Recommendation: This chapter's recommended fic is "The Lily Potter Foundation" by theflyinfoote. It's after the final battle, and Harry is wondering what to do with himself. Many of his friends expect him to do… well, the "expected": settle down, marry Ginny, and become an auror. But what if he doesn't want to do what everyone else expects him to do? What if he decides to reach a bit higher? Not everyone reacts well to the unexpected, though he does manage to find support in some unusual places.
Chapter 27 - End of Innocence
Tuesday, January 19, 1995, Morning.
Jasmine really wanted to respond to the letter from Hermione's parents, but it seemed that every day there was new work being piled on her. It was getting to be too much — and the term was only a couple of weeks old. So she decided to cheat by writing her letter during Professor Binns' lecture in History of Magic. Her problem was that she sat next to Hermione, who might look over and notice that Jasmine's parchment wasn't covered with notes.
It's a risk, she admitted to herself, but it's a risk I have to take, otherwise I'll never get a chance to write this.
Arranging the material on her desk carefully so that a casual glance from Hermione wouldn't instantly reveal what she was writing, Jasmine prepared herself by mentally going over what she needed to say. I don't need to write anything long and detailed… I just need to keep open the lines of communication.
"Dear Mr. and Mrs. Granger,
"Thank you for your letter. I guess I'm not surprised that you would feel some distance from Hermione. Magical schooling is not at all like regular schooling. Magic changes things so much — it even changes how we witches and wizards have to think about the world. It's not something a regular person can easily relate to. I guess the closest comparison is to suddenly have an extra sense like sight or hearing — a sense which the two of you don't have." There, that should help them understand a bit, even if it's not the whole truth where Hermione is concerned.
Jasmine looked out of the corner of her eye to see if Hermione was watching, but her girlfriend was focused entirely on Binns' lecture, just as she had hoped would be the case.
"Otherwise, I would guess that Hermione here is much like what you were used to seeing before she came to Hogwarts. Most of the time, she is engrossed in learning everything she can about… well, everything. There doesn't seem to be any subject she doesn't want to learn about. I think she'd live in the library if the professors let her." This shouldn't be any surprise to them. Hopefully, it will put them more at ease to see that some important things haven't changed.
"Hermione is also incredibly giving and generous, always willing to donate her time to help others. I'm only doing as well as I am because of her — both in my classes and in the tournament. She seems to want the best for everyone, though she can get it in her head that she also knows what's best for everyone, and that can make her a bit bossy. She's aware of that, however, and works to be better." I don't know how much like this she was in regular school, but I doubt it started here. I also doubt that her parents saw this very much, if at all, so this may be news to them.
Jasmine snuck another look over at Hermione and saw that she was still focused on the lecture.
"I'm not sure what else to say. I mean, to me she's just Hermione. I would still expect you to know her better than I do, even if she doesn't live at home as much anymore. You were there helping when the person she is now was being formed. All I can say is that you did a great job. But I guess if you have specific questions, I can try to answer them." There, that's good enough. I just need to sign it and send it off with Hedwig.
After they packed up their things at the end of the lecture and were walking out the door, Hermione said, "Jas, I know you weren't taking notes on the lecture."
Jasmine almost froze at hearing those words, but somehow she managed to keep a straight face and continue walking.
"I couldn't see what it was you were writing," Hermione continued, "but it clearly had nothing to do with the Goblin Rebellion of 1276 under Grimjaw the Grumpy and his failed attempts to get a library card at Merton College in Oxford. I didn't say anything this time, but it had better be pretty important for you to ignore a lecture."
Jasmine almost audibly sighed in relief. "Oh, it was important, Hermione."
Turning to her auburn-haired girlfriend, she asked skeptically, "Really? Are you sure about that?"
"Trust me," she answered, confidence filling her voice. "There isn't much that's more important. We just spend so much time studying and practicing these days that I'm having trouble finding time to do anything else."
Hermione frowned, then said, "I suppose you're right. We have been getting incredibly busy. I'm sorry that I haven't asked how that's affected you." Smiling again, she continued, "We'll try to schedule things a bit better so we still have some free time, OK?"
"That would be great, Hermione," Jasmine answered, happy that she had dodged that spell.
Thursday, January 21, 1995, Afternoon.
