"I'm a Chiquita banana and I've come to say:
Bananas have to ripen in a special way.
When they're flecked with brown, and have a golden hue,
Bananas taste the best and are the best for you!
You can put them in a salad! You can put them in a pie! (ay ay ay!)
Any way you want to eat 'em,
You just can't beat 'em!
But banana likes the climate of the tropical equator,
So never put banana in the refrigerator!" Mama pirate sang as descripted to her beloved Baby Pirate.
"YYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRR!" Baby pirate yelled. "I'll never be eating them bananas!"
"Aye! You must!" Mama pirate cried. "You'll be scurvy like yer ole papa!"
"I be not caring about being scurvy, and I'll be never eatin yer bananas!" Baby pirate yelled stubbornly.
"Yes ye will!" Mama pirate yelled.
"NEVERRRRRR!" Baby pirate screamed.
"Fronz Benjamin James, you do NOT talk to me like that!" Mama pirate yelled.
"Me name be No-beard, and ye better be accepting it!" Baby pirate said. "Now if ye'll be excusin' me, I'll be gettin' back into me real vessel!"
• • • • • • •
Anna was in a random dungeon. She was trying desperately to think of a way to get out. Next to her, there was an apple, and across from her, sat a dude in a bulldozer.
"I am desperate! I need to get out of here!" Anna thought. "He just might be able to help me; or it's worth a shot to ask him anyways."
"Excuse me?" Anna said innocently, approaching him timidly, "Do you suppose you could help me out of here?"
The guy in the bulldozer grunted and threw a map at her. Anna examined it and stuffed it into her pocket. It was a map of some strange country.
"I've got to get out of here!" She thought. Then she spied the guards. They looked bored and they were arguing about something.
"I know!" Anna thought. I'll pretend to be their friend so that when they trust me too much, I'll get out of here!"
"Hello guards!" Anna said nervously. "Do you like… um… Candy bars?"
One of the guards raised an eyebrow at her.
"Yeah… why?" He asked.
"Because I have one!" Anna said with fake enthusiasm as she pulled a melted candy bar out of her pocket.
The guards gasped and began jumping up and down with stars in their eyes. Mumbling a bunch of stuff in high voices like: "Candybarsomygoshicantbelievshegotacandybarirealywantitbecauseilovecandybars!"
"You two can have it." Anna said slyly. She gave it to them and they wolfed it down together.
One guard wiped his mouth.
"You realize that's not gonna get you out of here." He said.
"I know." Anna said sweetly. "I just wanted to ask if you could let me go to that area with the window."
"Ooooof course, you little candy man!" The other guy said. He unlocked the cell door, and Anna walked over to the small window.
"HELP!" Anna yelled, hoping that someone would hear her. "HELP HELP HELP I'M STUCK IN HERE! HELP MEEEEEEE!"
The guards quickly smothered her yelps and locked her into another cell.
"Darn!" Anna thought. "This stinks! I should've sweet talked a little longer!"
She sighed with despair and looked at her surroundings. Next to her was a bucket of water and a fat sweaty dude who was sleeping.
"Maybe he knows a way out of here." Anna thought.
She then woke him up nicely, and offered him some water.
"I can't drink THAT!" The fat guy said. "It will turn to lemonade anything that it touches!"
"How do you know that?" Anna asked.
"I am Chubbstah the purple, friend of Gandalf the Grey." He said. "I know a lot."
"Well, if you know a lot, maybe you could tell me a bit about this here map?" Anna said, pulling out the crumpled map.
"Ah yes!" Chubbstah said. "That is the legendary Mucho Map. It will turn into anything that you want it to turn in to."
"Perfect!" Anna said. "I took an origami class a while ago, and the only thing that I remember how to make is a jackhammer."
"But you must use wisely the legendary-"
Anna had already folded a jackhammer. She drilled through the wall, and helped Chubbstah through the hole with the thought that if she earned his trust, he would use his magic to help her in other situations.
They were sneaking around outside of the prison, looking for a way to get through the fence, when they were cornered by a four man chain gang.
"Ok you two!" One said. "Have we got a deal for you: You let us come with you, and we'll cover your escape, and meet in the forest after that."
"BUT!" Another guy cut in, "If you don't let us come, we'll sound the alarms and tell the guards that you're escaping!"
Anna sighed.
"Mr. Chubbstah?" She said. "Will you please make these baddies disappear?"
"You got it, kid!" Cubbstah said enthusiastically. He pulled out his wand and zapped the two guys.
"Woah. That's so cool that you can do that! You should do that to the guards and the walls!" Anna said excitedly.
