you'll tell Lily-bean that she was worth dying for."

"Sirius!"

"She's going to hate herself and probably me and she'll blame herself should something happen to me, but she needs to know that I would risk my life for hers any day of the week. I won't regret it so neither should she."

My heart filled with a sense of fearful pride for the man sitting in front of me. The way he was talking made it seem like he felt he had no shot of coming out of this alive. As if that was the plan. The big master plan in saving Lily was sacrificing himself. Hell, I knew Voldemort would love to be able to take out the traitor in the Black family one day, but that day couldn't be today.

"Sirius-"

"Promise me you'll tell her that."

"No," I argued hoarsely, shaking my head. "Because everything is going to be fine."

He said nothing as he glanced towards the house. "C'mon, let's get inside," he murmured, pulling himself off the ground as he headed towards the back door.

"No!" I cried out, grabbing his arm. "You are not leaving things like this! You are not allowed to go into that house with the mentality that something bad is going to happen to you. That's a recipe for disaster and you know it."

Once again he said nothing. The slightest light from the moon against his face showed a frown creeping into his jawline. "I don't have the mentality that something bad is going to happen," he eventually said. "I just know I'll do whatever it takes to get her out of this house alive. She deserves to live."

"And you don't?" I snapped.

He winced. "Just make sure you tell Lily what I told you if something goes wrong," he muttered.

"Sirius-"

"Oh, and one last thing," he hastily added, his voice now resembling that of desperation. "Tell Keegan I'm sorry."

"Please stop-"

"C'mon, we need to get inside."

"SIRIUS!"

But he was already pushing himself through the back door. I had no other choice but to follow him.

When I was done, I wasn't surprised to feel the tears stinging in my eyes. And it wasn't surprising to see Lily's cheeks stained with tears as well.

"Those…those were his last words?" she choked out, the words hoarse against her tongue.

I nodded solemnly. "To me at least," I murmured, the memory incredibly visible in my mind.

I could see her attempting to hold back the tears, but she was unsuccessful as her eyes welled up and another set of them slipped down her cheeks. "He was wrong," she murmured, her bottom lip trembling.

"About what?"

She didn't respond, but I hadn't really expected her to. She was either claiming he was wrong that her life was worth saving or she was claiming he was wrong that she hated him and herself for what happened. Either way, she wouldn't own up to it. Not to me.

"Why…" she trailed off in a hurt whisper. "Why was he so willing to sacrifice his life for mine? Why?"

A question that was on all of our minds. "Because that's who he is," I whispered knowingly. "He knows what it's like to be tortured by a world of Dark Arts and he's going to save anyone from having to go through the same suffering he once endured."

That only caused another round of tears to blur in front of her eyes. "I know he doesn't want me hating him, but that would be a lot easier if he was alive," she muttered, her bottom lip trembling.

I nodded in agreement. "I know that all of this must be pretty difficult on you," I whispered, not even wanting to think about what she must have endured in that house for hours. "But you have to know that if given the opportunity, Sirius would do it exactly the same all over again if it means you get to live."

She said nothing, just letting the tears do the talking instead.

We sat in silence, both of us clearly reflecting on Sirius' last words. They held a lot of weight. I hoped they gave Lily the ability to stop inwardly torturing herself with guilt. I didn't want to watch her self-destruct. She was too strong for that. Maybe she didn't think so, but clearly Sirius did. And I did, too.

"You know what's ironic?" she eventually murmured as she picked herself up the chair and headed towards the door. "If given the opportunity, I wouldn't do any of it the same. I'd go back and do it all differently."

My eyebrow shot up curiously. "Oh? Like what?"

She frowned, her hand on the doorknob, as she turned around to look me in the eye. "Well, for one, I would have actually listened to whatever James wanted to say to me instead of stepping foot into that fireplace."

My mouth hung open in surprise, but before I could comment, she was gone.

++LILY++

Last words.

I sat out in the waiting room after my conversation with Alice, wondering if last words really meant anything except the finality of a lifetime of memories. Who could sum up their life in just a sentence or two? Sirius deserved better than using his possible last moments worrying about me and Keegan. He deserved to remember all the good he's done with his life. Though maybe he's always been so focused on the bad that the good was merely clouded by regret. Maybe he didn't want to remember his life. Maybe he felt it was better for me to live on so that I could be given the opportunity to remember my own.