Fleur Delacour had once again received a letter from her family that morning, and once again she was disappointed. Like last time, her family didn't include any explanation about what they thought the connection was between the two English witches or why they thought it was so important. At least this time they admit that they are holding back information, she thought to herself, though I wonder why they won't tell me. I could understand if they simply didn't want the information given to the two involved, but am I not trustworthy enough?
According to her mother, Apolline, and her grandmother, Sybine, they wanted to be there in person to verify their suspicions. For now, though, they insisted that the time was not right for this information to be passed around (assuming it even proved to be true).
To say that Fleur was unhappy about this would be an understatement. It wasn't just that she wanted to know for her own sake, but she was looking forward to helping the two English witches by providing them with information that might be useful for them. Not only would it potentially get her access to whatever they knew but were keeping secret, but it would also help her gain their trust. As a veela she'd had trouble making friends with the witches at Beauxbatons, but for some reason she had a feeling that she might have more luck with Jasmine and Hermione.
The one truly interesting part of the letter was the suggestion that she invite Hermione and Jasmine to an Imbolc celebration that would be held in the Beauxbatons carriage at the end of the month. Fleur hadn't even thought that Imbolc was going to be celebrated here, which had been a great disappointment to her, and she wondered if this was a recent change. In fact, she realized, I wonder if this is something Maman and Grandmere have engineered specifically for the sake of Hermione and Jasmine? But why would they wish to do that?
I'll just have to wait to find out, I guess, she concluded. I do hope they accept… I think I'd enjoy celebrating Imbolc with them.
Saturday, January 23, 1995, Morning.
As Jasmine and Hermione were leaving breakfast, Fleur Delacour bumped into Hermione, slipping a note into her pocket. After the two Gryffindors were alone, they read the note and learned that Fleur wanted to meet in an hour in the "usual" room, so they made their way to the seventh floor to get some work done while they awaited the French champion.
"Do you think she has the information from her family?" Jasmine asked.
"That has to be it," Hermione answered. "I can't imagine what else she might want to meet with us about."
Once Fleur had arrived, Hermione got right to the point. "So, why did you need to meet with us? Did you hear something from your family?"
"Sorry, non," Fleur answered, "I don't 'ave the information you requested, but I do 'ave something else. Zere will be an Imbolc celebration at ze end of ze month, and you two are invited."
"How late does it run?" Hermione asked. "We'll need permission if it goes past curfew. Where will it be? How..."
"But first," Jasmine interrupted, "what is Imbolc, exactly?"
"It will be in ze Beauxbatons carriage and will run late, but you'll need to sneak out and sneak back in. Zere's no way you would be given permission for zis. Imbolc is an important magical festival of Celtic origins which celebrates purification, birth, and ze coming of spring. It eez still celebrated by zose who honor ze old ways, which unfortunately eez not very common in Britain today. At least, not publicly."
"That seems true," Hermione interjected. "I've never heard of any Imbolc celebrations around here."
"If zere are," Fleur continued, "zey are held in secret, like ours will be. It 'as been become policy of your English Ministry to refer to ze old ways as 'superstitious' and filled with 'dark magic.' Zis eez because ze celebrations not only 'onor ancient deities, but traditionally include many references to sex, which seems to make some nervous. Ze Irish goddess Brigid is ze main deity associated with it, but other deities of love, sex, and fertility are also 'onored. Ze ritual we will celebrate 'ere will only be 'onoring goddesses because it will be all-female and will adhere to veela traditions. All of zat would receive extreme disapproval from ze traditionalists among your English wizards... even zose who zemselves follow ze old ways in private probably would not be 'appy.."
Hermione found it all very fascinating and started to ask more, not noticing that Jasmine had become a bit uncomfortable. "How long will it take?" Hermione asked, "What will happen? Will we have to do anything? Should we bring anything?"
Fleur held up her hands in surrender. "I can't answer all zose questions yet, at least not easily. You shouldn't 'ave to bring anything, and I don't zink you'll be asked to do anything. Zere are many variations in 'ow ze ritual celebration is done — zere aren't a lot of strict rules. 'Opefully I or someone else will be able to explain ze details. You will be our guests, so rest assured, you will be made to feel welcome and comfortable."
"That sounds great — we'd love to come, wouldn't we?" Hermione said enthusiastically, turning to her girlfriend. Jasmine still looked a little unsure but nodded her head in agreement.
