Bioware Owns All.

Chapter 12

He Said

I watched her get off the elevator, making sure I couldn't follow her, her blue eyes swimming with unshed tears she wouldn't acknowledge. I scrubbed my face in frustration and hit the button for the deck with my quarters on it. I needed to be alone for a moment or the next crewman I came across would probably end up in a Warp field. Only Shepard could make me lose control this badly, this quickly. I could still smell her on me. I needed a cold shower. A very cold shower. Two cold showers, if I could get them.

Fortunately, I got to my quarters without anyone stopping me. First I needed to stop reliving the last few moments in the comm. room. The feel of her lithe body pressed against me, her long legs wrapped around me, her lips pressed against mine, her fingers dancing across the bare skin of my back. I groaned and headed for my shower.

Standing under the icy water, I thought about what she said. Was it true? Was I ignoring the proof of her death? I know I didn't believe it. But was it because I didn't want to, or because I couldn't face that she had in fact been taken from me in the most permanent way? And it was only because of who she was that she was brought back. And brought back by terrorists to do the one thing the Alliance and the Council were helpless to do. Did I actually owe Cerberus something for bringing her back? Which would I rather believe, anyway? That she had died and was brought back and blackmailed into helping the colonists because Cerberus was the only one doing anything? Or that she'd decided to leave me to mourn her for two years after faking her own death? The Avery Shepard I knew, or thought I knew, wouldn't have done the second. So why was I having so much trouble believing the first?

Or the third, even worse, and more likely, situation: that Cerberus duped her into believing she had died and manufactured her resurrection as a lie, even to her.

I was going to have to talk to Doctor Chakwas. And try to believe anything that came out of Miranda Lawson's or Jacob Taylor's mouth. How was I going to talk to them without going through their CO? But, I had other things I needed to do before navigating the mine-field that was mine and Shepard's relationship. I wondered what the hell Liara had had to do with this whole situation. Guess I would find out on Illium.

I didn't have to wait until Illium to talk to at least one of her crewmembers. The next day's shift began and I ran into Jacob Taylor, one of Shepard's command team while we were both getting breakfast. Even if I wasn't friendly with him, it was a relief to have another biotic around with his tray heaped in food. I was, again, the only biotic in my crew; I was just their commanding officer this time.

The vanguard nodded as he sat down across from me in the mess. Without preamble, he said, "Look, Shepard said you were having trouble with her Cerberus associations."

Buttering a muffin, I frowned, "That's putting it mildly. Was she really dead, or did you people play her?" I took a bite.

Jacob swallowed the pancakes in his mouth, "Look, all I can tell you is," he set his fork down on his plate and folded his hands. His brown eyes looking at me steadily over our large breakfasts, "she was brought on board the Lazarus station as nothing more than meat and tubes. She was barely recognizable as human, much less a deceased one."

The muffin turned to ashes in my mouth and I sat down the uneaten half. "What happened to her?"

Jacob took another bite of pancakes, looking at me steadily as he chewed. I got the impression he wanted his next statement to make as much of an impact on me as it could. "Look, I was there on Horizon," he told me, setting his fork down again, "I saw what you did to her." He glanced away, then back again and leaned forward, "So, believe me when I tell you that I hope what I'm about to tell you hurts like hell.

"She suffocated. The seals were shattered around her breathers. She died gasping for air and then, her body hit atmo in nothing but her Onyx armor. That stuff's tough, but it ain't that tough." He stopped talking and leaned back in his seat. I think he was gauging my reaction. I realized I'd stopped breathing and the blood drained from my face as if in sympathy of what Shepard had gone through. "Uh-huhn, I figured that would hit you hard." He leaned forward again. "So you really do care about her."

I cleared my throat. "That's none of your business, Mister Taylor."

"Now, you see, that's where you're wrong, Commander." He took another bite of his pancakes, glaring at me. When he finished chewing, he said, "Anything that affects Shepard is our business."

I raised my eyebrows and swallowed my mouthful, "Our?"

Taylor took the last bite of his stack of pancakes and after chewing, he said, "Her command team, me, Miranda and Garrus."

I nearly choked on my orange juice, "Vakarian?" I knew she'd been treating him like an XO, but it never occurred to me that she relied on the turian and the two ex-Cerberus operatives to be squad leaders. I knew Tali was with her, why not the quarian?

Before I could ask, Taylor got up with his empty tray and left me to finish the rest of my meal alone with my thoughts. So, he, at least, believed she'd really died. And if his description was correct, she hadn't died well. I closed my eyes in sympathy to the agony the woman I loved must have gone through. God help me, I was beginning to believe.

