ZA: This is, by far, the funniest chapter of Stephan.
Crispy: So far, anyway.
ZA: I almost feel sorry for Voldiekins.
Crispy: But Severus gets a chance to be cool.
ZA: Like James Bond cool, or what's that zombie show you keep watching?
Crispy: "The Walking Dead" – Yeah! He's like Darryl!
ZA: He waits until the danger has passed before breaking down. Anyway, I don't own Harry Potter.
Stephan: I call shotgun!
Voldemort bestowed an approving gaze upon his potions master as he accepted the requested potions. "Ah, Severus. It was so good of you to stop by."
"Oh! And were you informed that the next get together is at Luci's house?" asked Stephan with his usual exuberance. "Do you have a ride?"
"I thought I would -" Severus began, but was interrupted.
"You can carpool with us! It will be fun! I think my Voldie would get lonely in the back seat."
Voldemort rolled his eyes and said, "I could use more stimulating conversation. Otherwise, he'll just play that recording of children singing nursery rhymes. He does that when things get too quiet."
"Of course, my lord. I am at your service," Severus agreed.
The three men headed to the carriage house where Stephan proudly displayed his new acquisition. Voldemort's head involuntarily tilted back away from the vehicle. "Stephan, what is that?'
"It's a minivan! Every good parent drives one. They're quite safe."
Voldemort sneered at the bulky, celestial blue box on wheels. "Very well. I will deign to use it if nothing else is available."
"All right, Voldiekins! Let me just strap you into your carseat!" Stephan slid open the side door to reveal a large, pink, legless chair attached to the middle of the back seat.
"Surely he's not serious," muttered Severus as he took in both carseat and dark lord.
Voldemort actually seemed to be blushing from embarrassment. Severus knew better than to notice. Stephan definitely did not notice.
"Just hop in, sweetie, and I'll do up the buckles."
Voldemort closed his eyes for a moment and chanted under his breath, "He's very rich, he's very rich, he's very rich…" Then he climbed into the seat. It was uncomfortably small. Stephan frowned.
"Oh that won't do at all, but it was the largest one they had." He quickly waved his wand and enlarged the seat. "Much better!"
Voldemort submitted to the buckling in portion of the evening with a warning glance at Severus not to say a word. Severus sat beside him and buckled his own seat belt in solidarity. Stephan hopped into the driver's seat and shut the door. Suddenly, the atmosphere changed.
"Mwahahahahahahahahahaah!" came a blood-chilling laugh from the usually cheery aristocrat. "Hold on tight, kids. We're in for a bumpy ride!" he said in a low, creepy voice. Then he turned the key in the ignition, and the nightmare began.
Severus had never witnessed anything like it. It seemed as though Stephan had suddenly become drunk with the power of his 248 horse power V6 engine. The man drove like a…well, a madman. Their speed matched the Knight Bus, and Stephan's driving style was shockingly aggressive. He yelled obscenities at other drivers, almost hit a nun leading a group of orphans across the street, and took out more than a few traffic signs. After what seemed like hours, he brought the death trap to a screeching halt, leaving a trail of burnt rubber along Lucius' driveway. Severus didn't even know you could leave tire tracks on gravel.
As the dust settled, Stephan popped out and resumed his usual cheery manner as he helped Voldemort out of his seat. Severus was tempted to drop to the ground and kiss the earth in celebration of his continued existence and new appreciation for solid ground, but he retained his dignity. Voldemort had no such reservations. The dark lord nearly wept with relief as he planted no less than five smackers on the gravel drive. "I'm alive! I'm alive!"
The three of them approached the front door, two of them staggering along behind the oblivious first.
"And that concludes today's meeting."
"Very good, my lord," drawled Lucius. "Now, if we are excused, I have some errands I must attend to."
"Do you need a ride?" Stephan asked.
Severus exchanged a look with Voldemort and said, "That's a splendid idea. Ride with us, Lucius. You may have the honor of sitting next to our master. I call shotgun."
Just twenty minutes later, Lucius and Voldemort were clutching each other for dear life as sirens blared in the distance. Severus glanced at the side mirror. "I do believe we have company, Stephan."
"There's a shotgun in the glove compartment. They'll never take us alive! Hahahahaha! Ahahahahahaha!"
Knowing better than to argue with a madman, Severus opened the glove compartment (obviously enlarged by magical means) and pulled out a Boss & Co. double barreled shotgun, fully loaded. A box of extra ammo fell to the floor. Severus hoped he wouldn't be needing it.