"Bien," Fleur responded. "I zink you will enjoy yourselves, especially since you 'ave not done zis sort of zing before. When ze time draws closer, I will tell you more about when and where."
As she started to get up to leave, Jasmine stopped her and said, "I have one question, uh, though it might be a bit personal." Fleur sat back down, a look of curiosity on her face. "Hermione and I were talking about it the other day, and something didn't make sense to me. If you don't want to answer, if it's too personal, that's fine, but..."
Hermione rolled her eyes and nudged her fellow Gryffindor with her elbow. "Just spit it out, Jas."
"Alright, alright," Jasmine said. "During our meeting the other day, none of the boys were affected by your allure, which was a surprise, at least in Neville's case. But I've seen your allure affect others since you arrived at Hogwarts. So... what's going on with that?"
Fleur smiled and responded, "Zat is a fair question. Ze ability to control one's allure varies greatly — some are good at it and others are not. In my family, we are trained from a very young age to control it, but since coming here I 'ave 'ad trouble on occasion. When we first arrived I was surprised by how very cold it was, and zat made it 'arder for me. At ze Yule Ball, I was very nervous and 'ad trouble zen as well. And, to be 'onest, Roger was annoying me. I found it easier to be around 'im when 'e was slightly dazed."
"So basically, others shouldn't notice you're allure?" Hermione asked.
"In general, non," Fleur answered. "More powerful wizards may notice its presence, but not to ze point of being affected by it. Zey are just more sensitive to such zings."
After that Fleur left, and the two Gryffindor witches had yet another interesting mystery about themselves to discuss.
Saturday, January 23, 1995, Afternoon.
When Hermione and Jasmine again entered the Transfiguration classroom to meet with Professor McGonagall for their training session, the happy looks on their faces made it clear that they were pleased that Professor Flitwick would be joining them like he had the previous weekend.
"We're glad to see you here, Professor Flitwick," Jasmine started. After a quick glance at Hermione, she went on, "After talking last night, the two of us decided that it would be helpful to let you in on the secret we have. We would like you to take the oath, though I assume Professor McGonagall has let you know that it's not as dangerous as magical oaths tend to be. We hope that when you know our full situation, you'll be able to help with whatever is happening to us."
"Thank you for being willing to trust me and to seek my help, Miss Granger, Miss Potter," Professor Flitwick responded. He had been given the notes on the problems surrounding Headmaster Dumbledore — troublesome decisions, suspicious events, and more. All of that created a real cause for concern, and Flitwick was more than willing to help these two, even if it meant keeping secrets from his employer.
After saying the same oath originally created by McGonagall, and getting a surprise at the strong magical reaction when the two young witches accepted it, Flitwick was told the truth about their relationship, including a quick summary of the events of the last six weeks. All three witches tensed slightly while waiting for his reaction — even McGonagall, who knew him best.
"Well," he said, staring off in the distance. "This is quite a shock. And yet... at the same time, it's not."
"How so?" Jasmine asked. Had they been that obvious? Who else might know?
Her worry must have shown on her face, because he answered, "Never fear, my dear, I hadn't seen any obvious signs that the two of you were involved in some sort of romantic relationship. What I meant was that so many things I'd observed about you two recently now make more sense if a romantic relationship is also involved..."
"Filius..." McGonagall interrupted, a warning in her voice.
"Oh, don't worry, Minerva," he said, "I know better than to try to say the wrong thing, assuming I even could. But you have to admit, with a romantic relationship going on, so many things fall into place. That's actually helpful, I think, because so long as no one suspects that a romance is going on, they shouldn't have any idea what's really happening. If someone does realize that these two are in a relationship, they might start to figure out more as well."
McGonagall nodded in agreement. "That's a good point," she said, "I hadn't thought of that."
Hermione chose this moment to huff in annoyance. "So you both know more than you're telling us. A lot more, it seems!"
"Sorry, my dear," Flitwick said apologetically. "There are some things you simply have to find out for yourself. It's not bad, I can assure you of that."
"Oh, that reminds me," Hermione said, "Jasmine and I are wearing rings she got from the Potter vault. Silverflare, the master metalsmith who reforged the wizard's ring into a second witch's ring, wrote that they could be willed invisible; and that works, but our account manager at Gringotts seemed to be able to see mine. Do you know why? Is it because he's a goblin?"