I didn't know why Sirius did what he did or why he said what he said. Maybe I'd never know. But so much of me still hated the fact that he felt so desperate to keep me alive that he didn't bother valuing his own life. His life was worth something, but he clearly had not been convinced. And instead of giving himself a chance to believe in himself, he chose to cast his own values aside for the protection of my feelings and Keegan's feelings.

Last words. What did they ever really mean? Would anyone ever really know?

"Lily?"

I jumped, glancing up at the unexpected interruption. "Keegan," I said, realizing that I hadn't once thought of her since I woke up. Kay had informed me Keegan and Sirius were dating, which had thrown me for a curve momentarily, but I hadn't thought of them since Kay had mentioned it. Kay told me that Keegan had been pretty much hiding out in Hamadi's since Sunday, only leaving to take a shower or grab food when someone forced. It explained why I never really saw her in our apartment. I was temporarily staying there until I figured out my next steps.

She took a seat beside me and I took that chance to glance at her surreptitiously. In short, she looked terrible. Her eyes were bloodshot, her hair was pulled back in a greasy ponytail, and she had bags under her eyes that pretty much told me she has gotten little sleep over the past few days. Her face was flushed with worry, the crease lines evident in her forehead. She had always been so confident, and this girl in front of me was just scared and alone.

Two things I very much felt myself.

"What are you doing here?" she murmured.

I frowned. "Talking to Alice," I muttered.

She merely nodded. "I was under the impression you were avoiding this place."

"I was. She convinced me to come."

"Mm."

She leaned back in the chair, shutting her eyes with a heavy sigh. I felt awful for her. It was so clear how much she cared for Sirius and I knew all too well what it felt like to watch someone you cared about hang in the balance of life and death. I felt so helpless at the prospect that he was sitting in that hospital bed because of me. He risked his life for me, but as much as he thought it was worth it, I wasn't so sure. One look at Keegan had me wondering why he didn't feel the need to save his own life for her. She deserved better. She had already lost one guy because of Voldemort. She couldn't lose another. I wasn't so sure she'd be able to bounce back from that.

"Hey, Keegan?"

Her eyes fluttered open as she turned to look at me. "Yeah?"

"Has Alice told you what Sirius' last words to her were?"

Her face grew whiter than it already was, her eyes filling with hesitant panic. "No," she whispered. "Am I going to want to hear them?"

I paused because I wasn't sure of the answer to that question. "He told Alice to tell you he was sorry," I blurted out.

I could practically see her heart breaking just looking at the grief in her eyes. She was fighting back tears as she turned away from me, blinking furiously. "What a fucking jackass," she choked out.

Well, those weren't the words I was expecting. But I couldn't help but agree. "I know," I whispered.

"He shouldn't have to be sorry," she murmured in a hurt whisper. "He should be here."

My heart was twisting with shame as I turned away from her. "I know," I whispered, the tears prickling the side of my eyes. "Believe me, I know."

I could feel her eyes on me, but I found a small stain on the tiled floor and focused on it, forcing the tears to remain inside my eyes. I couldn't cry now. Not in front of her.

But the moment she reached for my hand, I couldn't hold them back anymore. They slid down my cheeks slowly and I didn't bother reaching up to wipe them away. "It's not your fault, Lily," she spoke softly.

I barely heard her, my thoughts once again resting on everything that Alice had just told me. How Sirius was convinced my life was worth saving. How he would do it again. How he wouldn't regret it. I had been convinced I didn't blame myself, but how could I not? He was wavering between life and death because he risked his life to save me? So it was my fault. No matter how many people told me it wasn't, it was.

"If I could trade places with him, I would," I pleaded, turning towards Keegan with nothing but shame and guilt etched into my expression.

Her eyes grew shocked. "Don't say that," she urged, squeezing my hand. "No matter how upset and hurt I am, I've never once wished it was you over him."

Well, that made one of us.

I left Keegan in the waiting room, though I think I was able to convince her to go home and take a shower. I knew that even though she refused to go in and see Sirius, she still felt compelled to stay and be by his side. She had nowhere else to go. No one else to turn to. She had given her heart to Sirius, something she never thought she'd ever do again, and he turned around and made her feel as if her heart didn't matter to him. It didn't matter that he wanted Alice to tell Keegan he was sorry. He shouldn't have had anything to be sorry for. It should have been Keegan he put first, not me. He shouldn't have used his last thoughts and words on us. He should have used them on himself.