Miranda Lawson arranged to bump into me at lunch. Was Shepard having her crew make sure my meals were filled with thoughts of her dying? But then, we were all biotics. Nothing much puts off our appetite and meals tended to be long simply because it took time to ingest as many calories as we needed. The cool brunette regarded me over her pile of grilled chicken and salad. I wondered at her low-calorie food choices until I saw the slab of cheese cake. I resigned myself to another unpleasant conversation over my blandly synthesized lunch, "What can I do for you, Ms. Lawson?"

Her unemotional Australian accented voice told me, "Jacob Taylor mentioned you were having trouble believing Shepard died?"

I swallowed the bite of chicken, "He did, did he?"

She paused with the fork with a small bit of chicken and salad speared on it halfway to her mouth, "Yes, he did. She was, you know." She said, taking her bite and chewing. When she finished, she said, "Dead. Completely. There was barely a body left."

"How did Cerberus get its hands on her then?"

Miranda's blue eyes widened and she quickly swallowed her food, "If you don't know the answer to that, I can't tell you. There aren't many who know and Shepard wants to keep it that way."

"Why? Who's she protecting?" I demanded.

"You, I think," she said, swallowing the last of her salad.

"From what?"

"I don't know," Miranda said, starting on her cheesecake. "But I can tell you the reconstruction was extensive and thorough. The Illusive Man wanted her to be just as she was the day she died, as close as we could get her. We improved a few things, of course, her physical strength and endurance, her biotic implant, but she's the same person who went up to the bridge that day to pull Joker out of his seat."

"How do you know?"

She pressed her fork down on some crumbs, she was nearly done with her dessert. I have no idea how that woman ate that fast without being sloppy. "Because I oversaw the entire process from start to finish. Her skeleton alone was a bloody jigsaw puzzle!" Her outburst showed the first real emotion I'd managed to see from the calm Sentinel as she stormed off, throwing her empty plates into the refresher. Yet again another of Shepard's crew left me sitting in astonishment at the mess table.

Doctor Chakwas, at least, didn't ambush me at a meal. She waited until I went to the sickbay for the beginnings of the migraine I felt after my shift ended. She was apparently visiting my own ship's doctor, Nathaniel Anderson.

The minute I entered, Dr. Anderson excused himself and left me with the calculating expression on Dr. Chakwas' kind face. "Miranda and Jacob sent me to give you the last piece of the puzzle, Kaidan."

I rubbed my forehead. All the information I'd had dumped on me about Shepard had begun to take its toll. I'd held off the migraine by shear will power by staying busy, but I was due for a collapse soon if I didn't get meds. Chakwas handed me the small plastic cup with the two oddly shaped blue pills that would spell relief for the growing pain behind my eyes. I started to tilt my head back to take them until she put her hand on my arm. I looked down at her and her expression was one of compassion. "I'd wait to take that until you read this." She handed me a datapad. "It's as condensed as I could make it, it's merely a copy of a report I sent to Councilor Anderson."

I took the datapad and looked at her, "Did she send you three to me, today?"

The grey-haired doctor smiled, "Of course not, Kaidan. I sent Miranda and Jacob to you because I heard about Horizon. Garrus wanted to rip out a bulkhead for what you said to her. And I know that having her on this ship again is hard on both of you. I also know that it's tough to wrap your mind around that she really was dead."

"I'm beginning to believe it," I said, glancing at the datapad. I looked back at Chakwas, a lump in my throat. "She suffered, didn't she?"

"Anoxia is not a good way to die, Kaidan," was her kindly voiced response. "The report isn't gentle. I wanted it to be as graphic as possible for Councilor Anderson. Wait on taking your meds, you'll need them afterward."

I'm not sure how I made it back to my quarters; I know they were just across from the sickbay, so it wasn't a long walk. I was grateful for the permanently dim lighting when I got there. I still had the little cup of pills but I was fixated on the first picture of the report, ignoring the pounding in my head. Fluorescent white light outlined everything in stark relief, leaving nothing in shadow. The date stamp on the lower left hand side gave the time of the pic as roughly two and a half years ago. It was an above shot of Shepard laying on the sterile surface of a steel operating table, the N7 logo on her armor still visible, though that was the only identifiable part of her. Her helmet had gone missing and one arm was uncovered, the armor having fallen off somewhere. Correction: what was left of one arm. Her face…. I made it to my bathroom before my stomach emptied itself on my floor.