"Hold on, back up a minute," Flitwick said, holding up his hands. "Rings?"
"Yes," Jasmine said, scrunching up her face and willing her ring to appear. "They were a set, but one was a wizard's ring, and the goblins reforged it so I'd have two identical witch's rings."
"Oh, my," Flitwick said in wonderment as he stared closely, first at Jasmine's ring and then at both rings side-by-side when Hermione willed hers to become visible as well.
"You said that these rings are enchanted, yes?" Flitwick asked.
"Yes, they are. The goblin master metalsmith said he restored the enchantments when he reforged the one ring, so that's how we learned what they could do," Hermione said.
"Can you make them invisible again?" Flitwick asked next. Both girls complied, then he looked closely at their hands and nodded. "Yes, your speculation was correct, Miss Granger. The goblins can see past the goblin invisibility enchantment that was placed on your rings. I'm only part goblin, so I can't see them very well — I have to focus closely to see just the outlines of rings. That's why I never noticed them before."
"Moving on," McGonagall, said, trying to take the conversation away from that sensitive topic, "Now that Filius knows, he may be able to give some thought to the best ways to help you control your magical strength."
"Oh, yes," he interjected. "Yes, indeed! This all makes much more sense now. I'll have to do some digging, and I'm not sure if there is anything written about this particular situation, but I think I might be able to put together a program of exercises that will fit the two of you. Have you tried doing anything else besides the accuracy practice you started this past week?"
Jasmine and Hermione reminded him of the wandless and silent casting exercises they were trying to do every night. "Yes, that's perfect — that's just the sort of thing you should be doing, working together as much as possible. The accuracy exercises you started will also help, but I'm sure that any exercises where you're required to work together will produce the best results in your situation. I know your time is limited, but I'll do some research on what other kinds of joint magical exercises might be possible for you."
"We really need to move on to today's practice session if we want to get it done at all," McGonagall pointed out.
Jasmine pulled out a piece of parchment and said, "I've written down four spells that I'd like to try. First is the smaller explosive charm, Bombarda, the larger explosive curse, Expulso, the bone breaking curse, Ossus Fragmen, and finally the siege engine spell, Corace Corruo."
McGonagall and Flitwick looked at each other with surprised expressions before the Charms professor said, "Those are some strong spells, but I think you can probably handle them. The siege engine spell might be problematic, though. Where did you manage to find it, anyway?"
Looking more than a bit sheepish, Hermione answered, "I first saw a reference to it in a history text and thought it looked interesting. I couldn't find a complete description of the actual spell anywhere, but I kept finding more references to it in other history texts. After a while, I was able to piece the specifics together from all the different references I found. I only wish I could have found a book that explained the spell in more detail."
McGonagall rolled her eyes. "Of course we don't have any books which teach that spell, not even in the library's restricted section. We live and work in a castle, so there's no way we'd want students learning a spell designed to knock down castle walls, however unlikely it is that any of them would be able to cast it."
Flitwick smiled and continued, "We just never expected anyone to be able to piece that spell together in the way you did, Miss Granger. But where did you intend to practice it? We can ask if the Room of Requirement can provide a space to cast such a high-level spell, but it wouldn't surprise me if it can't. That's not exactly an 'indoor' spell, you know."
Jasmine groaned at having forgotten that small detail. "Can we practice it somewhere outside, like maybe near the Quidditch pitch?" Jasmine asked.
"Perhaps," Minerva answered, "But we wouldn't be able to keep it from the headmaster and who knows how many other people if we did."
Jasmine shook her head at that. Neither she nor Hermione wanted their training to be known by too many people.
After a moment's thought, Filius offered, "I might be able to find a place we can use. Getting there may be tricky, but doable. I would have to go with you, but Minerva could stay here to cover for us if anyone asks. However, it can't be today — there isn't enough time to set it up. It will have to wait until next Saturday."
"OK," responded Jasmine, "Can we replace the siege engine spell with Confringo for today?"
"Yes, the explosive blasting curse should work nicely," Filius said with an eager look on his face.
The second session of spellcasting practice started very much like the first. It came as no surprise at this point that the relative strength of the young witches' spells was greater than average. With the explosive blasting curse, however, the fiery component caused damage that went well beyond the usual impact of the spell. From the wands of most witches and wizards, a Confringo was a highly damaging and sometimes fatal spell against a single target. From the wands of these two young witches, a Confringo became an incredibly destructive spell that would severely injure or kill multiple targets if they were bunched together closely enough.