Last words.

How was anyone supposed to sum up an entire world of emotions in just one final sentence? How could anyone really express their every thought and feeling in just a couple of words? Sirius thought he was making me feel better by telling me his reasons behind saving me. He thought he was giving Keegan closure by making her feel as if he did think of her in his last moments. But if he had really honestly thought about what Keegan and I wanted, it wouldn't have been this.

In my mind, pursuing the eloquence and finality that is intended by last words was just the framework for disappointment. Actions spoke louder than words. Sirius putting himself in a hospital bed was a slap in the face to Keegan and it was a guilt trip to me. It didn't matter what he said. It meant nothing without him here to defend himself.

Fuck his last words. And fuck him for needing them.

"Lily?"

I froze at the end of the hallway, slowly turning around. "What are you doing here?" I muttered.

"Where else would I be?" James muttered from where he sat in one of the waiting room chairs.

I watched as James rested his head against the wall with a sigh. I sensed such burden in the single gesture and suddenly found myself wondering exactly what was running through his mind. If it was anything like what was running through mind, I could only imagine how helpless he felt.

And as I stared at him I couldn't help but ponder the implication of last words once again, but this time it wasn't Sirius I thought about. If was James and what our last words to each other could have been instead of what they had been.

Sirius couldn't defend his last words. But I had never even given James the opportunity to say his.

I had tried pretending as if I didn't care what James may have said to me in the Ministry, but if I had died in that house, I knew deep within my heart that I would have regretted not being able to have that last conversation with James. He didn't know it, but he had been the one keeping me alive for as long as I had. I had held on for as long as I could with him as my motivation. I had thought pushing James away was the answer to accepting the fact that I chose to step into that fireplace instead of listen to what he had to say, but after hearing what Sirius had to say in his last possible moments, I knew I couldn't hide anymore.

I felt so confused and ashamed over what had happened to be in that attic on Sunday. I had thought that that was what I was so angry about. Why I had yelled at James and pushed him away. Why I forced Remus out of my room. Why I refused to face Sirius. Why I had been so hesitant to talk to Alice. I thought it was all just a big fat reminder of the brutal torture that had been afflicted upon me for endless hours. But all it was a reminder of was the fact that during all of that torture, I had spent every waking moment thinking of one person only.

It wasn't just the pain and torture I endured that I had to face. It was also James.

"Why'd you come after me?" I eventually whispered.

I saw his brow furrow as he turned to face me hesitantly. "Are you talking about at the Ministry?" he murmured. "Or America?"

That was a good question. "I don't know," I admitted.

He didn't say anything and I was grateful, because honestly, I wasn't entirely sure what I was doing there. I had so much I wanted answers to but didn't want to ask the questions. My heart still ached for him, but it was still putting itself back together after he broke it. I was still that scared little girl up in the attic pleading for someone to either save me or put me out of my misery.

"I'm always going to come after you, Lily," he eventually said.

He left it at that, saying nothing more on the matter, but in a way it summed up our entire relationship. No matter what we were going through, we'd always be there for each other. I suppose love did that to people even months after they had broken up.

"You know what I kept thinking about when I was holed up in that attic wondering if I was going to live or die?" I finally spoke, my voice laced with helplessness.

He stiffened, peeking out of the corner of his eye at me fearfully. "What?" he whispered.

"What your last words to me would have been had I actually stayed and listened to you instead of getting inside that fireplace."

When I turned to him, his mouth had formed a stunned O shape as he stared blankly at me.

"It's why I held on for as long as I did," I admitted hoarsely, turning to face him. "Because so much of me wondered what you had intended on telling me. I…I kept thinking of a million scenarios. What you would have said. What I would have said. If I would have stayed. My every thought came back to you. So I held on as long as I could, desperate not to let my last words to you be about what happened between me and Sirius. Needing there to be more for us."

He looked like a deer in headlights and expectedly so, considering just a couple days ago, I was snapping his head off and now I was laying my heart on the line for him.

"My life had been worth fighting for because of you," I continued, locking eyes with him. My heart racing, I whispered, "But in the end, it had also been worth dying for."

Shocked, his eyes clouded over with shame. "Don't say that," he pleaded.

"Why not?" I urged. "Out of anyone, I assumed you'd understand that desperate need to protect those you love."

