Chapter the Second, in which a penance is decided upon.
'I have my own reasons for the costume, mostly to do with this city's laws about public nakedness without actually being a statue or a Golem. (1) And I am trying not to look threatening.'
Moist was processing what he remembered about the 'Hogswatch Demon.' The creature was a figure from Uberwaldean folklore, especially in the mountains. He was a sort of shadow to the Hogfather. The Hogfather (theoretically) rewarded good boys and girls, whilst his current visitor's task was to punish the naughty ones. With a schoolmaster's cane. When he manifested to adults, he would put them to some gruelling penitential task to expiate their sins, set (it was said) by the Gods themselves.
Oops.
At least the Splot wasn't leaving him tongue tied this time, but his mind was now racing.
'You may be confused by my appearance in your adopted homeland (2) but you have to be aware that belief is the limiting factor. There is a thriving and expanding Uberwaldean community in Ankh – Morpork. The most famous are your 'good'/equivocal self, Otto Chriek of the Times and Captain Von Uberwald of the Watch. Seeing their fellow countrymen do so well, they see you as an example to follow. The number of Uberwaldeans of all species is now sufficient that I can manifest here, though only to members of that community. You know therefore, that penance for your sins is required. Only then will you be rid of me.'
Moist had been very naughty indeed in Uberwald, especially Uberwald, until his travels and swindling had led to Lord Vetinari conscripting him into public service, and even the Patrician didn't know the full extent of his former criminal career.(3) He knew he had to accept the penance, whatever it would be. You just didn't cross the Gods. He silently uttered petitions for mercy unto Offler and Anoia, the deities who had arguably done best out of the Deliverance. (4)
Prayers are a hotline to divine attention, though not necessarily intervention. In a corner of the Divine City, away from the main streets full of temples, churches, chapels, shrines, wats, mastabas and other religious buildings, Offler the Crocodile God and Anoia, Goddess of Things that Get Stuck in Drawers were sharing a sauna after the latest bout of P E teaching inflicted on the Pantheon by Pedestriana. They were too tired to care about propriety after what had seemed like an endless penalty kick practice. Not that they would have cared anyway. They were a god and a goddess. Who would dare say anything ? Rumour had it that the Goddess of Football was planning to start a Divine League right here in Dunmanifestin. Moist's prayer reached the attention of both deities, neither of whom was in a good mood.
'Itth Von Lipwig, I thuppothe we owe him thomething,' Offler managed.
'Look who is with him though. Let's stay out of this. It'll serve the little tit right.' replied the goddess.
'Isn't that a bit harth on Lipwig, not to mention faithleth ?'
'You sound more like an Igor every day. And I wasn't talking about Lipwig. I think the Postmaster may be about to teach someone a lesson.'
Back in Moist's apartment, the Postmaster was facing up to his past.
'All right, I'm prepared to do penance for my sins in Uberwald,' said that country's most devious sinner.
'Very well, you have chosen wisely. You will need to wear the Golden Uniform. The visibility and authority it represents will be of value in the course of the three tasks which gave been laid out for you in this context.
Your first task is to repair a bridge that is broken, though not necessarily in the physical world.
Your second task is to save a life at some risk to yourself, a risk you might not anticipate.
The last is to redeem another of your choosing, no matter who that may be, though they must have attracted the ire of the Gods. I will be on hand to supervise, I may even assist.'
High on Cori Celesti, two deities watched the encounter with interest. Mr Von Lipwig looked like he would provide an interesting diversion from football training and if he didn't best the 'Hogswatch Demon' then they had seriously underestimated him.
Moist had carefully donned his uniform, which seemed to glow in the lamplight.
'Let's do this, I am ready to expiate my sins in Uberwald.' said the possibly the Disc's mightiest sinner. (5)
Moist Von Lipwig found himself in a snowfield, in the heart of a raging blizzard. There were wolf – like howls on the wind in the middle distance. He remembered enough of his native country to know the howl of a werewolf in wolf form. His uniform still seemed to be glowing. Brightly. Lit up like the top of a clacks tower on the night shift.
Visibility probably wasn't going to serve him here. It occurred to him that the spirit hadn't said who the visibility would be useful to. Then his visitor threw him a rag which smelt faintly of beer slops.
Hundhuttemeister lager.(6)
That brought back memories of his grandfather's Lipwigzer kennels, and the old boy unsteady on his feet after an evening at his local bierkeller. That lager had been the older man's favourite tipple. Was this intended to be a psychological torture as an appetiser before the physical sensation of being eaten by werewolves ?
Anoia looked at the tableau and decided that Mr Von Lipwig's penance was probably going to be one of the best Hogswatch shows she'd ever watched. So did Offler.
(1)Unless you had a good explanation for public nudity, ideally one that made the Watch laugh.
(2)As if Moist had had a choice. See Sir Terry's Going Postal.
(3)The Agateans were still looking for a 'Foreign Devil' over a huge insurance scam.
(4)Going Postal again.
(5)Not necessarily the same as most wicked sinner.
(6)Best I can do for 'Kennelmaster' with German representing Uberwaldean. Sorry.