Chubbstah rolled his eyes and stepped out of the shadows zapping things with his wand like a mad man.
Soon enough, the walls and the guards were history and had been blasted off to somewhere over the rainbow.
"Wow!" Anna said. "Thank you so much for getting rid of them, Chubbstah!"
"Yes, yes, it is no problem." Chubbstah said hurriedly. "Now we must get away from here."
They entered the deep, dark forest. It was very deep and dark. They eventually came to a fork in the path that they were following. Each path had a nice little sign that titled the paths with A, B, and C.
Path A was very muddy, and the surroundings were dark and dead looking. It was bordered by huge, dead oak trees laden with Spanish moss. Path B was pitch dark. Anna hesitantly emerged it. She could barely see a big silhouette standing in the middle of it. She squinted. The thing standing there turned its head, revealing two red eyes. Anna jumped and retreated to the main trail. She looked down path C. The path itself was small coral pebbles and the vegetation was lush and flowery. A soft pink light came through the trees, reflecting off of the dew on the leaves, coloring and illuminating a thin mist.
"I think path C is our best bet." Anna said with a sheepish little laugh.
"I think Path B is a good choice." Chubbstah said.
"Too bad; we're going down path C." Anna said quickly, taking off down path C.
"Wait up!" Chubbstah said, waddling as fast as he could to keep up with Anna.
After awhile, they came to a clearing.
"We have ventured far from the prison." Chubbstah said. "Where shall we go from here?
Anna sighed. They indeed had gone far. She thought about the last time she'd left her home. She only wanted to have some fun in story land, but things got messed up and she ended up in jail. Now she was on the run with a wizard and had no way home. This was not her idea of "fun". Anna had sought to meet real story characters, not some fat, and old, knock off wizard.
"I should like to go home." Anna thought. "But there is no way out of here, so I suppose I must have fun while I'm here." Just then, she spied a treasure chest.
Anna hurried over and tried to open it.
The chest was padlocked.
"Chubbstah! My pal!" Anna called. "Would you be so kind as to open this chest with your magic?"
"I suppose." Chubbstah said, trotting over. With a wave of his wand, the chest opened. A clown stepped out.
The clown wore classic clown makeup, classic clown shoes, a classic clown outfit, and had classic clown hair. But he had a red lightsaber.
Anna hated clowns. Without thinking, she lurched forward and bit the clown on the arm. He yelped, dropped the lightsaber, and began to cry all his makeup off.
"Stop it! Stop it!" Chubbstah said, grabbing Anna by the neck of her shirt, like a baby kitten.
"This fellow here is my brother, George." Chubbstah said. "George, this is my friend, Anna."
"Pleased to meet ya." George said bluntly in a high raspy voice.
Anna nodded. Chubbstah set her down.
The lightsaber just sat there, on the ground, practically screaming, "ANNA! PLEASE! Help me! I belong with you! We could be cutting stuff up right now!"
"George, I apologize for my conduct, and I hope you will forgive me." Anna said, hanging her head. "In the meantime, to express my sincerity, I will GRAB YOUR LIGHTSABER AND RUN LIKE THE WIND!" Anna darted at the lightsaber, and ran as fast as she could down the path.
After sprinting for a while, Anna realized that the path had grown dark, and the trees were scraggly, and all their leaves were dead looking, but somehow hung on to the trees. The air was no longer clear and fresh, but smelled rather musty and the birds had stopped singing.
Anna heard a whisper come from somewhere off the trail. She looked around, but nobody was anywhere close to her. Murmurs of voices started, and seemed to come from above. A twig cracked. Anna jumped almost three feet. Quiet bursts of laughter broke out all around her. The trees shook, leaves hissing, and wood rattling.
Suddenly, a huge branch randomly snapped off of a tree. As it hit the ground, it barely grazed Anna's nose. She stood there wide eyed, staring at the mass of wood that just about killed her. Smaller branches began to rain down all around Anna, but still none hitting her. Anna covered her head and closed her eyes, hoping; praying that she would not be smooshed.
Presently, the branches stopped falling.
Anna looked up hesitantly, then down at her feet. She was surrounded by almost a foot of dry, dead sticks.
Anna began slowly making her way over the mountain of sticks, getting tons of bark in her shoes.
Suddenly, the branches began to writhe and wiggle like snakes. They slithered towards her and wrapped around her ankles. Vines came down and tied poor Anna up and carried her up into the biggest tree.
Anna noticed that the farther she ascended, the louder the quiet voices became, and by the time she reached the top branches, she could hear actual words in a strange language.