He opened his mouth to argue but said nothing. I wasn't surprised. He had very few defenses when it came to that statement. "I can't protect the people I love if they're dead," he eventually murmured.

My heart skipped a beat, my eyes still trained on him. I knew his sentiment exactly. I murmured, "You broke up with me because you would have done anything to keep me safe. How is my willingness to give up my life for you any different?"

"For one, we both get to live in my scenario," he murmured.

I turned to glare at him. "We're both living now, aren't we?" I muttered.

His forehead creased as panic settled into his expression. "If Voldemort had his way, you wouldn't be."

I frowned. I wanted to say that if Voldemort truly had his way, it would have been James dead, not me. But I didn't say that because he would have wanted to know more and I couldn't tell him.

I thought back to my conversation with Remus, at the revelation that Sydny and probably Sirius, too, had made every decision around the sole practice of protecting James. And me, too. James had been my motivation to stay alive as long as I did, but he had also been my motivation to welcoming the idea of dying. If giving up my life meant that he had nothing to come after to fall into Voldemort's trap, then that was something I was willing to accept. If I had died, there would be nothing for him to save anymore except himself. I had held on for hours thinking that I needed to stay alive for him. Knowing he was torturing himself over potentially losing me. But as I slowly started to weaken both physically and emotionally, I knew that maybe the best thing I could do for him was let go. He needed to stop thinking his sole job was to live my life. It was time he just lived his own.

It was ironic that for months, James had been so keen on protecting me, and here we all were just trying to do the same for him.

I neglected to say any of this. I wasn't so sure any of it mattered anyway. Instead, I thought about the future. A future I was certain on Sunday I wouldn't get to live. A future that actually held promise and hope when once upon a time it felt so bleak. But I had been given a second chance.

I had thought that nothing had changed. That one attack couldn't suddenly erase the past. But it wasn't about the attack. It was about the people who sacrificed their lives to protect the people they cared about. I had hated the fact that James spent so much time thinking he had to protect me, but that's what you did with the people you loved. It was unavoidable. I'd never stop worrying about him, so I couldn't expect him to do the same with me. We were in the middle of a war where death was unfortunately inevitable.

But we had something to fight for: each other. That was what life was all about. Living and breathing every minute in because there were people worth living for.

"Lily?"

I jumped at the sound of his voice, not expecting it. "Yeah?"

"I-I think you should know what I wanted to say to you on Sunday at the Ministry."

My heart froze, my brain reeling a mile a minute. "James-"

"I don't know if it will help you, but you deserve to know what my last words to you would have been if…if something would have happened to you."

Last words.

The two simple words were a knife to the gut as I thought about Sirius still lying unconscious in a hospital bed because of me. He had claimed I had been worth saving and while I wasn't entirely convinced, I knew that he'd be here screaming in my ear to give James a chance to explain himself. So ignoring the loud thumping of my heart, I turned to James and slowly nodded. "Okay," I whispered as I wandered over to where he was sitting and sat down on the chair beside him.

He was clearly taken aback, expecting me to say no, but he nodded and slowly sat up. Turning to me, he said, "I-I mean, I didn't exactly have anything planned at the time. Nor now really."

I furrowed my brow. "So far, great start."

He cracked a smile, meeting my gaze. "We've made a lot of mistakes, Lily. I could take the full blame or I could try and put it on you, but frankly, I think we both have to take fault for our less than admirable actions."

I wanted to argue with him, but truth was, I actually agreed.

He turned to me, determination resting in his eyes. "I looked you in the eye and I told you I didn't love you," he said bluntly.

I frowned. "Yeah," I murmured. "I think I remember that."

"I-I lied to you."

"Once again, pointing out the obvious."

He smiled. "You wouldn't have been this snarky on Sunday."

"You wouldn't have wasted your time telling me things I'm already aware of."

