Now that Kirk knew (and was calmer about it than Leonard would have ever assumed) he felt more comfortable being in Spock's presence in public. For example, bugging the Vulcan on the bridge, which had always been a favourite pastime of his, was back at the top of his list for activities on a slow day. After getting caught on the Observation Deck however, the two of them had kept their hands (and mouths) to themselves when in the potential presence of other ship members. McCoy was delighted to discover that dating Spock was much less stressful than he'd thought. His superior officer demeanor dropped and he was rather understanding and even kind - though he was still an emotionless machine most of the time. Their relationship didn't change much from the way it had been prior except that Spock was still intent on helping Leonard with his mental problems.
Despite promising to stay away from self-medication, he still was in the habit of drinking late into the night and often snagging various anti-depressants from the sick bay stores. He tried to do this without his green-blooded friend finding out, but the Vulcan had a way of inserting himself in Leonard's deepest problems recently and he suspected something was wrong.
"We should attempt to initiate another meld soon," he told Leonard one night when they were sitting in the doctor's quarters and speaking about the day's work. This offhanded comment cause Leonard to drop the playing cards that he was examining (in a game of solitaire, to keep his hands busy and his nerves calm) and his stern eyes to find the Vulcan's calm ones.
"I thought we decided that was a bad idea," he responded, voice tinged with stress.
"Affirmative, Leonard. It was unwise three weeks ago when we were not yet ready. However, I do believe we are close enough to try the exercise again without any ill side effects coming into play."
McCoy was less than happy with these words, but he didn't answer for a moment. Last time they tried, Spock saw everything that he didn't want out in the open. Now, with them being much closer, what was there really to hide? Not much if anything at all.
"I can attempt to make the experience more comfortable for you this time." Spock's voice broke into his thoughts and the doctor realized he was staring the other man down.
"Oh…" He wasn't sure what to say, nor what that offer entailed. "How?"
Spock shifted in his seat, crossing one long leg over the other with an air on nonchalance. "I believe I may have picked up a few methods of comforting you over the past few weeks." One pointed eyebrow shot high up on his forehead and Leonard couldn't help but laugh.
They hadn't done much by way of romance. Kissed, yes, but not much else. They were, evidently, taking it slowly, and that was fine with him. He was a gentleman, he could go any speed that Spock wanted. He had to keep in mind though that Spock lacked any experience in this field and that he was setting the pace for the whole thing which sometimes proved difficult.
Spock suddenly stood from his chair, offering a hand to the doctor. "Please, Leonard." His soft eyes were practically begging him and Leonard found he couldn't refuse such a solemn looking Vulcan.
"Fine." He took the other man's hand and was surprised to find that Spock was leading him to the bed instead of the floor. Without question, Leonard climbed onto the bed and laid on his right side. He faced Spock who lay opposite him. Both men were propped up on one elbow in a lounging position. Leonard couldn't help but notice how long and seemingly flexible the Vulcan was. He scolded himself for thinking about that at a time like this and remembered how nervous he was.
"There is no need to be so disgruntled, Leonard," Spock reminded him. The doctor allowed his face to relax and even let a little grin creep up onto his mouth.
"Okay, Darlin'," he responded quietly as he trailed his free hand up to gently touch Spock's cheek. Instead of remaining still, as Leonard assumed he would, Spock took his free arm, wound it around the doctor's tiny waist, and pulled them together so they were pressed against each other for the entire length of their bodies. Leonard's eyes widened in surprise - not that this position was bad, not at all, but it was much more intimate than they had ever been. "…Spock?" Weren't they going to do the mind meld…?
Instead of answering, the Vulcan slid his hand up Leonard's back, under his arm, and around to cup the back of his neck. Soon their lips were pressed together again and McCoy forgot whatever it was that he was wondering before.
Kissing Spock was like kissing Prince Charming. If Prince Charming was made of lava and showed no emotion. His lips were soft and careful, his kisses were passionate and slow, and he was a perfect manly figure of unattainableness that Leonard couldn't help but be proud of and envious of every time they touched.
It wasn't until he felt Spock's arms repositioning that he finally understood the man's plan. What a devious elf. Soon, the fingers of his right hand were pressed tightly to Leonard's psy-points. The kiss broke.
"My mind to your mind," he breathed as his lips brushed the doctor's. McCoy could hear that he was a bit out of breath. "My thoughts to your thoughts." And soon the meld was being initiated.
This time it was much less awkward. Comforted by the feeling of Spock pressed up against him, arm wrapped around him, hearing his voice inside and out…these things made for an easy transition. His eyes were open, but they saw nothing. Again he felt his thoughts flashing past him as Spock searched for the right ones.
He found them quickly. The darkness consumed the majority of his mind so Leonard wasn't surprised when he was able to feel them. Spock pushed lightly and Leonard resisted.
You must let me in, K'diwa.
McCoy shuttered, then tried to allow himself to relax in order for Spock to reach the most hated part of himself. And there he found it - the vicious cycle that the doctor found himself caught in on the worst of days. The tired feeling that coursed throughout his body and mind, the lack of care, lack of passion, lack of motivation to do anything and the hatred toward himself when he felt this way. The notion that nothing really mattered and the tears that were constantly forming in his eyes. This evil shadow that encompassed him nearly every day of his life.
His heart began to beat quickly and he felt a hand leave his shoulder and land on his chest.
Remain calm.
Spock's voice sounded far away, even inside his head. He wanted to push the Vulcan away. He didn't give a shit about McCoy. All Leonard was doing anyway was inconveniencing him. This stupid exercise wouldn't help him. Nothing could help him. He was just a big damn worthless piece of shit. Why was he even allowing this to happen? He just wanted a drink to calm his nerves and then to crawl into his bed alone and never move.
You must control these thoughts Leonard.
What was the point? They were true. Some people were just a waste of space and deserved to die.
Then he felt something different. Something he didn't think was possible. An unfamiliar feeling, but unmistakably there. It was panic, but not his. It was Spock.
Fight them.
His tone was much more stern and strong in Leonard's mind.
You are not worthless. You are not worthless to me. Please understand. You must push these thoughts to the back of your mind and never think of them again.
Leonard knew this was impossible. An affliction such as this didn't just go away when you told it to.
Then pretend. Pretend you have power over it.
He tried. He really did. Hating yourself was exhausting. All the struggle, all the upset…it was too much to deal with on such a deep level for so long. Finally, he gave in and allowed it to overtake him. Devoid of feeling and care, Leonard felt Spock's presence leaving his head. Soon the two of them were back in his bedroom, lying on the bed, pressed up against one another. Vaguely, Leonard was aware that he was crying, gasping for air, tears streaming down his face. Spock looked calm, if not a little tired, and he pulled the doctor to his chest tightly. Leonard continued to cry.
"I'm sorry," he moaned quietly and Spock shook his head.
"Never apologize."
Vulcan translation:
K'diwa - beloved