Chapter the Seventh, in which a Junior Postman Encounters a Formidable Lady
I offer a big 'thank you' to everyone who has stuck with the tale so far. A review or so would be welcome as I hope to develop into a better writer.
Roley was wheeling his vehicle up the front driveway of the Von Lipwig Und Dearheart
residence. (1) He knocked at the front door as was was Post Office custom. It was drilled into everyone who joined. 'You are not a tradesperson. You are the King's Officer, enacting the Royal Will by delivering the mail. The King would not go via the back door so neither do you. We know there isn't a king any more, but we are still here and so are the Royal Statutes that established the Royal Mail.' (2)
The door was answered by an unexpected figure in a leather apron cinched at the waist by a tool belt.
'Arr can Oi 'be 'elpin 'ee good sorr ? ' said the servant, 'Mr Crossley, 'ee be 'elpin' to set up t' Hogswatch dinner at t' Butlers' Guild, 'n' Mrs Crossley she be by way of shoppin' roight now, which do leave me as sort of actin' butler until one of 'em gets back.'
'Special delivery for the personal hand of Mrs Von Lipwig Und Dearheart, if you would Crisp,'
said Roley, feeling less confident than he sounded. He'd recognized the servant, all posties were informally briefed about the Postmaster's idiosyncratic household, but he'd been hoping for the professionalism of Crossley rather than the handyman's possibly ham fisted attempt to cover some of the senior servants' duties. He'd even understood him, most posties quickly got used to the wide variations even found in the grammar, pronunciation and vocabulary of Ankh – Morporkian spoken within the city. (3)
Mrs Von Lipwig, severe though she could be, would almost certainly pay attention to such a special delivery by one of her husband's Post Office people. It was important enough to require her personal attention and might even be work – related, given their positions within the city's and wider world's communications network. She was also sensible enough to understand that, liberal employer though the Post Office could be, there were also its rather hidebound customs. Like the postie always calling at the front door, not the tradesmen's entrance.
Once the Post Office had begun its resurgence (The Deliverance as Mr Groat put it,) this custom had attracted the ire of some of the more traditional lords, but the new Postmaster General was with Commander Vimes on this one, though somewhat more diplomatically than the leader of the Watch was wont to be.
It had been trying having to deal with Lord Rust, Lord Selachii, Lord Venturi and Lord Eorle in turn when they had raised objections, but Moist had thought this one through carefully and had pretty much a stock answer ready even before being bearded by the first irate aristocrat in the metaphorical queue.
'My Lord, I sympathize with your irritation, but the postman calls by Royal Statute, officially on the King's Business. To make the King or the King's Officer conduct business via the back door is to commit lese majeste. (4) Your own patent of nobility was signed and sealed by royal authority,
which indicates that you as a Lord of the City, must uphold the will of the King in all matters, irksome though it may be.'
The lords had blustered and been hard to mollify, but even they had been forced to admit that Moist was right. The alternative was taking it to Vetinari for arbitration and they knew that he would in all probability force them into a humiliating public climbdown which would also reinforce his own position as the holder of theoretically delegated royal authority.
Which left Roley waiting rather nervously at the front door of the Postmaster General's house.
'Mrs Dear'art'll be with 'ee prresently Sorr,' said Crisp, having spoken to the lady of the house, 'she'm jus' dealin' with a matter as called on 'er attention quoite severely, but thinks she can wrap it up in just a shake now.'
A woman in an austerely cut grey dress was now approaching down the hall. The cut of the garment did not indicate attempts at economy or a disdain for unnecessary frills. Her dress screamed 'businesslike' at you. (5) As if this was not enough by which to identify the head of the Grand Trunk Telegraph Company, she was also puffing fiercely on a cigarette, generating a cloud of smoke that wouldn't have looked out of place at the front of a train. (6)
The lady in question spoke.
'Thank you Crisp, I'll take things from here.'
Although she was present and as far as he could tell she was paying attention to current events, Adora Belle Von Lipwig – Dearheart appeared to have something on her mind.
'I believe you have a delivery for me young man.'
'Yes Ma'am, and Mr Groat has asked for you to issue instructions for me to take back to the Post Office.'
Roley had spoken as he handed over the letter, aware that this kind of approach had covered the safety of posties before, when in the presence of people of a 'shoot the messenger' turn of mind.
He needn't have worried. She opened and read it.
'Well at least this confirms I knew where he was (7) and that he has Of the Twilight the Darkness looking after him.'
She took a pencil from a discreet pocket and wrote a reply on the back of the letter. Even Roley could see the message.
'Expect both Postmaster and my PA to be back shortly. Tell Of the Twilight the Darkness to get brewing when he gets back and the tell him to send my husband home with his own silver tongued version of today's adventures – along with what has been brewed, Of the Twilight the Darkness knows which medicine I mean.' (8)
He rode back to the Post Office hugely relieved that things had gone so well. Mrs Von Lipwig had even tipped him five dollars in the spirit of Hogswatch, obviously confident of her husband's well – being and looking forward to seeing him soon.
(1)Adora Belle had been amused by this Uberwaldean way of expressing a hyphenated surname.
(2)Commander Vimes takes a similar view to the legal principle of 'King's Evidence' in Sir Terry's 'Snuff.'
(3)Don't get me started on Dimwell Arrhythmic Slang...
(4)Compromising the dignity and/or authority of the King in this context.
(5)In a well - tailored and elegant way.
(6)Steam train of course...
(7)Wives and mothers can do this – or is it something to do with Anoia and Adora Belle ?
(8)If you've read Sir Terry's 'Raising Steam' you'll know too. Parental discretion is advised.