He hesitated before nodding. "You're right," he murmured, running his fingers through his shaggy hair like he often did when nervous. It put a smile on my face. "I hurt you in the worst possible way and it doesn't matter how I did it or what you did to hurt me, it just matters that I made you believe the man you spent four years falling in love with took that all away in a matter of seconds. I had my reasons for doing what I did, but that doesn't necessarily mean they were ideal in any way. You deserved better from me. Hell, you deserve better than me, but I think we've both come to realize that no matter what happened between us, we always manage to find a way back to each other. Me because you're the girl who captivated my attention as a mere eleven-year-old and you've held on to it ever since. You because I'm the guy who gave you a reason to let your guard down and be someone other than the girl afraid of exposing her tragic past. We were meant for each other. And I know I screwed that up. I know I let this war come between us. But I had let my fear run my life instead of love. But if I have to choose which one should alter my future, I'm ready to choose love. So I'm not ready to give you up, Lily. I…I can't let you go without one last fight. I know that I let myself stop fighting for you momentarily back in January, but I'm here now. I'm making up for my failures and I will make it up to you every second of every day for the rest of our lives if you just let me love you again. Because I'll never stop. You're the one for me. And while I'm very much aware that you deserve better than me, I really hope that you'll still let me be the one for you. Give me another chance, Lily, because I promise you I won't screw it up this time."

My mouth hung open as I stared into his pleading eyes, ignoring the loud thumping of my heart. I opened and shut my mouth a few times, unable to wrap my head around what I was supposed to say. "That's what you call not having a plan on what to say?" I sputtered.

He let out a nervous smile, turning his gaze towards the floor tiles. "Yeah, well, I've had four days to think about it considering this was intended for Sunday."

My expression turned hesitant. "Right," I muttered. "Sunday."

He actively avoided looking at me, which was fine, because I couldn't look at him either. I wanted to ask him if he still meant those words, but I wasn't entirely sure what I wanted the answer to be. Did I still love James? Yes, a part of me always would. But how cliché would it be for me to suddenly realize what and who my heart truly ached for only days after a near-death experience? It couldn't be that easy. There were still so many unknowns. So many things lingering between us. Too much had happened between us. Too much had happened to me.

And yet…

"You still wanted to be with me after what happened between me and Sirius?" I blurted out.

He froze, slowly turning to look at me. "I was more hoping that point of contention wouldn't come up," he murmured.

I frowned hesitantly. "I'm not the only one who has to find forgiveness."

He winced, pressing his lips together pensively. "Does the idea of you and Sirius together make me want to poke my eyes out with a very sharp knife? Yes," he grunted. "But you wouldn't have done what you did if I hadn't given you a reason to. So I guess in the end, it all comes back to your forgiveness."

My brow furrowed curiously. "So…" I trailed off. "Just like that, it was supposed to be up to me whether we could be together again?"

"I know I didn't deserve it, but I just wanted to believe you and I could have had a fresh start."

"Fresh starts don't just happen, James."

He shot me a curious look. "Oh? Was that not the whole reason you were whisking yourself off to America?"

"No, I was whisking myself off to America so I could be held hostage by Death Eaters."

He turned to me, stunned, but his lip twitched upward in outward amusement when he saw the smirk on my face. It wasn't funny. It shouldn't have been. But his potential last words to me were maybe just what I needed to move on from what happened on Sunday.

"That is so not funny," he eventually said.

"Says the guy smiling."

"You smiled first!"

I couldn't help but grin, finding so much comfort in our witty banter. As if things could be okay again. One day. "You think we could really do that?"

"Smile? Evidently, yes."

I rolled my eyes. "Have a fresh start."

He nodded, glancing at me out of the corner of his eye. "Yeah, I really think we could. A lot has happened between us, Lily, but…" he trailed off, searching for the right words to say. "But a lot more has happened outside of us. There are far bigger things going on in this world besides you and me."

I couldn't have said it better myself. He was right. We had had our share of issues, but this war was bigger than that. We needed each other if we were going to survive. We need people in our corner fighting for us so that we could fight for ourselves. We both just deserved to give each other a break. I had assumed that nothing had changed because of Sunday, but the truth was everything had. We needed each other more than we'd ever really be willing to admit.

"Thank you, James," I murmured.

He hesitated. "For what?"

I hesitated before offering him a smile I had been holding in for so long. One of gratitude and appreciation. Of compassion and even love. "For telling me what you were planning to say to me on Sunday," I urged. "I…I think a part of me had lived so I could hear that."

His smile slowly faded as his eyes bore a hole through mine. He opened his mouth, but no words came out. Eventually, he shut it and turned his gaze on to the ceiling. "Yeah," he murmured. "You're, uh…you're welcome."