Deciding that the best vantage point would be through the moon roof, Severus cast a stabilizing charm on himself and unbuckled his seat belt. Then he carefully climbed onto his seat and worked his upper body through the small opening. He paused a moment, taking in the situation before aiming at the front police car's left tire.
BLAM! The tire exploded, and the front car veered off into a ditch. Stephan cackled, "I see you've found the armor piercing bullets! Your aim is a bit low, though."
Severus did his best to ignore him and took aim at the second car. BLAM! Whoops! He'd hit the grill. Luckily, the lake the car drove into was shallow. Suddenly the van swerved. Severus looked down to see Stephan fiddling with the radio dial.
"What are you doing? Keep your eyes on the road!" Severus shouted.
"I'm checking to see if we've made the news yet," Stephan replied. Sure enough, the radio announcer's voice came through loud and clear:
"Local police are currently in pursuit of a light blue minivan speeding down the motorway towards Little Hangleton. Eyewitness descriptions of the van include details such as a dented front fender and a 'Baby on Board' sign in the rear window. Let's hope there are no children involved in this dangerous high speed chase."
Then Severus heard the approaching beat of helicopters. He was going to have to think fast to get them out of this one.
"Lucius! Use your wand to impede the muggle law enforcement," he ordered.
Lucius looked more than a little reluctant to surrender his death grip on his fellow passenger. "But Severus…the Statute of Secrecy!"
"Are you a Death Eater or not?" Severus roared. "Be discreet and fell some trees onto the road, or something. I must focus on the aerial attackers."
"Hahahahahahaha! I've never faced helicopters before! A new record!"
Voldemort decided he'd had enough. "Are you insane? Just pull over and obliviate everyone!"
"Leave this to Daddy, Voldiekins. Daddy knows what he's doing."
The van swerved again as Stephan reached for the glove compartment. "Luci," he said, handing a Browning 9mm to the terrified blonde, "This is Susan. She'll be gentle with you as long as you are gentle with her. Now roll down the window and kill some muggles!"
Luckily, Lucius was a terrible shot. The special incendiary bullets were still doing a number on the surrounding greenery. "Oh dear. I do believe I've started a forest fire."
"Never mind that," admonished Severus. "Just tell Stephan to steady the vehicle. We've got aurors coming on broomstick at 8 o'clock!"
Stephan looked momentarily bewildered, "But Sevvy, it's just half past seven."
"Just drive, you fool! Get us the devil out of here!"
"Aurors?" Stephan cried, resuming his menacing voice of doom. "I've got a special treat for them." The van swerved again as Stephan reached into the glove compartment once more and retrieved a hand grenade. To Severus' horror, he pulled the pin and lobbed it carelessly towards the moon roof. It bounced off the edge and landed in Voldemort's lap.
"Noooooooo!" shouted the dark lord. Lucius grabbed it and lobbed it out the side and into the lake where it exploded, sending fish flying into the aurors' path. It bought them just enough time to round a corner and lose themselves behind the muggle repelling charms placed around Voldemort's hideout. By the time the aurors had recovered from the fishy assault, the minivan was long gone.
Kingsley heaved a sigh as he sunk into the nearest armchair. "We got reports of a magically enhanced automobile that was attracting the attention of the muggle police," he told Molly. Luckily, no muggles were harmed, but there was a lot of damage. The troublemakers gave us the slip, and we spent a good two hours obliviating various witnesses.
"Oh, you poor dear! You must be exhausted. I'll get you a nice cup of tea."
"Where is everyone, by the way?" Kingsley asked.
"Oh, they're down in the basement filming the next public service announcement. Albus thought Sirius needed to look a bit more pathetic."
Suddenly, the front door burst open, startling Mrs. Black's portrait into another tirade. The noise brought the Order's film crew running up from the basement.
"What in Merlin's name is going on?" Sirius bellowed as he endeavored to silence the portrait. "Shut up, you old hag!"
Severus surveyed his old school enemy from his slumped position against the entryway wall. "If I were not so shaken at this moment, I would be handing you a very witty insult. Do you enjoy that contraption so much that you've taken to wearing it even in human form?"
"What?" asked Sirius, confused.
"Ahem," Remus coughed as he pointed to the surgical collar still fastened around his friend's neck. Sirius blushed and ripped off the offensive accessory.
"Severus!" Molly cried. "You look positively ill. What on earth happened to you?"
Rather than answering her, Severus turned to the headmaster of Hogwarts and said, "Albus, I demand a raise."
ZA: We would love fan art for this chapter.