Hermione likened it to using a hand grenade, though without the shrapnel. Only Jasmine could tell how much her own analogy disturbed her, and that she wasn't pleased that she could cause so much harm with a single, general purpose spell.
The somewhat grey spell Ossus Fragmen, which Hermione had found while searching for spells that Jasmine could use against a dragon, proved to be the most difficult for them to cast. Professor Flitwick introduced the curse with a bit of a refresher on how spells worked. "General purpose spells like Reducto, Bombarda, Confringo, and Expulso can cause a wide variety of damage, including injuries like broken bones. The Ossus Fragmen curse, in contrast, targets only bones and was created specifically to break bones. It won't damage clothing, wands, walls, etc. As you know, magic is about intent, so rather than intending general, non-specific harm to whoever or whatever is hit, you must intend very specific harm: broken bones."
When the two witches nodded, Flitwick continued, "You indicate that you understand, but I'm not sure you do. Still, give it a try — let's see how you manage." McGonagall conjured two pigs and levitated them down to where the training dummies were already positioned. Jasmine and Hermione looked at them for a moment in distaste, then both proceeded to cast the Ossus Fragmen curse. Nothing happened.
"I expected as much," Flitwick assured them, "but I thought it was important to demonstrate that this isn't a spell you can simply overpower and get what you want from it — intent is key, and proper visualization is critical.
"In order to intend to break a bone, you must not only know what the bone looks like, but you must also have a firm idea of what it looks like broken. In that, it's similar to transfiguration because you must be able to visualize the end result at the very least, though it's better if you can also visualize the process of it breaking. It also helps, I'm sorry to say, if you have experienced broken bones — especially whatever bones you are aiming for."
At this, both witches' eyes widened, now truly starting to comprehend what would be required of them to cast this curse successfully. McGonagall conjured another pig, then with a wave of her wand, the pig was bloodlessly sliced in half. The two halves were levitated and separated to give everyone a clear view of the pig's insides, including its bones. Both of the two younger witches looked a little green at the sight.
"I don't want to see any squeamishness from you two," McGonagall said sternly. "If you can't stand to look at this, then you can't cast spells like you've asked us to help you with." Her voice softened a bit as she added, "I know this isn't pleasant, but this is a conjured animal, not a real one. It is not alive and it cannot feel pain. If you can't bear to cause harm to a conjured thing such as this, you will never be able to cause harm to a wizard or witch — not even one trying to kill you."
At that admonition, Jasmine and Hermione straightened up a bit and forced themselves to deal with the situation.
"Now take a good look at the pig's major bones," Flitwick said, pointing his wand at the conjured animal. "It's usually best to target the largest, strongest bones with a curse like Ossus Fragmen. Watch as I do it." He then proceeded to silently cast the curse, targeting very precise locations on the pig and breaking a different bone each time. "Look closely at the broken bones. Remember the sounds they made when they snapped. This is what you must know and understand before you can muster the proper intent to cast this curse."
And the young Gryffindor witches did indeed look, however unpleasant the sight was. Jasmine had seen Hermione flinch repeatedly at the sound of the bones breaking, but then she watched as her girlfriend shook herself, set her shoulders, and gripped her wand more firmly, a determined look on her pale face.
Flitwick continued, "The more vivid the concepts of breaking and broken bones are in your mind, the more successful your casting will be. Yes, I know that it isn't pleasant, but neither is the act of breaking someone's bone, no matter what means you use to do it."
"If it helps," McGonagall said, "try to keep in mind that in the magical world, broken bones are rarely as serious of an injury as they are in the muggle world. I believe that a broken arm or leg requires some weeks to heal with muggle methods?" Seeing their nods of confirmation, she continued, "Well, even an average witch or wizard can heal a simple break rather quickly, leaving at most a few days of weakness. A skilled healer can do it faster and with fewer complications."
Jasmine and Hermione cast each other a grim look before trying again, this time getting it right after only a few attempts. Instead of breaking just one bone each per cast spell, however, their spells seemed to snap multiple bones every time. It was fortunate that McGonagall's pigs had not been conjured with the ability to feel or express any pain, but that would change in future sessions — it was something the girls would have to get used to as well if they wanted to be able to cast such spells. In a real fight, it could be fatal if they froze up as soon as they heard someone cry out in pain after being hit by one of their curses.