I had a strong suspicion that he wanted to know what my reaction would have been, but I was grateful he didn't ask. I had a feeling he didn't ask because he was afraid what I might have said, and I couldn't help but agree with him. I didn't know if knowing what he had wanted to say was supposed to make a difference. I didn't know if I was supposed to want to be with him or just be happy that he finally realized love could be enough during this war. I didn't know if I was supposed to listen to my heart or my head. Hell, I didn't even really know what either were saying.

But so much of me was afraid to find out. So instead of listening to either my head or my heart, I chose to climb off the chair and head out of the waiting area.

"Are you still going to Philadelphia?"

I frowned unevenly, slowly turning around to face him. He was now standing, too. I felt my heart fill with uncertainty as I let myself lock eyes with him. "Are you still going on that training mission?" I murmured.

He took a hesitant step back. His eyes filled with guilt before he let out a meek nod.

I expected that to be his answer. Just because he told me what his heart believed on Sunday didn't mean that on Thursday, any of it made any difference. Too much had happened between us. Between everyone. We were mentally incapacitated and physically beat. The present enveloped us with shame and heartbreak and defeat as we looked towards a hopeful future. But in that moment – that present moment where Sydny was dead and Sirius was still unconscious – nothing else mattered but that. They were now our strength to move on. We were no longer each other's strength like we once had been. Maybe we were ready to put the past in the past, but that didn't mean we could erase it.

"Good-bye, James," I whispered, hesitantly reaching out and pressing a kiss against his cheek before turning around and rushing out of the waiting area.

I felt the tears collecting in my eyes as I rushed off, still feeling so much fear and panic that was only there because of Sunday. There was still so much about that day that James didn't know. That no one knew. I didn't know if I wanted to go to Philadelphia, but maybe I still needed that fresh start for myself. Maybe I needed to get away.

Or maybe what I needed was the one thing I just said good-bye to.

"Don't go to Philadelphia."

I froze in the corridor, slowly turning around to face James. "What?"

His bottom lip trembled as he shook his head desperately. "Don't go to Philadelphia," he pleaded.

I felt the tears collecting in my eyes as I slowly met his gaze. Everything inside of me was screaming in that moment. I had felt the need to know what his last words to me would have been, and I got so much more than I expected. But was it enough? Could it be enough? Was my heart ready to forgive him for the mistakes he made?

It only took a second for me to realize that the moment he told me everything he had intended to say on Sunday, my heart had already forgiven him. There was nothing in our way anymore. He told me everything he felt in his heart and I let him. I let him say the things I had avoided just four days earlier, but that's what surviving a near-death experience did to you. You thought and felt things in a different way than you ever thought possible before.

"Give me one good reason why I should stay."

The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.

"What?" he choked out.

I felt my heart begin to race as I met the curiosity in his gaze. "Tell me why I should stay," I whisper. "Tell me why I shouldn't go to America. Give me one good reason why I shouldn't step into that fireplace again."

He stared at me, recognizing the heavy implication in my words. I didn't say anything else. I just stared at him, waiting for him to give me all the reasons I would need to not move across the Atlantic Ocean. All the reasons I was afraid to face. All of the reasons I had once been so willing to cast aside just to get away from him. But maybe all the reasons I had turned my back against were all of the reasons I needed to stay.

Hesitantly, he cleared his throat and said, "Well, for one, their Ministry security kinda sucks."

Looking up at him in shock, I was relieved to see a hint of a smile perched on his lips. I smiled, too, thankful for his usual ability to lighten any sort of tension.

And two?" I asked in a hoarse whisper.

"And two…" he trailed off, looking down at me with an odd sense of nerves settling into his hazel eyes. He opened and shut his mouth a few times, blinking nervously as he dared to look down at me. The tension between us was undeniable as our eyes met in a frenzied desperation. I could see he was struggling with what he could possibly say to make up for the last few months. Sorry didn't seem like enough. I knew that sentiment all too well, but I said nothing as I waited for him to determine what the right words were.

But he said nothing at all. Instead, he kissed me.

A/N: Gotta love a good cliffhanger... No? Just me? Yep, go ahead and hate me. I kinda do myself.

So we've got James forgiving Sirius. Keegan unable to come to terms with the fact that hours after she got together with him, he nearly offs himself - wonder what's going to happen to them next. We've got Remus providing Lily with all the information she didn't think she wanted. We've got Lily feeling worthless and guilty and confused. And then we have James desperate to keep Lily around. Hence that awesome kiss.

What will happen next? Stay tuned...