"Welcome, you cute little jedi-halfling!" A voice boomed. "We are talking trees. I figured that I should mention that, as our race is does not dwell in your homeland."
Anna was speechless.
"We think that it will be good to sacrifice you to our great god of terror; SawofChain. He requested that we offer a halfling and bring him a lightsaber."
"I'm not a halfling!" Anna yelled defensively. "And how do you know that I have a lightsaber?"
"We can smell what your belongings." A she-tree answered. "Like the Legendary Mucho Map."
"Please don't hurt me…" Anna said.
"TOOOOOOO BAAAAAAD!" The dude tree yelled.
"I've got to find a way out of this!" Anna thought. "Perhaps if I make enough racket someone will hear me and come save me from this mess."
"HEEEEELP! HEEEEELP! SOMEBODY! PLEEEEEEAAASSSSEEE!" Anna yelled.
"Oh dear!" A she-tree said. "This breaks my heart to see a child cry like this."
"I agree!" Another said.
"I can't take this anymore!" Another she-tree chimed in.
"We must help her!"
So the trees released their death grip of vines, and held Anna like a tiny child, feeding her a bottle of straight maple syrup.
Anna was comfortable with this, but she knew that she had to get down, for her mother would not be pleased with her drinking that much maple syrup in a day, and she feared that the trees might turn on her at any second and kill her on the spot.
So Anna stood up, brushed herself off, and tombe, pas de bouree, glissade, soude chate-ted off of the tree limb. (Essentially did a bunch of little ballet steps, then leaped)
The trees loved ballet, and they applauded her, making all their leaves fall off.
Anna luckily landed in the pile of all the leaves and then headed off on her merry way…
Only to come across a life size gingerbread house.
"Oh my! This is like something out of a dream!" Anna thought to herself. "What a lovely spot! My mother won't be pleased with my snooping, but I should like to find out who lives here."
So Anna headed to the house, obviously not thinking about the story of Hansel and Gretel.
She knocked on the door.
A scuttling noise came from inside, but there was no answer to the door.
Anna knocked again.
The only response was heavy footsteps.
She peered into a window by the door. Everything inside was dark. She strained her eyes even harder, but still could see nothing.
Suddenly, a green fist with black nails punched through the window, shattering it all over Anna.
She jumped back and ran away as fast as she could, shivering with fear.
She ran so far and fast that she almost fell in to a small pond that was bright blue in color.
Anna stepped back, and smiled slowly.
"Water!" She said aloud with small laugh. "Yes! Oh, lovely water!"
She jumped into the pond and began drinking the water and splashing all around.
Just then, she saw two short little people coming in the distance.
Anna quickly hid in some bushes.
They were dwarves.
One stooped down to take a drink from the pond.
The other slapped him
"What the hi ho was that for?!" The one who was trying to drink said.
"This is an enchanted pond!" The other dwarf exclaimed. "The water will rot what it touches!"
"Hi ho, oh no! Thanks for saving my skin buddy!"
"You bet! Now it's off to work we go."1
Anna sat in the bush, aghast.
"I can't believe that this is happening!" She thought "How will I ever get out of this?! I am sure to rot! Oh, woe is me! I shall become a zombie and become all ugly! My hopes and dreams of becoming a model are trashed! …If only the wizard was still here… I am sure that he could fix this: But alas! I was so brash toward his brother!'
'I suppose that this is the end of me, and I will begin to decompose at any second. I wish that I could go home to say my goodbyes, and… Oh dear, I forgot to feed Beth the goldfish this morning! Now I will never be able to apologize for my cruelty! …Well, I must enjoy my last hours while I still can, and get out of this bush." Anna stepped out of the bush. Everything was quiet. She sat down at the edge of the pond and put her feet in. Suddenly, a loud whoosh shattered the silence.
Anna looked up to see a witch on a broom flying overhead: A green witch, flying towards her.
"Hello, my pretty!" The witch said. "I see that you've gone for a swim in this here enchanted lake?" Her voice was high and raspy, and she talked like she had no teeth.
"Indeed." Anna said solemnly.
"And I infer that you know its effects on a person?"
"Yes ma'am." Anna said looking at the ground.
"Well child, I am your kind of witch!2 I live in a gingerbread house that isn't very far from here, and I have a potion that will fix you right up!"
"Oh rats… THAT gingerbread house?" Anna thought. "I hope there is another one around here that is not as scary."
"Come along, my pretty!" The witch said. "You know where to find me!" With that, she zipped away on her broom, leaving a handful of hair pins2 behind.
"But I don't know where to find you!" Anna mumbled. She looked down at the trail of hair pins that the witch had left behind.
