Chapter Sixteen: The Conclusion of the Three-part Vampire Voldemort Story Arc
"Ha ha ha ha!" Vampire-Voldemort laughtered, emerging from Goyle like a misshapen puppy would emerge from its father.
"You're a Vampire-Voldemort," Hagrid said.
"At last you have revealed yourself," Professor Dementor said, extending his robe towards the terrifying apparition.
"What is this thing?" Harry asked, horrified beyond all rational speech.
"This is a Vampire-Voldemort. It is a creature of no soul, formed whenever a nearly soulless Voldemort encounters a vampire. Drawn to the void of the vampire, the nearly soulless Voldemort devours the creature and becomes a being of pure purity and evil."
Hermione nodded, having recently read just that in her book Vampires, they're a thing now.
"Yes, your information is correct my second-oldest foe," Vampire-Voldemort said, his lengthy hyphenated name causing many of the gathered students pause, as their brains took longer to process that name than a smaller one would have, like Greg. "But it is also incorrect!"
"And how is that?" Professor Dementor asked, his dark voice penetrating the souls of all present, especially Vampire-Voldemort.
"With the gallant sacrifice of this valiant Slytherin," the Darkest of Dark Lords said, gesturing at the mangled remains of Visible Goyle, "I am reborn into my full strength. Even my earlier defeat at the hands of Dudley Dursley is rendered null and void, making his death in vain!"
Harry was flabbersmacked at this terrible noise. Discovering that Dudley had died for literally no reason was just as bad as finding out Dudley had died. And this realization caused Harry to realize that he was still upset about Dudley dying, and so he began a powerful cry of sorrow and despair.
"Ha! Potter cries like his parents are dead!" Malfoy said, absorbing some of Vampire-Voldemort's aura of dickishness. The mighty insult, boosted by Draco's natural affinity for insults, struck Harry in the center of his scar, flooring him and leaving him vulnerable to Vampire-Voldemort.
"Now your tender eyes and also soul are mine!"
"No!" said a mysterious voice as a dark hooded figure stepped between Harry and the Vampire-Voldemort.
"Wait a second," Harry blubbered between his tears, "I know that soul-draining presence. You're not a mysterious dark hooded figure at all! You are-"
"Professor Dementor," the professor finished, having finally arrived to do battle with his ancient foe.
With a curse, Vampire-Voldemort flung his head at the professor, his fangs gaping wide and dripping with the promise of Dementor blood.
Dodging the curse, Professor Dementor stuck his hand in his robe and pulled himself inside out, deftly avoiding the strike. While the Vampire-Voldemort was stunned and confused, Professor Dementor pulled himself back in and stuck his hand inside Malfoy.
"Argh!" Malfoy said, feeling weird.
"What are you doing Professor Dementor?" Vampire-Voldemort demanded. The professor did not answer, instead Malfoy did.
"Foolish Vampire. You have no parents!"
Vampire-Voldemort was aghasted at having Malfoy use his brand of insulting magic on him. "What is this sorcery?"
"Professor Dementor has Demented my mind and is using my talents against you, you nose-covered charlatan."
"Curses! I was not prepared to deal with this type of magic."
It seemed like Vampire-Voldemort was rendered powerless before this overwhelming assault and all present knew that Malfoy was only beginning to unleash his true insulting might, as a tornado of insults and derision had not even yet formed.
Suddenly Hagrid jumped in, providing Vampire-Voldemort a much needed distraction.
"You're a vampire, Hagrid" said.
Everyone turned to look at the distraction, and while they did, Vampire-Voldemort carefully extracted Draco Malfoy's back from Professor Dementor, while leaving the rest of the boy intact.
"Oh no," Professor Dementor said, foiled. "I have been foiled."
Or so he wanted everyone to think. When they weren't looking, stunned by his foiledness, he withdrew his robe and plunged his Dementor's Kiss straight at Vampire-Voldemort!
"Rargh!" Vampire-Voldemort said, as Professor Dementor extracted his soul. "Or rather, rargh is what I want you to think!"
Professor Dementor gasped as the soul extraction failed!
"Professor Dementor, you fool!" Hermione said, startling everyone with her rudeness towards a teacher. "Remember how earlier you said he doesn't have a soul! Your signature technique is useless!"
Vampire-Voldemort laughtered again. "That small boy is correct; you have fallen into the classic trap of forgetting to remember the thing that you have said!"
Professor Dementor was reeling. Both his Possessed Malfoy and Soul Extraction technique had been thwarted, and Vampire-Voldemort seemed just as powerful as before. In fact, he seemed even more powerful as he was currently devouring Goyle, much like a memory devours thought.
Suddenly, with a speed that belied its quickness, the devoured Goyle arose.
"I will not be consumed!" Goyle shouted, unleashing a mighty punch of such awesome power it was if the sun had exploded into the moon.
"Rargh!" Vampire-Voldemort said, this time for real. "How did you know my weakness?!"
"There's a lot of things one can learn when being eaten, and sometimes weaknesses is one of those things!" Goyle said.
"He's right!" Hermione said. "I just read that in a book."
"What book?" Ron asked.
"I can't remember the title. It was a pretty boring book."
"It'll take more than exploitation of my weakness to face-punching to defeat me!" Vampire-Voldemort growled, biting Goyle in half.
"How about the sacrifice of a beloved Hogwarts Professor?" Professor Dementor said.
"Professor Snape?" Harry asked, pointing at the man lurking in the background of the scene.
"No Harry, he still has not completed Professor School. I am the only option."
Everyone nodded and agreed as Professor Dementor billowed to Vampire-Voldemort.
"No! Against this valiant sacrifice, my Vampiric powers are useless! USELESS!" Vampire-Voldemort cried out as Professor Dementor exploded like a barrel of fish filled with dynamite that failed to explode upon being lit because the barrel was also full of water and that shorted out the fuse, so Professor Dementor was forced to replace the water with gasoline, but didn't realize that the high magical interference from Hogwarts would cause Muggle Gasoline to fail so that explosion also didn't go off and he had to stop by the Hogsmeade Grocery and Fish Supply Store also known as HGFSST, which also sold magical gasoline and muggle dynamite, so by discarding the muggle dynamite and using the magical gasoline he was finally able to blow up the barrel of fish and defeat Vampire-Voldemort.
"NOOOOO!" Harry cried, both at seeing his favorite professor die and also at being completely covered in fish chunks. Hannah Abbott was pretty okay with the whole fish thing though.
"Well it looks like this one is a draw Potter," Snape said, swooping in and reparoing Draco. "You may have stopped the Dark Lord this time, but you also lost the second wisest being of our age, after Dudley. Now the smartest person on your side is Dumbledore, and he is no Dudley Dursley or Professor Dementor."
"I may not be that," Dumbledore said, teleportaling out of Neville. "But I can teleportal in and out of Hogwarts. For your callous mention of those two noble souls that Harry is very sad about…I am taking ten points from Slytherin."
"You can't take points from Slytherin because of me!" Snape snarled. "I am a professor!"
"Not yet," Dumbledore said, winking at Harry.
Everyone laughtered.