Neither professor was very pleased about two young witches learning such magic, but neither could deny that both of them — and Jasmine in particular — kept getting involved in situations where they might need such spells to defend themselves. That things were likely to only get worse almost went without saying, so Professors McGonagall and Flitwick continued to train them, relying on their inherent good characters to keep them from abusing the spells despite how much provocation they received from certain quarters.
Saturday, January 23, 1995, Evening.
"Are you certain, Phineas?" Dumbledore asked, curiosity evident on his face.
"Definitely," the portrait of Phineas Nigellus Black replied. "Several paintings have reported Potter meeting or being in the vicinity of that French creature."
Albus Dumbledore frowned at the portrait's use of the label "creature" but didn't bother correcting it. Magical portraits were stuck with whatever opinions were held by the original person before they died. That was the point, after all: to capture and preserve the basic personality, character, and attitudes of a wizard or witch. Even if Phineas' portrait could change, though, Dumbledore knew that the former headmaster was far too set in his ways, so he wasn't going to waste his breath arguing.
"Thank you, Phineas. Please tell the paintings and portraits to keep an eye out for similar encounters," Dumbledore said, ending their conversation. He pondered this development, trying to understand what it meant. There were no rules against the champions fraternizing and becoming friends, though it was unusual. They didn't start out as friends and had little in common, so the pressures of competition should have kept them separated. What had happened?
Perhaps just as important was what this might mean for the future. If they are forming any sort of friendship, should that be encouraged or discouraged? he asked himself. On the one hand, many traditionalists in Britain wouldn't approve of the Girl Who Lived being too friendly with a French witch, never mind a veela. That includes more than a few light-sided families, sadly. On the other hand, if Miss Delacour has valuable connections in the French magical community, those might prove beneficial if the coming conflict with Tom starts to go badly.
Popping a sherbet lemon into his mouth and leaning back in his chair, he considered that the outcome was too uncertain to interfere. At least, not yet. It would probably come down to just how close they became and how publicized that relationship might become. If I can at least keep it out of the papers, then if they become good friends, Miss Potter will have advantageous connections in France in the future — either for use during the war, or for use afterwards when she becomes an important political and social figure.
Satisfied with that, the headmaster leaned forward again and started digging into the pile of parchment he needed to read and sign. He loved being part of the school, but he hated all the parchment work that came with his position. Even after foisting much of it off on Minerva, the amount he had to contend with never seemed to end.
Hermione lay in her bed, unable to sleep. She couldn't stop thinking about the spells she had learned that day and how much harm she not only could cause another person, but would have to intend to cause in order for the spells to work. Jasmine had finally convinced her that more violent spells would be needed against Death Eaters, which meant that there was no choice but to learn how to cast them.
Knowing that intellectually, though, wasn't the same as being comfortable with it.
Until recently, she never would have imagined she'd be deliberately learning to hurt people like this. That didn't mean she couldn't do it, however. On the contrary, she knew she could. If hitting Malfoy in third year hadn't been enough of a clue, her outstanding success today with a spell like Ossus Fragmen certainly made it clear.
Am I supposed to be happy about that? a small, stubborn voice inside her asked glumly.
She punched her pillow in frustration at such thoughts. This is necessary, she told herself sternly. The fact of the matter is, I live in a society that's controlled, directly or indirectly, by sociopathic, bigoted blood purists and their paid creatures. A society to which Voldemort will return, sooner or later, and then conditions will go back to what they were in the 1970s. I will be one of the primary targets of those bigots — because I'm a muggleborn, because I'm smart, and because I'm such close friends with the Girl Who Lived.
She thought grimly, I know all of this is true, so my feelings are simply going to have to get with the program.
Just then, a horrid thought occurred to her: What if they came for me, away from the school and all its protections, and I was the only thing standing between the Death Eaters and my parents? And then another thought: ...Can I use that idea? Can I borrow some of the fear and anger I'd feel in a real situation to get me through the need to cold-bloodedly learn these spells? And is that even a healthy thing to do?
In the quiet darkness of her dormitory, no easy answers magically came to her, but she did think she felt the last vestiges of her childhood slipping away.