Chapter the Fifth, in Which a Rescue is Effected and Moist Gets Cold.
Moist Von Lipwig was following the pack with his mind still churning. There was no getting out of the penance but he had a pretty good idea of who his visitor was by now. He shouldn't be surprised, many of the Gods, even Blind Io, leader of them all, would moonlight under assumed identities. And the visitor's Hogswatch name was a give-away in Ankh – Morporkian. If he was who Moist thought he was, getting the better of him would be tricky, and he'd best improvise the con. There wouldn't be enough time for a complicated sting, and his opponent might realize Moist was turning the tables if given long enough to observe events.
There was another lull in canine howling, and a strange sound as Herr Von Lipwig Changed.
There was also a strange smell.
Of the Twilight the Darkness had caught up with them. The Goblin had also taken the trouble to ensure he was in possession of a flask of his signature coffee. (1)
The old man was briefing the humanoid members of the party again.
'Got an assistant now Moist ? Hope he can take the cold. The boys say we're nearing the casualty now, and they think she's not that badly hurt. Ankle stuck in a tree root concealed by snow, we can dig her out and get her back to town in two shakes !'
'Er, Grandfather, a lady to rescue and you have no clothes on !' The old man laughed.
'You really have been away from Uberwald too long!' Moist squirmed internally that he'd forgotten something so basic. (2) And his thought processes were no longer quite so rapid now. Even Splot wears off.
'Mr A Bit Wet, you is mixing with entities beyond Nature ! And it look like you on edge of running out of puff !'
'I think I'll manage here, Mr Of the Twilight the Darkness. The physical challenges are almost over, just a 'heroic' rescue to undertake and then it comes down to talking persuasively, and I'm good at that.'
They had neared an isolated tree. It was a gnarled, twisted, mythic looking tree. If you looked at it in ordinary circumstances you might think 'that looks like a tree in a fairy tale.' It was also thickly burdened with snow.
The dogs were digging enthusiastically, tails wagging, and Moist went up to the casualty to offer assistance. He was slightly taken aback. Long black dress. Conical black hat. Nobody had mentioned the casualty was a Witch !
A Witch with one ankle caught in the tangled tree root.
Roley Eminence (3) was not a happy Junior Postman. At first he'd been impressed that Deputy Postmaster Groat himself had selected him for a special mission. Then he'd been told that it was to take potentially troubling news to Postmaster Von Lipwig's intimidating wife with a 'better take a velocipede (4) with you, I know it's not that long a walk, but the means of a quick getaway might be handy.'
At least Mr Groat had put the news in letter form and told him to ask Mrs Von Lipwig for further instructions before handing it to her. There were Post Office Rituals to be followed here. There were also unofficial ones, he mused gloomily as he headed into the malodorous (5) undercroft to sign out a vehicle.
The technician in charge of the velo pool having been satisfied, Roley crossed a floor made uneven by crusted avian deposits to take possession of the allotted vehicle. He reached the right point in the rack, took the Sonky (6) off the saddle and put it in the small saddlebag with the tool kit. He noted that the city's inconveniently high water table had led to the floor being damp as well as crustedly uneven. Junior Postman Tom Brown, (Graf Konstantin...several pages of names...Von Bad Schuschein, the Post Office takes all sorts) a Black Ribbon vampire, reported that this working environment had given him psittacosis, which is a bird disease (7). It seemed even the aggressive water of the River Ankh couldn't modify the leavings of the Ankh – Morpork Post Office Pigeon. Except make it slippery he noted, almost falling over. He wasn't going to try riding in here. Push it up the ramp to the yard. Mount up. Ride off and try not to steer directly through piles of horse apples. They could be almost as slippery as pigeon muck.
In Uberwald, Moist was offering his assistance to a witch who was both amused and slightly bemused.
'The Golden Postman himself, or is it the State Banker or the Master of the Mint ? It's hard to tell, what with you being Vetinari's Ba Pu.' (8)
'Mistress, it's very cold. There's snow everywhere and even magic can only keep you warm for so long before you freeze to death. Can I help you free your ankle ?'
'Have the old man call the dogs back. You need room to work. It's all I can do to keep hypothermia at bay. And Herr Von Lipwig, no need to put your hands there ! I'm doctor, nurse, midwife and funeral advisor to most of this community. It's not exactly news to me that men have tonkers ! It would be useful if you forget your grandson's big city embarrassment and give him a hand. Two big strong men would be useful. The dogs dug the snow away, but they don't have hands .'
A strange sound that a humanoid throat shouldn't be able to produce pulled back the Lipwigzers.
The witch in question received assistance from four men, though it has to be said that in this case for three of them this was for a given value of 'man.'
Five people sprawled backwards and then got up and scurried away from the tree.
'My broomstick !'
Moist noted the problem and in accordance with his 'a life without risk is not worth living' philosophy, dived to retrieve it.
And was intercepted by quite a lot of snow arriving from the tree in a downwards direction.
(1)Good for you, all natural ingredients – but the same is said of Mr Groat's improvised medicines.
(2)Uberwaldeans have few nudity taboos. Something about werewolves being so widespread.
(3)If you know the history of Roundworld stamps...couldn't resist.
(4)So named by the Patrician. It's a bicycle, quite a common postal delivery technology.
(5)Pigeon doings, as Mr Groat would say.
(6)Not that kind of Sonky, but a rubber shield to keep the guano off the saddle and posties' trousers.
(7)Dr Lawn of the Lady Sybil Hospital had been stunned. Vampires don't get psittacosis. Normally.
(8)Agatean mandarin. Noted for holding many tainted jobs of disgraced officials. And their salaries.