"I suppose that I can follow this trail and SOMEHOW figure out where she flew off to." Anna thought, starting slowly down the trail.
When she finally reached the house, Anna found the witch standing on the front porch.
"There you are, my pretty!" The witch said cordially. "Come in! Come in! Don't lick the walls!"
Anna hesitantly stepped inside. Everything was dark.
The witch slammed the door behind her and bolted it. She began to laugh maniacally.
"I've got you now! I'm gonna eat you!" She cackled.
Suddenly, there was a purple flash of light.
"I am Chubbstah the Purple, friend of Gandalf the Grey!" A voice (guess who's) announced.
"Thank goodness!" Anna thought. She noticed that her eyes were getting used to the dark. She spied a bucket of water sitting on a table.
"This must be a melt-able witch!" Anna thought, running to the water.
The witch let out a loud scream3and began beating Chubbstah with her broom mercilessly.
Anna lugged the bucket of water towards the witch, but on her way, she tripped and spilled the water all over herself and the witch.
Chubbstah looked angry.
The witch wailed as she melted into gallons of pink lemonade, which flooded the house and melted it.
"Why have you done this?" Chubbstah asked angrily. "That which was in the bucket was a special serum to help people who are poisoned by magical lakes that rot them."
Anna laughed and took a sip of lemonade.
She then explained all that had happened.
While Anna had been explaining things, wolf sized ants were drawn to the sugary mess. They ate all the gumdrops and all of the roof. They looked like they were still a bit hungry for, perhaps… meat?
"Please go away ants! I was supposed to eat this house!" Anna yelled.
The ants ignored her and tried swimming in the lemonade.
All of the sudden, Anna felt an urge to yell some ridiculous words.
"I mustn't!" She thought. "I will sound crazy!" But something inside of her made the phrase come to the tip of her tongue. She swallowed the words, but they rushed back up through her windpipe and came out of her mouth in a cough that sounded unusually like a yell.
"FEEL MY FULL WRATH AND TERROR!" She yelled. (Coughed) Anna covered her mouth.
"As embarrassing as this is, I am curious to see what happens." She thought.
"Come on, halfling!" Chubbstah yelled, dog paddling to the door, but seeming indifferent to the yell.
When they got outside, they saw something falling from the sky: Something big. (Like maybe from a "galaxy far, far away", and perhaps as big as a "small moon"? …Does anyone see where I'm going with this?)
The Death Star crushed the house and the ants. Then a bunch of other Star Wars stuff started falling from the sky.
"Wow!" Anna said with stars in her eyes. "I can't believe I'm seeing this! … They even brought space chickens!"
Out of the corner of her alien filled eyes, she spied Chubbstah, surrounded by aliens, holding himself and shivering.
"What's the matter with him?" Anna thought. "How can he NOT be amazed at this marvelous party?"
"I know! I'll have Darth Vader teach him the ways of the force!"
So Anna went to find Darth Vader.
"Excuse me, Mr. Vader?" Anna said meekly. "I'd like to report that a Lord of the Rings person or a Harry Potter person is here. I think you need to teach him the ways of the dark side."
Darth Vader laughed. And laughed. And laughed. And laughed. And laughed. And laughed. And laughed. And laughed. Anna never had any idea that Darth Vader was a laugher.
Then he shook his head and cleared his throat.
"There is no way that I would ever face someone from another story!" He exclaimed. "In fact I- I should destroy you for mentioning that in my presence! I hate Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter!"
"How. Dare. You." Anna growled. "Allow me to show you what Lord of the Rings is made of! …Oh Chubbstah!"
Chubbstah came hesitantly.
"Do you think you could summon Gandalf?" Anna asked.
"Let's not…" Darth Vader cut in nervously.
"Well," Chubbstah said. "If you really want to, you have to yell 'Rroret dna htarw lluf ym leef."
"Okie dokie." Anna said in her usual innocent way.
"Um, No-kie dokie?" Darth Vader said timidly.
"You stay outta this!" Anna barked at him. With that she said the mystic spell.
Anna looked around expectantly.
Darth Vader covered his head.
Chubbstah stared at the sky hopefully.
Suddenly, a huge snake fell from the sky. Then there was a bunch of broom sticks. Then there was a skinny Santa Claus with moon shaped spectacles and a long, thin, white beard.4 Then there was a guy with no nose and a white face and his name was (you guessed it) Yankee doodle. (Just kidding, Voldemort). Then the whole Hogwarts castle fell in the woods nearby and everyone came running out.
"Didn't someone say that this was supposed to be Middle Earth?" Anna said, irritated.
