Chapter 26

Rossi had given Hotch one more week to see if he would ask to see the photos, but when Hotch remained silent on the issue and had abruptly moved back to his own apartment, he knew he couldn't wait any longer.

The team had been taking care of Hotch's apartment while he was missing, so the night after Hotch returned home, Rossi had knocked on his door twice and with no answer from inside, he used his copy of the key that each team member had and let himself in to find Hotch sitting on his couch staring blankly at a TV that wasn't turned on.

"Go away, Dave." murmured Hotch not turning to look at his long-time friend who held a full grocery bag in one hand, a large envelope in the other.

"Not going anywhere, my friend." sighed Rossi in return closing the door behind him and placing the bag on a nearby table. He made his way over to the couch, envelope in hand and sat resignedly next to his morose leader. His eyebrows raised when he noticed the dent in the wall across from them, Hotch's smashed phone on the ground.

"Bad phone call?" he asked. He had hoped the phone calls they were bombarded with back at his place, both from angry anonymous callers and the media before he finally had to disconnect his line wouldn't follow Hotch home.

"What do you want?" asked Hotch eyeing the envelope warily.

Rossi shook his head. "Ask the question you've really been wanting to ask."

"And what question would that be?" Hotch's breath quickened as Rossi placed the envelope in his lap.

"The answer is yes, Aaron. You need to see them, if you're ever going to get past this...you need to see them."

Hotch's eyes flicked in surprise at Rossi, then back at the envelope in his lap.

"Need and want are two very different things, Dave."

"Open the envelope, Aaron."

"And if I don't?" Hotch asked, his fingers skimming the top of the envelope.

"We'll be here for you either way, but this is something you need to do. You know it...I know it."

"The rest of the team?" asked Hotch hesitantly.

"If you fall, my friend, you have plenty of hands willing to catch you. You don't have to be strong for us right now...we'll be strong for you until you're ready. Now open the envelope."

Rossi's smile was gentle. "Don't keep an old man waiting too long, I'm liable to fall asleep on you, damn comfy couch you have here."

Hotch stared at Rossi for a moment, his indecision still evident, then finally nodded opening the envelope and pulling the set of photos out.

Later, Rossi would be glad he was the only one to see Hotch's stark pain that night. It broke his heart watching the expression on his friend's face as he slowly looked at each picture, at each time stamp of him helping in the destruction of a life. He watched as his friend's body shook then almost seemed to deflate in on itself.

Suddenly, Hotch lurched off the couch, slamming into his nearby desk sending items scattering as he stumbled towards the washroom, leaving Rossi in stunned silence, watching the photos fluttering to the floor.

Rossi waited a beat then followed as he heard the strained sobs and retching as Hotch, his stomach obviously empty was forcing up only bile as his body strived to expel the horror of the photos from his mind's eye.

Rossi found his friend on the bathroom floor, back against the tub, knees up with arms wrapped around them; panting heavily with eyes squeezed shut on his tear-stained face. Pushing back his own tears, Rossi flushed and lowered the toilet seat then moved to the sink where he wet a washcloth with cool water and lay it on the back of Hotch's neck, then after filling a glass with water, moved over and lowered himself down next to Hotch with his legs stretched out, their shoulders touching.

He waited a few moments then gently pressed the glass against Hotch's arm.

"Drink." he said.

It was a few beats more before Hotch blindly reached for the glass and took a few sips of water before opening his bloodshot eyes and setting the glass on the floor between them.

They sat in silence for a little while longer, then…

"How could I have done those...what kind of monster am I?" Hotch's eyes were drowning in pain, fear and disappointment as he turned to Rossi.

That one photo...

Hotch shuddered.

With shovel in hand, standing over the half buried victim in the ground. He had been smiling when Ezral had without him knowing taken the picture.

He had been smiling!

Hotch groaned and leaning over lifted the lid of the toilet and retched once more. Rossi grimaced watching his friend's body painfully clench as only bile once again emerged.

When he was done Hotch shut the lid collapsing back against the tub where Rossi adjusted the washcloth and handed him the glass of water from the floor.

He waited for Hotch to get his bearings.

"Aaron? Look at me."

Hotch was nodding to himself, his eyes faraway. "I'm a danger to those around me." he whispered. "Maybe it's better Jack is scared of me. Maybe I..."

"Stop it!" Rossi demanded turning his body so he faced Hotch. "You don't know what you're saying! You think it's good that Jack, the son you care about more than anything else in this whole world is scared of you?!"

Hotch with wide pained eyes looked at Rossi. "Dave, he's safer away from me. Jessica will take care of him."

"Jessica, who still has trouble standing up straight and needs to walk with a cane on occasion?"

At that moment, Rossi didn't think Hotch could look any paler. "I...I'm sorry, Aaron, I shouldn't...I didn't mean...She doesn't blame you for any of it. She wants to see you, to see how you're feeling." He didn't like the sudden blankness of Hotch's expression, the feeling of seeing his friend disappearing in front of him.

"She has Jack seeing a therapist. She's told him how much you love and miss him."

Hotch's eyes slipped away from his.

"Aaron?"

Rossi nudged him. "Aaron..."

When Hotch didn't respond, the older man sighed returning to his seat next to his friend, his hand gripping the silent man's arm, trying to ground him, trying to keep him from floating away into the nightmare in his mind.

"You're not a monster, Hotch." Rossi whispered. "You're my friend. Don't let the real monster win. Ezral's dead, you can't die with him...

...I won't let you."

-TBC-