"I um, I think I forgot the spell." Chubbstah said nervously.
Anna sighed and looked at all the freaks.
Draco Malfoy was yelling at everybody, Harry Potter was talking to Dumbledore about serious protagonist stuff. Hagrid was laughing as he watched some big creature slurp down a Hogwarts student, but in the back of all these there was someone watching Anna… Watching her nose… Voldemort… He seemed to want that nose. Anna waved to him timidly. She was getting impatient. She had no time to worry about keeping her nose; she'd wanted to meet some orcs, and was not particularly happy at the moment.
Meanwhile, the death eaters confronted Darth Vader.
"Top of the morning to you, mate." A death eater said to him cordially.
"Don't come any closer!" Darth Vader shouted, taking out his lightsaber.
"Dude, we're all baddies here;" Another guy said, "We can all unwind with each other and talk about how we're gonna terrorize our dimensions."
"Yeah man: take your guard down." Another death eater chimed in.
"Oh, um, sorry about that." Darth Vader said sheepishly. "You know how stressful it can get being a baddie and all… listen fellas, I must, er, get a move on, I just remembered I have to go and um… kill some stuff! Later bros!" With that, Darth Vader and all the other Star Wars people hopped into their space ships and took off to a galaxy far, far away.
"Argh! Now Star Wars left!" Anna said angrily. "I honest and for truly don't care at all for Harry Potter! In fact, I can't stand it! Please bring Lord of the Rings!"
Chubbstah paced around.
"I don't know the spell! I can't believe I forgot it!"
Just then, Hermione came to him with a spell book, whispering something in his ear.
Chubbstah laughed.
"Of course!" He said happily. "I should've known THAT spell! There's even a song about it!"
"Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo
Put 'em together and what have you got
bippity-boppity-boo!"
"Ok, ok, ok," Anna said. "Can you just summon Lord of the Rings?"
"Indeed!" Chubbstah said. "BIPPITY BOPPPITY BOO!"
All of the sudden, Harry Potter world evaporated.
Middle Earth fell from the sky.
Gandalf and Chubbstah were delighted to see each other again. The elves were brushing their lovely hair. Frodo was nowhere in sight, but he was obviously running around wearing the Ring. The orcs were being destructive, ugly, and naughty as usual.
"Perfect! They're finally here!" Anna thought. "Now I've gotta get that Ring!"
Unfortunately Galadriel was standing next to her.
"Woe to you, baddie!" She announced. "You will never get the Ring because we are all leaving! …Chop chop everyone! We have a bad apple here!"
Frodo appeared in front of Anna as a ringwraith and stuck his tongue out. All the orcs started throwing random stuff at poor Anna as everyone gradually left.
"Why did you have to be so greedy?" Chubbstah said. "I was having a good time!"
"I'm sorry." Anna said. "I should've enjoyed it while they were here."
"You should be sorry! Gandalf and I are best buds, but we never get to see each other to talk about wizard stuff… And Aragorn! Why he and I are just like brothers! I didn't even get to see him! And don't forget my old mate Cleborn…"
Anna tuned him out. She gazed sleepily down the path leading to the evil lake. Just before she completely spaced out, she made out three figures standing on the bank of the lake… holding fishing poles.
She suddenly had an urge to go see what their business was there, and started down the path as if in a trance.
Suddenly she stopped herself.
"Anna! What are you doing? You know good and well that your mother would not approve of your snooping! …Snap out of it!"
But she continued down the path, her feet controlled by an unseen force.
When Anna was about ten feet from the evil lake, she made out the identities of the three people. They were leftovers from the chaos that had fallen from the sky. They were Luke Skywalker, Boromir, and Fred Weasley. They seemed to be having a good time, fishing and talking quietly amongst themselves.
"Well look who missed their rides!" Anna thought.
••• To be continued…•••
1 Heh heh heh… These are Snow White dwarves, not LOTR dwarves. 2 Do you find anything with this witch familiar? She is the cousin of Marie Laveau (from the song), the Wicked Witch of the West (from the Wizard of Oz), and Witch Hazel (from Looney Tunes).
2Cousin of Marie Laveau, the Wicked Witch of the West, and Wich Hazel… THAT'S what kind of witch she is!
3 "An' she go 'GREEEEEEEEEEE'…/Another man done gone."… just kidding, that's not in the story, but I really like that song and I thought it would be cool to write it in.
4 Sorry about this poor description: I don't care much for the Harry Potter series and I forget how Rowling described Dumbledore all the time, so I tried my best to do it, and I didn't bother to look at the books.